UPJOKE
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A politician goes on trial

Before he goes to the stand, his lawyer tells him, "remember, if you get asked a question you don't know how to answer, plead the fifth."

The bailiff asks "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

The politician pauses for a moment a...

Did you hear about the banana on trial?

He won his case on a-peal

Jeffrey Dahmer's trial...

Dahmer's lawyer speaks up:
"Your honor, if you are what you eat, then my client is an innocent man!"

Three older ladies are discussing the trials of getting older.

One says, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.” The second lady chimes in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on...

Did you hear about the workers' compensation trial for the British banana?

He won, and now he's on the Dole.

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A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

A blacksmith was put on trial for a murder he did not commit

A guard from a village was found dead with a sword sticking through his chest. The blade was deemed to be the handiwork of the local blacksmith, however he had been away from the village by the time of the murder. Nonetheless, he was arrested shortly after returning and demanded his immediate releas...

Warning: Lawyer joke ahead

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator ...

Why are white prison gangs the scariest?

Because they had a fair trial and still ended up in prison

Did you hear about the heart warming emotional testimony the molester gave at his trial?

Even the jury was touched.

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Just saw Amber Heard try to fake cry during the trial.

Can’t really tell if she’s a shitty actress or just a shitting actress.

50 Jokes for 50 US States Part II

# Alaska

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, 'Where were you on the night of October to April?'

Disclaimer: This is not my joke. And I sure hope that its not a repost from any of the subs. I am sure that there will be numerous va...

Be afraid, very afraid

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked,

\- "Mrs. Jones, do you know ...

The Florida man accused of stealing a truck full of $75,000 with of Campbell's soup is finally going to trial...

I, for one, hope they lock him up for M'm! M'm! Good!!!

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

A man from northern Alaska is on trial…

The prosecutor asks in a menacing tone, “Where were you in the night from October to April?”

A verdict has been reached in the Jussie Smollett trial.

I hope he doesn't beat himself up over this, again.

A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.

The prosecution says: "she didn...

They keep calling the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial “defamation case”…

I think there’s a typo there.

God spoke to His angels

He said, "after extensive trials I have figured out a way to rotate a planet so it receives an even distribution of sunlight and evening."

"Wow," said one angel. "What are you going to do now, sir? "

And God said, "Call it a day."

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

A radio shock jock calls a prominent socialite a pig on his radio show and is sued for defamation . . .

He loses at trial and asks the judge "Does this means I can no longer call Mrs. Harris a pig?"

The judge replies "That's what it means"

The jock asks "Can I call a pig Mrs. Harris?"

The judge says "Yes, the First Amendment still allows that".

The jock turns to the plainti...

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Amber Heard’s lawyer sure is having a hard time in this trial…

He really shit the bed with this one.

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What does Jurassic park and the Depp v. Heard Trial have in common?

They both feature Amber full of crap.

Judge

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn't it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

The prosecutor aga...

The author of the book " How to murder your husband" is on trial for murdering her husband

I'm now writing a book " how to be a billionaire"

A man goes to drown his sorrows after losing a trial. He exclaims, "All lawyers are scumbags!"

The man next to him says, "I take issue with that."

"Why, are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a scumbag."

An engineer on trial.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said t...

An orchestra is performing Chopin

Halfway through the performance a cellist bursts into the concert hall, late and drunk as a skunk. He then pushes his way to his seat and starts awkwardly sawing away at his cello as if nothing was awry.

The conductor was furious! He snapped his baton and dove at the cellist, choking him to d...

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

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Three Safari Men

There were three men (a pastor, a father, and a good 'ol boy redneck) that happened to be taking a safari of the Amazon rainforest when they are separated from the rest of the group. After a few days and trying to find their way back to civilization, they were captured by a local tribe, bound and b...

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A man who is aroused by going to courthouses and listening to verdicts is eventually arrested for masturbating during a public trial

They tried him, and he got off on a technicality

Carrying a saw

He had stolen a saw, and on his trial he told the judge that he only took it for a joke.

"How far did you carry it?" inquired the Judge.

"Two miles", answered the prisoner.

"Ah! That is carrying a joke too far", said the judge, and the prisoner was sentenced to jail for three m...

A trial for murder is being held and all the evidences indicate that the defendant is guilty But the body has never been found

Just before the sentence is concluded his astute lawyer stands up and says: "ladies and gentlement, the deceased will enter the room in a few minutes".

There is a sudden commotion after these things were said. A few minutes pass then some more and no one has entered the room.

After a...

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Herman Goering was interviewed shortly before the Nuremberg trials.

Goering was asked what he believed the outcome of the trial would be. He immediately told the interviewer that he was sure he would be found guilty and executed a short while later. The interviewer, shocked that such a seemingly confident man would be so sure of his demise asked him why he believed ...

