A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.

I'd have 83 cents

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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son...

My teacher said our class was do dumb not even 80% of us would pass the test

She’s the dumb one, we don’t even have that much people in our class!

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I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

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Man, if I got transformed into a pregnancy test...

...I'd be pissed!

I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.


Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

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I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty fucking high!

CIA Entrance Test

3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to sho...

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Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo

The cardinal test.

To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes.

The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woma...

I told my dad I was going for an eye test today

He texted me afterwards asking "How did it go?"

Two hours later I replied, "Sorry, I didn't see your message."

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Cannibal Fruit Test

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The...

[presidential test post]

pls ignore

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I got kicked out of the college admissions test for smearing shit on the paper, but I was confused why...

The instructions clearly said to use a number two pencil...

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The Italian Math Test

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
...

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I asked the doctor for my wife’s test results

Me: Hello doctor, I was calling to see if you have my wife’s test results?

Doctor: Yes I do, however, the test results came a bit unclear — your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s

Me: Wow, so what should I do?

Doctor: Take her out for a drive and drop her off a few miles from h...

Student 1: "How did your English test go?"

Student 2: "It was easy, but question 8 was confusing."

Student 1: "What was it?"

Student 2: "It asked for the past tense of 'think'. I thought and thought and thought, and I ended up putting down 'thinked.'"

Cheap medical test

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. 

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and w...

biometric test

*When your wife keeps her head on your chest and slowly asks, “Dear, do you have any women in your life other than me”?*

*Remember your answer is not important at this time, what is important is your heartbeat. Keep your heart in control, Don’t panic. It’s just your biometric test.?*

I finally got a 100 on a test!

It was an IQ test.

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting people on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really seems to get a kick out of it.

A soldier was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge.

The psychiatrist asked, "Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
"It would be hard to hear", replied the soldier.
"Good", said the psychiatrist. "What would happen If I cut off your other ear?"
"I wouldn't be able to see."
"That's interesting , why do ...

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If a Quiz is Quizzical, what’s a Test?

A written examination in which you are tested on the year’s curriculum.. you dirty minded bastards.

I missed what the roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500 were on the test.

I'm LIVID

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
...

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I hope I never apply for a job that drug tests.

Cuz I don't know shit about drugs.

Driving test

This man failed driving test 4 times. When he applied for the 5th time the examiner asked him the same question.

Examiner asked, “if you are going at the speed of 50 mph and there is a mountain on one side of the road and ditch on the other side and there is a young boy and an old man standin...

My drug test came back negative.

My drug dealer has some explaining to do.

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

A man decided to get a DNA test

When the results came, he confronted his parents because he found they weren't his real parents.

His mom, shocked and confused, tried to understand what had happened while his father tried to calm her down.

"I thought you knew" said the father.

"What do you mean?? How was I supp...

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My chemist wife sometimes uses a test tube as a dildo

She likes it but I think its fucking vial

The Breathalyzer Test

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'...

My company has just decided we won’t test our products on animals anymore

We make hammers.

If I had a dollar for every math test I failed...

I’d have $6.48.

I recently did a captcha test...

in which I needed to identify photos with road signs in them, to prove that I'm **NOT** a robot.

No wonder self-driving cars are so dangerous.

Today I got my eye exam and I failed the colour blind test.

It came out of the purple.

My IQ tests result came out, I got 200! I am a genius!

That "alcohol in blood" had a funny name for an IQ test.

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School Essay Test

A teacher says to her class “Tomorrow morning there will be a set essay writing exam. You are all to be on your best form and well rested overnight”

One lad pipes up with a smirk “What if we are suffering from severe sexual exhaustion Miss?”

“Well,” she replies “you’ll just have to try...

I just took my pilots Ed test high on magic mushrooms.

I passed with flying colors.

In Algreba, why is the vertical line test necessary?

You can't function without it

I'm stoked to have my final college test of the semester tomorrow!

Wish me merry Xams!

A man goes into the doctors to find out about test results.

The doctor says “I have bad news and really bad news what do you want to hear first?”

The man says “the bad news”.

The doctor replies “I’m afraid you have cancer.

“Oh! then what’s the really bad news?” Asks the man.

“You have dementia” says the doctor.

The man r...

I've just met this girl who is perfect but she doesn't know how to do multiple choice tests.

she ticks all the boxes.

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A blonde was going for a driving test for her license but was nervous as she’d failed 8 times before. After talking with her blonde friends they came up with a sure-fire plan. She was to pick a man as the driving instructor, and to use sex as a bargaining tactic in exchange for passing her

She came back disappointed though, she failed.
“What happened?” her friends asked.
“When I was sucking him off, I crashed”

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she has missed her period for 1 month. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit...

Why was the shredded cheddar mad when the teacher gave him an F on the test?

He felt he had been unfairly grated.

What do you call a test tube with a college degree?

a graduated cylinder

An orphan boy at my school did really bad in a test and started crying.

I said, "Don't worry, your parents won't say anything."

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.


“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.


“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.


So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.


A guy driving by sees this and ...

I always wear a Seattle Seahawks jersey during tests

Because I know I’ll pass when I shouldn’t.

Why did DRAM flunk his math test?

Because he was SODIMM.

I deal with my personal problems the same way study for tests...

I don’t.

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

Stanley the Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for his driver's license and the first thing they had him do was take an eyesight test. The optician showed him the chart with the letters, "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z."

"Can you read this?" asked the optician.

Excitedly, Stanley yelled, "Read it?! I know the guy!"

A military airfield, a test of new aircrafts. A special commission is standing and watching.

