I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

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There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

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I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

I hate double standards.

Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."

Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

My wife hated my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

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My boss hate when I shorten his name to Dick,

Especially since his name is Ed.

Why do native Americans hate the month April?

Because April showers bring may flowers..
and mayflowers bring the white people

I hate steak jokes.

Good ones are rare.

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I keep the letters?

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Why do Japanese women hate condoms?

Because they like rawmen

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I hate shower sex.

My dick always gets stuck in the drain.

My wife said I hated her side of the family

I said, "That's not true, I like your mother-in-law more than mine"

My mate loves red wine. She hates it when people mess with it....

I thought I know I'll add some fruit and Lemonade....



But now she’s sangria than ever...

I hate that ATMs don't dispense coins.

It just doesn't make cents.

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

I hate seeing old people.

and then realizing that I went to school with them.

Sometimes, I wonder to myself if my wife hates my body.

A tiny part of me thinks "Yes!"

Why does Hilter hate going to Arby's?

They keep giving him Au jus sauce.


I'm going to hell.

I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day. It's just...

...Soda pressing.

Everyone hated the egotistical civil engineer.

He got too big for his bridges.

I hate capitalism,

so i always type my messages in lowercase. i also hate racism, and refuse to run 100 metres.

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

....Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

I hate people that take drugs...

Customs for example.

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What do you call a physical therapist that hates women

Massageynist

Why do parents hate alcoholic children?

All they do is wine

I really hate articles that say 5 reasons why something is best and 5 reasons why it's the worst.

The whole argument is completely valid for the reason something is best. Which makes it a good article.

It actually makes the article just so contradictory it sucks.

But they are so easy to read and generally they are well written.

There are so many that each time Google recomme...

I hate how you can accidentally make a person but can’t accidentally make a pizza.

I mean who decided that, huh?

I really hate dementia

I can't remember why

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

So we hated congress a few days ago for not giving us $2000 but today we love then after the riot yesterday...

...so abusive relationships do work

What's the one compliment women hate to receive?

"Hey, nice moustache!"

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Why do women hate having sex with people who invested in Gme stock?

They never pull out

I hate Russian dolls...

...so full of themselves.

I'd hate to be a knight

They take L's left and right.

my daughter loves jogging and grammer but hates camping

she's always running past tents

How come Voldemort hates the sun?

Because his sunglasses won’t stay up

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident. Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness."

"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?"

Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!"

"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary.

"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!"

"Oh, well" says Mar...

Why do people instantly hate Ted Cruz?

Because it saves time. (I stole this joke from the news last night)

My nephews hate my ‘dad’ jokes

They say I’m very un-cool

What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character?

The Count

I hate when people leave cigarettes in urinals

It makes them hard to light

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I hate being dyslexic. I went to a movie theater to see some cop porn

And all I got was this lousy popcorn.

I hate jokes about German sausage

They're the WURST!

Why does Pinocchio hate flaky girls?

They always string him along

I really hate Norton’s security software...

...but please don’t call me anti-Symantec

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Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?

Because the last time a Fat Man came to town, they lost half their population.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them

He didn't tell me what to do with those damn letters though.

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

I hate when people smoke in the porta potties at my job

It makes it hard to enjoy my sandwich

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Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

I hate Amazon. I went to go buy a lighter.

But all I found was 12,943 matches.

Did you hear Elton John hates lettuce?

He’s more of a rocket man

Don't you hate it when your computer crashes?

That's the last time I use autopilot on my tesla.

I hate when people say Trump never does good things for America

He recently left office, which was the greatest thing for America.

Why does Ganondorf hate surfing the web

There are too many Links

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

I hate people with 8 toes

I'm lack toes intolerant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots

My dad hates your dad. So why are they always out in the garage drinking?

Because we're brothers

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

What do you call someone who hates brown rice just because it’s brown?

A riceist.

I always hated weddings because.....

the older guests would come over and poke me saying "You're next.". They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.

I hate spheres.

Why do they even exist? There’s no point.

I used to hate foot fungi

But then it really grew on me.

What beer does Trump hate?

Draft.

I hate when I get heckled by Christians about my grammar.

Jesus, people suck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

I hate nicknames.

Nicholas, Nicole, Nikki, Nick, Nikolai, none of them hit the ear right.

I hate people who can't distinguish etymology and entomolgy

They bug me in ways I can't put into words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why I hate campers?

Because they’re always fucking intense

What do you call portable, two-way radio transceivers that hate racism and like to smoke pot?

Wokey-Tokies

"Conservatives hate this one simple trick...!!!"

*Count every vote.*

I really hate it when people say “SAY NO TO DRUGS”

I mean if I’m talking to my drugs, then I already said yes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

I hate autocorrect.

It’s my greatest enema.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when the string falls in my tea.

Like, great, now how do I get the tampon out without burning my fingers?

Why do scientists hate reacting the 1 mol concentration of a carboxyl acid and 1 mil concentration alkane?

They make 1 mol-ester!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate my dad...

Sometimes he’s just a real motherfucker

I hate this quarantine

Because of it I haven't gotten laid in 3 years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

Why does Ben Shapiro hate NASCAR?

Because the cars only turn left

I really hate autocorrect

My girlfriend is mad at me because she thinks I want to kick her puppy

I hate stair lifts

They drive me up the friggin wall

As a 46 year old man, I hate to brag, but I have the body of a 18 year old

I just wish I could remember where I buried it.

13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.

What do you call a swimming creature that hates violence?

A pacifish

Why does everybody hate oysters?

Cause they are shellfish.

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

What food does an environmentalist hate?

Baked Alaska

My sister hates Christmas because it means wrapping, and she hates wrapping.

I tried to motivate her by saying she was more than capable of wrapping, but she wouldn’t listen. So I decided to help by dropping a beat for her.

At first, I really hated the large pimple on my nose.

But it’s grown on me.

When I was younger I hated going to weddings

it seemed that all my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in he ribs and say, "You're next". They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I hate when

I hate when guests ask me if we have a bathroom at home.

They think that we pee in the yard

A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.

Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."

Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"

Poodle: "That's not gonna work"

Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"

Poodle: "...No"

Chihuahua: "...

Why did the valet hate being in an alternate universe?

Because it was all parallel parking!

I got dragged off to Stockholm once and I hated it.

As time went by, though, I really grew fond of the place.

My girlfriend told me she hates songs by Britney Spears and she doesn't want me to sing them.

But oops, I did it again.

I once knew this guy who hated all high-range intruments.

He was a huge bassist.

Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.

It's a Thor subject for them.

There are two types of people that I hate the most.

One, there are racists;

the other, there are creepy, disgusting blue-skinned elves who are the enemy to the humankind.

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

Reddit is kinda like Instagram, I hate to say

Nobody cares unless you show your cake

As a slice of stale bread, I used to hate mold.

But it's growing on me.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts arguing in front of you.

They could've at least waited until I got dressed and left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate people with huge dicks

They’re always shoving it down my throat

Why do everyone hate lazy people

I mean we didn’t do anything

I hate those traffic circle thingies when I'm not needing to turn.

It seems straight forward, but it's a really roundabout way of doing things.

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. I could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that

he was Jewish.

I hate falling asleep

I hit my head on something every single time.

I hate being bi-polar.

Its so awesome.

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