Achilles was actually a drag queen.

His heels were killing him.

My wife caught me dressing in drag and decided that we were over.

So I picked up her stuff and left.

Why are drag queens such good swimmers?

Because they're very flambuoyant.

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A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

He grabs the guy’s cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.

The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my...

I have a dog with no legs, I named him cigarette

Because every evening when i get home from school i take him for a drag

Do you know what the opposite of a drag race is?

I don't, but the truck driver passing another on the interstate sure might.

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What’s grey, weighs 500 pounds, and drags along the bottom of the ocean?

Moby’s Dick

I like drag racing

Dressing up in women's clothing and driving down the street full speed

My grandfather adopted a legless dog and named him Cigarette.

And after a long day, he goes for a drag.

Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?

Because if you drug them by their feet they'd fill up with dirt

The worst drug in the world

is the one people use incorrectly as past tense form of the verb to drag.

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Two boys...

Two boys an 8 year old and his 6 year old brother are talking one morning and the 8 year old says “today at breakfast to mess with mom we should each say a cuss word. I’ll say hell and you say ass.” The 6 year old agrees.
So they go downstairs to the kitchen and the mom asks the 8 year old “what...

Two Dragons walk into a bar

Dragon 1: It’s a bit hot in here

Dragon 2: Shut your mouth

A friend asked if I'd like to go drag racing,

I had to politely decline.

I can't even walk, never mind run in high heels

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer"

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer "
The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "

The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit ...

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...

A drag queen walks into a bar...

He said to the bartender:"I want to eat, drink, and be Mary."

Such a drag

Drunk guy, sitting at a bar, gets cut off. When he goes to stand up and protest, he falls flat on his face. Saying to himself, “Holy sh!t I’m boxed!” When he goes to pick himself up he finds that he can’t stand up. So, he drags himself all the way back home. When he’s finally there, bloody knees and...

What’s the hardest part about drag racing?

Running in heels.

DRAG QUEEN NAME

Came up with a great drag queen name :
Jenna Talia

I tried drag racing the other day

It is murder trying to run in heels.

I hate when my wife drags me to a dance class.

She knew I was paraplegic when she married me.

How low is Disney willing to drag down a beloved franchise like Star Wars just for money?

Solo

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My ex begged me frequently to drag my balls across her face(nfsw)

Turns out she's sackreligous.

Donald Trump hired a group of drag queen sheep...

They were called the “Fake Ewes”

Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition?

He is an expert at hiding nuts.

Did i ever tell u about the time i went to see a drag race?

Yeah... I wasnt expecting to see a bunch of dudes dressed as ladies heading for the finish line.

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Two men both drag their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1968."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

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What is giant, pink and drags across the ocean floor?

Moby's Dick

What I don't understand about drag racing

is why they're all dressed like women.

I've been doing some drag racing recently.

It's quite the transsport.

Did you hear about the scottish drag queen?

He wore pants.

Tapeworms built a plane, but it didnt fly very fast.

Turns out they forgot to account for parasite drag.

What's the difference between a weed and a lion in drag?

One is a dandelion and one is a dandy lion!

What is the main difference between a drag show and a drag race?

The phrase "I blew a tranny" means something totally different.

What do you call a drag queen with a cold floating in a pool?

Phlegmbouyant

My girlfriend tried to drag me to yoga with her...

I said, "namaste here".

Why are dragons such good story tellers?

Because they have long tails

I went to a drag race yesterday

It's amazing how fast men can run in heels.

Say what you will about drag queens...

but they get into more woman's pants than I do.

SPOILER ALERT:

I just had a piece of metal fitted to the back of my car to reduce drag and increase fuel efficiency.

Drag slicks are a lot like condoms...

...you don't really mind a broken one until you realize how expensive it's going to be.

Golf "is" a drag

Bob and his three golf buddies were out, playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong?

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, then...

A physicist, engineer, and statistician go hunting...

After a long day of no luck, they are walking back dejectedly, rifles slung over their shoulders. Suddenly, they spot a deer in a clearing 150 feet away.

"I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer...

They're giving Caitlyn Jenner ANOTHER TV show

Apparently, they have her competing in the Olympics again. It's going to be called "Drag Races".

