Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...

The spirit in the bottle.

A lady walks into Walmart. She bumps into a bottle on a shelf, it falls down and a spirit comes out. Ahh that was good said the spirit. As a thank\`s for helping me out of this bottle, I want to give you one wish that comes true. The lady is a little confused, thinks a little and says, I have a wish...

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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

Someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me.

I said, “What the hellmann?”

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily, I only sustained super fish oil injuries

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My sister was playing Truth or Dare with her friends. I listened from behind the door. The bottle landed on my sister and she said, "Truth." "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" her friend asked.

My sister replied, "A week ago."

I burst in through the door and yelled, "I knew you were faking it last night."

A man finds a genie in a bottle

He rubs it. A genie pops out "you have two wishes"

The guy says "hold up, aren't I supposed to get three wishes?"

the genie replies "Check your pants"

The guy looks down his pants, and slightly surprised, says "how did you know?"

Genie says "I've been doin this a while."

I recently swapped a Sarcophagus for a bottle of Bacardi

Well they certainly gave me a rum for my mummy

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I had twelve bottles of whisky...

...and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.



I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I ...

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

I bought a bottle of wine

But I was worried I might drop it on the way home so I decided to drink it.

It’s a good thing I did, I fell of my bike 8 times.

If you are buying smart water for $5 a bottle...

It isn't working.

I was feeling lethargic and apathetic so I took a vacation to the Bahamas. Still completely unmotivated, I just sat on the beach with a bottle of rum for hours and watched as a storm rolled in.

I was in a tropical depression.

One day a bottle and a mirror were fighting of witch is worse to break.

"If you break me you get one year of bad luck" said the bottle.
"That is just one year. If you break me you get seven years of bad luck" answered the mirror.
But someone was laughing behind them. It was the condom who said "That is nothing. If you break me you get a life time of bad luck."

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

None. It should be open by the time she brings it to him.

How many people can you kill with a single bottle of water?

According to airport security, quite a lot.

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly bac...

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

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A nun comes over to a grocery store and yelps at the cashier: "A bottle of rum".

The cashier obliged, but he couldn't help but ask: "I thought nuns don't drink". "Well, mother sometimes has constipation and a little bit of rum helps her with that", the nun replied. The cashier nods and a few hours later in the evening, he closes the store and leaves home. On the way, he noticed ...

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Why did I down a whole bottle of laxatives at a comedy show last night?

For shits and giggles

What drink comes in a longneck bottle?

Girraft Beer

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I once had to pretend that i was taking a shit, so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet

It was a shampoo.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

**waiter:** white or red?

**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers

Why doesn't Mrs. Clean get pregnant?

Because Mr. Clean comes in a bottle.

I once littered in a forest and the only ones that saw me were a group of otters in the nearby river. I'll never forget the look they gave me as that plastic bottle left my hands.

It was a look of otter disdain.

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

An Old West dime store writer walks into a dusty town...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

Went out for sushi last night

And a guy spilled a whole bottle of soy sauce on himself. Everyone laughed except me. Don‘t Kikkoman when he’s down

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

Whats the difference between a piano, a keyboard and a bottle of glue?

The piano doesnt need electricity, the keyboard does.

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, th...

My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles!

Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic.

My dad has this weird hobby, where he collects modern bottles

That sounds way better than alcoholic

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

I left a bottle a whiskey outside last night and it got rained on.

It's not ruined but my spirits are dampened.

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A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street.

He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish." The Russian man says, "I would like to piss vodka." When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinking. He tells her he can piss vodka and demonstrates for her. It was the be...

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

A beer bottle sits down next to a mirror.

A beer bottle starts talking to the mirror.

"If you break me, you'll get 1 year of bad luck!"

The mirror replies, "Are you kidding? thats nothing, with me you get 7 years of bad luck!"

Then they hear a bunch of laughter from behind them. Turning around, they find themselves loo...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".


Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does...

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.

Am Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are lost deep in a jungle. They get captured by a tribe of cannibals and are told "you can have one request before we kill you, eat you and then your skins into a canoe". The scot asks for a bottle of the finest scotch and, somehow the tribe brings it to him...

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "...

