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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

Presumably Jewish

Two Jewish neighbors meet up, and one is complaining that he bought a female parrot for his children, but the bird turned out to be a menace since the only thing previous owners taught her is to scream: "I wanna bang!" all the time.

"I know how to help you, neighbor. - The second one exclaims...

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

Last week, I discovered a colony of black ants in my kitchen.

They live in a crack in my kitchen wall.

This kitchen is in the apartment flat I'm renting by myself.

I've counted a total of seven ants crawling out of the crack, and there's presumably one queen inside too.

I know there's a queen because just yesterday, one male ant was gone, ...

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Guy needs a shit

So there's this guy in a bar and, you guessed it, he really needs a shit. Like really really needs a shit. So he asks the bartender "hey where is your toilet?" and the bartender replies "we don't have one down here, but there might be one upstairs."

So the man goes upstairs and he still can't...

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Delivering the male (my cake day contribution)

It was John's last day delivering the mail. He had been doing so for 4o years and was about to retire.

Most of the families greeted him warmly and handed him an envelope presumably with a small monetary gift inside.

But when he arrived at the Jones' house the woman there pulled him ins...

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A recent survey found that most men prefer eating a fine meal in a restaurant to having sex.

Presumably because they get performance anxiety when diners are watching.

A couple walks down the street.

They talk about many things as they walk but eventually shift the topic of conversation to the weather.

The husband says, "Honey, we should hurry up before it starts to rain."

To which the wife replies, "I know these clouds dear, it is not going to rain."

The discussion goes on ...

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Piers Morgan says women send him their knickers in the post.

Presumably with the message ‘From one twat to another.

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A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.

At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather ...

Trump says that the Special Olympics will still be funded despite DeVos' plan.

This is presumably so Eric and Don Jr can still compete.

A speaker arrives in a small town for a conference...

A speaker arrives in a small town for a conference, and checks into his hotel. Having caught laryngitis a few days before, he sets out down Main St. looking for a doctor's office. It's a small town on a Friday afternoon so he is worried he won't find anyone to treat him, and that he won't be able ...

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Haven't seen the gorilla on a building joke. It's my favorite.

An apartment manager comes into work and his high-rise one morning and finds a gorilla five floors up hanging on the side of the building. He calls animal control and they say they'll send their best man out.

Animal control truck pulls up half hour later, and a big guy jumps out, introduces h...

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The Emperor's New Samurai

(Please excuse any historical inaccuracies) The Emperor's chief samurai had been recently slain in battle, leaving the Emperor in desperate need of a new chief to lead his men into battle.

The Emperor proclaims that any samurai who seeks audience with him will be granted 10 seconds to prove ...

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A Russian one (slightly NSFW)

In fact it's not a joke, it's what we call 'baika' here, a funny story from someone's life. So here it goes

A company of friends goes to Finnland. They move into a cottage village and one of them has to take a shit after this really long way 'train - ferryboat - bus'. And it turns out to be ...

So this guy is really drunk

So I'm at this bar and the guy next to me is really drunk. The bartender has really had enough of him, so I say to the guy, "Come on, guy, let's go, I'll drive you home." He's pretty drunk and just nods and barks a little. So I pull him out of the booth and he can't even walk, I'm trying to guide...

The programmer and the train

A programmer and his boss are traveling by train on a business trip, and not having any other place to sit, find a booth with a pretty young lady and presumably her mother sitting across from them.

The train enters a dark tunnel and two sounds ring clearly in the dark: one being the sound of ...

The obligatory "cattle guard" joke for the next president

Stolen from [Snopes](http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/cattleguards.asp)

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), t...

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Piper was out for a walk in the park with her boyfriend

Piper was out for a walk in the park with her boyfriend Peter when they were held up by two drunk hobos. Without warning, the bums start beating the shit out of him. During the fray, Peter screamed out, "for the love of God, do something!" As quick as she could, Piper unzipped the bum's pants and st...

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