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Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest

He seriously misunderstood the objective.

I lost the bar trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.

Did you hear that Bill Gates lost a dance contest to Al Gore?

He didn’t have the Al Gore Rhythm

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

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Little Johnny's teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday.

"The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately...

I've invented a new talent contest where you have to dress up as a sailor and eat as much spinach as fast as possible.

I'm going to call it Popeyedol.

I find Miss Universe contest very suspicious

How come, every single year some one from our planet wins?

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.

No pun in ten did.

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Three drunk guys were having a contest to see which of them was the best fighter

The first one says to the other two "See that horse and carriage parked right there? I will beat up everyone on board while suffering nothing more than a scratch." With drunken bravado, the man set out to fulfill the dare he had imposed upon himself. Minutes later, the man returned and true to his w...

There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim an...

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A russian, an american and a dane are drinking beer, and get into a bragging contest.

The russian says: "Our navy is so large that if all the ships set out to sea at once, the fish in the ocean won't have a single spot where they can reach the surface"

The american looks sceptically at him and says: "Well, our mighty airforce is so large that if all the planes take off at once...

Man: Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets.

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets.

I dropped my sirloin on the ground during a cooking contest.

Not a worry, the steaks were low

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

A man decided to enter a local newspaper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that one would win.

Unfortunately no pun in ten did…

Well, after spending all day worrying about a food shortage at the annual spoonerism contest...

it turns out it was just a lack of pies!

I won the first place in the Politically correct quiz contest

To be fair, so did the rest of them

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The Ice Sculpture contest [OC]

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season lead to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own. ...

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A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world

A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world and after all the qualifying rounds were completed three police agencies were shortlisted for the finals, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, France National Police and NYPD.

Just so it happened that a tiger was terrorizing a near...

Chuck Norris and Superman once had an arm wrestling contest

Loser has to wear his underwear above his pants.

There was a contest on who had the most children...

Contestant #1 walked out on the stage with 12 children behind him. The audience clapped politely, and one of the judges commented "That's a lot of kids, but you can do better."

Contestant #2 walked out on the stage, bringing with him 24 children, all of different ages. The audience clapped mo...

A Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests.

He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids.

Believing that their daughter was guaran...

Two artists had an art contest...

It ended in a draw

Lawyer goes hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I ...

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

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Three guys have a dick measuring contest

The first guy: “I’m six inches”

Second guy: “that’s nothing, I’m a foot.”

Third guy: “I’m three inches….”

First guy: “dude that’s pathe-“

Third guy: “from the floor.”

Second

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."

"Why would I come in second?" asked the husband.

"Because you're a...

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I lost the sex contest...

Even though I came first!

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

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Swim Race

A local pool was holding a swim meet for the disabled. There were three contestants, one man had no arms, one man had no legs, and one man was just a disembodied head.


The contestants got up on their blocks and prepared for the race. The starting pistol fired and the three men dove into...

The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.

Each is given the task to find a rabbit
realeased in the woods.

The CIA uses spyplanes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.

The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am th...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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Urination Contest and the Nun

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of 'Our Lady of Perpetual Motion' parochial school in a VERY advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"...

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Three men are having a contest

The contest is to see who can keep their genital in a waffle iron for the longest. The first man turns the iron on, puts his penis in, pulls out after two seconds. The next man follows suit and lasts four seconds. The third lasted an entire five minutes and when asked about how he won he said “They ...

Three men were challenged to an art contest, they each had a piece of paper and a pencil, the theme was a TV screen, however, one of the men did nothing with his paper, when the judge saw it, he was dissapointed at first, but after he explained his idea to the judge, he was impressed and he won...

...Because it was Paperview!

What did the winner of the anorexia contest receive?

Atrophy

A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...

A one ton wonton won ten won.

I won first place in the Biggest Erection contest

I had some stiff competition.

Joke about a Pole in a swearing competition

A contest was set up. By who? Nobody knows.


But, the general gist was this - whoever can maintain the longest flow of cursewords wins... something.


And so, a Britton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a Pole get into the finals. Each have their own booths to psyche up and prepare for ...

A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering.

The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Four Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son.

The first woman proudly declares, "My son is a priest. When he

walks into a room people call him

'Father."

The second woman replies even more proudly, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace."

The third woman thinking she wins replies, "My...

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I got last place in the dick measuring contest.



It was really hard competition, I guess you could say.

My friend and I had a tuxedo contest

But then we realized we both forgot a crucial clothing piece.

It was a tie.

I joined a math contest the other day

And against all odds,



I was severely outnumbered

I won the first place in the Political Correctness Quiz contest..

To be fair,so did everyone else...

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Why shouldn't you get into a pissing contest with a guy?

The guy can aim.

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Where did you last have sex?

A man calls into a radio station contest to win two tickets to Hawaii. He gets through and the DJs tell him the rules. The DJs are going to ask him a question and then call his wife and ask her the same question. If their answers match then the couple win the tickets. The man acknowledges the rules ...

Lumberjack contest

A man entered a contest to see who could chop down a tree the quickest. With a clear lead, the man started swinging his axe faster and faster out of excitement. With the tree ready to fall, he took a misguided swing and chopped off both of his feet. He stayed in the competition, but came in second p...

