I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

There was a drug test at work today...

Mine came back negative. My dealer owes me an explanation.

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside.

External: Suppose you are travelling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student: I will open the window.

External : Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compartment ...

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

I had a drug test at work today. It came back negative

My dealer has some explaining to do

Zoology Test

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. 

The professor passed out sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird'...

For the first time ever I scored the maximum on a test and I couldn't be happier.

The policeman with the breathalyzer seemed upset though.

I got a C on my roman numerals test.

Perfect score.

As my own boss, I wasn’t sure if I could fire myself, so I decided to test it.

I really let myself go.

My friend got 9/10 on his drivers test

One jumped out of his way

What does a hippie get on his blood test?

B positive.

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Failed my biology test today.

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"

Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

Why do smart cavemen do their tests on stone tablets?

Because the tests are harder

An expecting mother comes to the doctor's office and is awaiting her test results.

The doctor walks in and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that whenever you're out with your baby you'll always be able to find parking!"

As the doctor conducting your STD tests..

I want to congratulate you on your positive results!

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

Why did the leper fail his driving test?

He left his foot on the gas

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

What did the average student at The University of Alabama get on their SAT test?

Drool.....

Some first year uni students come home in the holiday for a surprise maths test of 'What's 2 + 2?'

The engineer says 'well it's 3.75, but given the situation we can round it to 5'

The mathematician goes and works for a while, then comes back saying 'I don't know what the answer is, but I know one exists'

The astrophysicist says 'rounding to the nearest million the answer would be 0'...

A high school student struggles to pass his tests but decides, one day, to pull himself together.

After weeks of hard work and dedication, his grades start picking up.

A month passes and the semester is finally over.

He approaches his father and shows him his grades.

The father looks dramatically into his son's eyes and says:



"long time no C".

I'm still upset they marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question "what did they set up during the French Revolution?"

I maintain that "lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...

What do you call a test tube with a college degree?

A graduated cylinder.

What do you call a pro gamer that tests politics simulator games?

Pro-tester.

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In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''



The other one repl...

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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son...

My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26.

He still doesn't know y.

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What do you call the world's sexiest test tube baby?

Danny DeVitro

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A man is deciding between three women, which to be with. He tests them by giving them each $5000 to see what they each do with the money.

The first woman got a complete spa treatment and makeover to make herself look good for the man. The second woman took her $5000 and bought the man gifts, gadgets and trinkets he’d like to make him happy. The third woman invested the money, made a hefty return on it, and paid back the man his $5000....

A man sits in the doctor’s office waiting for the results of his test.

The the doctor returns and says, “I’m sorry sir, but it looks like you have diabetes.”
The man responds, “Well, I want a second opinion.”
“Okay... you’re ugly, too.”

I passed my drug test at work. I'm glad I get to keep my job.

My dealer has some serious explaining to do though.

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.

and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first priest candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final. As she danced, his ...

If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,

I’d have 16.40 dollars.

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My boss just walked in with some scientists and yelled "Random drug test!"

I think he's taking the piss

What did the Chinese father say to his son when he got under 85% in his test?

You are Asian! NOT B-SIAN!

(I’m not racist... I swear)

I just did incredible on my BMI test.

Highest score in the class!

Old guy goes to the doc for a checkup and brings the wife along because he is hard of hearing. Doc: Everything looks okay but I still want to run some tests so I need a urine, feces, and sperm sample.

Old guy: (To wife) What did he say?

Wife: (loudly) He wants your underwear.

Doctor: “The results of your bold test have come in.”

Me: “You mean blood test?”

The doctor double-checks the results.

Doctor: “Hm, must be a Type-O.”

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I just got a job offer as a PORN STAR, and they demanded that I do a scene without even going through an STD test, of course I refused

because it was NSFW.

how do you study for a DNA test?

highlight the answers with a genetic marker

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"

The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gott...

How did the schizophrenic do on their math test?

They passed with flying colors.

What do you call a DNA test in Alabama?

Incestry DNA

It was mandatory drug test day at my company, and we were standing in line awaiting our turn. Finally, the tester came by with his kit, took one look at me and said, "Sir, you even look stoned. Do you think you can pass this drug test"?

"Sure, man", I said. Then I promptly grabbed the kit and passed it to the guy next to me.

Needless to say, I passed!

Do people think you are YOUNG or OLD? The test, fall over in a supermarket…..

If everyone laughs, you are YOUNG.

If people run over to help, you are OLD.

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I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

Sam got 20 out of 100 on a test.

He thought it was a nice *score*.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous!

Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet!!

Need help cheating on a test?

Just memorize the information the day before your teacher cant catch you because its all in your head

Why did the blood fail the writing test?

Too many type Os.

Why did the blonde fail her driver's test?

The guy told her it was time to park, so she climbed into the back seat.

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If a quiz is quizzical what does that make a test?

Testicle

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Little Billy was excited to get his Eagle badge but had to pass a final test

Billy and his mates are on a camping trip, when the troop leader said "I have one final test for you, Billy," as he pointed towards a tree. "I need you to identify the front of this tree."

