A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

My dad is an avid bottle collector.

Well it sounds better than alcoholic.

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” The officer asks.

“Just water,” says the priest.

“Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*

Student: No it won't dissolve sir.

Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?

Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

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I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.

However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus:

I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

A man is walk on the beach, when he kicks a bottle.

Poof, out pops a genie. The genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother in-law gets double. Understanding the rule, the mans first wish is a billion dollars. The genie says, “ this means your mother in-law will get 2 billion”. “That’s fine”, replies the...

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Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

My 10 year old just opened a childproof pill bottle

“Welcome to adulthood, son.”

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A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

His wife is dead.

A drunk guy stumbled upon a genie bottle

He says "hey genie, I get three wishes right? I want ten more bottles of jack Daniels" to which the genie replies "ten more?!?!?!?!? Are yous sure? You're already wasted enough" to which the guy relies " you can't judge me! You're the one that lives in the bottle!"

Tried to get video of Chuck Norris kicking a cap off a bottle.

But the cap fled in terror before it happened.

A guy walks up to the liquor store counter and tries to buy a bottle of whiskey with a fake $20 bill.

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming!! She grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter over and over and until he was out cold.

She was so upset that she had a counter fit.

I dared my friend into running into a cucumber field holding a bottle of vinegar... my friend tripped and spilled vinegar everywhere. Shortly afterwards, a farmer came to check on the commotion and began scolding my friend...

Guess my friend got himself in a bit of a
Pickle.

Why did the blonde go through a hole bottle of shampoo while taking a shower?

The directions said lather,rinse,repeat.

What did the alien say to the coke bottle?

Take me to your liter

If a group of anti-vaxx kids play spin the bottle

Is it considered a mass suicide?

I got a bottle of wine for my mother-in-law

It was a great trade.

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

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The teacher gave

her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher re...

I was asked to bring a bottle to a friends party but I brought a spoon instead.

It caused quite a stir.

A man's head was found on the beach the other night and there was a note in a bottle next to him,

It said "I don't need no body".

A man walking along the beach found a bottle

When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."

The man thought about this for...

A man walking on the beach stumbled on a bottle.

He picked it up and pulled the cork and a genie jumped out.

Genie: Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you one wish.

Man: I've heard this one, whatever I wish for will come back and bite me.

Genie: Nah man I won't do that. In fact if that happens I'll give you unlimited wishe...

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A drinking problem."

How are cats like empty wine bottles?

I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

A man is walking down a beach when he spots a bottle with a cork in it.

He opens the bottle and out comes a genie. The genie is grateful to be out of the bottle and offers the man three wishes to be granted.

The man first wishes for a billion dollars in an offshore Swiss bank account. There's a flash of light and in his hand is a receipt for a billion dollars in...

The local prison just bought 500 bottles of Proactiv.

They’re trying to prevent breakouts.

A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle

A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle. The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one. But if he wants to, he can take the cat, which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.

The next day the man goes back to st...

I just saw some idiot at the gym

he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Guy rubs genie bottle and he gives him 3 wishes but...

The genie tells him there's a catch:
"anything you wish for, your mother-in-law with get double the amount and more!"

Guy is fine with that.

Guy:"I wish I was the richest man in the world!"

Poof, mother in law becomes richest woman in the world.

Guy: "Ok, I want to be...

I ate a bottle of glue and they say I’ll probably die but I haven’t yet so...

I’m sticking with my guts on this one

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other about luck....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!




Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!



Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

I got into a fight in the drug store and they threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me.

Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.

So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard

'Twas saucepicious

A man finds a genie in a bottle…

Naturally, he was granted 3 wishes. But this was no ordinary ‘Genie In A Bottle’ - his requirements are that whatever the beholder wishes for, his mother-in-law got double. Although he despised his mother-in-law (and likewise with her feelings towards him), he knew made the best of this situation....

How does a bottle of glue named Ed answer the phone?

Ed here

This guy came at me with a bottle of milk.

How dairy

A wife was struggling opening a water bottle and asked the husband for help, "Are you turning the cap right?" He asked. "Of course!" she said.

She doesn't understand Lefty is loosey and Righty is tighty

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3 black men found a bottle...

