My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...

I told him it’s a bit of a stretch


(Thought of this tonight during yoga)

What is Jesus's favourite workout?

CrossFit.

What do you call all elephant who doesn't workout?

Elephat.

What does the Mandalorian say during pre-workout?

"This is the whey"

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I don't have to get a job to live, I don't live in my parents house, I have sex often, I read books and workout daily!

Can't wait to get out of jail

What is a necromancer's favorite workout?

Dead lifts

I TRIED Chris Hemsworth’s workout regimen.

It works. I was really Thor for theveral days..

What’s Cardi B’s favorite type of workout?

Cardi-o

What do Chris Hemsworth and Mike Tyson have in common after a workout?

They're both Thor.

What did the tiny Cambrian reptile say the morning after his first workout?

He said he was just a little 'saur.

A triathlete walks into a bar to replenish some carbs after a hard workout and orders a beer

. "I just got done doing a 10-mile open water swim," he brags to the bartender. "Ten miles, huh? That's impressive," the bartender replies. "I'd struggle to do that much on a bike." "Yeah, well bikes aren't that good in water," the athlete says.

What’s Superman’s favorite workout?

Kal-Elisthenics

What happened to the couple who were going to get married in a gym?

It didn't workout

What does the guy with epilepsy do after his workout?

Has a shake.

My friends always complain that I can eat so much and never gain weight. I've told them its because I workout like crazy but they say I'm lying. Well they're kinda right, but I dont lie....

IBS.

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

What do you call a dinosaur that just got done with a light workout?

A Kindasaur

What dessert best describes your girlfriend after a workout?

Sorbet

How does a demon workout?

He exorcises

The young male race horse came from a long line of winners and did wonderfully in workouts. In actual races, however, he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be neutered.

The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in workouts, and found to do as well as ever.<...

I went to the gym to workout, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.

Technically they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.

Why didn't the T-Rex workout today?

He was dinosaur

Why some couples don't go to gym?

Because some relationship don't workout.

When it comes to choosing between weight lifting or cardio workouts, I always choose cardio.

Cause it helps me in the long run ;)

What did Shiva say after his workout?

My four arms are sore.

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I just got one of those workout watches

apparently i've masturbated 5.8 miles today

Two men are sitting in a sauna after a workout. “I’ll be honest, my wife really is an angel.”

“You’re lucky,” the second man answers, wiping the sweat from his brow. “My wife is still alive.”

I tried to do an intense workout that involved 500 sit ups per day

But my body couldn't take the ab use

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know if they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a litt...

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Fat Joe is having trouble losing weight and he hears about a new extreme workout.

He goes to the place and the man in charge leads him to a large circular room in which is a naked, beautiful woman with sign on her that reads "If you catch me, you can fuck me."

After many long tries, he eventually loses weight, catches her, and gets to enjoy a bit of the old in-out, in-out....

Whenever I see Instagram models working out, I am inspired to do my own workout.

Unfortunately, it's only for my left arm.

What is Trump's favorite workout?

Lifting restrictions.

How does Chris Hemsworth feel after a workout?

Thor


Bonus joke.

How does Tom Hiddleston walk around in public?

Loki



I'll see myself out.

After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule.

That was a weight off my chest.

No one laughed at my pre-workout routine joke

To be fair, it was a bit of a stretch.

Why are chemistry labs a good workout?

Because they make you Buffer.

What is Jesus's favorite workout?

Cross fit

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"You need to stop doing chest workouts, it looks like you have boobs," said my wife.

"That makes one of us then," I replied.

Workouts.

My new gym is really awesome.

Been here just two months, and I have already lost 2000 pounds.

I can't stand to see my wife in her workout clothes in the gym, it's embarrassing.

I have no way to hide my erection.

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“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

What's morticians favorite workout?

Deadlifting.

My family have been doing a collective workout challenge.

It was tough at first, very intense. As of this weekend though I can say we've collectively lost 80kg....


...or, Grandad.

What kind of workouts does Ned Flanders do?

Diddlysquats

What is The Pope's favorite workout program?

Cross-fit

i don't want to do a few small exercises before I go workout

It's a stretch

Two middle aged men went to the gym for a workout.

As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt.

"Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man.

The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

My favorite workout is a mix between a lunge and a crunch,

I call it lunch.

An American is exercising in a gym

"This workout is intense," he huffs. "My heart is pounding."

"Eh?" says a fellow next to him.

"Oh sorry, I forget that you're European. My heart is 'kilogramming'," he replies.

"Oh yeah same," says the European.

Why didn't the dyslexic bodybuilder workout when his stomach hurt?

He felt it was an Abd Omen

I am getting the worst reactions trying to find workout buddies at the gym... one girl even got up from doing pushups and slapped me right in the face.

All I said was she looked like she could use a push-up brah

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I ...

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Three men arive at the gates of heaven

There they meet the gate keeper who informs the that heaven has been getting a little full recently and that he is only alowed to open the gates for people who have died terrible deaths and that he would need to hear their story.

The first man steps forward and says: i came home early from wo...

I workout religiously

About once or twice around the holidays

Two old men are having an argument over which one of them has lived their life to it's fullest

The first man, old, wrinkled and his scalp topped with few white strains of hair, proclaims:
>"I have only been able to achieve my proud age of 98 through a steadily upheld 6 hour workout routine on a daily basis. I may have lost some time, but it was completely worth it."

The second m...

My personal trainer said she wanted me to do a push workout.

I've since been arrested for trying to pull her jogging bottoms down.

3 months of thorough dedication, proper diet and workout sessions but now the time has come, it is cheat day

can't wait to sleep with my girlfriend's sister.

