My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says: “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies: “God and I are close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know,

I need to borrow some chairs.

It’s normal for married couples to fight.

The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

What is the difference between a normal blow up doll and an Arabian blow up doll?

Arabian ones blow themselves up.

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Did you hear about the kid who was born without eyelids? Amazingly, they were able to make a set of eyelids out of his foreskin when he was circumcised! He looks totally normal now...

Except he's just a little cockeyed

A normal Winter day in Australia

Son: Dad, I'm cold.

Dad: Go stand in a corner.

Son: Why?

Dad: Because it's 90 degrees there.

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What does a normal rooster say?

cock-a-doodle-doo!


what does a horny rooster say?


any-cock-will-do!

Just A Normal Knock Knock Joke. Plz Reply

Knock Knock

A man lived a normal life in a 15-story building with his wife and son

They lived on the 12th floor apartment C. One day he was late for work he kissed Mary and gave Mikey his lunch money. After he got out the elevator he’d realised he forgot his car key so called his wife and said

‘Throw down my key I’m late for work’

A man lived a normal life in a 15-st...

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

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During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.

That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.

Can we stop the conspiracy theories on Epstein's death? It was a normal suicide, because he had nothing to live for.

"This post is supported and paid for by the Clinton Foundation"

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

Why is it I can hear my wife's normal tone conversation in the other room...

and she can't even hear me yelling for another god damn beer?

What’s the difference between a normal thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

(NSFW) What's one sentence you can say at a normal party but not a Bar Mitzvah?

It's lit.

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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Is it normal if

One of my testicles hangs lower than the other two?

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

It’s normally a father’s greatest joy to see his son laughing and smiling.

It’s just that he does it while stabbing a doll with 9 inch carving knife.

what's the difference between Jeff Epstein's plane and a normal flight ?

on a normal flight you're only getting screwed by the airline

Being a member of the LGBTQ+ community is completely normal.

And I would never make a joke about such a straight thing.

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I tried to explain to my lil daughter that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But she's still making fun of me.

A priest and a normal man are going golfing

As they approach the middle of the game, the normal guy is frustrated and very angry with how badly he's doing. On the next hole, the guy misses and yells, "GODDAMNIT I MISSED!" and the priest gets offended.

He says, "woah, woah, woah. I understand that you're angry, but you shouldnt use gods...

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So I was on this plane right, and the pilot does his normal deal, well when he was done he didn't turn off the speaker, and he turns to his Co pilot and goes...

"ya know what I could go for, a good blowjob and a coffee", well the flight attendant goes running to the front of the plane, and as she ran by I said "Hey sweetheart you forgot the coffee!"

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Man’s wife is on life support and the only way to bring her back to normal is oral sex.

A man’s standing by his wife on life support as the doctor walks into the room.

“Sir, the only way you can get your wife back to normal is oral sex”

“Are you sure about that? That seems odd doesn’t it?”

“I’m afraid we looked at all the options and it’s the only way”

“For...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.

A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

My evening wouldn’t normally start out with an erection...

..but my morning wood.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

A normal day at the Apple store

Me: *Walks into an Apple store.*

Apple employee: Hi, what would you like today?

Me: I got $1000 to buy anything I want.

AE: Then our iPhone XS will be perfect! You can have the power of a computer right in your pocket. You can call, text, browse, play games, and so much more!...

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

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My circumcision gave me a chance at a normal life.

I was born with a disorder where my eyelids didn’t develop properly in the womb. When they performed my circumcision, they used the foreskin that they removed to give me proper eyelids. My surgery went well but I’m still a little cock-eyed.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

A man who was worried about his weight went to his doctor. The doctor said to eat normally for two days and then skip one.

When they next meet;

Doctor: Did my advice work?

Man: Yes, I lost twenty pounds!

The doctor was amazed. He asked the man how how he lost that much.

Man: Well, I was just about dead at the end.

Doctor: Because you were hungry?

Man: No, because of all the skip...

Judas: You still on for Friday?

Jesus: Friday?
Judas: Yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

Why do german cats live twice as long as normal cats?

Because when they die, they have nein lives left.

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink the bartender says
"Finally some normal fucking customers!"

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries”

Apparently “through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting.

When parents post pictures of their kids in the bath it's normal and cute

But when I save those pictures suddenly I'm a weirdo.

I am a server, and normally I do my job like I should. I handle workload like a charm, even though I rarely sleep.

So today I couldn't handle it anymore, and broke down. Today I crashed, and corrupted 57 GB worth of websites.

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What's the difference between normal schools and schools in Alabama?

Schools in Alabama teach the relative theory in sex education

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Bizarre Facts no One Knows

1. Most humans were born on their birthday
2. The distance from the Earth to the Sun is the same exact distance from the Sun to the Earth
3. A normal skeleton has enough bones to make an entire skeleton
4. If you took out all your veins and laid them out end to end, you would die.
5. The...

