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Old man’s sitting on a porch when he sees a young man walk by, dragging something behind him

Old man says, “What you got there?” and the young man replies, “Chickenwire.” Old man asks , “What’re you doing with chickenwire?” Young man replies “I’m going to catch me some chickens.” The old man laughs and says “You ain’t catching no chickens with chickenwire.

Sure enough, later that eve...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.

The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?


The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one

I got dragged off to Stockholm once and I hated it.

As time went by, though, I really grew fond of the place.

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I will no doubt be hunted down and dragged behind a pickup truck until I die for this.

What's the difference between a redneck and a hillbilly?

A redneck puts on a condom before he fucks his own sister.

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

If I was a Drag Queen

My name would be Lola Bido.

An Aligator and a Monkey meet by the river. The monkey is smoking something.

Aligator: Hey, what have you got there?

Monkey: I've got some of that good stuff man, it's that OG kush everyone's been talking about, you'll take one puff and you're gone! I'm telling you!

Aligator: Nah, mate,that's bull, lemme try some tho.

Aligator pulls once, nothing. Twice....

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Why would you call him, he can't come over.


Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Last place you put him.


Where do you bring a dog with no legs?

Drag race.

At the Pearly Gates in Heaven

The first applicant of the day at the Pearly Gates explains that his last day was not a good one...
“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she w...

A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door

Then struggles to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:

"You were really drunk ...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give...

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

A man is watching his neighbor as he is dragging a Christmas tree across his driveway into his house.

He tells his neighbor, "Wow, that's such a big tree! Are you going to put it up yourself?"

The neighbor replies, "No, I'm going to put it up in my living room."

When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:

"I did it for the car, ma!"

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A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

"911, what's your emergency?"

Drunk redneck, "Send help, my buddy just fell and hit his head on the sidewalk. He's bleed'n like a stuck hog!"

911, "Okay sir, what's your location?"

Drunk redneck, "We're at the corner of Sycamore and Vine."

911, "Okay sir, I'm going to need you to spell that for me. "

...

A woman is mad that her husband is preoccupied with snooker and is ignoring her in bed...



She's had enough and decides that tonight is the night she gets some love in the bedroom. She dresses in the most seductive lingerie she has, pours two glasses of their favourite wine, and waits.

The man comes home after midnight where she meets him at the door. "I'm sick and tired of...

A known criminal walks into a restaurant

A known criminal walks into a restaurant on a cold Sunday morning.
The owner immediately calls the cops on the criminal.
While he is being dragged out by the cops he asks the owner "is this how you treat your customers, are cops the only thing on the menu"

The owner replied with just ...

Three kids are outdoing each other bragging about their fathers....

First kid says: My dad is the fastest. He’s a drag racer and can do a quarter mile in 9.6 seconds

Second kid says: That’s nothing! My dad is a fighter pilot and regularly breaks the speed of sound.

Third kid says: My dad is heaps faster than both your dads. He’s a Council Worker. ...

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A man is resting on a Saturday

A man is resting on a Saturday when his wife comes in, wakes him up and tells him she needs laundry detergent.
He reluctantly gets up, gets dressed and exits his apartment on the 10th floor. He presses the elevator button only to find out it’s broken, he goes down the stairs and goes to the supe...

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The tale of Daniel Morgan

This is a tale of Daniel Morgan,
Who had a tiny sexual organ
This gave the girls a sudden shock
When they held his tiny cock,
He laboured hard to find a cure
And poulticed it with fish manure
He tied it up with bits of string
But still it was a poor wee thing
It was j...

My wife caught me dressing in drag and decided that we were over.

So I picked up her stuff and left.

My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette...

and every night we go out for a drag.

Why don’t you want to listen to a dragon’s story?

Because they tend to drag-on

Why do cavemen drag women by their hair?

Because when you drag em by their feet, they fill up with dirt!

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

A phycopath was dragging a young woman into a dense, dark forest in the middle of the night

Woman screaming: I'm scaared!!! I'm so scared!!!


Yeah lady, sure, YOU are scared...Just imagine I will have to make the trip back all by myself!

The legend of the three kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake.For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lke.One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.

The ni...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

My friends dragged me to an elephant boxing match the other day...

... I had a terrible time. It was impossible to tell the fighters apart; they both had gray trunks!

An English Pilot is Stranded Behind Axis Lines

After a week without hearing anything from his side, he begins to despair. Just when he's about to give up, he manages to find a plane in pristine condition! After familiarizing himself with the controls, he takes off towards home, with the enemy none the wiser.