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

Will Smith tied to recent murders to stand trial after damning evidence.

He left fresh prints everywhere

Did you hear about the guy on trial for murder trying to get off with an insanity plea by pretending he’s a fish?

He was trying to be coy

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

I was on the jury for a murder trial

Someone pulled my pants down as I entered the court room.

They declared it a hung jury....and the accused got off.

She was still convicted though.

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A trial in UK

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on hi...

The guy who took Pelosi's podium faces trial next week

But he won't be taking the stand

Why did the jury cry at the molester’s hearing?

It was a very touching trial.

A bed is on trial for killing its mother

Prosecutor says it's mattress-cide.

So I volunteered for the Russian Vaccine Trial for...

So I volunteered for the Russian Vaccine Trial for Covid-19. It's been kept very, very quiet for security reasons. I received my first shot and wanted to let you know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, чт...

Teenager is on trial for murder of both of his parents

Before ready to pass the sentence, Judge asks him: "Do you want to say anything to the court?"

And the young man says "Have mercy your highness! I am just a poor orphan!"

A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.

At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."

The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
...

A physicist on trial for murder stated that Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle made it impossible to place him at the scene of the crime

The judge gave him a life sentence and told him to use his expertise to determine what quantity of his person was within or outside of prison at any given time

A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:

"Is it true you were working at night?  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"

The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

I'm on Trial for Murder

The prosecutor says to me while I'm on the stand, "Did you kill that man?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?"

I said, "Yeah it's a lot less than the penalty for murder."

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

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Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

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Initially I was proud of my participation in a trial for cloning humans...

...but now, I don't think I can live with myself.

A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself.

The man replies, "if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here."

After months of preliminary testing, Dr. D. Johnson's supplement to cure the side-effects of COVID-19 went into final trials

Unfortunately the drug only allowed you to smell what the rock was cooking

I was on trial for stealing a man's luggage.

It was a briefcase.

When birds get arrested, they get no trial.

They go straight to prison because they’re too much of a flight risk.

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven...

When an old man approaches.


"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.


"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I l...

After 8 months of trial and error, hundreds of hours of YouTube, losing money, almost giving up, I can finally say I made my first $100 trading stocks

Never mind, I'm in the red again.

.. worst part about the Salem witch trials....

... having to go door to door to tell neighbors you're a registered hex offender.

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

Rich people use their money and infleunce to avoid standing trials about their crimes

Jeffrey Epstein learnt this the hard way

After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.

"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

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The White House has announced that they are recruiting volunteers for phase three clinical trials of Clorox as a treatment for COVID-19. There are only two prerequisites for participants...

The participants must be at least 18 years old, and must be registered Democrats.

What would Giuliani bring to a trial by combat?

Depends

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.

The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:

“Where were you on the night of October to April?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who was on trial for masturbating to obscure court cases?

He got off on a technicality.

A judge is hearing a murder trial.

Imp and her spirite-elf that was killed and the suspect, a 16 year old who's represented by his father, Ep.

After hearing the case, the judge decides.

Ep's teen didn't kill Imp's elf.

Mario is in a court trial for not following traffic rules.

Judge : This is the 10th time you’ve sped at a red light this week. As a punishment you need to pay $ 1000.
Its a fine that you’ve to pay.

Mario : No, itssa not.

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Why did the eyewitness arrive to trial with one less testicle and a bag full of cash?

They were told to give teste-money

Guy in court for bank robbery.

After 3 weeks of trial the Jury finds the man not guilty, Judge says to the defendant, the Jury have found you not guilty, you are free to leave: The Guy then asks, does this mean I get to keep the money?

The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial

The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

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A serial killer was on trial....

The prosecution began its case.

"We allege the accused rendered the victim unconscious and then using his saw .."

At which point a guy at the back shouts out "you rotten bastard"

The judge calls for order and asks the spectators to refrain from shouting out.

The prosecuti...

A cellphone goes on trial

Its guilty as charged

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Three guys get lost in a jungle

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways...

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A grammar nazi stood trial for indecent exposure.

He got off on a technicality.

The vaccine's trial should be done on politicians first

If they survive the vaccine is safe, if they don't the country is safe.

A man is facing trial for a motor vehicle theft.

Judge: "This is a serious charge, young man. How do you plead to these allegations?"



*The man whispers something quietly to his lawyer*



Lawyer: Are... Are you sure?



Man: Yes, absolutely.



Lawyer: "Your honor, the defendant would like to ple...

A priest, a thief, and an engineer were all waiting in line to be executed by guillotine during the French revolution.

The priest was to be the first to meet his fate. As he stepped onto the platform the executioner asked him "Father, would you like to meet your maker face up or face down?"

After thinking about it for a moment, the priest answered "My son, if today is to be my last day, then I wish to go face...