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A normal trip to the doctor.

Doctor: “Do you do any sports?”

Patient: “Does sex count?”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Patient: “Then no.”

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I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
Edit: Thanks for the karma, and damn Reddit is not shy about telling internet strangers they pooped in their pants.
Edit 2: Thank you kind stranger for giving me my first gold on a poop joke, I wouldn't have expected it any other...

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Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road

When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.

I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ...

Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer...

Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...

A man says to his doctor... (Barry Cryer's wife's favourite joke)

A man says to his doctor "I think my wife is going deaf, but I don't want to mention it as it'll be tactless and insensitive. Is there any way I can gauge it, preferably without her knowing?"

The doctor replies "There is, it's quite easy, choose a moment when she has her back to you, say som...

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An 80 year old man arrives at his doctors appointment

He sits down and the doctor proceeds to do his normal routine.

*Doctor:* So how are things going lately?

*Man:* Pretty good. I got married to a 20 year old last week.

The doctor is taken a little bit back by that statement, but continues being professional.

*Doctor:* That...

You know how birds fly in a V. Do you know why one side is normally longer than the other?

Generally, it is because there are more birds on that side.

A farmer was sitting on his porch late one evening.

He noticed his neighbor walking up his driveway carrying two of his chickens. His neighbor tells him that they were in his yard and they must have gotten out through a hole in the fence.

The neighbor tells the farmer that since it's so late that he will walk the fence line with him and help ...

A man goes to the Doctor for a prostate exam.

The Doctor puts on his rubber glove and the man bends down. The Doctor sticks his finger and proceeds with the checkup. After about a minute the Doctor says:

\- Don't worry, it's very normal to get an erection during this exam.

The man replies:

\- But I don't have an erection....

An Iditerod racer took a sled dog to the vet. "He's acting very strange," said the dog owner. "He encourages the other dogs to hump him. Other than that, he's perfectly normal and a great musher. Should I be worried?"

"Not at all," said the vet. "He just identifies as female. What you have here is a Trans Siberian Husky."

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

A child with an imaginary friend is normal

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,

And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.

I'm not racist,

I dont care if youre black, yellow or normal

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Superman is flying around metropolis one day, doing his normal surveillance.

He looks down and notices Wonder Woman, laying on the roof of her place, legs spread apart, completely naked.

The thought occurs to him; he's as fast as a speeding bullet, he could fly down there, do his thing, and get out before she suspected a thing.

Without a second thought he pull...

Help! I think I broke my phone's speaker! All I did was convert my normal rap playlist into an emo rap playlist.

Now all I can hear is a Lil Peep.

Bob was a fierce pirate captain...

Bob owned a 1 cannon ship and every day, he went out and fought with this boat. One day, he came across a different 1 cannon ship. He said "Mate, fetch me my red shirt." His mate returned with his red shirt. Bob put the shirt on, started firing, and won. He went sailing the next day and this day, he...

The Truck Driver and the Priest

In a small town outside of a big city, there was this truck driver who hated Lawyers. Now I mean like he really hated them lawyers. So whenever he was driving, he would intentionally swerve to hit them. Now, one day, he was driving his normal route, when he spots a priest on the side of the road. So...

Normally I’d never be one for a threesome.

But when my best friend asked to join him and this really hot girl, I had to. Because I’m a really good friend and all. So we go over to his place and get after it, and we had been going for a while and I was starting to get exhausted.


Then I asked “When is the girl showing up?”

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3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.

Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."

As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispe...

What’s the difference between a normal midlife crisis and an antivaxxed midlife crisis?

With the antivax a new car is only around $100 at Walmart.

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The interviewer asked him to follow one rule.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says,...

Normal People: "Alright, time to go to bed."

Insomniacs: "Let's yeet these sheets!"

I was getting really bored of my normal day to day life...

So I developed Parkinson’s to shake things up a bit

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How much penance is there for a blow job?

A man is in confessional when the priest says "Hey, I've got really bad diarrhea, could I get you to take over for a bit?" The man says "I don't know what penance to ask for sins.", to which the priest replies "I have a list..." and opens the divider to show the man the list on the wall. "You just l...

A guy walks into a coffee shop

He goes the counter and asks, “So what’s the special?”

The barista shakes her head, “I can’t tell you, it’s a secret.”

The man frowns. “What do you mean it’s a secret? What’s the special today? Is it a latte?”

The barista shakes her head.

“A mocha?”

She shakes her...

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

How do you make Holy Water?

You take normal water, and boil the hell out of it.

Why I Fired My Secretary

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she b...

I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

My town has a large epilepsy hospital

Today, I wanted to do something nice for the kids: they’re always so sad about not being able to do normal things. It was a $1200 investment for all of them total, but...

