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Pencil Jokes

I finally hung up all of my pencil drawings.

But i'm afraid it makes my house look kinda sketchy...

-Knock knock. -Who’s there? -Broken pencil. -Broken pencil who?

Never mind, it’s pointless.

Where do pencils go on vacation?

Pencil-vania

My friends are getting tire of me always talking about sharpening my pencil...

...but really, I'm just trying to make a point.

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil.

It wasn’t 2B.

A blind girl lost her pencil, her ring, and her dog, what did she lose first?

Her eye sight

Why don't blind people sharpen pencils?

They don't see the point.

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

What did the gunfighter say to the pencil?

Draw!

Why did the pencil become a philosopher?

It always had a point

What do you call a broken pencil?

Pointless.

Why is the eraser sold separately from the pencil?

Because you have to pay for your mistakes.

I want to design a pencil with an eraser on both ends.

People say it’s pointless though.

What did the pencil say to the sharpener?

Without you, my life would be pointless.

A Professor Calls "Pencils Down"

A professor calls pencils down and one students keeps writing.

When the student goes to turn in his exam, the professor tells him "l'm not going to accept this, you didn't put your pencil down when I said to."

"Do you have any idea who I am?" The student says, snobbily.

"I do...

A pencil and a scissors are having a debate.

Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

Did you hear the joke about the unsharpened pencil?

Eh, never mind. There’s no point.

I've decided to marry a pencil

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

 
 

Credit: 3rd grade me.

Ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?

Well, never mind- it's pointless.

Where do vampires get their pencils?

Pencilvania!

why did the pencil stink?

…because it was a No. 2

Pencils can be really sharp, but they are still allowed on planes.

That’s because… they needed to draw the line somewhere.

My wife has been penciling in her eyebrows lately… I think that she draws them a little high, so I told her.

She just looked at me surprised

I have the IQ of a pencil without an eraser

I create problems and make someone else clean them up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jenny was not the best student in Sunday School.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was having a nap:

"Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?"

She didn't stir, so Mike, a boy in the chair behind her, quickly took a pencil

and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!"...

I was going to try to post a joke about sharpening pencils in the dark...

But I couldn’t see the point.

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B

I threw a pencil yesterday

I suppose you could say it wasn’t stationary anymore

I made a pencil with two erasers

It was pointless

A pencil isn't as phallic as a

pen is.

Someone stole all the pencils at the police station

Detectives have no leads.

What do you call a pencil you've just thrown out the window?

I don't know. But it's certainly not stationary.

A pencil isn't John Wick's primary murder weapon.

But it's definitely number 2.

Pencils that aren't sharpened are ...

Pointless.

I refuse to use a pencil and a ruler on anything but paper...

that's where I draw the line.

Why was the pencil brought in for questioning

Because they thought he was sketchy

If you were anti-pencil

Would you be erasist?

whats the biggest problem while buying a pencil?

2B or not 2B

I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings

In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

The pen and the pencil

What’s the difference between a pen and a pencil?

The pen only lived up to half the name.

I’ll be here all night everyone!

What do you call a pencil sharpener that can't sharpen pencils?

Broken

Why do influencers always carry a pencil?

To draw attention

One of Shakespeare's original pencils is going up for auction

Problem is its very chewed, so nobody can tell if its 2b or not 2b

I made a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless...

PS: I actually didn't, but it's my favourite bad joke, and it's my cake day, so I can do whatever I want!

Edit #1: If you didn't see my comment somehow, I feel scammed, because at the time of posting this, I yet had like 2 hours of my cake day left. I guess Reddit d...

What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and life

They’re both pointless
*NYEH* *HEH* *HEH*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

Did you hear about the man who got depressed after he lost his favourite pencil sharpener?

Everything seemed pointless!

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

How does a pencil hire their workers?

He appoints them

A pencil isn’t my favorite writing tool...

...but it’s a solid number 2

What do you call two pencils fighting?

A grafight.

Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Jimmy: Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you?

Jimmy: What? Last time I asked, you told me to use "May I". So unfair!

Teacher: Quit clowning around, Jimmy, you know you can't borrow a pencil over Zoom.

The pencil sharpeners at my school are racist.

They have signs next to them that say “No Colored Pencils”.

When it comes to sharpening pencils,

there's never a dull moment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis...

An oldie from High School.



A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis all are having a conversation about how rough their lives are.

The Cucumber says to them, "My life sucks. They either chop me up and throw me in a salad or they drown me in a jar until my body turns sour and eat me."<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Parking Tickets

So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep reading pencils as penis

Guess I'm dickslexic

Today I wanted to make a broken pencil pun

But there's no point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor, while on rounds at the hospital, notices an intern looking at him strangely.

The intern says, "Doctor, you have a thermometer tucked behind your ear." The doctor pulled the thermometer from behind his ear, looked at it and exclaimed, "Damn it, some asshole's got my pencil!"

Which coloured pencil is the sharpest?

Red, because it can draw blood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does ...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Work it out with a pencil

(Trying to fix up a joke that was brewed up this past weekend.)

There's this French guy, squatting by a river, with his pants around his knees, his bare butt hanging over the water. A stranger comes out of the woods, sees this, and notices 2 dangling bits on the French guy.

"Omg! You ...

I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.

But I didn't see the point.

I need a pencil sharpener.

Just to put it bluntly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

I'm having a hard time trying to decide on which pencil to use for my English literature exam.

2B or not 2B - that is the question.

Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot?

He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

143 year old troll

I found this history text book from 1873 at a flea market today, and it’s super old school. On page 23, there is a thing that says “look on page 150” in pencil in the top margin- so I go to page 150 and the guy had written “you are a fool for looking”. Fuckin got me bro. Trolled me 143 years in the ...

When can't a pencil write out a check?

When it's broke.

A pencil walks into a bar

The bartender says, "We don't serve your type here."
The pencil yells back "Erasist!"

Why are pencils and communism so similar?

They both only work on paper!

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

I also remember my grandfather's last words. He was very weak, bedridden in hospital, and had lost the power of speech. He had signalled for me to give him paper and a pencil. He died right after writing it.

It said,

*"You are standing on my breathing tube"*

I was going to sharpen my pencil to take my test on nihilism..

But there was no point

I have a hard time trusting people that use pencils to draw.

They're sketchy.

Pencil Box Kingdom

Who's the king of the pencil box?

The ruler.

What's the kingdom's most important discovery?

Pencillin.

What is the national sport?

Erasing.

What's the national motto?

Keep calm, Crayon.

Who are their discriminated minority?

The whites....

I just lost an argument with a pencil.

To be fair, it had a point.

Why don't pens and pencils walk around?

Because they're stationary

I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

If you roll a pencil down a hill..

..is it still stationary?

So I used a blunt pencil yesterday...

It was pointless.

Have you read the article about broken pencils?

I hope not, the reviewers said it’s pointless and lead on for too long.

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