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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

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My DNA tests came back. Turns out I'm mostly French and British.

No wonder I fucking hate myself.

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I bought my friend four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive, and now she crying, she asked me..

“How the fuck am I going to feed four kids”

MEN - if you are having trouble getting someone pregnant, getting your sperm count tested is quick and easy.

But it’ll cost a load.

I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

"I just urinated on a pregnancy test," said my girlfriend. "I'm pregnant."

"Are you going to keep it?" I asked.

She said, "No, it stinks like wee."

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

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Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.



Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

A test to see if your wife or your dog loves you more: put them both in the trunk for two hours

Then open the trunk. Who's happy to see you?

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A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

That flat-earthier rocket scientist died in a crash while testing his theory.

He had nothing to fear but sphere itself.

Italian Wedding Test!

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight m...

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People who test Viagra...

Are always hard at work

So my teacher only gave me a week to study before the test.

So I killed him and got 46 years.

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CDC: Mr. President, two Brazilian diplomats have tested positive for the coronavirus.

Trump: Holy shit! (pause) How many is a "brazilian"?

Golden showers are the only litmus test for a relationship.

How else will you know urine love?

What do you call a caviar taste test?

An Eggs-amination!

If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..

I would have $6.38.

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

What did the math teacher say to his trig class when he saw the test?

This should be smooth scalene for you guys

To all those waiting for the results of their COVID-19 test

Dont worry. Think positive.

I failed an eye test the other day

I asked the doctor what that meant about my eyes






He said, "they don't look good"

My nephew took a career placement test at school.

It told him he was going to be a pirate when he grew up. My sister was furious. She matched to the school and demanded to speak to his teacher.

"Why does this test say that my son is supposed to be a pirate?! Is this some kind of joke?"

The teacher calmly pulled out the boy's report c...

A college professor is giving his students a test

At the start of the exam, the Professor says, “You have exactly 2 hours. I will not accept any papers after this time has elapsed.”

Two hours later, the Professor calls out, “Time’s up, Ladies and Gentlemen.”

One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the Professor has...

Tom Hanks and his wife Rita have tested positive for COVID-19.

It's not the first time he's been in isolation with a Wilson.

I always prayed before my trigonometry tests..

I was hoping for a sine from above

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A man has to choose from his 3 girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because ...

I tested for possible cases of corona in my lab today.

Only one was positive; the other three just turned out to be budweiser with a bit of added tequila.

I tried to test my new gun at the range, but it wouldn’t work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

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Sexuality test

A friend of mine was tested to see if he was homosexual.

He failed the oral test.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, dec...

I scored 197 on an IQ test

The test was pretty easy, 10 simple questions, then to prove my identity they asked me for my date of birth, social and credit card details.

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Some Catholic priests are doing their final test before becoming ministers.

The final test was to stand naked with a bell on your penis, and then receive a lap dance. The candidates had to prove their vow of celebacy by not getting aroused. They bring in the stripper and she gives each guy a lap dance, and each one does not get aroused. When she gets the the final candidate...

How did a cow do so well on his math test?

He did all the proper cowculations

First time posting, my gf wasn’t very impressed but hope you guys can find humour in this!!

Omg thank you for the silver I’ve never gotten one before. I’m totally bragging now lol

My drug test came back negative..

My dealer has now got some explaining to do.

what did the drummer get on his IQ test?

drool

You tested positive for the Coronavirus. Which do you prefer? A robot or a caregiver in a hazmat suit wearing a diaper?

It depends.

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

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A paternity test

A friend of mine were called in to a paternity test.

So he went to the local doctors office and did a blood test.

He was later called back in for the results.

When he heard he wasn't the father he smiled brightly and exclaimed : it isn't important to win, but to participate!

Russian Eye Sight Test

A Russian went to a doctor to get his eye sight tested.

The doctor asked him to read the letters "CHXSCHEICJK" written on a board.

The doctor asked, "can you read them?"

