I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

I hate people who take drugs

For example: airport security

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick

Mostly because his name is Steve

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate my job.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. Sh...

I hate STAIRS, and you should too. You can tell just by looking at them,

They’re inclined to ruin your day.

Why do Native Americans hate April?

April showers bring may flowers. And may flowers bring white people

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

I hate Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I fucking hate improper lubrication.

It really grinds my gears.

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

I hate when my daughter tells that she feels embarassed when I show up in her workplace and check on her

But this is the only strip club in the town ..

My least favorite color is purple.

I hate it more than red and blue combined.

I hate it when people ask me where I see myself in a year.

I don't have 2020 vision.

My girlfriend hates when I pee in the shower...

But if it's such a big deal, why doesn't she just get out?

Why do reddit users hate facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.

My dad once said "do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way"

3 months later he called me at 6am to wish me a happy birthday

I hate when people say age is just a number.

Age is clearly a word.

Why does Trump hate ghosts?

Because they can go through walls.

Why do blind people hate skydiving?

Because their ears pop when they fly up high. Oh yeah and it scares the hell out of their dogs.

I wrote down the names of everyone I hate, and my roommate used that paper to roll his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

I hate being white, I can't dance, I can't talk and

the only thing about me is the way that I walk.

I'm a Brit and I hate it when I have to correct Americans' choice of words.

It's colour not color.

It's football, not soccer.

It's lift, not elevator.

It's school, not shooting range.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate listening to music during sex...

There honestly aren't many good 30 second songs out there.

Why does Oedipus hate cursing?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...

A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.

He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.”

“Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.”

“I do,” the man answers.

I hate my job smashing old soda cans

It’s soda pressing

I absolutely hate the flavor of that pink antacid medicine.

It's pept-abysmal.

Why does the Pope hate trigonometry?

Cos it has a lot of sin

Why did the Romans hate wrestlers...

Because Rock beats Caesars.

When I was a kid, I used to hate gym class.

I hated the whole locker room; I was never comfortable taking off my clothes in front of other young boys.

Now that I'm a priest, I don't mind so much.

Did you guys hear about the Jussie Smollett hate crime?

Fake Noose

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I HATE these same sex marriage laws...

It has been way too damn repetitive after I got married. I really wanna just wanna try new things in bed.

I hate the key of E Minor

It gives me the e-b-g-b’s

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend hates that I refer to her body as an amusement park.

I hate that I always have to stand in line and wait for my turn.

I hate guys who wear UFC attire, like Tap Out gear. They think they're telling the world, I'm tough, don't mess with me.

But what they're really telling the world is I only get to see my kid every other weekend. I don't think that's anyone's business.

Who's the rapper that fat people hate the most?

Cardi-O B

Why do vegans hate astronomy?

Near Earth Objects are a bit meteor for their tastes

I hate how my British friends make fun of Americans for losing an entire country to a bunch of rice farmers.

But then I tell them they lost an entire subcontinent to a guy who wouldn't eat.

I really hate being a comedian so I broke my legs

Guess who’s not doing stand up comedy

I hate when bacteria gets into me without me knowing

It makes me sick!

I hate tennis

It’s such a wack sport

Oysters hate to give away their pearls

Because they are shellfish.

I hate it when people say that obesity runs in their family.

The real problem is that _nobody_ runs in their family.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me

I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

My GF said she hates my sense of direction.

So I packed my stuff and right.

The wife threw her back out. I hate doing this, but I’d appreciate any prayers you could send our way

Because there are Clothes in the Dryer.

You know why I hate black holes?

Because I'm rasict

Guys hate it when you refer to one of their kids as “The Hot One”.

My uncle does, at least.

Don't you hate it when you're trying to have a nap and there's an alarm blaring in the background?

I just had to smash my carbon monoxide alarm to bits, it was giving me a bloody headache.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate that I regularly snort cocaine...

I'm not even addicted, it just smells so fucking good.

What Car Manufacturer does Gohan Hate the Most?

Dodge

Survivors of Cannibalism hate Twitter

Hashtag MeatToo

Dale Earnhardt Jr hates Donald Trump.

He is adamantly against the wall. It killed his dad.

Athenians hate mornings.

Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

I hate all of you

April fools I love you all

I used to hate facial hair,

But then it grew on me.

I hate shopping for celery this time of year.

Seems like they’re always out of stalk.

I hate three types of people:

Racists, Blacks, and Hypocrites

I hate acne jokes

They make face all red

/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

Why do programmers and coders hate nature?

It has too many bugs.

Why do catcholic priests hate condoms?

They get caught on the church boys braces

There are 3 things I hate in this world

1. People who make jokes using lists
2. People who are bad at math

I hate static caravans

Every time I put my key in the door, my hair sticks up.

Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."

They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"

Why did Thor hate playing games?

Because he was a Thor loser

My hair and I have a love-hate relationship

It's always sticking up for me, even when I don't ask it to

My therapist told me to write letters to all the people I hate and then burn them.

I don’t know what to do with all these letters now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate guys who don't respect women

They're more than just a vagina, they're all of your household appliances in one handy package as well

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate it when allergies make my ear canal itch

Its ear-itating

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do English teachers hate anal sex?

Because they can't stand it when you misuse a colon.

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

Why does Ganondorf hate the internet?

Because there's too many links.

i hate tacos

said no juan ever

Why are programmers in a love/hate relationship with coffee?

Because it helps them work but it's made of Java.

I hate when Mommy and Daddy get drunk and start fights.

They are both way bigger than me and there are two of them. It's not fair.

Which race do you hate the most?

I hate marathons................too many Kenyans.

I hate seeing a person clip their nails and leaving it on the floor

especially when we lock eyes through the bedroom window

Why do Europeans hate baseball?

Because it's three reichs and you're out.

I hate oil wells

They are so boring

My friend says, “man I hate myself.”

I say, “hey, man, you need to think better of yourself. You’re a good person and a good friend.”

My friend says, “it’s hard for me to do that.”

I say, “Really? I don’t find it so hard to lie to myself.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives... [NSFW]

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

Why does Captain Kirk hate St. Patrick's Day?

Lepre-KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

I hate double standards.

Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

Scooby Doo hates Roma Tomatoes.

He told me he was romophobic.

I hate elevators.

I will take steps to avoid them.

Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I can't help it, though. Humans were just never meant to run 26 miles.

I hate Australian redditors...

...mainly because they love everything I say on Reddit and try to upvote me.

Why do chickpeas hate being pulverized to bits and rolled into balls?

Because it makes them falafel.

I hate being single

It's just amoeba myself.

I hate that clown from IT.

Always joking around instead of fixing those damn computers.

My math teacher hates mixed fractions

I'm guessing that's why what she teaches is improper.

I hate going to the dentist.

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

I hate car jokes

They drive me crazy

I hate it when people leave the door open...

It leaves me pretty unhinged

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So...

Why do murderers hate injuries?

Because they can't be convicted while the jury is out.

Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"

Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”

​

The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate it when they wear condoms in porn. What's the point?

Men can't get each other pregnant.

I hate it when people compare Lionel Messi with God. I mean he's good and all...

...but he's no Messi.

I hate discussing things with Jay walkers

they always try to cross subjects at inappropriate times.

I hate sitting in traffic

because I get run over

I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman...

...would hurry up and pick a suspect.

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