UPJOKE
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My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...

I told him it’s a bit of a stretch


(Thought of this tonight during yoga)

What do you call all elephant who doesn't workout?

Elephat.

What is a pirates least favorite workout?

Planks.
His favorite is chest day.

What’s an obese person’s favorite workout?

^forklifts ¨̮

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Is sex a workout

Cause I am unable to do it for more than a minute

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

What kind of workouts did Jesus do?

Cross-fit

What do Chris Hemsworth and Mike Tyson have in common after a workout?

They're both Thor.

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

The laws to get to heaven are new!

They changed the rules to get into heaven and get passed Saint Peter and the pearly gates; you just need to have died in an interesting way.

So three men show up before Peter. Peter asks the first man how did you die?

Man says "well you see i live on the 22nd floor of a high rise apart...

What does the Mandalorian say during pre-workout?

"This is the whey"

What do you call the ppl who only monkey around when you go to the fitness center to workout?

Gym pansies

I saw a guy at the gym propose to his girlfriend and she said "no"...

...I guess something just didn't really workout

I TRIED Chris Hemsworth’s workout regimen.

It works. I was really Thor for theveral days..

What did the tiny Cambrian reptile say the morning after his first workout?

He said he was just a little 'saur.

My friends always complain that I can eat so much and never gain weight. I've told them its because I workout like crazy but they say I'm lying. Well they're kinda right, but I dont lie....

IBS.

Leaving Work Early

Three female co-workers notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a li...

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I don't have to get a job to live, I don't live in my parents house, I have sex often, I read books and workout daily!

Can't wait to get out of jail

What is a necromancer's favorite workout?

Dead lifts

My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side

One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together she asked me if she should change anything in her life. I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better. At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.



After the first d...

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I just got one of those workout watches

apparently i've masturbated 5.8 miles today

What dessert best describes your girlfriend after a workout?

Sorbet

How does a demon workout?

He exorcises

A triathlete walks into a bar to replenish some carbs after a hard workout and orders a beer

. "I just got done doing a 10-mile open water swim," he brags to the bartender. "Ten miles, huh? That's impressive," the bartender replies. "I'd struggle to do that much on a bike." "Yeah, well bikes aren't that good in water," the athlete says.

What was Jesus' workout regimen?

CrossFit

I went to the gym to workout, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.

Technically they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.

The young male race horse came from a long line of winners and did wonderfully in workouts. In actual races, however, he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be neutered.

The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in workouts, and found to do as well as ever.<...

My dad tried to host a workout session for our family over zoom

It didn’t work out

Treadmill joke.

So, I wake up early, drink some energy drinks and ride my treadmill to stay healthy. I'm feeling very confident with my workout and put in more time, running harder and for longer. Eventually I want to continue my success onto the rowing machine and so I start to wrap up, looking to the little scree...

What do you call a dinosaur that just got done with a light workout?

A Kindasaur

Two men are sitting in a sauna after a workout. “I’ll be honest, my wife really is an angel.”

“You’re lucky,” the second man answers, wiping the sweat from his brow. “My wife is still alive.”

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

When it comes to choosing between weight lifting or cardio workouts, I always choose cardio.

Cause it helps me in the long run ;)

What did Shiva say after his workout?

My four arms are sore.

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"You need to stop doing chest workouts, it looks like you have boobs," said my wife.

"That makes one of us then," I replied.

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Fat Joe is having trouble losing weight and he hears about a new extreme workout.

He goes to the place and the man in charge leads him to a large circular room in which is a naked, beautiful woman with sign on her that reads "If you catch me, you can fuck me."

After many long tries, he eventually loses weight, catches her, and gets to enjoy a bit of the old in-out, in-out....

Whenever I see Instagram models working out, I am inspired to do my own workout.

Unfortunately, it's only for my left arm.

Workouts.

My new gym is really awesome.

Been here just two months, and I have already lost 2000 pounds.

How does Chris Hemsworth feel after a workout?

Thor


Bonus joke.

How does Tom Hiddleston walk around in public?

Loki



I'll see myself out.

After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule.

That was a weight off my chest.

What artist helps you with your workout?

Cardi O

No one laughed at my pre-workout routine joke

To be fair, it was a bit of a stretch.

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“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

Why are chemistry labs a good workout?

Because they make you Buffer.

My family have been doing a collective workout challenge.

It was tough at first, very intense. As of this weekend though I can say we've collectively lost 80kg....


...or, Grandad.

I can't stand to see my wife in her workout clothes in the gym, it's embarrassing.

I have no way to hide my erection.

Two middle aged men went to the gym for a workout.

As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt.

"Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man.

The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

What's morticians favorite workout?

Deadlifting.

My favorite workout is a mix between a lunge and a crunch,

I call it lunch.

What is Jesus's favorite workout?

Cross fit

What kind of workouts does Ned Flanders do?

Diddlysquats

I want an after workout snack but forgot to get more protein powder.

Oy whey

What is The Pope's favorite workout program?

Cross-fit

What do you call it when you refuse to do core workouts?

Abstinence.

Why didn't the dyslexic bodybuilder workout when his stomach hurt?

He felt it was an Abd Omen

I am getting the worst reactions trying to find workout buddies at the gym... one girl even got up from doing pushups and slapped me right in the face.

All I said was she looked like she could use a push-up brah

How did the T-Rex feel after his workout session?

He felt dinosore.

I workout religiously

About once or twice around the holidays

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I ...

What kind of workout does Bob the electrician do?

Circuit training.

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Three men arive at the gates of heaven

There they meet the gate keeper who informs the that heaven has been getting a little full recently and that he is only alowed to open the gates for people who have died terrible deaths and that he would need to hear their story.

