(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

A senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him

He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift end...

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

When your canals don't work like they used to before, And I can't sweep past by your fleet, Will your cargo still remember the haste that I drove? Will your passage be blocked up for weeks?

'Cause, honey, your hull will always go slow, it's evergreen.



\~Capt. Ed Sheeran

The mail truck just drove by. I always feel so sorry for those guys.

Roaming the streets every day, endlessly searching for female trucks they're never going to find.

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

Did u hear about the Mexican who drove his Audi into a lake?

Quattro Sinko...

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" 

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbl...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

This priest decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An...

I drove home drunk last night..

..to find my girlfriend waiting at the door.
She yelled “Why are you driving half drunk?”
I said, “I’m sorry, I ran out of money”

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...he’s really a big lyre.

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”



The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

I drove my friends to the pub without a license.

If I'm honest, I don't know how they're still open.

John's engine kept rattling and making loud noises whenever he drove.

He sent it to the mechanic. The mechanic took a quick look at the engine and marked an "X" on the chassis with a chalk. He then gave it a swift kick and the noise stopped immediately. He then handed John a bill for 200 dollars.

John felt the bill was too hefty for such a quick job like that s...

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

A geologist was driving down a country road

A geologist was driving down a country road when he saw this beautiful rock formation. He pulled over to get a closer look. As he was admiring the rock, an old farmer drove up. The geologist asked if he knew how long the rock had been here.

The farmer says "in fact, I do! It's a million and ...

I bought a 2nd hand car

I bought a 2nd hand car from a dodgy garage and when i drove it i couldn't hear a thing.
Apparently I'd bought a deaf trap.

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A man orders a taxi late at night

He tells the driver where to go and the ride is pretty quiet. The man is not much for small talk and just stares out the window. They are cruising on the freeway when he notices that they missed the exit. "Doesn't matter" he thinks "It's a little around but faster on the freeway" but then he sees th...

What did St. Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

"You all ok in the back there?"

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappear...

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

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Tales from the front line

Back in my Army days (mid 80s) we were on a winter training exercise with the medical battalion. Our platoon was assigned the job of being casualties for the treatment company.

They assigned us our roles told us what injuries we were supposed to have sustained then dispatched us out in the Bu...

My wife and I drove past a farm on our getaway to the country.

I said to her look there, you see that cow? You see that pig? Remind you of any of your relatives?

She said “Yeah, my in-laws.”

I drove to the local garage to fill my car up...

I noticed 2 police were watching a woman who was smoking while filling her car up. I thought, is she stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there?!

I minded my own business filled my car up and went inside to pay.

As I was paying for my fuel, I heard someone...

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Last night for Fathers Day I drove home from college to have dinner with my dad...

He asked me if I had chosen a major and I said yes, that I'm learning about agriculture and domestic animal husbandry.

"Have they taught you about roosters yet?"

Actually, yes, it came up in my poultry farming class.

"How many legs does a black rooster have?"

Two, I answe...

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

People are selling off their automobiles in droves...

They don’t want to catch that car owner virus.

A lorry carrying 300kg of strawberries crashed into a lorry carrying 50kg of sugar.

Instead of helping clear up the accident cars drove through the mess and the jam was getting thicker!

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An armed gang intercepted and drove away a truckload of viagra pills.

Police are on the hunt for hardened criminals..

I looked at my friends browser history and saw that he searched 'How to kill myself'

I still don't know what drove him to the Edge

Car made out of spaghetti

I told my neibourgh I had made a car out of spaghetti she said don't be rediculous, well she got a shock next day when I drove pasta

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A Canadian drove into the US in hopes of visiting Orange County.

He stopped at the first gas station he saw and asked the attendant for directions.

“Orange County?!” exclaimed the attendant. “You’re in fucking New York! Get out of my station, you crazy son of a bitch.”

The Canadian left, puzzled by the attendant’s impoliteness. He decided to drive ...

I drove past a special need school with a sign outside saying "Slow Children"

That can't be helping their self-esteem









Then again they can't read it

Drove an hour to pick up a woman for a date...

...she can’t drive, doesn’t have a job, and is failing college.

So yes...she’s attractive.

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss "The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, Under The Big Top, in the Centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member...

A man drove by an asylum and got a flat tire...

As he begins to change the tire, he sees a man in a window watching him from the insane asylum.

Nervous as he changes his tire, he drops the lugnuts down the sewer drain.

Now he's stuck on what to do

The patient in the window yells down at the man.
"Hey! ...hey! Up here! T...

3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...

1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".

2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5...

Ending it all

Brad was sick of the World, of Covid-19, those who hate China, global warming, species extinction, racial tension and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his ...

Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive...

Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive.
Neither of them could really see too much over the dashboard.

When they came to an intersection, the light was red yet they kept on cruising through. The passenger thought to herself, "I feel like I'm losing it, but I swear we just drove th...

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it.

“For I do not speak of my own accord.”

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.

Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pu...

I tried to build a car out of spaghetti, my wife lost her temper and said it would never work and threatened to leave me, anyway, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta. After a while my obsession got the better of me and she walked out..

Now I’m feeling cannelloni.

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy ...

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The horse and the rooster

So a horse and a rooster lived on a farm at the end of a dirt road. One day, the horse was walking down the road and fell into a deep mud hole. He was stuck!!! He hollered and hollered till finally the
Rooster heard him and came running. An idea struck the rooster so he ran back to the farm...

About the chicken and a donkey

On the farm lived a Chicken and a Donkey, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the Donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee-hawed' for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help!
Off the Chicken ran, back to the farm. Arri...

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank?

They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?"

The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..."

