Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

My drug test came back negative

My dealer sure has some explaining to do..

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"

The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gott...

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.

I'd have 83 cents

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

I'm so good at programming I don't even need to test before I ship code.

Sent my program last week and haven't heard of any problems since!

Signed,
Richard
Junior Helicopter Auto-Pilot Software Developer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son...

"I'm off to Taiwan for a blood test." "Taipei?"

"Well, I won't know my blood type until I get there."

My Maths teacher puts my test paper on the desk

"Either she really likes me or I've failed"

​

​

\*Because its covered in X's\*

Why did the photographer fail his test?

Because he couldn't FOCUS

Memory Test

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"

The man thought for a moment and answered, "274."

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is thre...

I took an LSD test the other day

I passed with flying colours

Why couldn't Medusa pass a drug test?

She was a stoner.

I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents

because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.

I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me.

My teacher said our class was do dumb not even 80% of us would pass the test

She’s the dumb one, we don’t even have that much people in our class!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty fucking high!

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

Did anyone see the questions on that math test?

It was in tenths!

I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.


Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

[presidential test post]

pls ignore

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man, if I got transformed into a pregnancy test...

...I'd be pissed!

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The Italian Math Test

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
...

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Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo

The cardinal test.

To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes.

The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woma...

A man goes to the doctor for blood tests [long]

After extended testing and an agonizing wait, he finally gets a call from the doctor to immediately come into the office and to have as little contact with others as possible.
On arrival he is greeted by a nurse in full bio suit and whisked into a barren room.
The doctor comes in, also in fu...

A Scientist was doing a research test on frogs

He put it on the counter cut off a leg and yelled "JUMP FROG JUMP!" Then the frog jumped.

So he cut off another leg and yelled the same thing and the frog jumped.

So he cut off yet another leg and then again yelled"JUMP FROG JUMP!" and the frog jumped

So he cut off the final le...

You ever let out a huge sigh of relieve when getting test results back?

Only a phew will understand.

Doctor: Sir, you're too arrogant and have not looked after yourself. Tests say any small act of physical exertion will kill you.

Arrogant man: Me? Don't make me laugh!

An Orphan boy at my school did really bad in a test and started crying

I said"don't worry your parents won't say anything

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

CIA Entrance Test

3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to sho...

A teacher decided not to grade the tests her class took, and instead gave everyone an A.

She gave no Fs that day.

I always cheated on my psychology tests...

I don't know what that says about me.

How long do those mail in DNA tests take to receive back?

My son was born with a different skincolor than myself and wife. Just wondering what Recessive traits we're passed down to him. I mailed it off over 6 months ago and still no response....

A mental asylum was getting too crowded so the director decided to do a quick test to try and lessen the population..

He chose 15 least mentally ill patients to a room wich he had painted a door on the wall.
He says: "behind that door is freedom, you can now leave this hospital." all of the patients jumped off their benches and and started running towards the door painted on the wall and smashed into the wall e...

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm allegedly sexually obsessed, so I went to a psychologist for a test.

First he drew a straight line and asked me what it is. "That's a penis", I responded.
Next he drew a circle, which I identified as a tit. Finally he drew a triangle, which looked like a vagina of course.


"No doubt," he said, "you are sexually obsessed."

"Are you kidding," ...

Student 1: "How did your English test go?"

Student 2: "It was easy, but question 8 was confusing."

Student 1: "What was it?"

Student 2: "It asked for the past tense of 'think'. I thought and thought and thought, and I ended up putting down 'thinked.'"

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Cannibal Fruit Test

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The...

Cheap medical test

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. 

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked the doctor for my wife’s test results

Me: Hello doctor, I was calling to see if you have my wife’s test results?

Doctor: Yes I do, however, the test results came a bit unclear — your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s

Me: Wow, so what should I do?

Doctor: Take her out for a drive and drop her off a few miles from h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope I never apply for a job that drug tests.

Cuz I don't know shit about drugs.

I told my dad I was going for an eye test today

He texted me afterwards asking "How did it go?"

Two hours later I replied, "Sorry, I didn't see your message."

I finally got a 100 on a test!

It was an IQ test.

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting people on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really seems to get a kick out of it.

Driving test

This man failed driving test 4 times. When he applied for the 5th time the examiner asked him the same question.

Examiner asked, “if you are going at the speed of 50 mph and there is a mountain on one side of the road and ditch on the other side and there is a young boy and an old man standin...

A soldier was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge.

The psychiatrist asked, "Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
"It would be hard to hear", replied the soldier.
"Good", said the psychiatrist. "What would happen If I cut off your other ear?"
"I wouldn't be able to see."
"That's interesting , why do ...

My doctor was telling me that my blood tests had a typo

So I guess it's pretty cool to be a universal donor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a Quiz is Quizzical, what’s a Test?

A written examination in which you are tested on the year’s curriculum.. you dirty minded bastards.

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
...

I missed what the roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500 were on the test.

I'm LIVID

If I had a dollar for every math test I failed...

I’d have $6.48.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old girl tells her mom she has missed her period for 1 month. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit...

My company has just decided we won’t test our products on animals anymore

We make hammers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My chemist wife sometimes uses a test tube as a dildo

She likes it but I think its fucking vial

A man decided to get a DNA test

When the results came, he confronted his parents because he found they weren't his real parents.

His mom, shocked and confused, tried to understand what had happened while his father tried to calm her down.

"I thought you knew" said the father.

"What do you mean?? How was I supp...

The Breathalyzer Test

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'...

What do you call a test tube with a college degree?

a graduated cylinder

I recently did a captcha test...

in which I needed to identify photos with road signs in them, to prove that I'm **NOT** a robot.

