UPJOKE
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I would tell you a joke about a broken pencil...

but there's no point.

Where do pencils go on vacation?

Pencil-vania

Why did the eraser on the end of the pencil feel like giving up?

Because it couldn't see the point.

My friends are getting tire of me always talking about sharpening my pencil...

...but really, I'm just trying to make a point.

A blind girl lost her pencil, her ring, and her dog, what did she lose first?

Her eye sight

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

Why should you not write notes with a dull pencil?

Because it's pointless.

I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil.

It wasn’t 2B.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

I was going to try to post a joke about sharpening pencils in the dark...

But I couldn’t see the point.

I own a pencil used by William Shakespeare

He used to chew on it a lot though, so I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B

Did you hear about the man who got depressed after he lost his favourite pencil sharpener?

Everything seemed pointless!

What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and life

They’re both pointless
*NYEH* *HEH* *HEH*

Where does Dracula buy his pencils?

Pennsylvania

I threw a pencil yesterday

I suppose you could say it wasn’t stationary anymore

What's the difference between a pencil and my life?

The pencil had a point.

I made a pencil with two erasers

It was pointless

What do you call a pencil you've just thrown out the window?

I don't know. But it's certainly not stationary.

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

I own Shakespeare's old chewed pencil.

He chewed on it so much i cant tell if its 2b or not 2b

How did the mathematician solve his constipation problem?

He worked it out with a pencil.

You want to hear the one about the broken pencil?

Nevermind, it’s pointless

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

I just realised without tips pencils would be

Pointless...

Three men were challenged to an art contest, they each had a piece of paper and a pencil, the theme was a TV screen, however, one of the men did nothing with his paper, when the judge saw it, he was dissapointed at first, but after he explained his idea to the judge, he was impressed and he won...

...Because it was Paperview!

Here is a joke about a pencil with a broken tip.

Never mind it is pointless.

I made a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless...

PS: I actually didn't, but it's my favourite bad joke, and it's my cake day, so I can do whatever I want!

Edit #1: If you didn't see my comment somehow, I feel scammed, because at the time of posting this, I yet had like 2 hours of my cake day left. I guess Reddit d...

I refuse to use a pencil and a ruler on anything but paper...

that's where I draw the line.

A pencil isn't John Wick's primary murder weapon.

But it's definitely number 2.

A Russian man asks his friend if he should get married and have a family, or join the army

The friend says:

"Vanya, if you get married, then all hope is lost.

"Now, if you join the army, you have two options: either you live or you die. If you live, then all hope is lost.

"If you die, you have two options: either you die on the Ukrainian side of the border or the Russ...

Someone stole all the pencils at the police station

Detectives have no leads.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Out of the blue, my son asked me, “Dad, do trees poop?” After thinking for a bit, I answered, "Well, yes, yes they do."

“Where do you think number 2 pencils come from!?"

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3 Lunatics

Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, and the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simpl...

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Do trees poop?

Yes. Where do you think #2 pencils come from?

The pen and the pencil

What’s the difference between a pen and a pencil?

The pen only lived up to half the name.

I’ll be here all night everyone!

A pencil and a scissors are having a debate.

Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

One of Shakespeare's original pencils is going up for auction

Problem is its very chewed, so nobody can tell if its 2b or not 2b

What do a math teacher and a constipated dude have in common?

They both worked it out with a pencil

I'm about to embark on a huge art conquest of Shakespeare's work and am undecided on which pencil to use...

2B or not 2B

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two interesting facts about me:

1: My Penis is the exact length of two IKEA pencils.

2: I've got a lifetime ban from IKEA!

The one about the quickly wed couple

So a man, lets call him Dan, meets this girl, we'll call her Stacy, on a blind date. They hit it off right away and chat the night away. Well they go on another date, this one went even better than the last, Dan's heart flutters every time he thinks of her. So then Dan asks her on a third date and t...

Budget cuts in the Army

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenan...

I've decided to marry a pencil

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

A pencil isn’t my favorite writing tool...

...but it’s a solid number 2

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A wood expert.

A drunk man in a bar began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only.

The bartender and patrons decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.

First they put a pencil infront of his nose. He smelled it and said, "That's...

Did you hear the joke about the unsharpened pencil?

Eh, never mind. There’s no point.

I have a hard time trusting people that use pencils to draw.

