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Hunting Jokes

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

A man took his son on a hunting trip.

One day, a man took his son on a hunting trip to Silver Mountain for his sixteenth birthday like his father took him and like his grandfather took his father. As they arrived though, they saw signs everywhere that said "Private property. No hunting."

The dad was upset since it was the end of ...

A keen hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time in her life.

He first explains the basics to his wife, and then says: "One thing is super important: Whenever you shoot something, you must claim it right away. Or else if someone else gets to the kill, they might claim it. So if you want deer meat in the fridge, make sure you're quick to claim it."

Of ...

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

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A man goes bear hunting in the woods

He finds a rather large bear and it spots him. He tries to shoot it but misses. The bear swats the gun out of his hands and throws him to the ground. Then rips his pants off and fucks him in the ass.

A few days later the now very sore hunter comes back with a much larger rifle and attempts to...

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

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A woman pregnant with triplets had a hunting accident with a pumpgun

She was rushed to surgery, but 3 of the bugshot shards could not get removed without endangering the kids, so they remained in her.

Later she delivers 2 boys and a girl, all healthy and well. Time goes by and nobody even thinks about the accident anymore, when they all become teenagers.
...

Frank goes hunting in the woods by himself.

He comes across a small black bear drinking from a stream so he shoots and kills it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a large black bear.

"Hey", says the bear. "You just killed my cousin. What's your name?"

"Um....Frank", the hunter says nervously.

...

Two hunters were hunting in the woods

When one of them spots a hole in the ground that looks unusually deep. He picks up a rock and throws it in the hole, and never hears it hit the bottom.

"Try something heavier", the other man suggests. They find an old railroad tie nearby, pick it up and throw it down the hole. Two seconds lat...

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A group of friends decide to get together and go on a hunting trip in Georgia to get away for a few days. The arrangements are made and a few days later they are being picked up by their guide 'Bubba' at the airport and off to the hills of Georgia they go.

Bubba decides to hold a little church call before they take off on the hunt: "Now you city boys be real careful with them thar guns and don't go shooting each other in the foot and don't shoot nothing till I tell ya its all right. Now listen up real good to this here, you see them bunch of Hound dog...

A man skipped church to go hunting...

A man skipped church to go hunting. While in the woods, he got chased by a bear and climbed a tree to get away. Unfortunately, the bear started climbing after him (as bears do). The man started to pray: "Lord, I know I should not have skipped church, but please make this a Christian bear!" Just the...

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are out hunting.

Suddenly, a deer appears 50 meters away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts the rifle, and the bullet lands 5 meters short.

The engineer adds fudge factor for air resistance, and lifts the rifle a bit higher, and the bullet lands 5 meters lon...

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

A biologist, a physicist and a statistician go hunting and they see a deer 70 feet in front of them.

The biologist calculates the deer's movement and shoots 5 feet to the left of the deer because he forgot to calculate the speed of the wind..

The physicist calculates the speed of the wind and shoots 5 feet to the right of the deer because he didn't calculate the deer's movement.

The s...

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Rabbit Hunting

A man out walking with his dog is amazed to see his doctor down on all fours with his finger halfway down a rabbit hole.
As he continues to watch, the doctor withdraws his hand and a moment later a rabbit pops his head out. The doctor knocks it out and puts it in his bag. After watching him catch...

A priest was hunting in the woods.

He searches and searches but can’t find any animals. Finally in frustration he throws his gun down and heads to the stream to cool off. About this time he sees this huge grizzly bear racing toward him.

He falls on his knees and says, 'God please, protect me. I am asking you God, please conve...

2 hunters are duck hunting.....

After a couple hours and missing on several flocks, theyre not having any luck catching anything, one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe we haven't caught anything yet", to which the other responds, "i know right, maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough"

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A guy hears about an "impossible to hunt" bear.