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My vodka Christmas cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4...

[NSFW] My wife is like a bottle of wine

I have to keep the cork wet or else she’ll spoil.

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Old Soviet joke about two missiles

So USSR and the US finally go to nuclear war. They each fire a missile at each other to while the other out. The two missiles meet each other over half way to their destination.

"Comrade US missile", the USSR one says, "We are about to kill millions of people, let's stop and have a drink."...

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An Irishman is walking along the beach when he finds a bottle. He picks it up and out pops a genie.

The genie says, “I’ll give you one wish.”

The Irishman says, “I wish I could piss Irish whiskey any time I wanted.”

The genie says, “You got it and passes him a glass.”

He pulls out his dick and pisses in the glass, takes a drink and says, “This is the best Irish whiskey I’ve ev...

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2 Nuns and a Bottle of Whiskey

A bartender is waiting for closing time at his pub so he can lock up, and go home. It's a slow night and he has no customers.

He hears a light knock at the back door, opens it, and there are 2 nuns there. One says, "Mr Bartender, can we impose upon you for a wee favor?"

"Certainly,...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

A man is up in court on a tricky litigation case, and his lawyer has warned him that the judge is very strict and correct. “He won’t stand for any nonsense and he knows all the tricks!”

“Well, would it help if I sent him a brace of grouse and a bottle of whisky?”

“Absolutely not!” says the lawyer. “He’s as straight as a die and completely in-corruptable!”

Come the day of the trial, the man wins his case easily, and afterwards says to his lawyer, “I knew that whisky an...

A man goes to give a sperm donation.

About 30 minutes later he comes out of the room.


"what happened?" asks the doctor.


"Well Doctor it seemed it didn't work" replies the man.


"I put both hands on it for 10 minutes and nothing, then I told my wife to come in to help. She also put both of her hands...

Bert and Ernie served as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defen...

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

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Putin`s chauffeur

Vladimir Putin is in his limo, being driven through the Russian countryside. All of a sudden, there is a big bang and a big bump. Putin yells at his chauffeur, "What the hell was that?!"
The chauffeur replies, "I ran over a big pig that was lying in the middle of the road. I\`m pretty sure I...

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3 men die on Christmas morning...

Three men die on Christmas morning. They end up in front of the pearly gates and Saint Peter, even though none of them ever expected it.

Peter says "You guys drink, smoke and womanize. You shouldn't be getting into heaven. However, it's Christmas and I'm feeling festive. If you can each show ...

Dave wanted to go hunting for the first time by himself, yet he was afraid that he would get lost.

"I've got an idea!" Dave said. "I'll take this bottle of Jack Daniels with me." (Jack Daniels is a brand alcohol for those of you that don't know.)

He goes on his hunting trip, and before you know it, he gets lost.

Days later, a search party was dispatched to find Dave, but a week pass...

What do they call an extra-large bottle of lube in Alabama?

Family size

Genie in a glass bottle

One day a man was doing throwing practice with his wife while on a vacation, when suddenly he missed and the ball flew into a nearby house. They ran over when they heard glass breaking and saw a weird looking guy staring back.

The weird guy quickly came up to them and started thanking them, "...

It was only a $3 bottle of Chardonnay

but we partied like it was $19.99

A Rabbi And A Priest Get Into A Huge Car Accident

After both of them crawl out of their cars, the rabbi looks and the priest and says:

"Look at that! Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends!"

The Priest, looking at the total wrecka...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

Guy is in the store...

...and and starts putting out items in the checkout..

3 bottles of red wine

3 bottles of white wine

2 bottles of champagne

1 bottle of vermouth

4 bottles of vodka

1 bottle of Hennessy

Finally one can of cat food

...when he suddenly hears a man...

Ivan and Piotr are drinking in a shack out in the woods...

They've been drinking for three days straight and have finally run completely out of booze.

Piotr turns to Ivan and says, "Vanya, go look in the shed out back, see if there's anything to drink there."

Ivan stumbles back with a bottle of methanol in his hand. "Well, we could drink this...

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occurred to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

A man stumbles across a magic lamp while walking in a forest

Upon rubbing it a genie appears and says that for freeing him he will grant him one wish.

