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why dont blind people skydive?

it scares the fuck outta the dog

What does someone from India do when they dont feel like going in to work?

They call in Sikh

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

Dont buy Ukrainian Boxer Shorts

Chernobyl fall out

Hookers dont fart

They let out little prosti-toots

Most people dont seem to like my nature joke

Everyone who listens to it leaves

I dont drink coffee to wake up…

I wake up to drink coffee.

Dont Blame Someone Else For All The Things That Happen In Your Life And The Road You Have Chosen...

Thats Your Own Asphalt

If you call the suicide prevention line and they dont answer what you do?

You hang up

I have two arms for my self defence and they work everytime.

Dont know who they actually belongs to but it freaks out the opponent whenever i take them out.

Why dont people from abusive families report the violence?

Because first rule of fight club is not to talk about the fight club

I dont like Dream fans

I just can't stan them.

ill give you $80 to believe a lie, but if you dont believe it you have to pay me $20. ok, guy agrees.

Ive already paid you as $100 and am waiting for my change.

I have lots of viking jokes. I came up with all of them, but I dont know if they are original.

Musical viking = Vising.
Viking ok motorcycle = Biking.
Viking that rules = ViKing.
Viking with glasses =Veyeking.
Viking that is leaving = Byeking.
Viking that enjoys = Liking.
Viking who lies = Lieking.
Viking in forest = Hiking.
Viking with weed = Highking.
Viking in ai...

Me: I dont curse

Friend: You promise?

Me: I swear

I dont get why people are laughing in quarantine..

Must be an inside joke

I took a pole recently and turns out that 100% of people dont like it..

When their tent falls down...

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Please dont call us grammar nazis

we prefer the term "alt-write"

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

I dont usually tell dad jokes

But when I do, he usually laughs

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

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What sex position creates the ugliest babies?

I dont know. You should ask your mom.

What are some jokes with multiple punchlines? Here is an example what i mean:

A journalist was about to interview a company that advertised 100% chicken meat sausages.
The interviewer asked if the sausages are realy 100% chicken meat.
Company director:"well this is a secret, but for the sausages to remain juicy, we need to add some horse meat"
Interviewer: "Horse mea...

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

I dont know what land got sold to the US by Russia but my mum does...

Alaska

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A joke

Jeff and Tim were sitting at a bar drinking, and Jeff turned to Tim and said, “y’know i never got me a proper education. I think I’ll go down to the community college and sign up for some classes”.
So Jeff later that day went to the community college and spoke to a man and the man told him “I’ll ...

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands when a man walks up to him and says:


-Hey pal, can I buy your rifle?


-Of course not! There are fighter jets stored in here, what am I gonna if something happens and I dont have a gun?


-Dont worry, you could jus...

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NSFW : Why dont I like anal sex ?

Because it's Shitty

How many mice does it take to screw In a lightbulb?

2...but I dont know how they got in there

how many people have been vaccinated all across the globe?

i dont have the exact number, but its probably moderna few.

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

Why dont peple fish for non metals?

Because it is very boron

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Why dont they teach sex ed and drivers ed on the same day in the Middle East?

The camel gets tired

Short people dont 69

They just 'ea'

My hairs been getting long lately, my family keeps telling me to cut it, but I dont know...

Its kinda been growing on me

There are 10 types of people in this world

those who understand binary and those who dont

Two rednecks join the army, after a couple of years they both are higher up in the ranks

Jim-bob "hey huck, we got to go to that STD talk later", huck "No we dont", jim-bob "why not ?", huck " because them STD's only affects the privates"

I dont even know what borrowing language is...

But I'll take your word for it.

I usually dont get school shooting jokes.

Typically they are aimed at a younger audience.

Why dont people wear watches on their belts?

Because it would be a waist of time.

Why dont you ever see beggers over 65?

Because old people hate change

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Friend of mine pointed to a dog lickiin on his own balls and says to me: “Dont you wish you could do that!”

I says yeah! But I’d be afraid he might bite me.

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Scooby

Shaggy always let's scooby doo roll all their joints because shaggys joints dont always turn out good but scoobies Doobies do.

you dont know real pain until you...

...learn the french word for bread

Dont be racist

Be like me. I like all races even the bad ones

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Russian and German go to hell...

Russian and German died and went to st. Peter. St. Peter asks both of them.
"Well, both of you did bad things in your life so you are definitely going to hell. But I'll give you a choice today. You can choose, go to Russian hell and eat a bucket of shit every morning or go to German hell and eat...

90% of the women that wear yoga pants dont do yoga

And 100% of men dont care.

Old one: why dont cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny.

I dont have a family tree.

Its more like a family cactus,
Cause they’re all pricks.

The thing we want others to have but dont want ourselves is

Lag

If you get an email with the subject "knock knock", dont open it.

It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.

Dont challange Death to a pillow fight

...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.

I dont understand why they say cancer is so hard to beat

I'm already on stage 4

A traffic cop pulls over a guy for speeding.

As he approaches the car dorr he asks the driver for his license and the cars papers. The driver awnsers: i dont got a license and the car is stolen.
The cop was baffled and uttered: are you serious?! The driver awnsers: i'm always serious after a few lines of blow up my nose dude...
The cop:...

