I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.

You won't catch me doing that today.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

There are two types of people I hate.

1. Racists

2. The French

A strange man appeared at the door and offered me 100k, but 200k would be given to the person I hate most.

Terrific I said, I would love 300k.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

I know I’m gonna get hate for saying this, but there are some races that I just don’t like.

For instance, anything with an obstacle in it. Like if I’m running 10k, don’t make me climb over a wall halfway through it.

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

Why do liberals hate dentists?

Because dentists make teeth straight and white.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.....

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

Why do librarians hate tennis?

Too much racket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things I hate intestinal tumors, colostomy bags, chemotherapy

Edit: quit telling me I'm missing a colon. I fucking know

I need to beat some eggs. Will need to borrow one of my wife's kitchen utensils (she hates that)

A whisk I'm willing to take

(Navy Joke) why do chiefs hate kidney stones ?

It clogs the P ways

Why prisoners hate women?

Because they're in cells.

Why do people hate getting up early in Athens?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

Why are the British hated?

They've an entire land of ire against them!

I hate when people say “It’s a quarter till 9”

Just say 8:75pm like us normal people…

Why does Jesus hate Skittles?

Because they keep rolling through the holes in his hands.

I hate it when jokes are condescending

“Condescending” is a word that means to talk down to someone.

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My wife hates it when I quote old movies incorrectly

But frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit!

I hate it when you get a Cranberries song stuck in your head...

.. In your head

In your head.

In your head.

My wife hates me because I make too many Pokemon puns

She's just Shellos

What do you call 2 potatoes that hate each other?

Starch enemies

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

What day do chickens hate most?

Fry-Day !

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

I hate suppositories

Too bitter.

Why do necromancer's hate original cartoon shows?

Because they prefer the reanimated versions.

What's with the hate towards lazy people?

They haven't done anything!

What do you call someone that hates when he doesn’t have toast

Lack-toast-intolerant

There's 3 things that I hate

1- Hipocrisy

3- Lists

4- and people who don't know how to properly count

5- people who can't spell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

If someone hates you for no reason, punch them in the face.

Now they will hate you for a reason.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

I hate it when engineering students call themselves "Engineer"

you don't see med students calling themselves doctor, or art students calling themselves unemployed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

Superman would have hated Elon Musk as much as Lex Luthor..

because Elon loves his Crypto.

My friend called me the other day and told me he hated working at the can recycling plant

He said it was, “soda pressing”

I hate it when you open up to people and they leave

I told my psychiatrist that I'm having hallucinations and he just vanished.

Teachers hate my daughter procrastinating.

I don’t know why though. She has done nothing.

I hate is when people ask me how I saw myself last year.

C'mon guys I don't have 2020 vision.

Why does government hate organised crime?

They don't like competition

I hate when my hose stops spraying water.

But then I remember not to kink shame.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

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My boss hates it when I call him Dick.

Especially since his name is Steve.

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I Keep The Letters?

I hate spelling errors. You mix up a couple letters and your whole post is

Urined

Which social media platform vegans hate the most?

Google meet

Why does spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he's a bad parallel Parker

Why do PC builders hate adoption?

Because they dont want a pre-build

Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate?

Taiwanasaurus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

I hate to see my wife pay for anything.

That’s why I stay in the car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate dogs in general, and I have a reason for it

They're all sons of a bitch

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them…

But I was just wondering… should I keep the letters?

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

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I really hate double standards

When a girl buys a dildo, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun. But when a guy orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, he's called a pervert?

Don't you just hate jokes about German sausages?

They are the wurst.

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Guy says there is two things he hates, wet socks and dry pussy

Other guy says just put the socks in there

If there is Three types of people who I hate...

It's people who can't count

and hypocrites

I Hate Cocaine

But I love the way it smells.

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what I hate about X button on controller?

They never in the right place.

Why does everybody hate America so much?

Because America doesn't murder its critics.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people call me a Grammar Nazi and I HATE it!

