A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

When is a car not a car anymore?

When it turns into a driveway.

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

Why does Demi Lovato's driveway have a light house beside it?

The end part of her drive home is usually pretty foggy

There was a stray cat in my driveway this morning, it meowed at me so I meowed back...

...now I'm nervous because I'm not sure what I agreed to.

My fat girlfriend demanded that for her birthday I get her something in the driveway that goes 0-200 in 5 seconds.

Apparently a scale wasn't what she was thinking.

She's single... lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window! I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!

I opened the door, she looked at me and said: “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?"  I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!" - "Great!" She said.   “Can you look after my dog...

Whats the difference between a driveway and a dead baby?

No one cares when you pull out of a driveway.

I found a nickel in the driveway but my sister kicked it away.

I'm Nicholas.

have you heard about my stupid driveway?

it was re-tarred

I don't like shoveling my driveway for snow because

He who dealt it, should melt it.

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

An Art Thief is Sitting in His Driveway...

He didn't have any Monet, to buy Degas, to make his Van Gogh.

I'm sitting here, watching snow fall onto the driveway...

It's a rerun.

What does a Pathway, an Alleyway and a Driveway all have in common.

Your mom can’t fit through any of them.

What is the difference between a driveway and a teenage girl?

Roy Moore pulls out of the driveway.

A Magician is driving down the street...

...and turns into a driveway.

If you fall outta your car in your driveway,

it's your own asphalt.

Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country?

He was Snowden.

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Father and son pull up into their home driveway...

Father says "son why don't you ever wear your seatbelt?"

Son says " it's freeing and more comfortable dad why else"

To which father casually replies " well son you should start wearing those fucking seatbealts, windshields are pretty damn expensive these days."

I fucking lost i...

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As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine.

Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

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Bob sees his new neighbor working in his driveway...

Wanting to be friendly, he walks over to the driveway where his new neighbor is repairing his car. "Hey neighbor!" he says affably.

Hearing the voice, a big shaggy dog comes running over and starts sniffing Bob's feet. "Hey," the neighbor grunts.

"I see you've got a dog! I've g...

A woman gets home, whirls her car into the driveway, runs into the house, and yells,

"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter....just get the hell out!

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

Saw some snails fighting in my driveway...

They were really slugging it out.

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I tapped my taxi driver on the shoulder and told him to pull up to the driveway ahead

He freaked the fuck out and almost jumped out of his seat like I just scared the batshit living daylight out of him.

I asked in confusion "WTF?"

He replied "Sorry, it's my first day being a taxi driver. For the past 10 years I drove a hearse"

I keep a garbage can at the end of my driveway that some guy throws trash into almost every day. It's worth it because sometimes he leaves a present in it for me.

My neighbor calls him "the male man" which is silly since he's obviously not a "female man".

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I came home one day and there were five penguins standing in my driveway. I didn't know what to do so I called a vet. His name was Willie and he was in Viet-Nam.

" Willie WTF should I do with these Penguins?" Willies says " Take them to the zoo" Good Idea. So I run into Willie downtown a couple of weeks later. " WTF are you doing with those penguins in the back of your truck, I told you to take them to the zoo?" " I did, and we had so much fun I am taki...

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Bob was in trouble

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked ...

A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Roger"

"You don't have an Uncle Roger"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do....

There's this kid who decides to scare his mother by hidings in the closet, and popping out when she grabs a shirt, when he sees her and this stranger start to make love.

But then his father drives into the driveway right before he could scare her.

"Oh no, my husband. Quick, hide in the closet."

The stranger runs into the closet without question, and the boy tries to start a conversation.

"Sure is dark in here."

"Oh my God, who are you?"...

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A mobster comes home early to find a strange car in his driveway. NSFW

He sneaks into the house and up to his bedroom where he hears his wife having sex with another guy. Furiously he leaves without interrupting them and calls his best hitman over. He tells him "I'll give you $1000 to shoot her in the head and another $1000 to shoot him in the dick." The mobster waits ...

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

A man went to his dad's house for a weekend.

For breakfast the man ate eggs,sausage, and toast. He notices there is some food specks from the dinner the night before he asks his dad "hey dad why isn't this plate clean?" his dad responds "it's the best Cold Water could get it".

Around lunch time the man is given a sandwich and chips by h...

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

I was really excited when my wife told me she was giving me a hummer for my birthday.

My excitement turned to disappointment when I saw a Hummer in the driveway.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

The Three Legged Chicken

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.
Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sp...

Why are cookies called cookies, and bacon is called bacon, but you have to bake cookies and cook bacon?

It's like that Parkway / Driveway mess up, all over again!

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At a Sunday family lunch, a daughter, good student aged 20, announces that she is pregnant.

Father drops the fork and knife in shock. Mother looks at her in total disbelief. None of them are able to say a word for couple of seconds, before yelling starts... What was she thinking about? Of course she does not plan to keep it? They invested so much in her education, how could she do this? Wh...

How do you know if you've been burglarized by Asians?

1) Your cat is missing.

2) Someone did all your math homework while you were away.

