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Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."

Took an ancestry test and found out I’m 50% Jewish.

But I talked them down to 40.

The test

Students in a design school were doing the final test. The assingment was to design some piece of furniture. They started. Someone was designing a couch, someone a bed, but one student was drawing a bunch of dolls in a strait line. The proffesor was surprised and he asked the student if he knew what...

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the test papers and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a not...

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

An English test question asked us to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence.

I wrote, "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."

A teenager fails his math test

As a father was passing by his son's bedroom, he was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed, ‘Dad.’

With trembling hands he opened the envelope and read the letter.

“D...

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A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people who lie, when he gets home for dinner he decides to test it out.

He asks his son what he did this afternoon,

The son says "I went to friends house and did homework." The robot slapped him.

"Ok, I lied. We watched a movie." he sheepishly said.

"What movie?" asked the father.

"Toy Story." The son answered and was again slapped by the r...

A man goes to a doctor for a test result

The doctor comes back with the coronavirus test results and asks the patient whether they want to hear the good or bad news first.

The patient says: "First the bad, please."
The doctor says, "You have the coronavirus." "And what's the good news?" asks the patient.

Doctor: "I go...

Word Test

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is dumbass cat
...

A man asks the doctor: -"Have you got the results of my tests? I'm dying of curiosity!"

And the doctor replies: -"It's not just curiosity..."

A man takes his wife to get tested

Two days later, he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?

Doctor: Take her for long walk and le...

I just passed my drug test.

My dealer has some explaining to do.

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then

I would have 37 dollars.

Apparently, people in the U.S. are no longer amateurs at taking COVID-19 tests!

At least, that is what the news leads you to believe, they keep saying how everyone is now pro testers.

I test microphones and speakers for a living...

Let me know if anyone has any feedback.

I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19

Looks like he got coronated at last!

I mixed up the temperature units when doing my Physics test

As a result, I got an absolute zero.

A man's wife comes up to him with a positive pregnancy test...

"Are you kidding me!" she says.
"Yes."

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

I just passed a drugs test at work.

Although I am happy to have kept my job, I'll be having words with my dealer.

As the United States reopens, the federal government has issued a rapid coronavirus test that’s just 25 cents.

Heads is positive. Tails is negative.

Chuck Norris tested positive for COVID-19.

The virus is now in quarantine for two weeks.

I came across this equation on my chemistry test - C2H6O...

Looks like I'm dealing with an alcohol problem.

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

Different names for a Power On Self Test, when it goes wrong and smoke comes out of the device:

Power On Smoke Test

Power On (and) S#!T Trousers

Power Oh S#!T TURNITOFF

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

Did you hear Stephen Miller's wife tested positive for COVID?

It turns out swallowing vampire is as dangerous as eating bat.

The quickest way to get a Covid-19 test in the US

Cough on a rich person and wait for their results.

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My DNA tests came back. Turns out I'm mostly French and British.

No wonder I fucking hate myself.

The leper failed his driving test.

He left his foot on the clutch.

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I'm currently testing a penis enlargement method I found on the internet where you put tight o-rings on your dick for some days.

I think it's starting to work, my penis already turned black.

I applied for a job at a marijuana dispensary, and was surprised to learn that I would have to take a drug test.

I hope it's multiple choice. I tested meth, crack, *and* weed.

Hip-hop Music Artist Lil' Wayne announced that he's tested positive for COVID-19

The rapper said that he's okay and mostly recovered though, just a lil'weezy.

My girlfriend got the coronavirus so I broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she’s seeing a new guy now and apparently he just tested positive. Be careful out there everyone, I guess what they say is true.

Ex gon give it to ya

Why shouldn’t you sit next to a cheetah during a test?

Because it will eat you

Prague just installed new Covid-19 testing stations.

They named them Czech points.

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My Dr wanted to run a series of tests and said he would need a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample.

So I left him my underwear.

"I just urinated on a pregnancy test," said my girlfriend. "I'm pregnant."

"Are you going to keep it?" I asked.

She said, "No, it stinks like wee."

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What does watching porn and taking an online test have in common?

You close 20 tabs when you're finished.

I was taking a test today for school when the teacher told us that the test would close if we opened a new tab.

Thank goodness I opened a new computer up instead.

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My new employer asked me to take a drug test. I said "No, thanks."

"I'll pass."

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I bought my friend four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive, and now she crying, she asked me..

“How the fuck am I going to feed four kids”

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What do you call a person that oversees students taking a test about the rectum?

A proctorologist.

R.Kelly has tested positive..

for SHEWASNT-19

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I've decided to stop masturbating as a test of willpower for the next 30 days.

Starting tomorrow.

A gypsy is doing his driving test.

The instructor asks him: What road sign is that?

The gypsy replies: Aluminium

NASA has said that an engineers pet was crushed during Mars Rover testing

Turns out Curiosity did kill the cat.

MEN - if you are having trouble getting someone pregnant, getting your sperm count tested is quick and easy.

But it’ll cost a load.

Anyone who subscribes to r/Jokes should be tested for Coronavirus

One of the symptoms of the disease is having no taste.

If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..

I would have $6.38.

I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

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A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

I failed my test on Canadian Geography today

I knew Nunavut

A test to see if your wife or your dog loves you more: put them both in the trunk for two hours

Then open the trunk. Who's happy to see you?

Simple solution to the coronavirus test shortage:

Hook people up to lie detectors and ask them if they have the virus

R. Kelly has just tested negative for Covid 19

Bet if it was Covid 15 he'd be all over that though.

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM


Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Well, you don't have alzheimers, but y...