Suddenly, a huge bomb falls off one plane, which was going to take off, and begins to roll in the direction of the commission. All fall to the ground, except the old colonel. The bomb rolls straight towards him. He stopped it with his foot, without removing the cigarette from his mouth.

...

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I was late to my french lesson because I was doing an IQ test.

Turns out, je suis en retard.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”
The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said “I bought these gifts ...

Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.

They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading.

Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question...

I took a urine test at the hospital today.

My kleptomania is getting out of hand...

What is the advantage of being a test tube baby?

A room with a view

Had to take a drug test today.

It took me over a month to study for.

if i had 50p for every maths test i failed

i'd now have £2.30

What did the math teacher say when you got a 99 on a test?

Hmm, that's odd.

Why is it called a “urine test”?

Because if you fail, urine trouble!

After months of intense meditation in a shaolin temple I was ready for the final test.

The head of the order looked at me kneeling and spoke. ''You've done exceptionally well. You've mastered the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional. Now you must face the practical. The moment you walk out of here your path will seem clear to you, but that doesn't mean it's right.'

So I g...

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Man takes his wife to the doctor for some tests.

The doctor walks into the waiting area and pulls the husband aside.

"Mr. Smith, we have possibly gotten your wife's test results mixed up with the results from another patient, and your wife has either Alzheimer's or AIDS," the doctor said.

The husband replies, "What are going to do ab...

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An man was in the hospital for a series of tests...

... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young ...

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Test Results

John answers the phone one day and it's his wife's doctor on the phone.

"Sir. We have your wife's test results back but I am embarrassed to say we have mixed them up with the results of another patient. We have determined that your wife has either AIDS, or Alzheimer's Disease but are not sur...

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Failed my biology test today...

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

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A guy is lying in his hospital bed

He is wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"


"I’m sorr...

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A guy goes to the doctor and asks if there is a test to determine if he's gay...

The doctor replies, "Why, yes, there is. Drop your pants".

The doc puts on his rubber gloves and grabs the guy's balls and ays to him, "Say 44". The guy looks at the doc and says, "44".

The doc takes the guy's dick in his hand and says to him, "Say 44".The guy looks at the doc and says...

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer.

"Inside this room you will find your wife sit...

A young man is taking a driving test

The instructor describes a situation: "You're driving along and suddenly there are two people in front of you. A bit to the left there's an old hag and a bit to the right there's a beautiful young woman. Your car can't make it between them. What do you do?"

​

The young man s...

Why did the stoner fail his driving test?

He kept hitting cones.

I took my driving test the other day ....

When the instructor told me I'd failed I told him I hadn't seen this coming. He said "You should have read the signs".

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.

The engineer went in first and was asked, "What is 2+2?"

The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, "4."

Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question.

With little thought he replied, "4.0"

Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the sam...

A: I have a huge problem. B: Are you talking about the test tomorrow?

A: I have two huge problems.

Me: "It's not about how many times you fall. What matters is how many times you get back up."

Officer: "That isn't how field sobriety tests work."

My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals.

I told her I hope she gets a "C".

Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

What’s the only test a person with Down syndrome does well on?

A DNA test, they get a 47 out of 46.

Apparently, even if you hit kids during your driving test, you'll still pass.

They're only considered to be minors.

Finally got positive results on a test

Too bad it was a drug test.. :/

A conspiracy theorist who doesn't believe in Zeus walks out into a field during a thunderstorm wearing his tinfoil hat to test his theory.

Needless to say, he was shocked when he learned the truth.

I had to take a hepatitis test today

I studied real hard and still got a "C"

A home DNA test kit

does not make a good baby shower gift.

I don't understand the appeal of Rorshac tests.

They all look like my parents fighting

3 men are about to take a test to become a CIA agent

They were told that they needed to kill a double agent that was captured recently with the gun given to them. However the trick is that the gun fires blanks and the person in the room is the agent to be’s father, so this is merely a test of dedication, and the final step to becoming a CIA agent
<...

A class comes in from recess and is given a spelling test.

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess" asks the teacher. "I played in the sandbox with Sally" says Jimmy. "That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!" Jimmy does and gets his reward.

"Sally, what did you do during recess?" "I played in the sand box with Jimmy!" "Wo...

Pre-tests are a stupid name for it.

They should call them EXAMples

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3 guys were at their final test to become FBI agents.

The instructor said " ok guys during this job we have a lot of information that can't be leaked. So to prove you will do anything to keep this information confidential we have each of your wives in a separate room. I want you to take this gun and kill your wife."

The first guy takes the gun g...

How do you test if two Central Europeans can hear you?

Czech 1, Chez 2

What's the last thing every Tickle Me Elmo gets before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

What did one mushroom say to another after winning the taste tests?

We are Champignons!

Dadding is not easy

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DN...

40 years ago today, Louise Brown became the first test tube baby...

She had a womb with a view.

A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

The teacher pulls Johnny aside after a test...

“Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests,” she says. “You know I can’t condone cheating.”

Johnny was astounded and asked the teacher to prove it.

"Well,” said the teacher. “I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', an...

I had a genetic test done...

I learned brave men run in my family

Passing The Test

A young Lieutenant is sitting at a bar, a beautiful woman approaches him and offers to buy him a drink. They have a few drinks filled with pleasent conversation. Afterwards she invites him back to her apartment for some casual fun.

They get to the apartment and she says 'listen I don't let j...

The Teacher tells her class: “Your science test was terrible. 32% of you got an F.”

A blonde student shouts in anger: “That can’t be right, there’s not even 20 of us in the class!"

Why couldn't Medusa pass a drug test?

She was a stoner.

I made a 70 on my iq test.

Hey, at least I passed.

I know I did okay on today's programming test...

...because my teacher gave me a C++.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor