How to Test Candidates

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements?"

Manager: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation:

If ...

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

Trump kept talking about restoring "law and order."

I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.

A guy is walking along a beach and finds a mysterious ancient lamp

He drains the water out of it and rubs it to clean it up when it starts to shake in his hand and smoke comes out of it. Suddenly a wizened old genie appears.

"You have freed me from my imprisonment in the lamp, O generous one," the genie says and falls at his feet.

The guy is taken ab...

An interviewer said to the candidate

An interviewer said to the candidate ,"Here we need responsible people whom we can count on"

Candidate: "Oh then I'm perfect for the job; in my last job i was responsible when anything went wrong"

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The Admiral

An Admiral, whom lost one of his ears in an accident and was very
sensitive about his appearance, was interviewing a Navy Master Chiefs,
an Aviation Master Chief and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal
staff...


The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it w...

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Twelve Italian priests...

...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced...

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.

“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?”

He thought for a moment and said, *“You have a point but then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”*

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My (lawyer) mom's favorite lawyer joke

A large law firm is getting a lot of bad press because they don't have any women in the firm, so the heads of the firm get together and decide to hire three women and make one of them full partner.



After selecting three candidates, they devise a test to figure out which of them to mak...

What’s the most attention grabbing way to advertise a political candidate?

Poll dancing

this might crack you up

Humpty Dumpty wanted to be cast as the lead for an upcoming remake of Casablanca. He made it through several rounds of auditions and was among the final pool of candidates.

At the end of the final day, the candidates joined the film staff in walking to a nearby Chinese restaurant for dinner.<...

How do you stop Sonic the Hedgehog from running?

Elect some other candidate in the primaries.

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What do strippers and presidential candidates have in common?

They both go up and down polls

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Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo

The cardinal test.

To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes.

The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woma...

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What happened after the candidate took Viagra?

He awaited the erection results.

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

The Presidential Election will never bring a satisfactory conclusion, there’s no flow it’s just one candidate that changes the subject constantly,while the other can’t perform for too long

we truly have Electile Dysfunction

The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so

They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.


They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.


They will get to meat of it all.

the CIA is hiring an assassin and they are down to the last three candidate of two men and one woman.

so the test operator goes to the first man, hands him a gun, and says this. "your wife is in that room, go in and shoot her". the first man drops the gun and says there is no way he is going to do that. so the test operator hands the gun to the second man and says the same thing. He goes and puts hi...

What's NC Senate candidate Cal Cunningham's position on extra marital affairs?

Missionary.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

Interviewer: What drives you? Candidate: The bus mostly.

Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?

Candidate: Missing the bus!

What did the pessimistic and candid mine owner, say to his workers.

Wow! This really blew up. Thanks for the gold.

Quasimodo needs a vacation.

He goes to the Dean of the cathedral and asks for a leave. He’s told taking time off is OK if he will arrange for someone to take his place temporarily. So Quasimodo posts a job on LinkedIn for a bell ringer.
Several people respond but the best candidates were a pair of twins. They were quite eag...

After looking at the various candidates, I've decided we all need to vote for Thanos 2020

It'll be a "snap decision."

A Candid Evaluation of the British Navy

Once upon a time, in the 1800s, a bureaucrat of the British Empire was assigned the task of interviewing sailors to get a candid evaluation of the level of contentedness of sailors with their captain. As he was opening his folder, he asked the first sailor that he was interviewing, "Where are you fr...

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

If all of the Democratic candidates this primary had military experience...

...then, in theory, we could have seen a race between G.I. Joe and Colonel Sanders.

After extensive testing the C.I.A. has gotten down to it's final 3 candidates of this recruiting cycle, being 1 female and 2 males.

The recruiter tells them that in working for the C.I.A they need to be ready for anything and the final test is to prove this.

The recruiter explains that each recruit will have to go into the interrogation room that their respected husband or wife is in and kill them with the gun provided. ...

My software developer candidate brought his pet to the interview

He produced perfectly valid Python.

So many Democratic Presidential candidates it's hard to know who to pick, but there's something about Mayor Pete...

I can really see myself getting behind him and going all-in

Eric Swalwell has become the first Democratic candidate to withdraw his bid for POTUS

I guess he passed the torch.

what is the difference between American and European joke candidates

American joke candidates actually get elected.

Actually the candidate with the most momentum is Biden.

It's just not forward

Youtube is introducing a new system of recommending youtube videos

The old system seemed to be biased towards videos of old presidential candidates playing beat and tempo games, so they finally decided to retire the al-gore-rhythm

Why is Leo Messi the perfect BJP candidate

Because he operates on the right wing and cuts through all the opponents who come in his way

I hate when political candidates put their signs up in my front yard..

Who the hell is Foreclosure?

Interviewer: any experience operating heavy machinery?

Candidate: does your mom count?

Three guys go into an interview at the local telephone company

Three guys go into an interview for a job at the local telephone company. They were all three great candidates and very well qualified. The boss brings them into the office and says "Okay, you three look the best on paper but I gotta know if you have what it takes for the day to day work. So, I'm go...

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is this 'Foreclosure’ guy? And what is he running for?

A republican politician dropped in on a farm and introduced himself as a Republican candidate

And as he tells it the farmer’s eyes lit up and then he said ‘Wait ’til I get my wife. We’ve never seen a Republican before.’ And a few minutes later he was back with his wife and they asked Prentiss if he wouldn’t give them a speech.


