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*Hits Blunt*

Blunt: Hey what the fuck man

Theres a reason it's called a blunt

you don't feel as sharp after it

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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*hits blunt*

... Whew. Thank fuck it wasn't sharp or it would've left a mean cut.

I'm calling in sick tomorrow for blunt force trauma,

After taking too many hits.

Christopher Nolan always turns down the chance to smoke a blunt

He prefers a BONNGGG

The officer was blunt about what happens to marijuana smokers

He takes them to the joint.

My wife rolled a blunt using my to-do list!

She is high on my list of priorities!



Credit to : The Chive

Two boxers light up a blunt

After a couple hours, both of them are pretty damn high, they start telling each other stories. One of them says, "Oh man, the other day I went on the craziest date with my wife. I got home after practice and told her to get ready. A couple minutes later we head out into that beautiful forest next t...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

A medieval knight walks into a bar, holding a large blunt weapon...

..."Why the long mace?", asks the barman.

What do you call a bad weed trip?

Blunt trauma

*Hits blunt*

Isn’t hail just rain in Braille?

My friend wanted us to dress up as joints for Halloween.

I had to be blunt with him.

Burritos are like blunts

If you cant roll, get a bowl

I told my family that there should be plenty of bongs and blunts at my funeral.

It’ll be a true wake and bake.

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A lizard and a monkey smoke some weed

After a long day of surving in the African bush, Monkey and Lizard are chilling in a tree smoking a fat bush blunt. After a while Lizard tells monkey he needs a drink and goes down to the river. He bends down to take a sip and being stoned to his little lizard bones, he fell in the river and starte...

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What do you call a Heterosexual man who is very blunt?

Straight to the point.

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A rabbit spots a fox rolling a blunt

The rabbit dashes to him and shout : " Don't smoke weed man, just go for a run with me!"

And so they went for a run.

After a running for a bit they spot a squirrel ready to snort up a big fat line of coke.

The rabbit again dashes to him and shouts : "Mate, don't do it! just go f...

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A pot head sits on the balcony with some good shit

He starts rolling a blunt, lights it up and takes a deep puff. All of a sudden a huge fireball flies across the sky. He‘s like „woah, tough shit“. So he rolls another one. He lights it up, inhales and bam! Another huge fireball flies across the sky. „No way, that‘s insane“. He rolls a third one and ...

What did the German say when passed the blunt?

Danke.

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Mr. Koala is smoking a blunt

Mr. Lizard wanders up to his tree and shouts "Hey, Mr. Koala! What are you up to?" He replies "smoking a blunt, want to hit it?"
Mr. lizard climbs the tree and he and Mr. Koala smoke and bullshit for a while. Eventually Mr. Lizard says "I've got a real bad case of cottonmouth. I'm gonna go to ...

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A guy is walking around an insane asylum with a huge brick wall on all four sides....

He here's chanting on the other side, "Twenty seven! Twenty seven! Twenty seven!"

Curious, he walks around the wall looking for a way to see in. Suddenly, he sees a perfect hole in the shape of a circle in the wall, about eight feet up. Wondering what the chanting is about, he searches until ...

Police are searching for a robber who's stealing blunt pencils.

Quite frankly, they cant see the point

Police found a man dead, hanging from the rafters, in an apparent suicide.

Inside the pocket of his trousers was a note explaining the reasoning behind his suicide. The note explained that he lead a straight edge life style and that he was suffering from PTSD for three months, ever since his friends forced him to smoke weed with them.

He was unable to handle the st...

The plumber found a blunt in my faucet today.

No wonder my water bills are so high.

A guy accidentally burns his finger while smoking a blunt

now he has chronic pain

I hate blunt knives

They just won’t cut it for me

So I used a blunt pencil yesterday...

It was pointless.

I've started blunting knives to help myself relax.

Really takes the edge off.

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Dave and his blunt

Dave is sitting at home one day smoking a blunt. He smokes half of it, when all of a sudden he gets a heart attack and dies. When Dave gets into Heaven, he asks God if he could turn him into an insect so he can finish his weed. God agrees and turns Dave into a spider. Dave the spider finds himself o...

My girlfriend likes it from behind while she's smoking a blunt.

Snoop Doggy style.

I caught someone keying my mother-in-law's car. Just before he got away I managed to stop him.

I said, "Here, try mine, yours look a bit blunt."

What do you called it when a Stoner, a Jedi and a Surgeon walk into a bar?

Blunt Force Trauma

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

I don’t like blunt arrow heads.

They are pointless.

I just find that blunt pencils are so...

... pointless



I'll find my own way out

So Two guys are sitting in a prison cell.

the small guy turns to the larger guy and asks
*"So what are you in for then?"*


*"armed bank Robbery, theft of a vehicle, and assault of an officer."*
the large guy replies, with a rather solemn look.
The smaller guy nods and says *"oh.. how long are ya in for?"*
...

Why do you have to be blunt to fat people?

Because if you sugar coat it, they will eat that too

The doctor takes a peek

Disclaimer: This is a re-tell of a joke as my late uncle used to tell it to me.

