Do you know the difference between twelve-year-old scotch and baby formula?

No? Then you're sure as hell not babysitting for my kids!

Formula for water

Chemical formula for water

The teacher asked, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
A student raises his hand and answers, "HIJKLMNO!"
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on earth are you talking about?"
Student answers, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

A Brundle of Laughs - Formula 1 Joke

What did Guenther Steiner say to his boss after Kevin Magnusson ran wide at turn 3 and skidded onto an eggplant?

I’m afraid it’s Aubergine

Did you hear about that Formula 1 Driver that died in the hospital?

After seeing his family, he took a turn for the worst

What did the tired TI-84 say to the integration formula?

Meh, I’ll calc you later.

The formula for bleach is NaOH

Ha, I just lyed to you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How can you watch porn but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked

" The same way I watch Formula 1 whole weekend but still happily drive my 2010 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..

That satisfied her...

I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. ...

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

*Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.*

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....

If I love Formula 1 and hate NASCAR...

Does that make me a race-ist?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fat man goes to a unique Health Centre that advertises weight loss and sex.

Intrigued by the ad, he goes in and asks the receptionist what this is all about.
She replies 'Well sir, it's exactly as we said, we have several formula and you can lose weight and have sex'
'Oh my' he says 'Let me try the first option then'
'Fair enough, that will be the door on your l...

Formula one drivers stay healthy

Because they breakfast

The chemistry teacher babbles on, "Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium..."

One of the students stands up and says, "BORON!!!"

Hallmark movies have formulaic plots, two-dimensional characters, and half the bad guys want to sell some piece of land...

...it’s basically “Scooby-Doo!” for sentimental grown-ups.

Once a mathematics professor noticed that his kitchen sink at home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, sealed a few screws and everything worked perfectly.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is a third of my monthly salary!", he yelled.

Well, all the sam...

This happened many years ago when Blackberry phones were still popular

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep yo...

What is the best liquor for watching Formula 1?

Rrrrruuummmmm

What is the chemical formula for Holy Water?

H2OMG

What's the chemical formula of ice?

Answer: H2O³

I sang the quadratic formula to my gf

I found 'x'

The FIA will be introducing a new series of Grand Turismo races with zero emission fuel cell vehicles cleverly called Formula Zero,

or GTF0.

Yo, could you tell me the chemical formula for Nitric Oxide?

NO

Who was the Arab that derived the quadratic formula?

Al Gebra

A teacher asked a student what is the formula for water?

The student replied it’s H I J K L M N O
The teacher scolds the student
The student argues that he is right because the teacher had said it’s H to O

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

My ex-girlfriend said she liked Formula 1 but not NASCAR

I just can’t be in a relationship with someone who’s raceist

The problem with math jokes

Calculus jokes are derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are too formulaic but arithmetic jokes are just basic.

The outlier is the occasional statistics pun.

What's the formula for octopus circumference?

octopi*r2


Of course it should really be octopods*r2

What do you call a formula that can predict Al Gore's dance moves?

An Al Gore Rhythm algorithm.

Did you hear NASCAR and Formula One we're trying to make an Ultimate Showdown race but it got cancelled due to controversy?

Apparently NASCAR fans didn't want to mix the races....

What do babies and math problems have in common?

Until you use the right formula, they’re annoying as hell.

Chemical Plant Fire

One dark night outside a small town a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that my Head & Shoulders shampoo's proven HydraZinc formula fights dandruff from the first wash, removing visible flakes and residues, relieving dryness and tight scalp, and leaving my hair smelling great.

I also learned not to forget my phone when I take a shit

Chemistry teacher: “can you give me the formula for water?”

Student: “h-i-j-k-l-m-n-o-.” Chemistry teacher: “where did you get an idea like that?” Student: “you told us the other day it was h to o.”

I got beaten up by a Jewish guy at a Formula one circuit today

I only said that I was a part of the Mazda race

I wish there was a formula to make friends.

The squadratic formula.

What do you call an issue with the graph of a quadratic formula?

A parabolem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman.

A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STR...

I'm not a racist, I love all races equally

Nascar, Formula 1, Mario Kart......

I asked a guy if he knew what the chemical formula was for Sodium Bromate...

He said NaBrO3

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life.

...... He went to a local park to try it out on a statue of Gen. Ulysses Grant.

