I feel sorry for kids who used to eat chalks and crayons when they were little.

They must have dyed inside a little.

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Holy shit! Have you heard about chalk boards?

They’re remarkable!

A group of first graders come in from recess

Once they all sat down the teacher grabbed a piece a chalk and walked to the chalkboard. "Jimmy, what did you do for recess?" Jimmy replied, "I played in the sandbox." "Very good, the teacher said, If you can come to the board and spell sand I will give you a cookie". Jimmy approaches the board and ...

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A man walks into a bar, pulls out a piece of chalk, and draws a line on the floor.

He then stood on the far side of the line and faced the door. People came in, took a look at him, and then walked around the line to go order their drinks. Eventually, a man walked in, approached the man, and stepped across the line.

Immediately, the first man took a swing and laid the second...

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A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes...

His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.

To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money. "S-s-sold then a-all!", he says.

The salesman chalks it up to beginners luck, and hands the stutterin...

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A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks t...

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side.

Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"

Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per...

I like to draw shapes in the sidewalk with chalk...

But the street is where I draw the line

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New inmates are lined up to go into prison

Guard in front yells "Everyone have your personal effects out for inspection! You ate allowed ONLY ONE item!"

Towards the back of the line a new inmate asks the guy in front of him, "Hey buddy....what you bringing in?"

The reply was "pastels and chalk. Gonna teach myself how to draw. ...

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband lo...

Classroom

In a grade school classroom the teacher asked each of her students to come up to the chalk board and draw a picture of something that they talked about with their parents the night before.

The first little girl came up to the board and drew a cat. The teacher asked "what is that?" The little...

Every night before bed, daddy tucks in his daughter and reminds her to say her prayers...

Every night, his daughter finishes her prayers with "I love you mommy, I love you daddy, I love you grandma, and I love you grandpa."

Then one night, peculiarly, she says, "I love you mommy, I love you daddy, I love you grandma, goodbye grandpa"

"What?" says daddy.

"I just said ...

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Tithing

A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are discussing tithing. They draw a circle in chalk on the pavement below them.
The Catholic says: "We should take the money and throw it in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we give to God."
The Protestant says: "No, we should throw it in th...

A man draws a line on the cement with chalk, he then thrusts his fists at it.

Thats the punch line.

I write out all my jokes in chalk because it helps me refine them...

But this one is going nowhere so it's back to the drawing board.

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

A child was recently forced to write on the chalk board until he died

He was sentenced to death

An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.

The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lor...

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A Piano Bar Needs a Piano Player NSFW

A man is walking down a busy street in St. Pete and see a chalk board sign out front of a pub that reads “Piano Player Wanted”.

The man walks into the bar and it’s empty other than the bar owner setting up chairs in front of the stage with a piano on it. The owner says “sorry sir we don’t o...

In a classroom...

The girl students were really upset and shouted together in class in unison for justice. The agahst teacher asked for a reason. They asked him to look at the blackboard in which was written in bold "**50% of girls don't have brains**", which the girls asserted was the job done by boys on purpose....

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide & seek...

Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting.

While Pascal runs off and hides, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly one meter, and then sits down inside the square.

When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ...

Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.

Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.


Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.


"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha,...

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A school hired a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college.

On the teacher's first day, the principal decides to sit in her class to observe and takes a seat next to Little Johnny. As the class progresses, the teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board. Suddenly, she drops the chalk on the floor and bends down to pick it up. When she straightens back ...

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There was this woman that would go jogging every day.

She’d jog the same exact distance, the same exact route, at the same time each and every day. One day she notices on the pavement below her, as she jogs by, it is written in chalk “WILL”. She doesn’t think anything of it, and continues. The next day, when she’s jogging, at the same exact spot on the...

What do you call a chicken's sidewalk drawing?

A chalk-a-doodle-do!

(Credit: My 6 year old daughter who makes up jokes while we're driving. Proud parent moment, she is getting to be one of the best pun-slingers I know)

Little Johnny strikes again

Teacher: why did you laugh?
Boy #1 : I saw a strap of your bra.
Teacher: GET OUT. Suspended for one week.
Boy #2 laughs.
Teacher: why did you laugh??
Boy #2: I saw both straps.
Teacher: GET OUT. Suspended for 1 month.
She bends down to pick up a chalk and Little Johnny gets up a...

You're It!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to be it, so he closes his eyes and starts counting, “Eins, zwei, drei…” Pascal runs off and hides under a big bush. Newton runs over to a nearby driveway, takes out some chalk, and draws a box around him that is one meter ...

