I wont let the load of one small murder weigh me down...

... because I'm a mass murderer.

My two buddies wont stop arguing over weed.

Never mind they hashed it out.

You guys wont believe what happened today

So my friend told me that he didn't like the Lord of the rings trilogy.

And just a minute after that he was hit by a car!

I assume it's a bad sign to dislike Tolkien.



Anyway, I lost my drivers license today.

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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would
be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers do...

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

What are some jokes with multiple punchlines? Here is an example what i mean:

A journalist was about to interview a company that advertised 100% chicken meat sausages.
The interviewer asked if the sausages are realy 100% chicken meat.
Company director:"well this is a secret, but for the sausages to remain juicy, we need to add some horse meat"
Interviewer: "Horse mea...

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Kid asks for viagra

Little boy w/ diarrhea tells mom he needs Viagra. Mom: Why do you need that?" Boy: Isn't that what you give Dad when his shit wont get hard?

A guy's looking through the job vacancy ads...

...times are tough and there's not much about.

He comes across a job at the local zoo..."help wanted"... He doesn't  have any experience but he decides to give it a shot.

He gets to the interview and the zoo keeper says..." look mate I'll level with you. I've promised the directors I...

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?

\-Have you tried shaving your mustache?

\-No

\-Well you should, Karen.

My father may have been abusive and a drunk, but there's one good piece of advice he gave me that I wont forget.

When I was younger I asked him how to make a good impression at an interview. I was gonna ask my mum but she wasn't feeling well after she had another "accident" as he put it. He begrudgingly told me to "dress for the job you want, then once you have that job, don't start slacking. It's just as impo...

You wont hear a pterodactyl urinate

..because its pee is silent

Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

...because its not a Target.

For over a year I've done everything possible to try and lose my extra weight.

I've been eating right, working out, going for daily walks but it just wont work. She's still there when I get back.

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids...

Just got back home and they are still here...

I guess there wont be many flowers this May

because of how few showers I took this April.

my girlfriend got vaccinated today

now she wont hold any air

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wont ducks squat?

They don’t want people to see their butt-quack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an ant that's so fucking ugly every other ant wont go near it?







A repellant.

Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer?

She cant seem to kick anything

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Running is like anal

If you retry it after not doing it for half a year, you wont be able to stand up the next day

“what would you say is your greatest strength”

“i have strong hindsight”

“that wont help us much”

“i see that now”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:

“This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me” The son wrote back:”Dad don’t even think of
digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole”
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole fiel...

Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm

Because you're annoying and wont shut up

They say just doing a little cocaine wont lead to addiction

So I just do a small line every 30-45min

My mom wont let me go see the new pirate movie...

Because its rated NC-17 for all of the booty it shows the pirates fighting over.

A Lion wont cheat

But a Tiger Wood

A Redditor is trying to make a bomb in their garage, but it wont detonate so they decide to make some changes

Edit: wow this blew up

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Young sex

A 25 year old is at a bar with a coworker. He’s telling stories a out all the crazy shit his girlfriend wants to do in bed, that she wants it day and night and wont take no for an answer. The coworker replies”i mean thats gotta be pretty awesome”. The man replies dude you have no idea. It was ...

My Dad installed a shelf in the wall of the shower today. It's nice, but it wont appeal to everyone

It's a bit niche

I have a joke about Valentines

Most of you wont get it.

Stoner thought of the day:

Each time you light your lighter. Your lighter gets lighter.. ... Until your lighter gets so lighter it wont light again

I'd tell you a joke about the PS5

But you probably wont get it

Why wont Apple ever make a car?

Because it can't have windows in it!!!!

A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer

He wont be needing it anymore

Why wont the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

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My husband is a pussy and wont decide what kind of fruit tree to plant in our front yard.

I told him to grow a pear.

The wife & I were staying at a fancy high rise hotel when the argument started.

Things didnt get any better as the night went on. She started to threaten that she would jump out the window. In a panic I called the front desk. They asked how could they help? I said you better send body up here right away, the window wont open.

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Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

Why wont America ever switch to using coins like in the EU?

Because conservatives don't like change.

My son says that Detroit: Become Human wont run on his console

That's weird, everyone usually run so fast in Detroit...

An elderly couple are having dinner at a restaurant ....

An elderly couple are having dinner at their favorite 4 star restaurant when a gorgeous blonde walks up says "Hey babY!" , plants a kiss on the mans cheek and walks away .

