UPJOKE
imprintsealpostageimpressmoldmouldpostage stampimpressionstereotypemailclasshandstamppaperitemstomp

What did the envelope say to the stamp?

Stick with me baby, we're going places

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in...

The Postal Service just released a new postage stamp commemorating Prostitution ...

They only cost 25 cents. But if you want to lick them, they're a dollar.

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Adolph Hitler had a stamp on his desk

It was solely used to RSVP for meetings. The picture resembled a dolphin breaching water. Historians now believe the message was to mean Adolph in.

Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...

and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

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How do you tell the biological sex of an ant?

You put them in separate envelopes and put a stamp and leave it for the postman. if the postman leaves the letter, girl ant; if the post man takes the letter, mail ant.

me [ post office ]: i’m returning this book of “forever” stamps

**him:** there’s nothing in here

**me:** so you agree i’ve been swindled

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What is the difference between a stamp and my balls ?

My balls don't need to be licked to be sticky

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Still a virgin,,,

A couple got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love making, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, ...

I’m a divorce lawyer

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the be...

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing...

,,,it cost me a fortune in stamps.

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigatio...

US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp...

But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.

If it weren't for food stamps, I wouldn't have anything to eat.

But man do they taste awful!

I used to collect stamps but gave it up, but then I realized it wasn't worth the time

Philately will get you nowhere

Why did the motivational speaker have a shirt made of stamps?

Because he is an outgoing male.

A foreman of a factory was making his rounds inspecting how all of the workers were doing their jobs.

“Well," he said to one blond worker, "I see you are doing a very diligent job stamping all of the boxes 'THIS SIDE UP'."

"Yes," the worker replied, eager to please, "and just to be extra sure I stamped the bottom also!"

Can I see some ID?

*Disclaimer: I heard this joke from Joe Lycett, it's not mine*

I went to an off-license (a liquor shop) to get a bottle to celebrate my new house, and in the shop in front of me was a lad buying a 4-pack of lager beer. Behind the counter was a girl, maybe 18, 20, not much older, and she said ...

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The Swiss

Two Swiss guys decide to walk from their hotel from the train station.
30 minutes into the walk one of the guys turns around and stamps on a snail that was behind them, squishing it to death. ´What the fuck did you do that for!?´exclaimed his friend. To which his companion replied ´Well, that fu...

Why will the U.S. Post Office never issue a Donald Trump stamp?

Because 60 percent of Americans would spit on the front side, and 40 percent would lick the back side.

USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presen...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

The U.S. postal services came out with a new Donald Trump stamp. Although they received many complaints that they were defective!

After polling the public on how the stamp is defective, they figured out nothing was wrong with the stamp at all!

The americans were just not spitting on the right side!

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Did you hear?! They’re putting the Poo emoji on a stamp!

Finally! Shitpost!

A shy lad was at a party and got talking to a pretty girl. After a while he builds up the courage to tells her that she is gorgeous and asks if she would like to go back to his place to look at his stamp collection...

... “Philately will get you nowhere!” the girl replies.

How does a DNA molecule moisten a stamp?

Helix it!

A suicidal man is teetering on the edge of a roof...

Behind him, he hears a voice beg, "Please, sir, don't do this."

There is a young woman behind him, repairing an HVAC unit.

"Life may look bleak, but that's part of the beauty of living. Look at me, I got pregnant at age 15, kicked out of my family home and had to live a hard life."
...

Fun fact: members of the equine family can send messages to each other by stamping the ground in distinct patterns.

It's their Horse Code.

What did the stamp sing to the letter?

“I can show you the wooooooorld”

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his da...

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What did the stamp say to the letter?

Lick my ass and I'll take you places you've never been before.

Did you hear that joke about the letter that didn't have a stamp?

— Did you hear that joke about the letter that didn't have a stamp?
— No.
— Nevermind, you wouldn't get it.

Footballer Dwight Yorke just got denied entry to the US due to an Iranian stamp in his passport.

Makes a change at least, most of his troubles are from briefly entering Jordan.

[translated joke] A burglar enters a house,holds the couple at gunpoint and then ties the man and woman to the bed with belts and ties

"Take whatever you want but let her go " pleads the man..

"Shut up " said the burglar

"I can tell you the combination of the safe" cried the husband" you can take everything inside.just let her go"

"Really" asked the burglar

" I've a rare stamp book collection. Would fet...

