A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

A woman goes to the post office for stamps for Hanukkah cards.

She asks the cashier for stamps and the cashier replies, “What denomination?” The woman thinks for a moment and responds, “I’ll take six Orthodox, twelve Conservative, and thirty-two Reform, please.”

The U.S. postal services came out with a new Donald Trump stamp. Although they received many complaints that they were defective!

After polling the public on how the stamp is defective, they figured out nothing was wrong with the stamp at all!

The americans were just not spitting on the right side!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear?! They’re putting the Poo emoji on a stamp!

Finally! Shitpost!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the difference between a stamp and my balls ?

My balls don't need to be licked to be sticky

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

The US postal service releases a stamp of Donald Trump

After sometime, reports start to come in that the stamp was not sticking. Infuriated that his own stamps were not working, Trump conducted a $1,300,000 investigation to find out what happened. After eliminating all of the possibilities, they observe the post office to see if the fault was on the con...

Why was the physicist angry at the postage stamp?

Because no matter how hard he tried, it just wouldn't gluon.

A middle aged man and woman......

......meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.

On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."

The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times...

Why was the stamp on the envelope missing?

It up and left.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe received a package in the mail with a few stamps on the front. Always the notorious scrooge, Joe peeled off the already used stamps, and then proceeded to stick them onto his own letter.

Upon being handed the mail, the mailman knew exactly what Joe had done, and proceeded to punch him in the face until Joe was rendered unconscious. He was rushed to the ER and pronounced dead the next morning.

At his funeral, many tears were shed and eulogies given. As the ceremony was comi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde goes to the doctor and says "I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina"

The doctor takes a look and says "Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas"

Did you hear that joke about the letter that didn't have a stamp?

— Did you hear that joke about the letter that didn't have a stamp?
— No.
— Nevermind, you wouldn't get it.

What did the stamp say to the envelope?

Stick with me and we'll go places.

TIFU by sending my nudes to everyone in my address book

Cost me a fortune in stamps

How does a DNA molecule moisten a stamp?

Helix it!

I got some naked lady stamps and I’m confused...

I don’t know if I should lick the back of them or the front of them.

USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presen...

Rachel Dolezal, the white woman pretending to be black, is apparently jobless and living off food stamps

I guess she really was black.

What does the Queen of England call post stamps ?

Selfies.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the stamp say to the letter?

Lick my ass and I'll take you places you've never been before.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a penis with stamps on it?

Male.

Of course, if you have to sign for it, it's a package.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gods new reqirement to get into heaven.

God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?"
"Yes Sir" Peter replied.
With that God left and Peter called the...

Footballer Dwight Yorke just got denied entry to the US due to an Iranian stamp in his passport.

Makes a change at least, most of his troubles are from briefly entering Jordan.

I received some food stamps the other day

They tasted terrible.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

South American Stamps

So a lady goes to see her gyno because she's having a personal health issue. The doctor enters.
"Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's been two weeks, doc..I keep finding stamps up my vagina!"
"...stamps?.."
"Yeah! From Costa Rica! Sometimes even Ecuador! I've never even been outsi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Costa Rica stamps

A blond goes in to the gynecologist and says "I don't know how but I keep finding stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina, and I have never been there or no anyone who lives there" the doctor looks at one for a little bit and them come to the prognosis " Miss these aren't stamps from Costa Rica but they...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when you cover your penis in postage stamps?

Junk mail.

(Credit to one if my FB friends)

A prostitute got a tramp stamp

It said "tips appreciated"

During the rush of the holiday season, Sarah completely forgot to mail a Christmas card to her best friend.

She hurries into the post office with a card and asks the postal service worker for a first-class stamp.

​

“Do I have to put this stamp on myself?” she asks.

​

“No,” the postal employee replies. “You can put it right on the envelope.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman goes to her gynecologist.

“What seems to be the problem?” Asked the gyno.

“Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.”

The gynecologist has a look, chuckles and says,

“Those aren’t postage stamps my dear. They’re the stickers off the bananas.”

three men walk up to the gates of heaven,

the gatekeeper asks each man to describe how he died.

​

the first man walks up to the gate keeper and says:

'i was concerned my wife was cheeting on me so one day i said i was going to work, walked outside our appartment then walked back in saying i had forgotten somt...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

How to get new business

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and...

What do you call Roger Stone's newest tattoo?

A Trump stamp.

A man is contacted by a lawyer

"I'm sorry to contact you out of the blue" the lawyer says. "I have to say this is one of the strangest requests I've ever had from a client. You see, I'm representing your biological mother. When she gave you up for adoption 30 years ago, this was her condition.

"I'm adopted?" The man asks...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“You just awoke.” Grandpa asks, “Why so blue?”

I reply, "Well, looks like I drunk texted 3 of my exes last night before I slept.”

