I finally hung up all of my pencil drawings.

But i'm afraid it makes my house look kinda sketchy...

I would tell you a joke about a broken pencil...

but there's no point.

Where do pencils go on vacation?

Pencil-vania

Why did the eraser on the end of the pencil feel like giving up?

Because it couldn't see the point.

My friends are getting tire of me always talking about sharpening my pencil...

...but really, I'm just trying to make a point.

I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil.

It wasn’t 2B.

Where does Dracula buy his pencils?

Pennsylvania.

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

Why should you not write notes with a dull pencil?

Because it's pointless.

What did Shakespeare say when he couldn't identify the pencil?

2B or not 2B

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

Someone stole all the pencils at the police station

Detectives have no leads.

Who’s in charge of the pencil case?

The ruler

I own Shakespeare's old chewed pencil.

He chewed on it so much i cant tell if its 2b or not 2b

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

A blind girl lost her pencil, her ring, and her dog, what did she lose first?

Her eye sight

One of Shakespeare's original pencils is going up for auction

Problem is its very chewed, so nobody can tell if its 2b or not 2b

What's the difference between a pencil and my life?

The pencil had a point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket f...

Here is a joke about a pencil with a broken tip.

Never mind it is pointless.

I'm about to embark on a huge art conquest of Shakespeare's work and am undecided on which pencil to use...

2B or not 2B

I was going to try to post a joke about sharpening pencils in the dark...

But I couldn’t see the point.

A pencil and a scissors are having a debate.

Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

I made a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless...

PS: I actually didn't, but it's my favourite bad joke, and it's my cake day, so I can do whatever I want!

Edit #1: If you didn't see my comment somehow, I feel scammed, because at the time of posting this, I yet had like 2 hours of my cake day left. I guess Reddit d...

I refuse to use a pencil and a ruler on anything but paper...

that's where I draw the line.

The pen and the pencil

What’s the difference between a pen and a pencil?

The pen only lived up to half the name.

I’ll be here all night everyone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a small dick met a shaman

He said 'I have a small dick and I am about to go on a date with this lady, how can I make it big?'

The Shaman said 'Before you meet her, dip your penis in a cup of tea, it shall get big'

A day later, the man meets with the shaman again 'I tried doing it and my dick did get long, but i...

I made a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless.

A pencil isn't John Wick's primary murder weapon.

But it's definitely number 2.

Today, while constipated, I decided to solve a difficult math problem.

I was able to work it out with my pencil.

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Should've told him

Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..."

Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."

Next day Peter call...

What do John Wick and mathematicians have in common?

They can work out any problem with a pencil

A pencil isn’t my favorite writing tool...

...but it’s a solid number 2

Who would win in a fight between the Joker an John Wick?

The Joker because he would make John Wicks pencil disappear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking through the park

I see a group of guys with pencils and paper writing things down. I say, "hey guys, what's up?" They say, "we're counting crows." They see my excitement, and I say, "oh shit, I love your music." One of them frowns and replies, "we're zoologists."

An old Joke by Lee Mack on... 8 out of 10 Cats plays Countdown, I believe?

I popped into an second-hand store the other day and bought a pencil. What's remarkable about the pencil, is that it used to be used by Shakespeare!



...Only thing is, the top part is all chewed up, so I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

I was going to sharpen my pencil to take my test on nihilism..

But there was no point

Why don’t mathematicians get constipated?

Because they can work anything out with a pencil.

Why do they even sell unsharpened pencils?

I just don’t see the point.

I have a hard time trusting people that use pencils to draw.

They're sketchy.

whats the biggest problem while buying a pencil?

2B or not 2B

I went to the doctor's office. The phlebotomist appeared, holding a sketchbook and a pencil, and said...

"Hold still so I can draw your blood."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep reading pencils as penis

Guess I'm dickslexic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help. The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. "Why doesn't that just defeat the w...

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

How does a pencil hire their workers?

He appoints them

Why did Shakespeare only write using pens?

Because pencils confused him. 2B or not 2B.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: Daddy, do trees poop?

Father: Of course, That's how we get number 2 pencils.

Did you hear the joke about the unsharpened pencil?

Eh, never mind. There’s no point.

