Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

Controlling probability is the best super power

And I think there's a big chance that you'll agree

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man.

"continue" says the priest.

"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".

"...

With great power comes

great electricity bills.

Was hit over the head with a power tool yesterday.

I was standing there, minding my own business, then 'Bosch'

Why do atheists struggle with exponents?

They don’t believe in a higher power.

How does Thor power his appliances?

With a lightning Adapter

How does your house get power?

The people at power plants "Work over time"!

I used to have an addiction to drinking power steering fluid.

But I've turned my life around now!

Student: What is the unit of power?

Teacher: It is.

The calorific value of gasoline is so high that 2.4 litres of it will power you for the rest of your life..

The whole 48 hours of it.

This power washer says you're supposed to wear safety goggles when you use it.

I can't see why.

I don’t understand how in the movie Frozen, Anna didn’t know that Elsa had magical powers, even though she was locked in her room for years and refused to come out

After all, she was clearly giving Anna the cold shoulder

Yerr a unit of power, Harry

I'm a watt?

Hospital: on the down side we lost power and back up power last night...

In the bright side we now have 42 open beds

I finished my report about how wind power is generated

It was a breeze

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

... Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank ...

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

Did you know groups of bats can power things?

They’re called bat-arrays

There was a recent test of one man's super powers...

He was found to be cape able.

What do you call an evergreen with temporary godlike powers?

Spruce Almighty

God’s power has changed over the centuries

He used to create universes and flood the entire Earth - now he can only manage to appear on toast.

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I'm sitting at home watching a movie and Nicholas Cage says "something bad is about to happen" at that moment my power goes out for a second.

I'm freaking out thinking why the fuck is Nicholas cage in my lounge room!!!

Fight power with love.

Kiss a gun.

What do you call spiderman after he lost his powers, but still jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour

(-my brother)

How do the Taliban power their aircraft?

Wind Turbans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish peasant

An Irish peasant named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.

One day, as if suddenly, the pot...

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Trump is doing everything in his power to make Mexico pay for the wall

By acting so batshit crazy they want to build the wall themselves for protection

How does Kim Jong Un maintain power in North Korea and combat ED?

He puts on fake erections

I plan to run power out to my barn.

I’d like to have plumbing as well but that may just be a pipe dream.

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I was taking a crap in the office restroom when the power went out

In pitch black darkness, I proceeded to wipe, wash my hands, and returned to my station, just in time for power to come back.

Upon arriving, I asked my workmate in the next cubicle "Do you know how a blind man in the crapper knows when he's done wiping?"

"No"

"Me neither"
...

What did the Power Ranger say when he got to the Hospital?

It's morphine time

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Great Power and Great Responsibility were having sex.

Both climaxed together.

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

I have the power to read minds.

But only my own.

Did you hear about the power source that was arrested for assault?

It was charged with battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?!”

Your parents, when you move out of their basement...

I'm going to open a gym with power walking and door knocking classes.

I'll call it Jehovah's Fitness.

Why do so many tyrants try to seize power?

Because when they heard: "Watt is the meaning of life", they didn't think it was a question.

What do you call it when a company that sells milk doesn't have have any cows in roles of power

Lactation without Representation

What did the old Power Ranger say every day at exactly 3:00 PM?

It's Morphin(e) Time!

If I had the power of invisibility,

I would end every argument by disappearing and saying "have I made myself clear?"

I just realized I have a superpower

I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them.

It takes a while though.

I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool.

There I was just minding my own business then BOSCH!

Where did Ozzy's Crazy Train get its power?

*Loco*motion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The power went out while I was using the bathroom today....

I couldn't see shit.

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My girlfriend and I were having sex when the power went out.

It was a huge turn off.

What is the power to move sea birds with your mind called?

Pelicanesis

Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Edit: Alright I've got it lol, TIL churches have wi-fi

Edit 2: ok guys really I get it, churches have wif-fi, no need for every redditor to tell me, 200 is enough

Edit 3: I'm beginning to realise these edit...

A priest is conducting an exorcism, yelling, "The power of Christ compels you!"

The demon sighs and says to him, "Sorry, I'm Jewish."

Why did Thor leave the hospital after he lost all his powers?

Because he was discharged

I have the power to heal others. I am a villain. Who am I?

The American healthcare system.

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?"

I said, "America."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I was offered sex by a young attractive woman, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards and strong will power.

Almost as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

I just found my old Nokia and connected it with my power bank.

The power bank is now fully charged again.

Shirt Power

My kid goes to school every day wearing a different color shirt and claims that she has the power of the color of the shirt, like red power and blue power. The problem arises when she picks a white shirt to wear.

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the c...

What has four legs, two mouths, is very scary and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.

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Today an old lady with strange powers asked if I wanted great memory or a massive penis

I just wish I remembered which one I chose.

My brother asked me which super power I'd like

Apparently the united states wasn't a good answer.

My gym teacher was shouting at me like “Power comes from the legs! I know you can do it!”

It felt really bad as I was standing on a ledge on the 31st floor.

The Heart-Shaped Herb has been responsible for granting superhuman powers to every King of Wakanda in the line.

It blessed the reigns down in Africa.

Three Irishmen are working on a power line...

One day, Paddy, Seamus and Scotty are working on a power line. The three of them have been co-workers for years and are great friends, until Paddy falls off of the tower and is immediately killed.

Grief-stricken, the two friends look at each other. "Aw, hell," Seamus says, "Someone's going to...

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

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