2 monkeys sat on a branch, one says "ooh ooohh aha ha aha!"

The other says "careful, that's hot."

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 s...

What do you call two crows sitting on a branch

Attempted murder

A man is hanging from a branch

A man is hanging by a branch above a ravine and looks down then back up and says “if there is anyone up there tell me what to do, give me faith” then a voice responds “ if you have faith then let go” so the man looks down then back up and says “ is there anyone else up there”

I'm surprised how few artist branch out to become detectives.

Afterall, they're really good at drawing conclusions.

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in th...

The British Flat Earth society opened a branch in the US

It is called Apartment Earth Society.

A guy was cutting some branches off a tree next to an asylum and fell inside

The knife fell far away, and a prisoner inside got it before he did, and he started running towards him with the knife.

He ran for his life, until he couldn’t run anymore, he fell.

When the prisoner reached him, he dropped the knife next to him and said “Your turn!”

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In an attempt to make up for poor sales, the Willy Wonka company is branching out and making a line if chastity belts

They're calling them "Everlasting Knob Stoppers".

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

The Air Force is the most patriotic branch of the military

Cuz they USAF

A turtle is standing on tree branch and looks around

Then she jumps. But no matter how much she waves her limbs she of course falls down. Undeterred she climbs up again, climbs on tree branch and jumps again. And of course crashes to the ground again. Yet again she climbs up, ready to jump again. Two pigeons are looking at her and one turns to other "...

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Two statues were in a park

Two statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such great statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can...

Two drunk men were walking down the road when they see a nice house..

Carl goes 'Eh, I bet we can push that'
John goes 'Yeaah but let's take our shirts off so we don't get paint on them'

They take their shirts off and hang them off a tree branch and start pushing.... the building.

A thief comes and steals their shirts...

*3 minutes later*
...

"There are three crows sitting on a branch,

you shoot one, how many are left?" The teacher asks little Jack.
"None Mrs. Parker, because the others would've flown away after hearing the gunshot."
"The correct answer is two little Jack, but I like the way you think."
"Well Mrs. parker, I have a question for you too. There are thr...

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A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough st...

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Man thinks his wife cheats on him when he's at work...

He can't afford cameras, and he aint the brightest guy around, so he thinks a parrot will do the trick. He'll watch what's going on in the house when the man's away and tell him when he gets back.



He goes to a store and explains the situation.

\-I got a great selection of parro...

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car.

He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go.

So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows hi...

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Two owls siting on a tree branch during a quiet night.

One if them suddenly says: "hoooo hoooooooo"

The other one turns and replies: "Fuck you Garry, you scared the shit out of me. "

We went to visit my brother in hospital because he had crashed his motorbike into a tree and impaled himself onto a tree branch i asked the doctor "How is he?"...

The doctor said "He's not out of the woods yet"....

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John was walking by the old man's house with some duck tape

"Whattaya doin' with that duck tape?" The old man asked.

"Gonna catch me some ducks!" John replied.

The old man was skeptical, but 20 minutes later, John walked by with 5 ducks attached to the tape.

The next day, John walked past the house with some chicken wire.

"Whattay...

A little boy and a man are walking hand-in-hand down a forest path at dusk...

The shadows are lengthening, a breeze is blowing, dead leaves are skittering, tree branches are rattling & creaking and the underbrush is rustling. The little boy looks up at the man and says, "Gee, it sure is scary in these woods!" The man replies, "You think you're scared, kid. I gotta walk ...

How many Branch Davidians does it take to start a fire?

76

Apples have been cultivated by taking off branches of one tree and splicing them into another trees.

Luckily, animal breeders took another approach.

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

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The branches of the military.

The four branches encounter a bug in the tent.

The army shoots the bug.

The marines eat the bug.

The navy drowns the bug.

The air force calls room service to ask why the fuck there's a tent in their room.

I 3D printed a tree branch today

It's PLA stick

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My date..

I was at a gas station pumping gas when this cute girl pulled up next to me. She was in a Camaro and asking me questions about my car. Great convo we had, so i asked her on a date . I came to pick her up the night after, she was in a wheel chair! Surprised the hell out of me. So we went for a stroll...

I finally made a social media account, but my only followers were my parents.

Maybe I should try branching out from OnlyFans.

A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.

Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree.

"What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel.

"I want to eat some cherries."

"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here."

"It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to see a Buddhist monk standing between two trees, beckoning him over.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You trying to talk...

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3 men decided to take a walk down a nature trail

They all had long work weeks and just wanted some peace and quiet. After some walking together, the trail branched off into 3 separate paths. They discuss what they wanted to do next and decided they all wanted some alone time, and that the paths would meet back up anyways. They go their seperate wa...

How did the branch feel when it was thrown into a machine?