Who’s ready for laser tag!?

This will give 1 or 2% a chuckle...

Two milk cartons and a bottle of creamer were discussing an issue:

Whole: I think we’ve covered the Whole thing.

Skim: Really? We just Skimmed over it.

Creamer: I would normally side with Whole on this point, but I’m actually Half and Half.

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

I don't normally eat bread...

But today we had Indian food at work.

It was na'an negotiable.

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.

They're normally around 90 degrees.

Do any of you fellow Redditors post jokes while driving in traffic?

I normally don't, but I was just wonderkjtivnodoijhgh

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."

"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"

And turning to Jessica, she says:
"I've three things to say to you, young...

Eating on a train is way faster than eating normally

You only have to chew twice

I’m glad companies give us the choice of gluten-free body wash.

Normal soap makes my stomach hurt.

The other day I asked my doctor if my mole was normal

The mole told my doctor he was, so I'm not too worried about it

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Dont get an erection Henry

A doctor was doing a prostate exam to a patient

D: If you get an erection is completely normal Henry but try not to

P: but doc, my name is Matt and I am not gay

D: oh I know that, Im Henry and I am gay

I’m normally not one to brag about my financial skills

But my credit card company calls me almost everyday to inform me my balance is outstanding!

I used to have a girlfriend who, whenever she had a bad headache, would go into the cupboard, find my oats I'd normally eat for breakfast and then throw them in the garbage.

Apparently she couldn't cope with my grains.

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A man was out fishing in his tuxedo...

A curious onlooker stopped and asked him,"Excuse me.I was just wondering why your fishing in a tuxedo?"

The man replied,"I just got married."

"Well, congratulations" He said. "But shouldn't you be in that hotel room banging that new bride."

"Well, normally yeah, but she has AIDS...

I normally know a lot of money-related jokes...

But I can't think of any atm.

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"Dad, how did you meet mom?"

The child's dad, excited, explains how he was once a manager for a rodeo, where men usually were the only ones participating. Not like it was restricted from girls to enter, it was just something "normal" in the old days.

One day, many years ago, he saw a woman that would be the child's mothe...

What do you call a regular, normal potato?

A commentator

A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.

"All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, whats your talent?" asks the agent.

The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!"

"Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out."

"No, wait," says the man. "I...

Good jokes are like anti vax kids

They come in many shapes and sizes, normally created by people that have less-than-average intelligence, and most importantly never gets old

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, think...

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Back in the middle ages, there was a boy named Eddie, who was born as just a head.

His mother, concerned for his well-being, visited a witch in the woods near their house, seeking a remedy for the poor boy's affliction. The witch felt charitable, looking upon the poor body-less infant, and told Eddie's mother that not only would the boy be fine, she would also make him a body! How...

A man sees two blonde workers in a field digging holes.

One worker is digging the holes, and the other one is following close behind filling the holes in.

After watching this go on for a while, the observer decides to ask them that they are doing.

"Excuse me sir, but I have to ask. Why are you simply digging holes and filling them back in?...

What kind of pants does a ghost wear?

A pair a normal pants

My nephew's answer:Scaredy Pants

I'm sorry and I apologize normally mean the same thing

Except at a funeral.

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

Scooby Doo doesn't normally like rocks...

But he's a big fan of Velma's Rubies.

I saw a woman crying in the supermarket

So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit.
It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 ...

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My sex life is like Coca-Cola.

First it was normal.

Then it was light.

And now it's zero.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Buddy Hackett Joke

In a terrible accident a wealthy businessman had his penis torn off. Because of his immense wealth when it came time to repair the area he had the surgeon attach an elephant trunk in place of his penis. He was quite pleased with this and soon his life got back to normal.

The gentleman was at...

A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

Normal farmers get all the credit for being outstanding in their field...

...Meanwhile all the fish farmers are out there wading for recognition.

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Going to the toy store with your mother as a child is normal.

Going to the toy store with your mother as an adult is weird.

I don't get it though.

I'm an adult.

She's an adult.

The sign says 'Adult Toy Store'

Fucking double standards.

I don't normally tell dad jokes

but when I do he usually laughs.

A humped man(bad grammar sorry)

A humped man walk around cemetery. Suddenly,a ghost appear and ask a man."Do you have hump"? A man says:Yes I have."So give me that",says ghost a takes a man hump. Man straighten up himself,walk away happily.Another day he meet a friend without legs.He say:Hey I can normally walk,there is a ghost on...

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A woman and man share a bunk bed on a train.

There’s a train that goes every night from New York to Chicago. It’s an overnight train,where you get your own room to sleep in.It leaves New York at 1 in the morning and gets to Chicago at 10 in the morning. A man checks into his room, and suddenly the door opens and a woman checks in. Normally, th...

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