UPJOKE
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Power Jokes

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

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Nuclear power is like anal sex

If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it's considered taboo.

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

[First Date] Her: I’m usually attracted to men with power.

Me: That’s great, I always pay my electric bill on time.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing.

Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers.

She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

What is the best power tool to love?

A Sawzall. Because it will reciprocate.

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?

To get to the other slide.

I need a power strip to plug stuff into.

Should I go an Outlet Mall?

Breaking News: Local man hit his wife with a power cell which had its top and bottom coated in electrolytes

He has been arrested for a salt-end battery.

Pick a super power

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and starts chatting the bartender up. "If you could have any superpower which one would you want?" he asks the bartender. "Cold war Russia, I guess," the bartender replies.

Did you guys hear about the nun with super powers?

When she flies over, people say:

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"It's Superman!"

"No! It's Nun of the Above!"

Russia is the second most powerful military nation

... in Ukraine.




(Just thought about it, sorry if it's not OC)

I always wanted a super power, so I named my son Tran

I can’t quite turn invisible, but at least I’m transparent

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking: “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

They say a bad PowerPoint presentation reduces your lifespan by 30 minutes ...

Going by that metric, I've been dead since 1909.

what do you call a Nun with Jedi powers?

A force of habit

Batman's suit ran out of battery power.

Batman: I need a battery

Robin: What's a tery?

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

The power cut in my building was fixed immediately by the electrician

I couldn't hold a candle to his efficiency

My daughter told me that she now believes in the power of rocks

I thought that she became spiritual,
Turns out she just started smoking Crack

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

What do you call a wacky hydroelectric power plant?

Dam that's crazy

Even at school they thought I had special powers; what was the phrase…

‘Constant super-vision.’

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?"

I said, "America."

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

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Who did Hitler plan to install as commander of the Indonesian air force if they agreed to join the Axis powers?

Hermann Goreng

What was the radioactive senior citizen's super power?

*Gramma Rays*

Power of Christ

Heard this one earlier and thought it was pretty good. I think it’s probably a repost so I’m sorry.

A priest was driving along a road a bit rashly while drunk. He’s got the bottle in the passenger seat. Eventually, a cop tails him and pulls him over.

Cop: “Hey Father, how’s it going?”<...

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the c...

Jesus, at the Last Supper: "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine..."

"Seriously, don't cross me."

A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"

"Yes, there was"

answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.

"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"

"Yes, absolutely"

answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.

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What did Hitler do to gain power in Germany?

He Brat out the Wurst in people.

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I wish I had the sexual power of snow.

People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.

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Listened to the new [insert shitty band] album while working out and it really inspired me to power through the sets.

So I could turn it off faster. [OC]

In Greek Mythology, the Gorgon sisters Stheno, Euryale, and Medusa had the power to turn anyone who looked at them into stone.

But few people know that there was a fourth Gorgon sister named Zola.

She had the power to turn her enemies into cheese.

I just invented a way of powering the earth off of toddlers

Mine produces about 1000 what are's every day.

I was sitting in the courtroom the other day and my phone started to die. Luckily I brought my mobile power bank.

Anyways, I was charged with battery.

I bought a great power saw two years ago. I can't wait to use it.

The owner's manual said *Warning: Do not use this tool until you read and understand the entire instruction manual!*

But half of it is in Chinese! I'm getting there.

Because gas prices are so high I invented a car powered by talking.

However, being a man of few words, I quickly got tired of talking in order to get anywhere so I modified the car to run on thoughts alone. I'm very happy with the results because, well, it goes without saying.

A nuclear power plant worker…

A nuclear power plant worker sees his coworker with a fishing rod and line in the reactor.

“How’s the fission, John?”

Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.

Returned a sander.

Why don't transphobes like PowerPoint?

Because they're afraid of transitions.

Which photoshop program does austin powers use?

Ado...oh, behave. Yeah, baby!


gotcha :)

Did you hear about the guy who got bitten by a radioactive pig and gained super-pig powers?

His name was Peter Porker.

What do you say when hydroelectric power fails?

"Dam, I guess that didn't work!"

Once upon a time my dad gave me some money and told me to pay our power bill. However, I didn't pay it and instead spent all the money on a raffle where a new car was the prize. The very next day there was a brand new car in front of our house.

The car belonged to the electricians who came to cut our power off.

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village....

As a repair man, I once installed a motor too powerful in a moving stairway.

It escalated very quickly.

“You’re a unit of power Harry”

“I’m a Watt?”

With climate change coming, economists predict that Canada will soon be the most powerful country in the world.

