If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally

Even the bad ones

Two kids from bangkok have a race, who wins?

Its a thai.

A man wins a horse race

A man won a horse race after the other horse dropped dead before reaching the finish line.

However, the winner had a hard time enjoying his victory, because it’s no fun beating a dead horse!

Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

I don't mind doing a 5km, but my running group is considering joining a 10km and I really don't like that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I keep on collecting 5k race t-shirts, without actually participating in the races.

It’s our running joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the runner who pooped his pants during a race?

He didn't win, but he did finish number two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Nazis with a lisp raced each other...

They wanted to see who was the fascist

I know I’m gonna get hate for saying this, but there are some races that I just don’t like.

For instance, anything with an obstacle in it. Like if I’m running 10k, don’t make me climb over a wall halfway through it.

I just bought a racehorse.

I called it My Face and now I'm watching all the women in the crowd, who had a bet on it, as they scream "Come on my face".

What happened when two vampires had a race?

They finished neck and neck

Me and my friend had a bet that I couldn't beat him in a race.

I'm a big guy, so needless to say, I won.

His mom wasn't too happy to see both of his legs broken though.

Why does BBQ sauce always win the race?

Because the other competitors are always plain Ketchup!

A man is sitting in his sports car at the traffic lights when a little girl on a bike asks him if he wants to race

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees something gaining on him in his mirror, *fast.* He just barely catches a glimpse of the little girl on her bike a...

Why did Pheobe beat Ross in the annual Friends nautical race?

David's a good Schwimmer but Lisa Kudrow.

On the behalf of Ron Swanson, the USA decides to choose their next president based on a race

Joe Biden and Donald Trump try to run in the race to try and be president again but ultimately lost to Usain Bolt who also competed.

When interviewed on why he should be president, Usain explained "Because I run better than the government."

When we were kids, my brothers and I would race to put our shoes on every morning.

It always ended in a tie.

What word starts with N, ends with R and is associated with a race?

NASCAR

How did the barber win the race?

He knew a shortcut.

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast

Pregnant horses would be excellent in a race

They have twice the horsepower

We shouldn't mix races, it's immoral and honestly pretty gross.

That's why I hate triathlons.

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.

Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sportscar race

Enzo Ferrari and Ferdinand Porsche were arguing about which of their sportscars was the fastest, so they decided to each pick their best driver and have a race to find out.

They day of the race came, and the Ferrari won easily, pulling up at the finish-line a beautiful female driver stepped o...

I know this is unpopular to say in this inclusive culture but there are some races I don't like

Especially the 800 m dash

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

Why is it impossible to hold a race in Finland?

Because in Finland, every line is a Finnish line. . .

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of primary school kids, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Randwick races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the uri...

Race jokes aren't funny

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

Never try to race against a decapitated person

They're always ahead of you.

My mate quit the rat race to become an apple farmer, and now he's whining about how much work it is.

So I told him to just grow a pear.

Why don't racecar drivers eat before a race?

So they don't get Indy-gestion.

Why was the cat banned from running the race?

Because he was a cheetah.

So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.

However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.

~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

When I win the lottery I'm going to buy a race horse.

I'll name it "My Face" so when it's behind everyone will be screaming "Come on My Face!".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 race horses are having a drink at their local pub

They each talk about their recent races and victories,

The first horse says - "Guys, I had something weird happen at my last race. I was in the final straight running 5th and losing ground, I didn't think there was any chance I could get up and win. Then all of the sudden *PING* this burst of...

2 cats are having a race

2 cats are having a race across the Atlantic Ocean. One of them is a English cat named one,two,three and the other is a French cat named un,deux,trois. Which cat wins the race?

The English cat because un,deux,trois cat sank

It's called the Human Race,

And we're all losing.

Race car backwards is race car

But race car sideways is how Paul Walker died

A guy named Ryan Edit won first place in a marathon.

Race director: Here you go, these are for you.

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”

The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.”A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “M...

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in.

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.

The big day...

Why did the mustard lose the race between sauces?

Because it couldn't ketchup

How did the Russian emigrants win the race?

They ran across the Finnish line

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two statues were in a park

Two statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such great statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

An englishman, frenchmen, and spaniard were racing their cats on a paper boat in the water

They each name their cat the same in each language. The Englishman names his cat "One Two Three". The Frenchman names his "Un deux Trois". The Spaniard names his "Uno dos tres". The race begins, and Uno dos tres wins, with one two three at second place. The Frenchman's cat is nowhere to be found. Af...

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

What do you call a race over lava

A heated competition

How do Penguins finish a race?

They Pengwin.

100 meter race ho

Referee - '1,2,3 GO!'...

Everybody started running except Dummy.

Referee - Y r u not running...?

Dummy- My number is 4.

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest

Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes

Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama...

What is a noodle's favorite bicycle race?

