The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

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Some people claim that cosmetics often contain small traces of manure.

I believe that's bullshit.

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over Lon...

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

I can trace most of my problems back to my parents...I'm not sure if they hugged me too much, or too little when I was a kid.

Either way, they should have been wearing clothes.

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A recent study shows people with trace amounts of Arsenic, Selenium, Astatine, and Erbium have the longest lasting relationships

The best couples always have an AsSeAtEr

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What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

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Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizoph...

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

One night, my dog brings me my neighbour’s rabbit, dead in its mouth.

It’s dirty, definitely dead and I’m a bit drunk so I panic. My neighbours hate me anyway. This could get me evicted.

So I take the rabbit, meticulously wash off the dirt and dry it. Then I sneak over the fence and put it back in it’s hutch, leaving no trace. Job well done.

My neighbour...

The origin of CrossFit can be traced all the way back to ancient Rome.

Take Jesus for example, he fit nicely on that cross.

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

A mexican magician was doing a disappearing act.

He started counting down: "Uno, dos" and he left without a trace

A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day...

He discovered he was a tad Polish.

Women and their husbands...

Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up. "It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."

"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next h...

After having dug to a depth of 100 meters in a mine, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years...

After having dug to a depth of 100 meters in a mine, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English sc...

Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.

He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

Did you hear about the frog that traced his lineage back to Warsaw?

He was a tad polish.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

A new study has shown banana skins contain traces of LSD...

I guess that explains why people are always tripping on them

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For sale: Beginner's level sketchbook of male nudes

**May contain traces of nuts*

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

A man stumbles out of a bar just before closing time.

An officer was already outside, waiting for drink-drivers. She watches as the man nearly trips down the stairs outside the bar, stagger over to his car, and fumble in his pocket for his keys.

Looks like I've got one, the officer thinks to herself.

15 minutes later, closing time finally...

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"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

So, a man who's afraid of snakes was walking down the river on a hot summer day.

Seeing crystal like waves flowing through the river, he felt an urge to swim.
Not far, there's a local old man resting under a tree. So he went to him and asked, "Mister, is swimming in this river safe ? Are there any traces of snakes ? "
The old man replied "You needn't to worry about any sn...

Tim and Edward decided to team up in an attempt to steal an expensive jewel.

It belonged to a woman in their neighborhood. Her house was fairly isolated so they decided they could proceed during the day. The woman seemed a bit careless and had no security system set up, so they easily got in and out of the house with the jewel.

Back to a safe place and out of view o...

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

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A vacuum cleaner salesman

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door
Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet and said
If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it I'll personally eat what's left
I replied I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning

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My Pal drew a penis on my face while I was sleeping

I told him he drew it pretty well. He said “thanks I traced it”.

Did you hear about the man who would draw without a rough draft?

Of course not. He disappeared without a trace.

A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.



Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.



"These bird...

The Grim Reaper

A woman was sleeping at home with her lover, she suddenly hears her husband knocking on the door, so she immediately makes a prayer "God, please hide my lover and take whatever you want from me." The grim reaper shows up infront of her and says "I will grant your wish, but only on one condition, aft...

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Death is inevitable

The Pacific and Atlantic Oceans start a conversation.

Atlantic: What's up Pacific?

Pacific: I'm not doing too well.

Atlantic: What's the problem.

Pacific: What's the problem? Well I'll tell you what the problem is. Everything is more complicated than you think. You only s...

A man gets pulled over for speeding

The police officer walks up to the car and asks the man why he got pulled over.

"Yeah, I was speeding, I always drive a bit faster after I've had a few beers"

The cop was stunned, "you mean to tell me that you were under the influence of alcohol?"

"Yeah I needed something to eas...

Women are like snowflakes

Every one I touch suddenly disappears without a trace

A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes.

Once he arrives, a nurse asks him for a urine sample. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. You're diabetic." She says.

Disappointed, the man manages to reply, "Well, I...

In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards.

Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.

My dad is the world's greatest magician..

He told me to close my eyes and he dissapeared without a trace for over 23 years.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch. They get to talking about which civilization was the most technologically advanced.

The Englishman proclaims, "Surely England was the most technologically advanced nation. Why, our archaeologists dug 1,000 meters into the earth un...

Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiously loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says,...

3 men were standing at the Pearly gates when St. Peter asked them what happened...

The 1st man says:

"I walked into my apartment and found my wife naked with her clothes all over the floor along with another man's clothes. Enraged, I ran around the apartment trying to look for him but I couldn't find any trace of him. In my anger, I was able to lift our refrigerator and thr...

My friend the electrician

I had this friend in school. Great guy, always cracking jokes. Life of the party. But after we finished school, we went our separate ways. I went off to university, he became an electrician. About a year later, we were both in our home town, so we decided to catch up. It was just like old times, he ...

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Three blondes were walking through the woods

Three blondes were walking through the woods after a snowfall. They come across some tracks and stopped to inspect them. The first woman walks up to them and crouches to get a better look.
"These are definitely raccoon tracks," she says. "I'd bet my life on it." The other two look at them skept...

You know you might have a drinking problem...

When you go to the doctor and he informs you that they found traces of blood in your alcohol stream

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The Cheese Test

A young herdsman wanted to get married. Now he knew three sisters. All were equally beautiful, and he liked them all equally well, so he could not decide which of them he should choose as his bride. His mother noticed this, and she said to him, "Let me give you some good advice. Invite all three sis...

Guardian Angel

A man was walking by a construction site when he heard a woman yell "STOP!!!" The man stopped abruptly, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in his path. He looked around but saw no trace of the woman whose voice he heard.


A day or two after that, he was driving to work. In the midst...

A group of 8 year old kids mysteriously get drunk at a slumber party

A boy has 5 of his friends over for a slumber party. His friends mom buys the kids two 2 liter bottles of Root Beer and begins serving it to the kids. Before the kids get through the first bottle they begin to act drunk, and the parents begin to notice that they smell like alcohol. One of the kid...

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How to get into a girl's pants.

1. Start off with casual conversation.

2. Ask her questions, PERSONAL questions about herself and her lifestyle, and make sure to look her in the eye.

3. Do not initiate physical contact at this moment.

4. Figure out whether or not you want something from this girl from this sta...

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The resuce expedition

The rescue expedition have been sent to find a plane which crashed somewhere deep within the jungle.

There was no success, but members of the expedition haven't lost faith until the end. When they finally found the place of the disaster, they saw a horrific picture. Burnt-out trees, parts of ...

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There was a special forces competition...

And USA, Russia and China got into the finals.

For the finals, the question was this:
Go into the forest, and find the rabbit.

So the Russians went first.

They brought with them 100 of their finest and searched the whole forest, inch by inch they looked for traces of the rabb...

A man goes to a French market

He wanders around the market, looking for ingredients to make a fish stew. He buys some carrots, onions, and even a few exotic spices. But he still needs to find some fresh fish. He heads over to the deli where he sees an amazing arrangement of meats, cheeses, and of course, seafood. He asks the man...

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A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face? Are you depressed?"

The horse, being used to this shitty joke shrugs it off and says "No, I don't think" when suddenly, poof! He disappears without a trace

I would have explained the philosophy behind this at the beginning but I didn't want to p...

Keith Richards recently went to the doctor

They were surprised to have found traces of blood in his heroin stream.

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On a late Saturday evening

On a late Saturday evening in a pub, a man and a woman, total strangers to each other, met in a bar. As usual, they talked, drank, flirted … and eventually as the evening progressed, they started kissing. With the natural flow of things, they ended up in his apartment. Before things were getting hot...

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