A man lived a normal life in a 15-story building with his wife and son

They lived on the 12th floor apartment C. One day he was late for work he kissed Mary and gave Mikey his lunch money. After he got out the elevator he’d realised he forgot his car key so called his wife and said

‘Throw down my key I’m late for work’

A man lived a normal life in a 15-st...

A normal Winter day in Australia

Son: Dad, I'm cold.

Dad: Go stand in a corner.

Son: Why?

Dad: Because it's 90 degrees there.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

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During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.

That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.

Can we stop the conspiracy theories on Epstein's death? It was a normal suicide, because he had nothing to live for.

"This post is supported and paid for by the Clinton Foundation"

Why is it I can hear my wife's normal tone conversation in the other room...

and she can't even hear me yelling for another god damn beer?

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Is it normal if

One of my testicles hangs lower than the other two?

what's the difference between Jeff Epstein's plane and a normal flight ?

on a normal flight you're only getting screwed by the airline

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I tried to explain to my lil daughter that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But she's still making fun of me.

Being a member of the LGBTQ+ community is completely normal.

And I would never make a joke about such a straight thing.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

(NSFW) What's one sentence you can say at a normal party but not a Bar Mitzvah?

It's lit.

What’s the difference between a normal thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

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So I was on this plane right, and the pilot does his normal deal, well when he was done he didn't turn off the speaker, and he turns to his Co pilot and goes...

"ya know what I could go for, a good blowjob and a coffee", well the flight attendant goes running to the front of the plane, and as she ran by I said "Hey sweetheart you forgot the coffee!"

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I once knew someone with narcolepsy, it’s the craziest shit. One moment we’d be having a conversation and everything is normal,

The next thing I know, I’m having sex.

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Man’s wife is on life support and the only way to bring her back to normal is oral sex.

A man’s standing by his wife on life support as the doctor walks into the room.

“Sir, the only way you can get your wife back to normal is oral sex”

“Are you sure about that? That seems odd doesn’t it?”

“I’m afraid we looked at all the options and it’s the only way”

“For...

A normal day at the Apple store

Me: *Walks into an Apple store.*

Apple employee: Hi, what would you like today?

Me: I got $1000 to buy anything I want.

AE: Then our iPhone XS will be perfect! You can have the power of a computer right in your pocket. You can call, text, browse, play games, and so much more!...

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My circumcision gave me a chance at a normal life.

I was born with a disorder where my eyelids didn’t develop properly in the womb. When they performed my circumcision, they used the foreskin that they removed to give me proper eyelids. My surgery went well but I’m still a little cock-eyed.

Why do german cats live twice as long as normal cats?

Because when they die, they have nein lives left.

When parents post pictures of their kids in the bath it's normal and cute

But when I save those pictures suddenly I'm a weirdo.

How do you turn a normal sofa into a sofa bed?

Forget your girlfriend's birthday

A priest and a normal man are going golfing

As they approach the middle of the game, the normal guy is frustrated and very angry with how badly he's doing. On the next hole, the guy misses and yells, "GODDAMNIT I MISSED!" and the priest gets offended.

He says, "woah, woah, woah. I understand that you're angry, but you shouldnt use gods...

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What's the difference between normal schools and schools in Alabama?

Schools in Alabama teach the relative theory in sex education

An Iditerod racer took a sled dog to the vet. "He's acting very strange," said the dog owner. "He encourages the other dogs to hump him. Other than that, he's perfectly normal and a great musher. Should I be worried?"

"Not at all," said the vet. "He just identifies as female. What you have here is a Trans Siberian Husky."

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A normal trip to the doctor.

Doctor: “Do you do any sports?”

Patient: “Does sex count?”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Patient: “Then no.”

Doctor : Relax, its perfectly normal to get an erection during a prostate exam.

Patient : Ummm..... But doc, i dont have an erection.

Doctor : I do.

Help! I think I broke my phone's speaker! All I did was convert my normal rap playlist into an emo rap playlist.

Now all I can hear is a Lil Peep.

Normal People: "Alright, time to go to bed."

Insomniacs: "Let's yeet these sheets!"

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Superman is flying around metropolis one day, doing his normal surveillance.

He looks down and notices Wonder Woman, laying on the roof of her place, legs spread apart, completely naked.

The thought occurs to him; he's as fast as a speeding bullet, he could fly down there, do his thing, and get out before she suspected a thing.

Without a second thought he pull...

Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer...

Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...

I was getting really bored of my normal day to day life...

So I developed Parkinson’s to shake things up a bit

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I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
Edit: Thanks for the karma, and damn Reddit is not shy about telling internet strangers they pooped in their pants.
Edit 2: Thank you kind stranger for giving me my first gold on a poop joke, I wouldn't have expected it any other...

A child with an imaginary friend is normal

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,

And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.

The other day I asked my doctor if my mole was normal

The mole told my doctor he was, so I'm not too worried about it

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."

"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"

And turning to Jessica, she says:
"I've three things to say to you, young...

What do you call a regular, normal potato?

A commentator

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

A man in a business suit walks into a bar during normal working hours

He yells "Barkeep! I'll have a shot and a beer"

Bartender pours his drinks and slides them over to the man.

The man pounds the shot and takes a sip of his beer. He smiles at the barkeeper and says, "That's certainly refreshing after the day I've had"

The Bartender replies, "I wa...

I got a massage last week...

and it was the first time I had a guy masseuse. So we're like 10 minutes in I just had to ask, is getting an erection normal? He said yes they are very common. And I was like, well can you get it out of my face...?

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Going to the toy store with your mother as a child is normal.

Going to the toy store with your mother as an adult is weird.

I don't get it though.

I'm an adult.

She's an adult.

The sign says 'Adult Toy Store'

Fucking double standards.

