An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

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I absolutely HATE online porn!

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

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I hate people who go out in public while they have covid.

those fuckers make me sick

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

It's white and it's all over their land

A Man Hates His Wife's Cat, So He Decides To Get Rid Of It

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed...

Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th months...

Whoever messed this up should be stabbed

Why did the cannibal comedian hate playing gigs at retirement communities?

Tough crowd.

Why does everyone hate thin paper?

Because it's tearable

I hate winter…

I hate the snow, the ice, the cold. In these times I think of the 4-man tent I bought on sale sometime around 1995. It’s a basic tent, and it was a great value when I got it. It’s hardly used now and just sits in my garage. I get such Winter Blues that I think about setting the tent up in the back y...

My wife hates that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up and right.

I hate breakups...

Especially when they try to let you down gently.
"It's not you, it's me"

"I just need some space"

"We can still be siblings".

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My therapist told me a great way to deal with people I hate....

She advised me to write them letters and then burn them.
I tried it... I feel much better....but should I keep the letters?

I don’t know why people hate China. I love it and can’t say I have a whole lot wrong with it.

It just sucks they’ve been stuck on that island for so long.

I hate loudly eating children!

Everyone stares at me when I am doing it.

I hate guys who've lost part of their foot in an accident

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

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What's the difference between Disney+ and Pornhub?

Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.

There's one kind of people I really hate

>!Misanthropists.!<

I absolutely hate donating blood. As soon as you walk through the door you get bombarded with questions.

I absolutely hate when they ask
“Where did you get it?”
“Why is it in a bucket?”

Why did Jesus’s nieces and nephews hate his wife?

Because she was the Aunty Christ.

I hate social distancing.

Seriously? I can't be within 300 feet of a school?

What do you call a person who hates French people just for being French?

A Baguette

I hate it when people make posts calling out about their cakeday

I also hate it when they call me a hypocrite

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."

Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

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I hate small underpants

They're a pain in the ass.

I used to hate facial hair

But then it grew on me

"Ugh, I hate this time of month," she said. "It's like I've got the 2000 election in my pants..."

"Cause there's Bush and there's Gore.

I absolutely hate and detest Cocaine...

But for some reason I love the smell of it.

My girlfriend hates Oasis and asked me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe

Why is there so much hate for lazy people?

I mean, they didn't even do anything.

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Which profession hates the spacebar?

Therapists.

I hate spelling errors

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined

Do you want to know why I hate Russian dolls?

Because they are so full of them selfs

*ba dum tiss*

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The three words men hate to hear the most during sex.

'Are you in?'

I hate the contraction for we will...

But at this point I don't want to reinvent the we'll.

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An angry man walked into a Taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menaci...

I hated my haircut at first…

but now its starting to grow on me.

My wife hates it because I'm highly driven.

I don't have a driving license and refuse to walk anywhere.

I hate it when people complain about overused jokes. Let other people have fun, there’s no such thing as an overused joke.

Except for your mom.

Husband: What's your most hated part of the english language?

Wife: The singular second person personal pronoun.

Husband: What?

Wife: YOU.

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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick.

Especially when his name is Steve.

I don't know why people hate Communism; In fact, I wrote a nice poem about it!

*H*appiness all around
*E*veryone is free
*L*ove fills the air
*P*eople are unbound

*M*aybe you should consider
*E*quality for All

If you want to know more, just send a letter to me. If I don't reply soon, I might be away *intermittent*ly on a nice *camp*ing trip ...

I hate my mood swings.

#They're great!

My girlfriend hated that I told blind jokes

Years ago I dated a girl for about 6 months. We got along super well. I met her family, and she met mine. Things were getting pretty serious between us.

The only thing that we really argued about was my blind jokes. I loved saying them and she hated them. In her defense, she had a blind broth...

My girlfriend hates her body.

I hate it too. Not because there's anything wrong with it, but because she hates it and I'm on *her* side.

Which Jedi hates Microsoft?

Mace, he's had a bad experience with Windows.

There are two types of people I hate.