Following the UK entry's "nul points" in last night's Eurovision song contest

Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman have announced that they are adding £250 to the jackpot.

Spelling bee judge: "Your word is 'seaward'."

Contestant: "C-U-N..."

Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."

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Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," s...

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Did you hear the one about the woman that won $500 in an orgasm contest?

She got what she came for.

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Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking in the city...

When they see a house with the sign on "Words prettiest woman contest". Snow White goes in and comes back out all happy, tiara on her head as a winner". They keep walking and see a gym with the sign up "Worlds strongest man contest". Superman goes in and comes back out as a winner with a trophy in h...

A fool wearing an eye patch enters an archery contest

The contestants are told to hit the target in the distance. The guy wearing the eye patch picks up his bow, pulls back an arrow, and releases it. The arrow completely misses the target, goes in a totally different direction, and buries itself in the hat of one of the judges. The judge jumps up, shoc...

The CIA, F.B.I and a local police department take part in a contest and are tasked with finding a rabbit released in the nearby woods

The police department deploys search squads and dogs, and after 4 hours comes back with the rabbit.

The FBI deploys helicopters and drones and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The CIA comes back after 30 minutes with a badly beaten bear who cries out “I am the rabbit! And I surrender”

They started a poetry contest at my local prison But I don't know how I feel about that

There are prose and cons

I had a staring contest with the sun and I won!

The sun must’ve blinked since there doesn’t seem to be any light anymore!

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Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

What do you cvall it when a cow wanders into a beauty contest?

Miss Steak

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A challenge you can't win...

A man walks into a bar, and spots a jar full of 20 dollar bills. He asks the bartender what its for. He says "We have a little contest going on. If you put down 20 dollars, you have to walk up to the big guy at the end of the bar and slug him in the face". The man says "Hmm, not bad, I think I could...

What's the rarest category on Jeopardy?

Contestants with southern accents

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution....

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Darryl was called into the doctor s office first and asked if he understood...

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Thank you Russia...

for this beautiful green tractor! Woke up one day to see this massive beauty on my front road. Too bad it didn't have any fuel, had to tow it to my garage to fill her up.


Seems like I could store plenty of stuff in these 2 big boxes at the top. "Miss suh les"? Is that a new Russian word...

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. ...

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In a faraway kingdom, a King is looking for a brave person....

This person is to be assigned as the protector of his newborn daughter. He sets up a Royal Tournament, with a cash prize of 10,000 gold coins. The contest becomes famous globally. Dave hearing about the contest, also attends to watch.

On the day of the tournament, he gathers everyone on a riv...

All his life, Pedro had wanted to be a pirate. And when he got the opportunity to interview for a position on a pirate ship, he was overjoyed...

Arriving at the quay, Pedro and the other pirate hopefuls stood around and waited for the captain to call them one by one on board for their interviews.

The captain emerged, but much to Pedro's surprise, instead of conducting individual interviews one-on-one on board the ship, the captain bid...

A certain TV station was a hosting a contest and I happened to be the first caller

The host said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a basic maths question."

"Well, I've got a master's in ...

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I just entered a blindfold masturbating contest, but I didn't win

I'm not sure where I came

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One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

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All the vowels are having a masturbation contest.

They're trying to prove who would last the longest in bed, so they decide to start by seeing who can last the longest by themselves.

As they start, A finished within minutes, closely followed by O. Several more minutes pass, and U cant hold it any longer, climaxing. Y, deciding they didnt ide...

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Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

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Woodcutting contest

Once upon a time, there was a woodcutting contest. The tasks included plank cutting, stacking and all the sham, everything within 1 hour.


The first contestant shows up.
The jury asks 'Where are you from?'
'I come from England.' the contestant proudly replies.
'Indeed, you...

One Two Three Cat and Un Deux Trois Cat hold a swimming contest

Which one wins?

A: One Two Three cat, as Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq.

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I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.

The competition was pretty stiff.

bar games

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I stopped off at that new bar down the street last night. They were having a contest where the first person who talked lost," he tells the bartender. "It was quite the competition, to say the least."

There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you

Second place is just a constellation prize

Zeus entered the cooking contest

I heard he cooked up a storm

There's a Miss Philadelphia contest, there's a Miss Pennsylvania contest, a Miss America contest and even a Miss Universe contest....

I wonder why the town of Big Beaver, Pennsylvania has never had a beauty contest?

A blonde enters a math contest

All her blonde friends are there in the crowd to support her.

The host proceeds to ask her the first question: "What is 11 x 3?"

The blonde thinks for a minute, and responds: "30?"

The crowd suddenly erupts: "Give her one more chance, give her one more chance."

The host a...

How did the cannibal win the cooking contest?

A lot of blood, sweat, and tears

Why did Jabba win the pizza contest?

Because no one outpizzas the Hutt.

My gardener is entering his Bonsai plants in a contest this weekend

I’m rooting for him

A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.

However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.

Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.

"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who a...

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A Gentlemanly Bragging Contest

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . .

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minute...

