Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

Two power companies were competing for a bid to install telephone poles

A city needed telephone poles installed and there were two companies competing for the bid. To choose the finalist, both companies were instructed to install as many poles as possible in one day. The company with the most poles would win the contract.

Both companies got to work the next day, ...

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

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A man wakes up at 7 am

He finds out he has 7 dollars left on his bus pass. He takes bus 777 to work. At work, his boss moves him to office 7. His wife packed 7 apple slices for him. When he exits the building, he finds 7 dollars on the ground. "The gods must be trying to tell me something," he thinks. As he walks to the b...

Just after the US Civil War, a handsome and proper Texan Colonel, a beautiful young debutante, and a foppish city boy from the east found themselves travelling by train through the heartland of Texas.

As they rode in silence, the Texan couldn't help but notice the city boy kept staring at the young woman. He scowled his disapproval each time he caught the boy's eye, but the boy kept staring at the woman.

Finally, the city boy screwed up his courage, placed his hand on the debutante's knee,...

Eric Swalwell has become the first Democratic candidate to withdraw his bid for POTUS

I guess he passed the torch.

Farming

A city banker gets fed up with his immoral career so sells up and buys a pig farm in Suffolk with his wife.


He moves in and next day goes to buy a few sows and a boar. 'How will I know the sows are pregnant?' he asks the seller.


"Ah, well, the morning after, the sows be lay...

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What does a virgin girl say when she enters a room full of men bidding to buy her virginity?

Hymen.

A plague bearer walks into an auction house during winter.

Everyone nears him now has a chance of catching the cold-bid 19 virus.

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Ama...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman each placed a bid for a big government construction job.

"I'll do it for 30 million," said the Englishman. "How is that figure broken down?" asked the civil servant in charge of the scheme. "10 million for the labour, 10 million for the materials and 10 million for me," said the Englishman.


The Irishman was called in next and said, "I'll do ...

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Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

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Putting the cat out

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs insi...

A White House construction bid.

A drunk driver runs through the iron gates on Pennsylvania Ave and a White House official has been tasked with contracting the fix and getting a quote breakdown.

He calls a general contractor in Texas. "Yezzir, that'll be a $3k job. $2500 for me and $500 to my Mexican crew".

The offici...

In memoriam

Rapid Roy was a daredevil who specialized in car stunts. He decided to retire in style and end his career by attempting a canyon jump in the worst car he could find. After doing some digging, he came across a Chevy Nova in an auction in Champagne, LA. It was in bad shape, but he took a chance, wo...

What is it called when you bid on a bunch of crow eggs on Ebay?

Attempted murder.

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot.

He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid. So he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than originally intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his.

As he was paying f...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

Crafty ex-wife

Out of the blue, John casually told his wife he wanted a divorce. – I’ve fallen in love with Stacy, that new young lady at the office, he said. – You can stay in the house until next week. We need to find a buyer quickly so Stacy and I can get an apartment in the city. Naturally Johns wife was devas...

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the s...

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Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

Who's that band?

A little bar in a small town was having a concert night and most of the town showed up. They were curious to see who in this town of everyone-knows-everyone would go up and perform.

The barman introduced up on stage a couple of highschool kids, the Little Rascals, that were going through the...

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Jake goes to an auction and bids the highest on Dave's painting of a Horse eating grass.

The painting is to be delivered to Jake's house by next day.

Jake receives the painting next day and uncovers it. To his surprise, the so called painting is just a empty white paint board. There was no art on it.

Jake, paying $100,000 for the painting, panics and calls Dave to get some...

Why doesn't Nancy Pelosi make a good bridge partner?

She always bids no trump.

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How do you bid farewell to a sexually open Arctic animal with a mental disorder.

"Bye bye bi bipolar polar bear!"

Why did Henry VII's bid for the English crown cost so much to insure?

It was a Tudor coup

Got trapped in a bidding war for a house with a lengthy corridor

I'm in it for the long hall

A luchador, after helping a group of friends says....

"I bid you adios amigos!"

Paladin: so soon?"

Luchador: "Si. I am quest to destroy my fallen brother, corrupted by the diabolical and reborn undead. He is called... El Lichador!

Where can you bid on internet mail order brides?

eBae

Did you hear Daft Punk is partnering with NASA to solicit bids from contractors?

They're up all night to get Lockheed.

Who will Donald Trump blame when he loses the presidential bid?

​Of course every Juan!

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A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.

Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outs...

A man walks down the streets of New York dragging a dead horse.

A passer by sees the scene and intrigued goes and asks "What are you doing dragging a dead horse in the middle of the city streets?"

Man says "Help me cross it the street and I'll tell you."

Passer by helps him out "Now will you tell me?"

Man says "Help me get it up to the 5th f...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H – Husband, W – Wife)

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
...

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One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink.

While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table.

They decided to play a joke on the cowboy. As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was...

So Rick Perry drops his presidential bid Today..

I thought his campaign wasn't for late term abortions.

A Christian goes on a hunting trip...

He sits in his tree stand all day and sees nothing.

As he climbs out of his deer stand he slips and rolls down a large hill breaking both his legs, losing his rifle in the process.

