UPJOKE
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Candid Jokes

A recruiter said to a candidate, "In this job, we need someone who is responsible"

The job applicant replies,

"I" am the one you want. In my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. XD

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Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo

The cardinal test.

To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes.

The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woma...

Trump kept talking about restoring "law and order."

I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.

How to Test Candidates

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements?"

Manager: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation:

If ...

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A man is sitting for a job interview when the question is asked by the interviewer,

“What is your biggest weakness?”


The job candidate thinks for a moment and answers “honesty. Honesty is my biggest weakeness.”


The potential employer replies “I don’t think honesty is a weakness!”


The man replies “I really don’t give a fuck what you think!”

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Starbucks created a new specialty drink to honor all the candidates running for Congress.

It’s called the Fullacrappacino

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

A Candid Evaluation of the British Navy

Once upon a time, in the 1800s, a bureaucrat of the British Empire was assigned the task of interviewing sailors to get a candid evaluation of the level of contentedness of sailors with their captain. As he was opening his folder, he asked the first sailor that he was interviewing, "Where are you fr...

Why did the presidential candidate have an affair during his campaign?

He wanted to appeal to swing voters.

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What happened after the candidate took Viagra?

He awaited the erection results.

What did the pessimistic and candid mine owner, say to his workers.

Wow! This really blew up. Thanks for the gold.

What’s the most attention grabbing way to advertise a political candidate?

Poll dancing

I hate when political candidates put their signs up in my front yard..

Who the hell is Foreclosure?

Interviewer: What drives you? Candidate: The bus mostly.

Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?

Candidate: Missing the bus!

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

What's NC Senate candidate Cal Cunningham's position on extra marital affairs?

Missionary.

The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so

They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.


They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.


They will get to meat of it all.

Actually the candidate with the most momentum is Biden.

It's just not forward

A police officer candidate goes for an interview...

The officer says, "Take this pistol and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".

Why is Leo Messi the perfect BJP candidate

Because he operates on the right wing and cuts through all the opponents who come in his way

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

My software developer candidate brought his pet to the interview

He produced perfectly valid Python.

what is the difference between American and European joke candidates

American joke candidates actually get elected.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is this 'Foreclosure’ guy? And what is he running for?

If all of the Democratic candidates this primary had military experience...

...then, in theory, we could have seen a race between G.I. Joe and Colonel Sanders.

Eric Swalwell has become the first Democratic candidate to withdraw his bid for POTUS

I guess he passed the torch.

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

Job interview

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap in your resume?

Candidate: I was in Yale.

Interviewer: Congratulations! You are hired.

Candidate: Thank you. I really need this Yob.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

Two opposing candidates for county office...

... happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, really?" replied th...

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A spy agency was doing interviews for candidates...

The interviewer says to the man, "You have one last task. Take this gun, and go through the door to your right and shoot your wife." Moments later the man comes back through the door and says he couldn't bring himself to do it. He then promptly leaves. The next man came in and was told to do the sam...

What do you call the top candidates for fake chicken fingers?

Con-tenders.

Did you hear? If the democratic candidate wins the white house...

the president will be taking a pay cut. It works out to be about 22%.

A man, Jones, had an accident resulting in both of his ears being ripped off.

Despite his handicap, he is able to start up his own company that is moderately successful and it is soon time to recruit a new employee. After a long selection process, he is left with 3 candidates to interview.

The first candidate walks in, and Jones ends the interview by asking him, "Do yo...

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Two young engineers failed their thermodynamics class

Since it's their last exam before graduation, they beg their professor for a second chance. The professor agrees and set a special oral examination for the following week.

When they get there the professor asks them to enter the classroom for the test one at a time. The first enters and the t...

After looking at the various candidates, I've decided we all need to vote for Thanos 2020

It'll be a "snap decision."

There are over 1000 presidential candidates...

No seriously, there [are...](http://www.fec.gov/press/resources/2016presidential_form2nm.shtml)

Some of the names are awesome and jokes themselves

^Which ^is ^why ^I ^added ^this ^to ^r/jokes

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Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?" Candidate: "Honesty."

Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Candidate: "I don't give a fuck what you think."

Donald Trump is a presidential candidate I can relate to

Both of us have fantasies with Trump's daughter

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

What was the slogan of the pro-reproduction candidate?

"Make America Mate Again!"

Which presidential candidate does Tom Brady support?

Whichever can reduce inflation.

How are third party candidates like soccer?

They're only really popular in America once every four years.

A republican politician dropped in on a farm and introduced himself as a Republican candidate

And as he tells it the farmer’s eyes lit up and then he said ‘Wait ’til I get my wife. We’ve never seen a Republican before.’ And a few minutes later he was back with his wife and they asked Prentiss if he wouldn’t give them a speech.


Well he looked around for a kind of a podium s...