His wife looks over at him and says "Who was that ?"

The man calmly replies" oh her ? That's my mistress"
...

What do you call the body odor from smoking Canabis that just wont go away?

An Elongated Musk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

Q. Why won't Ex Machina still be a popular movie in twenty years?

A. The robots wont let us watch it.

A cop pulls over a car going 100 mph

The police officer asks do you know how fast you were going

The driver: no i do not sir

The cop: 100 mph

The driver: sorry sir it wont happen again

The officer notices the handicap parking pass and asks

I dont mean to pry but how are you dissabled. You seem perfe...

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It was the first session of a packed literary festival.

As was his wont, one particular writer hogged the mic and was refusing to let go.

A seasoned festival-attendee, who had borne the torture of said writer nobly over several festivals, had come prepared this time: with a dozen rotten eggs.

When the writer took a deep breath to launch int...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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A Redneck Letter...

Dear son,

Im writing this slow because i know you cant read fast. we dont live where we did when you left home.your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. i wont be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here to...

So we wont see season 8 of Game of Thrones until 2019

They're really dragon it out

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

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Life is like a dick

Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever.

Too bad life is short.

the boss called me to his office to talk about my frequent use of the n word

some people wont take no for an answer

Why wont a Jewish cannibal eat a German?

Germans seem to give them bad gas...

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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

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a man goes to his doctor ,,,

a man goes to see his doctor .

the doctor asks him " what is the reason for your visit ?"

the man answers in a very deep gravelly voice " its my voice doc , it scares my fiancee. Its okay when we are out in public or the lights are on , but the minute it gets dark or the lights go out...

Wanna hear a Joke about the Playstation 5?

I would but you probably wont get it.

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom...

"You know what" says the 7 year old

" I think its time we start swearing. When we go down for breakfast i will swear first then you".

"Ok" Replies the 4 year old.

Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

" I will have Coco pops,bitch"

WHACK, he flew out...

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Attractive women sits in a dark bar when the waiter beings over a drink and motions that its from the gentleman in the corner

The women looks at the man and asks the waiter for a pen and paper. She writes something and sends a note back to the gentleman that had sent the drink.

The gentleman opens the note and it reads:

For me to be able to accept this drink and come and enjoy it with you there are a few th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You wont find a whole lot about beastiality in the bible.

But you will in my diary.

My girlfriend just emailed me a photo of us on our first date together. It's a very treasured memory for me. Problem is, the file wont open on my computer.

I guess I have emotional attachment issues.

My girlfriends father wont let us sleep together when I stay over

Which is a shame because he's a very attractive man.

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

A lawyer walks into a bar and the bouncer asks for his ID

The lawyer says "that wont be necessary as I'm bar certified"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor has sex with one of his patients

He feels guilty all day and no matter how hard he tries he just cant get it out of his mind. This feeling of guilt and sense of betrayal was so overwhelming that he couldn't even go to sleep.

Finally he heard a reassuring voice inside his own head. It told him "Don't worry about it. These th...

Why do jedi always burn their pancakes?

Because they wont turn over to the dark side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im tired of chasing people who wont chase me...

from today on the ice cream man can go fuck himself.

My wife told me that drinking wont solve anything

But as a chemist I know that alcohol is a solution

Scientists have accidentally created immortal frogs

While running experiments, they decided to cut some of the frogs vocal cords.
Ever since then, the frogs just wont croak

I have a cyberpunk 2077 joke

but i wont release it

Got a Covid 19 joke for ya'll

But 99.26 of yall wont get it

I wanted to post a joke about sodium

But Na, people wont get it

I'm suing my wife...

She wont let me get tattoos of grizzles on each bicep. She's infringing on my right to bear arms

Moscow in Winter

An American couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, I think that was snow”, she replied.
He insisted, “No, I’m sure it was just rain.”

Well, as couples are wont to do, they were about to ha...

It was late at night and the salesman had been driving for a while

The rain was as heavy as his eyelids and, as he nodded off and lost control. The car swerved left, then right before crashing upside down into a ditch.

The guy came round, the water in the ditch lapping round his head, he pulled himself loose, feeling the blood running down his head. He stagg...

The Kings Servant was walking towards the castle, when he saw a man lying on the side of the path.

The servant asked if the man was ok, and he replies:

"Oh, hi, I'm Will. Nice to meet you! Would you like to buy me?

