Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track.

Police think it was race related.

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18.

So he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128. Again he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd

race and again wins $770!

He keep doing this for each race, and finally on the last race he puts his entire winnings so far - $1,941,550!

The crowds are all around him watch...

I made a diss track about s’mores only one artist said it was hot

Marshmello

There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.

Kind of.. Kung Fusing

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A Boy was screwing a girl on a Railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it

He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants

The driver shouts out t...

How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighborhood?

He uses his spider census.

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Did you know Hitler was a prolific track athlete in his younger years?

He was the Fascist guy in Germany!

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My friend once dared me to take a shit on electrified train tracks.

That was the last time I put my ass on the line for him.

Age is just a number. On my 40th birthday, I went to the high school track to see what I could do in the mile run, and I set a new personal best!

Half a mile!

What system was used to keep track of the Millennium Falcon's Library?

The Chewie-decimal system

What's the hardest part of playing track in an American high school?

Telling which gunshot is the starter.

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third one was hit by the train.

What do you call a missile programmed only to track and fire at Arabs?

A heat-Sheiking missile.

What do you call the ant that keeps track of all the food in a colony?

A count Ant

What does the kid play with between the train tracks?

With his life.

Hunting by the Tracks

3 friends are out camping and hunting together. A blonde, brunette, and a redhead. They take turns going out hunting while the other two tend the camp. First the Brunette goes out hunting. She creeps off into the woods and a short while later comes back with a deer dragging behind her.

"Wo...

An Australian superhero tracks down his arch nemesis...

He camps outside his evil lair to do some reconnaissance before going in. The next day he goes in but gets captured.

Villain: “Did you come here to die?”

Hero: “Nah mate, I came here yesterday.”

A dog is sitting beside a railroad track.

He's wagging his tail as a train starts rushing past and the train cuts off the tip of his tail. Mad and in pain, he turns to snap at the train and the train cuts his head off.

The moral of the story: Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?

Because he always accepts cookies.

Two drunks are walking down the railroad tracks...

Two drunks are walking down the railroad tracks.

One turns to the other and says, "This is the longest set of stairs I've ever been on."

Drunk two replies, "It's not the length, it's these low handrails that are killing me."

I’m keeping track of all the exponentials I can find..

Everytime I see one, I log it

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor who jumped his train off the tracks?

The police said he had a loco motive.

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

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If Hitler was a rapper, he would make the best diss tracks.

He was good at roasting people.

What is the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a girls track team?

One is a group of cunning runts.

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

To whoever stole my copy office Microsoft Office, I will track you down.

You have my Word.

Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

3 hunters were walking in a forest when they came across some tracks.

One hunter claims they were bear tracks.

The second frowns, and says "No, those are certainly badger tracks."

The third just laughs and says, "Honestly! You two crack me up! Those are *obviously* baby elephant tracks!"



And then the train hit them.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it

I think I managed to cover my tracks

Three blondes are walking through a forest when they spot tracks on the ground

The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No, you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when...

What do they use to track Olympic swimmers’ speed?

A speedo meter.

What did the paraplegic track event and the Cold War have in common?

They were both an arms race.

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So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

At the race track and saw a 100-1 horse win a race.

I couldn't believe it, what are the odds of that.

A blonde is walking beside a railway track.

A brunette passes her on the tracks skipping and singing "21, 21, 21..."
The blonde eagerly asks "May I join you?"
The brunette nods, and says, "You may, but only if you can REALLY concentrate."
"I can do that!" exclaims the blonde happily. And so, they both proceed to skip along the middle...

How does the Pope keep track of his online spending?

He checks his Papal account.

Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you've stepped on their tail?

It's your Yelp score

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

What's the KKK's favourite festive track?

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas....

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I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.

I never found it.

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

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A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.

He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."

What is white and in the Olympic 100 metre track final?

The lines.

It was a lot easier to keep track of the days of the week back then

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

My track and field team complained that the hurdles were too short

But I'm not worried, they'll get over it

What’s the best way to track your bowel movement?

Keep a log.

How do you track down DJ Jazzy Jeff in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

I have a spreadsheet wherein I track all the chocolate toffee bars I've eaten.

It's my Heath ledger.

LPT: If you are sick of hearing duplicate tracks on Spotify's stand-up comedy playlists,

Just delete all of the Amy Schumer material, and it should flow a lot smoother.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man at the bar was telling his friends about a girl tied to the train tracks...

She screamed for help. The man waited a bit, then he quickly untied her. He then told his friends about the hot sex both of them right after he untied her. He was describing all the positions they did it in. Then one of his friends asked:
-“Did she give you head”
To that he man replied:
“No...

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A New Zealander and an Australian are walking down a track

The two mates come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

Naturally, the kiwi bloke jumps over the fence, bends over, pulls down his pants and goes to town doing the sex on the poor sheep.

Upon finishing he looks over at his aussie mate, and goes “your turn bro”, to which nat...

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Two hobos walking the tracks....

Two hobos are walking the tracks when they come upon a dead squirrel. The first hobo cooks the squirrel, offering some to the second hobo, who declines.

As they keep walking they find a dead rabbit. Again the first hobo cooks a nice meal, offers some to the second hobo, who declined.

...

I saw my mother-in-law tying herself to the train tracks. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing.