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to ...

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A blonde and a trucker get into an accident on the highway

A blonde is taking her new sports car out for a drive on the highway. She cuts off a trucker and causes him to almost crash. The trucker angrily yells at her and motions for her to pull over.

They both pull over and get out of their vehicles. The truck driver takes a piece of chalk and draws...

Einstein dies and goes to heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,

"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to

sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a ...

Back in my day we used to only have chalkboards. The new whiteboards they use are

Remarkable

A student is failing an exam, so he decides to make a bet with the proffesor

He walks up and says: "lets bet on a 'C' that I can break your desk with one hit using my left hand". The proffesor says: "There's no way, lets bet". The student swings his left and and karate chops the desk in half.
Then he says:"Wanna bet on an 'B' that I can hit my head through this chalk boa...

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide and seek.

Einstein starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs to a nearby bush and hides.
Newton stands right behind Einstein, takes out a chalk, and draws a perfect one meter by one meter square on the ground around himself.

As Einstein reaches 10, he says,
"Ready or not, I'm coming to you! Or...

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Wife goes to the doctor complaining that her husband farts unbelievably in his sleep. It smells so bad that it has become unbearable sleeping in the same room.

She tells the doctor that her husband won't come to see a doctor because he doesn't believe he has a farting problem.

Doctor suggests some pills but the wife refuses saying that the husband won't take them. The doctor, confused as why then she is there, tells her jokingly, "why don't you the...

Einstein, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek...

and it’s Einstein’s time to seek.

He counts to 20, opens his eyes and turns around, only to find Newton standing in a chalk-drawn square on the floor. Einstein asks why he didn’t hide, because now he’s been found and already lost.

But Newton replies ‘No you haven’t because I, Newton, a...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon...

Einstein is bored, so he suggests a game of hide and seek and pretends to be "It". The others agree, so Einstein begins counting, "One...Two...Three.."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide. But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid sized square. He finishes an...

Newton ,einstein and pascal were playind hide and seek

It was Einstein's turn to seek, he starting counting 1,2,3 Pascal scurried away while Newton brought out a chalk and a drew a square and a boomerang and stood inside the square.

99, 100... Einstein turned around and said "I found you Newton"

Newton : "no, I'm a Newton over a meter squa...

I gave my mute classmate a blackboard to communicate...

But he still won't chalk to me.

My grandad lost his job after the war as a coleman's mustard powder salesman.

His boss told him to mix it with other cheaper powders like flour and chalk but grandad was an honest man, and would only ever sell genuine 100% pure stuff.

His boss fired him as he plainly didn't cut the mustard

Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiously loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says,...

How to blackboards communicate?

They chalk to each other

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While a blonde was driving her car....

One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck and cut him off couple of times. The truck driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.


He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leav...

What did one piece of limestone say to the other?

"I think we need to chalk..."

A police officer pulls over a man...

Officer: Sir, you were swerving quite heavily back there. I would like you to take this breathalyzer test.

Man: I'm sorry officer, but I can't do that.

Officer: Well why not?

Man: I have asthma. If I do that I'll have an asthma attack and die.

Officer: Ok. How 'bout we go...

A psychiatrist in a mental asylum wanted to test the sanity of the patients

He gathered the patients in a room, then drew a door on a wall with a chalk. He pointed at the "door" and told the patient, “open this door and you are free to leave through it.” The patients then beging to fruitlessly trying to open the fake door, exept for one patient who just sit in place watch...

Something exciting

The third-grade class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes ...

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There was once an artist in San Francisco...

Every Saturday he would visit Pier 39 and silently sculpt statues of sea animals. But at the end of each session instead of selling these statues he would splash colorful paints on them and then brutally attack the pieces with various tools and only THEN open the items up for bid.

On one Satu...

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Newton, Galileo, and Pascal walk into a bar...

They sit down at a table and order drinks, the server tells them it will be a few minutes.

Newton suggests playing a game while they wait.

Pascal says, "how about hide and seek?"

Galileo agrees excitedly, "you two go hide, I will stay here and count to ten."
He closes his ey...

Little Johnny and the drawing project

One morning to spice things up, teacher decided to have a classroom drawing project. One person would start, then the next student would add to the drawing. She asked the students who wanted to start first, so little Johnny raised his hand. Knowing little Johnny had a disturbed mind, she decided ...

A priest, a pastor and a rabbi talk shop.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbi were seated at lunch during am Ecumenical congress. After a short period of weather talk they soon were talking shop.

