Phone: "You got a notification from Tinder!"

Me: "Oh my gosh!! Lemme see!"


Tinder: "We miss you!"

An owl walks into a bar, and hops up on a stool. “Pull me a Guiness,” he says.

The bartender is a bit confused because he never had a talking animal in his bar before, but the owl has a little drawstring purse around his neck and puts the money down on the bar. So the bartender pulls him his Guiness, and as he’s handing it to the fellow, he notices that the owl has one wing in...

My uncle bought a piano from Nigeria.

So he brings it home and hires a guy to come tune it. The piano tuner struggles with it and after five minutes says, “Lemme guess... West African piano?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” my uncle responds.

“Well, West African pianos are notoriously hard to tune,” he says, “not like North Afri...

What did the nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?

Lemme give you a taste of your own medicine

Lemme tell you something about Avatar Season 3.

It’s Fire.

During a flight in a private jat, three millionaires are talking: an American, an Arab Sheik and a Brazilian.

At a certain
point in the travel, they wanted to know
where in the world they are. But the
American has an idea and says:
"I think we are in New York. Let me confirm"
So he opens his window (believe me, it was
a very modern airplane) and put his arm
out. "I was right. Just touch...

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Mom takes her 3 sons to the dr.

Dr gives them the yearly physical. Results come in, low iron. Dr prescribes iron tablets.

A week later the youngest son comes up to his mom with a problem. She asks what it is. The son says he's peeing bb's. Mom says thats fine, I put more iron in your diet.

Two weeks later the middle ...

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I'm a Leprechaun!

A man was at a club and after several drinks, of course he had to go to the bathroom. When he started relieving himself in the trough, he noticed a dwarf a few feet down the trough. He glanced down and saw that the dwarf was hung like a horse.

“Damn! How does a little guy like you have such a...

Lemme tell ya, My Wife keeps me in line

no matter how many guys are in head of me

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A guy goes to the bar and orders 5 shots of Whiskey....

....the bartender asks, “Is the rest of the party parking, or...?”

Guy replies, “No, actually, they’re all for me. Had my first blow job today.”

Bartender says, “No shit! Lemme line up a sixth, on the house!”

Guy says, “Don’t bother, if five don’t kill the taste, nothing will.”

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A man walks into a rooftop bar

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally return...

The pope dies and goes to heaven

So St. Peter opens the door.

Peter: Yup, who is it?

Pope: It's me. The pope.

Peter: Who?

Pope (incredulous): The pope. Christ's successor in the church.

Peter (sizes him up, snickers): Hold that thought.

He closes the pearly gates and asks for Jesus to come ...

An Aligator and a Monkey meet by the river. The monkey is smoking something.

Aligator: Hey, what have you got there?

Monkey: I've got some of that good stuff man, it's that OG kush everyone's been talking about, you'll take one puff and you're gone! I'm telling you!

Aligator: Nah, mate,that's bull, lemme try some tho.

Aligator pulls once, nothing. Twice....

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A horse attempts to enter a Walmart

He's immediately stopped at the door by a staff member.

"Sorry sir, you need to have a mask on to enter here."

"That's silly!", the horse exclaimed. "I'm a HORSE! I'm in no danger of contracting nor spreading coronavirus! Plus where am I supposed to find a mask to fit MY face?!"
...

Linda goes to her parents' house with her husband, Brian, for Thanksgiving.

As they walk in, Brian says, "Lemme go to the bathroom real quick."

And so Linda sits down in the living room with her dad and asks, "Where's mom?"

Her dad replies, "She's not feeling too well. She's in bed right now."

And then Linda goes to her mom's room and says, "Brian, what...

A robot walks into a barber shop.

The barber is shaving customer's beard when the robot enters and waves at him. The barber smiles and asks the customer: "See this robot? Guy thinks he's so smart, but lemme show you something. You'll be surprised how dumb these machines actually are."

"Hey, robot, look at me!" the barber says...

What did the meteor say to the planet?

Lemme smash

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked...

MAID: -What would you like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

ME: -Tea pls.

MAID: -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?

ME: -Ceylon Tea pls.

MAID: -How do you want it, black or white?...

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Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck.

Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck.

The first one says "Every morning I wake up at 6:00. At 6:30 I piss for half an hour, just standing there as piss dribbles out. At 7:00 I shit for an hour before I can squeeze anything out. I hate this life...