No wonder self-driving cars are so dangerous.

Today I got my eye exam and I failed the colour blind test.

It came out of the purple.

I just took my pilots Ed test high on magic mushrooms.

I passed with flying colors.

I'm stoked to have my final college test of the semester tomorrow!

Wish me merry Xams!

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

In Algreba, why is the vertical line test necessary?

You can't function without it

A man goes into the doctors to find out about test results.

The doctor says “I have bad news and really bad news what do you want to hear first?”

The man says “the bad news”.

The doctor replies “I’m afraid you have cancer.

“Oh! then what’s the really bad news?” Asks the man.

“You have dementia” says the doctor.

The man r...

I've just met this girl who is perfect but she doesn't know how to do multiple choice tests.

she ticks all the boxes.

Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.

They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading.

Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question...

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said “I bought these gifts ...

Why was the shredded cheddar mad when the teacher gave him an F on the test?

He felt he had been unfairly grated.

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.


“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.


“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.


So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.


A guy driving by sees this and ...

A military airfield, a test of new aircrafts. A special commission is standing and watching.

Suddenly, a huge bomb falls off one plane, which was going to take off, and begins to roll in the direction of the commission. All fall to the ground, except the old colonel. The bomb rolls straight towards him. He stopped it with his foot, without removing the cigarette from his mouth.

...

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I was late to my french lesson because I was doing an IQ test.

Turns out, je suis en retard.

I deal with my personal problems the same way study for tests...

I don’t.

I took a urine test at the hospital today.

My kleptomania is getting out of hand...

Stanley the Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for his driver's license and the first thing they had him do was take an eyesight test. The optician showed him the chart with the letters, "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z."

"Can you read this?" asked the optician.

Excitedly, Stanley yelled, "Read it?! I know the guy!"

My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals.

I told her I hope she gets a "C".

Why did DRAM flunk his math test?

Because he was SODIMM.

Want to know why I always wear my Seahawks Jersey when I take a test?

It's so I'll pass, even when I shouldn't!

if i had 50p for every maths test i failed

i'd now have £2.30

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer.

"Inside this room you will find your wife sit...

What is the advantage of being a test tube baby?

A room with a view

*DOCTOR*: We got your test results back. You're healthy as a horse.

*Me*: Oh, that's great news. Thanks so much.
*Doctor*: Well, a horse that has cancer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Failed my biology test today...

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An man was in the hospital for a series of tests...

... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is lying in his hospital bed

He is wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"


"I’m sorr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Test Results

John answers the phone one day and it's his wife's doctor on the phone.

"Sir. We have your wife's test results back but I am embarrassed to say we have mixed them up with the results of another patient. We have determined that your wife has either AIDS, or Alzheimer's Disease but are not sur...

Had to take a drug test today.

It took me over a month to study for.

What did the math teacher say when you got a 99 on a test?

Hmm, that's odd.

NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding

When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration.

“What’s a licence” she asks

So the cop explains what a licence is.

The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop.

“I also need to registration” reminds the cop

...

A young man is taking a driving test

The instructor describes a situation: "You're driving along and suddenly there are two people in front of you. A bit to the left there's an old hag and a bit to the right there's a beautiful young woman. Your car can't make it between them. What do you do?"

​

The young man s...

Why is it called a “urine test”?

Because if you fail, urine trouble!

Me: "It's not about how many times you fall. What matters is how many times you get back up."

Officer: "That isn't how field sobriety tests work."

After months of intense meditation in a shaolin temple I was ready for the final test.

The head of the order looked at me kneeling and spoke. ''You've done exceptionally well. You've mastered the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional. Now you must face the practical. The moment you walk out of here your path will seem clear to you, but that doesn't mean it's right.'

So I g...

A: I have a huge problem. B: Are you talking about the test tomorrow?

A: I have two huge problems.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man takes his wife to the doctor for some tests.

The doctor walks into the waiting area and pulls the husband aside.

"Mr. Smith, we have possibly gotten your wife's test results mixed up with the results from another patient, and your wife has either Alzheimer's or AIDS," the doctor said.

The husband replies, "What are going to do ab...

A class comes in from recess and is given a spelling test.

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess" asks the teacher. "I played in the sandbox with Sally" says Jimmy. "That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!" Jimmy does and gets his reward.

"Sally, what did you do during recess?" "I played in the sand box with Jimmy!" "Wo...

The teacher pulls Johnny aside after a test...

“Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests,” she says. “You know I can’t condone cheating.”

Johnny was astounded and asked the teacher to prove it.

"Well,” said the teacher. “I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', an...

What’s the only test a person with Down syndrome does well on?

A DNA test, they get a 47 out of 46.

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

What's the worst thing to say at the start of a driving test?

"So...does this thing have airbags?"

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.

The engineer went in first and was asked, "What is 2+2?"

The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, "4."

Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question.

With little thought he replied, "4.0"

Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the sam...

Why did the stoner fail his driving test?

He kept hitting cones.

Dadding is not easy

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DN...

Finally got positive results on a test

Too bad it was a drug test.. :/

A home DNA test kit

does not make a good baby shower gift.

What's the last thing every Tickle Me Elmo gets before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

I had to take a hepatitis test today

I studied real hard and still got a "C"

Doctor: Mr. Rooseley, are you sure you really want to know your test results?

Patient: I’m dying to know.

Doctor: Well, funny you should say that...

A conspiracy theorist who doesn't believe in Zeus walks out into a field during a thunderstorm wearing his tinfoil hat to test his theory.

Needless to say, he was shocked when he learned the truth.