Russian: Read them? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

My classmate didn't study for our test in mathematics about probability.

"I'll take my chances", he said.

My girlfriend asked me to test her like a Princess

So I picked her up in a Mercedes and crashed it into a wall

A restaurant test-marketed its new breakfast sandwiches. They sold lots of Baconsters and Porksters,

but almost nobody ordered the Hamster.

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

I thought my blood type was A negative but then I got a blood test

I didn't know there was a blood type called HIV positive

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What do you call a nun who passed her driving test?

Virgin Mobile

Today I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions!

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside


External :- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?


Student :- I will open the window.


External :- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 1.5 sq.m and the ...

Just got the results from the doctor for one of those prick tests they give you

Turns out I am one

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10.

The other 2 guys jumped clear.

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Obscure blood tests

The man called the doctor to ask if the test results for his wife had returned.

- Yes, they have, but the test answers are a little unclear, the doctor said. Either she has AIDS or she has Alzheimer's.

- Okay, how can we clarify this further?

- Run her a few miles out into the w...

I searched Google images for examples of Rorschach tests...

But all I found were pictures of my dad hitting me.

A young man is taking a driver's test

Instructor: Last question, you see a child and an old man walking across the road. What do you hit?

Young man: I guess I would hit the old man, since the child has his whole life ahead of him, right?

Instructor: Uh, no, you would hit the brakes

The French Test Drive

An American couple took their honeymoon in France, and they loved it so much they decided they just had to live there. But the costly move left them in financial hardship. Eventually, they did both find jobs, but on opposite ends of the city, so they decided to buy a car.

"This one," said the...

Once I took a DNA test.

It was pretty hard but I think I passed.

As my own boss, I wasn’t sure if I could fire myself, so I decided to test it.

I really let myself go

Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend

I responded with "I have a math test tommorow"

She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."

It is in the news that Russia's "Sovereign Web" test will cut off the entire country from the web today.

Donald Trump said in a statement, "I hope that doesn't hurt my approval rating."

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Starts with an F and end with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. B...

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money."

The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.

He stops the first driver and sa...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says: “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies: “God and I are close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

A couple is anxiously waiting to hear the results of a medical test for their unborn child. The doctor says: "I will start with the good news;

Your child will always find a parking space."

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

What test do citrus lawyers have to pass to become certified?

The lemon bar.

4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.

Ce...

So I was visiting the mental hospital

and I said to the doctor "How do you find out if someone needs to come here, then?" and he said "Oh, we set them a simple test. We take them into the bathroom and we show them a bath full of water, and we say we want them to empty it and we offer them a choice between a teaspoon, a coffee cup or a b...

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

A Polish man was getting his eyesight tested

The optician brings out a card with the letters

C R W I N O K S T A Z

"Can you read the letters" asks the optician.

The Polish man:"Read it? I know the guy."

Why is animal testing a bad idea?

Because the animals get nervous and give all the wrong answers.

I am so forgetful that I always forget to pack my calculator before my math tests. But I am so smart that I have only failed them a few times...

So few that I can count on my fingers

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

Why do old people read the bible so much?

Studying for the test.

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: ...

What do you give a stoned communist who did well on a test?

High Marx

DOCTOR: So you’re here for a hearing test?

ME: Yeah.

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR: I mean, you passed.

Guy who invented TV spent years working on prototypes, testing, refining, finally got it to work, only to power it up and be disappointed.

There was nothing on.

Student in a test

An engineering student was in oral test. The professor asked him" what do usually ride when you go home ?".

The student answered " the bus"

Professor : cool, tell me what you would do i...

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Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"

Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."

Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of...

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A husband and wife are being tested at their local hospital.

It’s been roughly a week and the husband calls the hospital asking for the test results. The doctor replies,
“Ah yes. We have concluded that your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s.”
The husband in a panic asks,”So what do I do?”
The doctor simply says,“Take her on a car ride then drop her...