So he decides to go and hunt it.
He goes with his normal rifle and hides on the forest until he sees the bear. He shoots three times, but doesnt hit the bear.
The bear turns back, stands, looks at the now scared guy, nods, and walks slowly to him.
- you just shoot me!- says the bear.
-e...

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.



They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.



The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

Two guys out hunting, one has a heart attack and falls dead.

Second guy calls 911.



Hunter: My friend just died of a heart attack!



Dispatcher: Calm down, first make absolutely sure he's dead.



Hunter: Okay hold on... \*BANG\* Okay now what?

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

An Armenian takes his son hunting with him for the first time.

\- I don't understand, Daddy, - the son says. - How are you going to hunt? You have no gun with you, no traps, no net even...

\- Ah, son, you don't know what our Armenian jinx is like. There, look, a rabbit is sitting under that bush. Such a strong, healthy little rabbit, such shiny fur it ha...

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The hunting license

A hunter went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hunters.

The game warden ordered to the hunter to show his hunting license, a...

A little girl went bow hunting with her Dad,

and when they found two nice ones she put her hair in pigtails.

The duck hunt

An urbanite goes duck hunting in the countryside. When he sees a duck, he takes aim and shoots. But the bird falls on a farmer's estate, and the farmer does not hand over the prey.

"That's my bird," the urbanite insists on his right. The farmer suggests settling the dispute with a kick ...

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Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.

"WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?" Booms the genie, "MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!"

Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.

"Ta Mac",...

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A noble goes hunting...

...with his servant. They haven't gotten far from house when noble realizes that ground is muddy and ruining his shoes.

He tells servant: "I'm going to wait here, run back to house and bring me my riding boots".

Servant, seizing the moment, runs into house and into noble's daughter's ...

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"


The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

Two statistician buddies went duck hunting.

One of them took aim and fired, missing the duck by three inches to the left. The other statistician took his turn and missed the duck by three inches to the right.

After arguing for a while about who missed, they decided to put their heads together to solve the problem. Suddenly, one of them...

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A rich man goes gorilla hunting in Africa.

He's supplied with a guide, a local tribesmen, a dog, and a pygmy with a shotgun.
They find a gorilla in a tree and the tribesman climbs the tree and shakes the gorilla loose. As it hits the ground, the dog runs over and bites it on the balls until it passes out.
The hunter wonders why he ha...

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo

To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to ...

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Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.

She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.

The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was na...

After months of scrimping and bargain-hunting, a woman begged her husband for more money. “Can’t you just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a roast?”

Her husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his wallet and held it up to a mirror. “See the money in the mirror? That’s yours.”

He put it back in his wallet and said, “THIS is mine.”

The next evening when he got home, the dinner table was filled with steak, ham, a huge roast chicken, th...

Doctor goes hunting

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and ...

Two friends go hunting....

While hunting, a bear attacks, mauling one of the hunters before being chased off.

The Survivor calls 911.

Survivor: “My friend's been attacked by a bear and I think they're dead!”

911: “Ok, calm down. Can you make sure they're dead?”

***BANG***

Survivor: “Okay, no...

I tell ya, my old man. He used to take me hunting.

Told me I had a 3 minute head start!

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A man went hunting in the forest.

Suddenly he saw a bear. He tries to shoot it, but the problem being is that his rifle is pretty old, got it from his grandpa. He misses, the smoke from the gunpowder blocks his view. The smoke disappeared, and so did the bear. Suddenly, someone touched the hunter's shoulder. He turns around and sees...

Hunting Trip

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

Hunting gone wrong

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
...

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Watched Good Will Hunting Recently and heard this.

So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the microphone, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know ...

Peruvian owls are always hunting in pairs...

It's because they're Inca hoots!

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting...

The three see a buck a little distance away.

The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck.

The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding...

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Two guys go moose hunting.....

A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.

The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. ...

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A Jew and a Czech go hunting.

