What does a hidden compartment in a drawer have in common with Kim Kardashian?

The false bottom

Today i offended a group of drawers

Apparently they prefer the term "artists"

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When I was young I found a dildo in my mum's drawer.

So being young, I took it to her and said, "Mum, what is this?"

She thought for a moment. "It's a stick," she replied, "I use it to help me plant..seeds..in the soil..."

"Oh," I hesitated. "is that why it's so brown?"

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans.

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash.
The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."
"When I did fool ar...

I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer

A burglar was going through the drawers of someone else's living room

A burglar was going through the drawers of someone else's living room when he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He froze, but after two or three minutes with nothing happening, he figured he'd imagined it, and continued. "Jesus is watching you." He turned and shone his torch across the ...

Why does Mike Pence keep all of his clothes in drawers?

Because he can't stand anything coming out of the closet.

what did the ram say when his mom found drugs in his dresser drawer?

I learned it from watching ewe!

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

Son's Note

##

A father was walking past his son's bedroom one day and happened to look in.

He was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up off the floor. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

Fearing t...

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[NSFW] As a teenager, I liked sneaking into girls rooms and rummaging through their drawers to see what I could find.

Usually it was their vagina

My dog got into my sock drawer today...

I had to re-pair all my socks.

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A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

He grabs the guy’s cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.

The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn b...

A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing.

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

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O.C. A coupon has an existential crisis...

A coupon has an existential crisis. He's been sitting in the utility drawer when he notices his expiration date is in a few days.Feeling useless, he walks out of the house and down the road until he comes upon a synagogue. In front of the synagogue is a Rabbi. The Rabbi asks: "Little Coupon! How ma...

My doctor said that I should stop mixing coffee and redbull

He’s just jealous that I can lock a drawer and still have time to throw the key inside

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Alexa: I need sex.



**Husband:** Hey Alexa, I need sex.

**Alexa :** most certainly... you Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favourite Thai massager...

Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home...

... when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'<...

The gentleman husband called home...

... and the butler picked up.

Husband (H): Where is my lady? Give her the phone.

Butler (B): Good Afternoon Sir, umm, well, she is in the bedroom with someone.

H (Infuriated): What? What are they doing?
Butler checked and informed him that they were kissing.

H (Very ...

My dim witted friend thought his new girlfriend might be ‘the one’.

But after looking through her dresser drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maids outfit and a police woman uniform, he finally decided.....if she can't hold down a job she's not for him..

Emergency call

A man phones up the vet in the middle of the night to tell him his pet dog has swallowed a condom. "You've got to help," he cries. "I don't know what to do."
"It's rather late," said the vet. "But as it's an emergency, I'll be there as soon as I can."
"What should I do in the meantime," says ...

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A distressed woman visits a healer.

“Please, you have to help me. Every day when my husband comes home from work, he beats the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

The healer says: “You see, in every man’s soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger....

Where does the geneticist keep his GMO vegetables?

In the CRISPR drawer!

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Man and his doctor's advice

A man came to the chamber of a well known doctor.
**Doctor:** Hello and good afternoon. What seems to be the problem?
*Man:* I don't want any more baby, doc. Save me.


**Doctor:** Okay, tell me why can't you stop having a baby?
*Man:* I used a condom so that my semen won't...

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

What kind of underwear does an artist wear?

Drawers

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A man walks into a bank with a briefcase full of cash...

he wants to open an account and deposit it. he is sent to the bank managers office. he sits down and the bank manager says you have $20,000 cash and have never had an account here before and want to open a new account and deposit all this cash, I have to ask where the money came from. the man res...

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

My wife began reading 'The Exorcist'.

She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.

I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed. That night was the firs...

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NSFW Fresh out of prison, this long time con tries out for a job playing at a piano bar...

So he plays a song for the bar owner who loves it. He gushes. “Incredible! You wrote that in prison?! What's the name of it?”


“I call that one “I smacked down the hooker who was sucking my cock!””


Taken back, the owner just gestures him on. “Play another!”


Again, a b...

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber gets him lathered, he mentions he can't get a close shave on his cheeks.

"I have just the thing" the barber takes a small wooden ball from a small drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum" The customer places the ball in...

I bought my wife a gift for Christmas and hid it in the perfect spot, a place she would never look.

I put it in her lingerie drawer.

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“You just awoke.” Grandpa asks, “Why so blue?”

I reply “It appears I sent a drunk text to five of my exes last night before I slept.”

“I know how you feel.” He goes, “I had the same sadness whenever I did that before I met your granny.”

“You texted?” I ask.

“No,” he says, “Sometimes I’d wake up Sunday morning, open the drawe...

The Pharmacist and a Thermometer

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the drug...

