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My wife hides her diary in the bra drawer.

She knows I'll never open it because it's full of booby traps.

I replaced the handles on a chest of drawers with crucifixes.

Now it's a cross dresser.

What does a hidden compartment in a drawer have in common with Kim Kardashian?

The false bottom

Today i offended a group of drawers

Apparently they prefer the term "artists"

How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

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When I was young I found a dildo in my mum's drawer.

So being young, I took it to her and said, "Mum, what is this?"

She thought for a moment. "It's a stick," she replied, "I use it to help me plant..seeds..in the soil..."

"Oh," I hesitated. "is that why it's so brown?"

A newly hired operations manager spends a week with the outgoing operations manager in order to learn his new duties and responsibilities.

As the outgoing manager gets ready to leave for good, he tells the new manager that he has placed three numbered envelopes in the top drawer of the desk. He tells the new manager that each time he runs into a crisis that he cannot solve to open an envelope, starting with the first one, and follow th...

A man walks into his new job.

He notices a two drawer filing cabinet that is unmarked sitting by his desk, he turns to his coworker and asks.

"Whats in the filing cabinet, I never need actual files."

"The top drawer is not for your eyes, its top secret."

The man asks "Can you at least tell me what is in the ...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

A woman at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her he...

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

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[NSFW] As a teenager, I liked sneaking into girls rooms and rummaging through their drawers to see what I could find.

Usually it was their vagina

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans.

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash.
The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."
"When I did fool ar...

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

A father was walking past his son's bedroom one day and happened to look in.

He was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up off the floor. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

Fearing the worst, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. It said:

*Dea...

A burglar was going through the drawers of someone else's living room

A burglar was going through the drawers of someone else's living room when he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He froze, but after two or three minutes with nothing happening, he figured he'd imagined it, and continued. "Jesus is watching you." He turned and shone his torch across the ...

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

My cartographer wife was worried she'd lost some important topographical maps

We looked all morning trying to find them. We looked high and we looked low. Finally, when all hope was lost and she thought she was going to have to re-draw them from scratch, I found some maps in a desk drawer I hadn't checked. When I showed her what I'd found, she said 'Oh, that's a relief!'

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The Swede’s wife

stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied. ...

A burglar breaks into a house

A burglar breaks into a house and is starting to go through the valuables when he hears "Jesus is watching".

He freezes, looking around for whoever said it, but after a minute of silence he starts to think that maybe he imagined it.

He goes back to rifling through drawers, stealing the...

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A young newlywed couple finally makes it back to the honeymoon suite.

As they started to undress, the groom takes off his socks and the bride sees these huge gnarly growths on the groom's toes. She asks him what they were.
Groom says "When I was little I had a case of tolio." Bride says, "Don't you mean polio?". "Nope, tolio" he replied.

Then he takes off ...

My dog got into my sock drawer today...

I had to re-pair all my socks.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

This guy walks into a barber shop

This guy walks into a barber shop and says to the barber that he never got a good shave on his cheeks.

\- No problem, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from the drawer. Put this ball in your mouth and hold it between your gums and your cheek.

The guy conforms and he gets the f...

Where in the fridge do you store your genetic experiments?

In the CRISPR drawer.

Why does Mike Pence keep all of his clothes in drawers?

Because he can't stand anything coming out of the closet.

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O.C. A coupon has an existential crisis...

A coupon has an existential crisis. He's been sitting in the utility drawer when he notices his expiration date is in a few days.Feeling useless, he walks out of the house and down the road until he comes upon a synagogue. In front of the synagogue is a Rabbi. The Rabbi asks: "Little Coupon! How ma...

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Alexa: I need sex.



**Husband:** Hey Alexa, I need sex.

**Alexa :** most certainly... you Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favourite Thai massager...

I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer

My doctor said that I should stop mixing coffee and redbull

He’s just jealous that I can lock a drawer and still have time to throw the key inside

What’s the easiest way into a woman’s pants?

Through her drawers

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

Emergency call

A man phones up the vet in the middle of the night to tell him his pet dog has swallowed a condom. "You've got to help," he cries. "I don't know what to do."
"It's rather late," said the vet. "But as it's an emergency, I'll be there as soon as I can."
"What should I do in the meantime," says ...

Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home...

... when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'<...

what did the ram say when his mom found drugs in his dresser drawer?

I learned it from watching ewe!

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A man walks into a bank with a briefcase full of cash...

he wants to open an account and deposit it. he is sent to the bank managers office. he sits down and the bank manager says you have $20,000 cash and have never had an account here before and want to open a new account and deposit all this cash, I have to ask where the money came from. the man res...

What's the difference between a kid and a drawer?

A drawer won't scream when I force my junk into it.

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NSFW - Two dildos are in a drawer...

One of them sighs.

So the other asks, "Soft day at work?"

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A married woman visited a healer, seeking advice on her relationship

“Please you have to help me. Everyday my husband comes home from work he beats the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

The healer says: “You see, in every man’s soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger. My anc...

Where does the geneticist keep his GMO vegetables?

In the CRISPR drawer!

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Man and his doctor's advice

A man came to the chamber of a well known doctor.
**Doctor:** Hello and good afternoon. What seems to be the problem?
*Man:* I don't want any more baby, doc. Save me.


**Doctor:** Okay, tell me why can't you stop having a baby?
*Man:* I used a condom so that my semen won't...

My wife began reading 'The Exorcist'.

She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.

I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed. That night was the firs...

What kind of underwear does an artist wear?

Drawers

Two guys were talking about pets

"Yeah, so I have a couple of cats and a chihuahua. What about you, Flynn?"

Flynn looked at the man with a look of both pain and peace. "Well, Danny... I had a dog once."

Daniel sympathetically responded. "What happened?"

Flynn let out a quiet sigh. "It's a long story."

Da...

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NSFW Fresh out of prison, this long time con tries out for a job playing at a piano bar...

So he plays a song for the bar owner who loves it. He gushes. “Incredible! You wrote that in prison?! What's the name of it?”


“I call that one “I smacked down the hooker who was sucking my cock!””


Taken back, the owner just gestures him on. “Play another!”


Again, a b...

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