They reach a clearing in the woods and spot a deer. The Czech aims his rifle to shoot, when a bear attacks them from behind and eats the Czech. The Jew, scared shitless, runs back to town and tells everyone what happened. After some discussion, the worried townsfolk form a hunting party to deal with...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go hunting

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all went out camping and hunting together. After setting up camp the brunette left to go hunt. 24 hours later the brunette came back with a deer. The others were in awe of the brunette and asked, "How did you do it?"

The brunette replied, "Found tracks, foll...

Two blondes went out deer hunting...

...and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck.

An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll...

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

Two blondes go hunting in the forest...

As they come across some tracks one says

>Hey look, deer tracks!
One says

>You idiot, these are obviously moose tracks!
Says the other.

>Deer tracks!

>Moose tracks!

They started shoving each other and were shouting so much they never heard the tra...

Two rednecks went out duck hunting

After several hours one said to the other "Hey man; this sucks! How come we aint gettin' any ducks?"

And the second said "I 'unno man, maybe we aint throwin' the dog high enough!"

I went house hunting over the weekend...

I went to see a house that had mirrors all over the walls and I could definitely see myself living there.

Three statisticians go hunting

Once they're in the forest, they see a deer.

The first statistician raises his rifle, fires, and misses by ten feet to the left.

The second statistician raises his rifle, fires, and misses by ten feet to the right.

The third statistician jumps up and down. "We got him!"

Putin and Lavrov are going hunting..

Putin and Lavrov go hunting. Suddenly wild ducks appear in front of them. Putin fires several shots at the ducks as fast as he can, but misses every single one... Lavrov sees this, crosses himself and comments : Oi a miracle. Dead, but they fly.

Edit : Translated and adjusted from serbian.

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A physicist, engineer, and statistician go hunting...

After a long day of no luck, they are walking back dejectedly, rifles slung over their shoulders. Suddenly, they spot a deer in a clearing 150 feet away.

"I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer...

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Three Friends Goes On A Hunting Trip.

3 friends are on a hunting trip in the woods. After a successful day, they brought a buck back to their camp to field dress. They then proceed to get drunk and are having a all around good time. One of the hunters announces that he has to take a shit, so he shuffles off into the woods for privacy. S...

The hunt

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but ...

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Two guys go hunting in the woods

When suddenly they see a bear coming towards them. They start running and one of them tells the other one "Shoot it Bob, it's going to kill us". Bob aims at the bear and shoots off it's left testicle. The bear gets angry and runs faster. The other guy once again says "Shoot it Bob, it's going to kil...

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What do you call a donkey hunting rifle?

An ass blaster

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Gorilla Hunting *long*

A very rich man decides that he is going to take a trip to Africa to hunt the legendary Great White Gorilla. But as he has no hunting experience, he places an ad to hire a hunting guide. Days go by and no one answers his ad. The man is scheduled to leave for his trip in 2 days and still not a single...

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Little Johnny goes hunting (long)

One day little Johnny is walking down the street past the Old mans house carrying a roll of chicken wire.

The old man calls out from the rocking chair on his porch "What'ya got there boy?".

Little Johnny says back "I got me chicken wire! I'ma gonna catch me some chickens!".

The ...

A duke was hunting in the forest

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest fo...

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Woody Allen's Moose hunting joke

I shot a moose once. I was hunting upstate New York, and I shot a moose. And I strapped him onto the fender of my car. And I'm driving home along the West Side Highway, but what I didn't realize was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased the scalp knocking him unconscious. And ...

Two men were hunting deep in the woods one late afternoon

As the sun set over the horizon, the two hunters realized they were lost. Finding themselves outside of signal range and miles from civilization, they mulled over their options for rescue.

"Oh," one man perked up, "I remember reading that if you fire three shots in the air, it's a sign of dis...

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A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

A Czech and a French decide to go hunting together.

They happen across two lions mating and slowly back away. Things don't go as planned, and the lions suddenly notice them, each going after a hunter. A park ranger nearby witnesses this act, and shoots both lions, but not before the lions have already devoured their meals. He cuts open the female lio...

