Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in th...

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Two owls siting on a tree branch during a quiet night.

One if them suddenly says: "hoooo hoooooooo"

The other one turns and replies: "Fuck you Garry, you scared the shit out of me. "

We went to visit my brother in hospital because he had crashed his motorbike into a tree and impaled himself onto a tree branch i asked the doctor "How is he?"...

The doctor said "He's not out of the woods yet"....

Apples have been cultivated by taking off branches of one tree and splicing them into another trees.

Luckily, animal breeders took another approach.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

How many Branch Davidians does it take to start a fire?

76

I 3D printed a tree branch today

It's PLA stick

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

What did the branch say to the tree?

Look, I’m growing on you!

How did the branch feel when it was thrown into a machine?

Chipper

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Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.

One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"

A Man...

A Man is stopped by an Old Woman who was holding out seeds and says "take these seeds and you will be on your way to success."
The man takes the seeds and plants them, going to sleep and waking up the next day to find the seeds have sprouted into a gigantic tree. A booking voice rings out from ab...

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

Where did the branches of the armed services get their names from?

From the mili-tree

A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.

Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree.

"What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel.

"I want to eat some cherries."

"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here."

"It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."

"There are three crows sitting on a branch,

you shoot one, how many are left?" The teacher asks little Jack.
"None Mrs. Parker, because the others would've flown away after hearing the gunshot."
"The correct answer is two little Jack, but I like the way you think."
"Well Mrs. parker, I have a question for you too. There are thr...

What do you call two crows on a branch?

Attempted murder.



What do you call a male human's response to this joke?

Man'slaughter.

How different military branches use stars

The Army sleeps under the stars

The Navy navigates by the stars

And the Airforce choose hotels by the stars

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

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A Sergeant was walking through base housing when he noticed a boy playing in mud

Being curious, he walked over and saw that the boy was building something with the mud.

"Watcha building son" he asked.

"An Army soldier" exclaimed the boy.

"This is a *Marine Corp base base son! You should be building a *Marine!!" chastised the Sergeant.

"I would," the ...

My Name ist short

An employee from a different Branche visits.

Coworker: "you should know that the Boss Here is called featherstonehaugh. He dislikes being mispronounced so try to remember it. My own Name is 'short'."

Employee: "my name is short too, it's 'Long'."

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

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A snake bit a man on his penis

Two friends were hiking deep in the woods for a few days. On the second day, while one hiker is peeing, he is bitten by a snake on his penis. Through excruciating pain, he manages to crawl back to the campsite to his friend.

\*"A snake bit me on the penis!! You need to go get help!"\*
...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms ...

What kind of music does a fallen tree branch dance to?

Log-rhythm

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The branches of the military.

The four branches encounter a bug in the tent.

The army shoots the bug.

The marines eat the bug.

The navy drowns the bug.

The air force calls room service to ask why the fuck there's a tent in their room.

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A well-off man is driving home in his new Ferrari...

The man is enjoying the attention from passers-by, and isn't paying much attention to the road. Distracted, he makes a wrong turn and drives off a cliff.

His Ferrari falls to the bottom and smashes to pieces, but by a freak stroke of luck, the man manages to save himself by grabbing onto an ...

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A USMC General, US Army General, USAF General and a Navy Admiral were arguing about which branch has the bravest servicemembers.

The Marine General trying to prove his men and women were the most brave said, “watch this” and commanded a nearby Marine Corporal to shoot himself in the head with his sidearm... the Corporal drew his pistol blew his head off and the Marine General said, “See, the Marines are the bravest.”

T...

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Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

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Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".


Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

Sam was a man with big dreams who lived in a small countryside village

One day, sam decided to follow his dreams and went to the big city. "Now you gotta find a job, Sam" he said to himself, and went to search for one.

After being rejected from several job interviews, Sam returns defeated to his home, there, he decides not to give up. With some money from his pa...

If the British shortbread company opened up a branch in Austin and then threw a huge party to celebrate...

...it would be a Walkers: Texas rager

Law Enforcement

Back in the 80's the government wanted to have a competition to see which branch of law enforcement was most effective. They released 3 rabbits into 3 separate forests and asked the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD to go find the rabbits. The FBI, after questioning the plants and minerals, determine rabb...

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Financial collapse in Japan

Origami Bank has folded.


Sumo Bank has gone belly up.


Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.


Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.


There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they...

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A joke about the different branches of the US military.

“What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”

A sailor says, “I’d step on it”

A soldier says “ I’d report it to my CO”

A marine says “I’d catch it, cut off it’s tail and eat it!”

An airman responds “I’d pick up the phone and call room service and ask why’s the...

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An old farmer is sitting on his front porch ...

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch early one morning when he sees the neighbor's kid walking up the dirt road. The farmer notices the boy is carrying something. "Hey boy,” the farmer says. “Whatcha got there?"

"This here is some chicken wire. I’m gonna go catch some chickens!”
...

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The moral of the story.

