A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

A Polish man was getting his eyesight tested

The optician brings out a card with the letters

C R W I N O K S T A Z

"Can you read the letters" asks the optician.

The Polish man:"Read it? I know the guy."

What do you give a stoned communist who did well on a test?

High Marx

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says: “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies: “God and I are close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

"Hey, teacher," said Mr Soprano, "what grade did I get in the test?"

"A, Tony!" said the teacher.

Had a test the other day and got the highest possible score!

The policeman holding the breathalyser wasn't as happy as me though...

Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded.

There were Rhesus pieces everywhere.

My drug test came back negative.

My dealer has some explaining to do...

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

I just took a DNA test, turns out, I'm 100%

going to jail for shoplifting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The test. What kind of homosexual are you?

>!You are a curious homosexual!!<

Some people think the testes and the prostate are the same thing.

In reality, there’s a vas deferens between the two.

IQ tests are a foolproof measure of intelligence.

If you care about your score you're a certified idiot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

Student in a test

An engineering student was in oral test. The professor asked him" what do usually ride when you go home ?".

The student answered " the bus"

Professor : cool, tell me what you would do i...

If I had a dollar for everytime I failed a test

I could finally pay off my student loans

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Professor - Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Professor - Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compart...

If I get caught cheating on this math test

I'll have a problem on my hands

Some drug screens involve taking a strand of hair and analyzing it for illicit substances. It's called a follicle test.

Of course there are guys who try to beat that by shaving their head, but that doesn't work because the lab will just take a pubic hair instead. That's called the phallical test.

At the time of his death, Steve Irwin was testing a new sunblock...

Turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

A man goes to hospital for the results of his medical tests

The doctor says to him: “Ok sir, I have two pieces of bad news for you. Are you ready to head them?”

The man braces himself and replies yes. The doctor checks his notepad and continues. “Firstly I’m afraid to tell you that you have stage four cancer, it’s terminal.”

The man’s eyes wide...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Testicle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tomorrow when my roommate asks me for a adderall before he takes his PSY test, I'm gonna give him a viagra.

His exam is gonna be a lot harder than expected.

Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...

Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

What did the scientist testing his invisibility potion say?

Am I making myself clear?

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

Why was the crash test dummy put in charge of the nuclear launch codes?

They are great at demonstrating restraints.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

This simple test revealed if people were able to resist clickbait or not.

You failed.

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

The blood test results said I have type A blood

But apparently it was a type O

So the genius kid in my computer class got an F on a test. It was only 15 question.

Good thing is was a test on hex

How did Jesus do in the construction test today?

He nailed it!

Adam knew he studied hard for his test, but couldn’t figure out where he went wrong.

He had spent almost 2 weeks preparing for this test. If he didn’t get 100%, he would fail chemistry and have to take summer school.

Knowing this, he panicked and furiously scanned the test to find out where he went wrong. Finally he saw the final question marked with an X. “Draw an atom”.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

What's it called when a drug dealer tests his products?

A business trip.

What bank do drug testing companies prefer to use?

PNC

What are the pros and cons of a test?

Protest and contest.

Europeans have been testing aircraft engines against bird strikes for a long while, using a cannon which launched (deceased, obviously) chickens at the aeroplane.

Eventually, the Americans decided they needed to test their engines tbe same way. So they brought a device over and started testing. No matter how resilient they made the engines, they always failed. After months of testing, they gave up and sent for a European engineer to advise on what wad wrong.<...

I am taking a test and I need to know what element Au is. Can someone help me?

I'm going to fail this test if I don't have the answer

I had a drug test at work today. It came back negative

My dealer has some explaining to do

Employee: We should stop testing our products on animals.

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time!

Employee: Yeah but we make hammers...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ancestry DNA test shows 10% African, 20% Mexican, 40% Cuban, 5% Chinese...

Mom, what this even mean?

-Mom "a fucking great party"

A guy goes to his doctor to ask for his Medical Test Results.

\-Are my result in, doctor? The wait is killing me.

\-Well... it's not the only thing killing you

I got 100 percent on my test!!

I was arrested cause apparently you can't drive when you're "drunk"

As my own boss, I wasn’t sure if I could fire myself, so I decided to test it.

I really let myself go.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

I got a C on my roman numerals test.

Perfect score.

Not to worry. I was only testing the smoke detectors.

On a totally unrelated subject. Supper is ready.

Totos is wondering why he failed the test since he answered all questions correct:

1. In which battle did Leonidas die?

\- His last one.



2. Where did the Declaration of Independence was signed?

\- At the bottom of the page.



3. If you throw a stone in the lake, what will happen?

\- It will get wet.



4. How can some...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Failed my biology test today.

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"

Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

What do the first few tests of a parachute and the invention of it have in common?

They were both ground breaking...

After extensive testing the C.I.A. has gotten down to it's final 3 candidates of this recruiting cycle, being 1 female and 2 males.

The recruiter tells them that in working for the C.I.A they need to be ready for anything and the final test is to prove this.

The recruiter explains that each recruit will have to go into the interrogation room that their respected husband or wife is in and kill them with the gun provided. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors mixed up my wife’s test results.

Had to take the wife to the doctors the other day. A couple of days later, the doctor calls with some bad news. He said “Sir, I really apologize for the inconvenience, but we mixed up your wife’s blood tests with another patients, she’s either got dementia or AIDS. “ I said “great, how the hell am I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman rings the surgery to ask about a pregnancy test

The receptionist makes an appointment and says "Be sure to bring in a urine sample". The woman says "okay" and hangs up, then turns to her husband and says "What's a urine sample?". He looks puzzled and says "I don't know, it's not like I've ever been for a pregnancy test. But Betty next door has, w...

Zoology Test

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. 

The professor passed out sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird'...

Our Business is implementing random drug testing...

I'm OK with doing most of them but I'm kinda nervous about trying Crack.

"I can't believe I'm going to be a father!" I tearfully exclaimed as my wife emerged from the bathroom with the pregnancy test in hand.

"Actually," she said, "You're going to be an uncle."



********



(I just made this one up for r/twosentencehorror and it dawned on me that it probably belongs here too)

I used to know a Russian sound engineer who said DA to test microphones.

And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

The CIA is testing recruits

Out of more than 300 who aspired to become elite special agents only three made it to the final test: Two men and a woman. During weeks in which they reached and exceeded physical and psychological limits they proved time and time again that they are better than all others. Now, they are facing the ...

I ate the exam paper

Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test

Apparently Kim Jong Un supervised the testing of a new missile weapon system.

I don't know, but it seems quite dangerous to have missiles being fired Un-supervised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son...

Today I went to the fertility clinic for a test...

...I asked the doctor, "How did I perform on the test?"

He said, "It was a stroke of genius!"

A guy's girlfriend is having a hard time parking the car. He tells her "You ought to get tested." She says, "Why? Am I that bad?"

He says. "No. I've got chlamydia."

Me: I just got the results of my genetic testing, and I'm shocked.

Dad: Hi shocked, I'm dad.

Me: No, you're not.

Found out my teacher never finished scoring my spelling test.

I will make her do it.

Mark my words.

For the first time ever I scored the maximum on a test and I couldn't be happier.

The policeman with the breathalyzer seemed upset though.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

Why do smart cavemen do their tests on stone tablets?

Because the tests are harder

What does a hippie get on his blood test?

B positive.

My friend got 9/10 on his drivers test

One jumped out of his way

Your duck is dead.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

A high school student struggles to pass his tests but decides, one day, to pull himself together.

After weeks of hard work and dedication, his grades start picking up.

A month passes and the semester is finally over.

He approaches his father and shows him his grades.

The father looks dramatically into his son's eyes and says:



"long time no C".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is deciding between three women, which to be with. He tests them by giving them each $5000 to see what they each do with the money.

The first woman got a complete spa treatment and makeover to make herself look good for the man. The second woman took her $5000 and bought the man gifts, gadgets and trinkets he’d like to make him happy. The third woman invested the money, made a hefty return on it, and paid back the man his $5000....

Doctor: “The results of your bold test have come in.”

Me: “You mean blood test?”

The doctor double-checks the results.

Doctor: “Hm, must be a Type-O.”

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: I have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

A week from today, I'm going to an event at a dog genetics testing facility.

It's called the Labor Day Labrador Laboratory.

What do you call a pro gamer that tests politics simulator games?

Pro-tester.

What did the average University of Alabama student get on their SAT test?

Drool

Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up”

Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

As the doctor conducting your STD tests..

I want to congratulate you on your positive results!

A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

If I Had A Nickel For Every Math Test I Failed...

I'd have 97 cents.

My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26.

He still doesn't know y.

What do you call a test tube with a college degree?

A graduated cylinder.

Some first year uni students come home in the holiday for a surprise maths test of 'What's 2 + 2?'

The engineer says 'well it's 3.75, but given the situation we can round it to 5'

The mathematician goes and works for a while, then comes back saying 'I don't know what the answer is, but I know one exists'

The astrophysicist says 'rounding to the nearest million the answer would be 0'...

If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,

I’d have 16.40 dollars.

Why did the leper fail his driving test?

He left his foot on the gas

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? Wh...

I'm still upset they marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question "what did they set up during the French Revolution?"

I maintain that "lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''



The other one repl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night I was out for a few drinks.

One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.


Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.


Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers...

I’ve never understood the stereotype that Asian people are good at math,

so I decided to test it out.

I went up to at least 100 different people in China and asked them a couple of math questions

The first was “What is 109 squared?”. Around 68% of them answered correctly, which I was shocked about.

Then I asked “If 2 lengths of a triangle are 37 and ...

A man sits in the doctor’s office waiting for the results of his test.

The the doctor returns and says, “I’m sorry sir, but it looks like you have diabetes.”
The man responds, “Well, I want a second opinion.”
“Okay... you’re ugly, too.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss just walked in with some scientists and yelled "Random drug test!"

I think he's taking the piss

#2857: Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from o...

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the world's sexiest test tube baby?

Danny DeVitro

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been ad...

I passed my drug test at work. I'm glad I get to keep my job.

My dealer has some serious explaining to do though.

What do you call a DNA test in Alabama?

Incestry DNA

Whats the last thing they give a Tickle Me Elmo when he rolls off the factory line?

Two test tickles

What did the Chinese father say to his son when he got under 85% in his test?

You are Asian! NOT B-SIAN!

(I’m not racist... I swear)

Sam got 20 out of 100 on a test.

He thought it was a nice *score*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FBI had an open position for an assassin

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what t...

[presidential test post]

pls ignore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty fucking high!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.