UPJOKE
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Normal Jokes

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I think we should stop turning normal names like "Karen" into slurs

It's a real Dick move.

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, “Is this normal?”

He said, “Not during a written exam, no.”

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health..

Still got thrown off the bus.

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries?”

"Through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

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I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
Edit: Thanks for the karma, and damn Reddit is not shy about telling internet strangers they pooped in their pants.
Edit 2: Thank you kind stranger for giving me my first gold on a poop joke, I wouldn't have expected it any other...

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I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal…

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes...

My dad said everything would be back to normal by June

So I told him yesterday "Julyed"

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During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.

That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.

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I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he is not buying it, in fact he is still making fun of me.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

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A single sperm contains 37.5mb of DNA information which means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 tb

That's a lot of information to swallow

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

Everyone seems normal

until you get to know them.

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Is it normal if one of my testicles

Hangs lower than the other two?

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."

"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"

And turning to Jessica, she says:
"I've three things to say to you, young...

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What does a normal rooster say?

cock-a-doodle-doo!


what does a horny rooster say?


any-cock-will-do!

what's the difference between Jeff Epstein's plane and a normal flight ?

on a normal flight you're only getting screwed by the airline

Me: Is it normal talking to myself?

Me: Yes it is.
Me: Oh, thank God.

I'm sorry and I apologize normally mean the same thing

Except at a funeral.

How do you know Jefferey Dahmer was a pretty normal guy?

He was having a friend for dinner when he was arrested.

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

A child with an imaginary friend is normal

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,

And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.

What pet food does Lightning McQueen normally buy?

Cat Chow

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God doesn't normally poop, but when he does.....

Holy shit.

Patient...Dr can you please help me I keep waking up thinking I'm Tom Jones. Is this normal ???

Dr ... It's not unusual

How do you turn normal water into holy water?

You burn the hell out of it

Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.

But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.

I dont normally give reach-arounds

But when in Jerome..

What's the Difference Between Redditors and Normal People?

Normal people have friends that tell them jokes.

John was attending his buddy’s wedding and everything was normal…

The ceremony was at a beautiful church in the countryside, the officiant gave an insightful speech on the meaning of marriage, and the bride and groom were beaming throughout the whole thing. John couldn’t have been happier for his friend.

After exchanging vows, the bride and groom announced ...

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What's the difference between normal sex and anal sex?

Normal sex can make your day, anal sex can make your hole weak.

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A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

Fact: No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice.

No they don't, oh no they don't...

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I told my son that masturbation is perfectly normal and heathy and nothing to be embarrassed about.

"OK, Dad," he said, "but could you do it somewhere else please?"

It’s normal for married couples to fight.

The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

Normally the wife picks up our four kids at school, but today she sent me a text, "Working late. Please pick up kids <3"

It was really hard deciding which two to leave behind.

Can’t a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?

Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.

Normal wolves: Awooo!

Anime wolves: Uwuuu!

Normal people have ancestors

But people from Alabama have incestors

Why are Hurricanes normally named after females?

Because they arrive wet and wild then leave with your house and car.

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It's amazing, when a dog licks its own anus it's perfectly normal. But when I do it...

I get arrested for bestiality.

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Dog grooming is normal...

... but a groom dogging is a scandal.

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Living in the northeast, I don’t normally get mad about snow.

But this snitch ass weatherman just let my wife know what six inches actually looks like.

People are normally Shocked

When they find out I'm not a good electrician.

Normal back: hurts, backstreet back:

Alright

How can you tell the US is getting back to normal after Covid19?

There's been two mass shootings in the past week

Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he...

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4 out of 5 physicians say that having an active sex life is normal.

So yes, we’re all very special.

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I don’t normally jerk off, but...

Sometimes it cums in handy

I normally don‘t like roleplaying...

Just wanted to be frank with you.

My psychiatrist said I wasn't completely normal...

But I asked some plants at home and they said it's not that bad

I don’t normally brag about expensive places I’ve been

But I’ve just left the gas station.

My evening wouldn’t normally start out with an erection...

..but my morning wood.

My wife told me to stop quoting Backstreet Boys in normal conversations

"Tell me why", I replied

A man lived a normal life in a 15-story building with his wife and son

They lived on the 12th floor apartment C. One day he was late for work he kissed Mary and gave Mikey his lunch money. After he got out the elevator he’d realised he forgot his car key so called his wife and said

‘Throw down my key I’m late for work’

A man lived a normal life in a 15-st...

Li was an elf, but instead of the normal greenish tint to her skin, she had a bit of blue to her...

"My mother is an elvish queen..." she was fond of bragging, but her mother's husband the elf lord was a green-hued elf himself, and it was often whispered that Li was a product of a youthful dalliance of her mother's. How else to explain her unusual skin tone?

