My friend is having an affair on his wife Lorraine with a girl named Kealie,

One day his wife finds out about Kealie and says that she wants a divorce,

My friend was happy with it because he didn’t really like Lorraine so he says that he’s fine with the divorce,

A couple months go by and the divorce is final and he is ecstatic, he calls me and says,

I ca...

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is inthere already.The little boy says, "Dark in here."The man says, "Yes, it is."Boy - "I have a ba...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair

so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ....

Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.

"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."

"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."

"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the thi...

A farmer’s wife had an affair with a Maple Tree.

A farmer’s wife had an affair with a Maple tree. She was ashamed of her actions but her husband was always so busy with his farm work and rarely had time to tend to her needs. Once she became pregnant, the farmer had his suspicions, but after the baby was born, he was all but convinced the child was...

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor bo...

When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs

How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I'll never know

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Matt Hancock just quit his job because he had an affair with someone in his cabinet.

I’m surprised he had enough room in there.

My coworker caught his girlfriend having an affair with his best friend. He told her the relationship was over and to leave immediately. I asked him what he said to his best friend.

Bad dog! Very bad dog!

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discre...

My ex husband cheated during our wedding reception

I guess it really was a black tie affair

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Japanese Ministry of Artistic Affairs Warns the Art of Origami is in Decline!

More on this as the story unfolds.

A young man tells his father he's going to ask out the girl next door.

A young man tells his father he's going to ask out the girl next door. His father looks grave and says "You can't. I've never told anyone this, but you need to know ... many years ago I had an affair with her mother, and, well..." Horrified, the young man runs out of the room where his mother as...

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s ...

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A woman was having an affair While her husband was at work.

One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from ...

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A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

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A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom di...

Never, EVER be late

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words wh...

[NSFW] "Are you having an affair with the postman" I confronted my wife.

"I'm not surprised that you would be jealous of a guy who is in and out of the house in 2 minutes". She replied

God Wants To Go On Vacation

"Hmm, How about Venus?" An angel says

"No! It's way too hot there I need some place better" says God.

The angels face than lights up when he says "I've got it! How about you go down to Earth?"

God than chuckles and says "Are you kidding? Im not going down there. 2000 years ago...

What do you call a cow having an affair with a camel?

A drama dairy! :D

Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?

It was icing on the cake.

What's the most famous way a woman has ever hidden her affair from her husband?

Creating a religion.

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

Doctor's Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replie...

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Bob the Mailman

A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the mailman."

"What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"That's right," says the first guy.

"Jesus," ...

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Each year, a lawyer takes his holidays at an out of the way, country hotel.

With each visit, he continues his affair with the hotel owner’s daughter.
On his visit this year he finds out she has given birth to twin boys.
“Why on earth didn’t you tell me?” said the astonished lawyer.
“You know I would have married you and provided for the babies.”
The wom...

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I’m sure my mate Dave is having an affair with my wife.

He’s been a miserable cunt lately.

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My favorite long joke - A man is having an affair with another guy's wife when the husband comes home early.

Wife : Hide in the closest and you'll be fine.

So the man throws on his clothes and jumps in the closet. Not long after he hears a little boy's voice in the closet with him.

Boy: It's dark in here.

Man: Yeah so? Just please keep it down.

Boy: I have baseball. Do you want ...

What's NC Senate candidate Cal Cunningham's position on extra marital affairs?

Missionary.

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A man is having an affair on his wife with his secretary

One day after work they lose track of time while making love in his office. In a panic the man exclaims he must get home now or else his wife will surely know. Worried, the secretary asks what he will say. The man has an idea, and tells her to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass while h...

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher.

I walked into his shop and said to him, "Who told you you could sleep with my wife?"

He said, "Everybody."

Rodney Dangerfield

After the whole Goldilocks affair, the Bears were getting divorced. (long)

After the whole Goldilocks affair, the Bears were getting divorced.

Mama Bear didn't buy the whole "this bed's too hard, this bed's too soft, this bed's just right..." BS!

The judge was deciding on the custody arrangements for Baby Bear.

