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Easily Jokes

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Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?...

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Easily my favorite joke of all time: Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and ...
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I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...
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My wife thinks our sex life is boring and I get distracted easily..........

Well I Better get back to it....

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, "Dogs are easily amused"...

Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.
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Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.
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How To Increase Penis Size Easily

A Florida Couple Was Watching A Discovery Channel Special About An African Black Bush Tribe. The Men In That Tribe All Had 24 Inches Long Penises.

When The Black Male Reaches A Certain Age, A String Is Tied Around His Penis And On The Other End To A Weight. After A While, The Weight Stretches...

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..
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I got asked, how can I easily remember my Reddit anniversary each year?

Piece of cake.
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I could easily lose weight

but momma raised no loser.
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Why aren't Jews easily distracted?

because they've been to concentration camp.

How to make $$$$$ easily.

1: Sit in front of your computer and turn it on.

2: Open a new word or text document.

3:Hold down the Shift key.

4: Press the "4" key as many times as you wish.
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I can make digital art and canvas art easily.

But when it comes to paper, that's where I draw the line.
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Why don't cows get ill very easily?

Because they have a natural imoonity.
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In which nation do you get laid very easily?

Imagination.
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Where can you find 6 easily?

Punjab, India.
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How can we easily solve the world's problems?

Have the hungry eat the homeless.
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(NSFW) A man reads that the subconscious mind is most easily influenced during orgasm...

He tells his wife about it, and they agree to try an experiment.

That night while having sex, just as they are both orgasming, the man whispers into his wife's ear, "You are beautiful."

The next day, the wife remarks that she feels incredibly beautiful.

Success! They decide to ...

How to get 5000 followers easily

Run through Africa with a water bottle
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Why do most printers break so easily?

Shitty HP

They say a fool and his money are easily parted, but...

Vacuum repair shops really are for broke suckers.
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Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter.

Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.
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What can easily penetrate armor?

An armadildo

CDC now says that covid-19 isn't easily spread through surface touching

100 bucks says it's just so casinos can open
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Do you want to know how you can easily learn to play the guitar well?

Stay tuned.
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How can photons bend so easily?

They practice light yoga
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Why do pediatricians get easily upset?

They have little patients
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What do you call a guy who forgets things easily?

Oh fuck... how does the rest of this joke go?

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1st old man says "I wish I could pee with no problems", 2nd old man says "I wish I could poop easily", 3rd old man says "I easily do both by 10am...."

".... problem is, I don't wake up til noon"

I told my roommate he should date girls that sunburn easily...

He might find them more a peeling
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What do you call someone who can easily get out of a sweater?

Hoodie-ni
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I burn really easily in the sun.

*on
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Dirty jokes time.Don't click if you are easily offended.

I asked my uncle how I could tell if a girl was into me?
He told me, Oh that's easy, when you have your hand down her pants...if it feels like your feeding a horse...she likes you.
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What kind of glass gets angry easily?

Tempered glass
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People tell me I lose my patients too easily.

Guess I'm not a very good doctor.
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Pinocchio could easily pass a polygraph.

Too bad his lies are too on the nose.
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Why do stools break easily?

Because they're crap.

Why could the Fire Nation defeat the Air Benders so easily?

Because wind resistance is negligible
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Some people think that jokes about how easily coronavirus spreads are funny

but personally I think they R0
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Easily accessible porn is causing increased cases of erectile dysfunction in younger populations...

Its a growing problem.

Snoring comes easily to me.

In fact, I can do it in my sleep.
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Does anyone know how to easily peel a kiwi?

All those feathers keep getting in the way
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World War 1 could’ve been easily be prevented..

I mean, singing “Take me out” probably wasn’t Franz Ferdinand’s brightest idea.
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What do you call an easily scared monkey?

Chimp pansy
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I could easily fly a jetpack without any training.

No way that could backfire.
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Easily offended people are literally like snowflakes.

Alone, they are harmless. Together, however, they ruin everything good and bad in their way.
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A Priest, a Rabbi and an Imam are discussing who's religion most easily creates new converts. After 2 days they decide that whoever can convert a bear to their faith fully would win and they would return 24 hrs later .....

The Priest and the Imam are back first, the Priest proclaims to have held a discussion with a bear and it would be attending his church next week.

