UPJOKE
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My friend tried to convince me that yoga is a workout...

I told him it’s a bit of a stretch


(Thought of this tonight during yoga)

What do you call all elephant who doesn't workout?

Elephat.

One tough workout

An older lady decided it was time to get her body in shape once and for all.

She joined an aerobics class for seniors, and spent a whole hour jumping, twisting, gyrating, and sweating.

Unfortunately, by the time she had gotten her leotard on straight, the class was over.

What do Chris Hemsworth and Mike Tyson have in common after a workout?

They're both Thor.

How does a demon workout?

He exorcises

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

What is a pirates least favorite workout?

Planks.
His favorite is chest day.

A man is working out with a blonde nearby

He gets hot while doing his sets so he takes off his shirt. The blonde winks and says "Wow, you've got some nice pecs there."

The man smirks and says "100 pounds of pure dynamite, babe." and returns to his workout. A few minutes go by and he gets hotter so he takes off his pants.

The b...

What kind of workouts did Jesus do?

Cross-fit

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Is sex a workout

Cause I am unable to do it for more than a minute

What’s an obese person’s favorite workout?

^forklifts ¨̮

I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym

When she did not show up, I knew we weren’t going to workout.

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I just got one of those workout watches

apparently i've masturbated 5.8 miles today

What does the Mandalorian say during pre-workout?

"This is the whey"

I TRIED Chris Hemsworth’s workout regimen.

It works. I was really Thor for theveral days..

What did the tiny Cambrian reptile say the morning after his first workout?

He said he was just a little 'saur.

What dessert best describes your girlfriend after a workout?

Sorbet

What is a necromancer's favorite workout?

Dead lifts

What is Jesus's favorite workout?

Cross fit

Workouts.

My new gym is really awesome.

Been here just two months, and I have already lost 2000 pounds.

What's morticians favorite workout?

Deadlifting.

What artist helps you with your workout?

Cardi O

What do you call the ppl who only monkey around when you go to the fitness center to workout?

Gym pansies

Why are chemistry labs a good workout?

Because they make you Buffer.

I never believed the saying that soreness after a workout is weakness leaving the body

My willpower is still there

What do you call a dinosaur that just got done with a light workout?

A Kindasaur

Two men are sitting in a sauna after a workout. “I’ll be honest, my wife really is an angel.”

“You’re lucky,” the second man answers, wiping the sweat from his brow. “My wife is still alive.”

How does Chris Hemsworth feel after a workout?

Thor


Bonus joke.

How does Tom Hiddleston walk around in public?

Loki



I'll see myself out.

I workout religiously

About once or twice around the holidays

What is The Pope's favorite workout program?

Cross-fit

My family have been doing a collective workout challenge.

It was tough at first, very intense. As of this weekend though I can say we've collectively lost 80kg....


...or, Grandad.

What kind of workouts does Ned Flanders do?

Diddlysquats

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

When it comes to choosing between weight lifting or cardio workouts, I always choose cardio.

Cause it helps me in the long run ;)

Leaving Work Early

Three female co-workers notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a li...

No one laughed at my pre-workout routine joke

To be fair, it was a bit of a stretch.

My first workout back at the gym was great.

I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I ...

Two middle aged men went to the gym for a workout.

As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt.

"Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man.

The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

A triathlete walks into a bar to replenish some carbs after a hard workout and orders a beer

. "I just got done doing a 10-mile open water swim," he brags to the bartender. "Ten miles, huh? That's impressive," the bartender replies. "I'd struggle to do that much on a bike." "Yeah, well bikes aren't that good in water," the athlete says.

Why didn't the dyslexic bodybuilder workout when his stomach hurt?

He felt it was an Abd Omen

What do you call a Norse god after a workout?

Thor

What do you call it when you refuse to do core workouts?

Abstinence.

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"You need to stop doing chest workouts, it looks like you have boobs," said my wife.

"That makes one of us then," I replied.

My friends always complain that I can eat so much and never gain weight. I've told them its because I workout like crazy but they say I'm lying. Well they're kinda right, but I dont lie....

IBS.

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Fat Joe is having trouble losing weight and he hears about a new extreme workout.

He goes to the place and the man in charge leads him to a large circular room in which is a naked, beautiful woman with sign on her that reads "If you catch me, you can fuck me."

After many long tries, he eventually loses weight, catches her, and gets to enjoy a bit of the old in-out, in-out....

Whenever I see Instagram models working out, I am inspired to do my own workout.

Unfortunately, it's only for my left arm.

I went to the gym to workout, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.

Technically they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.

Day 1 at the gym and I already lost 3 pounds!

Now it's time to get off the toilet and start my workout.

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Three men arive at the gates of heaven

There they meet the gate keeper who informs the that heaven has been getting a little full recently and that he is only alowed to open the gates for people who have died terrible deaths and that he would need to hear their story.

The first man steps forward and says: i came home early from wo...

My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side

One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together she asked me if she should change anything in her life. I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better. At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.



After the first d...

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

How did the T-Rex feel after his workout session?

He felt dinosore.

I can't stand to see my wife in her workout clothes in the gym, it's embarrassing.

I have no way to hide my erection.

My favorite workout is a mix between a lunge and a crunch,

I call it lunch.

After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule.

That was a weight off my chest.

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“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

I am getting the worst reactions trying to find workout buddies at the gym... one girl even got up from doing pushups and slapped me right in the face.

All I said was she looked like she could use a push-up brah

A guy just proposed at the gym.

She said no.