One day a monkey was walking in the jungle when he heard a terrible screeching sound. He ran on further to find that an Ostrich was stuck in the deep mud near a watering hole. The monkey dare not try to go into the mud, he tried to find a branch from a tree.. but it was too small. He had no rope. Wa...

A tree lives next to a lake. One day, the tree loses a branch and asks the lake, "Would you bring that back to me?"

The lake says he shorewood.

A baby turtle...

...was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.


About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, d...

the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to

If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to...

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What's the best name for the groups of armed anti-stay-at-home protesters?

Vanilla Isis

Flu Klux Klan

Lack Panthers

HamAss

Meal Team Six

Gravy Seals

Irrational Guard

Y'all Qaeda

Branch Covidians

Boko Moron

The Coughedaracy

101st Chairborne

Cosplaytriots

The Yeehadis

Hogan's Ze...

Southern family trees are like palm trees...

No branches and the family members are fronds with benefits

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Two Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during wh...

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The ...

Did you hear Scotland is forming a new branch of their military?

They are calling it The Scotchgard. Its motto is "To protect the very fabric of our nation."

I was walking through the park this morning, when I saw a man, standing on a tree branch, with a rope around his neck...

I asked him what was happening and he screamed, "After I jump, everyone will dearly miss me when they recall that I hung myself!"

I immediately assured him that that would not be the case, even if he jumped, right there, in front of my very eyes, that's not what people will say!!

Tear...

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

Two soldiers are lost in the desert, thirsty and starving.

Ahead they see a tree with strips of meat hanging from its branches.

"A bacon tree!" the first exclaims and he runs towards it only to be cut down by a sniper's bullet.

"That's no bacon tree," says the other. " That's a ham-bush!"

My friends gave me the nickname branches...

Because it sticks.

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There’s a LGBT branch of Ku Klux Klan

It’s called, Gay-K-K

I don't know why my bank wants me to visit their local branch.

I've been walking for an hour now and still can't find it. This is a really beautiful forest though.

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In the early morning...

In the early morning, when spring had just started, the was a caterpillar. This caterpillar had to grow big to become a butterfly, so it was eating a large leaf, hanging on a tree near a lake. On a branch above the caterpillar was a magpie, observing the caterpillar. Everyone knows corvids are excep...

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

What branch of the military is most superior at hand-to-hand combat?

The Arm-y

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to see a Buddhist monk standing between two trees, beckoning him over.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You trying to talk...

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Did you hear about the prostitute that had tree branches for hands?

She had to beat all the men off with a stick.

Why the different branches of the military can't work together:

The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every ...

A Christian, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist all die...

They find themselves on a path in the clouds. First they path slopes down, and they're amazed at how easy it is with the sun on their backs. When it slopes up, they're surprised to find they're not winded. The path curves around a bend slightly to the north. Continuing the curve, they feel the heat ...

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. "Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up the...

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrive...

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

When asked to secure the building, the different branches of the military all took unique approachs.

The Army set up a defensive perimeter. Surrounding the building with 50cal implacements, tanks, sandbags, barbed wire and strategically placed snipers.

The SAS approached under the cover of night and stormed the building with a hard and fast two pronged ground and air assault.

The Na...

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2 Irishmen,2 Scotsman and 2 Englishmen are hanging onto a tree branch for dear life

I apologize if its crap.

2 Irishmen,2 Scotsman and 2 Englishmen are hanging onto a tree branch for dear life, 50 feet above the ground. Suddenly, they hear the branch slowly cracking. One of the Irishmen says that it cant hold everyone's weight, two of them are going to have to let go. The tw...

Did you hear about the sales on olive branches?

They've been extended

(I know that's a reach... I'll live if you don't accept... Just trying to branch out... Please treet me with respect)

Why didn't set theory become a branch of mathematics until the mid 1800's?

Before then, the only legal union was between man and woman.

You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":

Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.

Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.

Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.

Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out d...

Who has a better personal protection, Russians or Americans?

Russians.

Here is a joke from the 1980′s.

Gorbachev and Reagan meet at the Grand Canyon to discuss security.

They start to argue about who has the better personal security. Naturally, Gorbachev says that he does, and Reagan says “No”, he does. So they go outside to settle this...

Tiger woods and the old caddy

Tiger was playing a round at Pebble Beach, his regular caddy was not available so an old-timer in the pro-shop offered to carry his bags. Tiger agreed and off they went.

Every time that Tiger hit a bad shot, the old caddy would say...

...when i was a young man, i would go for the gr...

To what branch of the military to babies belong?

The infantry.

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Bear escaped from the zoo

Bear escaped from the zoo. No one can find it.

Finally, grandma calls 911: - Oh, a bear got into my yard and climbed on a tree! Take it away, I'm scared!!

A man comes with a small dog, gives grandma a rifle, points out at the dog and says: - Grandma, this is Biscuit. I'm going to clim...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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A company is like a huge tree, with monkeys on each branch

The people on the top look down and see nothing but smiling faces, and the people at the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Two owls sat on a branch

One said to the other "i got married the other day" to which the second replies, "You twit, to who?"

