UPJOKE
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Power Jokes

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

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Nuclear power is like anal sex

If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it's considered taboo.

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

A teacher tells her students to write a sentence defining power.

Once everyone has finished, she reads the sentences out to the class:

\- "Power is when you can do good," - Good, Max, nice sentence. That's an A.

\- "Power is when you can do good and punish evil," - very good, Sarah, beautiful. That's an A+.

\- "Power is when you have a lot of...

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the c...

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?"

I said, "America."

A mysterious monk walked into the office of a powerful politician...

The monk said that he would offer words of important advice to the politician, in return for an amount of rice.

"How much rice?" - the politician asked.

"I want one grain of rice for the first square of a chessboard. I then want two grains for the second square. And then four grains o...

Pick a super power

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and starts chatting the bartender up. "If you could have any superpower which one would you want?" he asks the bartender. "Cold war Russia, I guess," the bartender replies.

[First Date] Her: I’m usually attracted to men with power.

Me: That’s great, I always pay my electric bill on time.

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

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I wish I had the sexual power of snow.

People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village....

Power of Christ

Heard this one earlier and thought it was pretty good. I think it’s probably a repost so I’m sorry.

A priest was driving along a road a bit rashly while drunk. He’s got the bottle in the passenger seat. Eventually, a cop tails him and pulls him over.

Cop: “Hey Father, how’s it going?”<...

Russia is the second most powerful military nation

... in Ukraine.




(Just thought about it, sorry if it's not OC)

My children were chewing on power cords again...

so I had to ground them. They put up some resistance at first, but firmly grasped the problem, and are conducting themselves properly now.

A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing.

Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers.

She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

With great power comes

Greater difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Someday in the near future, Canada will become the most powerful nation in the world.

And then … you all will be sorry.

Yerr a unit of power, Harry

I'm a watt?

What is the best power tool to love?

A Sawzall. Because it will reciprocate.

I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source.

It was by Hg Wells.

Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?

To get to the other slide.

Batman's suit ran out of battery power.

Batman: I need a battery

Robin: What's a tery?

Happen in real life and wanted to share; My friend is always asking to borrow my power bank, so I said I should be charging you for this. Another guy nearby said immediately:

And another guy said immediately: You will make bank if you do.

What do you call a wacky hydroelectric power plant?

Dam that's crazy

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

Did you guys hear about the nun with super powers?

When she flies over, people say:

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"It's Superman!"

"No! It's Nun of the Above!"

Optimus Prime is at home, watching TV, when his power goes out.

Frustrated, he calls the electrical company, and they have someone sent over. As he goes to ask the lineman what's going on, he notices that his jaw won't move, so he goes to get some motor oil to lubricate his jaws.

10 minutes later, he arrives back at his house, his mouth full of motor oil....

Even at school they thought I had special powers; what was the phrase…

‘Constant super-vision.’

I started a company that makes wind powered rockets

Sails are taking off!

I need a power strip to plug stuff into.

Should I go to an Outlet Mall?

I just found my old Nokia and connected it with my power bank.

The power bank is now fully charged again.

what do you call a Nun with Jedi powers?

A force of habit

If I had the power of invisibility,

I would end every argument by disappearing and saying "have I made myself clear?"

What was the radioactive senior citizen's super power?

*Gramma Rays*

Breaking News: Local man hit his wife with a power cell which had its top and bottom coated in electrolytes

He has been arrested for a salt-end battery.

The Russian army is trying to hire an artist to repaint the Zaporizhzhia power plant.

They get paid in exposure.

I always wanted a super power, so I named my son Tran

I can’t quite turn invisible, but at least I’m transparent

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
  

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

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The power of prayer.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pra...

My daughter told me that she now believes in the power of rocks

I thought that she became spiritual,
Turns out she just started smoking Crack

Why is the ocean so powerful?

Because it has lots of mussels.

A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"

"Yes, there was"

answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.

"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"

"Yes, absolutely"

answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.

A nuclear power plant worker…

A nuclear power plant worker sees his coworker with a fishing rod and line in the reactor.

“How’s the fission, John?”

The power cut in my building was fixed immediately by the electrician

I couldn't hold a candle to his efficiency

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What did Hitler do to gain power in Germany?

He Brat out the Wurst in people.

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”

What do you say when hydroelectric power fails?

"Dam, I guess that didn't work!"

I just invented a way of powering the earth off of toddlers

Mine produces about 1000 what are's every day.

