My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

Retraction

The following headline appeared in the daily newspaper and threw the city hall into an uproar: "Half the city council are crooks."

A retraction in full was demanded of the editor under the threat of a libel suit. Next afternoon, the headline read, "Half the city council aren't crooks."

We’re in for a really cold New Year’s Day

When they try to drop the ball at Times Square, it will retract up.

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

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A teacher sent out an announcement that her class will have a day off tomorrow.

One of her students comes home to tell his grandfather. *I don't have to go to school tomorrow, can you take me to the park?* He agrees.

He immediately calls his secretary at work. *Something came up so probably we can't meet up at the hotel tomorrow, let's do it some other time?* She agrees....

Why shouldn’t you make a agreement with wolverine ?

Because of his retractable Clause

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To the bitch that stole my ruler

I'll retract from attacking you right now, but when I'm ready, you better square the fuck up.

The Tortoise challenged the Hare

The Tortoise said “race you home!”

The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a lawyer, whenever someone asks me the joke "why did the chicken cross the road," this is always my response.

As counsel for the chicken, I have advised my client to invoke its 5th Amendment right to remain silent. The chicken with neither confirm nor deny crossing the road, nor the existence of the road thereof. Your concept of ‘crossing’ and ‘road’ do not rise to criminal conduct in any jurisdictional cou...

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Old man and the IRS

Grandpa gets an audit letter in the mail and shows up to his appointment at the IRS building with his lawyer. They enter the room, sit down, and the IRS agent starts to question them.

>*IRS Agent*: "**Well, sir, we think it is a little odd that you have no official income, but are able to...

The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards.

The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so.
The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye.
The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off...

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A man goes to the doctor to inquire about male enhancement.

"Doc," said he, "I'm tiny. I can't satisfy my wife, and I'm ridiculed in changing rooms. I've tried every drug and herbal supplement, to no avail. I want to look into surgery."

"Well," said the doctor, peering at the man's twig-like member through a magnifying glass, "You're in luck. there's ...

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Topical Jokes (5/21)

Here we are, once again. It's time for some laugh-words.

First up, we've got some big movie news. "Transformers 4" is now updating its cast. To appeal more to the US box office, the evil Decepticons will be played by menacing vending machines that won't let go of your Doritos.

More mov...

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NEW OFFICE POLICY 2013 Dress Code

ALL EMPLOYEES

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manag...

Cowboy Singer

There was this country singing cowboy in a dark saloon one night. He got up to play and announced his first song,

"I wrote this one a long time ago, its called 'Ol' Boil on My Foot is Burnin'"

The audience had a general look of confusion but the cowboy went on to play most beautiful, ...

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