I just heard a huge oil company is planning on using insect urine as a source for an alternative fuel.

I think its BP.

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My wife and I are going to start an alternative religious store

Holy Shit

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A long time ago in alternative universe far, far away, Grand Moff Tarkin is having sex with Princess Leia.

'Come!' she whispers breathlessly.

'Ejaculate?!' he cries. 'In my moment of triumph?'

What alternative surname would work for Trump right now?

Ection. Mr Ection.

What do you call alternative medicine that works?

Medicine.

Apparently the French have their own alternative for marijuana.

They call it “ouid”.

A lady and her husband arr at the hospital to give birth to their baby

Just before the operation, she starts to get panic attacks due to stories she's heard of the immense pain. The doctors offer an alternative solution.

Doctor: "We've procured a machine that transfers the pain felt by the mother to the father. But be warned, the pain will be like nothing you've...

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

What is a dyslexic person's preferred alternative energy source?

It's unclear

Alternative nursery rhymes

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

I thought of an alternative title for john wick

Keanu grieves

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The bish and the donkey.

A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. So the parish comes up with the idea to pool their money and buy a race horse. The collection is done, and when the pastor goes shopping, he only has enough for a donkey. Nonetheless he buys the donkey and enters it int...

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Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

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Hunting

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my c...

I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative...

Sure is hard to keep it lit.

A kindergarten teacher tells her students that sharing is caring.

A kindergarten teacher tells her students that sharing is caring. She says she wants them all to show that they care by sharing something.

The Russian kid gives everyone a shot of vodka.

The Colombian kid hands out cocaine.

The American kid runs towards the window and attempts...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Husband and wife have trouble conceiving.

So they go to the doctor. By the end of the visit, the doctor determines it’s their stress causing the problem and their constant planning is a major contributor.

He tells them not to worry and as soon as they are in the mood, don’t hesitate and make love.

A month later they come bac...

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What is an alternative term for anal bleaching?

Changing your ring tone.

"Have you considered using an alternative name for hell?"

"I heaven't."

Did you hear about the politician who wants our public transportation to run on alternative fuels?

He promises to make the trains run on Thyme.

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

What’s an alternative term for a rabbi?

Pennywise

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

John Oliver have created few years back the site where you can "Scream something into the void". Sadly that site is now deleted, but I have found an alternative.

It's called the customer support.

A son asks dad, daddy what does the word alternatives mean ?

Dad thinks for a bit and explains.

Say, you can go to a store and buy a case of eggs. You could make an omelette, but you could also try and put the eggs in a nest, get a hatching light, and hatch the chicken. Then you'll feed them, breed them, watch em grow up, get some roosters in the mix....

My fiance isn't too happy about me referring to her as my alternative second choice...

I thought she was my wife 2 b?

Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.

Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.

Time passed on a...

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Birth control alternatives

A husband and wife walk into a doctors office looking for alternative options for birth control as the pill is quite hormoney and the husband is allergic to latex.

They ask the doctor "we've been thinking about exclusively practising anal sex, surely there's no pregnancy risk there!"

D...

What's the alternative name for the pregnancy test?

Maybe baby

Why is Communism like Internet Explorer?

They both make you look for alternatives!

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is alternative?"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is alternative?"

Dad says, “It may be difficult for you to understand, so let me give you an example.

Imagine that you work at a factory. You work hard, struggle year after year and you finally save up enough money to purchase a small farm. ...

Ernie's roommate asks him if he wants to go out for ice cream. Ernie refuses and proposes an alternative, but his roommate does not understand the response:

Sherbert!

My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using screws or nails as fasteners.

I told her yes... and it's riveting.

What do you call the "Alternative Facts Handbook"?

The Bible

I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...

It seems saner.

I don't know if those french jokes exist in english but here they are

1. The classic
A man walks into a coffee and calls around "Hey all, it's me !". They all turn around, turns out it wasn't him.

2. The other classic
A man walks into a coffee.
Sploosh

3. The alternative
A blind man walks into a bar. And then into a table. And then into a cha...

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what "ternative" means?

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Donald Trump is not a rapist.

He's an "alternative romantic."

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

Did you hear about the episode concept for Doctor Who where The Doctor accidentally falls into a food themed alternative dimension?

He was attacked by The Garlics

I used to use the word Alternative in sentences a lot...

But then I learned it meant something different.

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