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Crusade Jokes

Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,

"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his horse. He gallops toward th...

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Shaving your and going on a crusade are rather similar.

All you need to be successful is a sharp blade and unwavering faith.

A Crusader Walks Into A Bar

The bartender walks up and asks him "What will you take?"

Crusader: "JERUSALEM"

(long) All the knights in the Kingdom we're leaving for the Crusade.

One knight told his trusty servant,

"My bride is the most beautiful woman in the country. If I die, I do not want such beauty to be wasted. So I'm leaving you the key to her chastity belt to be used if I do not return from my journey."

The knights had only gone a short distance when...

AD 1147, A king decides to join other monarchs on Crusade in the Holy Land

He readies his army and appoints a regent to rule in his absence, then consults with his chamberlain to put his personal affairs in order.
"Most importantly, he concluded, I entrust you with this." handing the chamberlain a small bronze key. "If I should fall in battle you must give this to the ...

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

A man decided to march in the holy crusades...

Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”

So, the husband leaves on horseback and abo...

What do you call a Crusader that smokes weed?

A *High* Templar

Leaving for the Crusades...

*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my ...

What's a difference between a crusade and a homicide

In one, you murder for a book and in other you are booked for a murder.

Where did the Crusaders keep their belongings?

In a Deus Vault.

Why do Crusaders need kitchen sinks?

To wash their Saladin.

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A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have with her, their gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

If King Arthur were to fight in the Crusades, where would he get desert-loving steeds?

At the Camelot!

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Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

In the Middle East during the Crusades, what was the best way to describe someone?

By taking all of their books, parchment and pencils and burning them in a bonfire

What's your favorite indie film?

Mine is The Last Crusade

Batman bought a French restaurant

"The Creped Crusader"

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A Knight, a Samurai, and a Viking are lost in a desert.

They see someone in the distance, and as they draw closer, they realise it's a buck naked woman in a crusader's helmet with a samurai sword on her back.

The knight exclaims, "Look at her helm. Surely she is of my people! "

The samurai says "Nay! See the sword. She is obviously from Ja...

Chastity belt

During the crusades a knight was about to leave for the holy land , but he was worried about his wife. He wanted to ensure her faithfulness till his return. So he had a chastity belt made and tied it around his wife, as he was about to leave he thought , that what if he loses the key in the confusio...

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Harry the horse

Once upon a time, in a quaint little village nestled between rolling green hills, there lived a horse named Harry. Now, Harry was no ordinary horse; he possessed an uncanny ability to make the most mundane situations utterly hilarious. His knack for comedy made him the talk of the town, and villager...

Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman...

Join the crusades and have been caught in the Bazaars of Constantinople by the Saracen Army. Dodging in between the shops they spy an alleyway and dash down it. Seeing its a dead end they look for a place to hide. They notice three large wicker baskets they all jump in one and with baited breath wai...

A man was walking down the beach when...

A man was walking down the beach when he came across God watching the sunset.

Man: Are you really god?

God: I am.

Man: Do you have a task for me lord?

God: No, I don't do that anymore. I gave a man a task once and he turned it into a crusade and visited suffering on his ...
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