UPJOKE

sciencearithmeticgeometrymathematiciancalculusnumbermathematicsalgebralogicnumber theoryengineeringphysicstrigonometrybiologymathematical

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An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

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The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...

EDIT: Holy, this blew up fast. Kind of like when the teacher gives me $20, but less sticky, ...

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...

EDIT: Holy, this blew up fast. Kind of like when the teacher gives me $20, but less sticky, ...

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The next day they both went to plead with their

professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the ot...

professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the ot...

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The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

Ask them what "!" is

Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

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A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."

His father replies, "What happened?"

The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"

The father replies, "Well, that's correct."

The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, '...

His father replies, "What happened?"

The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"

The father replies, "Well, that's correct."

The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, '...

It sounds bad, I’m just glad we hit top ten.

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

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God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself.

The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell.

The...

The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell.

The...

I would have $7.20 by now

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He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight."

His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?"

Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework."

" And is this is how your teacher taught yo...

His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?"

Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework."

" And is this is how your teacher taught yo...

But I'm 2^2 to say it

How mean.

But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

“There are 3 birds on a wire, one gets shot, how many are left?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, “there are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”

Teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.

Johnny then inquired, “may I ask you a qu...

Little Johnny raises his hand, “there are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”

Teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.

Johnny then inquired, “may I ask you a qu...

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The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

I think he must be plotting something.

I'd have $6.30 right now

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says “You guys need to learn your limits.”

A lawyer writes a letter to his wife Janie...

My Dear Janie,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not...

My Dear Janie,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not...

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

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You add the bed, subtract the clothes, and divide the legs — then hope you don't multiply.

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"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”.

I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”

I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”

And those who aren't.

Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes.

He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the radius of the explosion.

He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the radius of the explosion.

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Because you have a lot of fucking problems I don't want to deal with.

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The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

There was once a convention for blondes intended to make them feel more confident.

At the first get together as a group, the host asked for a volunteer from the audience. when the blonde came up he announced to the audience that he was going to ask a few simple, math questions. He turne...

At the first get together as a group, the host asked for a volunteer from the audience. when the blonde came up he announced to the audience that he was going to ask a few simple, math questions. He turne...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

17: Hey 11, want to hear a joke?

11: Sure.

17: What did one prime number say to the other prime number?

11: I give up.

17: "I can't even."

11 and 17 together: HAHAHA!!!!!

2: I don't get it.

11: Sure.

17: What did one prime number say to the other prime number?

11: I give up.

17: "I can't even."

11 and 17 together: HAHAHA!!!!!

2: I don't get it.

You purchase a social media company for $45 billion. After you make a series of bad managerial decisions, your company loses a large portion of its ad revenue. What is the value of X?

Algebros

A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able ...

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The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

The answer is 5!

IM LIVID

This guy goes to interview for a job. He’s really nervous about it, because this job is a super big opportunity for him. He goes in, and the interviewer introduces herself, saying “Hi, my name is Karen”. They immediately start talking about the job, and the guy is answering all of Karen’s questions ...

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "

And the dog barked ten times.

"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "

And the dog barked twenty times.

"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "

"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding t...

And the dog barked ten times.

"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "

And the dog barked twenty times.

"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "

"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding t...

I told her I hope she gets a "C".

Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

Apparently, "I do." is not the correct answer.

Grow up and solve your own problems.

They're definitely plotting something.

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and l...

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and l...

An algae bra.

The math teacher asks Little Johnny: “If I give you 3 cats, and then another 3 cats, and then again another 3 cats, how many cats would you have?”

Little Johnny responds: “ten.”

Teacher: “Ok… that’s not correct, let’s do this again. But pay attention this time. If I gave you 3 cats, a...

Little Johnny responds: “ten.”

Teacher: “Ok… that’s not correct, let’s do this again. But pay attention this time. If I gave you 3 cats, a...

...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"

The student replied, "Two dollars."

"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.

"No," the student said, "you j...

The student replied, "Two dollars."

"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.

"No," the student said, "you j...

I can tell, cos there's no sin of his tan

Because their dog doesn’t eat their homework

I just couldn’t figure out the test problem log(na)^bo

It was just all bologna to me

It was just all bologna to me

She never called.

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...saying to himself, 2+5 the son of bitch is 7,

3+6 the son of bitch is 9

His mother heard this & asked "Why are you swearing?"

Boy, "Mom this is how the teacher taught us all."

Furious, the mother called the teacher: "Are u teaching math to children by saying 2+2, t...

3+6 the son of bitch is 9

His mother heard this & asked "Why are you swearing?"

Boy, "Mom this is how the teacher taught us all."

Furious, the mother called the teacher: "Are u teaching math to children by saying 2+2, t...