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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Sorry, buddy. No dogs allowed."
The guy answers, "But this dog is special. He talks."

"Oh really?"

The guy turns to the dog and says, "Butch, what's on top of a house?"
Butch answers, "Roof."

The bartender fold his arms and says,"I'm not in the moo...

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.

“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”

The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.

“No, that’s our prize money.”

“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar com...

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

Three Ducks Go to Heaven

Okay, three ducks die and go to heaven. Gabriel is at the gate and he tells the ducks, "Tell me, honestly, how you died, and I'll let you into heaven."
So the first duck goes, "Well, my name's Quack and I was watching my friend blow bubbles underwater when a jet ski came by and hit me in the head...

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The frustrated parents of an acting-out adolescent go to a developmental therapist for advice on how to handle their kid.

"We don't get it, doc," the father begins, "A couple of months ago, she just stopped talking to us."

"Completely locked us out of everything," the mother continues, "We didn't change anything or do anything different, but it's like a switch was flipped, or something."

The therapist, st...

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At a bar, my friend made an astounding pool shot.

I asked how he did it. He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."

After he finished destroying me at pool, we were playing darts and he hit nothing but bullseyes. I was pretty pissed. I asked, "Lemme guess. A line like magic?" He...

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A retiree is sitting on his porch one afternoon, when little Johnny walks by...

...pulling his little red wagon, loaded with a whole bunch of wire, behind him.

"Hey Johnny, " calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon?"

"Chicken wire, " says little Johnny.

"Whatcha gonna do with that, Johnny?" asks the retiree.

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" s...

Why do people on r/jokes repost?

Shoot, I forgot. lemme find the original post real quick

My brother and I both went to the mall today.

We were both hanging around, having a nice time together. Then suddenly out of a blue, a guy came up to us, holding a lighter in his hand. He looked awfully fishy and he gave us a strange stare.


"Hey, boys. Ya mind if I ask ya a question?"


"What is it?" My brother asked, unper...

My ThermoFluids prof told us this one before a final

Four engineers get into a car and try to turn it on, but it doesn't start.

The mechanical engineer immediately pipes up and says "The pistons must be shot! Someone get me tool kit and I'll take apart the engine to fix it."

The chemical engineer then goes "No, no, no the fuel is clearly...

Farmer John owned a pool.

Every night these three ducks would sneak in and splash around, keeping John up at night.

Eventually, John got sick of it and called the police on the ducks.

They were brought before the judge the next day.

"Alright," the Judge said. "What I need you to do is walk up here and st...

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A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

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Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbledupon a Genie's lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it...

Three car salesmen have a wreck on the way to work

They all arrive at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter says "Let me ask you a question before admitting you to heaven."

To the first he says "My son, while on Earth did you lead a good life?"
"Oh yes, " says the first man," I had thirty years of marriage to a wonderful woman and I was hones...

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Three conspiracy theorists are sitting at a bar.

“Man, I can’t believe NASA thinks we’d eat up that moon landing bullshit,” one of them says.

“I know, right?” says another. “Everyone knows deep down that it was fake.”

“The moon is way too far away for anybody to realistically land on!” the third one interjects. “If they could do it, ...

Three Ducks are in Court

They are about to take to the stand against Judge Swan.

The first duck steps up.

“What is your name and why are you here?”, said Judge Swan

“My name is Quack and I’m here for blowing bubbles in the pond”

Judge Swan waves her hand, signaling for the next duck.

The...

A man walks into a bar......

An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the th...

So, a dude hits on a girl he had a crush on for a while.

Him: Damn, girl! Are you New York City??
Her: Lol, no. Why?
Him: Cos you're looking very NYC today.

After Dating for a month:

Him: Damn, girl! Are you a newspaper?
Her: Uh, lemme guess, you think I'm the storehouse of knowledge?
Him: Nah, there's a new issue with ya every d...

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A man dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he sees Satan approaching him and is terrified for what torments await him.

"Welcome, dude! Don't be so afraid. You're gonna love this place," says Satan with a beaming smile.

"I am?" the man asks nervously.

"Sure you will! All that talk of this place being ...

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Taking a neighborhood walk one day, a man comes across another man in the middle of the street jumping up and down on a manhole cover

...and with each jump he calls out "21! 21! 21!" Repeatedly. Finally, after growing annoyed watching, the man on the sidewalk offers, "It's 22, you know. The next number...?" Manhole guy "21! 21! Yeah, I know. 21! 21!"