The man thinks for a while and finally says :
" I wish that I peed out don perignon champagne"

The genie albeit confused grants the wish.

The man quickly hurries home and tells it all h...

A man asks for vodka in a club(true story)

So I work at a nightclub and a guy approaches me and asks how much does a bottle of vodka cost, I replied with 80 euros.
The man then said "can I buy half a bottle for 40 euros" .
Me : no sir, but I can give it to you for free if you'd like.
Man : oh really! Are u joking!
Me : Yes, but y...

A fantasy joke

A dwarf rides up to a brothel on the back of a donkey holding a honeycomb wrapped in oilskin. He walks up to the madam.

"My good woman, I've been alone on the road for weeks. I would trade you this donkey," he said, gesturing at the beast he rode in on, "For a room and a woman, and this honey...

I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...

I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.

Why you...

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign f...

I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.

Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic.

...

Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad.

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.

The apparent cause of death was starvation. Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She take...

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

Milk did it, but Tropicana wouldn't put missing children posters on their bottles.

They said nobody wanted to hear that OJ is looking for kids.

4 construction workers are parched from working under the hot sun all day.

They have run out of bottled water and decide to knock on the door of the 1 house on the block that is finished and occupied. An old lady answers , they tell their story and she invited them in.

They sit at her kitchen table to ensure the sofa stays clean. She goes to the kitchen to gath...

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A classroom of kids were learning all about common English proverbs. (LONG)

The teacher asked if anyone had a proverb they could talk about - the kids all put their hands up, including Little Johhny at the back. But the teacher chose Susie: "What's your story, Susie?"

"Well, Miss, my dad jumped into a creek and broke his leg on a big branch just under the water!"...

Guy got so drunk he blew chunks (vomited)

A bartender overhears a guy in the bar bragging to his friends about how he is going to "tie one on" About 10 minutes later the guy walks up to the bar and asks for a 40 pounder of tequila. The bartender says to him I'll make you a deal, if you drink that whole bottle of tequila before you leave h...

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me..

We all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't f...

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.

Still can't get the last of that ketchup out though.

A man's son is about to return from prison.

A man's son is about to return from prison. After spending five years in the clink, the man was very curious to know what his son plans to do further in life and what profession he's going to choose for his future. He decides to test his son. He sets a bottle of alcohol, a wad of money, a gun and a ...

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How about a little head?

A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink. While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head. So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"

The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach o...

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One day a teacher asked the class to get a story with a moral

### One day a teacher asked the class to get a story with a moral

The next day she asks a girl what her moral was


The girl says "Every year we get our chickens and take their eggs to the market to sell them. We were going down yesterday and my dad hit a pothole and all the eggs c...

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*

Student: No it won't dissolve sir.

Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?

Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

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A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years…

One day he sees a beautiful woman in a swimsuit come ashore.

She says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you had a drink?"

He replies "Ten years" and with that she reveals a bottle of whiskey from within her swimsuit, which the man starts drinking from.

She then asks, ...

Rabbit is riding his new bicycle, when he meets bear

Rabbit is riding his new bicycle, when he meets bear. Bear clearly drunk:

"Hey rabbit, where did you get new bicycle?"

"I don't drink, I save money, I can afford a bicycle."

After some time rabbit has new motorbike and as he is taking it for a drive, he meets beer again, who is ...

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

Why do Amoung Us characters bottle up their emotions?

Because they get kicked out of the group when they vent.

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Paddy and Tom are in the pub, both extremely drunk..

Tom goes to the loo and returns with his fly down and his dick hanging out. After a moment, Paddy notices something and says to Tom "Oh my God, there's a snake on your leg." Tom, now terrified, asks Paddy "What do I do?!!!" "Stay still. I will deal with" Paddy replies. Then he takes an empty bottle ...

Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda.

Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising.

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Prescription

Bill walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"

Bill says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

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I emptied a bottle of leftover hair-dye down the toilet.

Shit got dark pretty fast.

A man finds a bottle with a genie inside. *poof* “I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?” “I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!”

The genie scoffs. “Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.”

The man thinks for a moment. “Hmmm, then I wish that I could actuall...