Chipper

Little Red Riding Hood

One day, little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest and wanted to visit her grandmother. Suddenly she hears rustling behind a bush. She pushes the branches aside and yells: “Oh, wolf, why do you have such big eyes?" The wolf replies:, "Get lost! Why can’t I even take a dump in peace?”

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A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....

He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an ‘ah so’, and leaves.

He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, ‘fluctuations’!!

He angril...

What do you call two crows on a branch?

Attempted murder.



What do you call a male human's response to this joke?

Man'slaughter.

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Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".


Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

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Gorilla Hunting *long*

A very rich man decides that he is going to take a trip to Africa to hunt the legendary Great White Gorilla. But as he has no hunting experience, he places an ad to hire a hunting guide. Days go by and no one answers his ad. The man is scheduled to leave for his trip in 2 days and still not a single...

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Big Game Hunter goes to Siberia to hunt Russian Bear

When he arrives on the train station (probably the only one in Siberia) he is greeted by the village hunter/gatherer/provider who has a very mangy, tiny, old dog leashed with a massive iron chain.
\-"Right, I'll help you." says the native "Here's what we're going to need: A great big blow horn,...

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A joke about the different branches of the US military.

“What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”

A sailor says, “I’d step on it”

A soldier says “ I’d report it to my CO”

A marine says “I’d catch it, cut off it’s tail and eat it!”

An airman responds “I’d pick up the phone and call room service and ask why’s the...

Where did the branches of the armed services get their names from?

From the mili-tree

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

How different military branches use stars

The Army sleeps under the stars

The Navy navigates by the stars

And the Airforce choose hotels by the stars

I was walking through the park this morning, when I saw a man, standing on a tree branch, with a rope around his neck...

I asked him what was happening and he screamed, "After I jump, everyone will dearly miss me when they recall that I hung myself!"

I immediately assured him that that would not be the case, even if he jumped, right there, in front of my very eyes, that's not what people will say!!

Tear...

What's the secret to your happy marriage?

The future son in law asks his future father in law.

He replies:

Well son, I took my new wife to the Grand canyon for our honeymoon. We rented mules to go down into the canyon. About a ¼ mile in the mule my betrothed was on steped into a hole on the trail and almost threw her. She whis...

So there’s this frog.

He just got married, and he and his wife are looking to buy a house. The only problem is, he doesn't have any money in the bank :(

He and his wife realize that their only choice is to try to apply for a pretty big loan. The frog heads to the local bank, and meets with the loan officer - a lov...

If the British shortbread company opened up a branch in Austin and then threw a huge party to celebrate...

...it would be a Walkers: Texas rager

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A USMC General, US Army General, USAF General and a Navy Admiral were arguing about which branch has the bravest servicemembers.

The Marine General trying to prove his men and women were the most brave said, “watch this” and commanded a nearby Marine Corporal to shoot himself in the head with his sidearm... the Corporal drew his pistol blew his head off and the Marine General said, “See, the Marines are the bravest.”

T...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to

If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to...

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There was a rude monkey who always made fun of the a lion.

So there lion always ignored him and pretended the monkey didn't exist. Anyhow one time the monkey came and barraged the lion with insults, while a lioness was watching.

As usual the lion ignored, even though the monkey was on the ground, not even trying to hide.

Angry at the lion, th...

A tree lives next to a lake. One day, the tree loses a branch and asks the lake, "Would you bring that back to me?"

The lake says he shorewood.

What kind of music does a fallen tree branch dance to?

Log-rhythm

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The ...

Did you hear Scotland is forming a new branch of their military?

They are calling it The Scotchgard. Its motto is "To protect the very fabric of our nation."

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

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There’s a LGBT branch of Ku Klux Klan

It’s called, Gay-K-K

A blonde is walking past a pasture

Being curious about various farm animals and seeing a farmer nearby she asks him "How come those cows don't have horns? I thought cows have horns." Farmer, happy to explain the situation to polite woman nods and says "You see miss, we often remove horns from cows. That way they don't get into accide...

Why the different branches of the military can't work together:

The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every ...

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2 Irishmen,2 Scotsman and 2 Englishmen are hanging onto a tree branch for dear life

I apologize if its crap.

2 Irishmen,2 Scotsman and 2 Englishmen are hanging onto a tree branch for dear life, 50 feet above the ground. Suddenly, they hear the branch slowly cracking. One of the Irishmen says that it cant hold everyone's weight, two of them are going to have to let go. The tw...

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An old man is sitting on his porch one morning watching the neighborhood

He notices a boy walking by with a roll of chicken wire. He calls over to the boy and asks him what he’s doing with the chicken wire. The boy replies “I’m going to use this chicken wire to go catch some chickens”. The man laughs it off but that afternoon he sees the boy walking back by his house wit...