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So a rich lawyer from New York is duck hunting in Michigan

and he hits a duck and it falls in a nearby farmer's field. He walks into the field to retrieve his his duck. The farmer walks up and says
"You're on my propriety get off!"
The lawyer replies
"Well I shot my duck and it landed in your field if you stop me I'll take your ass to court and su...

Roy and Ernest went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.



They set themselves up on the edge of a clear...

Three dudes go hunting.

The first morning, hunter #1 heads out into the woods. He’s gone for like an hour, and comes back dragging a handsome 10-point buck.

“How’d you find it?” ask the other two.

“Well, I followed the tracks and I followed the tracks and soon enough, BLAM, out of nowhere there’s this deer!...

A Blond a Brunet and a Redhead all go hunting...

When they get to the camp site, they set up their tents and the brunet immediately goes into the woods with her gun. A few hours later, well past dark she comes back to camp with a huge 8 point deer.
The Redhead and the Blonde are very impressed and ask her how she managed to kill it.
"I fo...

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A man and his friends go duck hunting.

They’re sitting in a duck blind and huge flock flies over them. One of his friends yells “FIRE!”

The man takes his shotgun and hits a duck, but it lands on the roof of a barn. The man walks over to retrieve his duck and is met with a grumpy farmer.

The man says, “Hey me and my buddies...

What does a meteorologist use when they go hunting.

A Rain-Bow

A statistician goes hunting with his friend

After a few hours in the tree stand, his friend sees a ten-point buck. He takes careful aim and fires, but misses the buck by a foot to the left. Fortunately the buck was not scared off, and he quietly reloads and takes another shot. The shot misses the buck by a foot to the right.

The sta...

People who do fossil hunting already have an unfair advantage

The fossils are already dead

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There once was a supercilious king who liked hunting.

To show off his abilities, He went in a jungle to kill a lion with only one bullet in his revolver. He waited in bush for lion to come. After a few hours, a lion showed up. He aimed at lion and fired his only bullet. He missed and lion ran away. He became upset and screamed, "HOLY SHIT, I F\*\*KING ...

Two Native Americans were out hunting.

One of them kneeled down and put the side of his ear on the ground, after a few moments he sits up and says "Buffalo come."

His friend is impressed and asks "How do you know?"

The other answered. "Sticky ear."

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Joe, Chris, and Adam go on a weekend hunting trip

As they are all sitting around the fire telling tall tales, cleaning their guns, and celebrating their successes, Joe suddenly finds himself overwhelmed by nature's call and strikes off into the woods to relieve himself.

Chris and Adam talk about everything and nothing and how their families...

A pair of hunters went moose hunting and chartered a small plane to carry them.

At the end of the day, they had bagged six moose and were abou to load them in the plane.

The pilot disagreed with them, saying the plane could only take four safely.

The hunters argued, saying that last year, the pilot had allowed them to carry all six onboard on the same plane.
...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man whe...

Hunting Fun

Two guys go hunting one day and they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence. The first guy says to his buddy, "Man I'm not gonna lie. It's been a while. This sheep is looking pretty good."

Second guy says, "sure dude. Go for it. I won't tell anyone."

So the 1st guy pulls...

Why didn't the Mexican go bow hunting?

Because he didn't habanero.

A biologist, a physicist and a statistician went hunting

After a good, long while, they found a deer.

The physicist lifted his rifle, took aim, fired, and hit three feet to the left of the animal.

The biologist fired too, and sent the bullet three feet to the right of the deer.

The statistician lifted his rifle triumphantly in the air...

What do job hunting and incels have in common?

They both expect years of experience from a first timer.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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Two men go hunting in the woods

After a couple of hours, one of them goes into the bushes to take a leak. The man's buddy hears a scream and runs up to him.

"What happened to you?" the buddy asks.

