Repulse Jokes - 23 Hilarious Repulse Jokes

You hear about the time Erwin Schrödinger got pulled over?

Since Dr. Schrödinger was driving a little erratically, the cop asked to search his car. He opened the trunk and found a dead cat inside. Repulsed, the cop shouts “Hey buddy, you know you got a dead cat in here?” Schrödinger retorts: “Well, I do now!”

I went to a public bathroom and saw a guy with no arms standing at the urinal. [Long] [NSFW]

After a few seconds of waiting my turn, I realized that nothing was happening. He was just standing there, looking down.

"Umm, everything alright?" I asked him.

"Yeah, just got a slight problem here." he said, nodding towards his zipper.

I guess it's the humanitarian in me tha...

A man had been away from home for 3 days trying to hunt a deer.

Finally, he was able to shoot the largest deer he had ever seen.

He took it home and kept it a surprise from everybody else. He cooked it in the shed so that no one could see what it was.

When he brought the cooked deer to the table, his kids asked what it was.

"It's what your m...

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A guy walks up to a woman and asks "How much?"

She is repulsed. "Excuse me?! Who the fuck do you think you are? Do I look like a prostitute?!"

The guy replies, "What? No! That's not what I meant at all!"

The woman calms down. "Oh. Well okay then. What did you mean by that?"

The guy says "I meant how much *do you weigh*?"

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I saw this gorgeous gal at the bar the other night.

After a while, I mustered up the courage to go talk to her. She humoured me for a while, until I bluntly asked "How would you like to have the best sex of your life tonight?"

Looking repulsed, she said to me, "No, I absolutely do NOT want that!"

I said, "That's great! I'm your man!"

A priest has a moment of weakness. He decides to go to a brothel.

Being a faithful servant of the lord until recently, he's overwhelmed. He sees one lady named destiny and immediately falls in love.

She's repulsed by him though, they just did not mesh.

The father leaves and returns the next day with flowers but destiny still will not have anything t...

A man is struggling to pick up women at the Beach

[short] He consults his friend, who tells him, “Dude, women are into the bulge! Put a potato in your bathing suit, and the ladies will be flocking to you!”

After trying it out a few days later, he finds his friend on the beach, and angrily asks, “What the hell am I doing wrong? The ladie...

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A convicted felon….

A convicted felon escaped from prison where he'd already spent 15 years of a life sentence. He broke into a local farmhouse in the middle of the night looking for food and money and while in there he discovered a young couple asleep in their bed. He woke them up violently and ordered the guy out of ...

Women are always complaining about wanting a boyfriend...

And when I offer they act all repulsed and tell me to get out of their house before they call the cops for breaking in, women am I right?

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A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

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Death or Ruru?

Three men were flying over a deserted island. They experienced plane troubles and are forced to land. They soon were greeted by a group of Pigmies who kidnap them and take them back to their camp.

The three are given a choice as to their future. The Chief asks the first guy: "Death or Ruru?...

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A girl really wants to borrow her step-dad's Porsche

So she goes and asks him if it'd be okay to use it for the night.

The step-dad, being the pig that he is, says "I'll let you borrow it if you suck my dick."

At first she is repulsed by this but then starts thinking of how cool she would look in a Porsche for the night with her friends....

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all sit down at a bar and order a beer...

...then three flies happen along, each one landing in the mug of its respective owner. The Englishman is repulsed and orders another. The Irishman gives him a dirty look, obviously finding his fey behaviour offensive, and flicks the fly from his mug, taking a long drink. Then both of them hear screa...

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An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week.

An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week. As a way to say thanks to the community, he offers to take down and rebuild a brand new deck at the bar. The bar owner, who practically lives at the bar day-in day-out, doesn't want t...

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A man is found guilty & sent to prison

He's a slight man, with a short, thin, scrawny frame, & the prison assigns him to a cell with a 6'8" 325lb muscular man named Tyrone who looks absolutely terrifying.

The new inmate avoids looking at his frightening cellmate, so Tyrone decides to break the ice and in a very intimidating vo...

There was a carpenter that was quite a ladies' man, who accidentally ruined one of his eyes in an accident one day

So he made himself a wooden eye, but unfortunately his good looks were spoiled because he couldn't get it to fully resemble his remaining eye, and his days of womanizing were done. The fact that women were repulsed by his eye made him grow to have trouble even talking to women, which only compounded...

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An American anthropologist is studying cultures throughout Western Africa.

He discovers an isolated civilization in the West African Jungle. It’s a small village with wooden houses and plenty of domesticated animals. The anthropologist is impressed by the organization of the village and becomes eager to learn more about the culture of it’s inhabitants.

He approa...

Joe and Tom had been at the bar for a while...

…when Joe said he'd give Tom $20 if he'd take one sip out of a large spittoon at the end of the bar.

Tom: "No way, man. That's disgusting!"
Joe: "What if I offered you $50, then would you do it? Just one sip??"
Tom: "Uh. No. Even for $50, that's just too gross!"
Joe: "Well…what if I...

So a man gets off work and is headed to his favorite diner for his favorite meal.

So one Friday, this guy gets off work and hes is really craving his usual Friday meal, some vegetable soup from his favorite diner. He arrives, sits down at his table and asks the waiter for the usual.

"One bowl of vegetable soup, please!" The waiter responds "I'm so sorry sir, but the gentle...

Two guys go to the beach for the weekend.

The first guy, Donnie, is getting looks from girls all day long, while Jimmy is ignored. Jimmy is completely blown away by this. They are both about the same size, with similar features. How could Donnie be so much more attractive. They could barely walk anywhere without some hot blonde in a bikini ...

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A man moves to Alaska......

A man moves to a small town in a remote part of Alaska, far removed from civilization. One of the first nights he's in town, he hits up the town bar, and the locals tell him to make sure he sticks around, as there'll be plenty of women around at midnight, and the guy's sure to get laid.

Midn...

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

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Magic Dildo

A man was in a sex shop looking for a gift for his wife. Mother's Day was just around the corner and he wanted to get her the perfect gift. He was having trouble deciding so he went up to the counter to get some help. He asked the girl at the counter, a stunningly hot blonde, what her favorite toy w...

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