What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
...

Who wins in a race between a Porsche and a Lamborghini?

Volkswagen

I'm not racist, i love all races equally

Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter

Mike Bloomberg should quit the race now

Mic drop...

A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a really old race horse today, I called him My Face.

I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh fuckers shouting "Come on My Face."

A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow, so they decided to enter an auto race.

In lieu of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail. When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.

The spectators marveled "Wow, look at that S car go!"

Two cats swim in a race. One is named one-two-three and the other is named un-deux-trois. Which cat won the race?

One-two-three because un-deux-trois quatre cinq.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No child of my will ever participate in the unholy art of race mixing.

If they want to do a triathlon, they will do three separate races like god intended

What's a race that starts with an N, ends with an R and has 6 letters

Nascar

Do you win many races?

Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: No, the cars are much faster.

I broke my left leg in a 110m hurdles race

I broke my left leg in a 110m hurdles race, which marked the end my athletic career.

I couldn’t get over it.

Race is a complex issue

It's not just black and white

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest

Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes

Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama...

Did you hear about the race between two ties?

It was neck and neck

Millions surprised when they heard Julian Castro was dropping out of Presidential Race...

as they didn’t know he was actually running.

What happens when a witch goes for a race?

Broom Broom

Something about rabbit races creeps me out.

It's hare racing.

Why is Jeffrey Epstein bad at races?

He always comes in a little behind

I hate all races

Especially the 100m dash. Its just awful!

There’s a car race announcer in an interview

Interviewer: Do you think that your job has affected your life in other aspects?
Announcer: Noooooom

Thank you, thank you...

A German race car driver once told me why he never goes down on a woman.

Because the intake is too close to the exhaust.

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential ra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the sex race?

It was a come from behind victory.

Rednecks love more races than any other group

Indy 500, Talladega, and Daytona just to name a few

Racing..

‪I was in a bar the other day when a girl asked me, "What do you do?"‬

‪I said, "I race motorcycles."‬

‪She asked, "Do you win many races?"‬

‪I said, "No, the bikes are much faster."‬

I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first.

Sadly he beat me to death.

An old [insert race/ethnicity] man is laying on his deathbed, surrounded by his family ...

He says, "Gather everybody around, I have some last words!"

"OK papa, everybody's here!"

"Are all my brothers and my sisters here?"

"Yes papa, they're all here!"

"And my children?"

"Yes papa."

"And my grandchildren?"

"Yes papa, **everybody's here!**"<...

A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, he didn’t have enough stamina to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first mile, but the tomato fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the race when he collapsed from exhaustion right in front...

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

Different races need to be segregated.

I'm so sick of people combining biking, swimming and running and calling it one single race. "iTs A tRiAtHaLOn" shut up lmfao. Those are 3 different events, and should be treated as such.

How did the hairdresser win the race?

How did the hairdresser win the race?
He took a shortcut

Why did the orange lose the race?

because it got Im-peached.

Celebrity Race-car Driver Lewis Hamilton Walk into a country golf club in England

He sees the woman on reception and enquires about joining the club.

Looking slightly disappoint, the woman at the desk tells Lewis that unfortunately the club has a very old rule which states only white people can become members.

She apologises for the out of date rule but says that ...

A witch and her friend enter a race. When they get there, the witch’s ride is already there waiting for her. “Huh” the witch’s friend says. “I didn’t know you drive a stick.”

“It’s a broom, actually.” She says.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two horses are chatting after winning their respective races at the grand national...

"I say old chap, you did fantastically on your race! How did you manage?"

"Well to be honest I'm a little confused, I couldn't break out of the pack, couldn't make any ground when about a third of the way round the course I felt this burning heat, right up my arse, so I powered on trying to g...

A race against time!

Chuck Norris once had a race with time.
And who won?
Well, time is still running, isn’t it?

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone ever masturbated to a turtle race?

I got off to a slow start.

I bought a race horse and decided to call it “MY FACE”.

Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting “COME ON MY FACE”!!

What do you call sperm's cells race?

Survival of the fetus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Challenged my boss to a street race.

My boss drives a Prius to work every day. One day I challenged him to a street race after work, my Focus against his car, for pink slips. Quarter mile. He accepted

That night waiting for him, he pulls up, in a Corvette. We raced. He won. I didn't stop. Kept going. Next day I called into work...

My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a horse race announcer.

“And they’re off..”

How do you start a concrete race?

Ready...... set........

Why does Mike Wazowski win every race?

Because he’s always a-head.

I was runner-up in a 10K race benefiting by my local Catholic church.

Sister Mary ended up placing first. We spoke after the race and she really complimented my running skills. Such a kind and humble lady. She said my ability was second to nun.

What do you call a race in wheel chairs?

Need For Speed Special Edition

1 1 was a race horse

2 2 was 1 2

1 1 1 1 race

2 2 1 1 2

The space-race for mars is just like a one way lustful relationship

Everyone is spending millions of dollars on it and sending things over to mars just to see if its wet.

I always make jokes about 90s Mercedes race cars, but no one understands them.

I guess it just flies over there heads.