What branch of the military is most superior at hand-to-hand combat?

The Arm-y

My friends gave me the nickname branches...

Because it sticks.

I don't know why my bank wants me to visit their local branch.

I've been walking for an hour now and still can't find it. This is a really beautiful forest though.

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Did you hear about the prostitute that had tree branches for hands?

She had to beat all the men off with a stick.

To what branch of the military to babies belong?

The infantry.

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A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter and had gone all out

a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The...

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":

Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.

Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.

Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.

Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out d...

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. "Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up the...

Why didn't set theory become a branch of mathematics until the mid 1800's?

Before then, the only legal union was between man and woman.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

For Palm Sunday Sister Agnes wanted to bring a lovely bouquet of anemones.

However, the sanctuary was already decorated with palm branches. The pastor said, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

Did you hear about the sales on olive branches?

They've been extended

(I know that's a reach... I'll live if you don't accept... Just trying to branch out... Please treet me with respect)

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A company is like a huge tree, with monkeys on each branch

The people on the top look down and see nothing but smiling faces, and the people at the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

When asked to secure the building, the different branches of the military all took unique approachs.

The Army set up a defensive perimeter. Surrounding the building with 50cal implacements, tanks, sandbags, barbed wire and strategically placed snipers.

The SAS approached under the cover of night and stormed the building with a hard and fast two pronged ground and air assault.

The Na...

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An old man is on his death bed

His wife is there with him. He gently grabs her hand and begins:"My sweet wife...Do you remember that time when in the first spring in our new house, I was pruning that old tree and a branch hit me in the head, getting me ten stitches?"

Wife: "Yes, my love. I remember."

Husband: "You w...

Why could the chef not cook a tree branch?

Because he used a non-stick pan.

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Which military branch has the biggest balls?

One day, a general from each branch of the Armed Forces are sitting around arguing about which branch has the biggest balls. They decide to each try to prove that their branch has the biggest balls, so up steps the marine general who calls over a marine. "Marine, I want you to stand at attention in ...

How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces!

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:

The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS would assault the b...

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

Secretary Mattis presented the Military Branches with sticks

The Army turned theirs into a weapon

The Navy used it as an oar

The Air Force put theirs on display at Lackland

The Marines held onto theirs confused.

Secretary Mattis asked them "you don't have any idea what to with that?"

The Marines replied "We do, but the Presi...

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While Tarzan was swinging through the jungle one day he missed a branch And fell to the jungle floor.

He woke up in the witch doctors hut where he was told they had to replace his eye with an eagles eye, his arm with a monkey arm, his legs with a cheetahs legs and his penis with an elephants trunk.

The witch doctor told him to go home and come back if he has any problems

A week went by...

An owl and a mouse are sitting on a branch when a farmer walks by below.

The owl turns to the mouse and says nothing. Because owls can't speak. The owl then eats the mouse because it's a bird of prey.

The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...

And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...

For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,

For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eig...

Far off, in a distant land, there were three kingdoms.

Each kingdom had faced a side of a triangular lake. The first kingdom was the youngest, and wealthiest kingdom. They have the most business, biggest buildings, and the strongest military.

The second kingdom, is about 50 years older than the first. They aren't the wealthiest, but they are wel...

2 beat cops call the crime branch on phone

Hello! Crime branch?

Yes.

This is sergeant John. We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman?

No Sir! The floor is still wet!

the puppy test

Before you get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wee...

did you hear about my friend? he went hiking but got is leg stuck in some branches.

he was in a pretty stick-ey situation.

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.

After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

Th...

A hiker stuck on a branch

A hiker slipped over the edge of a cliff, and would surely have fallen to his death except for a branch he managed to grab, just a few feet from the top. He clung there in terror and yelled, "Help! Can anybody hear me?" A booming voice said, "I am God. Just let go of that branch and I'll catch you."...

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Jersey Girl

A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told that I have a body like New Jersey."

So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?"

She replies "Middlesex."

He grabs her butt and asks "what's this?"

She replies “Freehold.”

Then he g...

A bunch of bats are hanging on a tree branch...

BAT A: Hey look at Harry he's hanging the other way up!! (like a bird)

BAT B: He's been having these fainting spells all week.

A squirrel and an owl are sitting on a tree branch, watching a farmer plow his field...

The owl looks at the squirrel, and doesn't say anything, because owls don't talk.
Then the owl eats the squirrel, because he's a bird of prey.

(LONG) Man walks into bakery, picks out a few loaves of bread, then heads to check-out.

(been a while since I've seen this repost, bear with me)
The clerk is a healthy young lady, and she starts ringing him up. He's been wanting to branch out in his breakfast routine, and asks if she has any recommendations. She points to the top shelf behind her, and says that she really likes th...

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