The 60+ Best Stamp Jokes

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[Blonde][NSFW] The blonde asked her gynecologist “Why do I finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina?”

The amused doctor replied, “Those aren’t postage stamps, they’re the stickers that come on bananas”

What did the stamp say to the envelope?

“Stick with me and we’ll go places!”

How does a DNA molecule moisten a stamp?

Helix it.

The world's most expensive object by weight : at 8 million dollars per gram, it's a stamp

UPDATE : weighing 25 grams and costing a staggering 22 Bugatti cars, the new winner is Andrew Tate's pizza box.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
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Stamps

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk. “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.”

I used to collect stamps when I was younger

But then one day I realized, philately will get you nowhere.

A former practitioner in sleeves and tramp stamps, Luke Skywalker had given up his artistry to save the galaxy

But when he was finished, he returned to Tatooine

USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presen...

They've already had to recall the Nancy Reagan stamps because they don't stick to the envelope

Everyone is spitting on the wrong side.

The Postal Service just released a new postage stamp commemorating Prostitution ...

They only cost 25 cents. But if you want to lick them, they're a dollar.

Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...

and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

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What is the difference between a stamp and my balls ?

My balls don't need to be licked to be sticky

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Adolph Hitler had a stamp on his desk

It was solely used to RSVP for meetings. The picture resembled a dolphin breaching water. Historians now believe the message was to mean Adolph in.

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10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales r...

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I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigatio...

You need to put another stamp on this parcel as it’s to heavy

But another stamp will just make it heavyer

If it weren't for food stamps, I wouldn't have anything to eat.

But man do they taste awful!

Why did the motivational speaker have a shirt made of stamps?

Because he is an outgoing male.

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Did you hear?! They’re putting the Poo emoji on a stamp!

Finally! Shitpost!

A shy lad was at a party and got talking to a pretty girl. After a while he builds up the courage to tells her that she is gorgeous and asks if she would like to go back to his place to look at his stamp collection...

... “Philately will get you nowhere!” the girl replies.

Fun fact: members of the equine family can send messages to each other by stamping the ground in distinct patterns.

It's their Horse Code.

US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp...

But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.

What did the stamp sing to the letter?

“I can show you the wooooooorld”

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

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What did the stamp say to the letter?

Lick my ass and I'll take you places you've never been before.

Did you hear that joke about the letter that didn't have a stamp?

— Did you hear that joke about the letter that didn't have a stamp?
— No.
— Nevermind, you wouldn't get it.

Hanukkah stamps

A woman goes to the post office and asks to buy some Hanukkah stamps. The clerk asks: "What denomination would you like?" The woman thinks for a moment and says: "6 Orthodox, 4 Conservative, and 2 Reform."

Footballer Dwight Yorke just got denied entry to the US due to an Iranian stamp in his passport.

Makes a change at least, most of his troubles are from briefly entering Jordan.

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A blonde goes to the doctor and says "I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina"

The doctor takes a look and says "Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas"

Why will the U.S. Post Office never issue a Donald Trump stamp?

Because 60 percent of Americans would spit on the front side, and 40 percent would lick the back side.

The U.S. postal services came out with a new Donald Trump stamp. Although they received many complaints that they were defective!

After polling the public on how the stamp is defective, they figured out nothing was wrong with the stamp at all!

The americans were just not spitting on the right side!

Imagine you're a slug of metal rolling down a conveyor belt. A massive die drops on you and you're stamped into a shiny, perfect coin...

Are you moved and impressed?

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South American Stamps

So a lady goes to see her gyno because she's having a personal health issue. The doctor enters.
"Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's been two weeks, doc..I keep finding stamps up my vagina!"
"...stamps?.."
"Yeah! From Costa Rica! Sometimes even Ecuador! I've never even been outsi...

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A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more c...

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A prostitute got a tramp stamp

It said "tips appreciated"

Four rabbis are having a debate

Four rabbis are debating scripture out in the garden, and one of them notices he's continuously outvoted by the other three even though he's absolutely certain he's right. At a certain point, his frustration gets the best of him and he stands up, raises his hands and and says "My Lord, you must know...

Why did the Polish guy throw away his food stamps?

They tasted terrible

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Joe received a package in the mail with a few stamps on the front. Always the notorious scrooge, Joe peeled off the already used stamps, and then proceeded to stick them onto his own letter.

Upon being handed the mail, the mailman knew exactly what Joe had done, and proceeded to punch him in the face until Joe was rendered unconscious. He was rushed to the ER and pronounced dead the next morning.
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At his funeral, many tears were shed and eulogies given. As the ceremony was comi...

The jeweler received a new stamp kit as a birthday present

He thought it was pretty impressive.

What does the Queen of England call post stamps ?

Selfies.

I got some naked lady stamps and I’m confused...

I don’t know if I should lick the back of them or the front of them.

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What do you call a penis with stamps on it?

Male.

Of course, if you have to sign for it, it's a package.

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I went into my sons room and found a mouse, so I stamped it to death.

It would have been so much easier if there wasn't a fucking cage around it.

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What do you call it when you cover your penis in postage stamps?

Junk mail.

(Credit to one if my FB friends)

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Costa Rica stamps

A blond goes in to the gynecologist and says "I don't know how but I keep finding stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina, and I have never been there or no anyone who lives there" the doctor looks at one for a little bit and them come to the prognosis " Miss these aren't stamps from Costa Rica but they...

What would you rather be stamped on by a herd of elephants or an angry woman in high heels...

At least the elephants you could reason with

Why are so many Italian men named Tony?

When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...

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A blond woman goes to the hospital...

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the stickers off the bananas"

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

Did you hear about the buffalo fossil excavation where they found partially digested mail bags in their stomachs?

It turns out they were stamp eating across the Midwest.

Two potatoes are sitting in a field. Which one is the hooker?

It's the one with the stamp that says "Idaho."

John Cleese Joke ..

The U.S. Postal service created a series of commemorative stamps commemorating lawyers, but they had to withdraw them within a couple of weeks because people couldn't figure out which side of the stamp to spit on.

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A husband and wife are playing golf...

A husband and wife are playing golf at a very high end golf course that's right next to an even fancier neighborhood. They tee off on the 3rd hole and the husband's drive veers sharp to the left, sending the golf ball through the window of an extravagant, luxurious home. Clearly the most expensive h...

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How do you tell the biological sex of an ant?

You put them in separate envelopes and put a stamp and leave it for the postman. if the postman leaves the letter, girl ant; if the post man takes the letter, mail ant.

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.

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Do you know why so many Italian people are named Tony?

Years ago they were shipping a bunch of them into America and they stamped on their foreheads To:NY.

[translated joke] A burglar enters a house,holds the couple at gunpoint and then ties the man and woman to the bed with belts and ties

"Take whatever you want but let her go " pleads the man..

"Shut up " said the burglar

"I can tell you the combination of the safe" cried the husband" you can take everything inside.just let her go"

"Really" asked the burglar

" I've a rare stamp book collection. Would fet...

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