My sister discovered a new universal language but she hasn't said a word

I should've cut off her hands as well

The first time I got a universal remote. I thought...

This changes everything

I'm excited visiting the Harry Potter world in universal studios until I saw a sign on one of the rides

You must be this tall to ride Hermione ....

Music is the universal language

But one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.

This Thanksgiving, we are reminded of the one universal thing that we should all be thankful for

Those that sort by new

Don't worry if you don't understand the term "universal predicament".

It's a common problem.

What is the universal fetish for scientists?

LaTeX...

I keep trying to tell Americans a joke about universal healthcare

But they just don’t get it

Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

The Universal Miss award goes to

Steve Harvey.

After 50 years of research, Einstein had finally created his universal theory about space

It was about time he did...

When standing on top of a staircase, it becomes a universal mode of transport.

Where it goes is up to you.

I bought a universal remote today.

I was disappointed to find out that it does not, in fact, control the universe. Not even remotely.

Victorinox, the makers of Swiss Army knives, recently branched out into the medical supply business after developing a universal tool fit for every hospital ICU.

Their marketing slogan: "For all intensive purposes."

Why was Theresa May crying at the end of her speech?

Because now she knows she’s gotta sign up to universal credits.

My doctor was telling me that my blood tests had a typo

So I guess it's pretty cool to be a universal donor.

Why is everyone in outer space a basic white girl?

Because the universal currency is Starbucks

I am objectively attractive

According to Newton's law of universal gravitation, mass attracts mass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was growing up, I went to school with a boy named Justin Reimer.

Now, Justin's father was a Supreme Court Justice, and like father like son, Justin was the head of every political club in our school. Graduation came, he was accepted into Harvard's School of Law (to no one's surprise), and that was the last I saw of him. Or so I thought...

Twenty years late...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar...

It’s a quiet evening. There’s no one else there. The three friends all grab a stool, order their usual drinks, and spend the evening chatting, as they’re wont to do.

All of a sudden, from the street outside, there comes a horrendous smashing sound. There’s been a terrible bus crash and pre...

What does ‘U’ in America stand for?

Universal healthcare

Maybe Space Force is part of Trump’s plan to find...

Universal healthcare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

7 Great Wonders of Communism:

1. Universal employment.
2. Despite universal employment, no one works at all.
3. Despite no one working, all economic plans were fulfilled to 100% minimum.
4. Despite plans being fulfilled above the 100% requisite, shops remained empty.
5. Despite shops being empty, everyone had everyth...

George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump were all leaving Washington D.C. and going the same direction, so they decided to take Air Force 1.

Unfortunately, due to a mechanical malfunction, Air Force 1 crashed, killing all aboard.

So Bush, Obama, and Trump approached the pearly gates, where God sat on his throne.

“Tell me, what do you believe in?” God asked Mr. Bush.

“I believe in education and free trade,” was the re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to talk to a congressman

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would ...

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job...

...but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Few more:

* I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

* I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

* My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Cab Driver’s Brother

A cab driver in Los Angeles was picking up a passenger from the airport.

Cab Driver: Where to?
Passenger: Universal Studios. Step on it.

The cab driver speeds past the other cars. He’s weaving through the traffic going well above the speed limit. The passenger is a little concerne...

Why did aliens vote for Bernie Sanders?

Universal Healthcare

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Immortal Bard

*This is not my joke, it is actually a short story written by Isaac Asimov, but it is written like a joke. One that I found quite humorous. Hope it belongs here.*

"Oh, yes," said Dr. Phineas Welch, "I can bring back the spirits of the illustrious dead."

He was a little drunk, or maybe ...

A man buys a monitor lizard for his PC.

Back home, he tries to connect it to the computer via HDMI.

The lizard bites him, so he calls the shop.

Tech support: "Monitor Lizards are not compactible with HDMI. You need to connect the lizard via UCP (Universal Cloacal Port). Also they love computer mice. You should buy a 20-pac...

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