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Events Jokes

"Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events...

... to something like "Reigning Men."

Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark

Any darker and the police might actually do something about it

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.


One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events

Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

What does an executioner get to learn about events?

A noose-paper

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

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God: Gabriel, have you finished setting up future events for the 2020s?

Gabriel: Yes, God, I have - wait, did you say 2020s plural? As in the decade?

God: Of course, what else?

Gabriel: I thought you meant 2020 the year.

God: You put a decade worth of history in one year?

Gabriel: Yes

God: Well, shit.

Due to recent events,

James Bond no longer works for her majesty's secret service.

Did you guys hear about the Soviet dictator who kept postponing events?

Yea, he was stalin' !

Why do ducks hate going to social events with other animals?

They always end up getting stuck with the bill.

After yesterday’s events

Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too.

Why are communists always late to events?

Because they’re Stallin’!

JK. It’s cause they starved to death.

I guess we could call last night's events…

The Pursuit of Slappiness

I suck at sports events

It's a good way to make a quick buck.

Why can’t you take electricity to social events?

Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

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A sequence of events...

There once was a fly hovering above a pond who wanted to drop an inch to eat some food. In that pond was a frog who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch I can jump and eat them!”. Under the water there was a fish who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch that frog will jump for it and I...

In the spirit of Superb Owl, I am opening a strip club inspired by recent events

called Oscar’s Lap

A rabbit town hall meeting was held to discuss recent events...

A wolf had been coming to the meadow at night, and had killed and eaten a rabbit every night for the past week. They decided to put a watchrabbit on watch. When the wolf came, the watchrabbit would shout "wolf", and they would all hide. Naturally, they chose Roger, who the best eyesight.

Unfo...

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Two doctors are discussing recent events...

The doctor tells the other "At our hospital we've had a lot of deaths recently due to covid19. We're based in washington and we had 20 senators, 300 deputies, 20 governers, 1000 mayors and 1 prostitute"

The other doctor said "Really 1 prostitute how did she get it?"

See nobody cares ab...

Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events.

They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

I’ve decided to make a living renting out my two pet ferrets for events.

I’m a small business owner.

Wanda lost sight of her life after the events of Infinity War

Thankfully, she fully recovered her vision.

What tool best deals with traumatic events?

A coping saw.

I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.

Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War

Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.

Fury: Wait, are you serious?

Tony: No cap

So NASCAR has decided to ban confederate flags at all events...

Looks like all those years of turning left rubbed off on them.

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

Why does Gordon Ramsey never bet on any sports events?

Because he never likes the steakes.

What are we to do with all the canceled sporting events?

They're going to televise the world origami championships live... On "paper view"!!!

Recent events reminded me of this joke:

A jet is flying across the country when the passengers began to feel shaking.

The pilot announced, "Uh Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing. Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines! Because ...

Why was the filmmaker hated at social events?

He was super imposing.

What do fans supporting The Culinary Institute of America cheer at their sporting events?

Die or Beat Us!

How do NASA organise events

They Planet

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

Covid is canceling out all of these fun events like Circus’s, rodeos, and concerts.

In about a month, it will really be no Fair.

This evening I watched a Series of Unfortunate Events

Then I turned off the news and watched Netflix.

Events like 9/11 don't grow on trees

They grow on Bushes

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The series of events during Tekashi 6ix9ine’s trial:

Judge: I wanna be in a gang

Tekashi: I’m already in a gang

Judge: Fine then I’ll be a rapist

Tekashi: I’m already a rapist

Judge: I think we’re done here

Pope Francis has cancelled the Easter events this year due to COVID-19.

I guess he’s just gonna Passover it this year.

You know, weddings are very emotional events.

Even the cake is in tiers!

If there’s one very thing that I’ve learned during this unprecedented week of events in America...

It’s that I have the same coffee mug as Nancy Pelosi.

What do you call a snake that studies and researchers past events?

A hiiiiiiiistorian.

I'll see myself out.

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A gold one

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whisp...

Technology.( Based on true events)

My apple watch reminded me to take a minute to breathe right after my grandfather let one rip.

Twice a year there is a newsletter released about dried fruit.

On those dates it is raisin awareness of currant events.

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

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Given the recent events involving France's butter shortages...

We can all say that France has seen butter times

In light of today's events in Toronto

A lady gets on a plane and realizes that she's been seated next to an Arab man in traditional attire. She watches him cautiously during the entire flight.

When the plane lands, he gets out before her, but leaves his briefcase under the seat in front of him. Noticing this, she grabs it and fol...

With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'

It's on paperview

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Roy Moore is not happy with the events that transpired tonight

He liked it better when the night was young

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In light of recent events, I am so scared that I have stopped masturbating....

....I am worried my dick will sue me for groping, sexual harassment and over-use!

A couple of hens were discussing the days events...

... One of the hens is flustered and worried, so she tells the other hen, "I think one of us is gonna get it! I heard Farmer Brown tell Neighbour Jones that he was gonna stay home and choke the chicken tonight!"

What do you call a booth babe at Apple's events?

ICandy

Why are there so many life guards at synchronised swimming events?

Well, if one of them drowns, they all have to.

What do you call a average potato that narrates sporting events?

A common-tater

What do you call a lycanthrope who stays informed about politics & current events?

An Awarewolf

Say what you want about Olympic Skiing Events....

.....but most of that sport is going downhill fast.

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