I don't get why people are ripping on Trump for not being tested for the coronavirus.

Let's be honest here, even that thing wouldn't voluntarily touch him.

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

Donald Trump has been tested..

He managed to get the square into the square slot but struggled with the triangle and circle.

Biology Test

Biology Teacher : Everybody draw female reproductive organ.

*One girl felt shy and looked down*


A boy shouted : Mam, she's copying.

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I went to get my eyes tested the other day...

The clinical was named 'Asif Eye Care'.

Worst service ever!!!

Nobody gives a fuck about anything there!!!

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Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.



Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

Harvey Weinstein tests positive for coronavirus while in jail.

He probably thought 19 in COVID-19 meant age.

My friend failed the personality test portion of the interview

He couldn’t get past the RECAPTCHA

What do you call someone who watches you take a test while wearing a vest?

Proctor Seuss

My sister was a test-tube baby

She had a womb with a view.

Italian Wedding Test!

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight m...

Golden showers are the only litmus test for a relationship.

How else will you know urine love?

"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

Robin walks into the garage in the bat cave to test drive the batmobile.

He jumps into the batmobile and tries to get it started but it wont work.
So Robin goes to find batman to help him.
Robin explains to batman that the batmobile isn't working.
"Check the battery" says batman.
"Who is tery?" Robin says confused.

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A manager of a small restaurant just discovered that someone in their town tested positive for COVID-19

The manager calls a meeting of his three employees--an Italian, a Scottsman, and a Japanese man.

The manager says to the Italian, "Sanitize everything in the kitchen!"

The manager then says to the Scottsman, "Make new to-go flyers! All our new dishes need to be on there!"

The ma...

I always get an A+ on my Microsoft Office tests.

I Excel at it.

I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today.

I dropped my pants and bent over.

They should have said it was a thermal scan!

Why is vaccinating before proper safety testing can occur such a bad idea?

Nobody likes Premature Inoculations.

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

Harvey Weinstein tests positive for Coronavirus....

...And Herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhoea, crabs and papilloma virus.

I put my body to the test and accidentally overdosed on hallucinogenics.

Sure, I died, but I passed with flying colors!

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People who test Viagra...

Are always hard at work

So my teacher only gave me a week to study before the test.

So I killed him and got 46 years.

Testing trouble.

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the q...

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CDC: Mr. President, two Brazilian diplomats have tested positive for the coronavirus.

Trump: Holy shit! (pause) How many is a "brazilian"?

Questions on the new quarantine math test

If johnny has 30 watermelons, and is forbidden to contact or interact with any other people for 21 days, how many watermelons is he left with?

I'm excited to start my new job testing gumshields

It's something to get my teeth into

What do you call a caviar taste test?

An Eggs-amination!

Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

I went and got tested for the Corona anti-body

Turns out it was just a beer belly.

I always prayed before my trigonometry tests..

I was hoping for a sine from above

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

My nephew took a career placement test at school.

It told him he was going to be a pirate when he grew up. My sister was furious. She matched to the school and demanded to speak to his teacher.

"Why does this test say that my son is supposed to be a pirate?! Is this some kind of joke?"

The teacher calmly pulled out the boy's report c...

The CDC needs volunteers for the control group to test a new antidote for children.

Any antivaxxers have kids they can part with?

What did the math teacher say to his trig class when he saw the test?

This should be smooth scalene for you guys

How did a cow do so well on his math test?

He did all the proper cowculations

First time posting, my gf wasn’t very impressed but hope you guys can find humour in this!!

Omg thank you for the silver I’ve never gotten one before. I’m totally bragging now lol

A college professor is giving his students a test

At the start of the exam, the Professor says, “You have exactly 2 hours. I will not accept any papers after this time has elapsed.”

Two hours later, the Professor calls out, “Time’s up, Ladies and Gentlemen.”

One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the Professor has...

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, dec...

Boris Johnson has just tested positive for corona virus.

He’s been placed on the new Dyson ventilator we are pleased to say he’s picking up nicely.

Tekashi69 has been tested positive for COVID-19

In other news, the virus seems to be cooperating with scientists

After testing positive in Tuscaloosa, my uncle Reamus ran out of ICU naked into the woods...

He checked back in two days later, covered in tick bites. I asked him what the hell he was thinking.

He replied, "Well... your Daddy's gonna die the way he lived: Corona and Lyme"

I failed an eye test the other day

I asked the doctor what that meant about my eyes






He said, "they don't look good"

To all those waiting for the results of their COVID-19 test

Dont worry. Think positive.

A man gets shipwrecked on a small island.

After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftain.

The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests.

If he passes all three tests, the tribe will accept him as...

I tried to test my new gun at the range, but it wouldn’t work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

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Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sexuality test

A friend of mine was tested to see if he was homosexual.

He failed the oral test.

Trump tested negative for COVID-19, tomorrow's Headlines will go:

DONALD DUCKS COVID

Tom Hanks and his wife Rita have tested positive for COVID-19.

It's not the first time he's been in isolation with a Wilson.

My classmate didn't study for our test in mathematics about probability.

"I'll take my chances", he said.

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.



The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some Catholic priests are doing their final test before becoming ministers.

The final test was to stand naked with a bell on your penis, and then receive a lap dance. The candidates had to prove their vow of celebacy by not getting aroused. They bring in the stripper and she gives each guy a lap dance, and each one does not get aroused. When she gets the the final candidate...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, I can 't stop singing "What's New, Pussycat."

Hmm...I'll run some tests, but it's probably Tom Jones syndrome.

\--Is that common?

Well, it's not unusual.

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