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Little Johnny has always been bad at math, never willing to study or apply himself. His parents never beat him, they did however move him from school to school hoping he would improve. Finally out of desperation, they took him to an all Catholic school. Within one week little Johnny improved. He wou...

You look at your x and try to figure out y.

Because instead of dividing, they separated

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You don't get extra points for being fast.

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Because they multiply by dividing.

It was a hard addition to get over.

I just gotta get me sum.

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When it’s hard, sometimes you have to work it out with a pencil and paper.

I loved her a lot. She was the only Sin 0° for me :(

To time square.

…Thank you for encouraging me to make a difference.

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While working, he says “1 plus 1, the son of a bitch is 2. 2 plus 2, the son of a bitch is 4”.

His mom hears him an in shock, she cries “what did you just say?” The boy replies “this is what the teacher says during arithmetic: 4 plus 4, the son of a bitch is 8.” His mother freaked “okay, I’m ...

His mom hears him an in shock, she cries “what did you just say?” The boy replies “this is what the teacher says during arithmetic: 4 plus 4, the son of a bitch is 8.” His mother freaked “okay, I’m ...

A methematician.

Inequalities

Not unless you Count Dracula.

Happy Spooktober everyone.

Happy Spooktober everyone.

They don’t like calculus.

On the board it is written 5-7+2=0.

The policemen are very confused so the teacher says "Look, it is very simple. Let me give you an example".

Let's say that there is a bus with 5 people in it. On the next stop 7 people get off the bus. How many people need to get in the bus so the bus...

The policemen are very confused so the teacher says "Look, it is very simple. Let me give you an example".

Let's say that there is a bus with 5 people in it. On the next stop 7 people get off the bus. How many people need to get in the bus so the bus...

One has problems, and the other has solutions.

It helps with division.

Boy: Can I get your number?

Girl: Sorry I have a boyfriend

Boy: I have a math test

Girl: Why are you telling me this?

Boy: Oh i thought we were mentioning things we can cheat on

Girl: Sorry I have a boyfriend

Boy: I have a math test

Girl: Why are you telling me this?

Boy: Oh i thought we were mentioning things we can cheat on

The average maths joke is pretty mean

can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

That is, I struggle with heroine addition

Because they were x’s

In a certain tribe, in which polygamy was practiced, a married man’s standing in the tribe depended upon the combined weight of his wives-the greater the combined weight, the more important was the man. Every year, on weighing day and according to custom, the married men would stand their wives on n...

99.8% people have problems with math.

I’m glad I’m in the remaining 1%.

I’m glad I’m in the remaining 1%.

It had lots of problems.

[My little brother told me this earlier.]

[My little brother told me this earlier.]

I do them in my mind if they're under 12

I was able to work it out with my pencil.

A radian.

Math majors don't use degrees.

Math majors don't use degrees.

After all, they can count to 15 on their fingers.

Polygon

Teacher: "Ok, Jimmy. If I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "No, Jimmy. Let me ask you another way. If I give you two apples and I give you another two apples, how many apples would you have?"

Jimmy: "Four!"

Tea...

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "No, Jimmy. Let me ask you another way. If I give you two apples and I give you another two apples, how many apples would you have?"

Jimmy: "Four!"

Tea...

That's what I call a significant figure.

I have trouble differentiating them. They aren't an integral part of my life and most of the time they just don't add up.

Because it gives them square roots!

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.

They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him ...

They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him ...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F's, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.

After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without...

After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without...

"What’s 9 plus 9?”

“12”.

“What’s 8 and 8?”

“10”.

The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”

The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.

“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

“12”.

“What’s 8 and 8?”

“10”.

The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”

The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.

“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

I was supposed to teach the kids what sine divided by cosine was, but I kept going off on a tangent.

The rest 37% are dumbasses though

Because they don't like to drink and derive.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

A: To get to the same side!

A: To get to the same side!

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

He put root beer into his square glass

But im 2² to say it

The teacher asks Lindsey, "What would your mother do if she had 7 kids, but only 4 apples?" Lindsey says, "She'd make applesauce!"

And yes, this joke is from the days before tape diagrams...

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All the boys would be entranced by her amazing figure, and they have a hard time paying attention. Meanwhile all the girls are jealous because she’s stealing all of their men.

One day, she was giving a lecture on graphing, so she told everyone to pull out their calculators. One boy’s calcula...

One day, she was giving a lecture on graphing, so she told everyone to pull out their calculators. One boy’s calcula...

I should have known. All the sines were there. He had a hard time functioning, and he would go off on tangents all the time. Such a shame - he was in his prime, his life was on a great vector. He wanted to write the next 'Matrix'. But now, he can't differentiate between what is real and what is imag...

We know…Hilfiger it out.

But art class is where I draw the line.

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