Two guys were talking about pets

"Yeah, so I have a couple of cats and a chihuahua. What about you, Flynn?"

Flynn looked at the man with a look of both pain and peace. "Well, Danny... I had a dog once."

Daniel sympathetically responded. "What happened?"

Flynn let out a quiet sigh. "It's a long story."

Da...

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A man goes to a Psychologist...

The doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?"

The patient replies "Well, I think I might be obsessed with sex."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and pulls out a set of Rorschach test cards. He picks up the top card and shows it to the man, asking "What do you see on this card?"
<...

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Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

A man calls his home and his newly appointed butler picks up the phone...

Still a little nervous about his newly assigned duties, the butler answered nervously “Hello, who’s this?”

The man was a little frustrated with the butler’s lack of experience and so he replied impatiently “It’s your boss you idiot!”

Feeling guilty about not recognizing his own boss’s...

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The Swede, The Irishman & The Scotsman

The Swede's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

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So a man is having some bedroom issues

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor I need your help. When I making love to my wife, I also seem to cum before she does. Hell, I do it before I’m even ready.” The doctor consoles him that this is a perfectly normal issue. When pressed for a fix, he thinks for a few seconds and pul...

A man goes to a barber for a shave

While the barber is lathering him up, the man admits to having a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.


''Here, try this'', says the barber, pulling a small wooden ball from a drawer. '' Place the ball between your right cheek and gum and I'll show you how close a shave can be.''...

Swiss Army Knifes

A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.

The next day, he called her ...

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The bloke with turrets syndrome

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, mother fucking manager, you cock sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from usi...

Blonde Logic

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all wanna be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
...

Hotel in Moscow

As a young man, Nickolai joined in the Bolshevik Revolution and was decorated for his role, and was invited to Moscow for the celebration, and put up in a big hotel there.
He had grown up in a remote village where there was no plumbing and knew nothing of toilets, so when he felt the call of natu...

Neglected Little Cornflake

There's a little cornflake in the cornflake box, sitting on the table. This cornflake, like all others, wants only to be eaten, that's his goal, his purpose.
He knows that today is his day, he hears the man of the house comes down the stairs, coming for his breakfast. The man sits at the table an...

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Voodoo Penis

There was a business man always on the road and was really never home to be with his wife. The wife was getting lonely so he decided on his trip to New Orleans he was going to get her a gift.

He went into a shady corner shop and asked the owner if he had anything that would help his wife fro...

A woman in line at a bank...

A woman is standing in a long line waiting for a bank teller. All of a sudden a masked man bursts into the bank waving a gun around. He demands all the cash from the bank tellers' drawers, the turns around and points the gun at the woman in line. He runs up to her, reached in his pocket and pulls ou...

A man goes to the doctor for an annual checkup

When the doctor walks in he looks at the man’s chart and says “although it is awkward, I believe you are the right age for a prostate exam.”
The man sighs, bends over the table and drops his drawers.
“Now just to let you know this may cause an erection,” warns the doctor.
“I think I’ll be f...

The New Army recruit

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

When I was a toddler, my Italian mother caught me in her study.

I'd gotten into a drawer full of Greek plays. She walked in to catch me tearing Hippolytus in half. I'd done the same to others as well. The Bacchae, Heracles, Madea. As I stood there, happily shredding what had to be a 120 year old text, she began flailing and screaming.

"My a-beautiful boy...

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Jack off...

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.

They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that th...

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

Pinocchio [NSFW]

Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!"

Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?"

"You're too rough."

Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..."

She responds, ...

The Moth Joke

So, a moth walks into a podiatrist's office. The podiatrist asks "What seems to be the problem?" The Moth responds:

"Oh, Doctor Gregory Illonivich, I've aged so very much. I wake up in bed every morning-weak and out of breath- and I roll over to see this old lady that I don't know any more s...

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Since wife is seven months pregnant,

the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the drawer, takes out a fifty dollar bill and gives it to him. “Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight and remember that this happens ...

A guy starts his first day at a bakery...

The boss says, "We're a healthy, whole-food bakery, so we put vegetables in every type of bread that we make." He shows the new guy to the back room, where there are rows of file cabinets with pictures of vegetables on them.

"Here's where we keep the carrot dough," the boss says, opening a fi...

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Favourite one-liner?

"stationary shop moves" - Jimmy Carr

**Another favourite -** "I keep my porno tapes in my sock drawer, it's all you need in one place" - Jason Manford

A Doctor tries to con an Engineer

There was an Engineer who was unemployed for a very long time. Being unable to find any kind of work, he decided to open up a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside the clinic that said "We guarantee we can find a cure for your ailment, for the price of $500. If we fail to do so, we will compensat...

A blonde walks in on her husband cheating on her

Sobbing uncontrollably, she pulls out the gun from the drawer and puts the barrel under her chin.

