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*Hits Blunt*

Blunt: Hey what the fuck man

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.

He was high on my list of priorities.

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked "how'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt trauma to the head." "Why would that have happened?''

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

How do you kill someone with a blunt?

blunt force trauma to the head

happy 420

Shoulder came out of my socket while locating for a lost blunt...

Call that a Dislocated joint

I was going to make a joke about blunt blades...

But I don't see the point.

Theres a reason it's called a blunt

you don't feel as sharp after it

"I hear you just got married again."

Jim: "Joe, I hear you just got married again."

Joe: "Yes, for the fourth time."

Jim: "What happened to your first three wives?"

Joe: "They all died, Jim."

Jim: "How did that happen?"

Joe: "My first wife ate poison mushrooms."

Jim: "How terrible! And your sec...

Knock knock

- Who's there?

- A blunt pencil

- A blunt pencil who?

- Leave it. There's no point.

I'm calling in sick tomorrow for blunt force trauma,

After taking too many hits.

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

A stoner comes to the doctors for some medical issues

The checkup is going well until the doctor notices an unrelated bruise on his leg. He asks the stoner and the guy elaborates.

“So my friend gave me a magic blunt,” the stoner says “my friend tells me that if I’m not careful then the blunt can cause problems and turn to stone. Well I ignored ...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

My wife rolled a blunt using my to-do list!

She is high on my list of priorities!



Credit to : The Chive

Burritos are like blunts

If you cant roll, get a bowl

The officer was blunt about what happens to marijuana smokers

He takes them to the joint.

A woman goes to a fortune teller

As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved their hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to their face and a gasp of horror escaped their mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller ...

Two boxers light up a blunt

After a couple hours, both of them are pretty damn high, they start telling each other stories. One of them says, "Oh man, the other day I went on the craziest date with my wife. I got home after practice and told her to get ready. A couple minutes later we head out into that beautiful forest next t...

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Three men are out drinking and getting ready to hunt

After knocking more than a few back they decide to go hunting individually to see who could bring back the best kill.

A long day of hunting finished, the first man returns to the camp with a passable buck, and the second man returns empty handed. The two men go to work gutting the deer and wa...

A medieval knight walks into a bar, holding a large blunt weapon...

..."Why the long mace?", asks the barman.

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A rabbit spots a fox rolling a blunt

The rabbit dashes to him and shout : " Don't smoke weed man, just go for a run with me!"

And so they went for a run.

After a running for a bit they spot a squirrel ready to snort up a big fat line of coke.

The rabbit again dashes to him and shouts : "Mate, don't do it! just go f...

I told my family that there should be plenty of bongs and blunts at my funeral.

It’ll be a true wake and bake.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

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What do you call a Heterosexual man who is very blunt?

Straight to the point.

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Mr. Koala is smoking a blunt

Mr. Lizard wanders up to his tree and shouts "Hey, Mr. Koala! What are you up to?" He replies "smoking a blunt, want to hit it?"
Mr. lizard climbs the tree and he and Mr. Koala smoke and bullshit for a while. Eventually Mr. Lizard says "I've got a real bad case of cottonmouth. I'm gonna go to ...

Police are searching for a robber who's stealing blunt pencils.

Quite frankly, they cant see the point

*Hits blunt*

Isn’t hail just rain in Braille?

Did you hear Mike Tyson got a concussion? [OC]

Doctors say it was blunt fourth trauma.

In before the comments: How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

Also, May the 4th be with you.

The plumber found a blunt in my faucet today.

No wonder my water bills are so high.

What did the German say when passed the blunt?

Danke.

I hate blunt knives

They just won’t cut it for me

So I used a blunt pencil yesterday...

It was pointless.

Why do you have to be blunt to fat people?

Because if you sugar coat it, they will eat that too

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Dave and his blunt

Dave is sitting at home one day smoking a blunt. He smokes half of it, when all of a sudden he gets a heart attack and dies. When Dave gets into Heaven, he asks God if he could turn him into an insect so he can finish his weed. God agrees and turns Dave into a spider. Dave the spider finds himself o...

My girlfriend likes it from behind while she's smoking a blunt.

Snoop Doggy style.

A guy accidentally burns his finger while smoking a blunt

now he has chronic pain

I've started blunting knives to help myself relax.

Really takes the edge off.

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

I don’t like blunt arrow heads.

They are pointless.

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I was head-butted by an animal in the Andes...

It was a blunt-force llama.

I just find that blunt pencils are so...

... pointless



I'll find my own way out

Why do people look to Snoop Dogg and Seth Rogen to teach them how to make good blunts and joints?

Because they're good roll models.

My girlfriend out-dad joked me today

Scene: I’m making coffee and using scissors to open a new bag of coffee:

Me: These scissors are blunt, we need new ones.

Her: Well they work fine on paper.

Me: *facepalm*



The student surpasses the master. I’m not even mad.

