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Little Johnny's teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday.

"The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately...

The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.

Each is given the task to find a rabbit
realeased in the woods.

The CIA uses spyplanes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.

The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am th...

There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim...

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Three men are having a contest

The contest is to see who can keep their genital in a waffle iron for the longest. The first man turns the iron on, puts his penis in, pulls out after two seconds. The next man follows suit and lasts four seconds. The third lasted an entire five minutes and when asked about how he won he said “They ...

A certain TV station was a hosting a contest and I happened to be the first caller

The host said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a basic maths question."

"Well, I've got a master's in ...

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.


Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cli...

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

What did the winner of the muscle loss contest receive as a prize?

Atrophy

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Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

There's a Miss Philadelphia contest, there's a Miss Pennsylvania contest, a Miss America contest and even a Miss Universe contest....

I wonder why the town of Big Beaver, Pennsylvania has never had a beauty contest?

There was a contest on who had the most children...

Contestant #1 walked out on the stage with 12 children behind him. The audience clapped politely, and one of the judges commented "That's a lot of kids, but you can do better."

Contestant #2 walked out on the stage, bringing with him 24 children, all of different ages. The audience clapped mo...

There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you

Second place is just a constellation prize

A woman won a wet t-shirt contest. She had my vote.

She really stuck out to me.

One Two Three Cat and Un Deux Trois Cat hold a swimming contest

Which one wins?

A: One Two Three cat, as Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq.

Zeus entered the cooking contest

I heard he cooked up a storm

I had a staring contest with the sun and I won!

The sun must’ve blinked since there doesn’t seem to be any light anymore!

I've just entered our neighborhoods tightest hat contest..

.. Just hope I can pull it off

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Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

My gardener is entering his Bonsai plants in a contest this weekend

I’m rooting for him

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest.

I was hoping one would win.

But no pun in ten did.

Did you hear of the guy who won the dirty underwear contest 7 times in a row?

He was on a real winning streak.

During my trivia game, I asked the contestants to define “defenestration”.

No one got it right, so I threw that question out the window.

China, Russia, and Brazil have a contest to see who can obliterate the American west coast...

Russia tries firing off some Nukes, but as luck would have it, the CIA's "Star Wars" satellite missile defense system stopped all the ICBMs before they even got past Hawaii.

China's turn... They send out their Naval Fleet but half of the aircraft carriers catch on fire before they...

Jesus and Satan are having a contest

They want to see who is the best programmer.

So the first challenge is screens. It's a tie.

Then Assembly. Tie again.

Web Design. Tie again.

Challenge after challenge nobody is winning. So after like five days the power fails. So they wait for it to come back on. Th...

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I just entered a blindfold masturbating contest, but I didn't win

I'm not sure where I came

What kind of barrier would be most likely to contest it's working conditions?

A picket fence.

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A male dog and a female dog are having a pissing contest, which one will win?

Obviously the male dog because he has the-leg-up.

Why did the priest win the bodybuilding contest?

he worked a lot on "mass"

A blonde enters a math contest

All her blonde friends are there in the crowd to support her.

The host proceeds to ask her the first question: "What is 11 x 3?"

The blonde thinks for a minute, and responds: "30?"

The crowd suddenly erupts: "Give her one more chance, give her one more chance."

The host a...

What’s the difference between Harry Potter and a spelling bee contestant?

One conjures spells and the other spells conjure.

There was once a poem contest...

Contestants were supposed to use the word **Timbuktu** in their poem. All contestants gave their best poems but then came along the priest and his poem was

*All along through my life*


*i had no children and had no wife*


*I read the Bible through and through*


*...

If you smoke weed before an eating contest

You're technically on performance enhancing drugs

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One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

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Three guys participate in an annual contest of monkey breeding..

The rules are simple, each participant have an intercourse with a monkey, who can make the monkey give birth to most baby monkeys, wins.

Number three is the last 3 years champion and a natural favorite. Everybody bets their money on him.

First guy gets in an spends 4 hours with the mon...

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

I heard about a double entendre contest on the radio

So I entered my sister

I love reading the local newspaper. Just last week, they had a pun contest and I submitted 10 jokes, hoping that at least one of them would win.

However, no pun in ten did.

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After a long a tiring interview process that turned into a pissing contest....

I got the offer and the hiring manger said, “Urine!”

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

A contest for political jokes is held in a communist country.

Main prize: 20 years

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Two boys were playing in the sandbox with a girl

**This is a joke my grandpa just told me (he was a Navy guy).**

Two boys were playing in the sandbox with a girl; the boys’ names were Tom and Dick and the girl’s name was Sally.

Tom decided to challenge Sally to a contest. The rules of the contest were as follows: each child had to bu...

What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing contest?

The steaks have never been higher!

I heard beauty pageant contestants use Vaseline to make it easier to smile.

I ate the whole jar and I’m still not happy.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.

The competition was pretty stiff.