The judge asked Baby Bear, "Baby Bear do ...

I started having an affair with a married woman.

As an eligible bachelor, I started to have an affair with a married woman. We kept our activities discrete in order to avoid detection from her husband. We meet every Tuesday and Thursday in the evening because that’s when her husband is supposed to be out working.

Unfortunately, the husband ...

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A married man was having an extra-marital affair

One day when he was visiting his girlfriend,when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied,“My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the gir...

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my b...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

A man had an affair with a school secretary.

A man had an affair with a school secretary. A few years later, the secretary got the wrong number and called the man...

“Sir, I’m sorry to inform you of this, but your child has committed a serious crime on school ground.”

“Oh no,” the man replied. “Was it arson?”

A couple is driving on a highway

A couple is driving on a highway when she says, “I want a divorce.” The man doesn’t say anything, except speeds up the car.

“I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.” The man doesn’t say anything except speeds up to he car.

“I want the house...

You want to know how I keep my affairs in order?

In my little black book, alphabetically of course.

I once had a love affair in Ohio...

But I didn’t know if I was Dayton a girl in Eaton, or Eaton a girl in Dayton.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students,

Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.

Given the current state of affairs, Santa needed something new to give to naughty children this year.

Which is why he has decided to give out coalvid

The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age

A man finds out his wife is having an affair, so he calls his mate, arty, who will do anything for a pound, to murder them.

"Arty" says the cheated husband. "I want you to kill my wife and her lover."
"Okay" replies Arty, but I'll only do it if you give me a pound!"
So arty follows them both around the local shop, and as they get to the fruit and veg section he strangles the man then the woman.
The following ...

The current state of affairs...

Legal, but highly immoral.

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Sporting Chance

Mr Corporate Businessman thinks his wife may be having an affair, so one day he decides to go home early to confirm his suspicions.

Sure enough, he finds his wife in bed with a fit, young tradesman.

Shocked but without hesitation, he calmly heads to his wardrobe to reveal a fully loade...

Wife: I am having an affair

Me:
*handing the menu to the waiter*
-I'll have the affair as well.

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What do you call 2 people from different countries having sex?

Foreign Affairs

Why should you never have an affair at a bank?

There’s always a teller.

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My wife told me she's having an affair

I said "well, actually I am too."

She said "it's with your best friend, John"

"THAT SONOFABITCH IS CHEATING ON ME!?"

My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.

I said: “How can you say such a thing?”

What is the Department of Veterans Affairs in China called?

VAChina.

When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.

A bass guitar and an oboe had an affair.

It was very low key.

Dr calls man & demands he come into the office immediately.

Dr says you remember those tests we ran a couple of days ago? The man say yes. Dr says well I have some bad news and I have some really bad news. The man say well let me have the bad news first. The Dr says you only have 3 days to live & you need to get your affairs in order. The man says, wow...

Two ducks are having an affair.

hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.

“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”

“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”

A boy stays home from school one day and catches his mother having a steamy affair...

He is playing in his parents bedroom when he hears his mother lead her lover up the stairs. The boy hides away in the closet. Before things get heated, however, his father comes home early. “Quick, into the closet!,” she yells, and the lover hides inside.

“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks ...

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*Based on a true story* My wife had an affair with someone I know...

I'm just glad she finally found a douche bag that will take care of that unkempt vagina of hers.

Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts:

Dear Jim,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!
<...

What did Nicole Simpson tell Ron Goldman when they we’re having an affair?

You can eat me out but the juice might kill ya

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Superman's Affair

One night, Superman flies to chase a criminal. Suddenly he saw a naked woman at the rooftop of a building. And the woman bowed. From the top of the building, Superman stops flying. When he floated, he began to check who the woman was.

"Oh my God! That's Wonder Woman!" "What is she doing in th...

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

A man cheated on his girlfriend. Feeling ashamed, he went to confess his affair to her.

When he reached home, he saw her in bed with another man. Feeling shocked, he asks,

"Honey,why?"

She replies,

"I don't have time for our cheat chat."

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Did you hear about the bank manager who was caught having an affair with an employee?

