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Tony Jokes

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Little Tony

Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says

"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"

Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."...

How much did it cost HYDRA to kill Tony's parents?

1 buck

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"I'm sorry." The Judge asked Tony Stark. "You want to divorce Mrs. Potts because she's a tad weird?"

"No!" Tony exclaimed. "I want to divorce her because she's fucking Strange."

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

My friend Tony told me to say his name backwards.

I said y not!

Peter Parker and Tony Stark walk into a bar.

Bartender: what can I get for you today?

Tony: I’ll have a margarita, and the kid’s gonna get a Capri-Sun.

Peter: Mr. Stark I’m 21.

Tony:

Peter: I can order my own Capri-Sun.

What do Stephen Hawking and Tony Hawk have in common?

The both love ramps.

In honor of, and with apologies to, Tony Bennett

Two close friends, Sam Frank and Frank Sam, pass away on the same day. Frank Sam, having led a good life, went to heaven and played a harp in the celestial choir. Sam Frank, having led a somewhat less noble life, wound up in hell running a disco. Frank Sam really missed his old friend and asked perm...

Trump allegedly had an affair with Tony the Tiger.

When reached for a comment, his response want typical: "Nope, not true. Flake news."

Elon Musk thinks he's a real life Tony Stark

But he's actually a real life Justin Hammer

Did you hear the news about the guy who killed Tony the Tiger?

He's a cereal killer

What do you call a guy with no shins?

Tony

Why are there so many Italians named Tony in New York?

Because when they boarded the boat to immigrate to America they got their ticket stamped, "To NY"

Why are so many Italian men named Tony?

When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...

Do you know why so many Italian people are named Tony?

Years ago they were shipping a bunch of them into America and they stamped on their foreheads To:NY.

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers.

When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it.

When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it.

When they got to the t...

Did you know that Tony Stark started cross dressing?

Sometimes he goes out dressed as FE male.

George Bush was visiting the queen of England...

when he asked her "I must say, you run a real tight ship over here, would you mind telling me some of your secrets or advice?".

The queen said "sure, its quite simple, I surround myself with smart people, for example, watch this". She then calls upon Tony Blair. "Tony, I have a simple questio...

Tony Dungy visits Bill Belicheck to try and learn the Patriots secrets.

He asks Bill about how he always wins no mater what is going on.

Bill calls Tom Brady into his office and asks him "who is you father's brother's nephew?"

Brady responds "Me"

Bill turns to Tony and says "see you, need smart players"

The next day at practice Tony calls ove...

How did Tony the Tiger find out he was going to be a dad?

His wife said “Honey, I’m laaaaaaaaaate”

Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War

Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.

Fury: Wait, are you serious?

Tony: No cap

Tony Hawk walks into a bar....

The bartender doesn’t recognize him.

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Little Tony was sitting on a park bench

munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.

Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years ...

Do you know why so many Italians are named Tony?

Because when the immigrated to America, they put stickers on their lapels with To N.Y.

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My mate's name is Tony Hancock

We call him appendages

I keep getting Tony Hawk and Steven Hawking confused.

I mean, they both liked ramps

What happened to Tony Stark after he died?

He became Urn Man

How’d you get the name Tony?

I was born with no shins.

A joke for Tony Bennett fans...

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.
Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and ...

A larger-than-life character, Big Tony, walks into a bar.

Big Tony orders a drink. He bellows out, "when Big Tony drinks, everybody drinks!" The patrons of the bar all rush to get served their favorite tipple.

Then he orders some food. "When Big Tony eats, everybody eats!" Suddenly the kitchen is overwhelmed.

He places a twenty on the bar, an...

Tony and Rose

Tony’s on his death bed, taking his last breaths.

Rose, his wife of forty years sits by his side.

Tony calls her over and says, “Rose, after forty years, on my death bed, I have finally learned what you are to me!”

Rose replies, “What, my love?”

Tony goes on, “When we met...

I just heard that Tony Bennett has Alzheimers.

He left his heart in San Diego.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

Congratulations Tony Romo.

For finally making it to the Super Bowl.

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

Tony Stark and Pepper potts are sitting in bathtub feeling Happy..

... Suddenly Happy felt disgusted and left.

Tony Stark wasn't crying

There was just some Peter Parker in his eye.

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What's the difference between Tony Blair & a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?