"A snake bit me in the dick!" he answers, pointing to the snake, kicked to death. "Call 911!"

The buddy picks up h...

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

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A hunter tries a new hunting spot

It's a beautiful and large forest,

"I'd be sure to find some deer in here" he thought to himself

After a few hours trying and failing to find any deer the hunter realized he's hopelessly lost. He decides the only way out is to get someone's attention. He aims and fires three times int...

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A Hunting Story

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awake...

Did you like Good will hunting?

I loved it. We did it every payday when I was a kid

Cougar hunting

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was
killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their
fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the
cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both
jumped up and shot ...

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A hunter wants his wife to go hunting with him

His wife says she doesn't want to go. The husband replies, "Well, if you're not going with me. I want either a blow job or to butt fuck you, your choice. I'm going to go outside and get the dog ready."

So while the husband was outside, the wife thinks about it for awhile and decides to give h...

Two guys are out hunting deer.

The first guy says "Did you see that?"

“No" the second guy says.

“Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead.”

“Oh.”

A couple of minutes later, the first guy says "Did you see that?"

“See what?"

“Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill,...

Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.

The statistician goes "Nice job guys...

Four rednecks are out deer hunting.

After reaching the land where they will be hunting, they pair up and head in opposite directions. At the end of the day Cletus and Billy Ray are walking back to the truck empty-handed when they see Bubba emerge from the forest alone, dragging a very large buck behind him.

"Where's Junior?" C...

A chemist, physicist, and statistician go hunting.

They are behind a bush and all three see a 12 point buck off into the distance.



The chemist stands up and shoots at the deer but misses 50 yards to the left.



The physicist stands up and shoots at the deer and misses 50 yards to the right.



The statistician...

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

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An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

An 80 year old man goes in for a physical

And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?"

And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting."

"Well maybe genetics has something to do ...

In Transylvania. We go hunting for bear!

Father tells son:

Son! We go hunting for bear! Bring the dog, rope and the gun.

So the boy asks: Why we need the dog and the rope?

Because, when we go hunting for bear. The bear will be up on the tree. I climb up, shake the bear down. When the bear falls the dog will bite his n...

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

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A man takes his friend hunting.

Boudreaux takes his buddy Thibodeaux hunting with him one day. Thibodeaux is new to hunting and is very tired from getting up early. They split up and start hunting for the day. After a few hours, Thibodeaux needs to take a shit. He squats against a tree and starts to go, but he falls asleep mid pro...

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.

They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the dee...

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because




ROBOTS CAN...

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A man joins a new hunting club.

His first night at the lodge, he asks around for the guy with the best hunting stories.

“The man over there in the wheelchair is named James. He’s 90 years old and has been hunting all over the world for 70 years. He’s got some great stories”.

So the man walks over, introduces himself...

Two political rivals are out hunting

For publicity...
One of them falls out of his spot high in a tree.
The other one calls 911 and says “I think my friend, my dear old friend has died!”
The operator then says “you need to check to make sure he’s...”

He interrupts and responds “okay hold on.....<bang!>”

Oka...

I was illegally hunting for mushrooms.

I have questionable morels.

A Hunter

A man goes hunting and runs into a bear. He takes dead aim and fires. When the smoke clears, he sees no bear. The bear taps him on the shoulder and says: bend over or I eat you. The next year, the hunter brings a bear gun, sees the very same bear, takes dead aim and fires. When the smoke clears, the...

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Two guys were out hunting; one of them, Ralph, goy bit on the penis by a snake.

While Ralph writhed on the ground, the other guy, Ted, called poison control and asked what to do to save his friend.
The guy on the phone tells Ted that he needs to score the bite and then suck the poison out.
After a few uh-huhs and nods, Ted hangs up the phone and looks at Ralph with big s...