"So, I was wondering how you guys go about distributing the collection monies between the church and God" said the priest. "What we do is draw ...

I may have witnessed the exact moment my high school became racist.

It's when they changed all the blackboards into whiteboards. There's no way they could just chalk it up.

Einstein, Picasso and George W. Bush stand before the Pearly Gates

Einstein, Picasso and Bush stand before the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter gets out to greet them and says: "I'll let you in, but first you have to prove that you are who you say you are."

Einstein: "That's easy. Could you give me a blackboard and some chalk, please?"

St. Peter snaps h...

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The Mathematician from Brooklyn

A mathematician hailing from Brooklyn, NY gets invited to the annual conference for mathematics, statistics and logic. Upon arriving, he notices that a world-renown professor is hosting what was listed as "The Unbeatable Brain-Teaser". He decides to sign up, and gets in the single-file line for a on...

Deep Sea Diver

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a moment later.

The diver went down even farther and the same guy was right behi...

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Was told this joke a couple of years ago and I still find it funny. (Kind of really Long)

So there's three guys in a car. One is a scientist, one a mathematician, and one a truck driver. Suddenly, one of the tires gets stuck in a pothole, the car flips over and they all die. They ascend to heaven and the guy at the gate tells them "There's only room for one of you here. You will all h...

A stressed out businessman decides to have a drink on his lunch break to relax...[LONG]

And he finds this hole-in-the-wall-bar. Besides the bartender who is steadily washing glasses behind the end of the bar, he is the only one in there.

He sits at the end of the bar nearest the entrance and orders a whiskey double. The bartender says, "Here you go, pally. If you need anyth...

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Take another card.

Rob is a rather successful small business owner living in the assuming lands of the mid-western United States. One day, as he arrives at his modest office and sits down at his modest desk and begins his modest work for the day, he hears a rather booming voice say, "SELL YOUR BUSINESS, ROB!" Startl...

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My trigonometry teacher was just removed from class...

He was caught writing really graphic things on the chalk board.

Can someone integrate this equation?

This joke comes from my father, who taught at a mostly black high school

During a calculus lecture:

"Can someone come to the board and integrate this?" he says, pointing to an equation

He looks around, wondering why no one has answered

Once again, he asks "Can someone com...

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3 men go to the red light district...

An 18 year old boy, his father and his grandfather decide to have a men's night to celebrate the boy's 18th birthday.
After quite some drinks the grandfather boasts: "When I became your age I was taken to the hookers and made a real man!"
They agree that that would be a suitable way to end the...

A man walks into a bar...

As he enters, he notices the smallest person he's ever seen sitting up on the bar playing a tiny piano. Not wanting to offend he ignore's him and asks the bartender for a drink. After an hour or so drowning his sorrows the man asks the bartender for the rest room.

The bartender says: "It's i...

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Sandwiches

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sandwich board outside of a bar. In big chalk letters, the sign reads:

"Ham sandwiches, $5. Handjobs, $20."

The man excitedly rushes inside and takes a seat at the bar, where he's greeted by an attractive blonde bartender.

She asks...

The man and his new car.

A man is driving his new car home. He is spotted by a police officer who thought that the car was stolen. He pulls the man over. He draws a circle in the ground with a piece of chalk and tells the man to stand in that circle until he was told to come out. The cop smashes the windscreen and turns aro...

Yesterday, radical Islamists attacked an art gallery near Dallas that mocked Muhammad. Police managed to shoot and kill the terrorists.

My favorite drawings of Muhammad at the exhibit were the two chalk outlines out front.

All scientists in heaven were playing hide and seek...

It was Einstein's turn to seek, so he went to a corner and started counting down from ten. All other scientists ran away hurriedly, except Newton.

Newton calmly took out a piece of chalk from his pocket and drew a square on the ground with each side one metre long. As soon as Einstein was ab...

An officer and a DUI

Having had a good lashing of booze at a village pub, a good local boy gets in his car to drive home. He's swerving all over the place, barely missing tree after tree. A police patrol spots him, pulls him over and ask the man to step out of the car.

"Excuse me sir, we have reason to believe y...

There's a car accident in a neighborhood

A guy in an old, beat up station wagon rear ends another guy in a brand new Porsche. Both drivers get out of their cars to inspect the damage and they see that the back of the Porsche is totaled but station wagon's front fender doesn't have a scratch on it.

The owner of the Porsche is livid w...

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A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over...

A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approaches the car, the drunk man jumps out of the door and tries to make a run for it. The cop, furious, catches up to the drunk man and brings him back to his car.

The officer proceeds to reach into...

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