However, on the way back, he i...

Three guys are driving through the desert in an old Jeep when it breaks down 50 miles from the nearest watering hole.

Guy 1 claims “it’s only 50 miles to water, grab what we need to protect us from the heat and let’s walk” he gathers up a water container and car seat blanket and sets off.

Guy 2 thinks for a while and then decides to follow, so he grabs an old umbrella from the trunk and follows guy 1, please...

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

A man is stranded in the desert with nothing but a camel.

As the days drag on, all alone with no sign of civilization in sight, the man becomes increasingly lonely. One day, the feeling is so strong that he loses his better judgement and decides to make love to his camel.

So the man pulls down his pants and positions himself behind the camel. Then, ...

I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down

mountain climbing with a friend is hard

A man buys a brand new sports car and on his first drive overtakes a pick up truck from the wrong side.

The truck driver is huge and has anger issues. He gets furious, speeds up and decided to teach the man a lesson at the next stop light just a few miles ahead.

They reach a red light where the pick up driver pulls ahead of the car. He steps out of the trucks and drags the man out of the car. H...

Achilles was actually a drag queen.

His heels were killing him.

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A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

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Today is Jacob's birthday,

So his wife decided to surprise him, she took him to a Strip-Club House.

At the club -

DOORMAN: Hey Jacob! How are you?

WIFE: How does he know you?

Jacob: We play Golf together!

BARTENDER: The usual beer Jacob?

WIFE: And how does he know you?

Jacob: ...

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A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub

The Englishman decides to leave and drags everyone else out with him.

What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?

One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

All conspiracy theories were proved wrong. Trump will manage to stay in power by...

... dragging the vote count until 2024!

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye.Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he's temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him u...

Why do dragons never finish anything on time?

bc they like to drag on and on.

Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson are solving a mystery

Sherlock: all the bodies were outside he school gates

Watson: how do you know that? I don’t see them.

Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson, I can see blood that must have congregated around the bodies forming these shapes *points at the ground*

Watson: well what else do you know?...

A young boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog on a leash behind him

A young boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog on a leash behind him. He goes straight up to the pimp and says: "I need a girl for an hour.".

"Haha! You've got to be joking boy, you're just a kid!" replies the pimp.

Boy throws a pack of money onto the table.

Pimp: "Well, ...

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The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

Why are drag queens such good swimmers?

Because they're very flambuoyant.

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Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

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What do you call a cow...

...w/ no legs? Ground beef.

...w/ 1 leg? Stake.

...w/ 2 legs? Lean beef.

...w/ 3 legs? Tri-tip.

...w/ 4 legs? A cow, you dummy.

...w/ 4 legs in the air? High stakes.

...w/ 5 legs? Chernobull.

...w/ no hind legs? An udder drag.

...w/ a twitch? B...

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A Russian joke (sorry if a repost)

One day a Soviet Party member is walking through red square when he hears a man shout “down with the tyrant with the mustache.” Immediately the party member drags the man to Stalin and explains what he said. Stalin, furious asks: why did you say that? The man replies he was talking about Hitler. Sta...

the puppy test

Before you get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wee...

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What’s grey, weighs 500 pounds, and drags along the bottom of the ocean?

Moby’s Dick

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barmaid comes to take their order and the Englishman says "w-w-w-what are you, you, y-ou two h-aving?". The Irishman says "B-Bushmills, m-m-mate" and the Scotsman says "M-M-Mackeson's, th-th-thanks," and the Englishman says to the barmaid, "A-a-a B-ushmills, a, a, a, M-Mackeson's and a, and an, ...

An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.

The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".

The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"

She replies, "Would you be OK ...

Inspired by “Vulture Culture”: two vultures are boarding a plane, one of them is dragging a dead chicken. The gate attendant stops them and says:

I’m sorry sir, but this airline does not allow carrion.

Just a week after joining the Bloods, a rival gang member tied me to his bumper and dragged me around town.

It was a Crip-pulling experience.

A man walks down the streets of New York dragging a dead horse.

A passer by sees the scene and intrigued goes and asks "What are you doing dragging a dead horse in the middle of the city streets?"

Man says "Help me cross it the street and I'll tell you."

Passer by helps him out "Now will you tell me?"

Man says "Help me get it up to the 5th f...

