Professor X: what's your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that's not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

Son, with great power..

Comes great electricity bills

Nsfw. Jesus n Moses are walking down the beach comparing powers. Moses goes to Jesus, "Check this out." He faces the ocean n parts it clear down the middle. Jesus with a smirk, "ok ok, put it back n watch this."..

Jesus begins to walk out on the water and starts to sink. Jesus walks back n says to Moses "I don't get it, I can usually walk on water." Moses, laughing. "Probably because you got them holes in your feet."

My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?"

I said "Cold War Russia."

My dad has a super power!

Invisibility

Hagrid: "You're a unit of power Harry!"

Harry: "I'm a watt?"

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I like changing the power of my urine's stream while pissing.

It's the only thing I can control in my life.

I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

I was trying to convince my rich friend of mine to sell me his source of hydroelectric power.

But he didn't give a dam.

Did you hear about Google's new AI powered robotic broom?

Soon, it'll be sweeping the nation.

For security, I built a really powerful electric fence around my property.

My neighbour is dead against it!!!

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

Did you know I can melt an ice cube using the power of my mind.

Takes quite a white though.

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

Russia isn’t doing a good job at achieving world power

Maybe they should Putin more effort

Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

What does the wind turbine say to the power plant?

I’m your biggest fan!

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

What do you call your brothers daughters who have special powers?

Telekenieces

You should never cut off an addicts supply line, they will lash out in anger and do everything in their power to stop you.

This is why I avoid talking about abortions with my Priest.

Why was Spider-Man found sleeping on the roof of an old rundown power station?

No power, no responsibility.

My dyslexic friend believes in the power of the Ancient Roman God of Love

what a cupid stunt

Controlling probability is the best super power

And I think there's a big chance that you'll agree

I get drunk with power uninstalling microsoft products. I don't do it all the time..

just when I need to take the Edge off.

Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuab...

My power out because of a storm. It went off at 7:30 and came back on at 12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00

What does a nuclear power plant and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

What's the danger of power walking faster than everyone else?

You might start power tripping.

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, assuming for purposes of argument that it is within the power of a woodchuck to chuck wood?

You woodn't believe it, but the woodchuck axeually started his own branch. Experts suggest he took the wrong root to success, however, sapping all growth from the market.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes." replies Watson.

"And what do yo...

What do you call a number to the power of chickens?

An eggs-ponent

Why can’t Jedi children use their powers at the supper table?

Jedi parents don’t believe their children should be force-fed.

With great powers....

...comes greater difficulty in factorising the polynomial.

I used to have an addiction to drinking power steering fluid.

But I've turned my life around now!

My wife left me because of my love for power tools.

At least my saw reciprocates.

Hey, dictators! Moving the Earth further from the sun will keep you in power. Why?

Because it will take longer to make one full revolution.

Professor X: And what exactly is your mutant power?

I whisper, *its not very good* in his left ear, but he hears it in his right ear.

How does your house get power?

The people at power plants "Work over time"!

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A young woman that is a quadrapalegic is sitting in her powered chair on the beach. (longish)

A man that looks like a biker is walking by.

She calls to him: "Sir, Sir, could I talk to you please?"

The man looks, shrugs and walks over: "Sure, what's up?"

Girl: "I've always been so alone. Could you hold my hand, just for a moment? Please?"

Biker: "Well, that's simpl...

There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun

All other vampires pale in comparison

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

How does Thor power his appliances?

With a lightning Adapter

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician... "Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you ...

After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young woman

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm to pass time with you but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person....

Was hit over the head with a power tool yesterday.

I was standing there, minding my own business, then 'Bosch'

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

Hospital: on the down side we lost power and back up power last night...

In the bright side we now have 42 open beds

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

... Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank ...

I bought a high-powered industrial fan today.

I was blown away by how well it worked.

The calorific value of gasoline is so high that 2.4 litres of it will power you for the rest of your life..

The whole 48 hours of it.

I don’t understand how in the movie Frozen, Anna didn’t know that Elsa had magical powers, even though she was locked in her room for years and refused to come out

After all, she was clearly giving Anna the cold shoulder

Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

God walks into a DIY store in Lancashire looking for an ornamental well for the garden of Eden. Not sure where to look, he seeks a cashier for directions...

Before god says a word, the cashier recognises the big guy and says "well, I'll be!"

God replies "I thought I was the only one with super powers?! Thanks." and off he goes to the second isle.

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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane...

Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said...

This power washer says you're supposed to wear safety goggles when you use it.

I can't see why.

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I phoned my boss on his day off.

"We've got a power problem," I told him.

"Describe it to me..." he continued.

I said, "Everybody thinks you're a dickhead."

What do you call spiderman after he lost his powers, but still jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour

(-my brother)

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same....

They also mean the same thing... A dick rising to power

My battery powered dinosaur toy has stopped working.

I guess it just has a bad case of e-reptile dysfunction.

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

I finished my report about how wind power is generated

It was a breeze

As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors

because I don't believe in higher powers

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So a Cruise Ship Sinks...

So a cruise ship sinks in the middle of the pacific and three guys find themselves stranded on a desert island after being adrift in a life raft for a week.

After being on the island for a couple days a plane flies overhead and sees their SOS on the beach. With their supplies almost exhauste...

I keep asking my physics teacher

I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"


But he just keeps responding with "yes."

There was a recent test of one man's super powers...

He was found to be cape able.

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You mus...

The Force is like a priest

It surrounds us, it penetrates us, it has a powerful effect on the weak minded

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man.

"continue" says the priest.

"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".

"...

God’s power has changed over the centuries

He used to create universes and flood the entire Earth - now he can only manage to appear on toast.

Did you know groups of bats can power things?

They’re called bat-arrays

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The conductor

There was once a bus conductor who was a dick to everyone. One time when an old lady was getting on the bus, he blew the whistle which resulted in the lady falling off and dying.
The conductor was taken to prison and had to face the electric chair.
The power was turned on but astonishingly, ...

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

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Trump is doing everything in his power to make Mexico pay for the wall

By acting so batshit crazy they want to build the wall themselves for protection

Thanks to the innovative and powerful cheese grater design of the new mac pro...

...People can finally become Mac Cook Pros

What do you call an evergreen with temporary godlike powers?

Spruce Almighty

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What do you call an Over powered Janitorial Storm Trooper at the Death Star?

A Super Duper Pooper Trooper.

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

Hey is your refrigerator running?

PG&E turned my power off, can I keep some food in there?

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