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(NSFW) How does the porn industry battle incest?

Step by step

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He’s now a seasoned veteran

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

I once got in a rap battle with a peanut.

He was roasted.

Have you heard about the lobster that rode a sea mammal into battle?

He did it on Porpoise.

A little boy was at the centre of a custody battle.

The judge says to him, do you want to stay with your Father? Boy replies no he beats me, so the judge asks do you want to stay with your Mother? again the boy says, no she beats me as well. So the judge asks, so who do you want to stay with then?

Boy replies: Manchester United, they don't bea...

What did the Hobbits scream as they were riding the Ents into battle against Isengard?

Run, Forest, run!

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I was once part of a 10v1. It was a hard-fought battle

We eventually managed to beat down that fucker.

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Battle Royals is like sex

I don’t last that long

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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.<...

Did you hear about the female rapper, who only battled when she was on her period?

They said she had a mean flow.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuab...

leaf blowers are dangerous in battle

i hear they’re leaf-al

Two groups of warriors are facing each other beafore a battle

Wanting to intimidate their foes, a swordsman takes out his handkerchief, throws it up into the air and deftly slices it into ribbons before it hits the ground.

Not wanting to be outdone, his opponent also takes out his handkerchief and throws it up in the air. The handkerchief flutters down...

What do you call a soldier who is nervous in battle and wields a long weapon?

Shakespeare

I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armour....

Actually it's probably more of a Knight Mare

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar...

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

King Arthur returns home after a long battle and begins to suspect Gwendolyn has been unfaithful.

He orders his most trusted advisor, The Count, to see him.
King: Count, I want you to tell me if my wife has been faithful.
Count: I'm sorry your majesty, I'm sworn to secrecy.
King: What?! You swore an oath to me! Now tell me what has my wife been up to?
Count: I'm sorry your ...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

What did people call the knight who lost his foreskin during a battle?

Sir. Cumcision

What do you call a rap battle event between lizards?

A reptile diss function.

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One day the Emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

What is the rarest gun in a battle royale game

The gun you want.

Thanos came to Earth in 2023

seeking the six Infinity Stones. As he sat on a rock, waiting for his underlings to bring the Stones to him, three strange men arrived in front of him, seemingly out of nowhere. One wore a red cape, another bore a red shield, the third was clad in a red suit. They fought, and it was a bloody battle,...

A group of proud warriors walk into a bar shortly after a victory in battle.

One warrior began to boast of his skills,

" ... and I took my sword to one hundred men's necks "

There was an applause and awe set in at the bar.
Another warrior from the battle came fourth and started,

"This battle, I crushed the spines of 200 men!!!"

Again the cro...

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When my parents got divorced I remember the seemingly endless custody battle they had over me.

I can still hear the fighting in my head.

Mom: You take him!

Dad: I don't want that little shit he's your problem.

There was a battle between a fork and a spoon at a kid’s birthday party.

The fork won, it was a piece of cake.

Happy cake day to me I guess

Once there were three kingdoms

So once there were 3 kingdoms, each controlled an equal share of land with a small island on a lake at the centre of them. Always there was fighting over who would control the island, as it was a veritable paradise and each King wanted it for himself as a place to relax away from royal life.

...

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What do a Retired Plumber and a Battle Hardened Soldier have in common?

You don't know what shit they've been through.

Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, “bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.”

From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes “bang bang”

This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.

A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. “Hey Muhammad! You run out of a...

Why do Norwegian battle ships have a barcode on the side?

So when they get back to port, they can

*Scandinavian*

A pony just won my town's battle of the bands.

He was a rockin' horse.

cruise ship, war ship, sail ship, cargo ship, battle ship, tanker ship, icebreaker ship

all kind of ship have made their trip to Liverpool

all except Premiership

Wife called me up

- “what are you doing hon?”

- “in the middle of an epic boss battle”

- “cool. What game are you playing?”

- “Game? I’m in the middle of my performance review at work”

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.

The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and ever...

Katie Price and Peter Andre are in a custody battle for Harvey

Eventually one of them will lose, and have to keep him

If a redneck dies in battle....

Does he go to y'allhalla?

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My dad was a WWII veteran.

During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis.

Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Why did the folk singer bring a notebook to battle of the bands?

He heard that paper beats rock.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him...

You know what they call Fortnite in America?

