UPJOKE
pressurethrustpushmovedrivemomentumphysicsaccelerationtorquemilitaryinfluencepowerpersonnelstrengthmass

Gravity is one of the fundamental forces in our universe but if you remove it you get gravy

also austria is not part of nato

Two kinds of nerds:

May the force be ____________

a. equal to mass times acceleration.

b. with you.

Can I buy the building?

The reason why the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

...

No one is as lonely as a Jewish Jedi.

They have no force kin.

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What's a Jet Skirt?

I was at the Grocery store with Grandpa , who is a retired Air Force pilot, when two Girls in **super short skirts** walked by.

Grandpa said, "Look at those **Jet Skirts**" as we both admired the two Ladies.

I had to know, what's a Jet Skirt ?

Grandpa replied, "It's a Skirt s...

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...

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A fart and a relationship have on important thing in common.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

A general is inspecting the drydock where an advanced prototype is in the final stages of commissioning.

The project manager excitedly explains how the attack submarine will be much faster than an enemy due to an innovative design which drastically reduces drag forces. The general asks how progress is coming along.

The manager replies, “The propulsion system is complete, I think it's ready for ...

During a war with the Ottoman Empire, the Habsburg army lost thousands of men in the battle of Karánsebes, and was forced to flee from the battlefield.

Then the Ottomans arrived.

Area 51

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base...

Unconditional love

Repost due to incomplete joke, if anyone wants to trim it or change it for the better feel free:
I was watching Jimmy Kimmel and discussing where to go for lunch with my girlfriend when the topic of “unconditional love” was brought up. I nodded and told her “…of course I love you and you love...

There’s this cos playing dude trying to move me with the force while I’m a stormtrooper. I said…

If there was one left, it’s definitely not you.

Being in a canoe forces you to make a very tough decision.

Roe vs Wade

A working man would come home after a week of hard work, so his wife thought that she could suprise him with a mighty dinner

So she gutted a chicken and threw it's intestines in the toilet. When the husband came home they had a great dinner and ate themselves full. After the dinner the husband stood up and said "excuse me, I need to go to the toilet" after a while the husband came back pale white a soaked with sweat. The ...

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If Microsoft made cars.

Disclaimer: This Joke was made in the 1990's in response to comments that if the automobile industry kept pace with Silicone Valley cars would be much more advanced. The origin is the Mid 1990's
However at close retrospect some of this now happens.





At a computer expo (...

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I lost my job and was forced to become a sex worker

Now I have to rub Peter to pay Paul

A woman explains to her doctor her recent issues with going to the bathroom.

I’ve had horrible constipation,” she explains.

“I haven’t been able to go for weeks.”

“Are you doing anything for it?” the doctor asks.

“Well, I’ll force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning and a half hour before bed.”

“No, I meant are you taking a...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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When I was about 9 years old

When I was about 9 years old

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happ...

Newton said "The greater the mass, the greater the force of attraction"

Yet here I am. Still single.

Love is like a fart

If you force it, you’ll make a mess.

Shrek was furious when all the fairy tale creatures were forced onto his swamp

It was Marsh Madness!

Punishment

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.~~~The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely sl...

So I heard about a secret society that wants to run the world...

...and force feed everybody cheese all the time.




They're called the Hallouminati

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

The chief of staff of the US air force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of the armed forces. He directed that a nearby Air Force base will be open and all eligible young men and women would be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F - 15 fighter jet, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff struck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and said...

if someone was beat to death by a doobie.

Would it be death by blunt force.

Hunter and the bear



A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge hunting rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, he couldn't find the bear. A moment later, he sees the bear sneak up from behind him and says, “No one...

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So a church needed a bell ringer…

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

T...

Two Nuns

Two nuns are riding their bikes across the village back to the convent when they come up to construction in the road.

They are forced to take a detour down an old stone paved street. One nun looks around and says to the other, “I don’t think I’ve ever come this way before.”

And the oth...

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One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

An Airman and a Marine walk into the restroom at the same time.

The Airman finishes up and heads out.