Being left handed I was always told I was more creative but all I noticed was that I smudge the words when writing with pencil.

I guess it’s a blessing and a cursive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill and Steve are a gray couple on an airplane.

Bill turns to Steve, "you know what would be wild? We should have sex on the plane, like right here in our seats."

Steve surprised "whoah man, there are people everywhere, they would watch, it'd be weird."

"Nobody pays attention on a plane." Says Bill. With that he gets up and shoots t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agrees.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into the...

I've decided to marry a pencil

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unexpectedly, an artist's wife starts having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does ...

I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

 
 

Credit: 3rd grade me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis...

An oldie from High School.



A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis all are having a conversation about how rough their lives are.

The Cucumber says to them, "My life sucks. They either chop me up and throw me in a salad or they drown me in a jar until my body turns sour and eat me."<...

I believe pencils are superior to pens, especially for filling out crossword puzzles.

Does that make me erasist?

Police are searching for a robber who's stealing blunt pencils.

Quite frankly, they cant see the point

What do you call a pencil with erasers on both sides?

Pointless, like your comments lol

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

Knock knock

- Who's there?

- A blunt pencil

- A blunt pencil who?

- Leave it. There's no point.

How does an accountant fix constipation?

Works it out with a pencil

A census taker

An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling, young man?" he asked.

"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A census taker. We...

Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot?

He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.

The pencil sharpeners at my school are racist.

They have signs next to them that say “No Colored Pencils”.

Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Jimmy: Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you?

Jimmy: What? Last time I asked, you told me to use "May I". So unfair!

Teacher: Quit clowning around, Jimmy, you know you can't borrow a pencil over Zoom.

I've been using up the ink in all the pens and all the lead in our pencils.

Makes my daughter's Christmas wish list much shorter.

Why was the pencil brought in for questioning

Because they thought he was sketchy

When it comes to sharpening pencils,

there's never a dull moment.

Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need.

2B or not 2B, that is the question.

I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings

In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out

I had decided to write a letter by hand the other day when my pencil broke.

I tried to finish but it was pointless.

Little Johnny joke

Little Johnny is sitting in class behind a girl named April the teacher asked who created the universe Little Johnny poked April with his pencil and April yelled MY GOD The teacher replied with yes God did create the universe then the teacher asked another question where do you go when you live a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Work it out with a pencil

(Trying to fix up a joke that was brewed up this past weekend.)

There's this French guy, squatting by a river, with his pants around his knees, his bare butt hanging over the water. A stranger comes out of the woods, sees this, and notices 2 dangling bits on the French guy.

"Omg! You ...

What do you call a pencil sharpener that can't sharpen pencils?

Broken

My first breakup was in grade two...

She left me for the guy with a new pencil.

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is taking his first ever flight

A man is taking his first ever flight and he's very excited. He's wanted to fly on a plane ever since he was a little boy. He's especially excited about the prospect of who he could be seated next to. His mind full with anticipation over the possibilities- it could be a celebrity, his favorite athle...

Which coloured pencil is the sharpest?

Red, because it can draw blood.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

Why did the pilot turn his plane into pens, pencils and a ruler?

Because to refuel it needed to be stationery.

Why are pencils and communism so similar?

They both only work on paper!

Josey wasn't the best Sunday School student.

She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

"Who is the creator of the universe?"

Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with his pencil to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated h...

I'm having a hard time trying to decide on which pencil to use for my English literature exam.

2B or not 2B - that is the question.

What did the depressed kid say when he broke his pencil?

There's no point

Why can't you win an argument with a pencil?

Because the pencil has a point.

I accidentally stabbed my teacher in the face with a pencil.

I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.

My sister started using a pencil to do her eyebrows.

It looks a little sketchy.

Why don't pens and pencils walk around?

Because they're stationary

Did you hear about the pencil that got an injury in jail?

It broke mid-sentence.

If you roll a pencil down a hill..

..is it still stationary?

Have you read the article about broken pencils?

I hope not, the reviewers said it’s pointless and lead on for too long.

I need a pencil sharpener.

Just to put it bluntly.

i have a 2B pencil, and a 2H pencil, the question is which should i use?

2B or not 2B?

I would make a joke about pencils...

But I dont want to

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