Did you hear about Legolas' murder trial?

He was innocent. Turns out it was elf defense.

I don't understand why everyone is upset about the Russian vaccine nothaving a thirdclinical trial.

I was under the impression that giving it to millions of Russian citizens is the trial.

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The results of a 3-year trial for a drug that prevents diabetes are in.

A scientist walks into his boss's office to brief him on the results.

"How did you conduct this study?" asked the boss,

"We gave a group of 300 participants our drug, at 3 doses a day, and another 300 a placebo. We then found the number of people in each group who had diabetes." replie...

It is in the news today that Florida is having its first remote trial via zoom

It’s looking like things will be settled out of court

Thoughtful Drug dealer.

A man gets pulled over by a police officer, and the cop pulls him out of the car and asks "Do you have anything I should know about before I look in there?". The guy shrugs his shoulders and the cop begins looking in the car. He pops the trunk and finds a kilo of coke. He holds it up and turns back ...

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I was put on trial for murder

They had very little evidence that I did it

The judge said that I was a piece of shit.

I told him that if we are what we eat then I was not a piece of shit but that I was a human being like him and everyone else

I’d like cancel my subscription to 2022

I’ve experienced the 7 day trial and am not interested

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Out for a hike one day...

A man climbed to the highest point in his town for some sightseeing.

As he appreciated the view through his binoculars, he looked down and gazed upon the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen sunbathing nude in the valley.

A park ranger appeared and immediately placed him under arrest....

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A man from the mountainous country of Georgia is on trial for murder

Judge: Defendant, what was your motive for killing the victim?

Georgian man: So, I leave home for store, right? But as I walk down the street, I go, 'Vaivaivai, [slams forehead] Gogi, you forgot your wallet!'

So I go back, but right before I come in, I look through the window, and ...

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A defendant was on trial for murder.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating his guilt, but there was no corpse. In his closing statement, the defense attorney resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” he said. “I have a surprise for you all—within one minute, the person presumed dead wi...

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

A cannibal is on trial for murder and cannibalism...

He's called up to the witness stand and the prosecutor asks him if he pleads guilty or innocent.
"Innocent!" he says.
The prosecutor asks him to prove it.
The cannibal answers, "Well, you are what you eat, right? So I am an innocent man!"

A defense Lawyer was cross-examining a police officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who pr...

A man is on trial for murder.

The judge asks him to give his version of the story, and how he pleads.

The defendant replies: "Innocent, your honor. I am not sure what exactly happened myself, I was sitting on a park bench, enjoying the nice weather, peeling an apple with my pocket knife, when suddenly this guy trips on th...

What idiot decided to call it “randomized clinical trial with placebo”

And not “trick or treatment”

I just got to know that my wife cheated on me with all the jury members of my trial

Can't blame her though, it was a hung jury

Out of town trial

A lawyer tries a case out of town, accompanied by his corporate client. After the case is given to the jury, the lawyer and his client wait for the verdict, which doesn't come in for days. After the second day, the lawyer the tells his client to go home, and he'll let him know as soon as the verdict...

Have you heard about the Roman cannibalism trial?

They asked the defendant if he was sorry for his crimes. He said no, he was gladiator.

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could h...

I just realized when you turn 18 your government free trial has ended...

you can terminate your contract but it voids all other assigning contacts permanently.

At my trial the judge asked me how i justified using force to get women to sleep with me...

Apparently "Because I'm a Jedi" wasn't a good enough excuse

A skunk walks into a courtroom in the middle of a trial.

The judge immediately shouts, "ODOUR IN THE COURT!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse is on trial for the murder of Minnie Mouse

The judge asks to clarify, "The report here says your motive for killing her is for being too silly?"

"No your honor, she was fucking Goofy"

A man is up in court on a tricky litigation case, and his lawyer has warned him that the judge is very strict and correct. “He won’t stand for any nonsense and he knows all the tricks!”

“Well, would it help if I sent him a brace of grouse and a bottle of whisky?”

“Absolutely not!” says the lawyer. “He’s as straight as a die and completely in-corruptable!”

Come the day of the trial, the man wins his case easily, and afterwards says to his lawyer, “I knew that whisky an...

My wife said "Am I a trial to you?" and of course I said no.

Because to be honest it's more like a sentence.

(OC) A man is on trial for sleeping with his sister.

The prosecutor feels it should be an airtight case and tries as hard as he can to organize enough damning evidence as possible to put the perv away for a long time. The trial begins and it is obviously a disturbing proceeding, but there is a shadow of a doubt to whether the man is guilty or innocent...

Democrats have won the debates over the GOP for how the impeachment trial will proceed.

Dems the rules

How do you ensure a dock gets a fair trial?

Have it decided by a jury of his piers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the sex offender represent himself at his trial?

Because he thought he could get himself off.

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