How do you complete a family tree easily?

Post on social media that you won the lottery.

Do you want to know how you can easily learn to play the guitar well?

Stay tuned.

I could easily lose weight

but momma raised no loser.

An engineer dies and goes to hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and uncle...

I can make digital art and canvas art easily.

But when it comes to paper, that's where I draw the line.

According to my sewing instructor, I'm easily the worse student She's ever had..

Oops... sorry, wrong thread.

A little boy asks his mom, “Why do women have balloons on their chest?”

His mom responds, “So when we die we can easily float up to heaven.”

“Then aunt sally must really want to go to heaven.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the other day she had her balloons out and daddy was blowing them up and she was saying ‘God, I’m coming.’”

Five Detroit Tigers fans, Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar, are watching a home game for the Tigers. Of course, the Tigers easily lose, and the five fans leave the stadium angrily.

"If those players had played better, we could have won," said Al.

"Don't blame the players, blame the coach," said Ben. "If he had trained the players better, they would have played better."

"Those players couldn't play a decent game if their lives depended on it," said Carl. "But it's...

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

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My wife says our sex is bad because I get easily distracted.

Oh well. Back to it I suppose...

They say a fool and his money are easily parted, but...

Vacuum repair shops really are for broke suckers.

This is more of a sight gag that works really well in front of easily embarrassed or nonplussed mixed company. Hopefully I've told it well enough for it to be useful for others to use if they so desire.

Two childhood male friends recognized each other at their 40th high school reunion. While they were reminiscing one asked the other..
"Hey, have you seen Alice Fortney yet?

"No, what's up with her?"

Holding his cupped hands chest high, about a foot in front of him he tells his frien...

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Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?...

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and ...

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Bull Testicles (this isn't necessarily NSFW but it's not for people who get grossed out easily so you've been warned)

My dad told me this a few years back

A tourist in Spain is in a restaurant near a bullfighting arena right after a bullfight.
There's a table nearby where a guy is eating a dish with two big balls in it and all around the table people are making merry.
The tourist got curious and asked ...

3rd times someone's charm

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too t...

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Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

A man is up in court

A man is up in court on a tricky litigation case, and his lawyer has warned him that the judge is very strict and correct. “He won’t stand for any nonsense and he knows all the tricks!”

“Well, would it help if I sent him a brace of grouse and a bottle of whisky?”

“Absolutely not!” says...

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

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Easily my favorite joke of all time: Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

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(NSFW) A man reads that the subconscious mind is most easily influenced during orgasm...

He tells his wife about it, and they agree to try an experiment.

That night while having sex, just as they are both orgasming, the man whispers into his wife's ear, "You are beautiful."

The next day, the wife remarks that she feels incredibly beautiful.

Success! They decide to ...

What do you call someone who can easily get out of a sweater?

Hoodie-ni

How can we easily solve the world's problems?

Have the hungry eat the homeless.

So, I delivered a baby today...

Easily my weirdest day at FedEx.

I'm joking, of course.

I work for UPS.

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A man sees a sign in front of a bar that states "Free Beer For 1 Year Inquire Inside"

The man goes inside and sits down at the bar, and asks the bartender about the sign he saw out front. The bartender informs him that all he has to do is complete 3 tasks, and the bar will give him free beer for one year. The man asked what the tasks were and the bartender responded. First you need t...

CDC now says that covid-19 isn't easily spread through surface touching

100 bucks says it's just so casinos can open

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The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.
The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the farmer...

Two miners got trapped in a dark tunnel after a mine collapse, blocking their way in, and cutting off the power and lights.

One miner remained calm. He knew that there was other exits from the mine, but in the complete darkness, he had no way to navigate. He remained trapped.

The other miner started panicking. It was so dark, he had a wife and kids at home, he didn’t want to die like this. He was hyperventilating....

Sandbox games

The newlyweds and young parents in town discover that the fine sand in the nearby nature resort makes for excellent sandbox sand. So people go in to get a big cart of sand and make some cheap garden sandboxes for their children. The park rangers forbid this and nobody can steal sand anymore. This gu...

So, Richard Feynman applies for a job...

Interviewer: Now comes the part of the interview where we ask a question to test your creative thinking ability. Don’t think too hard about it, just apply everyday common sense, and describe your reasoning process.

Here’s the question: Why are manhole covers round?

Feynman: They’re not...

Recruit at the KGB

The KGB had found their newest recruit, but before he could join, he had to go through three tests. First, he had to down an entire bottle of vodka in one sitting, then shake hands with a bear, then seduce and sleep with a lady. The recruit easily downs the vodka in a matter of seconds, then is put ...

