UPJOKE
sciencearithmeticgeometrymathematiciancalculusnumbermathematicspure mathematicsalgebralogicnumber theoryengineeringphysicstrigonometrybiology

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their
professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the ot...

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A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer?

Ask them what "!" is

85%of people in America don't know basic math.

Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

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Bad Math Grade

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, '...

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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


EDIT: Holy, this blew up fast. Kind of like when the teacher gives me $20, but less sticky, ...

The US has placed 18th for math…

It sounds bad, I’m just glad we hit top ten.

If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed

I would have $7.20 by now

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Little Johnny was doing his maths homework.

He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight."
His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework."
" And is this is how your teacher taught yo...

My math teacher called me average...

How mean.

A teacher asks her students a simple math question…

“There are 3 birds on a wire, one gets shot, how many are left?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, “there are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”

Teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.

Johnny then inquired, “may I ask you a qu...

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A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

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A math teacher, a gym teacher, and a stoner die and arrive in heaven at the same time.

God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself.

The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell.

The...

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

My Math teacher told me 0! = 1

But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1

Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

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Sex is like math

You add the bed, subtract the clothes, and divide the legs — then hope you don't multiply.

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"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.

She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”.

I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”

I had a scary math joke...

But I'm 2^2 to say it

My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says “You guys need to learn your limits.”

You do the Math

A lawyer writes a letter to his wife Janie...

My Dear Janie,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not...

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

There are 3 types of people in the world; those who are good at math...

And those who aren't.

Pakistani math problem.

Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes.
He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the radius of the explosion.

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Damn girl are you a math book?

Because you have a lot of fucking problems I don't want to deal with.

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now

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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

Blonde Math

There was once a convention for blondes intended to make them feel more confident.

At the first get together as a group, the host asked for a volunteer from the audience. when the blonde came up he announced to the audience that he was going to ask a few simple, math questions. He turne...

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

Yeah, it's a math joke

17: Hey 11, want to hear a joke?

11: Sure.

17: What did one prime number say to the other prime number?

11: I give up.

17: "I can't even."

11 and 17 together: HAHAHA!!!!!

2: I don't get it.

Just a little math problem for everyone

You purchase a social media company for $45 billion. After you make a series of bad managerial decisions, your company loses a large portion of its ad revenue. What is the value of X?

What do you call two guy best friends who love math?

Algebros

A bad math joke I came up with

A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able ...

My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals.

I told her I hope she gets a "C".

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

Little Johnny doing Math

The math teacher asks Little Johnny: “If I give you 3 cats, and then another 3 cats, and then again another 3 cats, how many cats would you have?”

Little Johnny responds: “ten.”

Teacher: “Ok… that’s not correct, let’s do this again. But pay attention this time. If I gave you 3 cats, a...

Just some little maths. Solve carefully: 230 - 220 x 0.5

The answer is 5!

I failed my math exam because I couldn’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals

IM LIVID

I came up with this in math class

This guy goes to interview for a job. He’s really nervous about it, because this job is a super big opportunity for him. He goes in, and the interviewer introduces herself, saying “Hi, my name is Karen”. They immediately start talking about the job, and the guy is answering all of Karen’s questions ...

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding t...

Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?

Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69.

Apparently, "I do." is not the correct answer.

Dear Math,

Grow up and solve your own problems.

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're definitely plotting something.

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and l...

What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

An algae bra.

Why are relationships like math?

You look at your x and try to figure out y.

Why did my parents fail math class?

Because instead of dividing, they separated

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Math is like sex...

You don't get extra points for being fast.

A teacher was giving a math lesson...

...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"

The student replied, "Two dollars."

"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.

"No," the student said, "you j...

My maths teacher never goes outside

I can tell, cos there's no sin of his tan

Why are Chinese kids so good at math?

Because their dog doesn’t eat their homework

A super nerdy math joke: Graham gave his number to a girl once.

She never called.

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A little boy was doing his math homework

...saying to himself, 2+5 the son of bitch is 7,

3+6 the son of bitch is 9

His mother heard this & asked "Why are you swearing?"

Boy, "Mom this is how the teacher taught us all."

Furious, the mother called the teacher: "Are u teaching math to children by saying 2+2, t...

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Little Johnny is bad at math

Little Johnny has always been bad at math, never willing to study or apply himself. His parents never beat him, they did however move him from school to school hoping he would improve. Finally out of desperation, they took him to an all Catholic school. Within one week little Johnny improved. He wou...

Math

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Why are bacteria so bad at maths?

Because they multiply by dividing.

Math is hard

I just couldn’t figure out the test problem log(na)^bo

It was just all bologna to me

I've been sober from math for three weeks.

It was a hard addition to get over.

