UPJOKE
runcontestmovecompetitionspeedsubspeciesracewaymarathonslalomsprinthorseridecampaignshootsack race

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Did you hear about the runner who pooped his pants during a race?

He didn't win, but he did finish number two.

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

I'll see myself out.

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[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

Who won the race between the priest and the nun?

It was the priest, because he "pastor" a while back.

I just came up with this one at the breakfast table for those who are curious.

I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally

Even the bad ones

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...

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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.

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A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the...

How did the barber win the race?

He knew a short cut

Guy races into a bar looking very flustered and says to the bartender "Quick, give me a shot of your finest Scotch before the trouble starts"

The guy downs the scotch in a single gulp and glancing nervously towards the doors says **"Quick, give me another shot of you finest Scotch before the trouble starts"**

The guy downs that Scotch too and says, ***"Quick, another shot before the trouble starts".*** The barman pauses and says **...

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So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, deci...

Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?

They *fast* during Ramadan!

I won an Iphone 13 in a race

The other two competitors are: the owner of the phone and police officers

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Why do Paedophiles never win races?

They like to come in a little behind...

Is it wrong to hate a specific race

Because I really hate marathons

Two horses are talking before a race

One horse says to the other "I don't know what's going on, right before a race I always get this sharp jabbing feeling in my flank." The other horse says " Yeah, that's strange. I get the exact same feeling before a race too!"

Right then a dog passing by said "You idiots, that's a hormone sh...

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Bought a really old race horse today.

I have called him "My Face." and have entered him in "The Grand National"

I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh fuckers shouting

"Come on My Face."

I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first.

Sadly he beat me to death.

I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, “What do you do?” I responded, “I race cars.” Screeching with excitement, she shot back, “Do you win many races!?” I sighed...

“No, the cars are much faster.”

Race car backwards is race car

But race car sideways is how Paul Walker died

Rock, paper and scissors have entered a race.

Rock has begun to roll, but paper and scissors remain stationery.

Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.

Why dont foot fetishists win races?

Because they love the smell of defeat.

Two cats decided to have a swimming race across the English channel

The English cat's name was One-Two-Three, and the French cat's name was Un-Deux-Trois. They both swam as fast as they could across the Channel, but in the end, the One-Two-Three cat was declared the winner because.....

the Un-Deux-Trois cat sank! (quatre cinq)

A lion and a cheetah had a race.

The lion said you are a "cheetah" and the cheetah said you are "lion."

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My wife and I keep on collecting 5k race t-shirts, without actually participating in the races.

It’s our running joke

Is it bad to hate a certain race?

Because I despise the 100 meter

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A man raced up to my cash register.

He put a gun to my head and shouted, "Don't do anything smart."

"O-o-ok." I stuttered.

He said, "Open the cash register!"

I said, "I don't know how to."

He said, "Don't be stupid."

I said, "Fucking hell, make your mind up."

Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I just think marathons are *way* too much running

If I have a race with a skull...

If I have a race with a skull... do I have to give it a head start?

I heard on the TV, "no arms race between Russia and the United States"

I thought to myself, "I didn't even know the Paralympics were on"

Superman challenges The Flash to a race

"You will never beat me" said the flash, "but I guess I can let you try" they agree to run from the east coast of the U.S to the west.

The race begins and Superman runs as fast as he can, he puts absolutely everything he's got into it but when he gets to the west coast he see's the flash sit...

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Swim Race

A local pool was holding a swim meet for the disabled. There were three contestants, one man had no arms, one man had no legs, and one man was just a disembodied head.


The contestants got up on their blocks and prepared for the race. The starting pistol fired and the three men dove into...

It’s okay to hate a race.

I, for example, hate 100m sprint!

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest

Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes

Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama...

Richard Nixon and Leonid Brezhnev race around the White House

1972. In the spirit of Detente, Richard Nixon and Leonid Brezhnev decide to run a friendly footrace around the White House. The event is reported by every news outlet in the world.

The younger, fitter Nixon easily beats the old, unfit Brezhnev. It's a humiliation, so the Soviet press team are...

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

Two cats--one English, one French--held a swimming race across the English Channel.

The English cat was named One Two Three; his French competitor was named Un Deux Trois.

Unfortunately, Un Deux Trois cat sank.

I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster...

Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

I'm not racist, i love all races equally

Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter

Why did the tomato lose the race?

He couldn’t ketchup in time.

What’s your favourite race?

Mine is the Le Mans

What's Santa's race?

North Polish

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.

After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"

Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."

Some races are inferior and should be eliminated

No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter’s pistol.

Police suspect that the crime is race related.

Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks

My aunt used to say "slow and steady wins the race"

she died in a fire

Two women decide to make some money by betting on horse races.

They come to the track and start thinking which horse to bet upon. After all, they don't know much about the matter. Suddenly, one says:

**Woman 1**: Listen, I have an idea. What's your cup size?

**Woman 2**: C.

**Woman 1**: And mine is D. That's three and four. Three plus four ...

I'm gonna quit the rat race and become a sculptor.

One of my mates did it, and he's already made six figures!

The relay race was close, but eventually we won.

For a while, it was touch-and-go.

Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!

LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.

Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs.

A man wins a horse race

A man won a horse race after the other horse dropped dead before reaching the finish line.