After smoking on a fat blunt with his neighbor, a man walks back to his apartment he shares with his girlfriend and realizes he forgets his key. Eyes red and clothes smelling like weed, he knocks on the door and his girlfriend answers...

She looks at him and with disgust says "high again?"

He looks at her intently and replies back saying "hello"

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Holmes and Watson examining a naked dead body..

“Do you see that reddish impression there around the neck there Watson?” asked Holmes, pointing to the markings.

“Yes Sir, I see it” replied Watson.

“What do you make of it?”

“I’d say strangulation, Sir”.

“My thinking also Watson”.

Holmes moved to the feet, “...

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A man wanted to kiss his date

Her mouth smelled like shit
He said your mouth smells like shit
She got upset and left.
The man’s friend advised him to not be blunt and ask her indirectly: “did you eat onions today, or have you been to the dentist”

On the following date her mouth smelled like shit and the man asked...

What do you call a bad weed trip?

Blunt trauma

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A lizard and a monkey smoke some weed

After a long day of surving in the African bush, Monkey and Lizard are chilling in a tree smoking a fat bush blunt. After a while Lizard tells monkey he needs a drink and goes down to the river. He bends down to take a sip and being stoned to his little lizard bones, he fell in the river and starte...

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A pot head sits on the balcony with some good shit

He starts rolling a blunt, lights it up and takes a deep puff. All of a sudden a huge fireball flies across the sky. He‘s like „woah, tough shit“. So he rolls another one. He lights it up, inhales and bam! Another huge fireball flies across the sky. „No way, that‘s insane“. He rolls a third one and ...

What do you called it when a Stoner, a Jedi and a Surgeon walk into a bar?

Blunt Force Trauma

Police found a man dead, hanging from the rafters, in an apparent suicide.

Inside the pocket of his trousers was a note explaining the reasoning behind his suicide. The note explained that he lead a straight edge life style and that he was suffering from PTSD for three months, ever since his friends forced him to smoke weed with them.

He was unable to handle the st...

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind.

Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.

The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How coul...

Three men at a class about etiquette...

...are asked how they would tell a woman on a first date that they need to use the bathroom.

The first one shrugs. "Easy. I just tell her: Sorry, but I gotta go to the toilet."
The teacher shakes his head disapprovingly. "No, no, way too blunt."

The second one goes: "Well, everyo...

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A guy is walking around an insane asylum with a huge brick wall on all four sides....

He here's chanting on the other side, "Twenty seven! Twenty seven! Twenty seven!"

Curious, he walks around the wall looking for a way to see in. Suddenly, he sees a perfect hole in the shape of a circle in the wall, about eight feet up. Wondering what the chanting is about, he searches until ...

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

I caught someone keying my mother-in-law's car. Just before he got away I managed to stop him.

I said, "Here, try mine, yours look a bit blunt."

So Two guys are sitting in a prison cell.

the small guy turns to the larger guy and asks
*"So what are you in for then?"*


*"armed bank Robbery, theft of a vehicle, and assault of an officer."*
the large guy replies, with a rather solemn look.
The smaller guy nods and says *"oh.. how long are ya in for?"*
...

The doctor takes a peek

Disclaimer: This is a re-tell of a joke as my late uncle used to tell it to me.

So there was a guy named Joe that had lost an eye. As it would happen, the only solution was to get a glass eye as to make him feel a little better. Every night he would carefully put it into a glass of solution ...

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

The World’s Greatest Gambler

A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney.

The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you com...

What did Mr. Marijuana say to Mrs. Marijuana when she asked if her dress makes her look fat?

"I'll be blunt..."

A rabbi is hiring an assistant...

Rabbi Hoffman is hiring an assistant, and he’s interviewing a young man named Uri for the job.

The rabbi read through Uri’s resume. He had extensive community service, excellent grades, and had never missed service.

“This all looks very good, young man. I’m going to need help cleaning...

Someone once told me to get off my high horse.

A blunt and lots of lube later, I was able to do just that.

The doctor said my sugar was way too high.

So I took the blunt away from my wife.

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A lizard is walking through the jungle ...

and sees this monkey in a tree smoking weed and says, "Hey monkey what are you doing up in that tree."

"Oh, I gotta smoke up this here weed. You should come up and help me." replied the monkey.

"Well, O.K. I'll be right up."

So the monkey and the lizard are smoking...

I'm getting tired of the 420 jokes

If I can be blunt about it.

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Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer

Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life. I've paid you good money for you to get me back what's rightly mine. What do you have for me?

Lawyer: Mickey I've reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don't have a good case against her. The main reason for th...

Wives seem to love this one

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman'...

What do you call a Jamaican murder weapon

A blunt object

I hate talking to Mary Jane

She's just too blunt

I need a pencil sharpener.

Just to put it bluntly.

Why did the pedestrian die after getting hit by a pot smoker?

Too much blunt force.

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So a man is waiting to visit someone in prison...