They found a bottle next to a tree. They uncork the bottle and a Genie appeared and told them each one has one wish.

The first one said, i want to marry neighbors daughter but i cant because i am black and they don’t like black people. Make me white please. The genie granted him his wish. Th...

I always finish the bottle when drinking...

I mean think about all the sober kids in Africa

A man and his wife are grocery shopping.

The man sees a case of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the cart.

“What are you doing?” asks his wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.” he responds.

“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”

Without another word, the man obeys his wife and puts the case...

What’s the same about an orphan boy and a champagne bottle without a cork?

They both lost their pop

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A guy finds a Genie in a bottle...

**A Genie zooms out of the bottle and shouts "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM MY MYSTICAL CHAMBER! YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES!"**

*The guy says "Ha, Make it four"*

**The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE GRANTED! YOU NOW HAVE THREE WISHES LEFT!"**

*The guy stumbles "O...

To the guy who stole my bottle of antidepressants ...

I hope your happy now.

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Three couples are waiting to enter the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells them, "I can tell how a man lived his life based upon the name of his wife. First couple, please step forward."

So, the first couple steps forward and St. Peter asks the guy, "What is your wife's name?" The guy says, "Her name is Penny."

St. Peter gives a disapproving...

My girlfriend is like a bottle of ketchup

I always have to slap her on the bottom to get her to come

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and orders a shot of whisky. While his drink is being poured, the man spots a jar of ten dollar bills sitting by the peanuts labeled, “bar challenge”.
Curious, the man asked the bartender what was up with that.
“That there is the current jackpot for this months bar challen...

Every wonder why Republicans use two hands when they’re drinking out of a water bottle?

It’s to prevent it from trickling down.

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
...

A man is walking along the beach, when he trips over something, looks down and sees an old bottle. He picks it up and out pops a genie. "I will give you one wish and only one. What will it be?" The man thinks and thinks...

He lives in California and really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying, so he asks the genie.

"I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, over the Pacific ocean."

The genie looks at him for a bit.

He says, "No, no, no. Sorry, but a bridge over the Pacific? That is too ...

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A gambler walks into a bar...

He sits down, orders a beer and starts a conversation with the bartender. The bartender asks what brings him to town. The gambler says “I make my living going around gambling on things.” “Like on sports?” Asks the bartender. The gambler replies “No, I bet on anything and I never lose any money... ...

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and...

How do you fit 2 elephants in a bottle without them touching each other?

You put a third in between them

Little Johnny walked into a Bar

Little Johnny walked into a Bar and
aggressively shouted his order to the bar man,
”Please give me half chicken tandoori and then
give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton,
bcoz when I eat, I want everyone to eat!”
Bar man processed his request and gave him
his
meal and everyon...

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?

They're both empty from the neck up.

There’s one good thing about being hit in the head with a bottle of Coca Cola

It’s a soft drink

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A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey

The brothel keeper asks how she could help him. He replies "I need a woman, because mine has left me."

Brothel Keeper: Why? Also what's with the honeycomb and the donkey?

Dwarf: My wife found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first she asked for a home fit for ...

A man is walking home late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, th...

I dropped 3 bottles of vodka in the parking lot today...

I really can't hold my liquor.

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if y...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what...

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A young Doctor opened a small office to provide care to an Indian reservation.

One day, an Indian arrives to the office, looks at the Doctor and says:

*-Big Chief. No poop.*

The Doctor smiles. He says: -*Say no more!*

He opens a cabinet and takes a small bottle with a Syrup. He gives it to the Indian with easy instructions:

*-Tell the Chief he nee...

How big are water bottles in North Korea?

One supreme liter.

[Long]Husband takes wife to play golf.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy driv...

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A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer

The Bartender says “that’ll be a dollar”
The guy thinks “man, that’s cheap” but the beer turned out to be delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” the bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle, opening it, aerating ...

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Romance and music

I got into the house tonight and there was a lovely smell of a joint roasting.

Candles were lit, there was some chill out music playing and a bottle of wine was on the coffee table with two glasses.

I smiled and went into the kitchen, where she had her back to me.

I watched her ...

