UPJOKE
deskdressersuitcasebriefcaseclosetnightstandbackpackcupboardbagbureaucontainerstoragechest of drawersmugfreezer

“He gently slid her panties to the side

so he could fit the rest of the socks in her drawer.”

Morris was going through an old drawer, and he discovered a ticket for the cobbler shop, dated about 40 years ago.

He remembered having brought in his spare loafers to get new heels, so many years ago, and somehow he had forgotten all about them.

"I wonder if old Gelbstein still has his shop? It's been so long since I was even in that part of the city."

So Morris goes down there, and to his amazem...

To the person who invented the drawers

I don't know how you pulled this one out.

On his deathbed a wife asks her husband about that closed drawer.

He gives her the key and says that he did put an egg there every time he was unfaithful.

The wife opens the drawer and finds two eggs and thousands of dollars in cash.

"OK, two times in 40 years is not that much. But what about the money?". "Every time I had a full dozen eggs I sold th...

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

What does a hidden compartment in a drawer have in common with Kim Kardashian?

The false bottom

I’m such a bad drawer.

I can’t hold clothes for my life.

(Came up with this one from a meme I just saw) There's a bee in the drawer of my side table that buzzes and makes me think I got a new message on my phone...

Got a bee kiddin me.

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaks into a house one night. As he sneaks around the living room looking for things to steal, he hears a voice. "Jesus is watching you." The burglar stops for a second, then tells himself it was only his imagination. He starts putting items in his bag, then he hears the voice again. "Jes...

At the barbershop

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

\- "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

\- "Just place this between your chee...

When Putin began his first term in office…

When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics.


Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If thing...

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Three nuns and the Head Priest

Three nuns are talking and the first nun says, “You would never believe what I discovered.”

Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. " Last week I found a smartphone in the Head Priest’s room." said the first nun.

“Oh that’s nothing. Two weeks ago, I found condoms in one of his ...

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

Prepare three envelopes

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things...

I like to keep a gun in my nightstand drawer just in case someone breaks in

That way I can shoot myself to avoid social interaction

I needed to do the laundry, but then I realized I was out of detergent,

so I went to write a shopping list and realized how unorganized the junk drawer was, and started checking pens for ink. When I went to toss all the junk, I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge. That's when I realized a juice jug had leake...

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My wife hides her diary in the bra drawer.

She knows I'll never open it because it's full of booby traps.

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When I was young I found a dildo in my mum's drawer.

So being young, I took it to her and said, "Mum, what is this?"

She thought for a moment. "It's a stick," she replied, "I use it to help me plant..seeds..in the soil..."

"Oh," I hesitated. "is that why it's so brown?"

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[NSFW] As a teenager, I liked sneaking into girls rooms and rummaging through their drawers to see what I could find.

Usually it was their vagina

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans.

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash.
The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."
"When I did fool ar...

I replaced the handles on a chest of drawers with crucifixes.

Now it's a cross dresser.

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

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A guy walks into a pharmacy

and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label \*...

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NSFW: A cowboy, hard on his luck, walks into a bar and sits down at a stool.

He orders himself a shot, and the bartender passes one down. The cowboy looks behind the bartender and sees a big glass suitcase full of money and asks, "Hey, bartender! What's that big glass suitcase full of money right there?"

"Hell, that's for anybody that can do 3 things for me."

"...

There was an FBI agent named Craig.

Craig's job was checking furniture that people sell online to see if there's nothing illegal in it.

However, Craig had a weird habit - instead of tracking all illegal items, he had a document with every single legal piece of furniture that people sold, and he was removing items from there if ...

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A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him..

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him. He decides he'd call in during his work day and try to catch his wife in the act. A woman's voice answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?" the man replies. The voice responds, "I'm the housekeeper. I was hired this morning. Sh...

Why does Mike Pence keep all of his clothes in drawers?

Because he can't stand anything coming out of the closet.

My dog got into my sock drawer today...

I had to re-pair all my socks.

Hiking

Two women are hiking in the wilds, and they arrive at a chasm over a river with an old bridge. One of the women announces she needs to pee and proceeds to drop her drawers, but before she begins, she looks down and exclaims in a startled voice, "There is a canoe below me full of moose meat!"

...

Women's Convention (A little Long)

Women from around the world gather at this convention to share their stories of how they rekindled their love with their husbands.

A English women approaches the stage and begins, " for five days I told my husband, I will no longer cook for you, make you tea, and do you laundry. The first day...

At the Barber Shop

A man goes to the barber shop for a shave. While sitting down on the barber chair, he tells the barber that he can never properly shave his cheeks.


The barber goes to a drawer and takes out a small wooden ball. He tells the client to place it in his mouth between the cheek and his teet...

"Can you fit any more Milky Way Chocolate Bars into your desk drawer there, Jim?"

"Nope, all outer space."

A Man Calls Home to His Wife...