"Do you know my father is a doctor?"

Guy 2: Wow! My father is a doctor too!

Guy 1: Phillip is my last name.

Guy 2 [excited]: Omg! My surname is Phillip too.

Guy 1: I'm 23 years old.

Guy 2: What? Get out of here [laughing], I'm also 23 years old.

Guy 1: Don't tell me that you are born on the 14th of Au...

If you think you are nothing and worthless, please dont

Your kindeys and your lungs are worth $7000. You can sell me your organs at any time

Why dont hookers do black friday specials?

Because they usually have things half off.

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A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says

"Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"

The doctor says

"I would seem so, Mercury is in Uranus after all"

The man scoffs,

"No offence doc, but I dont believe in astrology"

"Neither do I" answers the doctor, "My thermo...

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( Nsfw )i am iraqi and ill translate a joke my brother told me plz dont mind the bad grammer

A guy who lives in the countryside one day went to the city and he saw how diffrent things are there
In the city he meet some people and one of them told him about blow jobs and how it happens
So after he went back he told his wife to feed the kids
She did
He told her to make the kid...

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A Englishman was sitting in his barn then a welshman came

Englishman: ‟That your dog?”

Welshman: ‟Yep.”

Englishman: ‟Mind if I speak to him?”

Welshman: ‟Dog dont talk But.”

Englishman: ‟Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: ‟Doin’ all right.”

Welshman: (Look of shock!)

Englishman: ‟Is this Welshman your owner?” (Po...

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Army man dont want deploy

So army man sees dress woman and ask to go under dress

Army pass by and ask her where army man is

She say she dont kno

Army man says sorry for being under her dress but says she has nice leg

Lady said look up further and you find nice dick

Man was confused

L...

Dont you hate it when your driving along smoking

and you flick you cigarette out the window, a few miles on you smell something funny and sure enough, grandma is fingering herself again

The Pig With a Wooden Leg

A TV reporter became lost on the back roads and stopped at a farm to get directions. As he was talking to the farmer he noticed a pig with a wooden leg.

“This could be a great story for the Six O’Clock News. How did that pig lose his leg?” he asked the farmer. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s...

People dont laugh at my communist jokes :(

They laugh at OUR communist jokes

I dont always roll a joint...

But when I do, its my ankle

A traveling salesman had got lost one day while driving through the Midwest farm country. So he stopped at a farm house for directions.

While the farmer was giving the salesman directions, he noticed all the farm animals were penned except a 3 legged pig roaming around the farm yard.

Curious the salesman asked the farmer what was the story about the 3 legged pig.

"Why this is no ordinary pig. In fact he's quite amazing...

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What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

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World War 2 joke

Sometime around 1943, when the Germans were losing the war, Hitler decided to boost his army's morale by visiting the front.

While there, he had the oppurtunity to interact with a soldier. He commented, "My brave young man, you are risking your life for the country by standing in the way of t...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?

Edit:Wow thanks for the gold kind strangerr

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me :i dont like capitalization in words, it's a waste of time

Teacher:Its important for one really good reason, because it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

Why do PC builders hate adoption?

Because they dont want a pre-build

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Archeologists have just discovered the oldest known tampon.

They just dont know what period it's from.

I dont believe in using animals for testing...

They always get all nervous and pick the wrong answers.

You know why people dont make "your dad" jokes?

Because they cant see him behind your mom.

Why do islamic people dont play chess?

Because the woman can move freely

Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can grip their broom better.

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell...

...upon further reflection, I may have misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

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Im just looking for a guy i dont care if he's handsome or a dick to me.

Just as long as he handsome dick to me.

You know why churches dont have wifi?

Cause they don’t want to deal with an invisible power that actually works


Not original, a friend told it to me years ago.

How can someone get some sweet Reddit karma when they dont deserve it?

Piece of cake

Do t-rex like explosions

I dont know but another dino might

My friends always complain that I can eat so much and never gain weight. I've told them its because I workout like crazy but they say I'm lying. Well they're kinda right, but I dont lie....

IBS.

Please dont

I was sitting beside hot thai girl and all i could think was "please dont get erection, please dont get erection"
But she did

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Did you know people who put concrete in their ass get memory loss?

I dont remember where i read that though

Nothing is built in the USA anymore...

Just bought a new TV...says "Built in Antennae"

Hell, I dont even know where that is....

I dont know why but when I adjusted my sleeping position

Everyone at the cremetory freaked out.

Man, they ruined a good sleep

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A man walks into a bar...

... sits on the bar stool and lets out a deep sigh.

The bartender notices asks "What the problem Joe?"

The replies "My wife is upset. She told me I dont complement her enough. I told her shes a simple woman but apparently she heard that before."

"Hey Joe, I got a thesaurus over...

You think people dont care about you and you are alone?

Dont pay the rent for few months or the money you owe a bank - im sure someone will get in touch with you

I dont mean to brag about my drum jokes but um...

tsss

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A construction company builds a 5 stories apartment building but with no bathroom

A reporter asks the contractor:

"Why didn't you build any bathroom in the building?"

The contractor replies:
"The first floor is a kindergarten, they go potty so no need for a bathroom"

"The second floor is for high ranking officials, they've got people to wipe their ass fo...

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