I think it's important to keep the races separate.

Just imagine how unfair it would be for a horse in NASCAR.

Did you hear Elizabeth Warren cancelled her campaign?

It wasn't the first race she has had to leave.

A F1 race driver got into an accident

He broke almost every single bone in his body
The doctors told him he would never drive again

He was absolutely shattered

Years ago a sperm who won a race

is depressed now.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

Is it really wrong to hate a certain race?

I don't mind doing a 5k but a couple friends want to do a 10k and I don't like them.

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal...

Have you ever thought of an awesome joke but had to race the final 1% of your battery to post it?

Back when I had an Android I sure did but look at me now, my iPhone still has 27% lef........

A 100 meter race

Announcer : 1 2 3 start.

Everyone except one guy started running.

Announcer : Why aren't you running ?

The guy : Because my number is four.

cat race

There was a cat race

The cats were

1. one two three, an American cat
2. uno dos tres, A Spanish cat
3. une deux trois, A French cat

The three cats were in a water race, whoever gets to the end of the lake first, wins. the results came in and...

The American cat c...

I went to the races and put fifty bucks on a horse that came in at 25 to 1!

Unfortunately the rest of the field came in at 12:33.

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?

It ended in a tie!

This little kid bragging about sleeping in a race car bed.

STFU you little idiot, I don't even have a car.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

Whats the difference between a presidential election and a nascar race?

In nascar they wear their sponsors on their shirts.

The reptile race

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Human race need assholes

because without them we are ALL full of shit

Did you hear about the experiment where they shot people of different race out of a cannon?

I heard it passed with flying colors.

Two fish were having a race underwater when one of them hits a wall. What does the other fish say?

Dam

I'm in jail because I beat my wife

The police showed up at our house because they got a call about suspicious activity in the area and stopped to see if we knew anything.

Officer: "We saw you both sprinting to the door of your home and thought we would make sure everyone is alright."


Me: *Speechless from not being ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

Why did the socialist win the race?

He was the quickest on his Marx.

Green curry and red curry had a race

It was a Thai.

Breaking news.

Black guy shot with a starting pistol.

Police think it's race related!!!

Why is the KKK against triathlons?

They don't believe in the mixing of races.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the human race were close to extinction and there was only one woman left.

She's fucked.

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

Why don’t strings ever win a race against each other?

They always tie.

So a general feeling of dread gets invited to a relay race but unfortunately had to decline...

He said "I can't because of miasma"

If all of the Democratic candidates this primary had military experience...

...then, in theory, we could have seen a race between G.I. Joe and Colonel Sanders.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

Lucky #7

A guy wakes up on July 7th at 7am and hops on the #7 train get to his first day of work. He realizes that his office is located on 7th avenue and that the building number is 77. He counts all the money he has in his pocket and turns out that he has exactly 777$. It must be a sign. He heads to the ra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 boys are lost in a forest and find a cabin

They knock on the cabin’s door and an old man answers. The kids ask the old man if they can stay there for the night and the old man says “Why of course you can. There’s one rule though. Do not open this closet” the old man points to a door. “If you do there will be consequences!”

The kids, ...

Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I can't help it, though. Humans were just never meant to run 26 miles.

I don't believe in the mixing of the races.

I mean it's ridiculous, all those horses would trample the marathoners.

# An English and a french cat decide to race across the sea

The English cat was called “one two three four”
The French cat was called “un deux trois quatre”

“One two three four” won.... why?

Because “un deux trois quatre” *sank*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the little butt lose to the big butt in a race?

It was a little behind.

Two cats are having a swimming race across a pool. The first one is named one-two-three-cat The other is named une-deux-trois-cat Who wins

one-two-three-cat wins

une-deux-trois-cat-cinq

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Adolf Hitler are all running in a race, who wins?

Hitler, cause he’s the racist

The animal kingdom decided to have its first official land speed race. All the animals signed up to see who's the fastest.

After the race was over, and the results were in.

The judges deliberated, and decided to disqualify the winner..

Reason given: "He was a cheetah".

Why are mixed-race wizards ineffective?

They can only half-cast.

What did the cow say to the other cow who entered the horse race?

It’s udderly impossible!

What is your least favourite race?

Mine is the marathon... too many Kenyans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

I heard on the TV, "no arms race between Russia and the United States"

I thought to myself, "I didn't even know the Paralympics were on"

Man: You can’t give me a ticket! I have to run a marathon tomorrow.

Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler

Usain Bolt can actually finish the race

Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Roaches are having a race around a toilet bowl

The first roach finishes with hardly breaking a sweat in about 5 minutes.

The second roach crosses the finish five minutes after that and is starting to sweat.

The third roach comes in fifteen minutes after him completely soaked and visibly mad.

The first two roaches ask "What ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(some very basic french is needed to understand) During the international annual ice cat race, they introduced all the cat-racers!

There was a french cat - Un Deux Trois

A spanish cat - Uno Dos Tres

And an american cat - one two three

The cats got behind the starting line on the ice, which was frozen on real water. The whistle was blown and the cats take off! Eventually, the French cat seems to be winning!...

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