A Man Calls home to his wife. The Maid answers, "Hello ". The husband asks for his wife. The Maid asks him to hold as she goes to her bedroom. Moments later, the maid returns crying, "Sir, your wife... Your wife is in bed with ANOTHER MAN!". The husband is shocked and doesn't speak for a minute....

A Yorkshireman and his dog go to the vet

The Yorkshireman says, "My dog's swallowed a condom." and the vet says, "You did the right thing bringing him here. Leave him and I'll keep him under observation. When he's passed it, I'll phone you."
The Yorkshireman leaves, and 10 minutes later the vet's phone rings. It's the Yorkshireman, who ...

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Murder at 1600

A man calls home to tell his wife that he’ll be late because he will be in a meeting until late.

Ring ring..

Maid: Hello

Man: Hello this is John, can you please ask your Madam to talk to me right now?

Maid: uh Sir, unfortunately she can’t right now. Can i ask her to call...

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

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I came home one day and caught my wife in bed with my mate.

I was angry, I got my gun out of the drawer and shot him dead.


My wife said what the fuck? You carry on like this you ain't gonna

have any friends left.

A doctor puts up a sign in front of his hospital.

The sign reads, if I can cure you, I get $20. If I can’t cure you, I pay you $100. A lawyer decides that it’s his time to shine, so goes to the doctor.
“Doctor, I cant taste anything anymore. Please cure me!”
The doctor tells his nurse to get him some of drawer 33.
“Wait a second,” the lawy...

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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife.

Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What...

Where do geneticists keep their vegetables?

In the CRISPR drawer.

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My father's favor joke



Bob is standing a bar having a beer when another man walk up and orders one. After a few minutes Bob notices a smell.

"I smell shit!" he says. He turns to the man next to him, "Did you just shit your pants?"

The guy looks offended, "No, are you crazy?"

Bob goes back ...

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NSFW - Two dildos are in a drawer...

One of them sighs.

So the other asks, "Soft day at work?"

A man goes into a town he's never seen before

He finds someone to give him a tour, but as he's lead around the town, everything is so strange. Finally, the tour guide brings him to a big building. "This is the train station" he says. The man from out of town says "Finally something normal". But when he goes in there's just a bunch of drawers. H...

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I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying, "This is a Stick Up!"

The clerk laughed.

The man paying for a coffee laughed.

The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.

They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.

When the cashier had the drawer open, I said hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter.

The c...

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A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

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The Sensitive Man

A man and a woman meet in a singles bar. They chat, they click, they connect. The fellow proposes that they continue their discussion over drinks at his place. The woman agrees.

They arrive at his apartment, and the woman is genuinely pleasantly surprised to see that, unlike a lot of bache...

What's the difference between a kid and a drawer?

A drawer won't scream when I force my junk into it.

what did the ram say when his mom found drugs in his dresser drawer?

I learned it from watching ewe!

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

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A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.

One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony.


After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The hu...

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

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The Knight and the lady (NSFW)

There was a knight married to a beautiful lady. One day, a crusade is called and the knight is forced to leave his castle and head off to the crusades. Before he goes he arranged for his wife to wear a chastity belt, to ensure that none of his servants try anything with her in his absence. Yet this ...

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Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status....

The departing division general manager met a last time with his young successor and gave him three envelopes.

"My predecessor did this for me,and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. Good luck."

The new manager returned to his ...

An old lady in her deathbed calls her husband for something important

"George, I want you to go in the attic and open the third drawer of the black polished furniture.
I want you to bring me what you find there."

The husband goes upstairs in the attic and finds the furniture near the entrance, he opens the third drawer and finds an egg box with 3 eggs in it,...

My doctor said that I should stop mixing coffee and redbull

He’s just jealous that I can lock a drawer and still have time to throw the key inside

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

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A man was walking down the street when his son asks him a question.

"Dad, why is that guy wearing a robot leg?"

"It's a prosthetic leg," the father explains. "They go where real limbs used to be."

Confused, the son asks, "Did mum used to have a penis?"

"No son," the dad replies. "Why'd you ask?"

"She has one in her drawer."

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Pink ping pong balls

Once upon a time there was a father and a son. It was the son’s tenth birthday and his father said,

“Son, you are the most precious thing in the world to me. Whatever you ask for your birthday, you shall receive.”

His son replied,

“Dad, all I want for my birthday is a pink ping ...

A little boy was walking down a road.

A policeman comes up to him and asks him whether he has seen a thief running away.
The little boy says, "Go along this road, and you will come upon and intersection of four roads.
Go along the fourth road, and you will find four wide alleys.
Go in the fourth alley and you will come acros...

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

My co-worker was reading a book on her tea break.

I asked her what it was and she said "It's *The Exorcist*. It's the most evil book I've ever read, it's really getting to me."

At the start of her lunch break she said "Right, I'm getting rid of this horrible thing!". I watched out of the window as she walked by the river and threw the book i...