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes

He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"

Spin the Bottle

When I was a kid, all of us kids played 'Spin the bottle'. A girl would spin the bottle. If it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.

By the time I was 16, I owned my own house...

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

As my beloved grandfather would always say: I’d rather have a bottle in front of me...

...than a frontal lobotomy.

What do you call a bottle that's slightly open?

Ajar

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

An Irishman, a Russian, and a Blonde

An Irishman, a Russian, and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "VODKA!", and lands into bottles of ...

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

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The Duck in the Bottle

A man is on a quest for true enlightenment. His travels led him to sit with the Dalai Lama.

Man: Sir, do you have the answer for enlightenment?

The religious figure walks away but comes back with a bottle and a duck.

He hands both to the man and tells him,

"The day yo...

How do you fix a bottle of vodka?

Turn it Smirnoff and on again.

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Two Irishmen lose their oars

Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie tell them that he will grant them only 1 wish. Without hesitation, one of them shou...

A telephone technician gets his wiener bitten by a rattlesnake while peeing on a bush.

He and his coworker where fixing some phone lines in a remote location, far from the city.

His coworker, not knowing what to do, climbs to the top of the telephone pole, connects his service telephone to the wires and calls 911.

The guy on the pole: "Hello, emergencies? My coworker was...

I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free.

They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.

A new bartender is working the saloon in Dodge City

When a cowboy burst through the doors from the street shouting, "Look out everybody, Big Bill Johnson is coming to town!"

The saloon burst into a panicked commotion as everyone scrambled for the door. In the rush, the bartender is knocked down and passes out.

When he came to, he heard...

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How do you get a penis out of a wine bottle?

Thanks in advance

You know when the mustard bottle farts when you're squeezing it to get mustard out

I guess that's mustard gas.

A boy and his grandfather are standing on the lawn, and they see a worm struggling to get into a hole in the ground.

“I can get the worm back into the hole,” said the boy.

“Bet you five dollars you can’t,” said Grandpa. “The worm’s too limp and wriggly to fit into that tiny hole.”

The boy runs inside and comes back with a bottle of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it’s stiff and stuffs it into th...

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Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

All You Need Is Love

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better...

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I’ve always dreamt of having a penis as long and wide as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda,

Fanta sized really

I finally finished getting through my whole bottle of multivitamins before they expired!

I didn’t feel very good after having half the bottle yesterday, but I think I’m doing alright.

A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

Remedy

"Doctor, you prescribed me this strengthening remedy last week."
"Yeah, what about it?"
"I can't open the bottle."

Was talking to my friend last week, asked how his wife was doing and he said to me he doesn't know she went to the shop for a bottle of milk 2 week ago and hasn't come back, I asked him how he was coping

He said I've been using the powdered milk its bloody horrible

I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said "Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?"

She responded "That's because it's an Evian"

Edit 1: Thanks for the awards kind stranger!!!!!

Edit 2: I've never got this many awards! I wish I could give you all one back!!!

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Little Johhny was playing with a bottle in the street

when a priest happend to be walking by and said "what are you doing there sonny"
he said, "im playing with this bottle of sulphuric acid"
The priest, shocked said "don't you realise thats very dangerous!? Here, look. I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water.
Little Johnny said "oh, no way"...

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

A Democrat and a Republican were walking along the beach when they spotted a bottle.

They picked it up and a genie popped out.

"I will grant you each one wish, whatever you desire", said the genie.

The Democrat said, "I would like for my fellow liberals and I to live the life and exist under the form of government we believe in!" POOF! All the Democrats in America were...

What’s the difference between a fetish and a hobby?

***Depends where you stick the ship in a bottle after you finish painting it…***

A Rabbi, a priest, and a preacher are out in a boat one day.

The rabbi tells the two he’s hungry, so he steps out of the boat and walks across the water to land, where he claims his snack.


Shortly later the priest decides he’s thirsty, so like the rabbi, steps out the boat and walks across the water to land, getting a bottle of water.


Th...

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,<...

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

Why is an empty champagne bottle like an orphan?

Because it has lost its pops

People and bottles are very similar

If they get alcohol inside them they will get drunk

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