Universal Jokes - 21 Hilarious Universal Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

Should we adopt a universal language?

A) Yes

B) Tidak

C) nuk e di

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I remember the first time I saw a universal remote

I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"

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I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency

I mean it's just common cents

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What is the absolute best universal safe word?

"Meatloaf"

It immediately says "I would do anything for love...but I won't do THAT!"

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I told a joke to Optimus Prime at Universal the other day, and I was arrested.

Apparently they frown upon
Vehicular man’s laughter.

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What did Dad say when he got a universal remote for Father's Day?

This changes everything!

Happy Father's Day!

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Music is the universal language

But one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

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The Universal Miss award goes to

Steve Harvey.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

what’s a number that is universally loved?

8,008,135

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a used universal remote at a flea market

The volume down button was broken but it only cost a nickel.... I couldn't turn it down.

Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

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What do Universal Studios and Pinocchio have in common?

They both own a woodpecker

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.

I Am Grout

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is actually a true story told by a psychiatrist in Sri Lanka, which my father told me. I have changed some names to make it more universal...

Dr. Chandra the psychiatrist was talking to a patient in his ward who was convinced he was a Buddha. The man sat cross-legged on his bed in an apparent meditation posture when Dr. Chandra came to interview him.

Dr. Chandra: so you believe you are a Buddha?

Patient: that is so

D...

Don't worry if you don't understand the term "universal predicament".

It's a common problem.

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My sister discovered a new universal language but she hasn't said a word

I should've cut off her hands as well

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I keep trying to tell Americans a joke about universal healthcare

But they just don’t get it

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What did the Scottish lass say when she heard there would be universal free period products? Everyone! All together now!

“It’s about bloody time!”

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