This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1st grade teacher asked the students: What is the fastest thing in the world? Tony replied: lightning. Melanie said: light Jimmy said:

Diahrrea.
The teacher asked Jimmy why He tought diahrrea was the fastest thing in the world?
Jimmy said:
Last night while sleeping I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, I got up as fast as a lightning went to turn the light on and before the light was on I had already shit myself.

Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War

Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.

Fury: Wait, are you serious?

Tony: No cap

How did Tony the Tiger find out he was going to be a dad?

His wife said “Honey, I’m laaaaaaaaaate”

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards..

And i asked Y not...?

Heard there will be special scrutiny on Italians at the upcoming Tony Awards.

Word is they know how to rigatoni.

Why are there so many Italian guys named “Tony”?

Because when they were loaded onto a ship from Italy, they stamped their foreheads with “To: NY”

Tony Dungy visits Bill Belicheck to try and learn the Patriots secrets.

He asks Bill about how he always wins no mater what is going on.

Bill calls Tom Brady into his office and asks him "who is you father's brother's nephew?"

Brady responds "Me"

Bill turns to Tony and says "see you, need smart players"

The next day at practice Tony calls ove...

What do Donald Trump and Tony the Tiger share in common?

Both are orange and both say They're Gr-r-reat!

Do you know why so many Italians are named Tony?

Because when the immigrated to America, they put stickers on their lapels with To N.Y.

Peter Parker and Tony Stark walk into a bar.

Bartender: what can I get for you today?

Tony: I’ll have a margarita, and the kid’s gonna get a Capri-Sun.

Peter: Mr. Stark I’m 21.

Tony:

Peter: I can order my own Capri-Sun.

How much does it cost to kill Tony Stark's family?

One Buck.

Tony Hawk walks into a bar....

The bartender doesn’t recognize him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Tony Blair & a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?

Nothing, they're both useless tossers...

What do Stephen Hawking and Tony Hawk have in common?

The both love ramps.

I just heard that Tony Bennett has Alzheimers.

He left his heart in San Diego.

I read that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found murdered along with Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger

Authorities suspect it's the work of a cereal killer.

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate's name is Tony Hancock

We call him appendages

Why cant you trust Italians at an award ceremony?

They've been known to rig a Tony

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

A larger-than-life character, Big Tony, walks into a bar.

Big Tony orders a drink. He bellows out, "when Big Tony drinks, everybody drinks!" The patrons of the bar all rush to get served their favorite tipple.

Then he orders some food. "When Big Tony eats, everybody eats!" Suddenly the kitchen is overwhelmed.

He places a twenty on the bar, an...

A saw an old man in the park shouting "Come here, Tony Montana! Come here!"...

When a dog came running I had to go up and ask him if he really named his dog Tony Montana?

- Yes, I named him that since all he does is quote the movie Scarface.

I got a confused look on my face and asked if he was serious?

- Hey, I'll prove it to you!

He turned to his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got done playing Tony Hawk's Pro Masturbator 2. If you're not familiar with that game it's where you pretend you are Tony,

while grinding away on a gnarly rail bro.

Tony is at court trying to understand why he has $3,000 in parking tickets

Judge: It's a fine.

Tony: Itsa NOT fine!

Tony Stark gives TED talks for a post-Iron Man living

He has done it many times before, and his 'If you're nothing without it then you shouldn't have it' motto is widely followed by the entire world.

"But I'm nothing without GTA V!" "If you're nothing without GTA V then you shouldn't have it." for example.

One day, the entire world is in ...

What happened to Tony Stark after he died?

He became Urn Man

Years ago I won a tony for my work in the theatre, but year after year went by and my dull attempts to win another were in vain. Then, one day I wrote a play about how I changed my routine and began to lead an exciting life. For this I won another award.

You could say I’ve broken out of monotony

More of a story than a joke, but it's worth it.

Tony, a friend and mentor of mine (a dad figure) used to start talking about his fantastic new hearing aid, telling anyone who would listen about how everything sounded so clear to him now that he had this new device. He would say, "It's a new kind; it's NOT a MiracleEar." Of course once he told the...