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On a beautiful lake in the middle of a forest...

is a small water strider minding its own business. Right above him, on a small branch sits a spider.
"Oh boy, I'm totally jumping down there and have that water strider for breakfast!" it thinks.

Right under the surface swims a fish. "Yummy, when the spider jumps down on the water strider,...

How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces!

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:

The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS would assault the b...

A once small tree house building business exploded into a giant nationwide company.

They have branches everywhere these days.

An oilfield worker drives past the same farm everyday and always notices this pig with 3 legs.

One day he finally decides to stop by the farm and ask the farmer what’s going on with that pig.

“Well,” the farmer says, “my house was burning down one day and my poor old dog was trapped in there. Full on flames and smoke and that pig ran in and saved my dog.”

“Did his leg burn off?...

Why could the chef not cook a tree branch?

Because he used a non-stick pan.

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

Two men in the woods

These 2 guys are out walking through the woods, they come upon a clearing with a big hole in the middle of it. The first guy says to the second "I wonder how deep this hole is" "I don't know, let's find something to toss in here and see if we can hear it hit the bottom", says the second. So they go ...

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While Tarzan was swinging through the jungle one day he missed a branch And fell to the jungle floor.

He woke up in the witch doctors hut where he was told they had to replace his eye with an eagles eye, his arm with a monkey arm, his legs with a cheetahs legs and his penis with an elephants trunk.

The witch doctor told him to go home and come back if he has any problems

A week went by...

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Which military branch has the biggest balls?

One day, a general from each branch of the Armed Forces are sitting around arguing about which branch has the biggest balls. They decide to each try to prove that their branch has the biggest balls, so up steps the marine general who calls over a marine. "Marine, I want you to stand at attention in ...

A hiker stuck on a branch

A hiker slipped over the edge of a cliff, and would surely have fallen to his death except for a branch he managed to grab, just a few feet from the top. He clung there in terror and yelled, "Help! Can anybody hear me?" A booming voice said, "I am God. Just let go of that branch and I'll catch you."...

If money dosnt grow on trees

why do banks have branches?

My friend who is an arborist just got promoted to a new position!

Branch manager...

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?

Now he's a branch manager.

A urologist and a ear nose and throat doctor are golfing

When one of them sees an owl asleep in a tree by the ninth hole. The urologist looks over to the ENT doc and says “hey! I bet you 200$ I can give that owl a vasectomy without it waking up!”
The ENT doc says “you’re on!” The urologist goes up to the owl, rubs a special spot on its neck and perfor...

A man is walking on a beach, and finds a lamp containing a genie that offers him 3 wishes, however, whatever his wish, his mother-in-law gets double of it.

The man is upset at first since he hated his mother-in-law, but decides to try it out.

"I wish for a hundred million dollars" the man told the genie.

The genie nods his head, and $100,000,000 appears before the man.

"Gtanted, but Your mother-in-law now has $200,000,000 as well" ...

The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...

And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...

For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,

For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eig...

After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"

The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."

The tree looked embarrassed...

"But, I'm sure we'...

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -

...

did you hear about my friend? he went hiking but got is leg stuck in some branches.

he was in a pretty stick-ey situation.

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A badass

A group of cowboys are out camping in the middle of the woods. Night time comes and they build a fire and cook beans and make a pot coffee. All the sudden they hear a bunch of branches snap and crack, a hellacious amount of movement coming from the woods. They begin to panic and a man appears from t...

2 beat cops call the crime branch on phone

Hello! Crime branch?

Yes.

This is sergeant John. We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman?

No Sir! The floor is still wet!

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Tarzan was swinging through the jungle high in the canopy and his vine breaks....

He fell hitting jagged branches and thorns for about a hundred feet or so and slammed into the ground below wounded and dying.

A few hours later a witch doctor comes across him and decides to drag his lifeless body to his hut to try to help him. The witch Dr. examines Tarzan and sees that dur...

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Why did the police drop the charges against the man accused of being an olive branch?

Because the charges wooden stick.



My humblest apologies.
* The case! Drop the case! Ah fuckit.

A bunch of bats are hanging on a tree branch...

BAT A: Hey look at Harry he's hanging the other way up!! (like a bird)

BAT B: He's been having these fainting spells all week.

A squirrel and an owl are sitting on a tree branch, watching a farmer plow his field...

The owl looks at the squirrel, and doesn't say anything, because owls don't talk.
Then the owl eats the squirrel, because he's a bird of prey.

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There’s a fly buzzing over the water.

A frog is sitting on a lily pad and he says if that fly drops three inches I’ll eat him for lunch.
A fish under the water is looking up and he says if that fly drops three inches that frog will jump, then I’ll jump and I’ll eat that frog for lunch.
There’s a bear on the side of the pond and...

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats...

Little Mary is riding a train with her grandma

Suddenly, Mary opens the window and leans out.
,,Watch out Mary, you might get hurt by tree branches." says grandma.
Mary replies,,Don't worry grandma, there are no trees, just co-co-co-co-co-co-concrete pillars."

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