This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

....Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

I hate those people who come and knock on my door, telling me how I have to be "saved" or else I'll "burn"

Stupid firefighters.

I hate Amazon. I went to go buy a lighter.

But all I found was 12,943 matches.

What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character?

The Count

I hate people who take drugs...

Especially border control.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and hea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to dick

Mostly because his name is steve

I really hate it when people say “SAY NO TO DRUGS”

I mean if I’m talking to my drugs, then I already said yes.

I hate autocorrect.

It’s my greatest enema.

What beer does Trump hate?

Draft.

I hate people who can't distinguish etymology and entomolgy

They bug me in ways I can't put into words.

I hate spheres.

Why do they even exist? There’s no point.

I hate stair lifts

They drive me up the friggin wall

"Conservatives hate this one simple trick...!!!"

*Count every vote.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why I hate campers?

Because they’re always fucking intense

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

My girlfriend told me she hates songs by Britney Spears and she doesn't want me to sing them.

But oops, I did it again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

I got dragged off to Stockholm once and I hated it.

As time went by, though, I really grew fond of the place.

I once knew this guy who hated all high-range intruments.

He was a huge bassist.

I hate shots

They get under my skin.

At first, I really hated the large pimple on my nose.

But it’s grown on me.

When I was younger I hated going to weddings

it seemed that all my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in he ribs and say, "You're next". They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.

It's a Thor subject for them.

I hate to say it, but...

The 18th President of the U.S.A was utterly Ulysses!



Bad joke, sorry

Reddit is kinda like Instagram, I hate to say

Nobody cares unless you show your cake

I hate being bi-polar.

Its so awesome.

I went to high school with a guy named Eugene Lipschitz, but he hated his name so after high school he changed it...

...to John Lipschitz

My teacher assigned us to do an essay, and I said, “I hate essays!”

The Mexican kid in my class says, “Aye Holmes that’s racist!”

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

Don’t you just hate people who take drugs...

Ie the police and customs etc.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used it to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

Why does Oedipus hate profanity?

He iksses his mother with that mouth.

I hate those traffic circle thingies when I'm not needing to turn.

It seems straight forward, but it's a really roundabout way of doing things.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate people with huge dicks

They’re always shoving it down my throat

There are two types of people that I hate the most.

One, there are racists;

the other, there are creepy, disgusting blue-skinned elves who are the enemy to the humankind.

I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache

And suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

As a slice of stale bread, I used to hate mold.

But it's growing on me.

Obamacare has everything Republicans hate.

“Obama” and the verb “to care”.

Me and my ears hate badminton so much

It's making a racket

I hate German sausages.

They’re the wurst.

I hate it when attention-seeking people announce their cake day

Well, I hate myself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

My wife hates how I love making puns with Bruce Willis movie titles, and wishes I would stop. But you know what they say....

Old habits Pulp Fiction.

Why does the tooth hate minorities?

Because it is bracist

What number do French celiacs hate?

Huit.



My five year old (who is celiac) came up with this. Had to post it.

Why do everyone hate lazy people

I mean we didn’t do anything

My grandfather hated people with deformed feet

He was lack toes intolerant.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts arguing in front of you.

They could've at least waited until I got dressed and left.

Why does Jesus hate M&M’s?

They fall through his hands.

13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women hate sexist jokes?

Because they only get 77% of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

Dad, I hate my life. It's like a functioning vacuum cleaner.

Dad: I don't understand

It sucks.

Dad: well, there is always roomba improvement.

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

I hate being locked inside a microwave

It really makes my blood boil

What do you call a high ranking soldier who hates recycling?

General Waste.

You know what I hate about how Avril Lavigne spells her name?

She had to go and make things so complicated.

Dont you hate it when your driving along smoking

and you flick you cigarette out the window, a few miles on you smell something funny and sure enough, grandma is fingering herself again

Why do communists hate schools?

Because schools have classes

I hate these double standards

if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I completely hate online porn

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

My mother’s sister Linda hates herself.

We call her anti Linda.

Ever wondered why "I hate my life" is millennial humor?

As a Zoomer, I'm here to say that the phrase actually applies to members of Gen Z as well.

The only difference is that for millennials, it's funny.

I'm serious.

I hate when people use "big words" they don't even know the meaning, in order to look samrt.

For me, they are completely photosynthetic.

Teachers hate my daughter procrastinating.

I don’t know why though. She has done nothing.

I heard a good way to let go of anger is write letters to the people you hate, and burn them.

Now I just have to figure out what to do with all the letters.

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable

I forgot how much I hated Nickelback until you blasted their song on the radio...

And this is how you remind me?!!!

“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’

So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.

My grandpa hated people with less than 5 toes on each foot

He was lactose intolerant

Why do Native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

My friend asked me how much money it'd take to sleep with the person I hate the most

I had to remind them that Jeffrey Epstein is dead.

People seem to really hate fat...

everywhere I go, I get people saying

Sorry for the weight.

So there is this video where they say people hate cats..

It's an informative dogumentary.

I hate anti-maskers,

they make me sick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate sphynx cats because

I prefer hairy pussy

Apparently the British hated rows,

which was why they columnised so many places

Some people love deep fried pork rind, somw hate it.

To Chicharron.

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

"Dad, I hate my sister!"

"Okay Timmy, just finish the vegetables and leave the rest on the plate."

I hate it when people say I'm salty

Especially cannibals

Why did Karl Marx hate earl grey?

Because all proper tea is theft

I hate putting holes in and flattening wood

It's so plane and boring.

It’s been very weird to see all these people who clearly hate Trump say ‘we wish him well’.

I think a lot of them are just guilty that their first wish came true.

The fence builder hates getting emails about his materials.

He's tired of seeing Re: Posts

Why did Mozart hate chickens?

Because when he asked them, they always say “Bach Bach Bach”

I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't matter if Epstein committed suicide. If those cases had ever gone to court -

- it would have been a hung jury.

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

I've been thinking and I've decided that I hate it.

"hate what?"

Thinking.

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

You know, all kidding aside I really hate 9/11 jokes.

I mean, they’re just plane wrong.

I hate it when people confuse one social media for another

Edit: Thanks for the likes

Why does everyone hate r/aww babies?

I mean I like mine cooked too but I'm curious...

I really hate using punctuations....

Full stop.

Do you know why I hate Maths?

It keeps asking me to find my Ex.

I hate that you cant say "black paint" anymore

You have to say
"George can you please paint the wall?"

I hate it when people think I'm a kidnapper...

I'm merely a surprise adopter.

10 things I hate

1. Lists
2. Repeating myself
3. Irony
4. Lists
5. Never
6. Gonna
7. Give
8. You
9. Up
10. Trickery

I hate being a pirate in school.

In my report card I always get seven seas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate people who make fun of Uranus by calling it names like your anus. I always tell these people:

You're heinous.

I really hate it when...

...autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

My daughter hates when I show up at her workplace..

But in my defense,it's the strip club in our town.

Why do cops hate sick birds?

Because they're ill eagles.

I hate when my wife asks if I'm listening to her

It's such a weird way to start a conversation.

What do you do if your boyfriend hates fruit jokes?

You let the ManGo!

I hate people that take drugs..

This whole “airport security” thing has gone *way* too far.

I hate guys who are too overconfident..

I really do.

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Edit: Thanks for the platinum!

If you enjoy nascar than your probably a racist, however, if you hate nascar than you are literally a racist.

Because you hate races

I used to hate dad jokes

but I've groaned to love them.

I hate autocorrect...

It fan cuck right off.

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