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When my parents got divorced I remember the seemingly endless custody battle they had over me.

I can still hear the fighting in my head.

Mom: You take him!

Dad: I don't want that little shit he's your problem.

A pony just won my town's battle of the bands.

He was a rockin' horse.

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar...

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, “bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.”

From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes “bang bang”

This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.

A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. “Hey Muhammad! You run out of a...

There was a battle between a fork and a spoon at a kid’s birthday party.

The fork won, it was a piece of cake.

Happy cake day to me I guess

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

What do they call the hunger games in France?

Battle royale with cheese.

Why do Norwegian battle ships have a barcode on the side?

So when they get back to port, they can

*Scandinavian*

What do you call a rap battle between 21 savage and Six-Nine?

Alien vs predator

My great grandfather fell in a battle during ww2

But he stood up

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An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.

The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English la...

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.

The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and ever...

If a redneck dies in battle....

Does he go to y'allhalla?

Humans used to ride cows and bulls into battle before horses were domesticated

It wasn't very good, they were udderly defeated

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are engaged in a light saber battle...

...when suddenly Darth grabs Luke by the tunic and pulls him close. "Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas", he says to the young Jedi.

"How? How could you possibly know what I am getting for Christmas?" Luke says skeptically.

Vader replies: "Because, I felt your presents."

What's another name for the Battle Bus

Virgin Airlines

I once met a soldier who had never lost a battle.

It was considered impolite to mention that he had never actually fought a battle, either.

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Once, there was a French battle pilot, named Jean-Pierre

(I recommend reading the joke in a heavy French accent)

After the war, Jean-Pierre returned to live in Paris, above a local pub.

One night, he noticed a gorgeous blonde Parisian and went to flirt with her, which went well.

After a while of flirting, the blonde told Jean-Pierre,...

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

I want to improve this whole Battle Royale craze

I want it to be Battle Royale with cheese

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

At my best friend's funeral service rn, I brought his favorite Beyblade to battle against mine one last time, in front of everyone.

I was hesistant to do it at first, but I just got a reaffirming note from his mom saying:


"Steven, for God's sake, just let him RIP!!!"

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .

It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!

What did the protons yell as they rushed into battle?

*CHARGE!*

4 Soldiers were coming home from a huge battle

As they were walking back to their base, one of the soldiers says,

"Oh man, that was the toughest battle of our lives. 4 men against 1,000!"

One of the other soldiers says, "I know right. I can't believe we survived!"

The 3rd soldier says, "I agree with you both. That was the la...

There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come.

His name was Sir Render.

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Mulan got her period in the midst of a battle...

Mulan was fighting in a gruesome battle when all of a sudden her period came. The blood had soaked through her pants and there was no way she could hide it.

 

*Oh no what if my comrades find out I'm a woman? They aren't just gonna punish me, but my father and family too!* She ...

An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.

The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".

The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"

She replies, "Would you be OK ...

Dear confederate flag supporters, you may lose the battle but

You haven’t lost the wa-Oh wait....wow that’s awkward

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stands in the back of the room and listens to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explains the...

I just lost a food battle

I guess dinner's on me!

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To everyone participating in the yodeling battle...

Please form an orderly, orderly, orderly queue

Three Americans who died in battle: a World War I soldier, a World War II soldier, and a Civil War soldier are waiting to get into heaven

Since there seems to be a massive line of people ahead of them, they decide to start chatting amongst themselves.

The WWI soldier says, "So, there I was in the trenches, fightin' that evil German overlord with ridiculous facial hair!"

The WWII soldier says, "Well, *I* was on Omaha Beac...

I worked out how long the Battle Royale trend is going to last

A fortnight.

What is it called when two Rappers Get in a Rap Battle in Beijing?

Beijing Beef

Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?

He couldn't yet spit hot fire

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

EA have announced that FIFA 19 will have a Battle Royale mode

They will be introducing the $50 'Sergio Ramos' pack with release, which will allow players to break the rules without punishment to win games.





^^^^FUCK ^^^^RAMOS

What does President Trump yell to get troops to withdraw from a battle?

RETWEEEEET!

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

A cowboy is captured by natives after a long battle.

The cowboy fought so valiantly that the natives decided to give him 3 final requests.

