UPJOKE
emotionhatreddetestabhorloathedislikelovefearreligionhostilityabominationdisgustmisogynyenmityanger

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

I used to hate chiropractors until I went to see one for my back

Now I stand corrected

I hate it when people act all intellectual…

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart

… when they probably haven’t even seen one of his paintings

I hate it when people use "you're" and "your" incorrectly

There so dumb

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."

Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

Why does Miss Piggy hate comedy?

Because her father got roasted.

I hate...

...people who don't know how to right correctly.

My buddy sidled up next to me at the club and said, "Hate to be the one to break this to you, but I just saw some dude put his arms around your girl three times." I laughed and told him I didn’t believe him because...

Nobody’s got arms that long.

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I dont get why people hate on furries

At the end of the day they're just fucking mascots.

Why does Karl Marx hate Earl Grey?

Because all proper tea is theft.

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I hate anal sex.

It's fucking shit.

Why does Athens hate the morning?

Because dawn is tough on grease!

Two death row inmates who hate each other can be put together in the same cell because

they’ll finish each other’s sentences.

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

What do you do if your boyfriend hates Fruit Jokes?

Let the ManGo

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

What are the two things conservatives hate?

The way things are, and change.

What turns making fun of a ginger into a hate crime?

Dyslexia

My friend hates it when he sees the Star of David everywhere, but he claims he's not racist

Just anti-semiotic

I hate seeing commercials for new TVs

Every time I think I need a new TV, I see a commercial for one. As they’re raving about how fantastic the picture is, I think, ‘Yeah, it DOES look great, my TV must be fine!’ That being said, I think I will buy one if they ever come out in color.

I hate jokes about chickens.

They're all fowl.

When I was young I hated drunks.

When I grew up I realized that we are not such a bad people.

What’s the difference between Disney+ and po*n hub?

Disney + wants you to hate your stepmother.

I hate it when people at church always tell me Jesus Christ will return soon…

Like dude, calm down, he was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang!

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

Hate to see you standing alone

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I h...

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

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I hate myself so much, I refuse to masturbate

I'm not giving that prick the satisfaction.

Mummy! I hate my brother's guts!

Well, leave them on the side of your plate then!

This joke was told to me 60 years ago by my then 3 year old brother. He still finds it funny!

I absolutely hate my job at the can crushing facility.

It's soda pressing.

There’s three things I absolutely hate

People that can’t count, and complainers

I hate jokes about abortion.

There’s no delivery!

Why do vampires hate going to court?

Because of the cross-examinations.

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

What does a dyslexic racist hate?

Gingers

I hate Russian dolls…

so full of themselves.

I hate when people make fun of my weight

They're just making a joke at my expanse

I hate getting into arguments about Mobius Strips.

They're always one sided

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

My friend hates his job at the slaughterhouse

He said he has to collect all the innards from the animals to make into pet food. We both agree that's absolutely offal.

Juliet hates it when people give her advice about relationships.

It’s not her first Romeo.

My ex-girlfriend hates being referred to by that title.

She says it's not appropriate for me to call my wife that.

I hate it when people ask me, "What were you thinking?!"

Obviously I was thinking I will get away with it and not have to explain it.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving twenty blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was calmly walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive forty blocks away and leave the cat there. But as he pulled into his driveway, the cat was there.

He kept taking the cat farther and farther, but the cat would always beat him home....

I hate women who gossip about me at workplace

Especially to the HR ..

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

Mum hated that it was illegal to hit me as a child, so she gave birth to conjoined twins…

I guess if you can’t beat ‘em…

I do!

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, *"Please give me one last request, dear?"* he said.

*"Of course, John. Anything!"* his wife said softly.

*"Six months after I die,"* John said, *"I want you to marry Bob."*

*"But I thought you hated Bob?"* she said...

With hi...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

It’s okay to hate a race.

I, for example, hate 100m sprint!

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

What’s a fairly common work duty that everyone seems to hate, but a pimp might enjoy having?

Doing Inventory.

I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.

Why do political parties hate organised crime?

They don't like voter competition.

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I hate those things that pop up out of nowhere when I'm watching porn.

Co-workers.

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I absolutely HATE online porn!

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

I hate autocorrect

The current that invented it needs to be execute do

Why do native Americans hate snow?

It's white and all over their land

All web developers hate finding bugs in their work.

Except spiders

What is the medication that is most hated by religious people?

The Ibuprofane

Some of my friends loved the game Battleship while the others absolutely hated it.

It was…hit or miss.