I looked at her, my eyes widened, and said, "Don't do it!"

"Why the hell not?!" she yelled.

I said, "They aren't running today."

The CIA lost track of its operative in Ireland “Murphy. ”

The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well. ”

So the...

Girl on the tracks

Greaser Bob swaggered up to his favourite bar, and called for a beer.

As the bartender reached for a fresh glass, he observed: “You look pleased with yourself, Greaser Bob. Did you win the lottery?”

Greaser Bob said: “On my way home from here last night, I had to cross the railway, ...

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A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything!"

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

"No, I never found the head."

What does the Jewish track coach do to the female runner?

He Kosher.

If you take acid at a track meet...

is it a field trip?

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[LONG]So, a pianist walks into his local jazz bar...

As he's been down on his luck and is looking for work. He asks one of the waitresses there to speak to the manager, who he approaches and asks,

"Are you the dumb fucker that runs this shit hole of a bar?"

The manager, taken very much aback, responds, "Excuse me? I am the manager, yes...

Enemies of Russia enjoy which track and field sport the most?

Shot Putin.

Three blondes walking through the woods...

One of them stops and points at the ground in excitement saying, "Oh my gosh look. Those are like, bunny tracks!"

"Those are so not bunny tracks. They're deer tracks." The second blonde says in a matter-of-fact tone.

The third blonde, with hands on her hips, says "Your both wrong. ...

Four Different Views Of Life

One day, three friends went walking on a train track stumbled upon a tunnel (mind you, the first is an Optimist, the second a Realist, and the third a Pessimist). The Optimist says,
“Fellas, lets go through this tunnel! C’mon it’ll be fun!”
The other two roll their eyes and agree. About halfw...

In the old days, when you illegally downloaded music it would transfer everything but the drum tracks, so you’d have to duplicate those on your own.

That’s why they say you can’t steal music without repercussion.

What's it called when somebody carelessly walks on train tracks?

A loco motive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*Offensive* A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie's lamp

The man rubs the lamp & the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes... when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, coun...

Why did the young railroad engineer fall on the tracks?

He was undertrained

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The Crude Pianist.

A pianist scored an interview at a local restaurant. He is sent to the manager and is asked to play a few songs from memory.

The pianist says - “this is one of my favourites. It’s called ‘I Was Fucking Your Dog But It Bit My Penis So Now My Balls Hurt’”.

The manager, appalled, says - “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bear Hunting

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He Spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or I fuck you up the ass."
<...

Gunfire reported at track and field event

They said it was race related

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go hunting

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all went out camping and hunting together. After setting up camp the brunette left to go hunt. 24 hours later the brunette came back with a deer. The others were in awe of the brunette and asked, "How did you do it?"

The brunette replied, "Found tracks, foll...

"Master Yoda, are we on the right track?"

"Off course, we are.."

Two men in the woods come across some bear tracks...

The first man takes off his boots and starts puttin on runnin sneakers.

The second man asks "do you really think you gonna outrun a bear?"

First man replies "I just gotta outrun you"

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

I'm writing a musical love story set in the '50s about 2 teens from the opposite sides of the tracks, falling in love during the National Origami Qualifiers.

I'm calling it "Crease."

What utensil in the kitchen is used to keep track of time?

A colander!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tank crew is hard at work fixing a broken track...

When a beautiful pixie approaches them from behind. "What are you boys doing?" asked the Pixie. "Can't you see we're fucking with the track?!" replied an angered crewman. "Would you boys want to get fucked for real?" Asked the Pixie in a mischievous voice?
The crew drops the track and turns to th...

Just realized my poorly-upvoted posts end up being the answer to "what did the driver do at the race track?"

[erased]

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Two homeless guys are walking on along some train tracks..

One of the homeless men turn to the other and says " I must be the luckiest guy alive ! "

Oh yeah why's that the other replied.

"Last week I found a big bag of weed and beer on these very same tracks!"

Wow, that is pretty lucky . But I think I'm luckier , I found a woman tied up...

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What do you call a woman who keeps track of the men she's fucked?

TALLY-HOE

A train driver accidentally kills a man when he drives off the tracks

Since he killed a person, the court sentences him to death by electrocution chair. For his last meal, he requests a single banana. The prison guard thought it was odd, but gave him the banana, and the man ate it. The next day, the man is strapped onto the electrocution chair and the executioner swit...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant. “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly.” Replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would b...

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A guy is having sex with his girlfriend and stops dead in his tracks.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"I saw this in a porn once. It's called buffering."

A brunette is jumping on railroad tracks...

Saying “65, 65, 65”

A blonde goes up to her and asks her what she’s doing. She replies “Jumping on these tracks and counting, want to join me?”

She agrees, and follows the brunette in jumping and saying 65.

A train comes by, and the brunette jumps out of the way at the last sec...

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A train in the US derailed for a bit then went back on track...

after the train stopped, the boss of the station had a talk with the train driver

Boss : What happened ?!

Train driver : There was a guy in the middle of the track!

Boss : so ? next time you have to hit the guy and not endanger the lives of hundreds of people.

Train drive...

First post on here

Once, there was a married couple who was about to have a son. When their son finally was born, they named him Cythera, after the Greek island with the same name, where the couple had gone for their honeymoon.

Their son grew up to be a nice and well-mannered young man, and was just about to s...

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