One of the many problems I deal with: I'm a Math addict

I just gotta get me sum.

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Pooping is a lot like math.

When it’s hard, sometimes you have to work it out with a pencil and paper.

My wife divorced me because of my erroneous Math jokes....

I loved her a lot. She was the only Sin 0° for me :(

Where do math teachers go on vacation?

To time square.

To my elementary school math teacher who first taught me subtraction…

…Thank you for encouraging me to make a difference.

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A first grader is working on his math homework

While working, he says “1 plus 1, the son of a bitch is 2. 2 plus 2, the son of a bitch is 4”.

His mom hears him an in shock, she cries “what did you just say?” The boy replies “this is what the teacher says during arithmetic: 4 plus 4, the son of a bitch is 8.” His mother freaked “okay, I’m ...

What do you call a drug dealer with a math degree?

A methematician.

What do you learn in both Math and Social Studies class?

Inequalities

Are Monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

Happy Spooktober everyone.

Why don’t dentists like math?

They don’t like calculus.

The police are having a math class

On the board it is written 5-7+2=0.

The policemen are very confused so the teacher says "Look, it is very simple. Let me give you an example".

Let's say that there is a bus with 5 people in it. On the next stop 7 people get off the bus. How many people need to get in the bus so the bus...

What's the difference between a math book and a chemistry book?

One has problems, and the other has solutions.

Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?

It helps with division.

Math Test

Boy: Can I get your number?

Girl: Sorry I have a boyfriend

Boy: I have a math test

Girl: Why are you telling me this?

Boy: Oh i thought we were mentioning things we can cheat on

This is why I don't tell Math jokes

The average maths joke is pretty mean

Only in math problems…

can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

I must confess I have difficulties doing maths with badass women

That is, I struggle with heroine addition

Why weren’t the two math variables speaking to each other?

Because they were x’s

Prehistoric math joke

In a certain tribe, in which polygamy was practiced, a married man’s standing in the tribe depended upon the combined weight of his wives-the greater the combined weight, the more important was the man. Every year, on weighing day and according to custom, the married men would stand their wives on n...

Math

99.8% people have problems with math.


I’m glad I’m in the remaining 1%.

Why was the math book sad?

It had lots of problems.

[My little brother told me this earlier.]

Girls are like math tables

I do them in my mind if they're under 12

Today, while constipated, I decided to solve a difficult math problem.

I was able to work it out with my pencil.

What do math majors get when they graduate?

A radian.

Math majors don't use degrees.

I hear that kids from Chernobyl are really good at math.

After all, they can count to 15 on their fingers.

What did the math teacher say when the parrot escaped?

Polygon

An elementary school teacher is asking a student a Maths question

Teacher: "Ok, Jimmy. If I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "No, Jimmy. Let me ask you another way. If I give you two apples and I give you another two apples, how many apples would you have?"

Jimmy: "Four!"

Tea...

My maths teacher is also a successful model...

That's what I call a significant figure.

Math jokes never work on me

I have trouble differentiating them. They aren't an integral part of my life and most of the time they just don't add up.

Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots!

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him ...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F's, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.

After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without...

A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math

"What’s 9 plus 9?”
“12”.
“What’s 8 and 8?”
“10”.
The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”
The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

I got fired from my job as a math teacher

I was supposed to teach the kids what sine divided by cosine was, but I kept going off on a tangent.

My in depth research says that 73% people are good at maths

The rest 37% are dumbasses though

Why don't math majors like to drink alcohol?

Because they don't like to drink and derive.

When your Dad is a math teacher you grow up with jokes like this...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

A: To get to the same side!

Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

How did the math teacher make beer?

He put root beer into his square glass

I found out my friend is addicted to math.

I should have known. All the sines were there. He had a hard time functioning, and he would go off on tangents all the time. Such a shame - he was in his prime, his life was on a great vector. He wanted to write the next 'Matrix'. But now, he can't differentiate between what is real and what is imag...

I have a maths joke...

But im 2² to say it

In math class the students are learning about fractions.



The teacher asks Lindsey, "What would your mother do if she had 7 kids, but only 4 apples?" Lindsey says, "She'd make applesauce!"



And yes, this joke is from the days before tape diagrams...

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So this supermodel is teaching math class

All the boys would be entranced by her amazing figure, and they have a hard time paying attention. Meanwhile all the girls are jealous because she’s stealing all of their men.

One day, she was giving a lecture on graphing, so she told everyone to pull out their calculators. One boy’s calcula...

Whenever we are stuck trying to solve a math problem, we always go to our friend Tommy for help.

We know…Hilfiger it out.

I’m fine with substitute teaching math, science.. even music.

But art class is where I draw the line.

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