As he lays in pain at the bottom of the hill he hears a grunting. He looks up to see a massive Grizzly lu...

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...

Get Stoned Before an Auction

Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!

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Old Pekka was walking downtown...

When he saw a young, beautiful lady with large breasts, Pekka walked up to the girl and since nobody was around he asked if he could squeeze them, the woman promptly said ’No!’, he then offered to pay a thousand dollars to which she again replied, ’No.’. Pekka who was getting desperate offered 2000 ...

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A suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then ...

Why do auctioneers say "Going once... Going twice..."?

More-bid curiousity.

The cheerio wanted to go to prom with a honey nut cheerio

A plain Cheerio wanted his prom date to be a beautiful Honey Nut Cheerio, the Cheerio asks the Honey Nut Cheerio to the dance, the Honey Nut Cheerio rejects and says "I only date Honey Nut Cheerios". A farmer approaches the now saddened Cheerio and tells him "Do some work on my farm and I'll turn yo...

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Three guys stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it. A genie comes out and grants them each three wishes.
For their first wish, Guy 1 wishes for a hot wife. Guy 2, looking to one-up Guy 1, wishes to be irresistible to all women.
Guy 3 wishes for his left arm to constantly rotate clockwise.

For their second wish, Guy 1 wishes ...

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Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

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I´ve just put all my old dogging equipment up for sale on Ebay.

Haven´t had any bids yet, but there are 12 people watching!

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The old farmer and his dear friend went to the market.

The market was full of various stalls stocked with agricultural goods & wares. Whilst browsing the plentiful market the old farmer couldn’t help but notice a busty blonde lady and he stared at her longingly.

“Corrr!” Whispered the old farmer to his pal. “I’ll pay a pretty penny to get me...

Trump's "The Art of the Deal"

This big country out there puts a huge bid for a major project.

The first country to respond is France:

\- *We will do it for U$ 1 million. $500k for materials and $500k for labor.*

Then Germany walks in:

*- Vee vill do it for U$2 million. $1M for materials and $1M for l...

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A man dies and goes to hell

He meets Satan and is told he has the choice of three rooms to spend the rest of eternity in. They enter the first room where hundreds of people are standing on their heads on top of concrete flooring. The man asks to see the next room as he can't imagine having to withstand all that pain for all of...

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A man summons his nurse in the recovery room

He pulls her close and asks “Are my testicles black?”
The nurse, is somewhat taken aback but lifts the bedsheets to check, moves some stuff around and says “No.”

A while later the nurse comes back in and is again asked “can you please check and see if my testicles are black?”
Again the ...

Parking Lot Needs Paving

So a town puts a bid notice in the paper to have a parking lot paved. Three guys show up.

First guy in is Polish. "Okay," says the mayor, "how much is your bid?"

Polish guy says, "A hundred thousand dollars."

Mayor says, "Could you break that down for me?"

Polish guy sa...

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Boob Joke

A guy has been admiring his co-worker's massive bust for some time and it becomes more that he can take. He asks if he can suck on her tits for $100. She refuses. He raises the offer to $500 and again she refuses. His final bid is $1000 and she finally agrees. After about 15 minutes of him kissing a...

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

A man finds a bottle with a genie inside.

*poof* “I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?”

“I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!”

The genie scoffs. “Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a ...

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Did you hear about the parents that auctioned off the right to name their firstborn child?

They were expecting after trying to get pregnant for a long time. But when they tried to discuss what they should name the child, it was causing all kinds of arguments. They just couldn’t come to an agreement and there was a lot of tension between them. It got to the point where the wife was staying...

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A woman wakes up hysterically laughing...

Her husband, hearing the laughter, immediately asks her what she finds to be so funny. “I had the craziest dream,” the wife says. “ I dreamt I was at a penis auction. The nicest penises were selling for $1,000 a piece, the ok penises were selling for $100, and the meh penises were selling for around...

My son was on eBay this morning

No bids yet

The Scottish Painter

There was a Scottish painter named Jack who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a little bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration j...

Sean Bean is walking down the street

Heard you guys like long OC.

 

Sean Bean is walking down the street, enjoying his Sunday night. Suddenly, a black paneled van pulls up next to him. Four massive dudes in ski masks wearing all black leap out and try to grab him. Sean remembers his GoT training and manages to ta...

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A CEO, a priest, and two lawyers are at a bar.

The older lawyer is mentoring the younger one. A guy on the left asks for a flaming shot, but the bartender trips, and lights the bar on fire. Everyone is running away, when a wooden bar collapses on them.
When everyone comes too, the CEO, the priest, and the older lawyer are all trapped under ru...

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There was once an artist in San Francisco...

Every Saturday he would visit Pier 39 and silently sculpt statues of sea animals. But at the end of each session instead of selling these statues he would splash colorful paints on them and then brutally attack the pieces with various tools and only THEN open the items up for bid.

On one Satu...

For my teacher who used to tell this one....

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.

Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged wo...

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A couple is asleep when suddenly the wife wakes up. "Honey wake up. I just had a really strange dream," she says.

The husband asked what the dream was about and
she explained that she dreamt she was at a
penis auction.

