UPJOKE
billboardtom delongeairplaydude ranchmark hoppushit singlemusic videoblink-182californiakeycgkomekroqmtv

Dammit Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dammit Jim

Frank and his colleagues went to their favourite bar after they signed a big contract. They celebrated with lots of beers and shots. Suddenly Frank feels unwell, goes to the bathroom and throws up, so there's vomit all over his shirt. His colleague Bob enters and sees Frank. He knows Frank's very st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf....

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

A nun and a priest are playing golf

The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.

"Oh God dammit, I missed."

The nun scolds the priest.

"Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blasphem...

Dammit, I just burned my Hawaiian pizza

Maybe I should have cooked it on aloha temperature

Dammit

Three men were riding a golf cart and it crashed, killing them all. When they got to the gates of heaven, Peter said: "I have to ask you all a question before you go in. "

So he asks the first guy: "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

He replied: "No, I have been a good and faithful h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,

"I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the wi...

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis.


Edit: *Father


Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a nun are going golfing...

The priest goes to the first hole, swings his golf club, hits the ball... and it just barely misses the hole.


"God dammit, I missed!" the priest says in anger, throwing his club on the ground. "If you keep saying that, the Lord is gonna strike you down" the nun warns, shaking her finge...

Alright, dammit. Native American jokes it is.

"Father, tell me again about how we get our names."

"Well, in our tribe we name our children after the cause of their birth. You sister is named 'Beautiful Doe' because your mother saw a deer so lovely that she came to me passionately. Your brother is named 'Deep Snow' because the storm was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest was going golfing one day...

(I don't know if this has been posted before if it has im sorry)

And had a nun to assist him. The nun puts the ball on the tee, the priest raises his club way high over his head, and swings it down in a massive arc, missing the ball by three feet. The priest is pissed, and shouts, "God dammit...

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first man says “I’ll have H2O please.”

The bartender replies “Sure thing, and you?”

The second man says “I’ll have H2O aswell please.”

The bartender turns around and mutters to himself “Dammit, I’ll get him next time.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

The fish said to the... no the fish over heard... dammit that's not it...

Okay I had a really good fish joke but forgot it, be patient walleye think it over.

Beaver 1: “Sir, the river is running at full capacity with no obstruction!”

Beaver 2: “Dammit!”

*Using Ouija board* “Hello is anyone there?”

*Y*

*O*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*


“Dammit this is a Soulja board”

A priest and a nun are playing miniature golf.

The priest lines up a ten-footer, hits the ball, and it swerves right of the hole. He yells, “Dammit, I missed!

”The nun recoils in shock. “Father, language!”

“I’m sorry, Sister Margaret, please forgive my cursing.”

They get to the second hole. The priest is only 3 feet away fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

*In the ER* "We're losing him, anyone have any ideas?"

"How about 50 cc's of a cool refreshing beverage?"

"Dammit Dr. Pepper not now!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.