So a man is waiting to visit someone in prison, while in the waiting area he sees an smiling old lady with a scrapbook. So he goes to the lady and says "hello Ma'am, we're in a prison what are you smiling about?" So the lady replies. "You see I have 2 sons. When they were young I told them to pick a...

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A teenager is at his grandparents' house

He's staying for the weekend and it's pouring down rain outside. He's frustrated that he has to stay inside, so he sits at the window complaining. His grandfather comes up and sits next to him, resting an easy hand on his shoulder before speaking gently.

"Looks like it's raining a fair bit ou...

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I saw this gorgeous gal at the bar the other night.

After a while, I mustered up the courage to go talk to her. She humoured me for a while, until I bluntly asked "How would you like to have the best sex of your life tonight?"

Looking repulsed, she said to me, "No, I absolutely do NOT want that!"

I said, "That's great! I'm your man!"

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Billy really wanted to ask Suzy to the prom but he was so nervous he waited until the day before to ask her...

He walks up to Suzy in the hall and says "Suzy, I know it's the day before, but... Would you go to the prom with me?"
Suzy is surprised, and a little taken back, "I didn't think you were going to ask me. Yes, I would love to go with you!"
"Really?! Oh boy, ok!" And our hero Billy runs off to...

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Superman's day off

Superman has a very rare day off and decides to fly around to figure out how to spend it.

He flies over to Batman's place and approaches him. "Hey Batman, I have the day off want to hang out?". "Sorry Superman, I have to stop the Joker from killing my girlfriend". Superman replies, "Eh whatev...

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Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to p...

How did the stoner propose to his girlfriend?

He passed her a blunt with a ring around it and said:

Marriage, you wanna?

I killed some one with some weed.

One could say it was blunt force trauma.

My friend punches me whenever I refuse to smoke weed with him

He’s given me blunt force trauma

What did one stoner noodle say to the other?

Pasta blunt homie.

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At school, kids were given the task to tell a story with a moral lesson

The next day, the teacher asks:

'So, what's your story Timmy?'

'This one time when we were taking eggs on a cart to the neighbouring town, the cart's wheel broke and so did all the eggs.'

'And what's the moral of this story?'

'That you shouldn't put all your eggs in one b...

After waking up every morning, my roommate lights up a joint, and then throws it at me once he’s done.

I’m suffering from blunt force trauma l

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The coroner

So the cop asks the Coroner, "What's the story with that female we pulled out of the river yesterday?"

The Coroner says, "Cause of death was blunt force trauma and asphyxiation."

The cop asks, "How long was she in the river?"

The Coroner says, "About six days. Her clitoris was l...

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Little Tommy And The Party of Foul

Little Tommy's parents are throwing a meet-n-greet for their new neighbours, so they're preparing for their arrival. Problem is, they didn't plan ahead properly and are faced with less time than they thought they had before it starts; Tommy walks in on his parents in an argument, upon which he hears...

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Mr. and Mrs White are in the delivery room of the hospital

waiting for the arrival of their newborn son. As the child emerges from the birth canal, a puzzled look comes over the doctor's face, as the child has jet black eyes, a flatter nose, and a few strands of black hair. He notices that Mr. and Mrs. White both have blue eyes and blonde hair. "This chi...

So Little Timmy is Playing with His Legos...

...when all of a sudden his mother comes up to him. She tells him "Timmy, when your father comes home can you tell him to come to our room? Tell him it's very very important". Timmy agrees and continues to play with his legos. A couple of hours later the father comes home and Timmy runs to him and s...

What did the cheap cigar say to the bag of weed?

May I be blunt with you?

Did you hear about a guy who was beaten with a marijuana joint?

He suffered blunt force trauma

Cat is stuck in a tree...

One day a man goes on vacation leaving his brother to watch his cat. On the first day of his trip he calls home to ask his brother how his cat is doing.

Man: “How’s my cat doing, everything okay?

Brother: “Yep, all is well!”

The next day he calls again asking again how everythi...

Joe wenton vacation to Cuba and asked his best friend to care of his mom and his cat.

After a week in Cuba, Joe gets a call from his friend.

Joe: Hey what's up man, how's everything back home?

Friend: Your cat died.

Joe: What?! You can't just call me and tell me my cat died.

- You could have made a first call and say: "Your cat is stuck in a tree and won'...

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A man visits his friend's home and his wife answers the door...

...and invites him to come inside. She tells him that her husband is upstairs in the shower and will be down in a few minutes. They both sit down on the couch to wait. After a some light small talk and a bit of silence the man looks at his friend's wife. "You know" he starts, "your breast look amazi...

Koale who smokes weed

Long time ago there was a Koala. Sitting on top of his tree where he's always chilling. But today it's different. He is bored as f*ck. So out of boredom he rolled a blunt,

After smoking for like 5 minutes, a lizzard shows up passing by the tree. "Wait, I know that smell. Hey! Watcha doing?" h...

What does a gamer say to the stoner after he got his head hit by a rock?

You took blunt damage!!!

What's Snoop Dogg's favourite weapon?

A blunt weapon.

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