“I know how you feel.” He goes, “I did that too before I met your grandmother.”

“You texted?” I ask.

“No,” he says, “I’d drink whiskey all night and get pissed drunk.

Then wake up the next...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

The elephant and Paddy

Paddy takes his son to the zoo. When they get to the elephants the zoo keeper said, this elephant can tell how old you are with one look. Paddys son shouts, "how old am I"...? The elephant stamps his foot 6 times. Wow says paddy that's right my boy is 6... Paddy shouts to the elephant, "How old am I...

What haw two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese telephone.

(I'm Chinese and I give this joke the Chinese stamp of approval)

An metropolitan Police officer gets demoted to Traffic duty in the middle of nowhere...

He’s furious about it. He sits in his car at the side of the highway, mumbling to himself angrily about his demotion, until he finally snaps. He turns on his lights and pulls over the first car that passes him. Slamming his door behind him, he marches up to the car and pounds on the window.
...

What travels around the world but stays in a corner?

A stamp.

The pope goes to new york and gets picked up at the airport by a limo.

He looks at the car and says to the driver "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is a bit hesitant, but thinks "well I can't really say no to the pope"

So the pope takes the wheel and he starts speeding like a mad man! He stamps on the accelerator ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sent a message to my crush asking if I could send her my dick

She said no and now I have no idea what to do with all these stamps I just bought.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Accidents can happen. I once accidentally sent a dick pic to every person in my contact list.

The stamps costed me a fortune.

A poor man decides to write a letter to God, asking for some money...

In the letter, he writes that he works very hard but can never make enough. He pleads to God that even $100 would make him extremely happy.

The next day he goes to the post office, hands in his letter, and leaves with high hopes. The person sorting all the mail notices the envelope addressed...

Homework.

A girl is doing her homework and her little brother walks in. She asks him for help with a question and he refuses. Angrily she says "Just tell me what the division of two cells is and I won't hurt you". He still won't tell her so she stamps on his foot. "Tell me!" she yells "ouch! mitosis!."

Yo momma so stupid...

...she tried to buy Tide Pods with food stamps.

Why are so many Italian men named Tony?

When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital. He gets guided round most of the wards by a resident doctor, and things seem okay. They have just one more ward to go, when the doctor's pager goes off and he runs to take an emergency call, the inspector decides to proceed, and asks the...

An engineer dies and goes to hell

Lucifer : I don't get it, you weren't supposed to be here, maybe there's some mixup, hold on...."*calls God*"

God : Yo Lucy, wassup?

Lucifer : Was Mr. Rowan supposed to be here, I don't find him on the list.

God : Oh yeah, he was supposed to be here in heaven. Looks like Reaper ...

A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport

"Good morning, First time in Germany?"

"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"

"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you a...

Man, times sure are tough! I just saw a vampire at the blood bank..

He asked if they take food stamps.

How do you starve a Socialist?

You hide their food stamps under their work boots.



Edit; Thank you /u/DoctorBrohoof for my first gold!

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out burning fires.
Why do elephants have big feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

First and last original joke from 6 year old self

Help! A terrorist is drowning!

This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina, I noticed a man running down the dock toward me dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat be...

How do you kill a black widow?

You take away her food stamps.

What kind of tattoo does a Postal Service worker get?

A tramp stamp, and it says, "No postage necessary if nailed in the US."

My friend returned home all disappointed after his unsuccessful job interview.

I asked him, “You seem well qualified. Why didn’t you get the postman’s job?”


“I don’t know. I wonder if it has something to do with me writing ‘stamp collections’ as my hobby.”

We're so poor

We're so poor that the tooth fairy gave us food stamps

What is always in the corner, but travels around the world?

I heard this from a co-worker today... and well... it made me really think.

A stamp.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men sit around a table

They talk about their wives' affairs.

"My wife must have been fucking the plumber. I saw pipes and wrenches under the bed.", one says.

"My wife must have been fucking the mailman. I saw letters and stamps under the bed.", the other says.

"That's nothing. My wife must have been f...

"IRONY"...

"IRONY"...

This is short and to the point:
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered b...

You might be a redneck if......

You don't have enough cash for the hooker, but she takes Food Stamps

I received my tax return for 2016 back from the IRS

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 53...

Got a tattoo on the small of my back of 2 dogs sharing a plate of spaghetti.

It's a Lady and the Tramp stamp.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night with Paddy the Pilot and Seamus the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".

"You're not fookin kiddin Paddy", replied Seamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.

"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Brit working in New York meets a friend for lunch on his first day at work.

The friend produces a packet of cigarettes and promptly begins to light one up.
The Brit grabs the cigarette throws it to the floor and stamps it out. “Are you insane”, asked the Brit, “don’t you know how insane the health laws in this country are?”
“What do you mean?” asked his friend.
“We...