They call it a quarter battle with cheese.

What do you call a rap battle between 21 savage and Six-Nine?

Alien vs predator

People really misuse the word 'chivalry'

They think its politeness towards women. It's actually not. I looked it up online, and only some of it is about respect and politeness. The rest of it is about medieval battle etiquette.


The other day I didn't hold the door for a woman. She proceeded to say,"I guess chivalry's dead". So,...

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Once, there was a French battle pilot, named Jean-Pierre

(I recommend reading the joke in a heavy French accent)

After the war, Jean-Pierre returned to live in Paris, above a local pub.

One night, he noticed a gorgeous blonde Parisian and went to flirt with her, which went well.

After a while of flirting, the blonde told Jean-Pierre,...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.

The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English la...

Totos is wondering why he failed the test since he answered all questions correct:

1. In which battle did Leonidas die?

\- His last one.



2. Where did the Declaration of Independence was signed?

\- At the bottom of the page.



3. If you throw a stone in the lake, what will happen?

\- It will get wet.



4. How can some...

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What's another name for the Battle Bus

Virgin Airlines

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are engaged in a light saber battle...

...when suddenly Darth grabs Luke by the tunic and pulls him close. "Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas", he says to the young Jedi.

"How? How could you possibly know what I am getting for Christmas?" Luke says skeptically.

Vader replies: "Because, I felt your presents."

An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.

The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".

The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"

She replies, "Would you be OK ...

In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .

It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

I once met a soldier who had never lost a battle.

It was considered impolite to mention that he had never actually fought a battle, either.

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

I want to improve this whole Battle Royale craze

I want it to be Battle Royale with cheese

So, in "Infinity War"...

Doctor Strange is in battle with Thanos. He sees all the future scenarios that are possible. He lets Thanos get the infinity gauntlet, allowing the deaths of half the universe. He never tells anyone what exactly he saw. The other Avengers saw this as being an incredibly cruel decision to make.
...

What did the protons yell as they rushed into battle?

*CHARGE!*

Ahoy Matey!

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak ...

A cowboy is captured by natives after a long battle.

The cowboy fought so valiantly that the natives decided to give him 3 final requests.

The cowboy is delighted and says for his first request, he wants to talk to his horse. He walks up to his horse, whispers something in his ear and the horse takes off running. A little while later he ret...

Did you hear about the new addition to French tanks?

A rear view camera, so they can see the battle going on.

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Mulan got her period in the midst of a battle...

Mulan was fighting in a gruesome battle when all of a sudden her period came. The blood had soaked through her pants and there was no way she could hide it.

&nbsp;

*Oh no what if my comrades find out I'm a woman? They aren't just gonna punish me, but my father and family too!* She ...

Three Americans who died in battle: a World War I soldier, a World War II soldier, and a Civil War soldier are waiting to get into heaven

Since there seems to be a massive line of people ahead of them, they decide to start chatting amongst themselves.

The WWI soldier says, "So, there I was in the trenches, fightin' that evil German overlord with ridiculous facial hair!"

The WWII soldier says, "Well, *I* was on Omaha Beac...

What does President Trump yell to get troops to withdraw from a battle?

RETWEEEEET!

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

An English fighter pilot is talking to a class after WWII

He's telling them about the Battle of Britain. He says "Well there were Fokkers to the left of us and Fokkers to the right of us..."

The Teacher interrupts him to speak to the class, "Now might be a good time," she says, "to remind the class that Fokker was a German aircraft manufacturer.
...

At my best friend's funeral service rn, I brought his favorite Beyblade to battle against mine one last time, in front of everyone.

I was hesistant to do it at first, but I just got a reaffirming note from his mom saying:


"Steven, for God's sake, just let him RIP!!!"

4 Soldiers were coming home from a huge battle

As they were walking back to their base, one of the soldiers says,

"Oh man, that was the toughest battle of our lives. 4 men against 1,000!"

One of the other soldiers says, "I know right. I can't believe we survived!"

The 3rd soldier says, "I agree with you both. That was the la...

The adventures of Farty Bart

Bart was a regular fellow, quite charming actually. But he farted often than most.


Bart has obatined that sweet sweet yes from the girl of his dream, they agreed to a date on his now girlfriend's house.


They were eating, chatting, laughing, until he had the sudden urge to fart....