"What, you mean like a servant?" says the King's servant.

"No, just to have me around"

The servant was lonely, as he had to work day and night for the king,...

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Timmy was asked to do presentation about corruption in a country.

He wrote on the whiteboard:
-A country is like a family
-Government is the mother who manage the family.
-Capitalist is like the father who earns money for family.
-The maid is the working class.
-I am the citizen while my baby brother is the future of family.

Intrigued, the te...

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A hot single woman wants a strong relationship

She makes a post on a dating site saying that she is looking for a nice guy who wont hit her, wont run away, and is good in bed. A week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door, looks down and sees a guy with no arms and legs in front of her .he lady is confused and asks the guy who is he and w...

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My jewish friend wont talk to me anymore.

So my friend was looking to rent a van to help his family members get around during his family reunion and he invited me along.

we came across this big white van with a few rows of seats in the back and he said "how many of my family members do uou think I can fit in here?"

I look arou...

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A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.

He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?"

The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."

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The story of the magic Fairy in the wood!

A guy wonders in the woods, seeking for mushrooms

he picks up one, and by magic a fairy APPEARS!

"Hello, im the magic fairy you've been very nice boy, i will grant you ONE wish" say the fairy

the guy, in shock, shruggs

"hmm..Well..**hehe**.., im a waiter..in a restaurant...

A young girl walks into a library and asks for a book about suicide

Get lost you wont return it anyway

A couple of good covid jokes I've heard

1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year...

Professor X: whats your super power?

Me: Hindsight.
Professor x: that wont help us.
Me: Yes I see that now

Husband and wife had a car accident

Ambulance was called and they both end up im hospital. After some time husband regains consciousness and starts looking for his wife around the hospital. He finds a doktor and asks him:

"Doctor, please, me and my wife had an accident and I cant find her. Can you help me? Is she alright?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A policeman is riding his motorcycle on a dark, lonely stretch of road on a freezing cold night.

He sees a fellow motorcyclist stopped on the side of the road. "What's the problem?" he says. "Bike wont run" So the cop dismounts and says, "Probably frozen carburettor, just pee on it"
Biker doesn't seem keen so the cop pulls out the meat-baton and gives the carbys a good spray. "There ya go ma...

To the person who hacked into my reddit account...

I will find you, and I will kill you.

My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach

"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said

"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"

Say what you want about deaf people...

They wont hear you anyways.

My friend was testing his mic for Discord, I told him to get a Scope

So he wont have Troubleshooting

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pretzel hold

So the wrestling coach comes up to jimmy. "Listen Jimmy, I've seen this kid wrestle 3-4 times. Hes got this pretzel hold man and if he gets you in it your done. Over. So IDK how to avoid it or what but whatever you do watch for that pretzel hold."

Match starts. Not 2 seconds in Jimmies in a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies...

But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb fuck, a cunt, and several other names.

The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing.

Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer.

Even from in there, he hears him cussing him ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 morticians are standing by the coffee machine

"Man, you wont believe what I experienced today. I had a woman with a clitorus like a pickle" says one of them.

"What?!" says the other one "That big?!"

"No," says the man "That sour"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to line him up 10 shots of his strongest liquor on the counter.

The man proceeds to down all 10 shots in a matter of minutes. The bartender asks him “what’s the special occasion” and the guy responds “I just got my first blowjob”. The bartender responds “congrats, here have a shot on the house”. The guy says “no thanks, if 10 shots won’t get the taste out of my ...

A king fighting along side his army...

'How many of them are there?' asked the king from his captains
'About twenty thousand of them, my lord' said the captain.
'Fine, hand my my red cape then'.

The captain confused asked 'Why the red cape my lord?'
'So If I get wounded in battle the men will not see me bleed and th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into a bar, he was crying profusely

"I need you to give me enough drinks to kill me" He said, sobbing to the bartender.. "My wifes been sleeping with someone else." He explained.

The bartender, in shock replied "I wont kill you. If I were you, I'd kill the guy who fucked my wife."

"Fine." The crying man replied. He retur...

have you read the book "A long way from the bathroom"

By Willie Maykit

Co-authored by Betty Wont

Illustrated by Andy Didnt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drinking for free

Two old friends wanted to go drinking but didn't have any money. The oldest of the two told his friend it's no problem, he had an idea to get drinks for free so away they went to the local pub and ordered a bunch of drinks. After slamming down some beer the friend asked how they would get this for ...

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