A cattle buyer goes on his annual hunting trip

A cattle buyer and his buddy decide to go on their annual hunting trip in the wilds of Canada. They always went pretty far out from civilization to hunt moose and had to hire a small Cessna and pilot to take them out so far. Contracting a guy, they fly out and booth shoot and kill the limit, a moose...

Three men go on a hunting trip in the woods...

They gather around the fire at dusk. They eat and drink and tell stories. Then slowly the fire goes down, and they finish their drinks. The men have no more stories to tell, and boredom starts to take over.

"ENOUGH!" Says the first man, standing up. "We should do something! I bet the two of ...

What do you call hunting for fish in Chernobyl?

Nuclear fishin'.

Bob and Jim go hunting.

After spending several hours wandering through the woods, they become thoroughly lost in the wilderness. Disoriented, they sit down to discuss what to do next.

"Hey, I have and idea," says Bob. "If we each fire three shots into the air, someone will hear them and come to help us." So each ...

I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

**Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine...

*Pause for comedic value*
<...

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Boudreaux and Thibodeau go hunting one weekend

While out in the woods, they are able to track and kill a deer that morning. While Thibodeau is gutting the deer, Boudreaux feels nature’s call and tells Thibodeau he has to go pop a squat. So, Boudreaux finds a tree a little bit away and does his business. However, he falls asleep!

Thibodeau...

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Stanley...

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, a...

Four doctors are sitting in a boat in the reeds, duck hunting.

The family practitioner spots a flock of fowl flying overhead, turns to the specialist and says: "I think those are ducks. I need a second opinion."

The specialist says: "I can schedule you in for a consult in two months."

The surgeon picks up his shotgun. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!!! Three of t...

Two guys are out hunting in the middle of now where...

After climbing a particularly steep hill to get a vantage point, one man collapses. He then starts frothing from the mouth and convulsing.

Managing to get one bar of service on his mobile phone, the other man dials emergency services.

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Man: I...

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2 hunters chat about their hunting stories

2 hunters talk about what has happened to them and the first one says... "Once, when I was in Africa and I was hunting I feel something is behind me... so I turn around and see a huge lion right behind me ...so I start running in order to escape but it was getting closer and closer but when it just ...

Two Inuits are whale hunting

They have been out all day in their little boat. The wind starts to whip up and it's getting very cold. Their whale-skin coats aren't even cutting the chill. With each blast the cold eats at them. All of a sudden one of them jumps up and starts building a fire in the middle of the boat. He strips al...

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

He said that he was willing to prove it if they would pay for the drinks a...

A blonde, a brunette and a red head go hunting....

A blonde, a brunette and a red head go hunting....

The first day, they set up camp and the brunette goes out on her own. Later that afternoon, she returns with a deer in tow! "Wow," said the blonde, "How did you find that?!"

"It's easy," said the brunette, "I just followed the tracks!"...

Deer Hunting

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only t...

A guy goes with his girlfriend to stay at her parents’ house for the holidays

The couple live in the city and the parents live on a farm. The boyfriend is unused to the quiet country life and after a couple of days he’s pretty bored. His girlfriend’s father comes in and says “Hey young fella if you’re looking for something to do, why not take the dogs out for a bit of hunting...

An engineer, a carpenter, and a statistian go deer hunting

As they wait in their blind a big buck walks up. The engineer stands up, takes a shot, and misses. "Darn," he says, "two yards to the left."

The carpenter takes a shot and misses. "darn, two yards to the right," he says.

The statistician jumps up and yells "YES! We got him!"

A guy was hunting with his buddy ...

“Hey man I can see your house from here and your wife is cheating on you!”

“I have had enough of her, shot her in the head shot him in the balls.”

“I can get both in one shot.”

Hunting accident

Two oldtimers Bill and Ted, are out in the woods hunting deer, having a few beers and remembering days gone by.

Suddenly Bill clutches his chest "Aaarh my heart, I think I'm dying, help Ted" and down he goes, out cold no pulse.

Ted grabs his phone and hits 911 "help, I'm in the woods a...

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