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Recipe Jokes

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I have no idea what to do, because the oven door is facing the wall.

I found a recipe for Morrocan rolls online.

They looked good, so I figured I would make them. The recipe called for some fresh thyme, but mine was slightly expired. I figured it would still be good because it was only one week expired. It was good, so I figured I would get some fresh thyme the next time I was at the store. I made it with the...

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.

Moms Recipe for Iced Coffee

Have Kids.
Make Coffee.
Forget you made coffee.
Put it in the microwave.
Forget you put it in the microwave.
_*DRINK IT COLD*_

What did the baker say when he messed up his recipe?

Dough!

the recipe for marble cake is not what you might first think it is.

Totally unrelated topic - anybody know a good dentist?

I wrote a quick preparation recipes book called "wait less meals."

You add two scoops of ice cream and a coke to every meal and it's afloat!

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My vodka Christmas cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4...

My grandma started sharing her recipes on TikTok

Now she’s on OnlyNans

A Pepsi exec convinced several of his competitor's employees to smuggle out their secret recipe.

He was arrested on charges of industrial espionage.

The others were charged as Coke-conspirators.

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes in the guise of rating and reviewing pies from various bakeries.



She was Pie-rating.

A guy goes into a restaurant for lunch.

After careful consideration, he decides he will have a bowl of the day's soup. The waiter praises him for his decision.

"Ah, excellent choice. The chef makes the soup fresh each day from only the freshest, locally-sourced ingredients. It is completely organic, and there are no additives or pr...

What would you call a cheaper edition of a book of recipes for Indian side dishes?

Paperback Raita.

The President of France has published a recipe for a new dessert with coconut and pasta

It’s Macron’s macaroon macaroni macaron.

I had to eat a dandelion and hay cake today made from my girlfriend's new recipe.

I think she's using me as a guinea pig.

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It's better to use butter when creating a recipe

That way you have more margarine for error

Elon Musk has announced a new recipe for chicken soup

First you boil the chicken in water and then you dump the stock.

The recipe said, "Prick with a fork"..

.....but enough about me.

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I made a shit recipe with all the herbs and spices i know

Anyways it was a waste of thyme

How do you unlock the vault with the kfc secret recipe

With a kentuc-key

My dad’s famous chili recipe calls for exactly 239 beans....

One more would make it too farty :)

What recipe uses chicken and elephant parts?

Chicken Dumbo

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

What do French dogs start their recipes with?

A roux

What you call a group of witches cooking simple recipes?

An Easy Bake Coven!

Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I...

Where did you get this mushroom recipe?

Husband asks his wife.

\- "In a detective novel." she answers.

Aunt Millie's secret recipe has been stolen by Sara Lee's brother.

Alleged Lee.

What's Taco Bell's secret sauce recipe?

No idea, they keep it under wraps.

I'll show myself out.

My French friend taught me his family's secret recipe for cooking duck in its own fat

I'm his confidant

My vegan meat pie recipe

Step 1: Find yourself a fresh vegan...

Happiness recipe.

I've found the recipe for happiness. Can someone just send me some money so that I can buy the ingredients?

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The other day I was getting a recipe from a chef. He told me the recipe needed clarified butter...

So I asked him if he could be more specific.

You go your whole life making a great pumpernickel dip, and then BAM, one day you get 20 people asking for the recipe.

Nobody expects the spinach inquisition.

Where do you go to study the most difficult ice cream recipes?

Sundae school...

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Internet recipe competition

There was a new competition for people to post their favorite recipes and the prize for the winner was to be featured on the front page of the local newspaper and the town website.

In an effort to save time and effort, the participants were told to submit these recipes online.

People ...

Why don't people In wheelchairs make food by a recipe?

The recipe needs to go step-by-step

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So I tried following a recipe for a cheesecake from r/foodporn

The second last step was "Chill in the fridge for an hour".

I've got my beer and snacks but it's cold and fucking cramped in here.

I hacked the recipe computers

at the Campbell's Soup Company. Do you want me to post them in their entirety,

Or just the condensed version.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.

I get to the end and I think, 'Well, *that's* not going to happen.'

what do you call a really small computer file full of pastry recipes?

Little bytes

Every recipe for meatballs I find says to crack open a couple of eggs into some ground beef.

I guess that's why the two yolk is always in the cow mince

How does an Albanian recipe start?

"We steal two eggs.."

I caught my wife adding yeast to my beloved flatbread recipe;

But I know she's just trying to get a rise out of me

Recipe for honeymoon salad

Lettuce alone without dressing

My grandmother Eleanor gave me her fantastic seafood recipes

But nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella.

If the Americans took 40 attempts to get WD-40 recipe right

Then the Chinese did very well for getting Covid in 19

I got this new recipe app. I am having issues with the security.

I want my password to be BeefStew, but the app keeps telling me it’s not stroganoff.

Recipe for a trump sandwich.

2 slices of white bread.
Full of balogna.
Russian dressing.
And a tiny little pickle.

I have a top secret bread recipe

I'd tell you but, it's on a knead to dough basis

Bakers trade bread recipes...

on a knead-to-know basis.

Some guy tried to steal my recipe for Indian bread.

I told him: “It’s naan of your business.”

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

Does anyone have a recipe for sausage and apples?

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted tonight and she said she could use a wiener in cider.

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

Secret Recipe

Mishu and Yanku both operate Romanian restaurants opposite one another. Yanku is doing very well, but Mishu is doing very poorly.