The Imam says he too held a discussion with a bear, but it will be in the mosque tomorrow to begin studying for it's new faith.

After a whi...
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What does it take to make a Japanese chick easily orgasm?

Ten tickles

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Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle?

No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor.

What kind of dog is always easily amazed?

Chi-Wow-ah
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If there was a saggy tits competetion, my wife would win easily

She would sweep the floors infact

A man with a great dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed”

One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?”
The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.”
He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.”
The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.”
“A great dane? ...
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People with AB blood type develop a six pack more easily

It's literally in their blood
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Well made nun clothes are actually more easily torn apart than poorly made ones.

Bad habits are hard to break.
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I like my girls how I like my Covid.

19 and easily spread.
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The Japanese designed a detective-robot able to catch thieves easily

They tried it out in three countries.

In Japan, the robots caught 100 thieves in five minutes.

In the US, the robots caught 200 thieves in five minutes.

In Albania, five minutes were enough for the robots to be stolen.

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.
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I've discovered a simple and easily reversible birth control method!

It's called 'not having a girlfriend'
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A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...
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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

Did you hear about the kite that went up into the air really easily?

He said it was a breeze.
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Finally found out why dairy cows lose their balance so easily

They lactose
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Why do gingers get sunburned so easily?

It's nature's way of telling us to lock them indoors
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If you're easily offended, the FDA just approved a new drug.

Ask your doctor if Growacet is right for you.
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Research has shown therapists can easily become the sexual predators.

It's only a matter of space.

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...
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TIL that for writing your last wishes you need to hire a lawyer and that it can easily become quite expensive.

What happened to free will?
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What do you call a lizard who can't easily have sex?

A reptile dysfunction

You can easily make money by collecting helium and selling it for a dollar per pound.

No weight, that doesn't make any cents...
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To all those who call people snowflakes and say they get offended too easily I’d just like to say…

Happy Holidays
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They say that using penis enlargement pills can affect my IQ and make me easily irritated.

What a load of bullshit, and I don’t even have that fucking stupid Apple product.

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.
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How is an easily-offended person like a broken GPS?

They always take things the wrong way.
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Missing some parts (not for the easily offended)

A couple are in a hospital waiting to see their newly born child for the first time, when the doctor comes in and says; "I'm afraid I've got some bad news." The couple look shocked. "Your baby seems to be missing some parts; follow me." The couple follow the doctor down the hall into a room of newly...
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My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
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Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...
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The police were easily able to identify Will Smith as the killer.

He left fresh prints.
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A blue whale's vagina is so big and deep that 5-6 men can easily lay down in it, making it the world's biggest pussy after..

After^Italy^during^both^world^wars

They say nothing in life that's worth having comes easily.

Guess I'm really lucky to have my wife.
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I played Monopoly with my family, and I won easily, but it wasn't that fun

I like being mentally challenged
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Why do so many redditors claim to be someone they're not when their entire post history is so easily accessible?

As a trans mtf ex-cop who also lost my arm in Afghanistan and whose husband just left me for some woman who is dying of cancer, I find it incredibly insulting. I've been through so much to make where I am right now. (I was abandoned as an infant in Russia in 1962. I grew up on the streets and when I...
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A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...
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I believe I have invented a totally new 'Knock knock' joke. Messieurs, mesdames, please gather round for... Easily Annoyed Owl.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Easily Annoyed Owl.

Easily Annoyed Owl who...?

...ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?
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Five Detroit Tigers fans, Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar, are watching a home game for the Tigers. Of course, the Tigers easily lose, and the five fans leave the stadium angrily.

"If those players had played better, we could have won," said Al.

"Don't blame the players, blame the coach," said Ben. "If he had trained the players better, they would have played better."

"Those players couldn't play a decent game if their lives depended on it," said Carl. "But it's...
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A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...

The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"

The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"

The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The...
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What thought can you easily share with someone else without using words?

That you **had** to fart.
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Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...
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My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.

So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices
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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the...

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter,...
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You heard your teeth and jaw could bite your fingers off as easily as carrots but your brain blocks it.

Just try not to think of that during your next blowjob.

In a few minutes, a hypnotist convinced me that I’m a metal with atomic number 82.

Turns out I’m ….easily lead.
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...
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Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...
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