UPJOKE
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Congratu-fucking-lations to me! I'm a novice screenwriter and I just signed a contract with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'm going with their basic cable, plus HBO.

What did Dad say when he got a universal remote for Father's Day?

This changes everything!



Happy Father's Day!

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This is actually a true story told by a psychiatrist in Sri Lanka, which my father told me. I have changed some names to make it more universal...

Dr. Chandra the psychiatrist was talking to a patient in his ward who was convinced he was a Buddha. The man sat cross-legged on his bed in an apparent meditation posture when Dr. Chandra came to interview him.

Dr. Chandra: so you believe you are a Buddha?

Patient: that is so

D...

what’s a number that is universally loved?

8,008,135

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote.

I thought to myself, this changes everything!

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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

I have a joke about universal healthcare

but americans wont get it.

I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency

I mean it's just common cents

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What language is universal to strippers?

Pole-ish

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I bought a used universal remote at a flea market

The volume down button was broken but it only cost a nickel.... I couldn't turn it down.

After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.

I Am Grout

Three friends, Bob, John and joe are sitting at a bar

Bob takes a sip of his beer, sets it down and asks his buddies

“What do y’all think the fastest thing in the world is?”

Joe thinks for a minute, sips his beer and says

“I think light is the fastest thing in the world. I heard that it’s the universal speed limit or somethin…”
...

Music is the universal language

But one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

What did the Scottish lass say when she heard there would be universal free period products? Everyone! All together now!

“It’s about bloody time!”

Where do Mechanics go after work?

The universal joint

What do Universal Studios and Pinocchio have in common?

They both own a woodpecker

The Universal Miss award goes to

Steve Harvey.

This Thanksgiving, we are reminded of the one universal thing that we should all be thankful for

Those that sort by new

Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

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