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What Power Level does Goku use in the bathroom?

he goes Pooper Saiyan

I have powerful mind control abilities

I can, over unlimited distances, make people experience the feeling of my choice.

I'm using it on you right now.

I am making you feel...

I am making you feel...



Skeptical!

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

Powerful medicine

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.


After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ...

Controlling probability is the best super power

And I think there's a big chance that you'll agree

Why was Portugal the best colonial power?

Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.

How do you get Texas to regulate their power grid?

Rename it uterus.

Why does texas have no power?

Democrats stole the electrons.

No power.

Mitt Romney : "8 Million Americans still have no power."

Obama: "8 Million and one."

The blue power ranger goes: "Blue power!" The red power ranger goes: "Red power!"

The white power ranger goes: "Non racist white power!"

My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...

... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.

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The power of booze.

Chapayev was a famous Red Army commander during the Russian Civil War.
He often travelled with a young aid named Peter.
One day they were holding a farm until reinforcements would arrive.

- Commander, I got from the radio that the enemy is five miles away!
- Let's drink to it.
Th...

Hospital: on the down side we lost power and back up power last night...

In the bright side we now have 42 open beds

Knowledge is Power

They always say knowledge is power, but I'm pretty sure I can beat up Stephen Hawking.

My brother asked me which super power I'd like

Apparently the united states wasn't a good answer.

The power of prayer

A ship is sinking, the captain turns to the people on the boat and asks, "does anyone here know how to pray?"

The priest on boards says he can pray.

Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one."

My wife asked if she has any annoying habits...

... and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation

Don't joke about power outages

That's just dark humor

Used a glock for a power point...

...Bullet points only.

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

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Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

Has heard about the new vehicle powered by urine?

Apparently you can't get it there, as only European models are available

Because gas prices are so high I invented a car powered by talking.

However, being a man of few words, I quickly got tired of talking in order to get anywhere so I modified the car to run on thoughts alone. I'm very happy with the results because, well, it goes without saying.

I bought a great power saw two years ago. I can't wait to use it.

The owner's manual said *Warning: Do not use this tool until you read and understand the entire instruction manual!*

But half of it is in Chinese! I'm getting there.

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I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses.

Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945.

How well do you work with PowerPoint?’

I think I Excel with it’

‘Is that a computer joke?’

‘Word’

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The Power of Christ

Mary notices that her son Jesus is 30 years old and still a virgin. So she tells the local prostitute to show Jesus, what being with a woman is all about.
The prostitute takes Jesus into a room while his mother waits outside. A few minutes later she comes screaming out of the room.
Mary ask...

The photophobiac's power just went out.

He is delighted.

Why don't Americans call inordinately powerful and corrupt people oligarchs?

Habits are hard to break, and we've always called them congresspeople.

What did the doctor say to the terminally ill Power Ranger?

It's morphine time!

How do you annoy a Texan?

Just say your power grid is working!

Q: What do you call a laptop that belts out power ballads?

A: A *Dell*!

My friend didn't take one of his power tools seriously.

Luckily it was just a drill.

What are the most powerful biscuits in the universe?

The Infinity Scones...



My 11 year old just came up with that one on his own...

doctor: you've been bitten by a radioactive shark me: so i'm gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs...

me: just like a shark.

An elevator powered by dreams

So you can sleep your way to the top

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Anybody could have predicted Hitler's rise to power.

After all, he dominated the Poles.

They say there’s power in positivity...

...my grandmother’s covid test results say otherwise

Why do birds always congregate on power wires?

So they can hang out with their friends online.

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

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I can't stand people who always hold the power button for 5 seconds

It's just a major turn off.

The Power of Words

A soldier in the trenches of WWI had lost his rifle in a previous battle. His sergeant ordered his troops to attack. He didn't move. The sargeant screamed at his soldier. The soldier said, "Sarge! I lost my rifle in the last battle." Sarge looks around and finds a wicker broom. He says, "Point this ...

What did Alexa say when she powered down?

HAL be back...

I Have Super Powers

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it…..

Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

As a repair man, I once installed a motor too powerful in a moving stairway.

It escalated very quickly.

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

Shirt Power

My kid goes to school every day wearing a different color shirt and claims that she has the power of the color of the shirt, like red power and blue power. The problem arises when she picks a white shirt to wear.

All conspiracy theories were proved wrong. Trump will manage to stay in power by...

... dragging the vote count until 2024!

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