TIL that for writing your last wishes you need to hire a lawyer and that it can easily become quite expensive.

What happened to free will?

Did you hear that Ted Nugent had a beer thrown at him at one of his shows?

He was okay. It was a draft so he dodged it easily

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Two poor friends once went for a job interview

One was a scholar, the other was dumb. They came up with an idea for both to get into the job.

"I have an idea. I'll try and be ahead in the line and after they ask me the questions I'll tell you the answer after I get out."

"Okay friend I'll forever be grateful of you."

The int...

Similarity between a beer and a penalty?

The English can easily swallow 3 of them in a few minutes.

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Easily accessible porn is causing increased cases of erectile dysfunction in younger populations...

Its a growing problem.

Benjamin Moore just came out with a new paint called blonde

It's not very bright but it spreads easily

How can you easily spot an optimist?

An Older person buying green bananas.

A woman awakes in the middle of the night...



...to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
...

I told my roommate he should date girls that sunburn easily...

He might find them more a peeling

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Why do most printers break so easily?

Shitty HP

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you ...

A serial burglar goes on a spree

A serial burglar goes on a spree, robbing homes in an affluent neighborhood. Day after day he steals thousands of dollars worth of jewelry, cash, and other small easily transportable valuables. No one can figure out how he does it because half the time the victims are home at the time, but they neve...

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Hitler, Napoleon, and Rasputin are in a bar in Hell recounting their glory days

Hitler: "It vas going so vell, I had conquered most ov Europe and the vorld seemed to be just vithin mien reach...but then I invaded Russia."

Napoleon: "That's nothing. I easily conquered all of Europe. I even became Emporer! It was all goin so well...but then I invaded Russia."

Rasput...

Where can you find 6 easily?

Punjab, India.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, "Dogs are easily amused"...

Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.

How to make $$$$$ easily.

1: Sit in front of your computer and turn it on.

2: Open a new word or text document.

3:Hold down the Shift key.

4: Press the "4" key as many times as you wish.

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

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Football is easily the gayest sport

It’s a bunch of guys going balls deep into each other’s end zones.

Some people think that jokes about how easily coronavirus spreads are funny

but personally I think they R0

A guy lost his fingers in an accident at work.

He rushed to the hospital and made his way to the emergency ward.

When he arrived the doctor came in and said, "Not to fret, Mr. Roberts, with the technology of today and advances in medicine, we can easily reattach your fingers and you'll be able to return to work in a couple of days. Now.....

In which nation do you get laid very easily?

Imagination.

How to get 5000 followers easily

Run through Africa with a water bottle

To all those who call people snowflakes and say they get offended too easily I’d just like to say…

Happy Holidays

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What do you call a guy who forgets things easily?

Oh fuck... how does the rest of this joke go?

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Sportscar race

Enzo Ferrari and Ferdinand Porsche were arguing about which of their sportscars was the fastest, so they decided to each pick their best driver and have a race to find out.

They day of the race came, and the Ferrari won easily, pulling up at the finish-line a beautiful female driver stepped o...

A philosopher and a driver

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture....

Why was the burglar so easily offended?

He took things personally.

Dirty jokes time.Don't click if you are easily offended.

I asked my uncle how I could tell if a girl was into me?
He told me, Oh that's easy, when you have your hand down her pants...if it feels like your feeding a horse...she likes you.

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A blue whale's vagina is so big and deep that 5-6 men can easily lay down in it, making it the world's biggest pussy after..

After^Italy^during^both^world^wars

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I caught my wife with another man

Some stories have hooks.

This story has a bloody good one.

It's about love—

Or at least marriage.

*My* marriage.

At heart, it's your typical fish out of water story, but like I said there's a hook.

The hook's in the beginning.

Although it's really the...

A burglar was sneaking into a museum, and he had to get past the guard on duty...

The guard had his head in his hands, and he was crying.

"I can't believe I've worked here for 10 years, and everyone has forgotten my birthday again! Longer hours, more work, and no appreciation! I can't do this anymore" The guard said to himself as he continued to sob.

The burglar c...

If pigs get easily killed for their meat...

think of the dinosaurs, they were even meatier.

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How To Increase Penis Size Easily

A Florida Couple Was Watching A Discovery Channel Special About An African Black Bush Tribe. The Men In That Tribe All Had 24 Inches Long Penises.