Endgame Spoiler : Tony Stark and Bucky becomes partners to start a business at the end of the movie.

They name it Starbucks.

How’d you get the name Tony?

I was born with no shins.

What the difference between Tony Stark and a vegan Big Lebowski?

One is Iron Man, and the other is iron deficient, man

Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their money,

Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

Tony and Rose

Tony’s on his death bed, taking his last breaths.

Rose, his wife of forty years sits by his side.

Tony calls her over and says, “Rose, after forty years, on my death bed, I have finally learned what you are to me!”

Rose replies, “What, my love?”

Tony goes on, “When we met...

For the last couple of weeks i've been unable to stop singing songs by Tony Bennet, Nat king Cole, Perry Como and Bing crosby. After a while it all got too much so I went to see my doctor.

Apparently i have crooner virus!

Two old friends meet on the street one day who haven’t seen each other in years...

“Tony! Is that you?”

“Hal! You look terrific! What’s your secret?”

“I hit a hitchhiker late at night three years ago when I was drunk and fled the scene, leaving him for dead.”

“Um... I meant for looking so young.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stan Lee wrote Tony Stark as a character with a sexual identity crisis.

He's all man, but likes to dress as FEmale

Tony tells his friend Jimmy: "My son is stupid."

Jimmy doesn't believe him. So they go to Tony's house and enter his son's room. Tony tells him: "In my left hand I have a $2 bill. In my right hand I have a $20 bill. Pick one and it's yours." The son picks the $2 bill and goes outside, leaving Jimmy dumbfounded.

15 minutes later Jimmy finds...

Tony Stark and Pepper potts are sitting in bathtub feeling Happy..

... Suddenly Happy felt disgusted and left.

Now the devil said "here's where you'll dwell,"

"so get used to the sulfer-ey smell."
"You may think it's too hot,"
"but you earned what you got,"
 to one Tony Scalia, in hell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, the church in my town fell on hard time recently

There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local fl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Tony was sitting on a park bench

munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.

Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day little Tony gets sent home from school

His mother sends him to his room and tells him his father will deal with him when he gets home.

Big Al gets home from work and goes to see Little Tony in his room.

Big Al: Little Tony, what happened at school today? Your mother said you got sent home.

Little Tony: Well we were ...

What do Tony Stark and Samus Aran have in common?

Underneath the suit, they're both Fe male

Tony did all he could to avoid maths & decided to study Botany.

He later became famous for discovering that discarded tree trunks emit a regular pattern of sounds & is now focused on calculating the sounds.

After avoiding maths, he still ended up in a career solving Log rhythms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a fu...

In trying to rid the world of weapons, Tony Stark gave it its best one ever.

Guess you could call him Irony Man

A joke for Tony Bennett fans...

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.
Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and ...

Tony was in court filing for divorce just few months after marriage

Tony married one of a pair of identical twins.

A few months later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Would you tell the court your reason for wanting a divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Tony began, "periodically my sister-in-law would come over
for a visit and...

What is the opposite of Tony?

Finger elbow.

Little Tony was the son of a well respected Mob boss.

One day, the Mob boss decides he wants to test his son to see if the boy has what it takes to lead the family business. "Little Tony," he asks. "If you received stolen money, and you were looking for a place to hide it, where would you stash it so the cops could never get it?"

Little Tony thi...

Congratulations Tony Romo.

For finally making it to the Super Bowl.

Tony walked into a bar in Texas…

And he saw a sign that said: “WIN $10,000!” He asked the bartender, “How does this contest work?” The bartender replied, “You have to eat the entire pot of chili from two years ago” and he points to a smelly old pot in the middle of the counter. “How much to try?” Tony asked. “$10.00” the bartender ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sat down to dinner with his three sons.

He looks at Billy and says, “Billy, you fat bastard. Why are you so fat?”

Billy says, “It mommas pasta.”
His fathers says, “You’ve gotta take smaller bites.”

He looks at his son Bobby and says, “Bobby, you fat bastard. Why are you so fat?”

Bobby says, “It mommas pasta.”
H...

You know what they're gonna say when Tony Hawk dies?