I got into a cleaning contest with my friend.

I mopped the floor with him.

How did the cannibal win the cooking contest?

A lot of blood, sweat, and tears

I won a contest for draining the most water out of a towel...

I'm now known as the Lord of the Wrings.

They had a look-alike contest in China

Everybody won.

Why did Jabba win the pizza contest?

Because no one outpizzas the Hutt.

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All the vowels are having a masturbation contest.

They're trying to prove who would last the longest in bed, so they decide to start by seeing who can last the longest by themselves.

As they start, A finished within minutes, closely followed by O. Several more minutes pass, and U cant hold it any longer, climaxing. Y, deciding they didnt ide...

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

I just won a staring contest with the sun..!

I was staring at it for like 3 minutes and eventually the sun just gave up and everything went black..knowing I didn’t close my eyes I must’ve won. There’s no other explanation..

How do you play the new maga millions lottery?

Watch the drawing live and contest the results.

People are so sad I’m not entering the baking contest this year

Even their cakes are in tiers.

The Olympics of who has more children.

A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are...

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

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A priest is nervous about conducting his first church service...

...he gives it his best effort and does horribly. Feeling dejected he returns to his quarters where he finds an anonymous note, it reads: "Next Sunday, take some of the port and sip it whilst carrying out the service, it will calm your nerves."

The priest thinks this is great advice and sets ...

I was in a handwashing contest in the bathroom today...

We made eye contact the whole time. I won after three minutes.

Which keystroke combination beat all the rest in the shortcut contest?

the Win + R

What do you get when you win a muscle losing contest?

A trophy

A limbo contestant walks into a bar...

and is disqualified.

There was a contest in a town..

There was a contest in a town to win a flight on a private jet with Donald trump and there was three winners, a kid, a priest, and a teacher.

As they were on their flight, the pilot just immediately dies and the plane starts to crash. There was only four people and three parachutes and so the...

*Enters ugly contest*

Judge: Sorry, no professionals

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The Tough Man Contest

A man walks into a bar and is greeted by a woman. The woman asks the man if he would like to partake in the tough man contest. He agrees, and asks her how to win.

She says, "Well, first you'll have to pour yourself 10 shots of whiskey, knock that guy out cold at the bar, pull the dogs rotten ...

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Final question on who wants to be a millionaire.

Host: When your wife goes to sleep, what does she wear?

1. Under garments.
2. Pyjama suit.
3. She sleeps naked.
4. Something sexy.

Contestant: I would like to phone a friend.

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

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An American spy is drinking in a Soviet bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Soviet intel.

All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"

The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russia...

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A masturbation contest would be an anomaly because...

You have to come last in order to win.

A priest, rabbi and minister have a contest

A priest, rabbi and minister have a contest to see who's the best at their jobs by trying to convince a bear to join their religion. The priest goes in, sprinkles holy water on the bear and manages to convert the bear. The minister goes in, preaches, and manages to also convert the bear. The rabbi g...

CIA, MI5 and the Turkish secret service (MIT) are in a contest

And they are tasked with finding a monkey in a rainforest.

CIA goes in with its drones and tech, and comes back with the monkey in 2 hours.

MI5 goes in and with their network in the jungle villages and infiltration techniques they come back with the monkey in 1 hour.

MIT,the Tur...

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Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," s...

There was a joke telling contest in Germany

Nobody laughed, but it was very well organized.

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I challenged the President of the United States to a contest, to see who was better musically.

I challenged him on strings, and he strung me along. I tried percussion, and he beat me senseless. I even attempted to best him on woodwind, but he just blew me away. Ready to give up, I gave my best attempt on brass...

...and he just couldn't Trump it.

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A man decided to challenge God to a contest.

"Why do you want to challenge me?" God asked the man.

"I've been studying my whole life, and I think I have this god stuff all figured out." The man replied.

"Alright then. What's this challenge you speak of?"

"We have one hour to create something out of the dust from the Earth....

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What do you call a pissing contest?

A piss off

A chruch us having a bible selling contest

One person sold 10, another sold 20, but one man sold 300 bibles.

The preacher asks the man "How did you sell that many bibles?"

The man says "Wwwwell I...I...I went up...p...p...p to the d...d...door and said 'W...w...would you l..l..like to b...b...buy a b...b...bible or would you l....

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The thing about Masturbation Contests is

If you want to come first, you have to cum last

I head into my office to print something out, but the printer is out of paper...

I got some paper to refill it, and that's when I noticed something interesting. The paper company was advertising it's social media accounts... I wondered what the Paper Company was doing with an Instagram account so I decided to check them out. Turns out a large percentage of their posts were about...

Why was the prison writing contest canceled?

The warden decided that there were too many cons and not enough prose

A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.

However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.

Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.

"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who a...

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A Gentlemanly Bragging Contest

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . .

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minute...