Nothing, they're both useless tossers...

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Did you guys see the new line of Tony Romo's cologne?

Every time you wear it, you fuck up and the other guy scores.

Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger, and the Trix Rabbit were found dead recently

The police concluded that this is the work of a Cereal Killer.

I think my photographer was a Tony Stark fan.

Cause he died after snapping.

What the difference between Tony Stark and a vegan Big Lebowski?

One is Iron Man, and the other is iron deficient, man

Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their money,

Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

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A man named Tony gets on an airplane

A man named Tony gets on an airplane in New York going to Las Vegas, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a stunningly beautiful and very sexy woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards him. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo an...

What do Link and Tony Stark have in common?

They're both smashing pots

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Stan Lee wrote Tony Stark as a character with a sexual identity crisis.

He's all man, but likes to dress as FEmale

What is the opposite of Tony?

Finger elbow.

Tony tells his friend Jimmy: "My son is stupid."

Jimmy doesn't believe him. So they go to Tony's house and enter his son's room. Tony tells him: "In my left hand I have a $2 bill. In my right hand I have a $20 bill. Pick one and it's yours." The son picks the $2 bill and goes outside, leaving Jimmy dumbfounded.

15 minutes later Jimmy finds...

Tony walked into a bar in Texas…

And he saw a sign that said: “WIN $10,000!” He asked the bartender, “How does this contest work?” The bartender replied, “You have to eat the entire pot of chili from two years ago” and he points to a smelly old pot in the middle of the counter. “How much to try?” Tony asked. “$10.00” the bartender ...

Tommy and Tony are in prison.

Tommy and Tony are in prison, in separate cells, some distance away from each other. Sad little jail cells, with only a solitary, tiny barred window to peek into the outside. So they pass the time as best they can by telling each other jokes.

One day, Tommy asks , "Got any new jokes, Tony?"...

You must be a Tony Hawk game

because when I'm with you, I'm Neversoft.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession and tells the priest a couple of mild sins.

"Is that all?" asks the priest, surprised.

"Yes, that's it. There are no more sins."

"And who steals apples from my garden?" asks the priest.

"Father, the acoustics in her...

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A student visits the principal’s office one day...

The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” The student replies: “T-T-T-on-on-on-tony, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?” The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

Tony was in court filing for divorce just few months after marriage

Tony married one of a pair of identical twins.

A few months later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Would you tell the court your reason for wanting a divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Tony began, "periodically my sister-in-law would come over
for a visit and...

A saw an old man in the park shouting "Come here, Tony Montana! Come here!"...

When a dog came running I had to go up and ask him if he really named his dog Tony Montana?

- Yes, I named him that since all he does is quote the movie Scarface.

I got a confused look on my face and asked if he was serious?

- Hey, I'll prove it to you!

He turned to his...

Sadly, the voice actor of Tony the Tiger has passed away

His last words: "I don't feel GRRRREAT!"

A fantastic joke from local English comedian Tony Wallace

A man rings his gran and asks how her doctor's appointment went.

"He hit on you? No Gran, I'm sure he was just being nice."

A few seconds pause.

"No Gran, he said you had acute angina."

In trying to rid the world of weapons, Tony Stark gave it its best one ever.

Guess you could call him Irony Man

Little Tony was the son of a well respected Mob boss.

One day, the Mob boss decides he wants to test his son to see if the boy has what it takes to lead the family business. "Little Tony," he asks. "If you received stolen money, and you were looking for a place to hide it, where would you stash it so the cops could never get it?"

Little Tony thi...

Why are so many Italians named Tony?

Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.

Tony Stark's drag queen name.

Fe Male.

What is Tony Romo's favorite lottery game?

Pick Six

My truck is a lot like Tony Romo.

It will turn over, but the clutch doesn't work.

For our anniversary I asked my wife if she'd mind spicing things up by wearing a catsuit and trying something new.

So if anyone wants to know what it's like to be pegged by Tony the Tiger, ask away.

Why cant you trust Italians at an award ceremony?

They've been known to rig a Tony

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3 Missing Toes

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

Meanwhil...

Two women are discussing their love lives

Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."

Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."

"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

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What does Tony Romo and a porn star have in common?

They both know how to choke.

give me an example of a tragedy?

Tony Abbott was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Abbott if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a '...

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