-Knock knock. -Who’s there? -Broken pencil. -Broken pencil who?

Never mind, it’s pointless.

I finally hung up all of my pencil drawings.

But i'm afraid it makes my house look kinda sketchy...

Where do pencils go on vacation?

Pencil-vania

Why did the eraser on the end of the pencil feel like giving up?

Because it couldn't see the point.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

3 objects were talking, a sharpener, a pencil and a ball. The ball was saying that the pencil wasn't sharp. The pencil retorted that he was very sharp. What did the sharpener say?

"No, no, he's got a point."

Downvote me all you want guys

What’s the scariest movie to show a pencil?

...
...

Point Break.

I would tell you a joke about a broken pencil...

but there's no point.

I made a pencil with two erasers

.
.
.
.
.
.
It was pointless

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

I was going to make a joke about a pencil.

But I really don't see the point.

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

William Shakespeare chewed on his pencil so much...

...that eventually he couldn't tell if it was 2B or not 2B.

A pencil isn’t my favorite writing tool...

...but it’s a solid number 2

Why shouldn’t you write with a dull pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant!! Which Male pencil is responsible?

The one without the rubber.

Why can't pencils move?

Because they are stationery

I am not sorry

I will be glad if I make at least a few people smile

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

A blind girl lost her pencil, her ring, and her dog, what did she lose first?

Her eye sight

I believe pencils are superior to pens, especially for filling out crossword puzzles.

Does that make me erasist?

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Credit to my 6th grade science teacher

Pencils that aren't sharpened are ...

Pointless.

I recently came across Shakespeare's chewed pencil...

It's so chewed, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

How does a pencil hire their workers?

He appoints them

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.
"Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole.
"SNAP!", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! "...

I have a hard time trusting people that use pencils to draw.

They're sketchy.

Being left handed I was always told I was more creative but all I noticed was that I smudge the words when writing with pencil.

I guess it’s a blessing and a cursive

Not having a pencil sharpener is useless for two reasons

1 - Pencils would be pointless

2 - Pencils would be pointless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An artist's wife starts having sex with him daily.

While a bit unusual, he didn't question it and just enjoyed the ride. One day, his wife approached him.

"Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What would you like me to draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her, ey...

The pencil sharpeners at my school are racist.

They have signs next to them that say “No Colored Pencils”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis...

An oldie from High School.



A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis all are having a conversation about how rough their lives are.

The Cucumber says to them, "My life sucks. They either chop me up and throw me in a salad or they drown me in a jar until my body turns sour and eat me."<...

Did you hear the joke about the unsharpened pencil?

Eh, never mind. There’s no point.

whats the biggest problem while buying a pencil?

2B or not 2B

I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings

In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out

What do you call a pencil sharpener that can't sharpen pencils?

Broken

I had decided to write a letter by hand the other day when my pencil broke.

I tried to finish but it was pointless.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Jimmy: Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you?

Jimmy: What? Last time I asked, you told me to use "May I". So unfair!

Teacher: Quit clowning around, Jimmy, you know you can't borrow a pencil over Zoom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

Alice had fallen asleep in class when the teacher had called on her to answer a question

The teacher had asked the class "who created the world" she called on Alice who happened to be asleep. John who sat behind her poked her with a pencil to wake her up, she said loudly "Jesus Christ". "Very good" said the teacher

Class continued and the teacher asked another question "who made ...

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum...

Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.

Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs.

Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began. 

After several months, the guy approac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Work it out with a pencil

(Trying to fix up a joke that was brewed up this past weekend.)

There's this French guy, squatting by a river, with his pants around his knees, his bare butt hanging over the water. A stranger comes out of the woods, sees this, and notices 2 dangling bits on the French guy.

"Omg! You ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

What do you call a pencil with erasers on both sides?

Pointless, like your comments lol

Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need.

2B or not 2B, that is the question.

I struggled for hours trying to make use of my broken pencil...

But it was pointless.

Where did the pen go for holiday?

He went to pencil-vania

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A foreign man moves to America.

A foreign man moves to America. When he arrives he is shocked at how different the culture and the laws are from his own country. For fear of breaking them, he decides to take a class on US law.

The class begins and the teacher tells them to raise their hand if anyone has a question. Immedia...

Was walking down the street and heard this beautiful music coming from up on a hill.