When the Marine is finished, he washes his hands and then catches up to the Airman.

“Hey, buddy. In the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after we take a leak.”

The airman responds,

“In the Air Force, they teach us not to p...

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

Why are the Russian forces in Ukraine using the symbol "Z"?

Because the other half of the swastika fell off due to poor Russian maintenance.

Did you hear about the Jedi nun who kept accidentally picking up banthas, hundreds of feet into the air?

You can’t really blame her, it was force of habit.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thi...

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

What did the stoner die from?

Blunt force trauma

Who does the work?

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children yo...

How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services will do:

The NAVY will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY will surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS will assault the build...

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Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

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There was going to be a great TV show about the Air Force, but one of the actors was accused of sexual misconduct…

so they cancelled the pilot.

Lady Mary strolled down the path to where the young gardener was pruning the roses

"Hello, Thomas."

"Good morning, Your Ladyship."

"You know, Thomas, ever since you've come to work for us, I've been afraid that you would force me to kiss you," she said, conversationally.

"Oh, Your Ladyship, how could I do that with a pair of secateurs in one hand and a bag of ...

As Steven Weinberg was finishing the presentation of his contributions to the Standard Model, a colleague asks:

"This work is incredible. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?"

Weinberg: "No, weren't you listening? That's the only force we don't understand."

(I'm sorry for this terrible and obscure joke, feel free to downvote.)

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A man is with his best friend at a local pub

He looks at his watch, raises his eyebrows, and groans, "Oh shit, not again!"


"Why? What's the matter, chum?" asks the second man


"It's already 2AM, my wife's gonna kill me; she always knows when I get home too late." the first man exclaims


"I thought Brenda sleeps e...

What was the name of that Pixar movie where a non-human duo is forced to go on an adventure after the Status Quo gets threatened?

Google: "Could you be more specific?"

Things are pretty bad right now

Van Diesel was forced to change his name to Van Electric due to increasing gas prices.

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51.

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

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An employer is forced to fire one of his employees

He has to decide between Jack or Susan. They are both great workers with exceptional sales. He decides to interview them separately to decide who to fire.
He calls jack into his office and says I will cut to the chase. I need to lay you or Susan off, why should I keep you? Jack responds his comp...

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If you ever hear these four words directed at you, you will be forced to realize how really fucking stupid you are.

"Hi. I'm Chris Hansen."

Air Force weatherman

So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our bombing runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the ...

The Russian Navy has announced that it's commissioning glass-bottom warships

...so they can keep an eye on the Russian Air Force.

I had a terrible nightmare

It was quite strange. I dreamt that the Canadian singer-songwriter Abel Makkonen Tesfaye had conquered the world and instituted a horrible system of forced labor. There was no alternative.

Everybody was workin' for The Weeknd.

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

Want an example of an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object?

Frank Sinatra starring in a Kubrick movie.

What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?

If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."

If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.

If you were in the Army you think it means to go from r...

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Management Knows Best

A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wante...

A boy, Billy, is born with no left eye, so the doctors surgically implant a wooden eye in the socket

All through his youth, he is shunned and bullied for his deformation. He grows hard and strong from all the fights he’s been forced to engage in throughout the years, but underneath it all he remains a good kid

High school is coming to an end and Billy’s goal remains the same: survive. Someho...

guys are all like “i want a crazy gf”

then all of a sudden they’re all mad at you like “how did you find my location” “why are you stalking my kindergarten girlfriends mom on facebook” “you can’t chain me up and force me to be your boyfriend”

like omfg pick a side

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(NSFW) An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader"...

An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader".

The gas pump doesn't respond.

The alien repeats his demand "Take me to your leader"

Again, the gas pump does not respond. The alien starts to get a litt...

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A man wakes up one morning and hears on the radio that a gorilla has escaped from the zoo.

Deciding that this news does impact his life in any way, the man goes outside to retrieve the mail. Just as he reaches his mailbox, he hears very loud grunting above him and looks up at his massive tree next to the mailbox. Up high in the tree is none other than the escaped gorilla, hooting and holl...