Sidewalk guy watches a little longer. "Why are you even doing that...?" Ma...

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A man sends his son out with a duck and tells him to make some money

So the son naturally heads for the county fair to see if anyone wants to buy it. Along the way, he sees this ugly prostitute.

The prostitute walks up to him and says, "Hey that's a nice duck you got there. Tell ya what. If you give me that duck, I'll fuck you."

So they go into the wo...

What happens to short people when they smoke weed , do they get high or medium?

Lemme tell you what happens to them
They get offended.

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A 90 year old man went to his doctor for his monthly visit... [NSFW]

**Doctor**: Hello Mr. Smith, how have you been doing?

**Mr Smith**: Well Doc, things have been going great. I fucked a 20 year old girl who is now pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that eh?

**Doctor**: '___' for a few minutes.

Okay Mr. Smith lemme tell you a sto...

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The rabbit(R) is sitting by the lake smoking weed, a beaver(B) is swimming by, sees the rabbit and asks

B: hey, what you got there?
R: oh, this thing is called weed and it does some insane shit. You inhale hold it, swit to the other side and exhale. It makes you feel sooooo goood.
B: lemme try
The rabbit gives him the weed, the beaver does like the rabbit said, comes out the other side of the...

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Two homies from Oakland decide to go on a road trip, without a destination...

As Tyrrell is loading the trunk with booze, weed, and all sorts of ill shit, Jerome is loading himself up with all sorts of bling. They jump in the low riding Cutlass and hit the road.

A few days of mindless driving goes by, Tyrrell asks Jerome: "Ay bruh, where we at?" Jerome responds: "Sheee...

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So a new guy joins the navy...

And when he gets on his first boat, the captain welcomes him. “What’s up new guy, lemme show u around the ship.” For the next few hours they tour the ship going from bunks to the corridors, everything you can imagine. Eventually the new guy stops him with a question in mind.
He asks, “ Hey, it’s...

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A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank and said to the teller, “I wanna open a fucking checking account.”

“Certainly, sir,” answered the teller, “but there’s no need to use that kind of language.”
“Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account,” growled the would-be customer.

“I’ll be glad to be of service, sir,” said the teller, flushing slightly, “but I would appre...

My dad's lame holiday joke

During the holiday season, a man is aimlessly drifting around a shopping center, wondering what to get his wife for Christmas. Wandering into a pet store, he asks the shop assistant, "Hey, buddy, you got anything with a Christmas-type theme in here?"

"Well, there is Chet, the parrot," the...

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Tonight I'm having a party for people who struggle to reach an orgasm

just lemme know if you can't come

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New fish...

It's a guy's first day in prison and he's not taking to it very well. He's off in the corner with that thousand -yard stare, hugging himself and rocking back and forth.
An old timer takes pity on him and walks over.

"How ya' doin', Kid? Having a rough time I see."

"Yeah, well- lo...

A man is pulled over by a rookie cop...

When the cop approaches the window, the man produces his papers then says “I’m sure you’re going to ask about the body in the trunk since you obviously smell the weed.” The cop nearly fell back, but before he could utter a word, the man said “just be careful, the knife is under my seat.” The rookie...

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So a man walks into a bar and sees a guy with 6 beers sitting at the bar

So he walks over to the bar and casually asked the guy "6 beers?! What's the occasion?"

The guy glances up and says "celebrating my first blowjob."

The man gets excited and says "Congratulations! Lemme buy you another one for the occasion!"

The guy replied, "No thanks, if 6 beer...

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You Never Know What We'll Get

It was the height of the depression and man was feeling pretty lonely. As he was out of work and only had a dollar to his name he made his way to the local house of ill-repute in the hopes of curbing his loneliness. He walks in, approaches the Madam and says, 'say, all I've got is a dollar. Is there...

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Three mice are throwing back whiskey and talkin' tough.

The first mouse says, "I'm not saying I'm the biggest badass in the world, but lemme just tell you what I do each morning. I grab a nice big hunk of rat poison and crush it in my paws and sprinkle it in my coffee. Just for the buzz."

The second mouse says, "You think that's tough? Me, I wake ...

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So this old farmer is sitting on his front porch one morning...

...with his cup of coffee and reading his daily newspaper. After a little bit, he notices young little Timmy walking down the road carring a roll of chicken wire. The farmer stands up and shouts

"Boy! Whatchu fixin' to do with that chicken wire???"