3) They are still trying to back out of your driveway when you get home.

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”



His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”



“Oh, it will,” Matt responds, “and it does.”

<...

The Red Cross knocked on the door...

of an elderly Bostonian, and asked if he could contribute towards the floods in Missouri. He replied he'd love to, but his garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.

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One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last nig...

A guy had his car stolen

In the morning, he went to report the incident, then continued to his work. He came back at night to find the car parked in his driveway, with a note: "Sorry i had to borrow your car because my wife was in labor and i had to use it to take her to emergency. Please accept my sincerest apologies and,...

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I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

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Lulu was a prostitute, but didn't want her grandmother to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her grandaughter. Grandma asked, "why are you standing in lin...

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Two Jewish boys were in a concentration camp together...

During their time there they became like brothers and when the war ended, they decided that they should live together as such. Many years go by until one of them wins the lottery.

"I can't believe you won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"

"First, I'll buy us a...

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a wagon full of dead babies?

I don’t have a Ferrari parked in my driveway

One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

What's she got that I don't?

Ol' Ed and his neighbor Ethel are both 75 years old and have lost their partners years ago. They enjoy spending time together every Friday evening rocking on Ethel's back porch swing, talking and watching the sunset. As soon as the sun goes down Ethel unzips Ed and gently holds his member in her ha...

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A woman was racing home; running stop signs and drifting around corners...

She came hauling ass into the driveway; car screeching to a hault. She ran straight into the house. Slammed the door and shouted excitedly:

"Honey, pack your bags; I just won the lottery!"

Husband came out of his office, and ran up to the banister.

"Oh my god! What should I pack...

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What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A Mink in the closet

A Jaguar in the driveway

A Tiger in the bedroom

and an Ass to pay for it all.

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Welcome Party

Joe moves onto a new property in some land near Yellowstone National Park - middle of nowhere, but beautiful.

A few days after unpacking his stuff, Joe sees a pickup truck drive up his long and winding driveway. This cowboy type gets out of the truck and extends his hand with a greeting.
<...

A Man talks to a Lawyer

A man talks to a lawyer and says "My wife wants to divorce me."

"On what grounds?" The lawyer asks.

"On any ground where she can get a judge to okay it." The man responded.

The lawyer tries again with "I mean does she have any ground for the divorce?"

"Yeah she owns half ...

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The Particular Gardener (OC)

A gardener was starting a new job on a beautiful property, its driveway lined with fir trees, peacocks roaming the grounds, and a beautiful water feature in the middle of the round drive-end in front of what could only be described as a mansion.

As he hopped out of his truck this rather elega...

Mother in law

A lady had 3 son in laws and she wanted to know who is the sincerest of them so she thought of trying them out one by one.

One day she asked the eldest one to come and help her in some errands. On the way back home she deliberately jumped into a water well and starts to drown. The eldest with...

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There once was this guy......

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.

When they got there, he a...

Is Mommy Near the Phone?

The phone rings, a little girl picks up.

“Hello?”

“Hi honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Mike.”

After a brief pause, the father says, “But honey, you haven’t got an uncle Mike.”

“Oh yes I do, he’s ups...

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A man visits a brothel

A man—a salesman to be exact—is driving along an old two lane highway. It’s the worst part of his territory, as it takes him far from home for days on end.

He misses his wife, his tv, his wife, his la-z-boy, and most of all...his wife.

His mind starts to wander as he thinks of his wi...

A frail old lady wanted to join a biker club...

She knocked on the door of a local biker club, and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.

She proclaimed proudly, "I want to join your biker club."

The man was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain requirements before she was allowed...

Dave and Joe were best friends...

Joe and his family went on vacation for about a week, but when he came back, Dave noticed that he was very different, his mood and tendencies had completely changed.

This was not the same Joe.

The smoking gun was that Joe's eyes were not his usual green, but blue.

He flew to J...

2 Rednecks are sitting on the front porch.....

They are drinking beer and talking about life.

The dog in the driveway starts licking his own balls.

One of the guys says, "Man, I wish I could do that"

*The other responds, "You try that and that dog will bite you"*

Phil got in an argument with his girlfriend two days ago.

And even though he was right she was still very upset. Because she was so mad Phil thought it would be smart to sleep on the couch. The next morning he woke up to a note on the fridge. “I’m going to be with my mother today, when I get home there had better get me something that’ll go from 0-200 in l...

An old man sees two burglars break into his garrage

He quickly calls the police and says:
"Please send a police car, there are two burglars in my garage!"

"I'm sorry sir. We don't have any available units. Please lock your doors and remain inside."

The man just says 'Okay' in a calm voice and hangs up. He waits one minute and then ca...

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A KKK member finds a magic lamp on the beach...

He rubs it and a Black genie pops out. The genie looks at the man and says "damn, this is pretty fucked up. I'll tell you what. I'll give you three wishes, but I'm also going to grant your wish to every black person in the world and double it."

"Fair enough" says the KKK member. "I wish f...