One evening, while in the palace...

During my prostate exam the doctor put his hands on my shoulders and said "Dave, it's normal to get a hard-on while doing this."

"My name is not Dave," I replied.

"Yes, I know," said the doctor, "I am Dave."

It's fairly normal if you talk to your dolls and toys.

It's totally not if they talk back.

Tip: Call your baby a normal name

Me: Are you still mad your parents called you tip?

A priest and a normal man are going golfing

As they approach the middle of the game, the normal guy is frustrated and very angry with how badly he's doing. On the next hole, the guy misses and yells, "GODDAMNIT I MISSED!" and the priest gets offended.

He says, "woah, woah, woah. I understand that you're angry, but you shouldnt use gods...

What normal bird has the strength to lift a steel beam?

A crane.

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Life Hack: Give your child a normal name.

Me: I'm guessing you're still pissed that we called you Life Hack...

What's the difference between normal snow and German snow?

Normal snow falls

and German snow captures the land.

I'm quite a normal person, I'm very good friends with twenty five letters of the alphabet..

I don't know why...

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My sex-life is like Coca Cola....

...first it was normal, then it was light and now it's zero!

The Queen comes home from a fancy dinner slightly earlier than normal.

She walks in to Buckingham Palace and goes to find her Butler, Parker. She finds him and says "Parker, take off my jacket." And Parker takes off her jacket for her. "Parker, take off my petticoat." And Parker takes off her petticoat. "Parker, take off my dress." And Parker looks surprised but takes ...

It funny the things that seem normal when you're a kid.

There was always this kid at the park, covered in dry leaves. We used to call him Russell.

Life without love is completely normal.

But love without life is necrophilia.

It's normal to talk to pets, mirrors and walls.

It's normal to talk to pets, mirrors and walls during the quarantine. Just inform your psychiatrist if they talk back.

A normal day at the Apple store

Me: *Walks into an Apple store.*

Apple employee: Hi, what would you like today?

Me: I got $1000 to buy anything I want.

AE: Then our iPhone XS will be perfect! You can have the power of a computer right in your pocket. You can call, text, browse, play games, and so much more!...

I’m normally not one to brag about my financial skills

But my credit card company calls me almost everyday to inform me my balance is outstanding!

The shop I normally go to to blow up my balloons has increased their price by 50%

That's inflation for you.

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Superman is flying around metropolis one day, doing his normal surveillance.

He looks down and notices Wonder Woman, laying on the roof of her place, legs spread apart, completely naked.

The thought occurs to him; he's as fast as a speeding bullet, he could fly down there, do his thing, and get out before she suspected a thing.

Without a second thought he pull...

What do you call a regular, normal potato?

A commentator

I don't normally eat bread...

But today we had Indian food at work.

It was na'an negotiable.

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What's the difference between normal schools and schools in Alabama?

Schools in Alabama teach the relative theory in sex education

"What part of the human body expands ten times normal size during periods of intense excitement?"

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, ...

-Can I have a Kit Kat Chunky? -Sorry, we only have normal Kit Kat.

-That's what I asked for, fat f*ck!

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

Whats the difference between a rectal thermometer and a normal one?

The taste.

My doctor said it's normal to get an erection during a prostate exam

But I would still prefer it if he didn't whip it out in the middle of our appointment.

Normally I’d never be one for a threesome.

But when my best friend asked to join him and this really hot girl, I had to. Because I’m a really good friend and all. So we go over to his place and get after it, and we had been going for a while and I was starting to get exhausted.


Then I asked “When is the girl showing up?”

Normally I really like movies about child psychology but

Honey, I shrunk the kids was nothing like I expected

I don't normally go out, but Open Mike Night sounded fun.

Then we got to the morgue.

Two developers are working on a simulation when it suddenly goes haywire before returning to normal

Dev 1: Did you see that? I think the simulation just broke for a second.

Dev 2: I think it's more accurate to say it glitched.

Dev 1: Dude, I'm not about to argue over sim antics.

If you say "I'm a big fan of John Wayne," it's normal...

But add the word Gacy and suddenly you're a weirdo.

Just got and took 4 grams of shrooms for half the normal price.

I am literally beside myself

What do you get if you enlarge a centipede to 100x its normal size?

A dollarpede.

Why do german cats live twice as long as normal cats?

Because when they die, they have nein lives left.

Being a member of the LGBTQ+ community is completely normal.

And I would never make a joke about such a straight thing.

Scooby Doo doesn't normally like rocks...

But he's a big fan of Velma's Rubies.

Eating on a train is way faster than eating normally

You only have to chew twice

Normal people use their children’s names to set their email passwords.

Elon Musk uses his email password to name his baby.

What's the difference between a normal woman and a witch?

The spelling

Teehee

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