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It was hot today, so I dragged a box fan from the basement and lifted it into a window to suck the warm air out of the house.

It was exhausting.

The former presidents are having lunch (Credit u/ThePerfectSnare)

**Bush**: Now, being president isn't as easy as it looks. It's like they say, you can drag a horse to water, but... but you have to hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

**Obama**: I, uh... I appreciate any guidance you and the other presidents are willing to offer me.

**Bush**: ...

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Eyelids (sorry if repeat. Just remembered an old joke because of current circumstances)

So my cousin was in this crazy ass accident. His house was on fire and he went back in to save his daughter. Crazy as fuck. Dave ran in there, was able to save his little girl, but he got crushed and pinned under some beams and shit. The firemen were able to drag him out but he was badly burned. Wor...

Why are drag queens such terrible liars?

Because even after covering up what they don't want people to see, they can't keep a straight face.

Even Santa can have a bad day.

There he was one Christmas Eve many years ago, he'd had a runner break on the sleigh and had elves working round the clock to fix it; the toy workshop had a hole in the roof and half the year's run of toys were ruined by rainwater; two of the reindeer had colic and he had to drag two elderly ones ou...

There was a very wealthy Count named Carl.

He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from.

One day, some law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanded to know where it was coming from. Count Carl refused to tell them, howe...

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A young boy walks into a Brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him...

He approaches the Madam of the Brothel and promptly asks for a girl. The woman looks him over and says "I can't do that for a boy of your age". The boy drops a wad of cash in front of her and repeats his request. The madam ponders, and then tells him "alright, first door on the left". Before the boy...

A man visiting a farm notices a pig with only three legs.

He asks the farmer about the pig.

"Ah", says the father, "that pig, he be a mighty pig, that one. When me 'ouse got on fire that pig rushed in and dragged me and th'wife to safety. A miracle pig, he is."

"But that doesn't explain why he has three legs," said the man.

"Aye, a m...

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An elderly man went

to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the elderly man.

"Because it’s not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I really need it," said the man.

"Why do you need it so badly?" aske...

A fisherman’s wife gives birth to a healthy set of twins.

After some time, they notice that one boy always faces toward the ocean and the other always faces away. Even if the parents were to turn them, they would always reposition themselves. So the name the boys “Toward” and “Away” respectively. On the twins’ tenth birthday, the fisherman takes them on a ...

What’s the hardest part about drag racing?

Running in heels.

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A father is called into the principle's office because his son is in big trouble.

The father sits down next to his son with the principle across at his desk.

"We caught your son selling pot for 15 dollars a joint out back. He's permanently expelled. You're lucky we didn't call the cops."

The father looks at his son with horror and disgust. He gets up quickly and dra...

Such a drag

Drunk guy, sitting at a bar, gets cut off. When he goes to stand up and protest, he falls flat on his face. Saying to himself, “Holy sh!t I’m boxed!” When he goes to pick himself up he finds that he can’t stand up. So, he drags himself all the way back home. When he’s finally there, bloody knees and...

Do you know what the opposite of a drag race is?

I don't, but the truck driver passing another on the interstate sure might.

I like drag racing

Dressing up in women's clothing and driving down the street full speed

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My Father’s Favorite Joke

One day, a man goes to a remote village and goes to the pub. He is completely taken with how incredible the bar is. Eventually he speaks to the barman and tells him how he has travelled the world but that this is the most beautiful bar he has ever seen. The barman says:
“You like this bar, hr...

This kid is dragging a chain down the road

and it's bangin' and clanging and making so much noise. An old man pops out of a house and shouts "Son, why you gotta drag that chain?" and the kid replies "Sir, have you ever tried to *push* a chain?"

A wife finds a bathtub on her kitchen table.

A wife comes home and finds her husband sitting next to a new bathtub on the kitchen table. Shocked, she asks him where it came from.

“Well,” he says. “I went out today to pick up some tiles for our bathroom. So, I walked around the store, looking for the perfect color, when I saw the perfec...

The hangover man woke up in the morning with a big headache.

He barely opened his eyes and looked around, straightening up.
A glass of water and two aspirin stands on the nightstand. Her clothes were clean and ironed on the chair at the foot of the bed.
While drinking the aspirin, the note on the bedside table caught his attention;
"My darling, good ...

A friend asked if I'd like to go drag racing,

I had to politely decline.

I can't even walk, never mind run in high heels

My cousin got mad this week, he thrashed someone with his dead phone.