You're It!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to be it, so he closes his eyes and starts counting, “Eins, zwei, drei…” Pascal runs off and hides under a big bush. Newton runs over to a nearby driveway, takes out some chalk, and draws a box around him that is one meter ...

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There was a man from New York that was driving his rig through the Midwest

It was about 1:00 am, and he was very tired, for he had been driving all day, so he tried to find a place to stop. He was in the middle of nowhere, and there were no motels, rest stops, or truck stops.
After what seemed like hours and hours of combing the road, he finds an abandoned house. It was...

A man and his wife get a divorce.

She lays claim to half of his things, so one afternoon he’s going through the last of their stuff in the attic. He separates what she wants and what he’ll take when he comes upon something she hadn’t mentioned. A small lamp. He picks it up, dusts it off and a genie pops out of it.
“You get three...

The Pepper Farm

A man was driving through the countryside when he happened upon a sprawling farm, covered as far as the eye could see in brightly colored variants of peppers. Astounded at the vastness and variety, the man turned up the driveway and made his way to the pepper stand where stood an older woman, presum...

The Ladder

On my way back from work, I stop the car in the driveway and see my neighbor doing something quite strange.
Going up and down a ladder against the side of his garage, he seemed to be having some trouble with a tape measure.
It looked like he was trying to measure the ladder itself, though I th...

Two men are talking at a bar...

The first man says to the second “I can never seem to sneak past my wife, when I get home from the bar she always yells at me”.
The second man asks “well, what do you do when you leave for home?”.
The first man replies “ when I get home, I turn the engine off and cruise into the driveway, I sl...

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A man goes out for cigarettes

After an uneventful dinner with his wife, a man realizes he's out of cigarettes and decides to stop at his local bar for a pack. The bartender says they just started selling a new micro brew and offers him one on the house, so he decides to stay for one drink.

When he's just about finish...

The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is grou...

I never thought I would turn into my dad...

...until I pulled into my driveway and ran over him.

How do you know if you have been robbed by an Asian?

Your rice is gone.

Your homework is done.

Your computer is fixed.

And he is still backing out of the driveway....

How can you tell that a Chinese person has been in your house?

Your cat's missing, your computer's fixed, and he's still trying to back out of the driveway.

When a family's lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, the wife kept hinting to the husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow, he always had something else to take care of first - the shed, the boat, making beer...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When the husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. The husband watched silently for a minute, went into the house and came out again with a toothbrush. ...

Two thieves are rooting through a farmer's shed

The farmer sneaks up on the shed and locks the door from the outside trapping the two thieves inside. So he calls the OPP (Ontario Provincial Police) and tells them he has the two thieves locked in his shed and to come and arrest them. The dispatch says that they are really busy and will get there...

The Fantastic Pig

John is travelling one day and sees a sign on the side of the road saying, "30 miles until the fantastic pig." He is curious but doesn't think anymore of it until he sees another sign 10 miles up the road declaring the fantastic pig only 20 miles away. This continues up until 5 miles away from the s...

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A wimpy-looking fellow is sitting in the corner of the bar, all by himself, staring at a beer instead of drinking it...

An hour passes, and Bubba, the local bully decides to mess with him. He walks up, grabs the man's glass and downs it in a few gulps. He slams the glass down and says, "There! That's how a man drinks a goddamn beer, you fucking pussy!"

The little guy looks up at him in horror, and then busts ...

Did you hear about the magician’s commute from work

When he got home, he turned into his driveway!

What did the mechanic do when...

What did the mechanic do when he was with his GF and her parents car pulls into the driveway?

He nutted and bolted.

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A man was cleaning out the basement of the house his grandfather left him...

...when he came across an old metal oil lamp. The man starts wiping it off with his shirt when two genies emerge from the lamp.

"Holy shit!" the guy exclaims.

"We are the genies of the lamp. We have been stuck inside that lamp for decades, and you have freed us. We will grant you three...

A woman goes into labour and her husband takes her to the hospital.

As she is laying in the hospital bed, the nurse tells her of a new type of technology that allows a percentage of her pain to be passed to the father of the child. They both agree, so start on 10% to be transferred.

However, the husband says he can feel nothing, and is willing for it to be tu...

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A farmer's three virgin daughters are all going on their first date...

Farmer brown loves his daughters dearly, and is fiercely protective of them. So when they all ended up going on their first dates all on the same night, you might say he was a bit angry.

The farmer agreed, but only if he could meet each potential suitor at the door with his shotgun at his sid...

Had a house party last night

...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house &...

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A man moves to the middle of nowhere...

A man buys some land in Wyoming so he can be alone. One day he is working on his house whenever he sees the dust from a truck coming down his long driveway. Finally the truck pulls in, and a man gets out. "I thought I'd welcome you to the area," says the guy from the truck. "I figured since you're n...

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The South American Cocksucking Iguana

A man is having problems with his wife. She's constantly nagging at him and he always seems to be in the dog house.


After a particularly big fight, he begins to drive around aimlessly. He passes a pet store and is seized by a brilliant idea. He'll get a pet for his wife! Maybe it will mak...

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