"A PENIS AUCTION?" he asked.

She replied, "Yeah, the real big ones were going
for a thousand dollars and the smaller ones
started the bidding at about 500 dollars....

Graft 101.

A Mayor in a small town is trying to secure bids to repair the town's Main Street Bridge. He finds three contractors - one from Cincinnati, one from New York, and one from Washington, D.C. - and invites them all to town to bid on the job.

The Cincinnati man arrives first, inspects the job si...

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I made up a joke about North Korea...

Kim Jong-Un awakes to a beautiful sunrise above his North Korean palace. He calls out to the morning sun. "Good morning, sun!" he shouts.

Incredibly, the sun responds to him. "Good morning, my dear leader!" the sun shouts back.

Later that day, Kim Jong-Un addresses the sun once again...

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Naughty Professor

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day,...

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Jimmy was always a big fan of tractors

He absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control tractors and even tractor board games. All he ever wanted to do was one day own his own tractor. When Jimmy was 15 he even managed to find himself some tractor porn, which was not easy to come by. One day whilst Jimmy...

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he’s gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

“Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job,” he explained to her. “One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us wen...

Jesus, Moses, and Muhammad are fishing on a boat

As Jesus winds down the fishing lesson, he notes the time. He bids them farewell, and walks across the lake home.

After a while, Moses decided he wasn't very good at fishing, so he parted the lake and went home.

Being the last one left, Muhammed ██████████ █████ ████████████████ ██████...

A lady went to an auction...

And was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and the lady bid with "Seven hundred dollars". "Eight hundred!" "Eighty hundred fifty!" "Nine hundred fifty!" g...

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An old lady goes into a bank...

Coutt's Bank, to be exact, and asks to open an account. She is told, politely but coolly, that they are a very exclusive bank and have stringent requirements for prospective clients. "I know," she says. "May I see the manager, please?"

She is shown into the manager's office and repeats her re...

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The Hippie and the Nun.

One day, a nun is sitting on a bus. A hippie saunters over and says "Hey lady, wanna have sex with me?" The nun politely declines and gets off the bus on the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard this conversation, stopped to talk to the hippie before he got off.

"Ya know, that nu...

If Donald Trump becomes president, he pledges to prohibit the sales of pre-grated cheese....

Apparently it's in a bid to make America grate again!



(*I'm sorry i'll leave now*)

You know you're old when you walk into a antique store

And they start bidding on you.

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A woman takes her husband's fishing boat out...

One morning a husband returns from several hours of fishing out on the lake and decides to take a nap. Although not really familiar with the lake, his wife takes the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor, and proceeds to read her book.

A short time later a game warden comes ...

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A teenage girl informs her parents that she hasn't menstruated in two months

Her parents are shocked and furious. Her mother is crying, her father swears to kill the pig who did this to her. He bids her daughter to call that sonuvabitch at once. So the girl calls her boyfriend, they talk for a few minutes, then she hangs up.

After half an hour, an amazing Porsche stop...

My favorite genie joke.

An Irish farmer was tending to his land when he discovered a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared.
"For releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you any three wishes," he says. "Now, what is your first wish?"
The farmer says, "I want the Huns to attack Ireland!"
The genie q...

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A man sits down at a children's park

A man is sitting down at a bench enjoying some lunch during his lunch break. Overhead he watches children frolick and play. But then he sees a group of women quietly discussing (obviously) him.

Then all of the sudden one of the women confidently approaches the man. With an ounce of cockyness,...

The White House needed a new fence

So the government sets up an auction for who gets the job. An American, a Russian, and a Pakistani show up.

The American bids $3000. The officer says hmm, thank you, we'll get back to you.

The Russian bids $2000. Same thing.

The Pakistani bids $10,000. The officer is taken aback...

A man asked his friend, a mathematician, if he would go on an airplane trip with him.

The mathematician responded that he didn't go on airplane trips because the probability that there could be a bomb on the plane was too high for his comfort. The man bid the mathematician farewell and left by himself.
Not three months later, the man was at an airport when he met the mathematicia...

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Dad buys a lie detecting robot that slaps someone when they prevaricate ...

He decides to test it out at dinner, so he asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, “I did some
schoolwork.” The robot slaps him.

The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching
movies.”

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?” Son replies, “...

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The Panda Joke

A panda walks into a bar. He walks up to the bar and sits on the stool. the bartender thinks it's a bid odd, a panda walking into a bar, but he approaches it regardless. The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it, and points to a cheeseburger. The bartender is impressed, and decides to make the ch...

Three friends are lost in the woods...

As they try to find their way out, they chance upon a beautiful house and farm. Puzzled by this house in the middle of nowhere, they decide to look inside one of the windows to see if they can get any idea of what's going on. Upon looking in, they see an old man with his eighteen young, beautiful da...

I saw an American Bridge player crying last night

She said she bid 4 No Trump

Budgeting costs

The Italian government was getting ready to invest in a new software that would help them become more efficient. Three companies put bids forth and they turned out to be from different countries: China, Germany and Russia.

The Chinese bid was $1 million, which was quite cheap. The German bid ...

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