After application, Gen Grant began to move and soon was completely alive.

The scientist asked, "What's the first thing you'll do, General?"

The general answered while drawing his pistol "I'm going ...

Why can't there be some sort of mathematic formula for making friends?

A squadratic formula, if you will.

What is the best formula for leaving Auschwitz?

Lenght of chimney x wind speed

I hate math tests

I choke and forget formulas because im 2^2

I love my girlfriend!!

She’s like the square root of -100, a solid ten and doesn’t exist...


*cries in quadratic formula*

Back in the day 20 white men chasing a black guy was considered racist.

Now its called Formula 1.

There was an old scientist who invented an anti-Alzheimer’s vaccine.

Unfortunately, he forgot the formula.

A panicked mathematician rushes into his professors’s office...

The professor looks up in shock from his work to see one of his students slamming a high school geometry textbook on his desk.

“What’s wrong?!” exclaims the professor.

“They’ve updates the syllabus,” the mathematician replies.

The professor, still confused, watches the mathemat...

The Biology Exam.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Physics Student

Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an
examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for her answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed she should be given a perfect score and would, if the system we...

What do baby parabolas drink?

Quadratic formula

A property manager for an apartment complex dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter.

St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding."

So he chooses to check out hell first. He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can somebody please tell me how to calm someone down who's had too much to drink?

At first I asked him if he finished the bottle, and he only got more pissed

I asked him if another one would make him happy, and he just kept screaming.

I jingled his keys in front of him and told him he wasn't allowed to have them, and he practically ran out of oxygen from yelling....

How many mulas till a solution?

One mula...
Two mula...
Three mula...
Formula.

I made this up. No one ever laughs. It must be my delivery.

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven

He meets God there and asks him: "Dear God, you know me, I'm the author of worlds most famous equation. Would you show me the equation you used to create man?"

God takes a pencil and a piece of paper, scribbles something down and gives it to him.

Einstein is studying the formula for a ...

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Old Jewish Joke

Saul was struggling to take his last breaths when he asked his former business partner and ex-friend Seymour to come to his bedside.

“Seymour,” said Saul barely able to breathe. “I’m dying. But before I go, there’s some things I have to get off my chest.”

“Please Saul,” said Seymour. ...

A brilliant inventor creates a brand new type of leather.

This leather is such an amazing product, the inventor is convinced he's made his legacy. He starts a company that manufactures clothes made out of this new leather material, and it instantly becomes a massive success. Everybody went crazy for their products, and the company's leather jeans in parti...

A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"

"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk. "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."
<...

Helium excimers are no laughing matter...

Even if their formula is HeHe

A king is looking for a new chief advisor.

His choices are a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer.
His test is simple: Whoever can determine the volume of a red rubber ball will be the new chief advisor, provided his explanation makes sense to the king, and that the king can trust the calculation.

The physicist goes firs...

Two Chemists Were Talking

Chemist 1 : I'm afraid I forgot a couple polyatomic ion formulas

Chemist 2 : Which ones?

Chemist 1 : Hydroxide and Nitrate

Chemist 2 : OH NO3

Two scientists walk into a bar

The first scientist says "I'll have some H20."

&nbsp;

The second scientist says "I'll have a glass of water, too. But really? Why did you say H20? Like I get that it is the chemical formula for water and all, but it is the end of a really stressful day at work and there's real...

I made my wife upset on her birthday

She had been watching the Formula-1 and she asked me: "I want something that goes from 0 to 120 in less than three seconds." I gave her a scale.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fella working at a Sherwin-Williams store has a particularly challenging customer one day.

It's a Saturday morning, so the shop is pretty busy; there's quite the line of people needing paint mixed up. This lady's completely out of place; dressed to the nines, talk-to-the-manager haircut, the works. She hands our man Joe a tiny paint chip and says, "I need this exact color. It has to be pe...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red ball.

The mathematician measures its diameter, substitutes it into a formula for volume, and calculates the answer.

The physicist submerges the ball and measures the volume of displaced liquid.

The engineer looks it up in his Handbook on Red Balls.

I dont care if I seem racist

Drag racing just is not as impressive as formula 1.

I was in class one day..

I was in class one day and my my teacher asked me a question

Teacher: can you give me the chemical formula for nitrogen monoxide?

Me: NO

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