When The Black Male Reaches A Certain Age, A String Is Tied Around His Penis And On The Other End To A Weight. After A While, The Weight Stretches...

Well made nun clothes are actually more easily torn apart than poorly made ones.

Bad habits are hard to break.

I told my doctor i was easily distracted.

Me: "I forgot where I parked my Ford!"

Doc: "That's not how it works"

Me: "But i keep losing my focus!"

Why could the Fire Nation defeat the Air Benders so easily?

Because wind resistance is negligible

Why are octopi easily duped when it comes to eating seafood?

They’re suckers for sushi

People tell me I lose my patients too easily.

Guess I'm not a very good doctor.

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

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A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

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News: the creators of reddit are creating a dating app targeted to people who give up easily

It's called "fuckit"

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If there was a saggy tits competetion, my wife would win easily

She would sweep the floors infact

Why did the blind woman die from an easily curable disease?

She never went to see a doctor.

Why don't cows get ill very easily?

Because they have a natural imoonity.

Why do apple products bend so easily?

Because they're made for flexing.

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What can easily penetrate armor?

An armadildo

What do missionaries call heretics easily swayed with lavish sports cars?

Convertibles

My roommate always complains about two of my weaknesses.

One was : 'You always get distracted sooooo easily!'

And the other one was the fact that there's a cute little spider on the ceiling.

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A German, Japanese and Italian soldier are captured by the British during WW2 and are detained in a POW camp

First they interrogate the German. He gave up the information they needed somewhat easily, just after a few minutes of torture. He returned to the other prisoners feeling ashamed and disheartened.

Next was the Japanese soldier. He was more resilient than the German, it took the Brits several ...

I like my girls like my covid

19 and easily spread

Why do pediatricians get easily upset?

They have little patients

I don’t love steampunk

But I will say it’s easily the healthiest way to prepare punk.

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Why aren't Jews easily distracted?

because they've been to concentration camp.

I burn really easily in the sun.

*on

Does anyone know how to easily peel a kiwi?

All those feathers keep getting in the way

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

You can easily make money by collecting helium and selling it for a dollar per pound.

No weight, that doesn't make any cents...

World War 1 could’ve been easily be prevented..

I mean, singing “Take me out” probably wasn’t Franz Ferdinand’s brightest idea.

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.

So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices

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They say that using penis enlargement pills can affect my IQ and make me easily irritated.

What a load of bullshit, and I don’t even have that fucking stupid Apple product.

Why do so many redditors claim to be someone they're not when their entire post history is so easily accessible?

As a trans mtf ex-cop who also lost my arm in Afghanistan and whose husband just left me for some woman who is dying of cancer, I find it incredibly insulting. I've been through so much to make where I am right now. (I was abandoned as an infant in Russia in 1962. I grew up on the streets and when I...

Why can Snoop Dog easily win fights?

He has the high ground.

What kind of glass gets angry easily?

Tempered glass

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Best Golfer in the World

After a long week of work, Frank grabs his clubs and heads to the golf course for some needed R&R. After a few holes Frank catches up to a man and a gorilla standing on the par 5. Frank finds this odd, but strolls up and sets his ball up to tee off. The man with the gorilla looks at Frank and sa...

I could easily fly a jetpack without any training.

No way that could backfire.

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1st old man says "I wish I could pee with no problems", 2nd old man says "I wish I could poop easily", 3rd old man says "I easily do both by 10am...."

".... problem is, I don't wake up til noon"

What do you call an easily scared monkey?

Chimp pansy

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(NSFW) you can easily get hired as a porno actor, with little-to-no experience...

Most positions are entry-level.

Pinocchio could easily pass a polygraph.

Too bad his lies are too on the nose.

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The Japanese designed a detective-robot able to catch thieves easily

They tried it out in three countries.

In Japan, the robots caught 100 thieves in five minutes.

In the US, the robots caught 200 thieves in five minutes.

In Albania, five minutes were enough for the robots to be stolen.

So close

I was driving home yesterday when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings. The red lights were flashing and the barriers were on their way down so I pulled up sharply. Suddenly this truck covered in Trump and confederate flags comes up behind me, but rather than stop, they pulled out...

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Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle?

No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor.

I can drive this Tesla more stylishly and smartly than any of you.

But I still don’t understand how you can tell a crosswalk apart from a traffic light or fire hydrant so easily?

If only there was an easily recognizable way to identify an idiot

-Sent from my iPhone

Why are skeletons bad at high-stress jobs?

Because they’re easily rattled!

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