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Sole man on an isolated island

There is an isolated island, with a sole man there.
The man doesn't know about the existence of the rest of the world, he haven't met any other people and is disconnected from the rest of humanity.

A big news company hears about it, and decides to send a news reporter to make an item about...

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A bank robber swallows a million dollars

Desperate and on the run from the police, a bank robber forces his entire million dollar haul down his gullet and calmly walks home.

The next day he is suffering from extreme cramping and his pain becomes worse throughout the day. In the end he cannot take it anymore and presents himself to ...

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Friends intervened to get a guy married who was spending way too much time and money on hookers. They set him up with a sweet gal and sure enough love bloomed, bells rang and off they went on their honeymoon.

His buddies jumped on him soon as they got back.
"So how was it? Better than shagging pros right? Come on tell us."
He looked pensive.
"Come on!"
"Well, the sex was great the first night. We pretty much knocked each other out."
"Told ya!"
"But I screwed up. Before nodding off, out ...

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"The best things in life aren't forced. Force something, and you'll likely end up with more than you bargained for."

No one knows who this quote is from, but most agree that it was probably just some asshole

Three highly decorated police officers die

in a wild shoot-out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I...

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

So three guys rent a room at a ski lodge

Three guys rent a room at a ski lodge but due to a lack of other rooms they're forced to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, they all wake up abruptly and the one on the left says *"Man I dreamt I was getting a handjob"*

The guy on the right replies *"That's weird, I was dreaming ...

A joke translated from Vietnamese.

In a conference, USA repesentatives complained that the Vietnamese were so uncivilized, they often pee illegally in public and in plain sight. The Vietnam side denied and say that wasn’t true. The US responsed that tonight, they will carry m4, patrol around Ho Guom lake and execute all those who pee...

The Australian Armed Forces recently declassified documents detailing their rationale for choosing the Steyr AUG as the Army’s assault rifle.

“Buy local.”

As i child i was forced to walk the plank

We couldn't afford a dog...

One day at the bar, the warden of a prison and the manager of a football club get into a argument about football.

The warden mocks the manager’s players. Saying they are pathetic, over-payed babies who collapse whenever there’s a slight breeze. He claims that his inmates, could beat them easily as they are made of sterner stuff.

The manager laughs. The inmates are all criminals, they would cheat or even ...

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Apparently there's a new sex position called Parcel Force.

You stay in all day and no one comes

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...

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Prostitute called me her Jumbo Jet!

My chest swelled up and I asked if it was the great thrust and force I generated?

She said: "No, you're just # 747"

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Restroom Thinker

I came here, To shit and stink,

But all I do, Is sit and think,

And here I sit, Broken hearted,

Couldn't shit, But only farted,

Some come here to sit and think,

Some come here to shit and stink,

Often I come here to scratch my balls,

And read all the ...

Why are color blind people not allowed to join the Air Force?

Because they won’t know who they’re supposed to bomb.

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I'm Iranian and was forced to work the border near a Viagra bomb field.

I was stuck between Iraq and a hard place.

Budget cuts in the Army

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenan...

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The Indian salesman

A young guy from India moves to the US and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was an insurance salesman back in India ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked...

Which Military Service Is the Best?

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servic...

It is said that some nuns are capable of telekinesis and influencing people's minds.

Force of habit, I guess.

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies

He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.
...

What is the difference between the Government and the Drug cartel?

The cartels don't force you to take the drugs....I'll see myself out

The Senate committee just released a report about the Cold War.

They found that in response to Sesame Street promoting friendship, racial equality, and care, the CIA captured the Count and forced him to run through truckloads of rice.

How Newton came up with his laws

A cow was walking. Newton shouted at the cow and it stopped. He formed his first law: “an object continues to move unless it’s stopped”.

Newton gave the cow a forceful kick and it made a sound, ‘MA’. He formed his second law: “force, F = MA”.

The cow gave Newton a forceful kick back. H...

An Acadian, a Newfie and a Quebec'er were walking down the beach when they they found a Genie's lamp

The Genie said that he would grant them each one wish. The Genie turned to the Acadian and asked "What will be your wish?"

