I hate being schizophrenic

So do I

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

Someone just called me, sneezed and hung up.

God, I hate cold callers.

I hate hotel towels

So thick and fluffy. I can't even close my suitcase

What do you call a group of people with something in common, but hate each other?


I hate that September, October, November, and December are somehow the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th months of the calendar year

Whoever messed that up ought to be stabbed

Funny story

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the studen...

The Secret Deal

An original of mine. Excuse the grammar.

There once was a clan of hunter-gatherers dedicated to being self sufficient. They would ONLY ever hunt and gather. Absolutely no trading or sales of any kind was allowed in this clan. Being self sufficient was religion to them, and they hated the idea...

I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist so when they ask, "What do you do for a living?” I reply...

“Oh, you know…stuff!"

Why do Indigenous people hate April?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers

Three dogs are having a drink at a bar.

One dog is a rottweiler, the second dog is a German shepherd and the third dog is none other than the Taco Bell Chihuahua. They were just sitting at the bar when suddenly who should come walking in but Lassie herself. She saunters up to the three dogs and says, "If one of you can creatively use 'liv...

Today I got slapped for telling a girl her hair smelled nice.

I hate being a dwarf.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.

He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

I hate being labeled as a "narcissist"

Like how? I'm perfect in every way.

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I hate words that are spelled differently but sound the same!

I guess I'm homophonic!

I hate being bipolar

It’s awesome

I tried to join this walking group, but was rejected because they said I didn't walk "the right way."

Man, I hate gait-keepers.

How do you tell if someone is Ron DeSantis?

Hates Mickey.

Looks Goofy.

Acts like Donald.

Three men arrive simultaneously at the Pearly Gates.

They are greeted by St. Peter, who tells them, "Welcome! Before you can enter heaven, you must be circumcised, and I can see that none of you are. The standard procedure these days is that we remove your foreskin using whatever method your father used to make a living."
To the first guy, he says...

How do I say I hate you in a nice way?

"You are the Monday of my life".

Happy Monday ya'll.

My wife hates it when I work from home

I am an embalmer

What fruit do soldiers hate?

The Pommegranade

Credit to my 8 year son on his birthday

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Your Momma so ugly...

When she masturbates, its considered a hate crime.

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Next time you’re feeling down, remember life is all about perspective…

Next time you’re feeling down, remember I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads 2 books a week. Yet every day all he does is complain about how much he hates prison..

Why do kleptomaniacs hate puns

because they always take things, literally

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Don't criticise what you can't understand." - Bob Dylan

I fucking hate that quote.

What does it even mean?!

Q. Why do Native Americans hate snow?

A. Because it's White and it settles on their land.

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It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much !!!

Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.

Call me racist as much as you want, but South of the border is a sea of violence corruption disease and hate I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole.

I'm just lucky I live in Suriname.

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Why do Hawaiian Cockroaches hate Kona Coffee so much?

Because it turns them into Jitterbugs.

A Canadian visits Russia...

As he's strolling through Moscow, he sees a Canadian restaurant, so he walks in. He orders potatoes and gravy.

As he's eating, he says "Ugh, I hate this Poutine..."

He was never seen again.

The one thing I hate about superhero movies is how unrealistic they are,

Like what are the chances that a billionaire would do anything to help ordinary people?

Two men are walking down the street when a dog that's foaming at the mouth viciously bites one of them, then runs off...

"Oh my god!" cries the other man. "That dog must have rabies!"

"Rabies?" says the bitten man. Looking frightened and shaky, he takes a notepad and a pen out of his pocket and starts to scribble something down.

"Wait!" says his friend, "We can get you tested and vaccinated for rabies i...

From my 6 year old: Why do whales hate the rain?

Cause it gets them all wet.

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

Why do computers hate going to their file storage?

Because it's a hard drive.

I was totally shocked that my Border Collie loved the Harry Potter movies

I mean, he completely hated the books

Why do mitochondria hate women?

Because they're in cells.

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Why does Hitler hate golf?

He always ends up stuck in a bunker

I hate it when people use metaphors that are physically impossible.

It makes my blood boil.

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A mom walks into her son's room one morning...

Mom: "Wake up, or you'll be late for school."

Son: "I don't want to go to school today!"

M: "Why not?"

S: "Because all the kids hate me!"

M: "But you have to go."

S: "But all the teachers hate me too!!!"

M: "Oh, for crying out loud. Get up! You're 45 year...

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I was voted “Least likely to Succeed” by my high school class.

I hate being a teacher.

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I guarantee Gordon Ramsay always uses protection.

He hates fucking raw.

In meat isle, two pieces of meat are talking.

One says...
Man, I really hate those sausages.

The other replies...
Yeah, they're the wurst!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage.

She said she hated the constant Star Wars puns.

I looked at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one."

Which event on earth do aliens hate the most?

Miss Universe

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What does Han Solo hate most?


I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

My boss hates that I have started saying 'just do it'

Somehow he thinks it's inappropriate for 'suicide prevention hotline'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

I hate when during a dinner party someone brings up how inhumane killing cows is.

They really know how to kill the moo

I recently read a book on 'Stockholm Syndrome'

I hated it as first, but by the end, I really loved it

I just saw two hotdogs and a burger stumble out of a club, blind drunk and blazed on coke and weed. I was disgusted...

I hate to see food wasted like that. Frugal upbringing.

Why do ducks hate going to social events with other animals?

They always end up getting stuck with the bill.

Health care workers hate this one simple joke...

You: knock knock

Them: Who's there?


Them: HIPAA who?

You: ...I can't tell you...

(created by a co-workers husband)

The Best Son.

Three brothers are waiting for their mother at the airport. One says I'm the best son because I got her a new car! The second one says I'm the best son because I got her a new TV!. The third one says I'm the best son because she's lonely so I got her a parrot to talk to.

The mother gets off...

(Old joke) A Polish man is in the bread line

A guy pops his head out and says, "sorry, but we are out of bread." The Pole in line begins shouting: "I have lived in this country all my life! I have lived my life for Communism! Now I have no bread after waiting in line for 2 hours! What were we fighting for? Communism sucks! I hate this country!...

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

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What do rednecks from the South & assholes from Boston have in common?

They both hate the Yankees!

Why does reddit hates fencing?

Because of all the riposting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I will never work at a sewer

I hate dealing with peoples' shit

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

Don't you just hate it when people come knocking on your door, telling you that you need to be saved or else you're gonna burn?

Stupid firefighters.

I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.

Ugh, don’t you just hate matryoshkas?

They’re so full of themselves.

What’s the difference between Disney+ and po*n hub?

Disney + wants you to hate your stepmother.

Two cannibals sat around a campfire

One turned to the other and said, "God, I hate my mother-in-law."

His friend said, "Well then try the potatoes."

Why do kleptomaniacs hate puns?

Because they take things literally.

Who is the most hate supporter among the Borussia Mönchengladbach football fans?

The guy who shouts out: "give me a B!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

My wife and I were arguing one day.

She screamed at me, "You hate my family!!! You've never said a single nice thing about them since we got married!"

I thought for a moment and said, "Okay, I'll say something nice about your family."


I smiled and said, "your mother-in-law is a hell of a lot nicer than my ...

I used to hate beards…

But then it grew on me.

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