The first man steps forward and says: i came home early from wo...

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[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen. He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes

“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says

“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing...

2 blondes in the shower

Two blondes are in the gym's shower after their workout. The first blonde says to the other "Hey, can you pass me your shampoo please" The second blonde says "But why? Your shampoo is right next to you" And the first blonde replies "Yes but my shampoo is for dry hair, now my hair is already wet"

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Weight loss program

Joe wanted to loose weight but he lacked the motivation to work out. One day he sees and ad in the paper, “3 step weight loss program, guaranteed to get you motivated to workout”

Joe thinks he has nothing to loose and calls the number. later that evening he hears the door bell, he opens the...

My personal trainer said she wanted me to do a push workout.

I've since been arrested for trying to pull her jogging bottoms down.

3 months of thorough dedication, proper diet and workout sessions but now the time has come, it is cheat day

can't wait to sleep with my girlfriend's sister.

My first workout back at the gym was great.

I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

An American is exercising in a gym

"This workout is intense," he huffs. "My heart is pounding."

"Eh?" says a fellow next to him.

"Oh sorry, I forget that you're European. My heart is 'kilogramming'," he replies.

"Oh yeah same," says the European.

Two old men are having an argument over which one of them has lived their life to it's fullest

The first man, old, wrinkled and his scalp topped with few white strains of hair, proclaims:
>"I have only been able to achieve my proud age of 98 through a steadily upheld 6 hour workout routine on a daily basis. I may have lost some time, but it was completely worth it."

The second m...

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The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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Police officers Rosa and Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.

Police officers Rosa and Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.
They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

Rosa replied, ...

Bench Bros...

Two guys are in the gym working on their bench pressing when a busty coed comes up to the rack next to them and begins to do her workout. One guy turns to his spotter and says "hey you think that's a push up bra?" And his spotter says "nah brah, that's a squat"

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat...

As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, sm...

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A man wants to lose some weight...

A man wants to lose a couple of pounds. After browsing the internet, he finds an ad saying "lose weight quickly!" Skeptical, he calls the number. A very cheerful woman answers the phone and explains "yes, we have 3 different exercise program levels. The first one is for beginners and you can lose up...

I went to the Gym today. I spent 20 minutes bending, stretching and pulling...

... and when that was done my gym clothes were finally on and I could start my workout

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Loaned Costume

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween
Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband
to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take
some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his
good time...

Son-in-law!!

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-fi...

Math problems with typos are so unhealthy

They never workout

My girlfriend likes to get pumped up before we do a workout.

Then I deflate her afterwards.

If you do these things every day for 30 days straight you will be unrecognizable

1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.

2. Drink four 8oz glasses of water minimum daily.

3. Get outside in the sun everyday.

4. No sugar.

5. Read for 30 mins each day.

6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week

7. Capture someone, cut their face off then sew it onto your face....

Gym Shoes (Based on a Real Story)

I’m in the locker room and after I put on my gym clothes I realize I don’t have my shoes in my gym bag. Go back to my car, not there.

Now I don’t work out much, which means getting myself to the gym is actually harder than the workout and I can’t waste an opportunity like this. So I notice ...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny goes to the gym one day where he over hears a man on a tread mill talking about how workouts are a real pain in the ass. Little Johnny asks the man what that means, the man replies with “ oh it is just an add on used to give something more meaning”

So later that day Johnny goes...

How come many couples don’t go to the gym together?

Because some relationships just don’t workout.

New routine

Recently my mate started doing his morning workout on the 5:30 service from Norwich to London Liverpool Street.

I asked him why.

He said, "no train, no gain".

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Taking a neighborhood walk one day, a man comes across another man in the middle of the street jumping up and down on a manhole cover

...and with each jump he calls out "21! 21! 21!" Repeatedly. Finally, after growing annoyed watching, the man on the sidewalk offers, "It's 22, you know. The next number...?" Manhole guy "21! 21! Yeah, I know. 21! 21!"

Sidewalk guy watches a little longer. "Why are you even doing that...?" Ma...

Why is it better to exercise in the morning?

You can finish the workout before your brain realizes what it's doing.

A guy wants to lose weight...

So he goes to the gym and asks for a weight loss package. They offer him two choices: $20 starter package or a $100 deluxe package. He takes the starter package.

He's told to go to the locker room, take off his clothes, and enter the workout room on the left. He does so. Standing naked in th...

[Long] A guy wanted to lose weight

There's a guy. We'll call him Bob. Bob is a fat slob, but one day decides that he's going to turn things around and start getting in shape. So he sees an ad for a new workout program, and calls the number. The operator agrees to start him off with a one-month trial of their lowest level program,...

Kleptomaniac girlfriend

I work at a workout shop called Sweat. It's bit of a janky place.
Soon, after I started working there, I start dating a kelpto who has too much fun stealing.
She's super cute and otherwise perfect.
Winter rolls around and she gets bored.

GF wants to rob my work.

It's like -10°...

A tiger goes to the gym...

... wearing women's underwear underneath his workout clothes.

When he does squats does that make him a crouching tiger with hidden drag on?

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Penis Enlardment

Doug was showering after a workout at the gym when he noticed that the guy next to him had an enormous penis. His own junk being somewhat on the small side, Doug asked him if his mammoth member was natural or if there was a trick to it.


"Oh, there's a trick. Every night before bed, rub s...

Two Muscled Buff Girls

were at their gym working out one day. About halfway through their workout one of the girls turns to the other and with a very serious face says.
"I'm really thinking about getting off of steroids."

Second girl sets her weights down, "Why would you do that?"

"Well i'm getting hair...

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