What do you call someone who works for U-Haul and doesn't appreciate poetry?

An unmoved mover.

What do you call a truck that hauls Kosher goods?

A Semite truck.

A young construction worker was bragging...

A young construction worker was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He kept making digs at one of the older workmen. Eventually, the older man had enough.

“Put your money where your mouth is,” he said, “I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow ...

Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck.

I think he's trying to bust a move.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father and teenage son are on a cross-country long haul...

A father and teenage son are on a cross-country long haul for the fathers work. After driving a few hours and it being the middle of the night, the father finds himself a little sleepy at the wheel. He whistles out loud and out from the back a monkey jumps out and starts giving the father a blowjob....

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to anothe...

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

Paddy’s night in Dublin

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fal...

The long haul

an airplane is shipping a large amount of bricks, when suddenly the pilot yells over the intercom "the plane is going down we need to lower the weight" what do you do?

*throw out one brick*

how do you fit an elephant in a freezer?

*open the door, let him in, shut the door.*
<...

A man is on a long haul flight, late at night.

The air hostess notices he is the only one awake and approaches him.

She offers a glass of whiskey, and advises that each drink come with a small bowl of cashews, to which he accepts.

He takes a sip of his drink, then all of a sudden hears a voice say to him;
"You smell beautiful to...

[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

On may way to work today I passed a police officer that had pulled over a U-Haul....

I think he was trying to bust a move.

A penguin is driving through the desert...

He's cruising down a long stretch of highway when all of a sudden his car starts billowing smoke out from under the hood. The car starts sputtering, and being so far from home and in such heat, he starts to worry about his own safety. Luckily, as his car starts to come to a halt, he notices a gas st...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band plays, the mayor makes a speech--- the whole works. Makes the front page ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Uncle got pulled over by a motorcycle cop for going 25mph over the limit

The cop storms up to the drivers window and yells “GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDNT HAUL YOUR ASS TO JAIL RIGHT NOW!!” My uncle replies “Cause id look pretty stupid on the back of your bike.”

I used to work as a coast guard. There's one rescue mission that sticks in my memory.

A ship carrying a huge haul of industrial strength glue got into trouble just off the coast where I was stationed.

The weather was the worst I'd seen it, and one of the containers of glue had fallen from height and smashed into the hull, covering a number of the crew members in glue and knoc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's a new helper on a construction site.

As he has very little experience, he is given to a mean old fitter. All day long the old fitter is, pick up the crap, bring me my wrench, and the kid gets fed up and said "what makes you so special, why you have to tell me what to do all the time?" The fitter says, "because I am smarter than you", "...

Three workers show up for their first day in a mine

The foreman eyes them up to determine their respective roles. There’s a Polish man, Irish man, and a Chinese man.

“Kowalski, you’re a big guy. You’ll swing the pick and chip away at the coal” says the foreman.

“OKeefe, you’re strong too. Shovel the coal in this cart and wheel it up to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Farmer's Dilemma

A farmer had some wolves take out a couple of his best young chickens, a pullet (young female chicken) and a cock (male chicken). He heard that his neighbor down the road had a few fine chickens for sale so he decided to walk over to see if he could strike a deal.

The farmer arrives at his n...

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

An American, Mexican, and Italian robbed a bank...

They escaped with a haul of dollars, pesos, and lira. Back at their hide-out, the American distributed the money in three even shares.

“1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos for you, 1000 lira for you... 1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos for you, 1000 lira for you...1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos fo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Practice!!!

A farmer sees an advertisement for a virile rooster and immediately buys it. Upon returning home it puts him into the hen pen and goes for his noon siesta.
Upon returning he finds that the roster has fucked every single one of the 50 hens. The farmer is shocked but satisfied that he'll have a ric...

Two farmers are walking through a field...

Two farmers are walking through a field and come across a huge sinkhole in the ground.

“Wow!” says the first farmer, “I wonder how far down this thing goes.”

He takes a penny from his pocket and throws it into the sinkhole. The two farmers listen, but they never hear it hit the bottom...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Michael Jackson, Jared Fogle, and Bill Cosby walk into a bar and see Chris Hansen.

Michael cautiously sits down.

&#x200B;

Jared hauls ass immediately.

&#x200B;

Bill casually sits down and says "He can't bust me. I only rape adults."

An Honest Mistake

A truck driver is pulled over for having an unsecure load of donkeys on his trailer.