Once there was an inflatable boy who lived in an inflatable house with his inflatable parents.

Every morning when the inflatable alarm rang, he would leap out of his inflatable bed and into the inflatable shower, then when he was dressed he would go and sit at the inflatable table in the kitchen to eat his inflatable breakfast, and then run off and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable s...

A Tale Of Two Letters

Stalin, knowing that his time was short and that Khrushchev would be his eventual successor, summoned Nikita to a very private meeting. After telling Khrushchev how lonely it could get at the top, Stalin said: "I've left for you two letters containing my wisest counsel in the bottom drawer of the...

A Special Table

A man went to an old furniture shop to buy an antique kitchen table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted to buy and asked the price.

“£2,000 sir.”

“Never!” exclaimed the man, “That’s unbelievably expensive.”

“That’s true,” replied the assistant, but this is not just any a...

What you you call a men's pair of underwear?

A junk drawer.

How do you turn a spoon into a fork?

Open up the drawers.

What do you call an artist with plenty of storage?

A drawer.

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

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A distressed woman visits a healer...

"Please, you have to help me. Every day when my husband comes home from work, he beats the shit out of me. I don't know what to do anymore."

The healer says: "You see, in every man's soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger....

My friend pulled a girl on a night out and ended up going back to her house where they made amazing love all night long.

In the morning, she excused herself early as she had to go to work and she left her number for my friend to call her later.

After a lie in he got up, showered and dressed, but before he left her house he couldn’t help but have a quick snoop in her bedroom drawers.

In one drawer he foun...

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Favourite one-liner?

"stationary shop moves" - Jimmy Carr

**Another favourite -** "I keep my porno tapes in my sock drawer, it's all you need in one place" - Jason Manford

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Jack off...

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.

They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that th...

The Exorcist

A couple of years ago, my Mother-In-Law began reading "The Exorcist".

She said it was the most evil book she ever read.

So evil, in fact that she couldn't finish it and threw it into the ocean pier.



I went and bought another copy and ran the tap over it. I then left it i...

How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

The last week or two I've been really obsessed with mixing things.

The last week of two I've been really obsessed with mixing things. I've been mixing anything and everything I can find, from pasta and sauce to the garbage in the trash can and the clothes in my drawer.


The weirdest thing is that when I start mixing something I have a hard time stopping! ...

A man goes to a barber for a shave

While the barber is lathering him up, the man admits to having a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.


''Here, try this'', says the barber, pulling a small wooden ball from a drawer. '' Place the ball between your right cheek and gum and I'll show you how close a shave can be.''...

My cartographer wife was worried she'd lost some important topographical maps

We looked all morning trying to find them. We looked high and we looked low. Finally, when all hope was lost and she thought she was going to have to re-draw them from scratch, I found some maps in a desk drawer I hadn't checked. When I showed her what I'd found, she said 'Oh, that's a relief!'

A burglar breaks into a house

A burglar breaks into a house and is starting to go through the valuables when he hears "Jesus is watching".

He freezes, looking around for whoever said it, but after a minute of silence he starts to think that maybe he imagined it.

He goes back to rifling through drawers, stealing the...

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NSFW Fresh out of prison, this long time con tries out for a job playing at a piano bar...

So he plays a song for the bar owner who loves it. He gushes. “Incredible! You wrote that in prison?! What's the name of it?”


“I call that one “I smacked down the hooker who was sucking my cock!””


Taken back, the owner just gestures him on. “Play another!”


Again, a b...

My dim witted friend thought his new girlfriend might be ‘the one’.

But after looking through her dresser drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maids outfit and a police woman uniform, he finally decided.....if she can't hold down a job she's not for him..

A couple woke up to banging on their door.

After getting his gun from the drawer, just in case, the man went and opened the door to find his neighbors there. "DON'T USE THE WATER, IT'S POISONED!", they said. He assured them that he and his wife won't drink water and the neighbors left.

He went back to his bedroom and his wife asked h...

Husband calls his wife at home and finds out she's in bed with another man

Husband (H) calls home and the cleaning lady (CL) answers the phone:

CL: Hello?

H: Can I speak to the missus please

CL: She's a bit busy now, she can't come to the phone right now

H: Why? What is she doing?

CL: She's in the bedroom with her friend

H: What fr...

You can tell a lot about a man by how he takes care of his nails

Some keep them in a storage container, in a can, or just lying open in a drawer.

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A young newlywed couple finally makes it back to the honeymoon suite.

As they started to undress, the groom takes off his socks and the bride sees these huge gnarly growths on the groom's toes. She asks him what they were.
Groom says "When I was little I had a case of tolio." Bride says, "Don't you mean polio?". "Nope, tolio" he replied.

Then he takes off ...

Where in the fridge do you store your genetic experiments?

In the CRISPR drawer.

What did the mirror say to the dresser?

I can see your drawers.

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