I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

I have a joke about universal healthcare

but americans wont get it.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What language is universal to strippers?

Pole-ish

I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency

I mean it's just common cents

After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.

I Am Grout

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I bought a used universal remote at a flea market

The volume down button was broken but it only cost a nickel.... I couldn't turn it down.

What did the Scottish lass say when she heard there would be universal free period products? Everyone! All together now!

β€œIt’s about bloody time!”

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control

I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"

What do Universal Studios and Pinocchio have in common?

They both own a woodpecker

Music is the universal language

But one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

This Thanksgiving, we are reminded of the one universal thing that we should all be thankful for

Those that sort by new

My sister discovered a new universal language but she hasn't said a word

I should've cut off her hands as well

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