When the cop asks him why he pulled him over, he replies:

"I'm sorry sir, I didn't realize it was illegal to haul ass."

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.
Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within tra...

God notices that heaven was getting too crowded...

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

So the other day Mick and Paddy were walking down the road...

...when they came across two blokes on a bridge. One was holding the other by the ankles over the edge, and the other fellow had his hands in the water.

Curious, Mick and Paddy watched them for a while until the bloke dangling from his ankles began to scream "Pull me up, pull me up quick!"...

A guy pulls a tiny piano from his trench coat and places it on the bar...

A few people stop to watch what he's doing. He then reaches in and pulls out a tiny piano bench. By now a crowd of people has gathered to see what is going on. Finally the man pulls out a man that is about a foot tall. The little man sits down and plays the most amazing piano that anyone has ever he...

What happens when a donkey smuggler is chased by the cops?

They haul ass

The talking dog....

A guy goes into a bar with his dog. The bartender immediately tells him that dogs aren't allowed inside. The man protests "but this is a special dog, he talks."

The bartender is suspicious, so the man asks the dog "How would you describe sand paper?"

"Ruff" says the dog.

"What i...

There once was a man named Ivan who lived with his family in a Siberian forest...

After years of living in the harsh region, Ivan became rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardship.

He was large, muscular, and able to chop down a fully grown Siberian pine tree with one swing of his axe. This came in handy as Ivan had to chop down many trees to be used as fi...

An environmentalist and a lumberjack are having a discussion on women.

They both are having a tough time talking to women, so they decide to offer each other advice.

Environmentalist: "So what's your best pickup line?"

Lumberjack: "It's more of a steel cable I tie to my truck to haul logs"

Environmentalist: "No I mean what do you first say to them?...

Why are human traffickers hard to catch?

They know how to haul ass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The story of horse and chicken (long)

Horse and chicken were the best of friends and loved to play together all day on the farm.
one day, while playing near the swamp, horse gets too rambunctious and falls in the swamp up to his neck. Slowly he starts to sink, and as he sinks, he starts yelling to chicken. "chicken! chicken! quick...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Midlife crisis

A man turned 40 and had the classic midlife crisis. He went out and bought a red convertible sports car. While driving his new car on the highway he decided to speed up and have some fun. Sure enough he heard the siren and saw the flashing lights behind him. In a panic he pushed the gas to the f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The hunter who didn't care

There was a hunter who simply didn't care.

One day, the hunter who didn't care was out hunting and bagged several animals that he intended to sell for furs. And when I say many animals, I mean *many* animals, well beyond his legal limit. But, alas, he didn't care. He just kept waiting for ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men are speeding when they get pulled over......

The driver tells his passenger, "I'll take care of this." As soon as the cop approaches, the man leans out and tells the cop, Just to let you know, I have a loaded gun in the glove box."

The cop orders them out of the car, face down on the sidewalk, cuffs them and backs over to his radio to c...

One Day at Work...

...a man hears a Ghostly Voice speak to him: "Quit your job, sell your car, sell your house, take the money and go to Vegas..."

Figuring he was just sleep deprived, he ignored the Voice, but the next morning, he heard the same voice: "Quit your job, sell your car, sell your house, clear out y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.

When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.
The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lets hear your best "Yo momma" joke

Yo mamma's so fat, when she hauls ass it takes two trips

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Cod Captain and His Seamen's Semen

Several centuries ago, Irish fishermen sought fortune fishing cod off the coast of Newfoundland. During the long cross-Atlantic journey, many captains worried about their men after so much time away from their wives.

One devoutly Catholic captain was especially concerned that his men might re...

Two men are walking through the forest when they stumble upon a large sinkhole.

Guy says, "Woah! This thing looks deep; how deep down do you think it goes?" The two men search around for a long stick or branch to assess the depth, but find nothing of use. They continue their search and they stumble across an old, rusty anvil; and naturally, they haul the anvil over and toss it ...

One day a priest was walking on a pier when he noticed a guy in a boat fishing

He waves to the fisherman, and the fisherman asks him if he'd like to join him in the boat for a little angling. The priest enthusiastically agrees but explains that he's never fished before. The angler says he'll teach him.

On his first cast, the priest hauls in a really big fish. The fisher...

The ice fishing contest

An ice fishing contest is held between Norway and Sweden. The teams from each country get up early and set up their gear at opposite sides of a lake.