One night, a wife buys two bottles of vodka, and the next morning she checks on the bottles and tells her husband,

“Last night I bought two bottles of vodka, and today there is only one left. Where did it go?”

The husband responds, “There were two?”

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Man goes into a supermarket:

He buys 1 casserole 1 bottle of wine and 1 yogurt for afters.

Beautiful Cashier says to him, are you single, embarrassed and flattered he says, how did you guess?

She replied because you are fucking ugly:

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer

None. It should already be open when she hands it to you.

Three drunk guys stumble upon a magic lamp

Inside, there was a Genie who gives each one of them one wish, anything they want to.

The first guy said "Hic-I want a bottle of beer please", and the first guy got a beer

Second guy said "Give me, hic-one more please", and the second guy got a beer

Lastly, third guy said "Give ...

A 9yr old girl disappeared today after using moisturiser...

Well.. the bottle did say *"look 10yrs younger!"*

My grandmother is over 80 and she still doesn't need glasses.

Drinks straight from the bottle.

Today I took the only water bottle that wasn't frozen to class.



Long story short, which one of my friends left a water bottle full of vodka in my car ?

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey...

"Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.
...

Joe: Can you check for monsters under my bed, mom?

Mom: He's not under your bed, sweetie. He's downstairs under his fifth bottle of beer.

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What causes arthritis

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turn...

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.

“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”

The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.

“No, that’s our prize money.”

“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar com...

What did the motivational speaker ask the bottle of water?

Do you have what it takes to be a liter?

Got a message in a bottle from the river today

It was current news

What do you call it when you drink 5 bottles of water?

Urine trouble!

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A thief stole a bottle of laxatives, mistaking them for perscription painkillers.

After he found out, he nearly shit himself.

Timmy and the priest #1

One day little Timmy is sitting on the front porch contemplating a bottle of turpentine. A priest walks by and asks Timmy what he has.

"Well, Father this here is the most powerful liquid in the world. This here is turpentine."

"Actually, Timmy, the most powerful liquid in the world is...

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

When I have a headache, I take an Advil and follow the instructions on the bottle:



"KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"



(based on Kauffman, G. and Blakeley M. eds. 1980. Pulling Our Own Strings. Page 51)

A cowboy walks into a bar...

After a week's worth of riding a lone cowboy walks into a bar which was known to pick on new people. He has a few drinks, chats with the locals and a few hours pass.

When he walks outside he notices his horse is no where to be seen, surely the locals have moved it. So he walks into the bar an...

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A sad guy walks into a bar and asks for a whole bottle of vodka

The bartender sits the bottle in front of him and asks "oh boy, you look like shit, what happened?". The man answers "I just found out my brother is gay".

The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar and asks for two bottles of vodka. The bartender asks "ok, what happened this time?", t...

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into t...

I asked my wife why there was an empty milk bottle in the fridge?

"In case someone wants a black coffee."

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So there was this recently separated guy...

So there was this recently separated good looking guy, he was just driving to the movies to watch a film that he’d been waiting to see for ages. Anyhow, as he crosses a junction in the road a car came flying out and t-boned him good. ‘Christ sake’ he thought to himself, ‘I’m just getting over losing...

A guy finds a genie bottle

Rubs it and the genie says “okay you’ve got three wishes, but new rule is your ex-wife gets double”

Guys not happy but says “for my first wish I want 5 billion dollars tax free”

Genie “boom you got it, now your ex-wife has 10 billion tax free dollars”

Guy “yeah, ok fine next wis...

What’s the hardest part of giving birth to a shampoo bottle?

Head and shoulders

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A man was walking across a desert with his camel

A man was walking across a desert with his camel. It had been close to 10 days since the two had left the last oasis.

In the blazing heat, the man decided to take a sip of water. But noticing that he had only a few ounces of water left, he decided to save it for later.

The blazing hea...

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A woman rings the surgery to ask about a pregnancy test

The receptionist makes an appointment and says "Be sure to bring in a urine sample". The woman says "okay" and hangs up, then turns to her husband and says "What's a urine sample?". He looks puzzled and says "I don't know, it's not like I've ever been for a pregnancy test. But Betty next door has, w...

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