The Tour de Lini

I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, “What do you do?” I responded, “I race cars.” Screeching with excitement, she shot back, “Do you win many races!?” I sighed...

“No, the cars are much faster.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler once ran a race against the top German athletes, and they all slowed down to let him win.

He thought he was the fascist man in Germany.

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three racehorses and a racing dog are together after a day of racing.

The first horse says: "You guys won't believe what happed to me in the race today! I was taking my time at the race I was like 12th or 13th not caring too much. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my ass, I sprang forward and before I realized I fished the race 1st."


The second horse sa...

The person who caused the Tour de France crash should be arrested and charged with genocide.

She tried to take out an entire race.

Swim meet

So this one dude was at his school’s swim meet, and he put sunscreen all over his body to make himself slippery in the water. When the race starts, he starts getting ahead of the others but didn’t know his speedo had slipped entirely off. He won first place, and someone said, “I know your suit was e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three race horses are in the stable having a conversation.

Three race horses are in the stable having a conversation.'I don't mean to brag,' says one of them 'but out of the 20 races I've had so far, I've won 11 of them.''You think that's impressive?' Laughs another 'I've been in 35 races and won 20 of them!''Is that it?' Says the third 'I've had 50 and won...

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

Everyone asks me why I eat like I got out of prison. I explain them that in a family with 5 siblings it's a race to the snacks like lives depend on it.

Also I've spent 9 years in prison.

Some races are inferior and should be eliminated

No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.

My little cousin was showing off that he sleeps in a race car bed

Jokes on him I sleep in a real car

The human race could never stand against the robot revolution when it happened.

They kept coming back stronger.

The first wave was weak, so they were killable.

The second edition of the robots was strong but still somewhat bearable.

The third mark was slow, so they could be outran.

The fourth grade was dumb, so they were outsmartable.

But nob...

I'm not saying I'm racist, I'm just saying one race is better than another

The 100m dash is a lot better than the 400m. The 110m hurdles are also good

Hey. Want to hear a race joke?

No thanks. This one's already out of gas.

Is your refrigerator running?

A man walks into a bar and is about to order a beer when he's interrupted by the bar phone ringing. The bartender answers. A voice asks, "Is your refrigerator running?" The bartender replies with a sigh. "Yes" The voice replies,"Good. Mine too. I'll see you at the refrigerator races tomorrow."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn't Hitler win the race of conquer

He never reached the Finnish

Why can’t you beat the Mandalorian in a race?

Because he has the beskar

I'm not racist, i love all races equally

Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter

“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.

So this guy races home...

He runs in the house yelling to his wife, “Honey! I won the lottery. Pack your bags. I won the lottery.”

His wife asks “Should I pack for the beach or a cruise?”

He responds “I don’t care. Just get out!”

Who wins in a race between a Porsche and a Lamborghini?

Volkswagen

Apparently NASCAR is banning all Confederate flags from its races.

But how will drivers know they’ve entered the last lap of the race? 🏳

My friend bet the man who runs the church that she could beat him in a race.

He ran right pastor.

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

One for you, one for me

On the outskirts of a small Panhandle town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out  of sight, and began dividing the nuts.  “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,”  said one boy. Severa...

I once had a racing snail that couldn’t win a race for love nor money so to help I took his shell off...

But that made him a little more sluggish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brave and fearsome pirate captain approached an uncharted island, searching for treasure.

His crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. They came upon a large forest and began searching desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he gasped and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead. The capta...

I just watched a horse race where the rider was celebrating before he crossed the line.

That's what you call premature jockey elation.

The other day I was organising snail races

They were moving really slow. Then I thought if I remove their shells then they would go faster, but if anything they were more sluggish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

What sound marks the start of a hippie race?

A bong...

I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first.

Sadly he beat me to death.

Some races are superior

Ofcourse a horse race is superior than a car race.

Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I just think marathons are way too much running.

A bat race was called!

Three bats had to get as much blood as they could in a certain amount of time.

After the time is up, the judge goes to the first bat and see some blood on his legs. He asks him where did he get it from?

The first bat told him, "you see that tree over there? Behind it there's a mall and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Has poop ever won the race?"

"No, but they get close. You see, they're always No. 2."

The big race

It was the day of the big race. Usain Bolt was going to run against a cheetah, the world's fastest animal, capable of reaching speeds of up to 70 mph!

People knew Usain didn't stand a chance, but watched anyway. At last, they were off, and in a matter of seconds the race was over - amazingly...

Why did the Americans win the space race?

Because the soviets were Stalin.

Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?

Because it was wiped out

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

Don't bother joining the rat race.

Even if you win, you're just a rat...

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

I’m working on a race joke

But I think it may have already crossed the line

Why does a Chicago-style hot dog always lose races?

Because it refuses to ketchup.

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