A most horrible occurrence.

A man runs into a gas station, obviously very flustered. The attendant asks "You look like you've seen a ghost. What happened?" The man looks at the attendant and says, in a very shaky voice, "It's horrible. Someone just broke into my car when I came in to pay for my gas a minute ago." The attendant...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

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Missionary

A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to
live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching
them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he
particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. "Thou must not
commit adultery or fornication!"
One d...

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves ...

Long ago,

when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate: 'Bring me my red shirt!'

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which t...

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An iron worker moves to Iraq

An iron worker moves to Iraq to make use of all the scrap metal lying around. After a few weeks of collecting he had a few close calls with finding mines in the piles of scrap, which according to the locals was a fairly common occurrence. After nearly loosing his arms for the fifth or sixth time he ...

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Boob itch

A boyfriend walks in on his girlfriend scratching her breast. Delighted that he caught a glimpse of such a rare occurrence, he cries, "Boob itch!"

His girlfriend turns to him, slaps him in the face, and says, "Don't call me that! And you didn't scare me."

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A wife gets drunk one night and thinking it would be a bit of fun, buys a voodoo doll of her husband.

She staggers home, drops the doll on the floor and falls in to bed. The next morning she wakes up, oblivious to what she had done the previous night.

Over the course of the next few days the husband experiences some very weird occurrences. He randomly develops cuts and bruises all over his b...

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender asks the horse if it wants a drink (we're assuming horses wanting drinks in this bar is a regular occurrence), to which the horse replies "I think not." It promptly disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they ar...

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

But a few days later, someone walked by and heard music coming from the grave where Beethoven lay. Scared, he ran for the priest and as the priest approached the grave he could hear some strange music from under the ground. He too, startled by the occurrence, got the magistrate. When the magistrate ...

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(Slightly NSFW) The crime rate in medieval times

A renowned knight, known for the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum Stance.

So a guy sees his ex-girlfriend on the train...

...on the way to work. Now they broke up rather amicably, so he gives her a friendly wave and she smiles back.

Once he gets to work, he sees his colleague at her desk and says to her "So I saw my ex on the train on my way over..." and before he can finish, his colleague abruptly stops typing...

Johnny is going to his girlfriend's house...

He is going to meet her parents for dinner. But first he stops at the pharmacy to pick up some condoms in case of any special occurrences. He goes to the man at the counter and asks for a pack of condoms. The man gives him the box and says, "First time, huh?" Johnny says yes and describes all the un...

The Carpool Joke

Three men decide to carpool together to work. For the first couple of days it seems great: they’re saving gas, they’re making good time, it all seems to be going perfect.

Then one night while they’re on their way home they pass through a tunnel. The three men begin to feel strange and then al...

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Marriage sex

When you first get married, you have everywhere sex. Kitchen counters, tables, couch, back yard. You're fucking everywhere.

After a few months you have bedroom sex, the often occurrence of the late night and early morning quickie.

After a few years you get into the hallway sex. When y...

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Prince Charles and the hooker...

Prince Charles and the Hooker: 4 years ago Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. “One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. ...

A man walks into a pharmacy

A man walks in to a pharmacy &, after several minutes, walks up to the woman behind the counter.
She asked, "How can I help you?"
The man replied, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."
The woman responded with, "I'm sorry. My sister & I run this pharmacy. There are no males emplo...

Three close friends were getting on in their years.

They had done all sorts of crazy things over their decades together - alligator wrestling, running with the bulls, base jumping... you name it, they've been through it. At this point in their lives, each of their respective families has decided to put them into nursing homes. Seeing as how they won'...

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Frog joke

A frog goes into a bank in search of a loan. He approaches Patricia Wack who deals with the loans in this particular bank and says "Hi, I'd like a £10,000 loan as I am doing some home renovations". Patricia is a little bemused, as it is a frog asking for a loan, but she is a polite lady and so conti...

Annoying Husband

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could heard deep into the night the old man would shout,"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and comeback and haunt you for the rest of...

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The Note

This is a joke my dad used to always tell.

A few homeless men are sitting around a fire telling stories about how the poor choices in their lives led them to poverty and eventually to living on the street. Tonight there is a newcomer to the little group and the old members are curious about h...

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A man wakes up to his wife screaming about a gorilla in the garden.

Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he staggers to the window just in time to see a huge silverback climb up into a gnarled old oak tree at the bottom of his garden. A little perplexed, he calls the RSPCA and gets put through to the Gorilla Dept.. Turns out this is a common enough occurrence, and before...

New metals are added to chemistry

A new metal is added to chemistry:

• NAME

- Husband

• SYMBOL:

- Hb

• ATOMIC WEIGHT:

1. Light when found first
2. Tends to get heavier over the years with time

• PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Boils at any time with inlaws
2. Can...

A physicist, a biologist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist are drinking coffee...

Over the course of the day they see two people enter a building across the street and three people exit. They all seem perplexed about this occurrence. The physicist says, "There must have been some error in our measurements!" The biologist replies, "The two must have reproduced!" The mathematician ...