One day, Mishu mans up and walk over to Yanku, asking him "Tell me, my friend, how come you are so successful? What's the secret recipe you use for the Romanian Ke...

Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.

What do you accuse someone who keeps putting their curry recipes on Reddit?

Korma Farming.

I have a recipe in which a deep dish crust is filled with small rodents and covered with whipped egg whites.

Its a Lemming Meringue Pie

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I thought the recipe was for making margarine, however,

it churned out to be butter.

What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?

Copy and basting

My recipe for vodka-flavoured brats never caught on.

It was the Absolut wurst.

I found a recipe for a fruit curry that I wanted to try out.

I made a list of all the ingredients that I needed and headed to the shop. I picked up some rice, some mango chutney, some curry powder and some raisins.

Upon returning I checked my list again to make sure that I had gotten everything that I needed. To my dismay, the recipe had called for sul...

My wife loves making pickles

She has asked me to grow some of the ingredients for her recipe in the garden to save money, but they haven't been producing very well.

It's been a real up dill battle.

I was given a recipe book for roadkill recently

I collected some roadkill and followed the recipe. It tasted good but I have no idea what to do with his bike.

Why do most French recipes require only one egg?

In France, one egg is *un oeuf*

How does every Romanian recipe start?

1. Steal a chicken.

From an old family friend.

I finally found a recipe that is gluten free, fat free, dairy free and contains no sugar.

It’s a breath of fresh air.

Bakers have a weird way of trading bread recipes.

Its done on a knead to know basis. Gotta get the dough somehow

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Just been reading Delia Smith's recipe for scrambled eggs...

Apparently "they should be soft and fluffy." No you daft bitch that means they've hatched.

Why do Irish stew recipes only call for 239 beans?

Because one more, and it would be too-farty.

I found an easy cookie recipe that said to put all the ingredients in one bowl and beat it.

I'm not sure what good it did though, when I came back nothing had changed.

I found some good cookie recipes with weed the other day.

Then I was like, "That's a weird place to keep cookie recipes".

What are the first 3 words in every authentic Mexican recipe?

Steal a chicken

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My mom accidentally put in more butter than what was called for in the recipe.

It was only a marginal error.

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Why did the butter maker not tell anybody his secret recipe?

He was afraid they'd spread it around.

Why was the chef was devestated to find a recipe torn out of his cookbook?

...it was his main sauce of income.

Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe.

Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction.

Colonel Sanders was on his deathbed and all his family were sitting around his bed.

“You must tell us the secret ingredient so we can continue to sell your fried chicken” said his oldest child.

The Colonel barely able to move , beckoned his oldest child to him , “come…” he whispered before suddenly dying.

And they haven’t changed the recipe since.

Sorry, I mad...

So I invented a new beef and vegetable recipe, but it wasn't so great...

It was meaty-okra.

Ordered some spices online a while back to enhance my roast chicken recipe, unfortunately due to the pandemic I was told the package would be delayed.

But today is the day, the thyme has finally come.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’

I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

Literary historians recently found a Briton recipe for a citrus-based sauce translated by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

It was called the 'Lime of the Ancient Marinade'

Well away from the muffins...

My aunt Sara is someone who has an excellent sense of humor. In a nutshell, my aunt is a lady in her sixties who uses the fact that she loves cakes and is overweight... to make fun of herself. One of the most delightful conversations i had with her was when i met her at the bus stop one day and she ...

I found a good bread recipe where you don't have to get your hands messy from mixing it

The bread was kneadless, to say

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Boyfriend: Why do you share and like pictures of recipes on facebook if you can't cook?

Girlfriend: You watch porn every day but you don't hear me complaining.

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover...

...to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says "That restaraunt is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need the recipe and the secret ingredient ASAP!"

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the succe...

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A little old lady schedules a consultation with a high-class lawyer.

She says to the lawyer, “That bitch Linda from down the street stole my pastry recipe! Now she’s selling MY recipe at the church bake sale and telling everyone it’s hers! I want to file suit for theft of my intellectual property!”

The lawyer patiently hears her story, and replies, “Ma’am, I’m...

My son has started an apprenticeship chef role at a Michelin starred Indian restaurant in London.

On his first day they showed him how to make the perfect Indian flat bread. He said he can't tell me the recipe though.

Apparently he had to sign a naan disclosure agreement.

My uncle wants to publish a cookbook that teaches people how to prepare nutritious and tasty meals using the kinds of meagre rations that are available in the aftermath of a hurricane/earthquake/flood/etc.

I told him it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

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What do you call a Mexican women with three boobs?

Tres Leches

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant.

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.
The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.
The second day, the...

Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?

It was an old family recipe.

An Irish guy is making chili for a fall cookoff

He just recently immigrated and forgot the recipe back home.

He goes to his wife, ‘Mary, I forgot the recipe. How many beans am I supposed to put in?’

Mary responds: ‘239.’

Why my love?

Mary: any more would be too farty

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

What is the difference between just telling a joke, and providing an intellectual analysis of that joke?

Just *telling* a joke is like hitting your audience in the face with a custard pie.

However, an intellectual *analysis* of a joke is like hitting your audience in the face...

...with a *recipe* for custard pie.

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Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

Since its my cake day

I used to work at a very large balery known for making some of the most exquisite and famous cakes.

These cakes required a very intricate and delicate process to make them and involved a lot of processes and a secret recipe.

However in all my 20 years, the head baker never told me the ...

What do they say when a chef dies?

Recipes

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High School Bully

The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.

Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate Justin, you fucking loser

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