However, the winner had a hard time enjoying his victory, because it’s no fun beating a dead horse!

When I win the lottery I'm going to buy a race horse.

I'll name it "My Face" so when it's behind everyone will be screaming "Come on My Face!".

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

Why are races in Helsinki so confusing?

Because every line is a Finnish line.

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Sportscar race

Enzo Ferrari and Ferdinand Porsche were arguing about which of their sportscars was the fastest, so they decided to each pick their best driver and have a race to find out.

They day of the race came, and the Ferrari won easily, pulling up at the finish-line a beautiful female driver stepped o...

I had a race with an Asian today

It was a Thai

A physicist tries betting on horse races

The physicist could not get any job, so he decided to bet on horse races to make a living. He did intensive experimentation, and used state of the art machine learning algorithms to gain more insight. After filling many notebooks and accumulating a very large amount of data, he exclaims "I have the ...

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet...

But I can only walk so fast.

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made...”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to he...

We shouldn't mix races, it's immoral and honestly pretty gross.

That's why I hate triathlons.

A racing bike and a chopper

A biker with a racing bike brags before chopper bikers and dares them to race. Despite the fact that he's obviously faster, the oldest of the chopper bikers agrees. The racing biker wants to bet $1000, but the chopper owner has no money so they agree to race for the honor of the victory.

They...

I just go into a fight with a friend. He thinks all races are equal, but I think some races are far superior....

Like the marathon. That takes a lot of stamina, and is a far superior race.

And if you thought this was going somewhere else... you need to take a good hard look at yourself!

Why did the car get disqualified from the neighborhood drag race?

>!No spoilers!<

Two kids from bangkok have a race, who wins?

Its a thai.

What is your least favourite race?

Mine is the marathon... too many Kenyans

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All the sperm cells are getting ready for that moment when they would race down and be the first to impregnate the egg.

The day finally come, they felt vibration and began racing down the shaft. The cell in first place is so excited he could almost see the end. Then all of a sudden, he turns around, waves at everyone behind him and yells, "Turn around, turn around, it's a blowjob!"

A Trans-Nordic race was planned to pass through Norway, Sweden, and Finland, ending at the Russian border.

But everyone stopped at the Finnish line instead.

Who wins in a race between a Porsche and a Lamborghini?

Volkswagen

Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life from out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes your life forever.

We call these people cops.

Races between Myanmar and Laos

Are usually Thais

A bat race was called!

Three bats had to get as much blood as they could in a certain amount of time.

After the time is up, the judge goes to the first bat and see some blood on his legs. He asks him where did he get it from?

The first bat told him, "you see that tree over there? Behind it there's a mall and...

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Three women compete in a swim race.

There's a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde all lined up for the 100m breaststroke. On the starting pistol, the brunette and the redhead are off like a shot, but the blonde stays right where she is.

Hours after the race ends, someone goes to check on the pool and there's the blonde, redfaced ...

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

Theres only one race, the human race...

But what about NASCAR?

Why don't racecar drivers eat before a race?

So they don't get Indy-gestion.

What did the spiritual race car driver say to his mother?

I have good car, ma!

The big race

It was the day of the big race. Usain Bolt was going to run against a cheetah, the world's fastest animal, capable of reaching speeds of up to 70 mph!

People knew Usain didn't stand a chance, but watched anyway. At last, they were off, and in a matter of seconds the race was over - amazingly...

Why are the Swedish always first in races?

because they're next to the finnish

What's the difference between a race across Asia, and one across Europe?

The one across Europe eventually ends because it has a Finnish line

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Three racehorses and a racing dog are together after a day of racing.

The first horse says: "You guys won't believe what happed to me in the race today! I was taking my time at the race I was like 12th or 13th not caring too much. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my ass, I sprang forward and before I realized I fished the race 1st."


The second horse sa...

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The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.

He had a souped up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible: straight pipes, turbo, the works.

There's a straightaway on a back road where all the l...

Snail Racing

My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster. Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish

Although the World is more accepting, I refuse to accept some races.

Marathons are awful.

100 meter race ho

Referee - '1,2,3 GO!'...

Everybody started running except Dummy.

Referee - Y r u not running...?

Dummy- My number is 4.

My homie invited me to watch a drag race.

I showed up to the track wearing a blonde wig and running shoes and realized I grossly misunderstood what he meant.

I know I’m gonna get hate for saying this, but there are some races that I just don’t like.

For instance, anything with an obstacle in it. Like if I’m running 10k, don’t make me climb over a wall halfway through it.

It's called the Human Race,

And we're all losing.

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A doctor, a psychologist, and a mathematician go to a horse race.

They all make their bets and plan to meet at their favorite watering hole after the race to compare their results. The doctor arrives last, orders a round for the group saying:

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juic...

What happened when two vampires had a race?

They finished neck and neck

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

Do you win many races?

Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: No, the cars are much faster.

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Race

Father Murphy wants to raise money for his church and he has heard that there is a fortune to be made in horse racing.

However, he does not have enough money to buy a horse, so he decides to buy a donkey instead and enters him in a race.

To his surprise the donkey comes third. The he...

Last night I dreamed I was driving a Ferrari in the Formula 1 championship race...

I was fast, asleep.

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