So there was a guy named Joe that had lost an eye. As it would happen, the only solution was to get a glass eye as to make him feel a little better. Every night he would carefully put it into a glass of solution ...

Three men at a class about etiquette...

...are asked how they would tell a woman on a first date that they need to use the bathroom.

The first one shrugs. "Easy. I just tell her: Sorry, but I gotta go to the toilet."
The teacher shakes his head disapprovingly. "No, no, way too blunt."

The second one goes: "Well, everyo...

A rabbi is hiring an assistant...

Rabbi Hoffman is hiring an assistant, and he’s interviewing a young man named Uri for the job.

The rabbi read through Uri’s resume. He had extensive community service, excellent grades, and had never missed service.

“This all looks very good, young man. I’m going to need help cleaning...

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

What did Mr. Marijuana say to Mrs. Marijuana when she asked if her dress makes her look fat?

"I'll be blunt..."

Someone once told me to get off my high horse.

A blunt and lots of lube later, I was able to do just that.

After smoking on a fat blunt with his neighbor, a man walks back to his apartment he shares with his girlfriend and realizes he forgets his key. Eyes red and clothes smelling like weed, he knocks on the door and his girlfriend answers...

She looks at him and with disgust says "high again?"

He looks at her intently and replies back saying "hello"

A woman left on a work-cation, leaving her husband behind.

They were childless, but had a cat, whom they loved dearly.
The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was alright.

Her husband replied with a morbid tone, "The cat just died."

She burst into tears and reprimanded her husband, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't ...

The doctor said my sugar was way too high.

So I took the blunt away from my wife.

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

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A lizard is walking through the jungle ...

and sees this monkey in a tree smoking weed and says, "Hey monkey what are you doing up in that tree."

"Oh, I gotta smoke up this here weed. You should come up and help me." replied the monkey.

"Well, O.K. I'll be right up."

So the monkey and the lizard are smoking...

The World’s Greatest Gambler

A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney.

The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you com...

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Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer

Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life. I've paid you good money for you to get me back what's rightly mine. What do you have for me?

Lawyer: Mickey I've reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don't have a good case against her. The main reason for th...

Four brothers moved to America, planning to learn English through immersion.

The first brother decided to learn by listening to the radio. He started on a classical/opera station and learned to sing, "Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!” The second brother jumped right in by getting a job at a restarunt and learned to say, "Forks and knives! Forks and knives!" The third brother, following t...

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shakin...

I'm getting tired of the 420 jokes

If I can be blunt about it.

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So a man is waiting to visit someone in prison...

So a man is waiting to visit someone in prison, while in the waiting area he sees an smiling old lady with a scrapbook. So he goes to the lady and says "hello Ma'am, we're in a prison what are you smiling about?" So the lady replies. "You see I have 2 sons. When they were young I told them to pick a...

I need a pencil sharpener.

Just to put it bluntly.

My friend punches me whenever I refuse to smoke weed with him

He’s given me blunt force trauma

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I saw this gorgeous gal at the bar the other night.

After a while, I mustered up the courage to go talk to her. She humoured me for a while, until I bluntly asked "How would you like to have the best sex of your life tonight?"

Looking repulsed, she said to me, "No, I absolutely do NOT want that!"

I said, "That's great! I'm your man!"

I hate talking to Mary Jane

She's just too blunt

What do you call a Jamaican murder weapon

A blunt object

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A Russian, Jamaican, Mexican and American are on a raft...

A Russian, Jamaican, Mexican and American are stuck on a raft and the Russian decides to pull out a large bottle of vodka and drink it. Before finishing the bottle, the Russian tosses the Vodka overboard.

Confused, the American says,"Hey! Why did you throw away that Vodka? We could've died d...

How did the stoner propose to his girlfriend?

He passed her a blunt with a ring around it and said:

Marriage, you wanna?

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Little Tommy And The Party of Foul

Little Tommy's parents are throwing a meet-n-greet for their new neighbours, so they're preparing for their arrival. Problem is, they didn't plan ahead properly and are faced with less time than they thought they had before it starts; Tommy walks in on his parents in an argument, upon which he hears...

What did one stoner noodle say to the other?

Pasta blunt homie.

Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

What do you call a woman that's too straight forward?

Emily Blunt

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A teenager is at his grandparents' house

He's staying for the weekend and it's pouring down rain outside. He's frustrated that he has to stay inside, so he sits at the window complaining. His grandfather comes up and sits next to him, resting an easy hand on his shoulder before speaking gently.

"Looks like it's raining a fair bit ou...

Why did the pedestrian die after getting hit by a pot smoker?

Too much blunt force.

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Billy really wanted to ask Suzy to the prom but he was so nervous he waited until the day before to ask her...

He walks up to Suzy in the hall and says "Suzy, I know it's the day before, but... Would you go to the prom with me?"
Suzy is surprised, and a little taken back, "I didn't think you were going to ask me. Yes, I would love to go with you!"
"Really?! Oh boy, ok!" And our hero Billy runs off to...

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A son walks into the kitchen and sees his father drinking a beer.