They were fired for having safe sex.

What's the hardest thing about having an affair with a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice right

The veteran’s affairs office requests several ex-soldiers to come by and hear about a new pension plan.

“Alright men,” the official begins, “we’ve tried out a lot of pension plans in the past and none of them have worked out. At this point, we’re winging it. We’re going to measure between two points of your body, and whatever the distance is in inches, that’s how many thousand dollars you’ll get. So t...

My wife slept with a black guy from Thailand.

It was a black Thai affair.

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs...

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs. His advisor concluded it with, "and yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an attack."

"That's terrible!" responded the president. "We need to act now. I need to talk directly with the people. Set up a time for it, a...

My wife had an affair with my best friend, and it broke my heart when he said she loved him.

I asked him if he loved her back, and he said no, but he really loved her front.

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

What do you call a love affair between 3 spies?

Espionage a trois.

Kim Jong Un has an affair with a French lady and she had a son.

She named it Kim Jong Deux.

Daughter Accidentally Finds Her Mother Having An Affair. Then Her Father Calls.

"Hello?", "HI honey. This is Daddy. is Mommy
near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says. "But honey,
you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do. and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy, right now."
Brief Paus...

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(NSFW) "At one point," boasted the ageing rock star, "I was having affairs simultaneously with Ms Estefan, Ms Gaynor and Ms Steinem!"

"Sounds like a good time!" replied the interviewer.

"Good? It was fucking Glorias!"

One space rock, said to the other space rock, “got any more gossip on the affair?” The other space rock replied, “yeah, turns out Carl’s mistress... is a man!”

Space rocks always love when the story gets meteor.

My funeral is going to be a casual Satanic one...

A loose affair (Lucifer) if you will.

Man suspects his wife is having an affair

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

 

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husba...

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

The Lord of an 19th century English manor is having an affair with one of his chambermaids...

One day the chambermaid is giving him a blow-job when she hears the lady of the house approaching. She stops what she's doing and looks up at him. At that moment, he climaxes and manages to get some right in her eye.

It's messy and burning, she runs to the door, rubbing her face and tearing u...

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Stormy Daniels says Donald Trump paid $130,000 hush money to cover up an affair. Do you believe the bleached blond with big tits?

Or do you believe Stormy Daniels?

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"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," the bloke from over the road confided with me earlier

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

TIL Charles XII once had an affair, about which Sabaton will be releasing a new single to celebrate the 20 years the band has been together

Its called Carolus' ex

A couple are on a blind date. She, a New York realtor; he, a Russian businessman. After a lovely dinner, conversation turns to world affairs, and the man expresses some anti-Islamic views.

The woman is incensed, but the guy is cute so she decides to give him a second chance: “I don’t know what’s acceptable in Russia, but I don’t want to hear any of that bigoted rhetoric. Not another word! I’m going to the washroom to cool off and we’ll try again.” As the woman leaves the table the...

I went to college to study foreign affairs

And now I know how to cheat on my wife with a russian beauty!

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided to only accept people who could make him laugh...

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the gates and Saint Peter said to him:

"Alright bud, you're only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don't you tell me about how you d...

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A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

Trump allegedly had an affair with Tony the Tiger.

When reached for a comment, his response want typical: "Nope, not true. Flake news."

I had this affair with a girl from Paris

French with benefits.

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Breakfast was a very late affair that day...

and the husband and wife were fragile indeed -- badly hungover from a particularly wild party the night before. Bleary eyed, with two trembling hands holding his very black coffee, our hero said to his wife, "Was it you I had anal sex with in the garden last night?"
She struggled to bring him int...

Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar.

Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."


His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the p...

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The affair

A 29 year old man was dating a woman called ‘Lorraine’ they had been together a few years but the relationship started to get stale.

One night the man went to a bar to get away from his wife and met a woman named “Clearly” they hit it off and went back to hers to have sex.

The man beco...

I just found out my mom had an affair.

The worst part is I found out in the most blunt way possible. I was playing Call of Duty when I was informed by another player that he had carnal relations with my mother. The worst part is he sounded so young.

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

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