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Hanukkah stamps

A woman goes to the post office and asks to buy some Hanukkah stamps. The clerk asks: "What denomination would you like?" The woman thinks for a moment and says: "6 Orthodox, 4 Conservative, and 2 Reform."

Why was the physicist angry at the postage stamp?

Because no matter how hard he tried, it just wouldn't gluon.

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A prostitute got a tramp stamp

It said "tips appreciated"

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A blonde goes to the gynecologist.

"What seems to be the problem?" he asked her.


"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!"

The gynecologist took a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps, ma'am. They're the stickers off the bananas."

Imagine you're a slug of metal rolling down a conveyor belt. A massive die drops on you and you're stamped into a shiny, perfect coin...

Are you moved and impressed?

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend.. So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing.

Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everything alright? Did that man hurt you?", Dave asked.

"No no, everything is alright.", she says as she wipes her tears. "How can i help you?"

"...

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I had a nasty looking boil on the end of my penis. So I phoned my doctor and he asked if I could take a picture and send it to him. I mistakenly sent it to everyone in my address book!

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

Why did the Polish guy throw away his food stamps?

They tasted terrible

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What do you call a penis with stamps on it?

Male.

Of course, if you have to sign for it, it's a package.

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I went into my sons room and found a mouse, so I stamped it to death.

It would have been so much easier if there wasn't a fucking cage around it.

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What do you call it when you cover your penis in postage stamps?

Junk mail.

(Credit to one if my FB friends)

What would you rather be stamped on by a herd of elephants or an angry woman in high heels...

At least the elephants you could reason with

3 Chinese blokes apply for American visa.

They decide to use Americanized names for starting their new lives.

So, Chu became Chuck and got his Visa stamped.

Lu became Luck and also received his Visa.

Fu had to continue working in the paddy fields.

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Joe received a package in the mail with a few stamps on the front. Always the notorious scrooge, Joe peeled off the already used stamps, and then proceeded to stick them onto his own letter.

Upon being handed the mail, the mailman knew exactly what Joe had done, and proceeded to punch him in the face until Joe was rendered unconscious. He was rushed to the ER and pronounced dead the next morning.

At his funeral, many tears were shed and eulogies given. As the ceremony was comi...

Why are there so many Italian guys named “Tony”?

Because when they were loaded onto a ship from Italy, they stamped their foreheads with “To: NY”

Two Minnesota hunters travelled south to Iowa, one winter, to hunt deer.

After tracking a big stag for miles they finally get it in their sites and take it down.

As they struggled dragging the dead animal across the snowy, open fields, back to their pickup, they were stopped by a DNR officer and he asked to see their hunting licenses and stamps.

Assured...

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South American Stamps

So a lady goes to see her gyno because she's having a personal health issue. The doctor enters.
"Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's been two weeks, doc..I keep finding stamps up my vagina!"
"...stamps?.."
"Yeah! From Costa Rica! Sometimes even Ecuador! I've never even been outsi...

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Costa Rica stamps

A blond goes in to the gynecologist and says "I don't know how but I keep finding stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina, and I have never been there or no anyone who lives there" the doctor looks at one for a little bit and them come to the prognosis " Miss these aren't stamps from Costa Rica but they...

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A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more c...

A boy goes to his School Career Advisor to talk about what he should do after school.

The Advisor says to him, do you have any particular interests or talents? The boy says, I really love stamps, studying them, collecting them, everything about them. The Career Advisor shakes his head and says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but philately will get you nowhere.

Elephant jokes, because it's what 2021 needs

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

Bonus #1: How can you tell an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the cheesecake.

Bonus #2: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time...

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.<...

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A bride goes to her husband on their wedding night...

And says, “I need to tell you something before we go to bed. I’m a virgin.”

Her husband was shocked, he’s her fourth marriage! He says, “HOW is it that you’ve been married three times before but you’re still a virgin?”

The bride replies, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist, and ...

What travels the world by staying in his corner ?

A stamps

I have decided to wrap myself up and sell my body.

I told the mail man to put a stamp on me and drop me as a parcel to whoever accepts me.
I just view myself as a bag of energy, but my intellectualism goes over people’s head.

Sadly, no one gets me.

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A gentleman on his way to a job interview in Brooklyn breaks the sole of his shoe.

Not wanting to arrive at the interview with a broken shoe, he asks some by-standers where the closest cobbler is.

“You’ll want Olaf Von Gundersen.” says one gentleman. “He isn’t very close by but he’s quick and his prices are just right.”

Having no choice, the man with the broken shoe...

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