US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp...

But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ‟Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.”

‟What?” said the puzzled groom.

‟How can that be if you've been married ten times?”

‟Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

If it weren't for food stamps, I wouldn't have anything to eat.

But man do they taste awful!

Why did the motivational speaker have a shirt made of stamps?

Because he is an outgoing male.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his...

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A bride goes to her husband on their wedding night...

And says, “I need to tell you something before we go to bed. I’m a virgin.”

Her husband was shocked, he’s her fourth marriage! He says, “HOW is it that you’ve been married three times before but you’re still a virgin?”

The bride replies, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist, and ...

Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters...

so I bought 20 stamps...and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

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TIFU by sending a dick pic to everyone in my address book...

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

A shy lad was at a party and got talking to a pretty girl. After a while he builds up the courage to tells her that she is gorgeous and asks if she would like to go back to his place to look at his stamp collection...

... “Philately will get you nowhere!” the girl replies.

What did the letter say to the stamp?

Stick with me and we'll go places.

Not sure if this is a repost heard it from my son.

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

A friend got me a subscription to “Philatelic: the official source for stamp enthusiasts”

Which made me really angry because that was a habit I was trying to lick.

Why did the Polish guy throw away his food stamps?

They tasted terrible

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I wrote this joke about collectors. tell me what you think.

Q. What do you call someone who collects stamps?

A. A philatelist.

Q. What do you call someone who collects coins?

A. A numismatist.

Q. What do you call someone who collects both?

A. A fucking nerd.

The U.S. postal services came out with a new Donald Trump stamp. Although they received many complaints that they were defective!

After polling the public on how the stamp is defective, they figured out nothing was wrong with the stamp at all!

The americans were just not spitting on the right side!

Fun fact: members of the equine family can send messages to each other by stamping the ground in distinct patterns.

It's their Horse Code.

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What is the difference between a stamp and my balls ?

My balls don't need to be licked to be sticky

What did the stamp sing to the letter?

“I can show you the wooooooorld”

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Trump

However, the stamp wasn't sticking to the envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a detailed enquiry into the matter

After weeks of testing and $ 1 million in Congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings

"The stamp is in perfe...

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Did you hear?! They’re putting the Poo emoji on a stamp!

Finally! Shitpost!

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Well, I accidentally sent a nude photo of me to everyone in my contacts list

It cost me a small fortune in stamps.

I'm thinking about getting the Allegory of Bad Government tattooed on my lowered back...

...it'll be my new Trump Stamp.

A woman goes to the post office for stamps for Hanukkah cards.

She asks the cashier for stamps and the cashier replies, “What denomination?” The woman thinks for a moment and responds, “I’ll take six Orthodox, twelve Conservative, and thirty-two Reform, please.”

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A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.

The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 o...

Why was the stamp on the envelope missing?

It up and left.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Imagine you're a slug of metal rolling down a conveyor belt. A massive die drops on you and you're stamped into a shiny, perfect coin...

Are you moved and impressed?

The US postal service releases a stamp of Donald Trump

After sometime, reports start to come in that the stamp was not sticking. Infuriated that his own stamps were not working, Trump conducted a $1,300,000 investigation to find out what happened. After eliminating all of the possibilities, they observe the post office to see if the fault was on the con...

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A blonde goes to the doctor and says "I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina"

The doctor takes a look and says "Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas"

How does a DNA molecule moisten a stamp?

Helix it!

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Joe received a package in the mail with a few stamps on the front. Always the notorious scrooge, Joe peeled off the already used stamps, and then proceeded to stick them onto his own letter.

Upon being handed the mail, the mailman knew exactly what Joe had done, and proceeded to punch him in the face until Joe was rendered unconscious. He was rushed to the ER and pronounced dead the next morning.

At his funeral, many tears were shed and eulogies given. As the ceremony was comi...

Did you hear that joke about the letter that didn't have a stamp?

— Did you hear that joke about the letter that didn't have a stamp?
— No.
— Nevermind, you wouldn't get it.

My ex said my package was like the Declaration of Independence.

because it could be mailed with just a stamp

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything:

Stamps = Lickie Stickie

Defibrillators = Hearty Starty

Bumble Bees = Fuzzy Buzzy

Pregnancy Test = Maybe Baby

Bra = Breastie Nestie

Fork = Stabby Grabby

Socks = Feetie Heatie

Hippo = Floatie Bloatie

Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these" and then ...

