As a working comedian, I've decided to only work outdoor venues...

my inside jokes hardly get a laugh.

A young man goes to a formal ball in Boston.

He parks his car, goes up to the venue, and he has a great time. He meets a young woman there, and the two of them hit it off.

“I came here on the bus,” she says, “Would you mind giving me a ride home?”

So obviously he says yes, and the two of them leave the venue together. When the...

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A man on a business trip in Spain decides to take in a bull fight

After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gu...

What's the difference between the Special Olympics and the 2020 US election?

~~Everyone cheers the winners of the Special Olympics.~~

Venue.

What is a grizzly bear's favorite venue?

The maul.

Trump is doing a meet-and-greet at a crowded venue

and his security detail is being extra watchful. One of them is a new guy and he’s extra jumpy.
Suddenly, a gunman bursts from the crowd, aiming his weapon at the President. Pandemonium ensues. The rookie bodyguard screams “Mickey Mouse!!!” at the top of his voice and this startles the would be a...

Stevie Wonder has a bet with Tiger Woods on a game of golf, Stevie says I will beat you, so they agree to have a $500,000 bet on it, Stevie says you name the venue and I will name the time, Tiger says OK St Augustus, so what time we playing? Stevie replied.

Midnight.

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

An old Jewish joke. Original is in Yiddish.

A Rabbi and a Priest are sitting on a bench in front of church. They have bowls in front of them to collect money and as the parishioners exit the church they leave some change and bills for the Priest and give the Rabbi dirty looks.

After some time one of the parishioners takes pity on the ...

A high school senior was preparing for his prom...

He knew that the first thing he needed was a tuxedo. So he went to get a rental.

But his town was very small, and there was only one tux rental place nearby. Therefore, when he arrived he had to wait for three of his classmates to pick out their rentals before he could get his. He waited in ...

Did I tell you about the time I met Beyonce?

It wasn't an official meeting. We aren't friends. But I was at the concert venue for work and she was performing that night. She must have been there for a sound check or something. I didn't even really know it was her at first. She came up to me and asked if I had seen her phone. It was gold and st...

There was once a man

Let's call him Jim. Jim had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had 2 wonderful sons. Jim was set for life. But he was bored.

It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite ...

I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'.

Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue.

Berlin's Hottest Nightclub

A hot new nightclub, Integers, opened up in Berlin. The club's
advertising referenced the "infinite" amount of space on the inside, and its excellent location downtown. The walls were sleek and black, with purple house lights and an immaculate sound system. Drinks were all priced at whole dollar...

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

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Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
 

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

A man REALLY has to pee

He walks into the restroom of a venue and stands in front of a urinal.Suddenly he hears a weird sound and looks to his side. There hee sees another guy peeing but with two streams!

Intrigued. He asks how that's possible, two streams! The other guy looks up and explains he’s a veteran and by b...

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

Guys late for exam

2 guys drove an hour to a bar from their school at the eve of their exam.

However they got drunk at the bar and didn't drive back. By the time they reach the exam hall, the professor has collected all the papers.

Both guys explained to the professor how one of their car tyre went flat ...

I'm obsessed with bad jokes about arenas said in a German accent.

You'll understand venue experience them.

A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...

He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'...

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A Female Journalist Ventures Into A Village

A female journalist ventures into a village in a faraway land, away from all modern civilization, to write a story about the people that lives there.

When she gets into the village, the villagers give her a warm welcome, tell her that she can talks to anyone and photographs anything that she ...

The Pope visits Texas

The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX. On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, "Hey, you know what? I've always rode in these things, but I've never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?" Being it was th...

For my girlfriend's 25th birthday I got a bloke to come over to our house.

While we were sat on the sofa, the bloke said, "There's this pub nearby, it's good but the people there are kind of loud, obnoxious, 2/10. Then there's a club a few miles down the road. Huge venue with loud music and expensive drinks, 7/10. Then even further away, perhaps four or five miles out, the...

Young Billy Finally Lands a Date for the Prom

He really wants to impress her, so he decides to rent a tux. However, when he gets to the rental place, people are queued up out the door. He doesn't let this stop him, though. He takes his place in line and gets to waiting.

Finally, after waiting for over an hour, he gets fitted and pays for...

People need to stop putting flyers on my car windshield,

I have no interest in seeing some band called Parking Violation at the City Courthouse venue.

So Jesus comes walking out of his tomb....

He sees that Mary Magdelene's really torn up about the crucifixtion business, and couldn't stop crying until Jesus showed up. Jesus decides to cheer Mary up by taking her to a comedy show in Rome.
The Diefied Duo arrive at the venue, and there's a Centurion guarding the entrance letting crowd of ...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

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Fidel Castro was giving a speech to his people

Fidel Castro was giving a speech to the Cuban people in a large outdoor venue. Halfway through the speech he hears a vendor in the crowd, "popcorn, peanuts, soda..."
He ignores it and carries on with the speech.
He hears the same thing, "popcorn, peanuts, soda..."

Fidel gets frustrated...

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So my mate used to be really into tractors...

His dad was a farmer and shit, and he loved all types of tractors. He even wore a John Deere hat on occasion.

Then one day he woke up, and decided that he just didn't like tractors anymore. His days of loving tractors were over. Weird.

Later that night, he went to a nightclub where ev...

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Anything can happen at a ska show

A few weeks ago, my band was opening for a slightly more famous band at a moderately large local venue. This was one of the biggest gigs we'd had yet, and so I was seriously stressing about it beforehand, even though our sax player kept telling me not to. "Relax, you've been playing keyboards all yo...

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John and the Wendy Tattoo

A guy named John has been in a relationship with a girl named Wendy for 2 years. He's convinced that she's the one, and to prove it, he tattoos her name on his penis. When he's erect, the tattoo reads "WENDY" very clearly, but when he's flaccid you can only see "WY". Needless to say, Wendy is turned...

A boy asks the love of his life to the prom.

A boy asked the girl he is in love with to prom. There was a long line of boys waiting to ask her. When he got to the front asked she said yes. After she said yes he went to the florist to pick up a corsage for her. He arrived to find a huge line. He waited in the line to get her flowers. Next after...

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...

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The headmistress of a Southern charm school calls up an army base and asks to speak to the Colonel.

"Sir, I do apologize for calling you so late, but my girls have informed me we have a bit of an issue that needs addressing directly," she says, "And I hoped you might lend a hand in solving it."

"Of course, Ma'am, I'll be happy to help if I can," says the Colonel. "What's the matter?"
...

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Historians recently discovered evidence that Hitler was a ventriloquist.

Apparently he would sneak out some nights with his dummy who was a violinist. He would bring the dummy to small concert venues and ventriloquize the violin music, interjecting humorous anti-Semitic remarks in between songs. To avoid being recognized, we wore a fake mustache, and called his act A Dol...

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