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

A billionaire, a clown, and a presidential candidate walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "How's it going, Donald?"

So many Democratic Presidential candidates it's hard to know who to pick, but there's something about Mayor Pete...

I can really see myself getting behind him and going all-in

the CIA is hiring an assassin and they are down to the last three candidate of two men and one woman.

so the test operator goes to the first man, hands him a gun, and says this. "your wife is in that room, go in and shoot her". the first man drops the gun and says there is no way he is going to do that. so the test operator hands the gun to the second man and says the same thing. He goes and puts hi...

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The pope is just as picky about his music, as he is about his sexual candidates

The key to both is A minor.

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I like this new Democratic candidate, Pete Buttigieg. Some people think he's not experienced enough...

But it's my vote, so I'll Buttigieg of that.

There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.

Glass was becoming the clear winner.

An employer had just finished interviewing candidates for a job...

His secretary comes in to see the boss throwing out out half of the resumes he had received. She promptly asks, "Why are you throwing out those resumes?" To which the employer responds, "I don't want to hire unlucky people."

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I think my girlfriend would be a great presidential candidate,

Because she's so awesome at bringing up shit from the past.

If Steve Jobs was still alive and a presidential candidate, he would have won the 2016 Election...

But let's not compare Apples to Oranges.

The head of human resources is interviewing a potential candidate for the open position of corporate attorney.

“Would you consider yourself an honest lawyer?” the HR person asks in the interview.



“Honest?” the lawyer responds. “Let me tell you how honest I am. My father sold everything he had to put me through law school. After my very first case, I paid him back in full.”



“That...

Did you hear about the presidential candidate who died in an accident while mountain climbing?

Yeah, his opponent won by a landslide!

Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him?

A sick Bern.

The candidates keep appealing to "Hard Working Americans"...

But what about the Reddit community?

With so many Americans upset with the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election, we should look on the bright side ...

... and please let me know what it is when you've found it.

After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got an email stating,

" It was a pressure meeting you"

After extensive testing the C.I.A. has gotten down to it's final 3 candidates of this recruiting cycle, being 1 female and 2 males.

The recruiter tells them that in working for the C.I.A they need to be ready for anything and the final test is to prove this.

The recruiter explains that each recruit will have to go into the interrogation room that their respected husband or wife is in and kill them with the gun provided. ...

I'm really worried what will happen if Donald Trump runs as a third party candidate.

I'm afraid there will be hell toupee.

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An important business man needs to find a new secretary and HR gives him three candidates from who he must chose

To do this he asks the three girls the same question, "if I gave 1.000.000 dollars to take to the bank and when you get there they tell you they only need 500.000, what would you do? "
The first girls says she would give the bank the rest of the money and tell them to store it. The second girl sa...

Freddy from scooby doo was a candidate for mayor of L.A in the 90s

He ran on splitting up gangs.

Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

Why I didn't get the job...

I applied for an executive position at a major corporation. They called me in for an interview with the board of directors, and it went pretty well. The next day I got a call... it was the vice president on the line!

"Listen, sir", he told me, "you left me very impressed yesterday. But the...

As an obese man, I think I would make a pretty good presidential candidate.

I too only run once every four years.

The Presidential Election will never bring a satisfactory conclusion, there’s no flow it’s just one candidate that changes the subject constantly,while the other can’t perform for too long

we truly have Electile Dysfunction

What do you call two clueless, old men.

Presidential Candidates

If we can get Al Franken to run for President, with the Green Party candidate as his running mate, my bumper sticker would be...

Franken Stein 2020

Letter to God

Dear God,

Last week, you took my favorite boxer; Muhammed Ali.
Today, you took my favorite hockey player; Gordie Howe.
I just want to let you know that my favorite candidate is Donald Trump.

In addition to asking presidential candidates for birth certificates, they definitely need to start asking this.

In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how u...

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The incel party presidential candidate was doing quite well until he advocated for excecution of all men who have had sex.

Another election lost because of hanging chads.

The Engineer's Interview

An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced. To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them. He tell...

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer.

"Inside this room you will find your wife sit...

PSA: Don't let anyone tell you how to vote. You should vote for the candidate you believe will be most beneficial for the Country.

Whomever she happens to be.

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the G...

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to...

Some Russian anti-war jokes

1. "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.

2. "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics."

3. For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they t...

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A UKIP candidate standing in local elections in Bristol has been revealed as a 40-year veteran of the porn industry.

Hardly surprising. The first thing I think when I hear, 'UKIP candidate' is always, 'enormous prick'.

I came up with this in math class

This guy goes to interview for a job. He’s really nervous about it, because this job is a super big opportunity for him. He goes in, and the interviewer introduces herself, saying “Hi, my name is Karen”. They immediately start talking about the job, and the guy is answering all of Karen’s questions ...

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