How did the T-Rex feel after his workout session?

He felt dinosore.

My first workout back at the gym was great.

I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

What do you call it when you refuse to do core workouts?

Abstinence.

If you do these things every day for 30 days straight you will be unrecognizable

1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.

2. Drink four 8oz glasses of water minimum daily.

3. Get outside in the sun everyday.

4. No sugar.

5. Read for 30 mins each day.

6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week

7. Capture someone, cut their face off then sew it onto your face....

What kind of workout does Bob the electrician do?

Circuit training.

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[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen. He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes

“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says

“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing...

A guy proposed to a woman in the gym but she said no :(

Well that didn't workout

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The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

I went to the Gym today. I spent 20 minutes bending, stretching and pulling...

... and when that was done my gym clothes were finally on and I could start my workout

2 blondes in the shower

Two blondes are in the gym's shower after their workout. The first blonde says to the other "Hey, can you pass me your shampoo please" The second blonde says "But why? Your shampoo is right next to you" And the first blonde replies "Yes but my shampoo is for dry hair, now my hair is already wet"

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Weight loss program

Joe wanted to loose weight but he lacked the motivation to work out. One day he sees and ad in the paper, “3 step weight loss program, guaranteed to get you motivated to workout”

Joe thinks he has nothing to loose and calls the number. later that evening he hears the door bell, he opens the...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny goes to the gym one day where he over hears a man on a tread mill talking about how workouts are a real pain in the ass. Little Johnny asks the man what that means, the man replies with “ oh it is just an add on used to give something more meaning”

So later that day Johnny goes...

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Police officers Rosa and Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.

Police officers Rosa and Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.
They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

Rosa replied, ...

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Taking a neighborhood walk one day, a man comes across another man in the middle of the street jumping up and down on a manhole cover

...and with each jump he calls out "21! 21! 21!" Repeatedly. Finally, after growing annoyed watching, the man on the sidewalk offers, "It's 22, you know. The next number...?" Manhole guy "21! 21! Yeah, I know. 21! 21!"

Sidewalk guy watches a little longer. "Why are you even doing that...?" Ma...

How come many couples don’t go to the gym together?

Because some relationships just don’t workout.

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A man wants to lose some weight...

A man wants to lose a couple of pounds. After browsing the internet, he finds an ad saying "lose weight quickly!" Skeptical, he calls the number. A very cheerful woman answers the phone and explains "yes, we have 3 different exercise program levels. The first one is for beginners and you can lose up...

Bench Bros...

Two guys are in the gym working on their bench pressing when a busty coed comes up to the rack next to them and begins to do her workout. One guy turns to his spotter and says "hey you think that's a push up bra?" And his spotter says "nah brah, that's a squat"

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat...

As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, sm...

Weight loss

A guy learns about a new workout method - rapid weight reduction guaranteed. He calls the company, they make an appointment for the standard package .

At the given time it knocks on his door. He opens and there is this really nice girl in a tight running outfit - she winks at him and says- ...

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Loaned Costume

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween
Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband
to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take
some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his
good time...

Son-in-law!!

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-fi...

I was in the gym.

"1,2,3,4," counted my personal trainer, as I panted.

"Come on," he added, "Now we've got you down the stairs, we can do a workout!"

My sister while kneading dough:

"This hand workout dough!"

My girlfriend likes to get pumped up before we do a workout.

Then I deflate her afterwards.

Gym Shoes (Based on a Real Story)

I’m in the locker room and after I put on my gym clothes I realize I don’t have my shoes in my gym bag. Go back to my car, not there.

Now I don’t work out much, which means getting myself to the gym is actually harder than the workout and I can’t waste an opportunity like this. So I notice ...

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Three mice are at a bar arguing about who's the coolest.

The first one says, "When I see a mouse trap I grab the cheese with one hand and do a little workout with the other."

The second one scoffs and says, "Whenever I come across rat poison I chop it up with a razor and fucking snort it."

Suddenly the third one gets up from the table. The o...

I told my girlfriend to come with me to the gym. Then I stood her up.

Hopefully, she’ll realize the two of us are not going to workout.

Why is it better to exercise in the morning?

You can finish the workout before your brain realizes what it's doing.

A tiger goes to the gym...

... wearing women's underwear underneath his workout clothes.

When he does squats does that make him a crouching tiger with hidden drag on?

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Penis Enlardment

Doug was showering after a workout at the gym when he noticed that the guy next to him had an enormous penis. His own junk being somewhat on the small side, Doug asked him if his mammoth member was natural or if there was a trick to it.


"Oh, there's a trick. Every night before bed, rub s...

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3 mice are sitting in a bar.

The first mouse says "I am the biggest baddest mouse in the whole world, when I see a mouse trap I run up and eat the food while doing a workout with the bar. I am the biggest, baddest mouse in the whole world."
The second mouse says "Thats nothing, when I see D—con I take home with me. I use it ...

I love doing sports related activities

My two most favorite are the pre-workout and post-workout meals.

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3 guys show up at heaven at the same time...

... St. Peter is at the gate, and informs the first one in line that, because heaven has exceeded its quota for the month, under direct orders from the man himself, he is to let in only those that have died untimely or unfortunate deaths.

Understanding this, the first guy begins to tell his ...

I was waiting in line at McDonald's

Finally, it was my turn
The overweight cashier said, 'Sorry for the wait'
I said, 'No worries, I'm sure you'll loose it with a workout'

Two Muscled Buff Girls

were at their gym working out one day. About halfway through their workout one of the girls turns to the other and with a very serious face says.
"I'm really thinking about getting off of steroids."

Second girl sets her weights down, "Why would you do that?"

"Well i'm getting hair...

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