The Acadian said "Well, I had to start working out West and they don't speak a lot of French there, so it would be nice if they would accept me for who I am."

Th...

the worm protector of the world

there’s this worm guarding the world, let’s call him Nate. Nate’s amazing. he’s been around for all of time, protecting the lever on a side of a mountain that’s always been “on”. Nate’s never let it switch to “off”, and that’s a good thing.

Nate is famous, as he should be, and although there...

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A US special forces team is assembled in Afghanistan...

The team's objective is to try to extract as many transsexuals from Afghanistan as possible before the Taliban find them.

The leader of the team makes it clear to his commanding officer, that an auto mechanic will be crucial for the success of this operation.

When asked why a mechanic...

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

Now You Tell Me

A preacher in New Orleans is known to be a good, holy man of God.

One day, while the preacher is at home, a hurricane whips up, with torrential rains and rising waters. His neighbor comes by, saying he's leaving, and would the preacher like ride? The preacher says, "No, the Lord will save me...

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With my bear hands

Me and wife at dinner:
Me “I kinda think it would be bad ass to be a special forces”
Wife: “you can’t fight though”
Me: “ I can kill a man with my bare hands”

Wife, serious as hell “you mean to tell me you’ve had bear hands this whole time and you didn’t tell me?”

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and crashes it, killing several people.

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happe...

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

What do you call it when someone coerces you into smoking marijuana rolled into a cigar and it mentally scars you?

Blunt force trauma

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

What happened when the chicken was found stealing from work?

He was forced to tender his resignation.

Gravity is really important as a fundamental force of nature.

But if you get rid of it you get gravy.

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant ran a personnel shop staffed by three lower ranking sergeants.

Every day at 3:00, the Chief would grab his hat, tell his staff that he was going to a meeting, and leave. After several weeks of this, one of the sergeants figured it was safe to leave work early - they'd never get caught because the Chief never returned. At 3:15 he told his coworkers, "Let's go...

How many media outlets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Outrage! as light socket forced into pairing with light bulb. "I just couldn't imagine this would be happening to me". Light socket is quoted as saying after the incident.


Pressure mounts on controversial home owner who refuses to rule out further forced bulb screw ins.


Associ...

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My girlfriend phoned me while I was on the graveyard shift.

"There are three blokes standing outside," she whispered nervously. "I think they're going to break in to our house!"

"If they force their way in," I replied, "don't let them have anything good. Alright?"

"OK!" she snapped. "I'll try my best."

I said, "No TV, no PlayStation, non...

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A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight.

During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the air...

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

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A man is having marital issues...

A man is having marital issues with his wife, and as a result they go to a marriage counselor.

The counselor says, "The best thing my wife and I ever did for out marriage was to avoid sex for a month. It forces you two to see if you're compatible."

The woman immediately agrees, and th...

TIL after his show on Netflix was cancelled, Jon Bernthal was forced to take a job as a doorman in a theatre who would occasionally warm up the audience with dad jokes

He became widely known as the pun usher.

Two men talking…….

Man 1: You know, I’ve been married twice and both my wife’s died. The first one died from eating poisonous mushrooms. The second one died from blunt force trauma to the skull.

Man 2: Jesus, and how did that happen?

Man 1: She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms

A Judge forces Mario to pay 50,000 dollars

Mario: why are you making me pay so much?
Judge: it’s a fine
Mario: no itsa not

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soviet general is marching his army through Poland.

As they're passing by a hill, they hear a voice cry out from the other side of it. "No Soviet soldier can stand up to one Polish soldier!"

The general is furious. Such disrespect to the motherland is intolerable. He points to his best foot soldier, and says, "Comrade Ivan, take that hill in t...

Two farmhands were working in the field one hot day...

Two farmhands were working in the field one hot day when an accomplished lawyer who was passing through decided to recline in the shade of a nearby tree. One of the farmhands approached him and asked "how did you get to be so wealthy?" to which the lawyer replied "Well son, I have an education." The...

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