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Alternative Jokes

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

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Alternative Ventriloquist

Dude goes into see a talent agent. He says to him "I have got a great act for you. We will make a fortune."

"Ok, fine, tell me what you do."

"I can talk and sing out of my arsehole."

"Wow! Ok show me!"

Dude jumps up on the agent's desk, drops his trousers, and curls out a...

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

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What is an alternative term for anal bleaching?

Changing your ring tone.

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The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.

So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,

"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"

The h...

What’s a blind persons alternative to a seesaw?

A hearheard

Alternative nursery rhymes

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

What do you call alternative medicine that actually works?

Medicine

What's the alternative name for Fake Taxi??

Screw Driver

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Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

My coworker keeps complaining about his lunch being stolen from the break room fridge.

Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.

Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.

Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.

I hope he...

Alternative

Dad, what is an *alternative*?

That's a tough one, son. I'll have to explain it by example.

Say, you use your savings to buy a few chickens. But you don't eat them for dinner, you wait until they mature into hens and roosters. They mate and voila, you've got dozens of fresh eggs. But.....

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[NSFW] What's an alternative name for Cock And Ball Torture ?

Crack 'N' Jack

What are a gang member's favorite alternative medicine?

Homie-opathy

What is a dyslexic person's preferred alternative energy source?

It's unclear

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I've been having sex with an English teacher

She told me that proper use of the colon is a great alternative when a period is expected.

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

The bee movie script is a lesser used alternative to a rick roll.

A bee roll if you will.

I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative...

It sure is hard to keep lit.

A German city is the first in the world to get rid of school lunches and replace them with a bug-based alternative..

A spokesperson for the school said that they’ve had to fight an onslaught of misinformation about the program like the ridiculous theory that world is controlled by lizard people.

"Have you considered using an alternative name for hell?"

"I heaven't."

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

Apparently the French have their own alternative for marijuana.

They call it “ouid”.

All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper...

Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!

I've been having dreams about being in an alternative rock band

must be all that R.E.M. sleep I've been getting.

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

Bono from U2 says he's given up on alternative search engines like Bing and will just use google from now on.

He still hasn't found what he's looking for

What’s an alternative term for a rabbi?

Pennywise

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

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My wife and I are going to start an alternative religious store

Holy Shit

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Birth control alternatives

A husband and wife walk into a doctors office looking for alternative options for birth control as the pill is quite hormoney and the husband is allergic to latex.

They ask the doctor "we've been thinking about exclusively practising anal sex, surely there's no pregnancy risk there!"

D...

What does the Trump administration use instead of emails?

Alternative fax.

A guy phoned and asked if I was interested in switching to an alternative energy supply...

I said “ No, I think I’ll stick with food thanks!”

I just heard a huge oil company is planning on using insect urine as a source for an alternative fuel.

I think its BP.

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My crush just messaged me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

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A long time ago in alternative universe far, far away, Grand Moff Tarkin is having sex with Princess Leia.

'Come!' she whispers breathlessly.

'Ejaculate?!' he cries. 'In my moment of triumph?'

What do you call the "Alternative Facts Handbook"?

The Bible

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is alternative?"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is alternative?"

Dad says, “It may be difficult for you to understand, so let me give you an example.

Imagine that you work at a factory. You work hard, struggle year after year and you finally save up enough money to purchase a small farm. ...

Are you fond of alternative sources for cooling technologies?

I'm a huge fan.

My fiance isn't too happy about me referring to her as my alternative second choice...

I thought she was my wife 2 b?

A son asks dad, daddy what does the word alternatives mean ?

Dad thinks for a bit and explains.

Say, you can go to a store and buy a case of eggs. You could make an omelette, but you could also try and put the eggs in a nest, get a hatching light, and hatch the chicken. Then you'll feed them, breed them, watch em grow up, get some roosters in the mix....

My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using screws or nails as fasteners.

I told her yes... and it's riveting.

I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...

It seems saner.

Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.

The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"

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