Little Billy walks around the tree, studying it, the troop leader is stumped as Billy proclaims, "obviou...

I took an LSD test the other day

I passed with flying colours

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I took the pee test

The doctor took my piss, but slipped and spilled it on me.

I told him, "Urine trouble!".

There was a recent test of one man's super powers...

He was found to be cape able.

[presidential test post]

pls ignore

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

I did an IQ test and when i got the results the doctor in an extremly disturbed face said :

I'm sorry sir your results came back as negative

I took a Color blind test...

Damn optometrist thinks I didn’t realize she showed a bunch of green circles without numbers

I just got a blood test. Was told my blood type is O negative? Do you know what that means?

Means I can donate blood to anyone in the world...who also has aids.

(Stolen from Anthony jeselniks’s standup special)

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything i...

Why couldn’t the doctor read the Blood test?

It was full of Type-O’s

"I'm off to Taiwan for a blood test." "Taipei?"

"Well, I won't know my blood type until I get there."

Have you heard about the new test to detect down syndrome?

24 and me.

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I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty fucking high!

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

State tests came up...

And I opted out of that test just like how my dad opted out of my life.

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I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.


Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

I just aced my IQ test

I got 90 out of 100!



(The sad reality: a person I met IRL was extremely proud that he scored 75 points on his IQ test because he thought the scale went to 100.)

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

I'm so good at programming I don't even need to test before I ship code.

Sent my program last week and haven't heard of any problems since!

Signed,
Richard
Junior Helicopter Auto-Pilot Software Developer

On a high school English test, one question directed to use the word horticulture in a sentence.

I wrote in, You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.

What happens to an Asian when they don't get an A on a test?

They are B-rated

My teacher said our class was do dumb not even 80% of us would pass the test

She’s the dumb one, we don’t even have that much people in our class!

Test results

Doctor: I'm afraid to say your test results look bad.

Patient: How bad?

Doctor: It depends. How old are you?

Patient: I'll be 24 in a couple of weeks.

Doctor: No you won't.

A new doctor at a mental asylum decided to conduct a test

The objective of this test is to determine if those patients are truly mentally ill or not.

He handled patients in groups of three. He puts them in a room and draws a door on a board infront of them. Then he tells them that there is feast behind the door so he can see their reactions.

...

I aced the interview for my dream job and now i just need to pass the drug test

I'm gonna nail this too I do so many drugs

I passed my drug test today.

As a reward for my positive results, I get to go to a resort for a few months.

A Mexican man is taking his US citizenship test and is at the speaking portion.

The proctor says to him "I want you to use pink, yellow, and green in the same sentence."

The man thinks for a bit and finally says, "The phone go green green, I pink it up and say 'Yellow?'"

What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?

They both require chickpea.

What's the best score Canadians get on their tests?

Eh's

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Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo

The cardinal test.

To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes.

The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woma...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she has missed her period for 1 month. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit...

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The Italian Math Test

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
...

CIA Entrance Test

3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to sho...

A guy goes to the doctor for his test results...

The doc pulls out the patient’s file and says “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The guy sighs and says, “Well, what’s the bad news?”

“You’ve been eating so much salami, pepperoni, corned beef, bacon, chorizo and prosciutto that you’ve developed a very rare fatal disease.”

“Wha...

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

Memory Test

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"

The man thought for a moment and answered, "274."

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is thre...

My Maths teacher puts my test paper on the desk

"Either she really likes me or I've failed"





\*Because its covered in X's\*

I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents

because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.

I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me.

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Man, if I got transformed into a pregnancy test...

...I'd be pissed!

Cheap medical test

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. 

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and w...

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Cannibal Fruit Test

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The...

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A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but l...

Did anyone see the questions on that math test?

It was in tenths!

As a doctor, I am addicted to hitting my patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

I really get a kick out of it.

A Scientist was doing a research test on frogs

He put it on the counter cut off a leg and yelled "JUMP FROG JUMP!" Then the frog jumped.

So he cut off another leg and yelled the same thing and the frog jumped.

So he cut off yet another leg and then again yelled"JUMP FROG JUMP!" and the frog jumped

So he cut off the final le...

A man goes to the doctor for blood tests [long]

After extended testing and an agonizing wait, he finally gets a call from the doctor to immediately come into the office and to have as little contact with others as possible.
On arrival he is greeted by a nurse in full bio suit and whisked into a barren room.
The doctor comes in, also in fu...

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I asked the doctor for my wife’s test results

Me: Hello doctor, I was calling to see if you have my wife’s test results?

Doctor: Yes I do, however, the test results came a bit unclear — your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s

Me: Wow, so what should I do?

Doctor: Take her out for a drive and drop her off a few miles from h...

A teacher decided not to grade the tests her class took, and instead gave everyone an A.

She gave no Fs that day.

I told my dad I was going for an eye test today

He texted me afterwards asking "How did it go?"

Two hours later I replied, "Sorry, I didn't see your message."

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