I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first.

Sadly he beat me to death.

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest

Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes

Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama...

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

I think it's important to keep the races separate.

Just imagine how unfair it would be for a horse in NASCAR.

Is it really wrong to hate a certain race?

I don't mind doing a 5k but a couple friends want to do a 10k and I don't like them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Human race need assholes

because without them we are ALL full of shit

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

Years ago a sperm who won a race

is depressed now.

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?

It ended in a tie!

The reptile race

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were p...

A 100 meter race

Announcer : 1 2 3 start.

Everyone except one guy started running.

Announcer : Why aren't you running ?

The guy : Because my number is four.

I went to the races and put fifty bucks on a horse that came in at 25 to 1!

Unfortunately the rest of the field came in at 12:33.

Two fish were having a race underwater when one of them hits a wall. What does the other fish say?

Dam

cat race

There was a cat race

The cats were

1. one two three, an American cat
2. uno dos tres, A Spanish cat
3. une deux trois, A French cat

The three cats were in a water race, whoever gets to the end of the lake first, wins. the results came in and...

The American cat c...

Whats the difference between a presidential election and a nascar race?

In nascar they wear their sponsors on their shirts.

Did you hear about the experiment where they shot people of different race out of a cannon?

I heard it passed with flying colors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the human race were close to extinction and there was only one woman left.

She's fucked.

Races should be segregated

I'm sick and tired of people doing running , cycling and swimming and claiming it as one triathlon event! They are separate activities, and as such should be treated that way.

Green curry and red curry had a race

It was a Thai.

Why don’t strings ever win a race against each other?

They always tie.

So a general feeling of dread gets invited to a relay race but unfortunately had to decline...

He said "I can't because of miasma"

# An English and a french cat decide to race across the sea

The English cat was called “one two three four”
The French cat was called “un deux trois quatre”

“One two three four” won.... why?

Because “un deux trois quatre” *sank*

How did one-two-three cat beat un-deux-trois cat in their boat race?

Un-deux-trois cat sank

Two cats are having a swimming race across a pool. The first one is named one-two-three-cat The other is named une-deux-trois-cat Who wins

one-two-three-cat wins

une-deux-trois-cat-cinq

Why did the socialist win the race?

He was the quickest on his Marx.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the little butt lose to the big butt in a race?

It was a little behind.

So I heard John Hickenlooper dropped out of the presidential race...

His supporter must be very upset to see him go.

Why are mixed-race wizards ineffective?

They can only half-cast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

I heard on the TV, "no arms race between Russia and the United States"

I thought to myself, "I didn't even know the Paralympics were on"

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

The animal kingdom decided to have its first official land speed race. All the animals signed up to see who's the fastest.

After the race was over, and the results were in.

The judges deliberated, and decided to disqualify the winner..

Reason given: "He was a cheetah".

I don't believe in the mixing of the races.

I mean it's ridiculous, all those horses would trample the marathoners.

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

What did the cow say to the other cow who entered the horse race?

It’s udderly impossible!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Adolf Hitler are all running in a race, who wins?

Hitler, cause he’s the racist

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(some very basic french is needed to understand) During the international annual ice cat race, they introduced all the cat-racers!

There was a french cat - Un Deux Trois

A spanish cat - Uno Dos Tres

And an american cat - one two three

The cats got behind the starting line on the ice, which was frozen on real water. The whistle was blown and the cats take off! Eventually, the French cat seems to be winning!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Roaches are having a race around a toilet bowl

The first roach finishes with hardly breaking a sweat in about 5 minutes.

The second roach crosses the finish five minutes after that and is starting to sweat.

The third roach comes in fifteen minutes after him completely soaked and visibly mad.

The first two roaches ask "What ...

After a horrific accident, 2 children were raced to hospital by an air ambulance.

The air ambulance won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One guy is in bed with a woman, when he hears her husband's footsteps

The woman tells him to get his clothes and jump out the window. He complains because it's raining a lot but, having to other option, he jumps out and falls in the middle of the street, where a marathon is taking place.

Trying to go unnoticed, he joins the runners and starts running too. Every...

Why did the barber win the race?

He knew a short cut!

Why did the marathon runner sprint at the start of the race?

His pacemaker was malfunctioning

What do you call a crack head in a race?