How does Dwayne Johnson sign up for a music contest?

Rock enrolls

\[Rock 'n' rolls\]

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

During my trivia game, I asked the contestants to define “defenestration”.

No one got it right, so I threw that question out the window.

Rumor has it this one won a "best joke" contest

A man gets a job driving the Sesame Street school bus.

It's his first day...

At stop number one, a husky young girl gets on. "I'm Patty," she says.

Stop number two sees a chubby young lady. "Hi, Patty!" She calls. "Hi, Patty!" says the first girl.

At the next, a mother...

I heard about a double entendre contest on the radio

So I entered my sister

A woman won a wet t-shirt contest. She had my vote.

She really stuck out to me.

There was once a poem contest...

Contestants were supposed to use the word **Timbuktu** in their poem. All contestants gave their best poems but then came along the priest and his poem was

*All along through my life*


*i had no children and had no wife*


*I read the Bible through and through*


*...

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Three guys participate in an annual contest of monkey breeding..

The rules are simple, each participant have an intercourse with a monkey, who can make the monkey give birth to most baby monkeys, wins.

Number three is the last 3 years champion and a natural favorite. Everybody bets their money on him.

First guy gets in an spends 4 hours with the mon...

Jesus and Satan are having a contest

They want to see who is the best programmer.

So the first challenge is screens. It's a tie.

Then Assembly. Tie again.

Web Design. Tie again.

Challenge after challenge nobody is winning. So after like five days the power fails. So they wait for it to come back on. Th...

If you smoke weed before an eating contest

You're technically on performance enhancing drugs

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Sex contest (mildly NSFW)

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englisman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.

"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can ...

Why did the priest win the bodybuilding contest?

he worked a lot on "mass"

The Samurai Contest

Three Samurais were arguing which of them was the best Samurai out of the three. Each believed they were the best. In the middle of their discussion, a fly comes in through the window and starts buzzing around them. Getting an idea, the first samurai takes out his sword and slashes through the air! ...

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A male dog and a female dog are having a pissing contest, which one will win?

Obviously the male dog because he has the-leg-up.

What kind of barrier would be most likely to contest it's working conditions?

A picket fence.

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The Radio Contest

A radio station is doing a contest, if a caller can name a word that isn’t in the dictionary and can use it in a sentence they will win tickets to a concert. People start calling in and naming words but either they’re in the dictionary or the DJs don’t agree with the usage.

Finally someone c...

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

A chruch us having a bible selling contest

One person sold 10, another sold 20, but one man sold 300 bibles.

The preacher asks the man "How did you sell that many bibles?"

The man says "Wwwwell I...I...I went up...p...p...p to the d...d...door and said 'W...w...would you l..l..like to b...b...buy a b...b...bible or would you l....

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A masturbation contest would be an anomaly because...

You have to come last in order to win.

I just won a staring contest with the sun..!

I was staring at it for like 3 minutes and eventually the sun just gave up and everything went black..knowing I didn’t close my eyes I must’ve won. There’s no other explanation..

What’s the difference between Harry Potter and a spelling bee contestant?

One conjures spells and the other spells conjure.

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After a long a tiring interview process that turned into a pissing contest....

I got the offer and the hiring manger said, “Urine!”

I love reading the local newspaper. Just last week, they had a pun contest and I submitted 10 jokes, hoping that at least one of them would win.

However, no pun in ten did.

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

Why did Olaf lose the schnitzel-eating contest?

Because Olaf ate six, Sven ate nine.

Which keystroke combination beat all the rest in the shortcut contest?

the Win + R

Back during the Cold War, the CIA, FBI and KGB decide to have a contest...

To prove they are the best secret service in the world, they'll have to find a rabbit in a forest.



CIA go first. After 24 hours, they get out of the forest and announce that they listened to every conversation in the forest, checked for strange lights in the sky, overthrew the King S...

The King's Contest

There was once a King of a faraway land, and he was bored. So we called a contest for all the knights of the land to determine which had the mightiest "weapon".

The knights and their audience gathered in the great hall, and the contest began. The first knight stepped forward, dropped his pant...

There was a joke telling contest in Germany

Nobody laughed, but it was very well organized.

What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing contest?

The steaks have never been higher!

I just won a farting contest.

The judges were blown away.

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Contest! The Three Funniest Jew Jokes get a free Christmas hat [US & Canada Only]

We're jews over at Rally Flip Cap and we think Jewish jokes are hilarious. We also think ironic prizes are hilarious. So to celebrate Hanukkah we're going to giveaway 3 Merry Christmas hats!

The 3 most upvoted jokes get this hat for free, completely free, including the shipping, no hidden fe...

Two Englishman and two Germans Get Into A Drinking Contest

They go beer to beer with each other until the Germans pull ahead at the very end

One of the Germans exclaims “Aha! Vee have beat you at your national past time!”

One of the Englishmen replies “Yeah, but we beat you twice at yours.”

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A radio station was having a contest to see who could come up with a new word

Host: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

Host: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”

Host: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to the Bahamas: What sentence can you use...

There’s a contest on who can be the first to get a cow to smoke weed.

It’s pretty high steaks.

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