Well he looked around for a kind of a podium s...

A police officer candidate goes for an interview...

The officer says, "Take this pistol and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".

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The pope is just as picky about his music, as he is about his sexual candidates

The key to both is A minor.

What do you call the top candidates for fake chicken fingers?

Con-tenders.

Interviewer : Which batch?

Candidate : Corona batch.
Interviewer : Ok, stay home, stay safe.

With so many Americans upset with the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election, we should look on the bright side ...

... and please let me know what it is when you've found it.

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An important business man needs to find a new secretary and HR gives him three candidates from who he must chose

To do this he asks the three girls the same question, "if I gave 1.000.000 dollars to take to the bank and when you get there they tell you they only need 500.000, what would you do? "
The first girls says she would give the bank the rest of the money and tell them to store it. The second girl sa...

If we can get Al Franken to run for President, with the Green Party candidate as his running mate, my bumper sticker would be...

Franken Stein 2020

The head of human resources is interviewing a potential candidate for the open position of corporate attorney.

“Would you consider yourself an honest lawyer?” the HR person asks in the interview.



“Honest?” the lawyer responds. “Let me tell you how honest I am. My father sold everything he had to put me through law school. After my very first case, I paid him back in full.”



“That...

If Steve Jobs was still alive and a presidential candidate, he would have won the 2016 Election...

But let's not compare Apples to Oranges.

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I like this new Democratic candidate, Pete Buttigieg. Some people think he's not experienced enough...

But it's my vote, so I'll Buttigieg of that.

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

Did you hear? If the democratic candidate wins the white house...

the president will be taking a pay cut. It works out to be about 22%.

PSA: Don't let anyone tell you how to vote. You should vote for the candidate you believe will be most beneficial for the Country.

Whomever she happens to be.

Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

A billionaire, a clown, and a presidential candidate walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "How's it going, Donald?"

Why should we hire you?

At the end of the interview, the hiring manager asks, “So why should we hire you”?

Candidate - Oh! Cmon! You want me to answer that as well.

What do you call two clueless, old men.

Presidential Candidates

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Interviewer: What is your biggest weaknesses?

Candidate: Honesty.

Interviewer: I don't think that's a weakness.

Candidate: I don't give a fuck about what you think.

Did you hear about the presidential candidate who died in an accident while mountain climbing?

Yeah, his opponent won by a landslide!

It's the end of the 2016 presidential election and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted .

The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide the next president. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. The two candidates line up at the starting line. Trump goes first, clocking in at 14:26. Hillary Clinton goes next, running as fast as ...

You know why Superman would be the best candidate for a management position?

Supervision.

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A spy agency was doing interviews for candidates...

The interviewer says to the man, "You have one last task. Take this gun, and go through the door to your right and shoot your wife." Moments later the man comes back through the door and says he couldn't bring himself to do it. He then promptly leaves. The next man came in and was told to do the sam...

Interview for the position of security guard in India

Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English?

Candidate: Are the thieves from England?

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American Samurai

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a blind American. So he interviewed all three.

The emp...

There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.

Glass was becoming the clear winner.

New Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
...

She called me "Fevereiro"

I started dating this gorgeous Brazilian girl.

One night, right after having slept with her for the first time, she started to call me *Fevereiro*.

I felt that nickname had a really cool latin vibe, so I went along with it.



After a few weeks, I asked her, "By the way, h...

Two opposing candidates for county office...

... happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, really?" replied th...

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The incel party presidential candidate was doing quite well until he advocated for excecution of all men who have had sex.

Another election lost because of hanging chads.

I'm really worried what will happen if Donald Trump runs as a third party candidate.

I'm afraid there will be hell toupee.

An employer had just finished interviewing candidates for a job...

His secretary comes in to see the boss throwing out out half of the resumes he had received. She promptly asks, "Why are you throwing out those resumes?" To which the employer responds, "I don't want to hire unlucky people."

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

Why did the Mayor take so long to endorse a Presidential candidate?

Because he was running on CP time.

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A long time ago in China, man decided to marry a concubine.

But he insisted the new woman be a virgin. Someone suggested that after he found a suitable woman, on their wedding night he should show her his penis. If she didn't know what it was, that would mean she was truly virginal.

So on the wedding night his pulled out his penis and showed it to t...

There are over 1000 presidential candidates...

No seriously, there [are...](http://www.fec.gov/press/resources/2016presidential_form2nm.shtml)

Some of the names are awesome and jokes themselves

^Which ^is ^why ^I ^added ^this ^to ^r/jokes

Which presidential candidate does Tom Brady support?

Whichever can reduce inflation.

Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him?

A sick Bern.

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

How are third party candidates like soccer?

They're only really popular in America once every four years.

In addition to asking presidential candidates for birth certificates, they definitely need to start asking this.

In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how u...

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I think my girlfriend would be a great presidential candidate,

Because she's so awesome at bringing up shit from the past.

After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got an email stating,

" It was a pressure meeting you"

As an obese man, I think I would make a pretty good presidential candidate.

I too only run once every four years.

Don’t know much about history. Don’t know much biology. Don’t know much about a science book.

Donald Trump’s resume when he applied to be a presidential candidate.

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A UKIP candidate standing in local elections in Bristol has been revealed as a 40-year veteran of the porn industry.

Hardly surprising. The first thing I think when I hear, 'UKIP candidate' is always, 'enormous prick'.

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