Guess it didn’t workout.

Bench Bros...

Two guys are in the gym working on their bench pressing when a busty coed comes up to the rack next to them and begins to do her workout. One guy turns to his spotter and says "hey you think that's a push up bra?" And his spotter says "nah brah, that's a squat"

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3 drunk mice

3 mice are up late at night, drinking and bullshitting, as mice often do. Just eating cheese bits and chasing them down with copious amounts of alcohol.

They begin to brag about how tough they are relating various experiences evading the cat, the exterminator and other adventures, each one...

Math problems with typos are so unhealthy

They never workout

2 blondes in the shower

Two blondes are in the gym's shower after their workout. The first blonde says to the other "Hey, can you pass me your shampoo please" The second blonde says "But why? Your shampoo is right next to you" And the first blonde replies "Yes but my shampoo is for dry hair, now my hair is already wet"

My girlfriend likes to get pumped up before we do a workout.

Then I deflate her afterwards.

An American is exercising in a gym

"This workout is intense," he huffs. "My heart is pounding."

"Eh?" says a fellow next to him.

"Oh sorry, I forget that you're European. My heart is 'kilogramming'," he replies.

"Oh yeah same," says the European.

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Retrieving Sniffer

Police officers Rosa and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

Rosa re...

Treadmill joke.

So, I wake up early, drink some energy drinks and ride my treadmill to stay healthy. I'm feeling very confident with my workout and put in more time, running harder and for longer. Eventually I want to continue my success onto the rowing machine and so I start to wrap up, looking to the little scree...

I went to the Gym today. I spent 20 minutes bending, stretching and pulling...

... and when that was done my gym clothes were finally on and I could start my workout

How come many couples don’t go to the gym together?

Because some relationships just don’t workout.

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A man wants to lose some weight...

A man wants to lose a couple of pounds. After browsing the internet, he finds an ad saying "lose weight quickly!" Skeptical, he calls the number. A very cheerful woman answers the phone and explains "yes, we have 3 different exercise program levels. The first one is for beginners and you can lose up...

My sister while kneading dough:

"This hand workout dough!"

I was in the gym.

"1,2,3,4," counted my personal trainer, as I panted.

"Come on," he added, "Now we've got you down the stairs, we can do a workout!"

3 months of thorough dedication, proper diet and workout sessions but now the time has come, it is cheat day

can't wait to sleep with my girlfriend's sister.

The young male race horse came from a long line of winners and did wonderfully in workouts. In actual races, however, he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be neutered.

The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in workouts, and found to do as well as ever.<...

If you do these things every day for 30 days straight you will be unrecognizable

1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.

2. Drink four 8oz glasses of water minimum daily.

3. Get outside in the sun everyday.

4. No sugar.

5. Read for 30 mins each day.

6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week

7. Capture someone, cut their face off then sew it onto your face....

Why is it better to exercise in the morning?

You can finish the workout before your brain realizes what it's doing.

The laws to get to heaven are new!

They changed the rules to get into heaven and get passed Saint Peter and the pearly gates; you just need to have died in an interesting way.

So three men show up before Peter. Peter asks the first man how did you die?

Man says "well you see i live on the 22nd floor of a high rise apart...

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Weight loss program

Joe wanted to loose weight but he lacked the motivation to work out. One day he sees and ad in the paper, “3 step weight loss program, guaranteed to get you motivated to workout”

Joe thinks he has nothing to loose and calls the number. later that evening he hears the door bell, he opens the...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny goes to the gym one day where he over hears a man on a tread mill talking about how workouts are a real pain in the ass. Little Johnny asks the man what that means, the man replies with “ oh it is just an add on used to give something more meaning”

So later that day Johnny goes...

Gym Shoes (Based on a Real Story)

I’m in the locker room and after I put on my gym clothes I realize I don’t have my shoes in my gym bag. Go back to my car, not there.

Now I don’t work out much, which means getting myself to the gym is actually harder than the workout and I can’t waste an opportunity like this. So I notice ...

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

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Taking a neighborhood walk one day, a man comes across another man in the middle of the street jumping up and down on a manhole cover

...and with each jump he calls out "21! 21! 21!" Repeatedly. Finally, after growing annoyed watching, the man on the sidewalk offers, "It's 22, you know. The next number...?" Manhole guy "21! 21! Yeah, I know. 21! 21!"

Sidewalk guy watches a little longer. "Why are you even doing that...?" Ma...

Two old men are having an argument over which one of them has lived their life to it's fullest

The first man, old, wrinkled and his scalp topped with few white strains of hair, proclaims:
>"I have only been able to achieve my proud age of 98 through a steadily upheld 6 hour workout routine on a daily basis. I may have lost some time, but it was completely worth it."

The second m...

Kleptomaniac girlfriend

I work at a workout shop called Sweat. It's bit of a janky place.
Soon, after I started working there, I start dating a kelpto who has too much fun stealing.
She's super cute and otherwise perfect.
Winter rolls around and she gets bored.

GF wants to rob my work.

It's like -10°...

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[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen. He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes

“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says

“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing...

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3 mice are sitting in a bar.

The first mouse says "I am the biggest baddest mouse in the whole world, when I see a mouse trap I run up and eat the food while doing a workout with the bar. I am the biggest, baddest mouse in the whole world."
The second mouse says "Thats nothing, when I see D—con I take home with me. I use it ...

A tiger goes to the gym...

... wearing women's underwear underneath his workout clothes.

When he does squats does that make him a crouching tiger with hidden drag on?

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