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What did the stamp say to the letter?

Lick my ass and I'll take you places you've never been before.

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A gentleman on his way to a job interview in Brooklyn breaks the sole of his shoe.

Not wanting to arrive at the interview with a broken shoe, he asks some by-standers where the closest cobbler is.

“You’ll want Olaf Von Gundersen.” says one gentleman. “He isn’t very close by but he’s quick and his prices are just right.”

Having no choice, the man with the broken shoe...

I got some naked lady stamps and I’m confused...

I don’t know if I should lick the back of them or the front of them.

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrive...

Footballer Dwight Yorke just got denied entry to the US due to an Iranian stamp in his passport.

Makes a change at least, most of his troubles are from briefly entering Jordan.

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What do you call a penis with stamps on it?

Male.

Of course, if you have to sign for it, it's a package.

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Two potatoes hanging out on a street corner, how can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Its the one that's stamped IDAHO

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A prostitute got a tramp stamp

It said "tips appreciated"

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South American Stamps

So a lady goes to see her gyno because she's having a personal health issue. The doctor enters.
"Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's been two weeks, doc..I keep finding stamps up my vagina!"
"...stamps?.."
"Yeah! From Costa Rica! Sometimes even Ecuador! I've never even been outsi...

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What do you call it when you cover your penis in postage stamps?

Junk mail.

(Credit to one if my FB friends)

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out bushfires.

Why do elephants have big feet?

...















To stamp out burning ducks

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A nasty little kid and his father...

A nasty little kid and his father were walking down the street one day when the little kid sees a butterfly on the pavement and he stamps on it.

"That was\`nt a very nice thing to do. For doing that your not allowed to have any butter for a whole week as punishment", says the father.

T...

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Costa Rica stamps

A blond goes in to the gynecologist and says "I don't know how but I keep finding stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina, and I have never been there or no anyone who lives there" the doctor looks at one for a little bit and them come to the prognosis " Miss these aren't stamps from Costa Rica but they...

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I went into my sons room and found a mouse, so I stamped it to death.

It would have been so much easier if there wasn't a fucking cage around it.

Mike walked into a Post Office just before Valentine’s Day

He couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike’s curiosity had got...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a White Russian.

"This tastes a little funny," the guy complains. "Has your dairy gone off?" The irritated bartender grabs the carton of milk and checks the expiration date stamped on the side. "It says here that it doesn't expire until this coming Friday," the bartender says. "That means my milk has a date for Vale...

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I wonder if she got mileage points?

So a woman goes to the Ob/Gyn.

Ob: What brings you in today?
Patient: Uhm... I’ve been finding Costa Rican postage stamps in my vagina.
Ob: You’ve been finding what, where?!
Patient: Costa Rican postage stamps in my vagina...
Ob: Have you BEEN to Costa Rica?
Patient: No!
Ob...

Animal feet

Do you know why ducks have flat feet?



For stamping out forest fires.







Do you know why elephants have flat feet?







You'd think it'd be from jumping out of trees, but it's to stamp out burning ducks.

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Gods new reqirement to get into heaven.

God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?"
"Yes Sir" Peter replied.
With that God left and Peter called the...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

I once had a job at a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept run...

Do you know why so many Italian people are named Tony?

Years ago they were shipping a bunch of them into America and they stamped on their foreheads To:NY.

Why are there so many Italians named Tony in New York?

Because when they boarded the boat to immigrate to America they got their ticket stamped, "To NY"

A rich man died and went to Heaven.

He stood at the pearly gates, waiting his turn to talk to St. Peter. He noticed a sign that said you can bring one briefcase full of anything you want from Earth. He noticed a stack of empty briefcases to the side and picked one up.

When the rich man got to Peter, the saint acknowledged him a...

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Two drunks are talking in a bar..

Man 1: "No matter what I do, my wife always seems to know when I get home. I'll have the cab turn his headlights off before I get home and park on the street, I take my shoes off before I get inside, don't turn on any lights, I change for bed in the kitchen then creep upstairs and she's ALWAYS waiti...

Mbeki and his elephant

Mbeki was a boy who live in a small village on the edge of the great Serengeti plain of Africa. Mbeki would spend days watching the animals on the plain, learning and studying their behaviors.

Twice a year during the great animal migration from their summer to their winter feeding grounds and...

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