There was once an old veteran who had 3 beautiful daughters.

One night, they were all going out on dates with their respective boyfriends.

There came a knock at the door, and he answered.

“Hi!” said the young man standing there. “My name’s Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo, we’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?”

“Yes, I’ll go and get he...

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A terrible joke

My friend was really mad at me because I was masturbating while sniffing his sisters underwear I think it was because she was still in them. It really made the rest of her funeral a real drag.

Years ago I used to do a lot of drag racing...

...buy I kept tripping in those high heels

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An older gentleman walks in to a bar and spends the night drinking...

As he finishes up his last drink the bartender says, "Rich, you want me to call your wife to come pick you up?"

Rich responds, "Nah, I'll get home just fine."

He takes his last gulp and lifts himself from the bar stool only to collapse on to the floor.

The bar tender rushes ov...

An old lady is walking down the street when a mugger grabs her, drags her into an alley, and starts groping around down in her bra.....

The old lady asks, "What the hell are you doing!?"

The mugger says, "I'm looking for the money!"

The old lady replies, "Well, keep that up and I'll write you a check!"

Jesus and Moses decide to go fishing

Both sitting in a little boat, in the middle of the most beautiful lake in heaven, they start reminiscing about their days on earth. “Back on earth, I once stood on the shore, raised my arms and the sea opened up so I could walk across”
“You think you can still do that?” Asked Jesus.
Moses tho...

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There was a guy who wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little.

Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it’s a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!

“. . . On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again…”.

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy b...

Tony Stark's drag queen name.

Fe Male.

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In the middle of a summer, Bubba and Billy Ray are fishing in a lake, while a tourist on water skis keeps doing circles around their boat...

Bubba eyes the tourist, and, after a while, mutters:

"That guy sure's scarin' away all them fish with that racket..."

"Sure is," Billy Ray agrees.

"Say," Bubba suggests, "why don't we smack an oar next time he passes us, an' splash him?"

Billy Ray likes the idea, and they...

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Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

The endless hole

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how l...

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A man goes to a camel service stop

He tells the worker "My camel won't walk, can you help?"

"Sure" He signals to the automotive lift "Put the camel on the lift"

The man drags the camel on the lift and the worker slams the camels balls with 2 bricks and it runs off

"How am i supposed to catch it now?" To which the...

Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.

Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.

"What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!"

Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf... we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and...

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The Pope wakes up one day and decides he doesn't want any Jews in Rome

The Pope calls the Rabbi for Rome and informs him of his decision. The Rabbi protests and says "Wait, that's it, we're not even gonna talk about this?" So the Pope asks what he wants to do and the Rabbi says that he wants to have a debate the following week. The Pope agrees and they part ways.
...

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

What do you call men in women's clothes running

a drag race

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.

The doctors saved his life, but he lost one eye. Before a nice glass one could be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.

Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and ...

My friend took me water skiing behind his boat.

When I fell, my foot got caught in the line and he thought it would be funny to drag me around like that for a few minutes.

With friends like that, who needs enemas?

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarl...

A horse and a chick are playing in a meadow...

After a time, the horse gets stuck in the mud. Frantic, he tells the chick to run to the farm and get the farmer to pull him out.

The chick runs as fast as her little legs will carry her and reaches the farm to find the farmer is nowhere to be seen. She finds an open window into the farmhous...

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out.

So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from t...

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A friend confided in me

that the only way he could get off was to crap himself and drag himself across a room in a zigzag pattern. He asked if something was wrong with him.
I told him he was fine, he was just into some kinky shit.

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I was told by my therapist to stop listening to Africa

but it's gonna take a lot to drag me away from it

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill
So Jack could lick her candy
But Jack got a shock
And a mouth full of cock
Cause Jill’s real name is Randy

-told by a local drag queen. Happy pride month!

I'm pleased with it.

(Came up with this earlier today and told my 14 year old daughter. She was not impressed.)

I'm going to write a new movie script. It will be about a locomotive that breaks down and must, by pure manpower alone, be pulled back to the rail yard.
I'll call it "How To Drag Your Train In."

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