1. Racists

2. The French

I hate jokes about airline crashes

They're just plane awful.

I order my ex girlfriend a meal she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it because...

Revenge is a dish best served cold

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A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

Don't you hate it when you get an Amber Alert

and you have to switch cars?

Why do librarians hate tennis?

Too much racket.

My wife hates to step on a scale

Because everytime she does, we have to replace it

I hate french pancakes

..they give me the crepes

The neighbors hate us.

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and th...

I hate German sausages

They are die Wurst I've ever tasted.

What type of bug hates Christmas?

A humbug

What do you call someone that hates massages?

Massage-ynistic

Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens?

Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said, “*Bach, Bach, Bach.”*

Why did the can crusher hate its job

It was soda pressing

Who do Canadians hate more than the French?

French Canadians

(I’m sorry)

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

I hate it when people ask me what the beginning of the pandemic was like.

I don't have 2020 vision.

Don't you hate it when you need to pay to use the bathroom?

I'll take my business elsewhere.

I hate the color purple

I hate it more than red and blue combined

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

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I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

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Some jerk took all my money, called me fat, then stabbed me in the arm.

I hate doctor's appointments.

I hate how my friend is always painting pictures of themselves...

It’s a poor trait

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I hate the new homosexual studies class I'm taking this year...

It only has oral tests.

A strange man appeared at the door and offered me 100k, but 200k would be given to the person I hate most.

Terrific I said, I would love 300k.

My wife said, "You know what I hate? I hate it when people think they know me more than I know myself."

I said, "No you don't."

I used to hate cancer.

But recently, it's been growing on me.

I hate it when chefs gossip about stuff

All they do is stand around and stir the pot.

If everybody is a little bit racist... I suppose I hate the relay race the most. I feel like it's unfair they're teaming up on me.

And what the f*** do they have on me there passing that baton

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

I hate it when you get a Cranberries song stuck in your head...

.. In your head

In your head.

In your head.

Why do liberals hate dentists?

Because dentists make teeth straight and white.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City. He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

"Wh-what are you doing?!" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "I specifically booked this seat! Why aren't you sitting in your seat?!"

The blonde woman replied, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I'm sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City."

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blo...

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I hate double standards. When babies

suck a woman's boobs in public it’s fine, but when I do it, I get kicked out of Cracker Barrel.

What type of shoes does a bully hate?

A goody two shoes.

Don't you hate it when you can't tell if a text response is angry or enthusiastic?

YES!!

What do you call 2 potatoes that hate each other?

Starch enemies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things I hate intestinal tumors, colostomy bags, chemotherapy

Edit: quit telling me I'm missing a colon. I fucking know

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My wife hates it when I quote old movies incorrectly

But frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit!

Before Chuck Norris goes sleep, he checks under his bed for Volodymyr Zelensky.

Tornadoes don't exist, Volodymyr Zelensky just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris jokes but instead of Chuck Norris it's Volodymyr Zelensky.

I need to beat some eggs. Will need to borrow one of my wife's kitchen utensils (she hates that)

A whisk I'm willing to take

Ever hate those people that answer their own questions?

I do.

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

A straw man walks into a bar

Bar tender asks "Why do you hate liquor stores?"

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A time traveler meets Adolf Hitler in a bar

Instead of trying to kill him and mess up the timeline he instead sits down to have a drink with Hitler.

The time traveler looked at Hitler and asked “So how are you doing?”

“Pretty terrible, I just got kicked out of art school.”

“Well that sucks, you’ll probably land on your fe...

My boyfriend likes to keep the house freezing. I hate it because I’m always cold, but he gave me a suggestion.

He said to stand in the corner since it’s usually 90 degrees over there.

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A teenager was hungry and his mother told him to go find something in the kitchen to eat.

After banging around for a few minutes, he yelled "There isn't shit to eat in this house!"

His father heard this and went into the kitchen saying "First of all, watch your language. Second of all, there is lots to eat if you just look. He took his son to the pantry and pointed things out. "Se...

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