They're sketchy.

whats the biggest problem while buying a pencil?

2B or not 2B

How do mathematicians deal with constipation?

They sit down to work it out with a pencil.

I went to the doctor's office. The phlebotomist appeared, holding a sketchbook and a pencil, and said...

"Hold still so I can draw your blood."

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My girlfriend plays Wordle while she poops...

If it's too hard, she tries to work it out with a pencil.

I was going to sharpen my pencil to take my test on nihilism..

But there was no point

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

Why do they even sell unsharpened pencils?

I just don’t see the point.

How does a pencil hire their workers?

He appoints them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis...

An oldie from High School.



A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis all are having a conversation about how rough their lives are.

The Cucumber says to them, "My life sucks. They either chop me up and throw me in a salad or they drown me in a jar until my body turns sour and eat me."<...

Being left handed I was always told I was more creative but all I noticed was that I smudge the words when writing with pencil.

I guess it’s a blessing and a cursive

What do you call a pencil with erasers on both sides?

Pointless, like your comments lol

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

&nbsp;
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Credit: 3rd grade me.

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

Why did Shakespeare always use a pen when writing?

Because the pencil was confusing - 2B or not 2B

I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

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I keep reading pencils as penis

Guess I'm dickslexic

My none-too-bright mate had an accident on a building site when a slate fell off the roof and sliced his ear off…

“Here it is” said one of the lads working with him holding up what looked like a bloody walkers ridge crisp.

My mate shook his head “No, that’s not it, mine had a pencil tucked behind it”

Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot?

He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does ...

Police are searching for a robber who's stealing blunt pencils.

Quite frankly, they cant see the point

Why was the pencil brought in for questioning

Because they thought he was sketchy

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A man with a small dick met a shaman

He said 'I have a small dick and I am about to go on a date with this lady, how can I make it big?'

The Shaman said 'Before you meet her, dip your penis in a cup of tea, it shall get big'

A day later, the man meets with the shaman again 'I tried doing it and my dick did get long, but i...

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my school life sucks.

my teachers are awful and give too much homework, they’re also so mean to anyone who tries to ask a question, and are always taking extra time just to pick on me, just being total jerks.

my classmates are equally bad, being big bullies to anyone they see, always stealing my work, tapping thei...

Today, while constipated, I decided to solve a difficult math problem.

I was able to work it out with my pencil.

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Work it out with a pencil

(Trying to fix up a joke that was brewed up this past weekend.)

There's this French guy, squatting by a river, with his pants around his knees, his bare butt hanging over the water. A stranger comes out of the woods, sees this, and notices 2 dangling bits on the French guy.

"Omg! You ...

What do John Wick and mathematicians have in common?

They can work out any problem with a pencil

What do you call a pencil sharpener that can't sharpen pencils?

Broken

I believe pencils are superior to pens, especially for filling out crossword puzzles.

Does that make me erasist?

The pencil sharpeners at my school are racist.

They have signs next to them that say “No Colored Pencils”.

Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Jimmy: Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you?

Jimmy: What? Last time I asked, you told me to use "May I". So unfair!

Teacher: Quit clowning around, Jimmy, you know you can't borrow a pencil over Zoom.

I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings

In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

Which coloured pencil is the sharpest?

Red, because it can draw blood.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B

I'm having a hard time trying to decide on which pencil to use for my English literature exam.

2B or not 2B - that is the question.

What did the depressed kid say when he broke his pencil?

There's no point

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help. The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. "Why doesn't that just defeat the w...

Who would win in a fight between the Joker an John Wick?

The Joker because he would make John Wicks pencil disappear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unexpectedly, an artist's wife starts having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

Did you hear about the pencil that got an injury in jail?

It broke mid-sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill and Steve are a gray couple on an airplane.

Bill turns to Steve, "you know what would be wild? We should have sex on the plane, like right here in our seats."

Steve surprised "whoah man, there are people everywhere, they would watch, it'd be weird."

"Nobody pays attention on a plane." Says Bill. With that he gets up and shoots t...

Why are pencils and communism so similar?

They both only work on paper!

A pencil isn't as phallic as a

pen is.

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Should've told him

Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..."

Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."

Next day Peter call...

Have you read the article about broken pencils?

I hope not, the reviewers said it’s pointless and lead on for too long.

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