He had a good lawyer and his phone was dragged to cord and charged with battery.

The Attorney's Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to...

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I hate when my wife drags me to a dance class.

She knew I was paraplegic when she married me.

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A little kid goes goes fishing with his grandfather

When they get to the fishing spot the grandfather lights a cigarette. The little boy asks “can I have one of those”. The grandfather takes a drag and asks “Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole”? The kid immediately says “No” and the grandfather says “then you’re not old enough for these”....

I saw a little Mexican kid get dragged into a white van

Talk about Alien Vs Predator

DRAG QUEEN NAME

Came up with a great drag queen name :
Jenna Talia

Cavemen had a specific reason for dragging their women by the hair...

...they filled up with dirt when drug the other way.

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Two men both drag their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1968."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

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[NSFW] Anything you want

My wife left for work this morning, and almost immediately I got a call from my next door neighbour telling me to come around quick as she needed my help.

So, I knock on her door, and she opens the door in a robe and immediately drags me into the living room. She then drops the robe to revea...

Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition?

He is an expert at hiding nuts.

Three men go on a hunting trip in the woods...

They gather around the fire at dusk. They eat and drink and tell stories. Then slowly the fire goes down, and they finish their drinks. The men have no more stories to tell, and boredom starts to take over.

"ENOUGH!" Says the first man, standing up. "We should do something! I bet the two of ...

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An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at suns...

Jack emigrates to a strange new country in search of a job.

When he arrives at the terminal, the customs officer gives him one piece of strange advice before he enters the country.

“Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck”

Jack thought this advice was strange, but as he walked out the airport he saw thousands of ducks flood his view, so much so t...

I've been doing some drag racing recently.

It's quite the transsport.

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My ex begged me frequently to drag my balls across her face(nfsw)

Turns out she's sackreligous.

United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane"

Largest bill for Chinese take out to date

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My girlfriend just said “if you don’t get off

My girlfriend just said “if you don’t get off reddit and spend some time with me I will drag your fucking face all over the keyboard”

I wish that bitch would ejgeaohevr no so e djdueudbbbdudj gduenrklwahvdhdirnvehhgyhjkshdusbsbdhsj Shieksbsvisbshdowlwnjd
Hdueveiskj jehwiwowlbdhdiencqudkki...

How low is Disney willing to drag down a beloved franchise like Star Wars just for money?

Solo

I tried drag racing the other day

It is murder trying to run in heels.

There was once a very lazy man

This man was so lazy eventually his father has enough. He put him in a sack and dragged him down to the river and was about to throw him in when a passerby noticed. "What're you doing with this man?" He asked. "He's very lazy he doesn't do anything I've had it with taking care of him and feeding him...

A man is walking down the street dragging 20 ft of rope behind him.

His neighbor is curious & asks, "Hey buddy, why you pulling that rope?"
The man replies, "You ever tried pushing it?"

My wife dragged me to a classical concert.

Me: I hope this concert has a lot of ado.

Her: Huh?

MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado....

Me: F*ck.

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

Why did the man name his no legged dog "Cigarettes?"

Because he liked to take him out for long drags.

What do you call a grandma drag queen from Massachusetts?

A Nantucket.

What is the main difference between a drag show and a drag race?

The phrase "I blew a tranny" means something totally different.

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After suffering a stroke, a man was dragged into hospital by an ambulance

On the way to his ward, he passed a room where a man was vigorously jacking off; he asked the nurse "what's he doing?".



The nurse replied" he has a condition where he gets severe pain if he does not masturbate every 15 minutes"




"Oh, my bad."



Later ...

There was once an old farmer whose only virtue was 3 beautiful daughters.

One night, they were all going out on dates with their respective beaus. There came a knock at the door, and he answered.

“Hi!” said the young man standing there. “My name’s Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. we’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?” “Yes, I’ll go and get her” said the farmer....

In the news there was this young boy who almost drowned, but was dragged out of the water by the balls.

Both the boy and his parents thanked Mr and Mrs Ball very much.

Donald Trump hired a group of drag queen sheep...

They were called the “Fake Ewes”

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car

Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.

Operator: What is your location sir?

Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.

Operator: How do you Spell that sir?

Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so....

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What is giant, pink and drags across the ocean floor?

Moby's Dick

This year, for pride month

This year, for pride month, my company had "Coming out day." I went into the office and knocked out every person I saw until security dragged me out.

I came out swingin'.

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