Tony Hawks Underground

Tony Stark wasn't crying

There was just some Peter Parker in his eye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Italian Wedding Night

**Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.**


**Her mother reassured her;**


**'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of...

Tony Abbott was visiting a Sydney primary school....

....and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Abbott if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy' A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best f...

This girl I took home from the bar wanted to role-play. I told her I would be Tony the Tiger.

But apparently a "Frosted Face" isn't good. Or great.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man named Tony gets on an airplane

A man named Tony gets on an airplane in New York going to Las Vegas, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a stunningly beautiful and very sexy woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards him. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo an...

Sadly, the voice actor of Tony the Tiger has passed away

His last words: "I don't feel GRRRREAT!"

Trump allegedly had an affair with Tony the Tiger.

When reached for a comment, his response want typical: "Nope, not true. Flake news."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys see the new line of Tony Romo's cologne?

Every time you wear it, you fuck up and the other guy scores.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tony ambled into a bar

Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash.
"Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender.
"Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spi...

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession and tells the priest a couple of mild sins.

"Is that all?" asks the priest, surprised.

"Yes, that's it. There are no more sins."

"And who steals apples from my garden?" asks the priest.

"Father, the acoustics in her...

You must be a Tony Hawk game

because when I'm with you, I'm Neversoft.

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers.

When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it.

When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it.

When they got to the t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John was at his best friend's party

The next day, when he wakes up at home, he is noticeably shocked. So his wife asks: "Honey, what on earth happenend yesterday that you are so silent?"
The husband answers: "Yesterday at Tony's Party, right? They had a goddamn golden toilet. can you imagine that?" His wife can't really believe th...

Three drunk friends decided to take a taxi after a night of drinking.

Bobby, Tony, and Bougart all rode at the back of the taxi and ordered the driver to drive them home one by one.

The taxi driver had an idea for a quick buck since all of his passengers are dead drunk. He started the engine and just waited for 10 seconds and turned it off again. He told to t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, Tony, breaks up with his girlfriend...

...and decides the best way to get over her is to go to the bar and pick up a new chick for the night. He buys drinks for all the ladies and none of them show interest. At the end of the night the bartender makes the last call and Tony, disappointed, makes his way out the back to head home. As the d...

Tommy and Tony are in prison.

Tommy and Tony are in prison, in separate cells, some distance away from each other. Sad little jail cells, with only a solitary, tiny barred window to peek into the outside. So they pass the time as best they can by telling each other jokes.

One day, Tommy asks , "Got any new jokes, Tony?"...

Why are a lot of Italians named Tony?

Because as they got on the boat to leave Italy, they were stamped on the head, "TO NY".

Tony Romo, Michael Vick, and Eli Manning walk into a bar...

...to watch the playoffs.

What did Tony Abbott (Prime minister of Australia) do with the half-eaten banana?

He re-peeled it.

A fantastic joke from local English comedian Tony Wallace

A man rings his gran and asks how her doctor's appointment went.

"He hit on you? No Gran, I'm sure he was just being nice."

A few seconds pause.

"No Gran, he said you had acute angina."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two girls are speaking and one tearfully confesses:

\- Oh, Jane, I've a problem: I've never been eaten because my pussy smells a lot like onion.

\- I think you're in luck: I have a friend, Tony, who can't smell absolutely anything. And seeing how beautiful you are, I'm sure you will get along well.

The girl calls the boy, they meet to g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank invites Tony and Vito to a party (nsfw-ish)

Frank, Tony, and Vito are 3 friends from Brooklyn. One week Frank is having a party at his house and invites Tony and Vito. It's a theme party; "dress as your favorite mood"

The day of the party comes and Frank answers a knock on the door. Standing there ass-naked are Tony and Vito, except th...

How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish?(X-post r/nfl)

Mark Sanchez.

Bad car acronyms. I know a few, you got others?

Ford => Found On Road Dead. ... ... or ... ... First On Race Day. (Depends if you're a fan)

Fiat => Fix It Again Tony

BMW => Bavarian Money Waster

Subaru => backwards is U R A Bus

Chevrolet => acronym for all the engine problems to expect... Cracked ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.