According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans

But that’s just a Conservative estimate

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

What do you call a set of calculations to determine the fluidity of a former Vice President's dance moves?

Al Gore rhythm algorithm

I tried to draw a circle, after doing all my calculations, it would never be correct...

Turns out, it was a rounding error

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A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you're extremely fast at calculations. What is 25 x 14?

Candidate : 39!

Interviewer: What? That's not even close!

Candidate : Yeah, but it was quick!

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Two economists are walking in the woods...

Two economists are walking in the woods when they encounter a rotting deer carcass.


One economist turns to the other and says, "I bet you $4000 you won't sniff that carcass."

The other economist isn't going to turn down $4000 so he leans over and sniffs it. Then he turns to the fi...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician get stranded on a desert island…

Right away the engineer finds some stick and stones, which he uses to build a hammer, which he uses to break open coconuts to get some nutrients.

After five days eating plenty of coconuts, he decides to go looking for the physicist.

He finds the physicist quite thin, he clearly have no...

A Chinese student is quite good with mental calculation

... but has this habit of looking up whenever he does heavy calculation. He is a third-year student in a university, major in Computer Science. And he works part time in a convenient store near his uni. He doesn’t speak much on his part time job, but he is honest, hard working, and is well mannered ...

“I am a master of fast calculations.”

“I am a master of fast calculations.”
-
“OK, what is 758 time 642 divided by 5?”
-
“22!”
-
“Ha ha, that’s wrong!”
-
“Might be, but it was fast!”

A lawyer dies and ends up in hell.

“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 42 years old!”

“Just 42? That doesn't sound right.” says Satan.

The lawyer says, "Thank you so much, this must be some kind of mix up."

"Ah, here we have it," says Satan. "According to our cal...

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Two economists

Two economists are walking down the street and pass by a pile of dog shit. One of them (a sadist) turns to the other and says "I'll pay you $1000 if you eat that dog shit".

The other performs an internal utility calculation and eats the dog shit.

Continuing their walk, the second econo...

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

What do Chinese food and entropy calculations have in common?

they both feature some dim sums

I've done some calculations, and I figure, that at my current rate of pay I could live happily for the rest of my life.

If I died tomorrow.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician spend the night in the same hotel.

At midnight, the engineer is awakened by the smell of smoke. He takes a step down the hall and sees a small fire. Thinking fast, he dumps his wastebasket, fills it with water, and puts out the flames. Satisfied, he goes back to bed.

Later on, the physicist is also awakened by the smell of sm...

Murphy and O'Brien calculate the depth of a well

Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come a clearing and see an abandoned well. Murphy said 'I wonder how deep that well is?' O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'. Murphy says, 'What's that?' O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the...

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes.

According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.

A small town near Russia and Poland

There was a small town located along the frontier between Russia and Poland; no one was ever quite sure to which it belonged. One day an official treaty was signed and not long after, surveyors arrived to draw a border. Some villagers approached them where they had set up their equipment on a nearby...

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The Sensitive Man

A man and a woman meet in a singles bar. They chat, they click, they connect. The fellow proposes that they continue their discussion over drinks at his place. The woman agrees.

They arrive at his apartment, and the woman is genuinely pleasantly surprised to see that, unlike a lot of bache...

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