This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My vodka Christmas cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4...

I found recipe in a Moroccan book for rolls.

It calls for fresh thyme, but I only had dried thyme and it was expired. I made it anyway and I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll!

What you call a group of witches cooking simple recipes?

An Easy Bake Coven!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's better to use butter when creating a recipe

That way you have more margarine for error

what do you call a really small computer file full of pastry recipes?

Little bytes

What do French dogs start their recipes with?

A roux

My wife said she found a really good recipe for chili.

She told me that it only calls for 239 beans.

I asked her why such a precise number of beans.

She said because if it had one more it would be too farty.

I'm not allowed to share the recipe for the bread we have at the Indian restaurant.

It's a naan disclosure agreement.

Did you hear about the chef that won an award for his chickpea recipe after he died?

It was awarded post hummus.

I have a recipe in which a deep dish crust is filled with small rodents and covered with whipped egg whites.

Its a Lemming Meringue Pie

Aunt Millie's secret recipe has been stolen by Sara Lee's brother.

Alleged Lee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Mexican women with three boobs?

Tres Leches

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

Where do you go to study the most difficult ice cream recipes?

Sundae school...

The recipe said, "Prick with a fork"..

.....but enough about me.

The recipe said to put the pot in at 180 degrees

Now it’s all over the bottom of the oven

The famed Montana Buffalo Steak

A cowboy rode to Montana to try the famed Buffalo Steak he had heard about in his travels. He ventured to a tribe of Natives and asked if they had ever herd of or eaten Buffalo steaks before. He of course did not speak their language, but they understood his silly gestures, nodded and equally gestur...

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

I misread the recipe. I was trying to make Cottage Cheese, but I accidentally ended up with Frottage Cheese.

The taste was off, and it just rubs me the wrong way.

Why don't people In wheelchairs make food by a recipe?

The recipe needs to go step-by-step

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

What recipe uses chicken and elephant parts?

Chicken Dumbo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I tried following a recipe for a cheesecake from r/foodporn

The second last step was "Chill in the fridge for an hour".

I've got my beer and snacks but it's cold and fucking cramped in here.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.

I get to the end and I think, 'Well, *that's* not going to happen.'

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.

The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.

The second ...

If you wait long enough to cook dinner...

Everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes!

Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I...

I caught my wife adding yeast to my beloved flatbread recipe;

But I know she's just trying to get a rise out of me

Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe.

Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction.

What do you accuse someone who keeps putting their curry recipes on Reddit?

Korma Farming.

Where did you get this mushroom recipe?

Husband asks his wife.

\- "In a detective novel." she answers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

If the Americans took 40 attempts to get WD-40 recipe right

Then the Chinese did very well for getting Covid in 19

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes for dinner at a fancy restaurant...

He orders the nicest glass of wine on the menu.

"What do you think?" asks the waiter.

"I could piss out better wine than this!" the man exclaims.

"I'd like to see that," says the waiter.

So the man takes a pee in an empty wine glass and hands it to the waiter.

The ...

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover...

...to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says "That restaraunt is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need the recipe and the secret ingredient ASAP!"

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the succe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Taliban commander called a meeting.

-Fellow taliban fighters! Are we a great nation?!
- YEEEES!
- How come we still don’t have a nuke?!
- well... that’s a shame commander! Let’s get one!!
So they got together, built a huge rocket out of tree, emptied some space in the middle using axes, cooked some uranium-235 using old Am...

Every recipe for meatballs I find says to crack open a couple of eggs into some ground beef.

I guess that's why the two yolk is always in the cow mince

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Found out why Americans are obsessed with breasts!

All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes

My grandmother Eleanor gave me her fantastic seafood recipes

But nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella.

I got this new recipe app. I am having issues with the security.

I want my password to be BeefStew, but the app keeps telling me it’s not stroganoff.

Zoos?

What's the difference between a Northern and a Southern zoo?



At a Northern zoo the plaque on the cage lists the phylum, class, species, and info about it's habitat.

At a Southern zoo the plaque on the cage lists the phylum, class, species, and recipes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Wise Rabbi

A nazi once approached a Jewish rabbi.
"How are you jews so clever? Tell me or I'll kill you!" he demanded.
The rabbi stroked his beard. "Ok, I'll tell you, but first you must become more spiritual. Go and fast for 40 days. Each day, immerse yourself in freezing water."