After about half an hour, the Norwegians haul up their first fish. The Swedes can hear them cheer from across the lake. Then another one bites...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

No fuck no ride

So this lonely trucker is on a long haul with his parrot when he comes across a sexy hitchhiker so he pulls over and says to the girl hey how ya doing? Need a ride? She smiles and says yes to which he asks wanna fuck? She replies hell no so he tells her no fuck no ride. The parrot goes off screechi...

A woman was pulled over for speeding...

When the officer reaches the vehicle he informs the woman that she was driving more than double the speed limit and asks to see her license and registration. The woman refuses to produce them and, when asked why, states that she doesn't have a license or registration and that the vehicle is stolen. ...

British Airways bags the best in-flight service award!

On a long haul UK flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him, in five minutes.

However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was.

Meanwhile, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
===========
If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
===========...

Jesus and Moses Sit On A Boat Enjoying Retirement

**JESUS** Hey Moses, do you still, you know..... have it?

**MOSES** Have it?

**JESUS** Ya Ya.... You know.... That "trick" you used to do.

**MOSES** Oh buddy, I've still got it.

Moses moves to the front of the boat, shakes out his hands, claps them together and slowly sep...

man drives his father casket back to mexico...

Man puts the casket in his truck and hauls his father from oklahoma back and gets pulled over in texas.

State trooper pulls him over. He asked the man for his license and registration with proof of insurance.

Man pulls out his credentials and hands it to the state trooper.

Troop...

Great free find today!

Was on my way home from a friend's house today, and ran across a free 60 inch flat screen TV, just sitting on the side of the road next to a U-Haul truck.

A birthday gift for a friend

I have a buddy who is a bit of a beer snob. For his 30th birthday, he asked for a six pack with a matching pint glass from each of his friends. I decided I would drive a couple hours to pick up his gift from his new favorite brewery (which happened to also be my new favorite brewery.)

I had t...

I had this phone conversation the other day.

Me: “Consider this: like, right now, as we speak, there are human beings, like you and me, living in outer space. How crazy it is that we, as the human race, have collectively gathered the resources and technology required to haul dozens of tons of materials, entire habitats, up 350 thousand kilomet...

With love

A very rich woman has three possible suitors for her daughter, and decides to test them.

One day, she takes the first one for a walk. She asks him all kinds of questions about his future, education and feelings for her daughter. She's got a good feeling about him, when suddenly an idea strik...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The results from the 2016 Presidential Election are in...

Turns out no one in the fucking country voted, so President Obama took it upon himself to come up with a way to decide the next President. He told Bernie, Trump and Hillary that they would have an actual race. One lap around the White House and the fastest time would be the next Commander In Chief.<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yet another Genie joke...

A fellow is walking along the beach, in a really foul mood. He sees something shiny sticking out of the sand, and he hauls off and delivers a mighty kick.

It's a genie's bottle, and it goes tumbling across the sand. The cork pops out, and what appears is one very pissed off genie.

...

Three guys are in a boat on a lake in Minnesota, fishing.

It's an extremely hot day so they drink a lot of cold beers. One of them stands up to relieve himself over the side, and he falls in and sinks. After a minute, the other two dive in and look for him. Finally one of them finds him at the bottom of the lake, and hauls him to the surface, where the two...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up for work, and in the shower he hears a voice in his head

"Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas" the voice says.

The man is confused, but shrugs it off and assumes he just imagined it. He gets out of the shower and brushes his teeth. After he gets dressed, he heads into the kitchen to make a quick breakfast. As he's looking in the fridge, he he...

The City-Slicker and the Farmer

One year, a man who lived in the city decided to try his hand at deer hunting. He bought all the the necessary equipment, a license, and a rifle and headed out to the gamelands a good distance away from the city.

After a full day's hunting, the man spots a gorgeous buck and manages to make ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy and his baseball glove.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?

"Yes it is," the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black boy is in the kitchen with his grandma ...

... who is preparing cookies. There's a big bowl of flour into which the boy sticks his hands, then he smears them around on his face and says, "Look grandma, I'm a white boy!" With a stern look of disapproval, she tells him "Go into the living room and tell that to your daddy!"

Dad's in his ...

A Firefighter, a Sheriff, and a Paramedic are trying to get into heaven...

St. Peter greets them and tells them regardless of their heroic acts, they'll need to be able to count to ten to get into heaven.

The Sheriff goes first. He hauls out his Colt .45 and counts the shots, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Let me try again!" So he reloads, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Nope, I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A longhaul trucker with a trailer full of chickens is driving to Chicago...