Need for speed!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

The FIA will be introducing a new series of Grand Turismo races with zero emission fuel cell vehicles cleverly called Formula Zero,

or GTF0.

Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I can't help it, though. Humans were just never meant to run 26 miles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king enrolled his donkey in a race...

A king enrolled his donkey in a race and won.

Local papers read:
'KING's ASS WON'

The king was so upset with this kind of publicity. So he gave the donkey to the queen.

The local paper then read: "QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The king fainted....
Queen sold the...

My grandma always said, “Slow and steady wins the race.”

Lovely woman. Unfortunately she died in a fire.

Why did the farmer lose the race with his cow through the town square?

Because you can't beat your meat in public.

is hating a certain race ok?

I run 5k but my friends run 18 k and I hate running the 18k marathon. What do I do?

I want to get a race horse, and name it My Face.

Just so I can hear people in the stands yell, “Come on, My Face!!”

What did the sausage say when he won the race?

I'm a weiner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

If a carrot and a lettuce were in a race, who would win?

The lettuce because it's *a head*.

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but prom...

Which race do you hate the most?

I hate marathons................too many Kenyans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a movie about Hitler in a race car?

The fast and the führerious

Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race and changes your life forever.

We call these people cops.

what do racers eat before a race

nothing they fast

What do you call a race for body builders?

Shredded Yeet

Race car driver Niki Lauda died today.

He was buried by his pit crew, 3.4 secs later.

What's Santa's race?

North Polish

What is green and races out of your nose at 200 MPH?

A Lambooghini!

Which race is the most profitable to run?

A 401K

What do you call an orgy with dudes from different races?

Mixed nuts

What do we want? Race car noises!

When do we want them?

Neeeeeooooowwwwww

It’s Perfectly fine to dislike certain races

I like running the 5k personally, my friend runs the 10k and he’s like that better though

Did you hear about the race between the giraffe and the ostrich?

It was neck and neck the whole way.

I dont want any other races in my neighborhood

There's already a marathon in July and it makes getting home a nightmare

Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.

What do you call a racehorse who's too old to race?

Fast paste.

Why do Paedophiles never win races?

They like to come in a little behind...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A day at the races

Two female teachers took a group of pupils from years 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Epsom Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was wa...

Why could the nordic olympian not finish the race?

He didn't have permission to cross the Finnish line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American and Japanese team decided to engage in a competitive boat race.

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a c...

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

A little girl asks her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answers, “Well, God made Adam and Eve and then they had kids. So all mankind was made.”

Two days later the little girl asks her father the exact same question.

The father answers, “Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the entire human race evolved.”

The co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

I love races that finish themselves

terrorist wins

Why didn’t the cabbage win the race?

He wasn’t ahead of lettuce.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when two Japanese hens finish a race at the same time?

A hen-tie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most dangerous race in the world?

The Dakar Rally, you racist motherfuckers.

Once upon a time an alien race tried to invade Earth (OC)

Humans were at a loss to protect themselves, then The Doctor came and and protected Earth. Everyone asked, "Doctor Who?"

There was no answer. Humans moved on and named The Doctor, "Doctor Who".



Once again an Alien race tried to invade earth. Helpless earth chanted "Doctor Who...

Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

Every time I look at the cross country schedule, we play a certain high school, and their track really sucks. They are a very poor school and honestly it feels like the track is crumbling under my feet.

It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips

So now I only let her do it when it’s my turn to drive

What's the best place to organise a pig race?

BuckingHam Palace!

I met a tiny, alien robot that looked like a small bug. He told me his friends escaped their home planet, and found a home here. He was confident that his race would be OK.

He was Optimus Tick

What is it called when Batman and Superman challenge each other to a race?

A Marthaon

I don't see race

was the last thing I said after getting kicked off the track team.

I explained to my son how batons are used in relay races, and he understood right away.

I gotta hand it to him.

A person falls down in a race...

He was defeeted

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Nazis does it take to finish a race?

None, Nazis can't finish a race.

Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I just think marathons are *way* too much running

(NSFW) why did Michael Jackson deliberately lose races ?

He enjoys coming in a little behind

What banner phrase did the art sculptures create to christen their upcoming race?

“Finish line or BUST!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

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