The son naturally asks the father if he can have some. The father says, “I don’t know, are you a man yet son?”. Unsure, the son asks how he knows if he’s a man yet. The father responds, “you’re only a man when your penis is long enough to touch your ass”.

The son considers this for a moment, ...

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Mr. and Mrs White are in the delivery room of the hospital

waiting for the arrival of their newborn son. As the child emerges from the birth canal, a puzzled look comes over the doctor's face, as the child has jet black eyes, a flatter nose, and a few strands of black hair. He notices that Mr. and Mrs. White both have blue eyes and blonde hair. "This chi...

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Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to p...

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At school, kids were given the task to tell a story with a moral lesson

The next day, the teacher asks:

'So, what's your story Timmy?'

'This one time when we were taking eggs on a cart to the neighbouring town, the cart's wheel broke and so did all the eggs.'

'And what's the moral of this story?'

'That you shouldn't put all your eggs in one b...

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Superman's day off

Superman has a very rare day off and decides to fly around to figure out how to spend it.

He flies over to Batman's place and approaches him. "Hey Batman, I have the day off want to hang out?". "Sorry Superman, I have to stop the Joker from killing my girlfriend". Superman replies, "Eh whatev...

Joe wenton vacation to Cuba and asked his best friend to care of his mom and his cat.

After a week in Cuba, Joe gets a call from his friend.

Joe: Hey what's up man, how's everything back home?

Friend: Your cat died.

Joe: What?! You can't just call me and tell me my cat died.

- You could have made a first call and say: "Your cat is stuck in a tree and won'...

What did the cheap cigar say to the bag of weed?

May I be blunt with you?

What's Snoop Dogg's favourite weapon?

A blunt weapon.

Cat is stuck in a tree...

One day a man goes on vacation leaving his brother to watch his cat. On the first day of his trip he calls home to ask his brother how his cat is doing.

Man: “How’s my cat doing, everything okay?

Brother: “Yep, all is well!”

The next day he calls again asking again how everythi...

SO LITTLE TIMMY IS PLAYING WITH HIS LEGOS…

…when all of a sudden his mother comes up to him. She tells him “Timmy, when your father comes home can you tell him to come to our room? Tell him it’s very very important”. Timmy agrees and continues to play with his legos. A couple of hours later the father comes home and Timmy runs to him and say...

Did you hear about a guy who was beaten with a marijuana joint?

He suffered blunt force trauma

Two swedes were building a house. One of them threw half if the nails in the garbage.

The other swede wondered why he was doing that, and the first swede answered: "the point and the blunt side are switched on half of the nails so I cant hammer them in!" The other swede answered: "you idiot, they are for the other side of the house"


Btw this is a norwegian"svenskevits" whi...

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Robert

“Did you know there’s 1.5 gallons of blood in an average person” One of the girls at our lunch table looked at him in disgust, and looked away.

Robert was a weird ass kid. None of us were friends with him, and we didn’t pay any attention to him, so it was a surprise to see his greasy self sit...

A Man finds a Leprechaun at the end of a rainbow

Suprised the Leprechaun tries to hide


The man says "I found you, can I have my pot of gold?"


The Leprechaun unwillingly gives him the pot, "I don't usually give this away free, this stuff doesn't grow on trees you know..."


........


Just 1 year later the ma...

Koale who smokes weed

Long time ago there was a Koala. Sitting on top of his tree where he's always chilling. But today it's different. He is bored as f*ck. So out of boredom he rolled a blunt,

After smoking for like 5 minutes, a lizzard shows up passing by the tree. "Wait, I know that smell. Hey! Watcha doing?" h...

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A man visits his friend's home and his wife answers the door...

...and invites him to come inside. She tells him that her husband is upstairs in the shower and will be down in a few minutes. They both sit down on the couch to wait. After a some light small talk and a bit of silence the man looks at his friend's wife. "You know" he starts, "your breast look amazi...

I just found out my mom had an affair.

The worst part is I found out in the most blunt way possible. I was playing Call of Duty when I was informed by another player that he had carnal relations with my mother. The worst part is he sounded so young.

I'd Like to Make A Pun About Weed, But...

I don't want to be blunt about it

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Guy and a girl are having sex.

Afterwards he says, "thanks for cumming".

She thinks, "that's is a bit strange", but she brushes it off and falls asleep.

The next time after they have sex he says it again, "thank you for cumming".

Again, she thinks, "this guys a wierdo, but what the hell, the sex was good", an...

Wow, somebody actually died from smoking too much weed

His cause of death was "Blunt Force Trauma"

Two friends are talking in a bar...

Their names are Fred and Michael. They've known each other for a while, 15 years roughly. So they feel pretty comfortable with each other talking about more...sensitive topics. On this occasion, Fred decided to ask Michael about his son as it was something that had been nagging him for a while but h...

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Two jokes involving the same pot-smoking monkey

**Pot-Smoking Monkey Joke #1:**

So, there's this monkey smoking a joint in a tree in the jungle with his little lizard buddy. The lizard says, "Ooh wee! This is some good shit! My mouth is dry is a hell. Imma run down to the pond and get a drink."

The lizard climbs down the tree, scurr...

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