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Man walks to the bar

Man walks to the bar. He orders a drink and looks around. Right on the bar he sees a big jar full of money, so he asks the barman what is it for.
He answers “We have a contest here. First you put 50$ to the jar and than you have to chug whole bottle of vodka. Than you must go to the room next to ...

They are having a bad posture contest at work.

I have a hunch I might win

There’s a contest on who can be the first to get a cow to smoke weed.

It’s pretty high steaks.

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

I recently came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike contest.

So close but no cigar.

Two Englishman and two Germans Get Into A Drinking Contest

They go beer to beer with each other until the Germans pull ahead at the very end

One of the Germans exclaims “Aha! Vee have beat you at your national past time!”

One of the Englishmen replies “Yeah, but we beat you twice at yours.”

Did you hear about the Cat that won the best dog contest?

It was a cat-has-trophy.

Back during the Cold War, the CIA, FBI and KGB decide to have a contest...

To prove they are the best secret service in the world, they'll have to find a rabbit in a forest.



CIA go first. After 24 hours, they get out of the forest and announce that they listened to every conversation in the forest, checked for strange lights in the sky, overthrew the King S...

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

Why are there only 49 contestants in the Miss America pageant this year?

No one wanted to wear a sash that says "I-da-ho."

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(NSFW) Milton Berle had a famously large penis. Another comedian (who also considered himself well-hung) kept pestering Berle to have a contest comparing their tools.

Berle said, "Fine, but I'm only going to take out enough to win."

10 puns entered the annual comedy contest of their town

At the end, someone from the audience asked - so who won ?

The judge replied : No pun in ten did

Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding contest

When he gets there, he realizes he seriously misunderstood the nature of the contest

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A man walks into a bar

*Please just keep reading*

He orders a drink and notices a jar of money sitting on the bar table. He then asks the bartender

“Hey bartender, what’s with that jar full of money?”

“It’s prize money” the bartender replies

Puzzled, since the man was not aware of any current c...

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Small Anatomy Contest

This is a joke to tell in a group of guy friends:

3 guys find out about a contest to find who has the smallest body parts.

Guy 1: I've got the smallest hands in the world! I can win this one easy.

Guy 2: My ears are tiny! I can win the smallest ears contest, no problem.

G...

I'm such a loser, that if I joined a contest for losers I'd be 2nd.

I won't be the 1st since I'm a freaking loser.

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If a bunch of Jamaican chefs got together and had a cooking contest...

Would it be called a “jerk off”?

The Samurai Contest

Three Samurais were arguing which of them was the best Samurai out of the three. Each believed they were the best. In the middle of their discussion, a fly comes in through the window and starts buzzing around them. Getting an idea, the first samurai takes out his sword and slashes through the air! ...

A priest, a holy roller and a rabbi have a contest to convert a bear to their religion

The rabbi tries first. The priest and holy roller end up visiting him in the hospital.

The priest says "Maybe I shouldn't have *begun* with circumcision."

-Garrison Keillor, News From Lake Wobegone, Jan 21, 2017

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The Length Contest

There was this contest for longest lengths on the human body made by an eccentric billionaire who would pay 100 dollars per centimeter on any length measured on a person.

Tall Guy: Measure me from my head to toe!And it measured 186cm, he gets 18600 dollars

Second Guy thinks he is smart...

A man sees a poster for a “Best Pun Contest”

He sends in ten of his funniest puns to the email on the poster. When he got the results back weeks later, he was disappointed.

He really thought at least one would win, but no pun in ten did.

The marching contest

Three countries were having a marching contest. America, Spain and Russia. They had 3 weeks to prepare.


The Russian soldiers marching was perfect. They were all in time, with great rhythm.


The American soldiers were also close to immaculate.


But, the Spanish soldi...

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The moonshine, the pitbull & the old lady.

John walks into a bar. As he orders a beer he sees a jar filled with 100$ bills on the counter. The bartender tells him that in order to win the jar of money, he has to complete 3 challenges, but the entry fee is 100$.

After some thinking, he decides to enter the contest. The bartender t...

Let’s have a who’s better in bed contest.

I’m hoping to be a sore loser.

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There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant;

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground wo...

Planned Parenthood is conducting a beauty contest.

The winner will be called 'Miss Carriage'.

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[NSFW] I recently participated in a dick measuring contest

There was a lot of stiff competition.

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

There was a contest in high jumps in pool

(small explaantion before joke start - in my contry Bosnian man are usually laughing stock )

There was a contest in high jumps in pool!

Winner will be the one who disturbs less water in pool and fewer drops of water get out of the pool.

Three man applied - man from USA, man from...

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The Radio Contest

A radio station is doing a contest, if a caller can name a word that isn’t in the dictionary and can use it in a sentence they will win tickets to a concert. People start calling in and naming words but either they’re in the dictionary or the DJs don’t agree with the usage.

Finally someone c...

What’s the opposite of Protest?

Contest.

Whats the opposite of Progress?

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