Young Timmy stops and shouts back "...

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A jew and a mexican are talking...

The jew says, "lemme ask you something, are theres jews in mexico?"

The mexican replies "oh yes my friend, plenty of jews...apple jews, orange jews, and tomato jews."

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An Irishman walks into a cozy Brooklyn pub....

And he nods to the bartender.

"What can I getcha?"

The Irishman says, "Three pints of Guinness please."

"Sure thing, I'll pour this first one, just lemme know when you're ready for beer number two."

"No, no," says the Irishman, "If it's not a problem, just pour all three...

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A guy's first blowjob

This young guy walks into a bar with a big smile on his face. He pulls up a chair and the bartender sees him beaming and asks, "What're you so happy about, kid?"
He responds, "Oh, well, I just got my first blowjob."
The bartender says, "Wow! Good for you kid! Lemme buy you a drink, what'll you...

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An ethnically diverse group of people are doing something…

An African-American, a Mexican-American, Jewish-American, and a white man are walking along the beach in Florida. One of them stumbles over a lamp and as he picks it up, a genie appears. The genie thanks them from freeing him from the lamp and offers them each a wish. The African-American says, "My ...

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Boudreaux and Thibodeaux had been hunting together ever since they were kids.

Squirrel, rabbit, quail, deer, you name it - cleaned and on the table. Now old men, Thibodeaux had developed a habit that greatly annoyed ol' Boudreaux... he would wander off, find a nice comfy spot to rest, and fall asleep, leaving Boudreaux to wander the woods looking for his friend.

Well, ...

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The ostrich

A man and an ostrich pull up to a main-street pub in a brand-new ferrari. They park up and enter the bar. The man says to the bartender, "Lemme get a cheeseburger, some chips, and a pint of lager." The ostrich leans forward and says, "I'll have the same."

They finish eating and receive the bi...

A centurion and his cohort walk into a bar...

The bartender sighs and says, "Lemme guess. You either want one martinus or you'll hold up two fingers in a V and ask for five."

The centurion stabbed him because the bartender was a Gaul.

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Ol' Man and the little boy.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" He says. "Roll of chicken wire." Said the little boy.

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some c...

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There's no chocolate ice cream...

A man walks into a local ice cream parlor and looks at the menu and orders a single scoop of chocolate ice cream.
Employee: "Sorry, we're all out of chocolate ice cream today."
Customer: " Awhhh... well, okay." "Umm... lemme get a double scoop of chocolate ice cream."
The employee sighs and...

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Bear with a dead list

The bear writes a death list. News of his death list spread across the forest like wildfire. Some of the animals who hear about it decide to go ask the bear about the list, thinking, that living in uncertainty is worse than knowing for certain that a bear is going to eat you. So, the fox goes to the...

Stoner Joke

A pothead finds a strangely looking old oil lamp in the trash and rubs it to clean it up a bit when suddenly a genie comes out of it. "Congratulations, you freed me from my captivity! I grant you three wishes for releasing me!" The pothead does not think twice and says "OK, for my first wish - I wan...

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What you got there, boy?

A boy is walking down a country lane, past an old codger's house, carrying a roll of chicken wire.


"What you got there, boy?" asks the old man.


"Well, sir. This here's chicken wire so I'm gonna go git me some chickens", replies the youth.


"Pshaw! You're crazy son", ...

A man walks into a contest with his dog

He says the the man at the desk, "Hello! I'd like to enter my talking dog into this contest!
"A talking dog, eh? Lemme see this."
"Alright boy, what's the top of a house called?"
The dogs says "Roof"
The man at the desk rolls his eyes.
"Don't worry, sir. My dog can really talk! Boy, ...

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An old man is sitting on his porch....

As a young boy strolls by holding a spool of chicken wire.
''What're ye fixin to do with that chicken wire son?'', he asks.
''I'm gonna catch me some chickens sir!'', the boy proudly states.
Half amused, the old man laughs.''Ye don't use chicken wire to catch chickens boy!?!'' But the young...

3 men get arrested...

3 Men get arrested. on their way into jail, an officer stops them and asks the first man what he got arrested for. The man says, ''blowing bubbles in the park.'' Confused, the officer sends him off. He asks the next man that, to which he replied, ''blowing bubbles in the park.'' the officer sends h...

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