So I went up there and found out it was a place for the mentally challenged. The music was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. So I looked in a window and saw all the patients holding pencils and tapping them on apples. I couldn’t believe the music was coming from them. How could they do it? S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Larry got the new Secretary

**Garry:** Your New Secretary is very Sexy....

**Larry:** Thanks! she is actually a Robot, Named Doreen, if you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters. Will Work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days, no medical, no de...

Sunday School

A little boy and a little girl were at Sunday school one week. Throughout the lecture, the little boy kept poking the girl with his pencil.

About ten minutes of poking and lecturing later, the teacher asks "Who created the earth?"

Little girl, tired of being poked by the pencil, slams ...

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

I've been using up the ink in all the pens and all the lead in our pencils.

Makes my daughter's Christmas wish list much shorter.

Why are pencils and communism so similar?

They both only work on paper!

When it comes to sharpening pencils,

there's never a dull moment.

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

Want to hear a pencil joke?

It's a sharp one.

This is one that you wood not be able to erase from your memory.

But, then again...

It is quite graphite.

Sorry for making feel lead on there.

If you roll a pencil down a hill..

..is it still stationary?

I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married.

I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

Which coloured pencil is the sharpest?

Red, because it can draw blood.

Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot?

He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.

In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tub...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Police are searching for a robber who's stealing blunt pencils.

Quite frankly, they cant see the point

Why do influencers always carry a pencil?

To draw attention

Why didn't Pinocchio have any children?

There was no lead in his pencil.

Physics vs Philosophy

The physics department of a college seeks funds to buy a cyclotron.
"This is millions and millions of dollars!" says the Dean.
"That's our microscope," says the physicist. "We can't do our research without it."
"Why can't the physics department be more like the mathematics department?...

Students in a college final exam were nearing the end of the testing period...

"All pencils down, turn in your tests, put them in a stack on my desk" ordered the professor to the class of 200 students.

Almost every student put their pencil down except for one student who was adding to their last answer. When the other students had handed in their tests the late student ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

I need a pencil sharpener.

Just to put it bluntly.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

Why don't pens and pencils walk around?

Because they're stationary

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

&nbsp;
&nbsp;

Credit: 3rd grade me.

My favorite joke ever

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

>!He worked it out with a #2 pencil!<

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer and an accountant were all up for a job interview

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant were all up for a job interview:

The mathematician was called in and asked as part of the interview, “What is 1+1?” The mathematician gets his calculator out and does the calculation and says “2.”

The engineer is then asked the ...

The Pope gets on an aeroplane and sits next to an Irishman

His cardinals sit behind him and the Irishman. The aeroplane gets high up in the air and the Pope takes out a crossword that he's been solving and gets stuck on one clue. The clue has three letters already filled.

*"14. A woman in your life."*

*"\_UNT"*

The Pope shows the clue t...

Little Johnny and little Susie were in Sunday school.

Johnny, thinking he was being funny, kept poking Susie in the back with a pencil.

Up front, the teacher was asking some questions, "What did lucifer say after falling from heaven?" She asked. Just then Johnny jabbed Susie with the pencil.

"Cut it out." She hissed over her shoulder....

Larry, the clumsy carpenter, was using his tablesaw and leaned in close to check he was following the line he had marked on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.

Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When...

Did you hear about the argument between a pencil and a sharpener?

The sharpener made a better point.

Why was the pencil brought in for questioning

Because they thought he was sketchy

I was in the shop looking for a new pencil for English class

2B or not 2B, that is the question

My Friend stabbed me with a pencil...

He drew blood

Why aren't there more pencil fights in ufc?

Last time it lead to a draw!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, little Susie was sitting in Sunday School

Susie was a good kid who liked to pay attention in here sunday school bible classes. The only problem was the she sat in front of the class delinquent, Joe. While the teacher was teaching, she decided to ask the class a question to make sure all the kids were paying attention.


"So class, ...

Have you read the article about broken pencils?

I hope not, the reviewers said it’s pointless and lead on for too long.

What did the depressed kid say when he broke his pencil?

There's no point

I accidentally stabbed my teacher in the face with a pencil.

I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.

Ya'll seem to like puns, so:

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

• I changed my iPod’s name to Tita...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

It seems like anything goes these days. A friend of mine has just become engaged to a pencil!

Now he wants to introduce me to his bride, 2B.

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