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

"I've just had the worst time" the boy said.

"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy."

"Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?"

"I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever h...

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The test. What kind of homosexual are you?

>!You are a curious homosexual!!<

Had a test the other day and got the highest possible score!

The policeman holding the breathalyser wasn't as happy as me though...

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

At the time of his death, Steve Irwin was testing a new sunblock...

Turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

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A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people.

Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea).

However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home.

We passed a po...

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A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to...

I just took a DNA test, turns out, I'm 100%

going to jail for shoplifting.

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investiga...

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking. Was scared at that very moment but then immediately got down from the driving seat and sat on the back seat.
After few mins. an officer came and asked me to move my car ahead for alcohol test.

I said:...

IQ tests are a foolproof measure of intelligence.

If you care about your score you're a certified idiot.

Some people think the testes and the prostate are the same thing.

In reality, there’s a vas deferens between the two.

Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...

Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

I hope this abacus helps me pass my math test.

I'm counting on it.

I wasn’t feeling so good and so I went to the doctors

I told the doctor that I haven’t been feeling so well lately.

The doctor proceeded to ask me questions and do some tests.

He came to the conclusion that I was not getting enough exercise and therefore advised me to do so.

So, based on the doctors advice, for the next month, i...

I got my results back from the Hepatitis test and killed it.

I got an A, 2 Bs and a C.

Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus

In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti

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Tomorrow when my roommate asks me for a adderall before he takes his PSY test, I'm gonna give him a viagra.

His exam is gonna be a lot harder than expected.

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A man walks into a bar,

**he notices a very large jar on the counter,** **and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10.00 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.**

**He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"**

**"Well ... , you pay $10.00, and ...

I had a drug test at work today. It came back negative

My dealer has some explaining to do

What did the scientist testing his invisibility potion say?

Am I making myself clear?

If I had a dollar for everytime I failed a test

I could finally pay off my student loans

This simple test revealed if people were able to resist clickbait or not.

You failed.

neighbor got a job driving a pepsi truck, they fired him the next day.

he tested positive for coke.

Why was the crash test dummy put in charge of the nuclear launch codes?

They are great at demonstrating restraints.

A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.

The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip.

The American gone first....

What's it called when a drug dealer tests his products?

A business trip.

I got a C on my roman numerals test.

Perfect score.

If I get caught cheating on this math test

I'll have a problem on my hands

Some drug screens involve taking a strand of hair and analyzing it for illicit substances. It's called a follicle test.

Of course there are guys who try to beat that by shaving their head, but that doesn't work because the lab will just take a pubic hair instead. That's called the phallical test.

A guy goes to his doctor to ask for his Medical Test Results.

\-Are my result in, doctor? The wait is killing me.

\-Well... it's not the only thing killing you

A man goes to hospital for the results of his medical tests

The doctor says to him: “Ok sir, I have two pieces of bad news for you. Are you ready to head them?”

The man braces himself and replies yes. The doctor checks his notepad and continues. “Firstly I’m afraid to tell you that you have stage four cancer, it’s terminal.”

The man’s eyes wide...

A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I...

A couple is trying to have a kid

they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on.

After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks a...

Zoology Test

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. 

The professor passed out sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird'...

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Man goes to buy a new car...

The salesman at the dealership talks with him for a while and sets him up with a car that suits his needs. As he's leaving the lot, he wants to listen to some music and discovers there isn't any buttons on the stereo. He beckons over the salesman and asks "what's the deal with the stereo, I can't tu...

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Failed my biology test today.

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"

Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

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If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Testicle.

How did Jesus do in the construction test today?

He nailed it!

A woman goes to the doctor after a sudden weight gain...

The doctor looks over her test results, then looks at the woman and says "well, it looks like you're pregnant."

"Wow, I'm pregnant?" The woman asked.

"No, it just looks like you are" The doctor replied.

I hate math tests

I choke and forget formulas because im 2^2

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