A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend

she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then ...

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A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

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A man reads the prices during his first visit to a brothel

20 bucks for a hand job, 40 for a blow job, 120 for intercourse. Everything makes sense until he reaches the end of the list. He asks the proprietor why double penetration is only $20.

“Oh, well because they say one in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

What did the comedy club proprietor say to the FedEx guy?

The jokes are ok but you need to work on your delivery.

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Rob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said "today is my birthday, i'm feeling LUCKY and I guess 8".

The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky numb...

[LONG][OC] An American tourist visits Russia and finds ...

An American tourist visits Russia and finds out there are way way more firearm stores than in Texas where he's from.

At every store, there is a firearms dealer license prominently featuring the proprietor's photo, their name and license number. He's very surprised that many of the proprietor...

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Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

A couple is on their honeymoon in the Caribbean, and they go into a shop so the husband can get his ear pierced.

They walk up to the counter, and the husband says, "I'd like to get my ear pierced to celebrate our honeymoon! How much will that cost?"

The shopkeeper replies, "It'll be $20, plus the cost of the earring you get. If that works for you, you can go pick out the earring while I set up to pierce...

Use the word 'and' fives times in a row.

In exchange for lunch, a starving artist offered to paint a new sign for "The King and Queen" pub. Of course the proprietor quickly agreed, but when he saw the new sign he was not entirely pleased.
"There should be a bit more space between King and And, and And and King"

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A man with an itch goes to a house of ill repute. He walks in and is greeted by a seedy looking man with a vast array of keys behind him...

“I have $100, what will that get me?” Asks the client.

Grabbing a key behind him the proprietor turns around and tells the man, “second floor, down the hall, third door on the right.”

After a bit the man passes by on his way out the door and tells the proprietor, “that was the best sex...

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A man goes on a business trip

Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter.

The old man said "We have vi...

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A nun goes into a liquor store....

And asks for a fifth of brandy. The proprietor is nervous about selling alcohol to a nun. The Sister says, conspiratorially, "It's for Mother Superior's constipation..." Understanding, he nods and sells her the brandy.
That night, after closing the store he goes outside and sees the same nun tota...

Wandering through the hot desert, a youthful looking man comes upon a tent. Intrigued, he ventures inside...

...there before him lies a table with three upright cups. Behind the table, grinning ear to ear, is the proprietor.

“Welcome! Welcome!”, the proprietor says. “Care to play? Only five shekels. Keep track of which cup has the bean under it and win double.”

Unmoved, the man replies, “Cert...

I saw a roadside stand with a sign that said "Lobster Tails-$2". So I stopped in and paid my $2.

Then the proprietor says, "Once upon a time, there was this lobster..."

A man walks into a bookstore...

...and asks the proprietor if he has any books by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

“Unfortunately, I suffer from a condition that makes me violently ill whenever I see one of his books, making me unable to carry them in my store.”

Stunned, the customer sputters, “You don’t mean...”

The ...

Brian wanted to be a miner ever since he was little

So one day when he hit that magical age of 21 he packed up all of his things and left his parents house. Too the grievance of his mother he moved a few states over. To a little mining village that like in the old days completely depended on their local gold mine. For some reason unlike all the other...

Where ya bin?

trashman knocks on the back door of an Asian restaurant.

The proprietor comes out

Trash man says: ‘where’s ya bin’

Asian proprietor says: ‘I bin to Hong Kong’

Trash man says: ‘no... where’s ya wheelie bin?’

Asian proprietor: ‘I wheely bin to hong kong’

Trash...

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A man walks into a brothel...

A man walks into a brothel. He walks up to the proprietor and says: "What can I get for $1?"

The proprietor says: "Go up the stairs and into the room on the right."

The man walks into the room and sits on the bed, when he notices a small door at the bottom of one of the walls. The door...

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A man walks into a Chinatown apothecary

He tells the proprietor that he has a date with a gorgeous woman that night. The woman, however has an incredible sex drive, and she has left every man she had ever been with after a single night because they could not satisfy her.

The proprietor nods his head and asks the man to wait. He g...

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Voodoo dick

A married couple is very happy in their life, but the husband took a new very lucrative job that is going to keep him away from home for weeks and possibly months at a time. He loves his wife and understands that she will have certain... needs while he's away, so he tells her, "Take the credit card,...

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Where's ya bin (full version)

A trash man knocks on the back door of an Asian restaurant.
The proprietor comes out and the trash man says: ‘where’s ya bin’

The Asian proprietor: ‘I bin to Hong Kong’

Trash man: ‘no... where’s ya wheelie bin?’

Asian proprietor: ‘I wheely bin to hong kong’

Trash man: ...

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A man is looking to buy a Canary for his wife...

A man walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file t...

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A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patc...

Soldier on leave

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to...

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Voodoo Dick

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.


One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a s...

A farmer walked into a hardware store

and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
“You won’t have to keep a bicycle fed,” said the storekeep, “and you can ride around your farm on it. They’re getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.”
“I’d rather put the 35 d...

The Hardware Store

A woman goes into a hardware store and tells the the proprietor that she would like to buy a hinge. The proprietor asks her if she would like a screw to go along with the hinge. The woman responds: “No thank you but I’ll blow you for that toaster in the corner.”

A Broken Watch

A guy is walking down the street and suddenly notices that his watch has stopped working. As he stands there musing over this discovery, he notices that the display window of a nearby shop has several dozen watches and clocks in it.

The man steps inside the door of the shop and asks the propr...

Fishing tickle

In the window of a hardware store was a sign inscribed 'Fishing Tickle.'

A customer drew the proprietor's attention to the spelling. 'Hasn't anyone told you of it before?' asked the customer.

'Oh, yes,' the proprietor responded placidly, 'many have mentioned it. But whenever they come ...

An man with no arms walks into a bell tower...

...to apply for a job as the bell-ringer. He finds the proprietor and asks for a job. The proprietor says, "Well, sir, I don't think we'll be able to hire you. You have no arms with which to ring the bell." The man replies , "Sir, please. My father was a bell-ringer, my grandfather was a bell-ringer...

Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown ,

a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners......When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown ?"

He walked int...

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A joke about Martin Luther King

Frank is on vacation in an oceanfront town, and lucks into a parking spot right near a pier. After taking in the view for a few minutes, he wanders into the small town and looks at the touristy shops. One antique shop catches his eye, so he walks in. Most of the stuff is pretty dusty and useless, bu...

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(Long)(dirty)An Englishman, Frenchman, and Irishman are in a bar...

An Englishman,Frenchman,and Irishman,are in a bar drinking when the Englishman says "back in my country when you go to the pub, you buy one drink and the proprietor buys you one drink and that's how it goes all day."
The Frenchman not to be outdone says " that's nothing back in my country you bu...

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A fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches..

A fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrat...

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