T...

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservati...

A cop pulled me over the day while out driving and said "PAPERS"

I yelled "scissors" and drove off...

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The night Lorena Bobbit severed her husband's penis, she drove a distance then tossed the 'apendage' out of her car window, striking the windshield of a vehicle driving in the opposite direction.

"Christ! Did you see the size of that bug?" To which the passenger replied, "No, but damn, it had an enormous dick!"

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When Lorena Bobbitt famously cut off her husbands wiener and drove across town with it, she decided to throw it out the car window and when she did it hit the windshield of the car behind her with 2 old ladies in it, the driver said “what kind of bug was that!?” and the passenger said,..

“I don’t know but did you see the dick on that thing?!”

A girl was throwing stones in her backyard one day

She threw one a little too hard and it came back and hit her in the eye. She ran inside yelling and crying and her parents drove her to the hospital

The doctor tells the family that her eye is going to have to be removed and she’ll need a prosthetic. The family doesn’t have a lot of money and...

A Mom and Her Daughter ...

A mom and her daughter were taking a cab across town. On the way, they drove by a couple of ladies of the night, standing on a corner, provocatively dressed and looking for business. The inquisitive little girl asked, “Mom, what are those ladies doing there?” The mom replied, “They’re waiting for a ...

I drove by the Taco Bell drive-thru last night and it was empty.

Then I realized everyone is out of toilet paper!

Did you hear about the car that drove through the party?

It was quite a Fiesta

When I was a kid my grandpa asked me when we drove past a cemetery “do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery?”, of course i said nope. Then he said

All of them!

I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning.

I'm getting rather good at golf

Drove past the Chevron station on the way home tonight, without stopping.

You might say we passed gas.

East Texas Roadside Safety

There was this-here feller from East Texas who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers. He proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car ...

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route:

No problems for the first few stops.
A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.

Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said. "Big John...

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for a $5K loan

The loan officer requested collateral, and the man gave him the keys of the Rolls-Royce. The car was driven into the bank's underground parking and the man was given the $5K.



Two weeks later the man goes to the bank and asks to settle up his loan. The officer tells him "It will be $5...

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I saw a fellow on the street begging for change.

After two hours, he got up, walked down some quiet street and hopped into his Range Rover. I pursued him. I tapped on the window before he drove off.

"I saw what you were doing," I told him. "Taking advantage of naïve people and stealing their hard-earned money."

"Yea," he replied. "An...

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3 friends decided to drive around the city and make random people happy.

First they went to a pub and paid for everyone's drinks.

As they were leaving old man sitting alone in a booth calls for them and says "Hey, you guys really made my morning."


Next, they drove to an area with a lot of homeless people and gave every homeless person free blankets, clo...

I drove past a camp...

It was past-tents.

I drove by a truck carrying canned orange juice and almost got into an accident.

I should have concentrated on the road.

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Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.
Next minute, Nokia.

What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

How do we know the Apostles drove a Honda?

“When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one accord.”

The Casket

A man floored it in his car because he was being chased by a casket, rolling down the road at Godspeed. He drove and drove until his car ran out of gas.

The casket still chasing him and his house being a half a mile away, he ran down the street and into his house, shutting the door behind hi...

Did you hear about the time Matthew McConaughey drove backwards on a NASCAR track?

All right, all right, all right

(long) Life lessons learned on a farm.

One day, a chicken and horse were walking in a field when all of a sudden, the horse fell into a thick bed of mud. Failing to pull him out, the horse said, "Quick! Get the farmer! He'll help me!"

The chicken ran back to the farmhouse and pounded on the door, but no one answered. He dashed in...

I drove my car into a tree the other day...

I wanted to see how my Mercedes Benz.

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

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(Boyfriend) Hey babe, I was in a terrible accident at work...Denise drove me to the hospital and the doctors said I might lose my right leg.

(Girlfriend) Who the fuck is Denise?

I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.

Turns out it was a Miss Steak.

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerful...

Jesus drove a Honda, but nobody knew about it.

For I did not speak of my own accord. - John 12:49

I just drove an expensive car out of the lot only to find the reverse gear broken.

There’s no going back now.

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A Japanese tour bus drove off a cliff, and landed in a popular fishing spot

A rescue team was sent in. But all they could find were crushed Asians

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.



As they passed a barnyard of cows, goats and pigs,

the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"



"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

I drove past a billboard promoting Niagara Falls as the tallest waterfall in the world...

Turns out it was falls advertising.

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

So I drove to Alabama and there was a welcome sign

It said:

Welcome to Alabama and remember,

you can't spell cousin without sin.

Enjoy your stay!

I drove to my local church to donate cheese to their food shelf.

Jesus take the wheel.

i accidentally drove on a hipsters feet...

...now he is a hopster.

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An old married couple are reminiscing about their marriage

The husband says to the wife, "Do you remember when we first got married? Lived in that crappy little studio apartment, had that tiny black and white TV, and drove that rusty old Ford? My only consolation was getting to go to bed every night with a hot 22 year old. Now we have this huge house with a...

Have you heard about the guy who drove his S-Class into a wall?

He wanted to see how his Mercedes bends.

A Canadian cop is watching the bar after last call (Long)

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Dauphin, Manitoba.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled a...

An older gentleman bought a brand new Corvette Stingray and drove it off the lot

He then immediately went to the nearest highway. He decided he was just going to see what it could do.

He gets going up to 80 mph, then 90, then up to 100. He is getting excited when he sees a state trooper behind him, he then just panics and puts his foot to the floor, accelerating himself ...

I drove to Vegas in a $150,000 Porsche

Came home in an $800,000 bus.

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