A long haul trucker with a trailer full chickens is driving to Chicago with a parrot on the dashboard. As he's driving, he sees a woman at the side of the road with her thumb out. He pulls over to the side, and the woman gets in.

Trucker: Do you have money?

Woman: No.

Truck: Su...

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the swamps of Louisiana. She really wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes to bring back for her boyfriend but didn't want to pay the high prices the local stores were charging.

After becoming very frustrated with the local shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, ...

The Desert Goat Hole

So there's these three guys walking through the Arabian desert, and they've completely run out of water.

They manage to keep walking until they spot a well out in the distance.

They excitedly hurry to the well only to find out that it's too deep, and they can't even see the water at ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Grandpa gave us all a good laugh with this one tonight.

So there's this guy who just bought a grandfather clock, its an old, one of a kind piece. After the transaction was complete he hauls the thing outta there. While he was just outside of the door this drunk stumbles up and bumps into him. knocking the clock to the ground with a loud bang and a snap. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There were these two brothers, always up to no good.

They lived in a small town, where every time something went missing or something was vandalized or any mischief was made - they knew it was these two boys. Their poor mother was at her wit's end. She decided to ask a local preacher to talk to them. He agreed but asked to see them one at a time, the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Rooty the Rooster [NSFW]

Farmer John found himself in a bit of a rut. His crops weren't yelding like they use to, cattle prices had hit an all time low, and he was really strapped for cash. After discussing it with Mrs. Farmer John, they decided to salvage what they had, sell the farm, and move to greener pastures. He kisse...

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a...

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a doctor because he'll treat her better.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a banker because he's a better long term investment.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a mechanic because he'll know how to service her undercarria...

Two Newfies are moose hunting...

When they stop for a bite to eat. One newfie opens up a thermos and begins to pour out some soup.

"Whaddya got there George by?"

"Oh dis is me Thermos Steve by, keeps me hot stuff hot and me cold stuff cold! You should get one fer yerself by."

So the next day they are in the woo...

What does the license plate of the sheep farmer say?

Ewe haul.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cereal Anyone?

Two young brothers are talking. The older brother says, "You know what younger brother? I'm tired of being treated like a kid, so I'm going to take up swearing. The first thing tomorrow I'm going to say 'hell'."

The younger brother always goes along with his older sibling and does not li...

A young man buys a silver mine...

A young man heads out to Utah looking for adventure, and he finds a sign in town advertising an abandoned silver mine out in the desert. Intrigued he decides to go check out the mine, and finds the walls absolutely glittering with silver. He rushes back to town and buys the mine, and then goes to th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Grandpa was remembering as a boy

his Momma would give him a $1 bill to go and get groceries at the corner store.
"I'd haul back 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 1/2 dozen eggs.
But now, sadly, you can't do that.
Too many fucking security cameras!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman and her husband find a magic mirror at a garage sale...

The wife asks the owner, "what's so special about this mirror that it's $50?" The owner says "it's a magic mirror, it will grant you any wish." After a little discussing the husband and wife decide to purchase the mirror.

They haul it home and hang it on their bedroom door. "Try it out," the ...

Two robbers, Hank and Jeff, break into a jewelry store.

They start taking everything they can get their hands on without triggering the alarms. Hank spots a gold necklace with a huge emerald, the price of which would allow them to live in luxury for the rest of their lives. It was obviously well-secured, however, and Jeff tries to convince him that it's ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke about Martin Luther King

Frank is on vacation in an oceanfront town, and lucks into a parking spot right near a pier. After taking in the view for a few minutes, he wanders into the small town and looks at the touristy shops. One antique shop catches his eye, so he walks in. Most of the stuff is pretty dusty and useless, bu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar carrying a briefcase.

He pulls up a stool at the bar and orders a drink. He opens his briefcase and a tiny little man about a foot tall climbs out, hauls out a tiny little piano behind him, sits down on a little stool and commences playing a flawless Chopin etude. All this time the guy down the bar is staring in amazem...

What kind of vehicle did they use to transport prisoners to concentration camps during the holocaust?

Ju-Haul

An Olympic swimmer...

...is on a cruise ship, when it hits a reef and sinks. Bobbing in the waves, he spies an island in the distance, makes for it, and barely gets ashore. All he finds on the isle are fruit trees, a female sheep and a big dog. The fruit trees provide sustenance, but he starts to feel lonely. The sheep h...