My late grandpa used to hate looking in the mirror

Humble man, terrible driver

Don’t you just hate when your halfway through your rectal exam and remember...

**You're at the dentist.**

Two well dressed men....

Two well dressed men are talking at a rooftop bar about 70 stories from the ground floor. They over hear a guy talking about how he's a hedge fund manager and how much money he makes. One of the well dressed men mentions to his friend how much he hates hedge fund managers. His friend agrees.
The ...

I don’t know why people hate China. I love it and can’t say I have a whole lot wrong with it.

It just sucks they’ve been stuck on that island for so long.

I used to hate facial hair....

But then it grew on me

Why do they hate food fights in Chinese restaurants?

Because it's wonton violence.

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th months...

Whoever messed this up should be stabbed

What animal loves and hates the Arctic?

The Bi-polar Bear

I really hate being bipolar

It's awesome!

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I became a cop.

The 5 things I hate most

1. Lists
2.
3. Uncompleted things
D. Inconsistent formating
E. Irony

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I hate people who go out in public while they have covid.

those fuckers make me sick

I HATE cutting my nails.

Wife: Why?

Husband: Because then it takes even longer to file them.

Wife: I just put mine in a pile.

Hated the view from my yard because of the tree...

So I called a tree guy to take it down. I asked him to remove the stump, and he said "Oh I can't, you have to call a stump guy."

So I call the stump guy, he takes out the stump, and I say "Aren't you gonna fill the hole?"

He said "Oh, no, you'll have to call a landscaper for that. ...

What is Donald Trump's Most Hated Movie?

*Attack of the Killer Tomatoes*.

Don’t you just hate it when people answer their own questions?

I do. Can’t stand it

Which country do neckbeards hate the most?

Chad.

I hate 'your mom' jokes so much.

They're stupid, old, and have been done by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like your mom.

Why do librarians hate tennis?

Too much racket.

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I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

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My therapist told me a great way to deal with people I hate....

She advised me to write them letters and then burn them.
I tried it... I feel much better....but should I keep the letters?

There are two types of people I hate.

1. Racists

2. The French

My brother hates candles and he thinks they were created as part of a government conspiracy

He's an anti-waxer

Why did the cannibal comedian hate playing gigs at retirement communities?

Tough crowd.

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The three words men hate to hear the most during sex.

'Are you in?'

Why does everyone hate thin paper?

Because it's tearable

I hate winter…

I hate the snow, the ice, the cold. In these times I think of the 4-man tent I bought on sale sometime around 1995. It’s a basic tent, and it was a great value when I got it. It’s hardly used now and just sits in my garage. I get such Winter Blues that I think about setting the tent up in the back y...

Why does Jesus hate M&M’s?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands.




Happy Easter, everyone.

I hate guys who've lost part of their foot in an accident

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

I absolutely hate donating blood. As soon as you walk through the door you get bombarded with questions.

I absolutely hate when they ask
“Where did you get it?”
“Why is it in a bucket?”

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I walked in the pub with my gorgeous fiance .

Barman said " Punching above your weight there aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?"

"I met her in Thailand," I replied. "We're due to get married next month."

"You don't want to get married," he laughed . "That's when the blowjobs stop."

"I don't mind that," I replied. "I h...

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I was voted “Least likely to succeed” by my High School class.

I hate my teaching job.

I hate breakups...

Especially when they try to let you down gently.
"It's not you, it's me"

"I just need some space"

"We can still be siblings".

Did you hear about the hate-group whose members are mainly doves and chickens?

It's called the Coo Clucks Clan.

My wife hates that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up and right.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

I hate my mood swings.

#They're great!

A Dark One

So this guy volunteers at a childrens cancer ward, he made friends with a boy named Timmy, they talked about star wars, watched marvel movies, played checkers, traded baseball cards. One day, little Timmy asks the guy "Hey mister, when I get out of this place, will you still come visit me?", the guy...

I hate loudly eating children!

Everyone stares at me when I am doing it.

Why do prison doctors hate the Court of Appeals?

They're always trying their patients.

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my best/worst joke

Sorry for any formatting/language issues!

A man is sitting at work, when suddenly his supervisor walks by and asks:
-hey man, how are you doing? Listen. I need to ask you something. Have you ever seen a penguin?
The man thinks for a second and answers that no, he hasn't.
-YOU HAVE N...

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A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is dri...

The neighbors hate us.

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and th...

There's one kind of people I really hate

>!Misanthropists.!<

Why did Jesus’s nieces and nephews hate his wife?

Because she was the Aunty Christ.

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