I was getting a prostate exam and the doctor said "don't worry, it's perfectly normal to get an erection"

I just wish he'd put his pants back on

Life without love is completely normal.

But love without life is necrophilia.

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I told my son it's perfectly normal to masturbate in middle of the day

I just wish the little bastard would knock before entering my room.

Two developers are working on a simulation when it suddenly goes haywire before returning to normal

Dev 1: Did you see that? I think the simulation just broke for a second.

Dev 2: I think it's more accurate to say it glitched.

Dev 1: Dude, I'm not about to argue over sim antics.

I asked my gym teacher if it was normal to get an erection in the shower, and he said it was.

So then I asked him to at least stop rubbing it on my back.

-Can I have a Kit Kat Chunky? -Sorry, we only have normal Kit Kat.

-That's what I asked for, fat f*ck!

"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..."

Me explaining underwear to aliens.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

A Navy recruit has his first day in the submarine.

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Teacher asks the class, "What part of your body can grow as much as six times its normal size?"

No one answers, so she asks Tiffany in the front row if she knows the answer. Tiffany blushes, giggles, and covers her face with her hands.

Heather in the desk behind raises her hand and says, "The pupil, miss. The pupil may grow as much as six times its normal size."

"Correct" says...

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I asked the priest whether it was normal to masturbate during a marriage.

“No," He said, "I just find your bride very attractive.”

My wife told me her period was lasting several days longer than normal. I said,

Sounds more like an ellipsis...

Tip: Call your baby a normal name

Me: Are you still mad your parents called you tip?

Life Hack: give your next kid a normal name

Me: are you still mad your mom and I named you Life Hack?

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3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.

Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."

As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispe...

Kevin Spacey is undergoing conversion therapy and hope to eventually have a normal marriage.

He says, "I want to have kids."

TIFU by getting on the normal bus instead of the dyslexic one

Whoops, wrong bus.

Getting a bit worried, is this normal?

One of my nipples is a different colour than the other two

What's the difference between a normal cat and a man from West Africa?

One has nine lives and the other has nine wives

How do you make Holy water from normal water?

Boil the hell out of it.

What happens when two normal people get together?

Pair-a-normal activity

Is your normal probability plot approximately linear?

Cause you can distribute your sample over me

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At the amusement park's Haunted House, the toilets are three inches taller than normal.

They like to keep visitors on their toes.

I made love to my wife last night but instead of using a normal condom, I used a frog skin…

I thought I'd rib it for her pleasure.

If a normal person's mouth waters at a steak?

Does a vegan's mouth water when someone is mowing the grass?

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If sex between two people is a normal twosome, and sex between 3 people is a threesome...

Now I know why everyone calls you handsome

Why is Greek Easter always a Week after Normal Easter?

Because the Easter eggs are always on special

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A man goes to the Council to apply for a job

The interviewer asks him, ''Are you allergic to anything?''


He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.''


''OK, have you ever been in the military
service?''


he says, ''l was in Iraq for one tour.''
The interviewer says, ''That will give you 5
ex...

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It's amazing, when a dog licks its own arse it's perfectly normal. But when I do it...

I get arrested for bestiality.

A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

What is the difference between a normal and an irradiated cat?

Irradiated cats have 18 half-lives

What's the difference between a normal intern and a tech intern?

One gets people coffee, and the other sends Java programs

Why doesn't Kylo Ren's lightsaber look like a normal lightsaber?

Because it's a First Order approximation.

The pastor is speaking during a normal church session.

One person is sleeping amidst the church crowd. The pastor says "Whoever would like a place in heaven, please stand." Everyone except the sleeping person stands. "Whoever would like a place in hell, please stand." The sleeping guy wakes up, only hearing the 'please stand'. He then stands up and says...

Isn't asking a doctor for a second opinion normal?

I can't understand why my doctor got upset after my prostate exam when I asked him to try again with a second finger.

I was told that tipping your server is normal in America

I was told that tipping your server is normal in America

But apparently this will get you fired as a systems administrator.

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A woman and man share a bunk bed on a train.

There’s a train that goes every night from New York to Chicago. It’s an overnight train,where you get your own room to sleep in.It leaves New York at 1 in the morning and gets to Chicago at 10 in the morning. A man checks into his room, and suddenly the door opens and a woman checks in. Normally, th...

What do you call a person with normal abs in a universe full of fat people

Abnormal

What's the difference between a normal woman and a witch?

The spelling

Teehee

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What's the difference between a normal pirate and a sexy pirate?

The type of booty they plunder.

In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city f...

Jesus and Moses decide to go fishing

Both sitting in a little boat, in the middle of the most beautiful lake in heaven, they start reminiscing about their days on earth. “Back on earth, I once stood on the shore, raised my arms and the sea opened up so I could walk across”
“You think you can still do that?” Asked Jesus.
Moses tho...

Read in "Playboy", told by CC, herself, on "the Tonight Show"

Cindy Crawford and a crewman survive her yacht sinking and make their way to a deserted island. There's fresh water and plenty of fruit to eat, so they settle in to wait for rescue. A few weeks go by and Cindy's feeling a "need". She asks the crewman for help and he's happy to oblige.

This...

A man rushes his wife to hospital

As she finally lies down on a bed, she starts yelling "Don't! Shouldn't! Can't! Isn't!"

The man asks the doctor, "What's going on? She's speaking incoherently! Is this normal?"

The doctor nods unconcernedly. "Oh yes, it's perfectly normal," he says, "she's just having contractions."

There was a guy named Juan

Juan was a normal person working at a restaurant serving people. One day someone asked for Juan to go for governor.

Juan had nothing going on in his life so he went for it. Juan ran for governor and got the job. But the same guy came in and asked for Juan to go be president.

So Juan ra...

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