The cowboy is delighted and says for his first request, he wants to talk to his horse. He walks up to his horse, whispers something in his ear and the horse takes off running. A little while later he ret...

If it’s a Russian pun battle you want...

Soviet.

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Some refer to the Battle of Little Bighorn as a fiasco, or even a "SNAFU"...

But I think it's best described as a "Custerfuck".

A captain is about to lead his troops into battle.

"Porter," says the captain, "I want you to bring my red jacket."


"Why your red jacket, Sir?" replies the porter.


"Well, you see..." the captain explains, "I wear my red jacket into battle so that during the fight, when I get injured, my men don't see me bleed and lose morale."<...

What happened to the Knight who lost his legs in battle?

He was de-feeted

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Many homosexuals went into battle in World War I.

Only a few came out

where do the French go during a battle?

An all inclusive Retreat

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as t...

Why did the rebels lose at the hoth battle?

The terrain was inhothpitable.

The Final Battle of Jesus and Satan

It's not well known but the final battle between Jesus and Satan is actually a computer programming battle. Armageddon arrives and the battle begins. Jesus and Satan are both tasked with the most complicated programming task ever given. This is the type of task even Linus Torvalds would declare i...

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says

"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"

The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.

The pilot...

How does an octopus go into battle?

Well-**armed**.

^^Not ^^sorry

Sir, why do you ask for a red shirt before battle?

In the days when tall wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this one ship sailing during a war. That morning, the lookout shouted, “Enemy ship on the horizon.”
The captain said to his ensign, “Get me my red shirt.”
The ensign, rather bewildered by this odd request, did as his captain or...

How did the cancer patient battle mesothelioma?

Asbestos he could!

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

Which knight never won a battle?

Sir Render

A comedian and his friend are having a Tetris battle.

But the comedian lost because he only had one liners.

What are battles between birds called?

Poultry Slam

Why french tanks have rear view mirror

If they don't have some, they can't see what's going on on the battlefield.

Military joke

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the...

I challenge you to a battle of wits at high noon! Do you accept?

Yes you say?! Well consider yourself mentally challenged.

During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle

Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.

Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?

Father: When you put money into a vendi...

Why don't people with foot fetishes mind being on the losing side of a battle?

They like the taste of defeat

From: "Mike of Yahoo News" A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates

A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates where he was met by St. Peter. He immediately demanded his 72 Virgins, which was promised to all fighters who die fighting infidels. Suddenly out of a cloud strode George Washington who walked up to him and gave him a huge...

Why were there only 40,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo?

They only had 2 trucks

A Winter War joke

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the vo...

What do you call two Irish people in an insult battle?

Roasted potatoes

In the 1700's it was common to ring a bell to gather trooos for battle.

Bell maker John Pass was once commissioned to cast a new "clapper" (the swinging part inside the bell) for the town bell.

John had heard through the grapevine that the men of his town would soon be called upon to fight a battle in a neighboring state.

As a retired military strategist, ...

(Star Wars) Why was the Battle Droid not invited to the LGBTQ party?

He was CISgendered

"Say, medic", says a soldier, "why do you always have to say 'I cannot wait'? Is that your battle cry or something?"

"If I could wait, I would not be medic.
I would be patient!"

Little boy in custody battle.

Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the ju...

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

There is going to be a battle royal between religious leaders

I would put $20 on the Dalai Lama if I were a Tibetan man.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Italian man and a six sided polygon finally file for divorce...

His main reason for the unhappy marriage you ask? Court records show that he stated in a brutal custody battle for his children it was, and I quote, "because a da sexagon"

An admiral is going to battle...

An admiral is going to battle, he meets with his most trusted man and asks how many enemy ships he can see in the horizon
The man replies "sir, i see 2 ships in the distance"
The admiral then tells him to bring him his red coat so that his sailors couldn't see his blood during the battle
Th...

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A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship...

After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
<...

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Yo' Mama Jokes Battle!

I'll start!
Yo' Mama is so skanky, her dildo came with jumper cables.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle?

No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor.

Did you hear about the battery who deserted his unit in battle?

He was dishonorably discharged.

I'll show myself out now.

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One day, the emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

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u/GallowBoob and u/Pepsi_next have a rap battle

Pepsi_next wins. His riposte-game is better.

Why can’t the Infiniti car company trademark ∞ ?

Because the legal battle would be endless.