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Hate Jokes

I hate being schizophrenic

So do I
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

I hate guys who are too overconfident..

I really do.

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Edit: Thanks for the platinum!
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Why do Native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
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I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”..

There stupid.
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I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

Why do reddit users hate facebook?

Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.
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Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox.

Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?
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Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.
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Why do librarians hate tennis?

Too much racket.
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"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife w...
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I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
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Why does Oedipus hate profanity?

He kisses his mother with that mouth.
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I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.
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I hate it when people use "you're" and "your" incorrectly

There so dumb
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and hea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

I hate being bipolar

It’s awesome
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Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything
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I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall
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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
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Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.
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I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am...

I'm not really a mourning person.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate when a girl says the wrong name during sex

They know my name isnt Someone Help

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A villager had a small penis and hated it...

One day, he decided he's had enough of his pitiful manhood and goes to see the village elder.

The elder referred him to a shaman living in the center of a village, so he went to see the shaman. When he got there, he told the shaman about his small penis.

The shaman nodded his head, and...

I hate immigrants...

If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there...
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There are two types of people I hate.

1. Racists

2. The French
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Hitler hate golf?

He always ends up stuck in a bunker

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.
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I hate hotel towels

So thick and fluffy. I can't even close my suitcase
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As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?
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Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst
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Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.
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What does a dyslexic racist hate?

Gingers
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My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.
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I hate The Cranberries

Their songs always get stuck in your heaaad, in your heaaaad.
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Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate?

A small chest with no booty.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick

Mostly because his name is Steve

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen
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I hate the stigma around mental health

Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I absolutely HATE online porn!

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.
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Why do people hate reposts on this site?

Cause they’ve already reddit!
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Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.
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I met a girl who was a solid 10 but she hated Harry Potter

Now she is a 9¾
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I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.
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I hate jokes about airplanes

All they do is fly over my head
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What are the two things conservatives hate?

The way things are, and change.
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I hate people that take drugs..

Especially police and customs.
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When my wife accused me of hating her family and relatives, I replied, "Darling, I don't hate them. In fact..."

"I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
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Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.
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When you have an “I hate my job” day…

Try this out:

Stop at your local pharmacy, goto their thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock the doors, draw the blinds, change into your comfy clothes, sit on your favourite ch...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

Why does Karl Marx hate Earl Grey?

Because all proper tea is theft.
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An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

My dad told us, “I know you guys hate it, but I’m going to wear Velcro shoes from now on….

..I mean, why knot?”
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I hate people who take drugs...

specifically the DEA and US Customs.
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13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.
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Things I hate:

1. Reddit posts

2. Lists

3. Irony

4. Lists

5. Repetition

7. Inconsistency
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What kind of music do balloons really hate?

*POP* music
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My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
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I hate that clown from IT.

Always joking around instead of fixing those damn computers.
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I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife hates me for having sex with her sister

I got home the other day from work and my wife says "you fucking son of a bitch" and asked what I had done.

Wife: You had sex with my sister you asshole!

Me: Look honey I got into my office in work and there she was lying naked on the table, what should I have done?

Wife: The a...

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
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I hate it when people act all intellectual…

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart

… when they probably haven’t even seen one of his paintings
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How do I say I hate you in a nice way?

"You are the Monday of my life".

Happy Monday ya'll.
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I hate breakups.

Especially when they try to let you down gently.
"It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins".
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Why do vampires hate running a big business?

Too many stakeholders.
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I hate Mexican jokes...

They always cross the line.
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Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.
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Why did Napolean hate his twin....

Because both of them were born apart
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Please stop the hate on the lazy people

They didn’t do anything at all
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Who did Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?

Nobody.
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Why do elevator operators hate Scott Stapp from Creed?

He keeps asking them if they can take him higher.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage
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I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.
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I hate when you're over someone's house and they start asking you stupid questions.

Like "who are you" and "is that a gun?"
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A man had a terrible hate for lawyers.

Like, he really hated any and all lawyers he met.
And as such, every time he was out driving his car, he would go out of his way to hit them. It didn't matter when or where, if he saw a lawyer he just had to run them over.
The man, however, was also a pious man. One day while driving, he s...
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I hate when people don't leave a suicide note.

Would it kill them to write few sentences?
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Why do economists hate hydras?

They reduce GDP per capita.
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Why do shoe inserts hate women?

Because they're a bunch of insoles.
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I Hate Throwing Herbs Away

It’s such a waste of thyme.
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What turns making fun of a ginger into a hate crime?

Dyslexia
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I hate when people think they can just waltz into my room

When what I'm listening to is clearly in 4/4
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I hate people who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're"

There so stupid
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I hate my job and I hate my company...

"I could tell you 100 things I hate about my company"
"Okay, thats a start, why won´t you write it down on a piece of paper?"
"And then what?"
"Burn it, it might free your mind"
"If you think it helps...sure thing doc"
<<next day>>
"So, did it help with your...
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I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist so when they ask, "What do you do for a living?” I reply...

“Oh, you know…stuff!"
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Why do kleptomaniacs hate puns?

Because they take things literally.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I never used to think I was very sexy. I always hated my eyes, ears and nose.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

Why do ducks hate paying for utilities?

Because they have enough bills as it is
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I hate anti-maskers,

they make me sick.
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Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much

Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.

Is it wrong to hate a specific race

Because I really hate marathons
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What fruit do soldiers hate?

The Pommegranade

Credit to my 8 year son on his birthday
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Why do kleptomaniacs hate puns

because they always take things, literally
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I'm American and I hate it when people say that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
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I hate my mood swings.

#They're great!
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I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.
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My girlfriend hated that I told blind jokes

Years ago I dated a girl for about 6 months. We got along super well. I met her family, and she met mine. Things were getting pretty serious between us.

The only thing that we really argued about was my blind jokes. I loved saying them and she hated them. In her defense, she had a blind broth...
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Ugh, don’t you just hate matryoshkas?

They’re so full of themselves.
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Is it bad to hate a certain race?

Because I despise the 100 meter
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Why did the guy hate his job at the can crushing factory?

It was soda pressing.
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My boss hates that I have started saying 'just do it'

Somehow he thinks it's inappropriate for 'suicide prevention hotline'
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What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character?

The Count
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Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I just think marathons are *way* too much running
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A man once hated himself so much that he...

took it personally.
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I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.
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I hate when people confused etymology and entomology.

In a word, it bugs me.
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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn."

Stupid firemen

[I originally saw this joke on a friend's facebook picture he shared](http://i.imgur.com/6Q1KD6K.jpg) but others have pointed me to:
[OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4zpu/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/)
[OP2](https://www.reddit.com/r/Christi...
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I hate making spelling mistakes.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The three words men hate to hear the most during sex.

'Are you in?'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Han Solo hate most?

Sub-parsecs.

I hate having to pick my nose....

But my plastic surgeon says I have to choose one from the catalog or he'll cancel the operation.
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I hate Russian dolls

They're so full of themselves
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What do marble countertops hate the most?

Being taken for granite.
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I hate jokes about John Denver

They never land well.
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