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

What do you call a dispute between ice cream about their kids?

A custardy battle

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To everyone participating in the yodeling battle...

Please form an orderly, orderly, orderly queue

A Winter War joke

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the vo...

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Bancroft was an unimpressive man

he had no viable skills or accomplishments. He has always dreamed of joining the king’s army and becoming a knight but was always rejected as he was too short. He would often complain to his friend, Alcott, about his height. He would repeatedly say, “If only I was taller, I would be able to be a kni...

If it’s a Russian pun battle you want...

Soviet.

There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come.

His name was Sir Render.

A captain is about to lead his troops into battle.

"Porter," says the captain, "I want you to bring my red jacket."


"Why your red jacket, Sir?" replies the porter.


"Well, you see..." the captain explains, "I wear my red jacket into battle so that during the fight, when I get injured, my men don't see me bleed and lose morale."<...

A private ran to his General, sending a message from the front lines. He was in utter distress.

"Sir! We are outnumbered three to one, and..."

"Private! Get me my red shirt," he interrupted, "When I bleed in battle, I don't want the soldiers to be discouraged."

"Sir! You don't understand, they have battalions of heavy artillery, and their tanks are twice the..."

The Genera...

I worked out how long the Battle Royale trend is going to last

A fortnight.

Dear confederate flag supporters, you may lose the battle but

You haven’t lost the wa-Oh wait....wow that’s awkward

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EA have announced that FIFA 19 will have a Battle Royale mode

They will be introducing the $50 'Sergio Ramos' pack with release, which will allow players to break the rules without punishment to win games.





^^^^FUCK ^^^^RAMOS

What do they call the hunger games in France?

Battle royale with cheese.

Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?

He couldn't yet spit hot fire

I just lost a food battle

I guess dinner's on me!

In World War II ...

There are a few companies of soldiers in the earthworks, but the strangest by far are the troops in D-company. They actually organized themselves, from officers down to privates, based on the whims of a wildebeest they somehow keep as a pet. Naturally, everyone things this is a bit odd, and as such ...

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Some refer to the Battle of Little Bighorn as a fiasco, or even a "SNAFU"...

But I think it's best described as a "Custerfuck".

Sir, why do you ask for a red shirt before battle?

In the days when tall wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this one ship sailing during a war. That morning, the lookout shouted, “Enemy ship on the horizon.”
The captain said to his ensign, “Get me my red shirt.”
The ensign, rather bewildered by this odd request, did as his captain or...

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

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Many homosexuals went into battle in World War I.

Only a few came out

The Final Battle of Jesus and Satan

It's not well known but the final battle between Jesus and Satan is actually a computer programming battle. Armageddon arrives and the battle begins. Jesus and Satan are both tasked with the most complicated programming task ever given. This is the type of task even Linus Torvalds would declare i...

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says

"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"

The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.

The pilot...

As it was past Thanos fighting very hard with present Avengers, he was literally fighting for his future.

The battle was actually pretty..... In tense.







A polo G if repost.

How does an octopus go into battle?

Well-**armed**.

^^Not ^^sorry

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I’m not a little boy any more

On a boys birthday he says to his mother I’m not a little boy anymore, the mother nods and understands.

Well, the mother says for dinner I guess you don’t want chicken nuggets anymore.

No, no, no, says the boy but instead I can have a grown up knife and fork.

Well, the mother s...

During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle

Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.

Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?

Father: When you put money into a vendi...

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A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship...

After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
<...

In 1240 CE, the Mongols invaded Tibet

... and the Tibetan leader, Lama Sakya Pandita, marshaled all able-bodied men in Lhasa to repel the invasion. Commoners, nobility and peasants answered the summons, but Sakya's own monks hesitated. After all, they had all taken vows of nonviolence, and had not harmed so much as a fly since their i...

In and Out and Whataburger should have a rap battle

Because they have real beef.

I challenge you to a battle of wits at high noon! Do you accept?

Yes you say?! Well consider yourself mentally challenged.

Dad: at you’re age i had already killed 10 people in iraq.

Son: but dad, you were a car mechanic in iraq, you’ve never gone to a battle.
Dad: i never said i was a good mechanic.

A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.

He's polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm. Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British. He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours. The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying...

Why were there only 40,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo?

They only had 2 trucks

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