The 85+ Best Pencil Jokes

I would tell you a joke about a broken pencil...

but there's no point.

Where do pencils go on vacation?

Pencil-vania

My friends are getting tire of me always talking about sharpening my pencil...

...but really, I'm just trying to make a point.

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil.

It wasn’t 2B.

A blind girl lost her pencil, her ring, and her dog, what did she lose first?

Her eye sight

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

I was going to try to post a joke about sharpening pencils in the dark...

But I couldn’t see the point.

I want to design a pencil with an eraser on both ends.

People say it’s pointless though.

Why did the pencil become a philosopher?

It always had a point

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

Why is the eraser sold separately from the pencil?

Because you have to pay for your mistakes.

My wife has been penciling in her eyebrows lately… I think that she draws them a little high, so I told her.

She just looked at me surprised

What did the pencil say to the sharpener?

Without you, my life would be pointless.

Y'all hear the joke about the broken pencil?

Eh, it's pointless

why did the pencil stink?

…because it was a No. 2

I had to get my blood drawn at the doctors office the other day

And the nurse didn’t even bring her colored pencils.

Why did Shakespeare only write using quills?

Because pencils confused him.

2B or not 2B? That is the question.

I own a pencil used by William Shakespeare

He used to chew on it a lot though, so I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B

I’ve been wondering why no one gets the jokes I write

Then I looked down at my pencil and realized I didn’t really have a point.

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

I made a pencil with two erasers

It was pointless

I refuse to use a pencil and a ruler on anything but paper...

that's where I draw the line.

A pencil and a scissors are having a debate.

Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

Did you hear the joke about the unsharpened pencil?

Eh, never mind. There’s no point.

Did you hear about the man who got depressed after he lost his favourite pencil sharpener?

Everything seemed pointless!

What do you call a pencil you've just thrown out the window?

I don't know. But it's certainly not stationary.

Someone stole all the pencils at the police station

Detectives have no leads.

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John....

A pencil isn't John Wick's primary murder weapon.

But it's definitely number 2.

What do you call a pencil with erasers on both sides?

Pointless, like your comments lol

What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and life

They’re both pointless
*NYEH* *HEH* *HEH*

I threw a pencil yesterday

I suppose you could say it wasn’t stationary anymore

One of Shakespeare's original pencils is going up for auction

Problem is its very chewed, so nobody can tell if its 2b or not 2b

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Doctor

A doctor walks down the hall, and pauses to look at a chart at room 35. A nurse stops and says, "Doctor, you should not ever put a thermometer behind your ear like that"

The doctor reaches up and pulls out the thermometer, and says, "Oh no! Some asshole has my pencil".

I've decided to marry a pencil

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

Three men were challenged to an art contest, they each had a piece of paper and a pencil, the theme was a TV screen, however, one of the men did nothing with his paper, when the judge saw it, he was dissapointed at first, but after he explained his idea to the judge, he was impressed and he won...

...Because it was Paperview!

I made a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless...

PS: I actually didn't, but it's my favourite bad joke, and it's my cake day, so I can do whatever I want!

Edit #1: If you didn't see my comment somehow, I feel scammed, because at the time of posting this, I yet had like 2 hours of my cake day left. I guess Reddit d...

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

 
 

Credit: 3rd grade me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pooping is a lot like math.

When it’s hard, sometimes you have to work it out with a pencil and paper.

The pen and the pencil

What’s the difference between a pen and a pencil?

The pen only lived up to half the name.

I’ll be here all night everyone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Russian conscript

Ivan had just been conscripted to fight in Ukraine. As part of his basic training he had to participate in a war game. The day of the war game, Ivan realised he had misplaced his rifle, so he went to his Lieutenant: “ Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?”
“I don’...

I'm about to embark on a huge art conquest of Shakespeare's work and am undecided on which pencil to use...

2B or not 2B

Physics Professor is sitting in the office of the Director of the University

And the Director tells him: "You physicists and your experiments are so damn expensive with all your special machines and exotic materials. Why can't you be more like the mathematicians? All they ever ask for is paper, pencils and a trashcan. Or even better, the philosophers. They don't even need a ...

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

I went to the doctor's office. The phlebotomist appeared, holding a sketchbook and a pencil, and said...

"Hold still so I can draw your blood."

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis...

An oldie from High School.

A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis all are having a conversation about how rough their lives are.

The Cucumber says to them, "My life sucks. They either chop me up and throw me in a salad or they drown me in a jar until my body turns sour and eat me."<...

I was going to sharpen my pencil to take my test on nihilism..

But there was no point

How does a pencil hire their workers?

He appoints them

Why do they even sell unsharpened pencils?

I just don’t see the point.

Being left handed I was always told I was more creative but all I noticed was that I smudge the words when writing with pencil.

I guess it’s a blessing and a cursive

Why was the pencil brought in for questioning

Because they thought he was sketchy

whats the biggest problem while buying a pencil?

2B or not 2B

Why don’t mathematicians ever get constipated?

If things get hard they can always work it out with a pencil

A pencil isn’t my favorite writing tool...

...but it’s a solid number 2

I have a hard time trusting people that use pencils to draw.

They're sketchy.

Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot?

He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.

I'm having a hard time trying to decide on which pencil to use for my English literature exam.

2B or not 2B - that is the question.

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

The pencil sharpeners at my school are racist.

They have signs next to them that say “No Colored Pencils”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do trees poop?

Of course. How do we get number 2 pencils then

What do John Wick and mathematicians have in common?

They can work out any problem with a pencil

I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.

But I didn't see the point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep reading pencils as penis

Guess I'm dickslexic

I had decided to write a letter by hand the other day when my pencil broke.

I tried to finish but it was pointless.

Did you hear about the pencil that got an injury in jail?

It broke mid-sentence.

I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings

In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl I was talking to online enquired about my penis size...

She said that she only asked because she has dated nothing but "pencil-dick" guys before, but they were awkward to work with and never brought her the satisfaction she desired in from a partner.

I assured her "You don't have to worry about that with me, my penis is waaaaaaaay shorter then 7.5...

A pencil isn't as phallic as a

pen is.

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

I believe pencils are superior to pens, especially for filling out crossword puzzles.

Does that make me erasist?

Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Jimmy: Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you?

Jimmy: What? Last time I asked, you told me to use "May I". So unfair!

Teacher: Quit clowning around, Jimmy, you know you can't borrow a pencil over Zoom.

A Professor Calls "Pencils Down"

A professor calls pencils down and one students keeps writing.

When the student goes to turn in his exam, the professor tells him "l'm not going to accept this, you didn't put your pencil down when I said to."

"Do you have any idea who I am?" The student says, snobbily.

"I do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Work it out with a pencil

(Trying to fix up a joke that was brewed up this past weekend.)

There's this French guy, squatting by a river, with his pants around his knees, his bare butt hanging over the water. A stranger comes out of the woods, sees this, and notices 2 dangling bits on the French guy.

"Omg! You ...

What did the depressed kid say when he broke his pencil?

There's no point

What do you call a pencil sharpener that can't sharpen pencils?

Broken

Who would win in a fight between the Joker an John Wick?

The Joker because he would make John Wicks pencil disappear

I accidentally stabbed my teacher in the face with a pencil.

I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.

I just lost an argument with a pencil.

To be fair, it had a point.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

What state has the most writers?

Pencil-vania

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