UPJOKE

### I came across this equation on my chemistry test - C2H6O...

Looks like I'm dealing with an alcohol problem.

B=D

### I just invented a mathematical equation to solve climate change!

It’s an Al Gore ithm.

### I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

### My kiddo thought the equation for water was HIJKLMNO

They swore their teacher told them it was H to O

### There’s an equation to describe the magnetic field generated by a constant current

But everyone says it’s BS

### What do the Royal Family and Probability math equations have in common?

They are not important and nobody cares about them.

### Why is X = 2K + 1 called the teenager equation?

because it can't even.

### What do you call a person who uses algebraic equations to calculate coffin sizes?

A mathemortician.

### A math equation

A dozen, a gross, and a score

Plus three times the square root of four

Divide that by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and nothing else more.

### What do you call a musical equation that a former Vice President composes?

An algorithm

(Credit to my girlfriend)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Despite an extensive knowledge of the inter workings of mathematics, the expert mathematician’s favorite equation was 1+2...

That horny bastard just couldn’t get enough of that three sum.

F=ma

### Why was Gimli so interested in plotting equations on an x-y coordinate plane?

He heard it involved axes.

Is 4n to me

Calculust

### Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

HAmAr + SiCl

### How do you solve a math equation?

Isolate the "x" so it gets depressive and takes suicide.

### There are almost no problems that cannot be solved by adding puppies into the equation...

except for world hunger...which come to think of it, they can also solve.

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### Casual sex is like a math equation...

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### A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

### I may be willing to solve equations..

but graphing is where I draw the line!

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### I was trying to solve an equation when I realised that the minus button on my calculator was broken...

On the plus side, it still worked.

Se^x

### I offered to pay a friend to help me find the answers to a quadratic equation.

The equation was X^2 - 7X + 12 and even though I was prepared to give cash he gave me the answers for free.

### Why are differential equation courses so dry?

Because the problems are all about losing liquids at varying rates.

### what did Freud say about an algebraic equation?

What you do to one side, you must also do to your mother

### Can someone integrate this equation?

This joke comes from my father, who taught at a mostly black high school

During a calculus lecture:

"Can someone come to the board and integrate this?" he says, pointing to an equation

He looks around, wondering why no one has answered

Once again, he asks "Can someone com...

A hypocrite.

Tolstoichiometry

### I love quadratic equations so much I would give up my first born child for it

and that’s not a hyperbola

### What are Muslim men's favorite mathematical equation?

Inequalities

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### Why is Hitler like solving the equation (x/10^6)=-6 for X?

The final solution leaves you with - 6,000,000

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### A pothead, a math teacher, and a gym teacher all go to heaven.

God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself. The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell. The gym teacher ask...

### How does Donald Trump keep a handle on integral equations?

He grabs them by the +c.

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### There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

### One day, a mathematician was found dead in his office....

When they investigated they found he had died of dehydration, slumped over an untranslated copy of Homer's Iliad that had been sent to him by mistake.
Scrawled on the margins were the words "This is the most complicated equation I have ever seen"

### My friend was arrested after carving equations into blocks of quartz

He was charged with manufacture of crystal math

### My girlfriend is actually a solution

... of equation x²+1=0

### An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician get stranded on a desert island…

Right away the engineer finds some stick and stones, which he uses to build a hammer, which he uses to break open coconuts to get some nutrients.

After five days eating plenty of coconuts, he decides to go looking for the physicist.

He finds the physicist quite thin, he clearly have no...

### A collection of math jokes

A big, muscly man enters the bar, slams the counter and says in a deep voice: I want 10 times more beer than everyone here is having.

The bartender says: Now thats an order of magnitude

---------------/

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar. The first asks for...

### The perfect AI

Some many years into the future...

Scientist : Yessss!!!! After years of work, I have finally created the perfect AI humanoid. This robot has its own brain and can think and do exactly like a human being. Can't wait to try it out.

He switches humanoid on and thinks of a challenging t...

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### a mathematician a riddler and a dumbass were at the gate of heaven

the angel at the gate frowned and apologized to the men "im sorry, but heaven is too full! if you want to come in you will have to trick the devil!" the devil appeared, smiling at the men, "well which one of you want to go to hell first?". after a pause, the mathematician walked up and handed the de...

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### If y = f(x) means y is a function of x

Then;

being a lying ass hoe = f(my(x))

should be an easy equation to understand

### A mobster kidnaps a biologist, an electrical engineer, and a physicist

He sits them down and tells them, "I need a way to win a horse race every time. You are each going to think up a plan for doing this... Or else. "

A week later, the biologist walks in, "It's simple. We drug the horses with this series of amphetamines and steroids that I've come up with. "
...

### A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better.

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques,...

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### 3 Guys in hell

This is the story of an engineer from intel, a guy from the pentagon, and a small skateboarder all three ended up in hell after signing a contract with the devil himself

so he says to them

\- I will give each of you a chance to go to paradise, but beware, no second chance, it's eith...

### Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

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### A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven..

A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven.

They arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter greets them with a smile, but the devil is standing beside them. The three men stand there looking very confused. Saint Peter tells them that heaven is getting very crowded, and o...

### Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven

He meets God there and asks him: "Dear God, you know me, I'm the author of worlds most famous equation. Would you show me the equation you used to create man?"

God takes a pencil and a piece of paper, scribbles something down and gives it to him.

Einstein is studying the formula for a ...

You: The y-intercept is (8,0) right?

Student 2: Parabobly.

### Man: Hi when do you use that calculator?

2nd Man: Oh, only on special equations.....

### After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

### Three professors are on a hunting trip

After hours of trudging through the woods, they spot their first game of the day: a deer sleeping soundly in the middle of a clearing.

The first one, a physicist, takes out his notebook and uses the equations of motion to aim his rifle at the perfect angle. Bang! His bullet whizzes past the d...

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### Three guys die and go to Heaven...

When they go to approach the pearly gates suddenly Satan pops out and tells them, "Sorry Heaven is full! If you want to get in you gotta give me a question I can't answer correctly and I will let you in!"
The first guy steps forward. "I was a philosopher in my life and I can garuntee you don't k...

### What would you call a poem written in the honour of a Mathematician?

dy/dx - 3x = 2

What's this?

An ODE (Ordinary Differential Equation)

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### A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He the...

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### So 3 men die and go to heaven...

So three men die and go heaven- a chemist, an idiot, and a mathematician.

When they get to the pearly gates of heaven, St. Peter is standing there, and says "Alright heaven is getting full, so to get into heaven, you have to ask me a question that I do not know the answer to.
The mathemat...

### Einstein dies and goes to heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,

"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to

sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a ...

### Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Werner Heisenberg, Georg Ohm, Galileo Galilei, Max Planck, and Louis de Broglie were carpooling to work...

...when they got pulled over for speeding. However, when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going, he couldn't get a straight answer, and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.

So all 7 of them are taken to the police station, and individua...

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### Was told this joke a couple of years ago and I still find it funny. (Kind of really Long)

So there's three guys in a car. One is a scientist, one a mathematician, and one a truck driver. Suddenly, one of the tires gets stuck in a pothole, the car flips over and they all die. They ascend to heaven and the guy at the gate tells them "There's only room for one of you here. You will all h...

### A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms....

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.

The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working o...

### Did you hear about the math teacher...

...who used a ladder to solve a calculus problem written at the very top of his blackboard?

He really rose to the equation.