40 days later, ...

What's Taco Bell's secret sauce recipe?

No idea, they keep it under wraps.

I'll show myself out.

Instructions said to preheat oven at 180 degrees

Not sure i'll try this recipe again, turning the oven upside down was a real back breaker...

My vegan meat pie recipe

Step 1: Find yourself a fresh vegan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kanye’s rise to fame

Right before dropping out of college and kick starting his rap career, Kanye West went to visit his wealthy aunt, Shirlie Faulker, who owned a rubber products manufacturing factory on the outskirts of Paris, France. He decided to spend his summer break working at the factory part time while deciding...

What do they say when a chef dies?

Recipes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cakepilation

For my cake day I'm going to repost everything I can think of that fits into the category of cake-related jokes! You've heard them all anyway, who cares?



What did the cake say to the fork? You wanna piece of me?

What do you eat if you 3.142 cakes? You get fat. Pay attention, ...

Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.

What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?

Copy and basting

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’.

I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

Some guy tried to steal my recipe for Indian bread.

I told him: “It’s naan of your business.”

I asked my local baker for her amazing bread recipe.

She said it's on a knead to dough basis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I was getting a recipe from a chef. He told me the recipe needed clarified butter...

So I asked him if he could be more specific.

How does an Albanian recipe start?

"We steal two eggs.."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the frustrated cook say when he ran out of spice for a recipe?

"I don't have thyme for this shit"

I hacked the recipe computers

at the Campbell's Soup Company. Do you want me to post them in their entirety,

Or just the condensed version.

I found an easy cookie recipe that said to put all the ingredients in one bowl and beat it.

I'm not sure what good it did though, when I came back nothing had changed.

I found a recipe for a fruit curry that I wanted to try out.

I made a list of all the ingredients that I needed and headed to the shop. I picked up some rice, some mango chutney, some curry powder and some raisins.

Upon returning I checked my list again to make sure that I had gotten everything that I needed. To my dismay, the recipe had called for sul...

Recipe for honeymoon salad

Lettuce alone without dressing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

High School Bully

The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.

Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate Justin, you fucking loser

I’ve got a great recipe for popcorn stuffed duck.

It’s called Quacker Jacks

I finally found a recipe that is gluten free, fat free, dairy free and contains no sugar.

It’s a breath of fresh air.

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy in full medieval armor walks into a bar

He sits down at the counter and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.

The bartender preps the drink, but the armored man is visibly dissatisfied with the drink.

"Barkeep? Wouldst thou kindly rehome this drink in a larger glass?"

The bartender does so.

"Verily, I tha...

Happiness recipe.

I've found the recipe for happiness. Can someone just send me some money so that I can buy the ingredients?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought the recipe was for making margarine, however,

it churned out to be butter.

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

Bakers trade bread recipes...

on a knead-to-know basis.

Cats or dogs?

Looking to try a new recipe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Internet recipe competition

There was a new competition for people to post their favorite recipes and the prize for the winner was to be featured on the front page of the local newspaper and the town website.

In an effort to save time and effort, the participants were told to submit these recipes online.

People ...

Literary historians recently found a Briton recipe for a citrus-based sauce translated by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

It was called the 'Lime of the Ancient Marinade'

I found a good bread recipe where you don't have to get your hands messy from mixing it

The bread was kneadless, to say

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom accidentally put in more butter than what was called for in the recipe.

It was only a marginal error.

Why do Irish stew recipes only call for 239 beans?

Because one more, and it would be too-farty.

First time making muffins...

So, first time making blueberry muffins, and the recipe calls for 2 cup flour. The only measuring cups I have in the house are a 1/2 cup and a 1/3 so I actually had to take the time to do 4 halves.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

My recipe for vodka-flavoured brats never caught on.

It was the Absolut wurst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a small pharmacy a woman enters and says:

\- Please I want to buy arsenic!

\- I can't sell her that. What is its purpose?

\- To kill my husband!

\- Much worse, for that purpose I can't sell it to her. The woman opens her wallet and takes a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife

\- Ahh, wellll...

I found some good cookie recipes with weed the other day.