And then you all will be sorry.

I just found my old Nokia and connected it with my power bank.

The power bank is now fully charged again.

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What Power Level does Goku use in the bathroom?

he goes Pooper Saiyan

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

I have powerful mind control abilities

I can, over unlimited distances, make people experience the feeling of my choice.

I'm using it on you right now.

I am making you feel...

I am making you feel...



Skeptical!

With great power......

comes great electricity bills

Q: What do you call a laptop that belts out power ballads?

A: A *Dell*!

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I can't stand people who always hold the power button for 5 seconds

It's just a major turn off.

doctor: you've been bitten by a radioactive shark me: so i'm gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs...

me: just like a shark.

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Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

Why don't Americans call inordinately powerful and corrupt people oligarchs?

Habits are hard to break, and we've always called them congresspeople.

They say the James Webb Telescope is so powerful that it can see back in time

But can it see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

What do you call spiderman after he lost his powers, but still jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour

Why is the ocean so powerful?

Because it has lots of mussels.

Has heard about the new vehicle powered by urine?

Apparently you can't get it there, as only European models are available

Scientists have created the world’s smallest battery, which is the size of a grain of dust but capable of powering a computer

Its design is based on a swiss roll, meaning the creators hope it'll become more popular once they work out how to make a chocolate version.

What did the paramedic said to the badly injured power ranger?

It is morphine time!

My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom

It was just pictures of me

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The power suddenly went out and got dark while I was on the toilet

I couldn't see shit.

Did you hear about the child with psychic powers? Apparently he's on the run from the police.

He's a small medium at large.

What did the drug addicted power rangers say to each other?

“It’s morphine time!”

"I'll close all other applications and only keep my internet browser up to save processing power,"

Said the Google Chrome user.

How do you get Texas to regulate their power grid?

Rename it uterus.

Two miners got trapped in a dark tunnel after a mine collapse, blocking their way in, and cutting off the power and lights.

One miner remained calm. He knew that there was other exits from the mine, but in the complete darkness, he had no way to navigate. He remained trapped.

The other miner started panicking. It was so dark, he had a wife and kids at home, he didn’t want to die like this. He was hyperventilating....

Been thinking about starting a program to rehabilitate felons through the power of writing

So I've been considering all the prose and cons.

My friend didn't take one of his power tools seriously.

Luckily it was just a drill.

I bought a book that said it could help me harness the power of ADHD.

I never finished it.

A freighter carrying a shipment of whiskey from Scotland lost power and was blown onto the rocks in Nova Scotia. The entire cargo was lost.

it left no tern unstoned.

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”

Since my work is reliant on it i might be biased, but i never understood why people say wind power is ineffective

Honestly i'm a big fan

According to J.D. Power, Ford is one of the most reliable brands.

75% of Fords are still on the road. The other 25% made it home.

The Eternals are the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe

They were the only team powerful enough to destroy the franchise

With great power comes

Greater difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

How well do you work with PowerPoint?’

I think I Excel with it’

‘Is that a computer joke?’

‘Word’

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders--such as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

*Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."*

*"Yes," answered the Rabbi.*

*"Well, Rabbi,...

Whenever I see someone flash that “white power” hand sign, I think to myself…

that’s not okay!

Why does texas have no power?

Democrats stole the electrons.

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I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses.

Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945.

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

Did you hear Disney is making Austin Powers into a Jedi?

It's called Obi-have

What did Alexa say when she powered down?

HAL be back...

If I had the power of invisibility,

I would end every argument by disappearing and saying "have I made myself clear?"

My local doctor's office had a power outage just as I was supposed to have my vaccine. I asked if I could have it anyway, on the off chance they might still let me.

Well, it was a shot in the dark.

I set up a small nuclear power plant in my garage.

It was running well until I got busted by a fish and game warden of all people. He gave me a fat ticket for not having a fission license.

What are the most powerful biscuits in the universe?

The Infinity Scones...



My 11 year old just came up with that one on his own...

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Anybody could have predicted Hitler's rise to power.

After all, he dominated the Poles.

My parents have the awesome super power of jumping.....

to conclusions in every f***ing thing I talk about.

Student doing test: “The unit of power equivalent to 1 joule per second is called the [....]”

Friend leans over: “Watt is the answer”

Student: “I don’t know, I’ve been trying to figure it out”

If someone unearths a source of untold power then it is a discovery

If someone is not told about an unearthed power source, it is a shock

All conspiracy theories were proved wrong. Trump will manage to stay in power by...

... dragging the vote count until 2024!

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