"No, honey! Don't! I'm sorry; don't leave me alone with the kids!"

Glaring through her tears, the blonde yells:

"Oh, don't worry. You're going to be next."

A man goes into an antique shop

He sees a very attractive cabinet on sale for $1500, and he asks the owner why it's so expensive, wondering if it was by a famous cabinetmaker. But the owner says, "No, it's a magic cabinet!"

"How do you mean?" says the customer.

"Well, watch this," says the owner. "How many grandc...

How to drive your wife wild in the bedroom.

Leave all of the dresser drawers slightly ajar with a little piece of clothing sticking out.

A woman is cleaning out her husband's bedside table...

...and when she gets to the bottom drawer she finds 3 eggs and $3,458.

Confused, she asks her husband about it. He sighs, then says sadly, "You'd better sit down."

She sits, looking anxious. "We've been married for over 30 years", he starts, "and in that time, I've... well I've been un...

A man decides to get a pet for his wife for Christmas

He walks until the only pet store in town and begins to browse. He started to walk towards the dogs, but noticed the parrots next to the checkout. As he admires the birds, he notices that one of them was triple the price of the rest.

Intrigued, the man asks the owner, "What is so special abou...

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A man takes his wife to the doctor NSFW

A man takes his wife to the doctor for nymphomania. Reluctantly the doctor agrees to examine the woman. Alone he asks her to disrobe and lie on the table.

Dutifully he examines her but the woman is squirming and moaning and begging for sex. The doctor decides, what's the harm, and drops trou...

A guy calls home

'Hello!?'

'Hey! Honey, you wouldn't believe the day I'm having right now, I lost my phone!'

'Hello, I'm not your wife, I'm Cecelia, your new maid!'

'Oh! That's great! Welcome! I'm having a crazy day right now, can you please hand the phone to my wife?'

'I would but she ju...

The Spice Mafia

It is a little known fact that some people want spices that they cannot obtain legally. Be it decades-old oregano, salt from the Last Supper, or the flesh of Sean Spicer, some people love strange and unusual spices. However, in order to obtain these spices, they only have one place to turn: the Spic...

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly s...

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Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.

The first nun said, "I was going through father's desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer."

The second nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"

"I burned them."

The second nun then said, "I was going through father's drawers and found a box of condoms."
...

A 30 centimeter tall doctor

Goes to the captain of the ship he is in charge of. With genuine sadness in his eyes he asks:

- Captain why do I have to be so short? I can't handle it anymore, everyone keeps making fun of me.

The captain, understanding his problem, replies.

- Listen closely. This ship is spec...

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A husband is tired of getting beaten by his wife...

A husband is tired of getting beaten by his wife in everything. He challenged her to basketball, to which she promptly beat him 10 - 2. He challenged her to bowling, again she won 230 to 211. He tried other sports, board games, eating contests, etc. to which she beat him each time.

He was...

A man and a woman get married...

On their first night in the new house, the man says to the woman:
"Darling, there will be no secrets between us, except this one. Don't you ever open the drawer of my nightstand. We will be fine with this little rule."
And, sure enough, they lead a very harmonic life, have wonderful kids, ...

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Two pathologists are in a morgue...

...one says to the other,

"Hey, you know the blonde stiff in container C-06?"

"Yeah?" the other replies.

"Well, there's a prawn in between her legs."

"What?!"

"Yes, I swear!"

"Bullshit, show me."

The pathologist leads the other to the container, pulls...

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[Long] An old gambler sits down at a bar and orders a drink. After a few drinks the gambler calls the bartender over and says "I'll bet you $100 dollars I can wrap my knee around my neck.

"The bartender thinks to himself that's impossible there's no way that old man is that limber so he says "I'll take that bet" and pulls a $100 dollars from the drawer. The old gambler removes his prosthetic leg and wraps it around his neck grabs the hundred dollars and buys another round.

Af...

Condom

Many years ago

Just before leaving to meet my first real girlfriend,
My Dad pulled me into his bedroom,
He opened his bedside drawer and handed me a condom.
With a wink he said, 'Take care, Son, I'm proud of you'

To this day I'm not sure what was worse:

My Dad's k...

[Blonde] A blonde comes home early and finds her husband with another girl...

...so she runs out of the room and the husband follows her. She gets to the kitchen and grabs a gun from the drawer and points it at her head. The husband starts crying as tells her, "Wait don't do it I still love you it was just a mistake!" The blonde replies, "Shut up you're next!"

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A woman is looking for a birthday gift for her husband...

She goes all around town, to all the sporting stores, department stores, gadget/computer stores, can't find anything her husband would like or doesn't have.

She decides to go downtown and walks around looking at interesting boutique stores when she ends up walking into a very strange looking ...

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