Then I was like, "That's a weird place to keep cookie recipes".

Bakers have a weird way of trading bread recipes.

Its done on a knead to know basis. Gotta get the dough somehow

Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza.

So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfec...

Why was the chef was devestated to find a recipe torn out of his cookbook?

...it was his main sauce of income.

Does anyone have a recipe for sausage and apples?

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted tonight and she said she could use a wiener in cider.

Since its my cake day

I used to work at a very large balery known for making some of the most exquisite and famous cakes.

These cakes required a very intricate and delicate process to make them and involved a lot of processes and a secret recipe.

However in all my 20 years, the head baker never told me the ...

Why do most French recipes require only one egg?

In France, one egg is *un oeuf*

Mother Superior was curious as why all the nuns were suddenly eager to visit the village bakery.

So she decided to journey from the convent and into town to find out for herself.

When she entered the bakery, the baker greeted her with a big smile.

“Greetings Sister! What can I get for you today?”

“What do you suggest?” She asked.

“Well, this new recipe of mine has ...

What are the first 3 words in every authentic Mexican recipe?

Steal a chicken

Fishing

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's...

An Irish guy is making chili for a fall cookoff

He just recently immigrated and forgot the recipe back home.

He goes to his wife, ‘Mary, I forgot the recipe. How many beans am I supposed to put in?’

Mary responds: ‘239.’

Why my love?

Mary: any more would be too farty

I was given a recipe book for roadkill recently

I collected some roadkill and followed the recipe. It tasted good but I have no idea what to do with his bike.

My boss at the cereal factory pulled me into his office...

“I like your recipes son, but I think we should make some changes.”

“Ok”, I said, “Like What?”

“Well, first I’d like to dip it in sucrose. Then, I’d like to dust it with dextrose -“

“Stop right there”, I said. “No need to sugar coat it.”

So I invented a new beef and vegetable recipe, but it wasn't so great...

It was meaty-okra.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pandas say on Halloween?

Bam-BOO!

That's the entire joke but this subreddit won't let me post such a short joke, so I'll tell a little story like one of those irritating-as-fuck internet recipe intros that gives WTMI.
My four year old is fascinated by finding the perfect joke. He'll often pick up on jokes from tv ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the butter maker not tell anybody his secret recipe?

He was afraid they'd spread it around.

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man uses up all his savings to open up a bar.

But there are many bars in the city and he has trouble attracting customers. So he stays up during the nights, trying new recipes for cocktails. But nothing seems to work. He is dejected and contemplates closing down the bar and cutting his losses. One evening, he is rummaging though his garage and ...

Secret Recipe

Mishu and Yanku both operate Romanian restaurants opposite one another. Yanku is doing very well, but Mishu is doing very poorly.

One day, Mishu mans up and walk over to Yanku, asking him "Tell me, my friend, how come you are so successful? What's the secret recipe you use for the Romanian Ke...

The recipe said to crush the garlic

So I told it, "You'll never amount to anything!"

A: These cookies are amazing!

B: Thanks, it's a secret family recipe.
A: You have a secret family?
B: Please don't tell my wife...

This new bbq flavor air is nice

But I think I’d like to go back to original recipe now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Onion-Flavored Ice Cream

One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter "Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?"

The guy says, "No, we don't have onion-flavored ice cream."
So the kid says, "Ok" and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just been reading Delia Smith's recipe for scrambled eggs...

Apparently "they should be soft and fluffy." No you daft bitch that means they've hatched.

An old Soviet anecdote [WARNING: GORE]

A chief talks to his tribe:

— Are we the greatest tribe?

Entire tribe shouts:

— YES!!!

— Then we need our own nuclear bomb and a rocket to carry it!

— YES!!!

— Let's build them then.

The tribe chopped down the thickest and tallest tree in the forest, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

How does every Romanian recipe start?

1. Steal a chicken.

From an old family friend.

Bride

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jew and a goy are seated together in a train compartment. No one else joins them and as the train gets underway, the goy decides to engage the jew in a conversation.

The goy asks the jew all sorts of questions about his religion. The jew patiently answers them all.
Eventually they take out their pack lunches and continue the conversation. The goy asks:

« Why is it you people are so smart? »

The jew thinks about it for a while and responds:
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.