I am clearly not Anti-Semantic.

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There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

I hate optimists.

They'll jump out of a plane expecting sunshine and rainbows to cushion their fall. Meanwhile, I'll look both ways before crossing the street and get hit by the optimist.

I hate it when everyone tells me to read an author's works, but then I can't find it anhwhere.

For someone so famous, nobody seems to keep Warren Piece in stock.

Only people who hate the president are allowed here.

Everyone else is forbiden

I Introduced my 20 years younger gf to my family and everyone hated her...

Maybe my wifes birthdayparty was not the right time afterall

I hate sports like cricket and baseball because all you do is hit and run over and over

if I wanted to hit and run I'd get in a car

Why do Star Wars Jedi absolutely hate having to open PDF files ?

Because attachments are forbidden.

Told this guy that I hated his autobiography. He got very very offended.

I said, 'Look, it's nothing personal.'

Why did Loki hate Roosevelt's New Deal?

It created the TVA

At first, I hated my genital warts

But now they're really growing on me.

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

My mom told me she hated me today

She forgot to say April Fools

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

My girlfriend hates it when I don't eat her favorite food...

... and she always gets Jellos.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them

I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?

Not sure about you, but I absolutely hate cliffhangers! Why?

I’ll tell you in a bit…

I hate people who force their opinions down on others!

and so should you…

What do Australians say to someone they hate?

Go die, mate!

I hate having a fear of going to sleep...

It gets really tiring.

I hate how funerals are at 9.00am.

I'm not really a mourning person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Nan hates her new stair lift!

It drives her up the fucking wall!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate potty humor

It's the butt of all jokes

I hate to brag but my cemetery is the most popular one in my entire county.

People are literally dying to get into it.

I hate comments

They discuss me

Gordon Ramsey hates reposts on r/aww. One day he sees someone reposting a baby sheep

He yells in the comments, "WHERE'S THE LAMB SOURCE!?"

Today my fiance screamed at me and told me she hates at the alter

Ruined a perfectly good sacrifice.

I used to hate facial hair..

..but then it grew on me.

Why do mechanics hate people who serve in the military?

because no one ever thanks them for their service.

My wife hated my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Next time you're feeling down, remember that life is all about perspective.

I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day and reads two books every week yet he always complains how he much he hates prison.

Conor McGregor hates cinco de mayo...

It's nothing personal, he just cant stand Mayweather.

Why do christian mathematicians hate summer?

It's sin cos tan.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or . . . .

if you operated on the right patient.

I hate connect-the-dot puzzles.

That’s where I draw the line.

I hate it when people shorten words for no reason.

It makes me want to commit murds.

I hate steak jokes.

Good ones are rare.

Why do native Americans hate the month April?

Because April showers bring may flowers..
and mayflowers bring the white people

I hate spring cleaning.

Damn things bounce all over the place.

What do you call a person who hates normies?

A trendsphobe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate shower sex.

My dick always gets stuck in the drain.

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

I hate it when people quote the movie Joker

I’d give my reason but you wouldn’t get it

The guy who invented Sudoku actually really hated numbers

He just wanted to put them in their place.

Why does Eminem hate Pfizer and Moderna?

You only get one shot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i really really hate scat porn

fuck that shit man

The real reason my wife hates when I mansplain

When catch myself accidentally over explaining something to my wife, I turn it into a joke about mansplaining; by first explaining what mansplaining is and then over-explaining what mansplaining is, but she never understands it because she’s a woman.

Why did Draco Malfoy's funeral service take place outside?

Because he hated grief indoors.

After I'm gone...

A woman walked outside a doctor’s office after recently being diagnosed with cancer. She was grieving but tried to compose herself in front of her daughter, who was waiting for her outside.

She broke the news to her daughter by saying, “We women celebrate every news, whether good or bad. I ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Y’know I used to hate my tits when I was growing up.

They’ve grown on me.

Why does Tom Brady hate investing cryptocurrancy

Because it could lead to inflation.

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