You wont hear a pterodactyl urinate

..because its pee is silent

I guess there wont be many flowers this May

because of how few showers I took this April.

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?

\-Have you tried shaving your mustache?

\-No

\-Well you should, Karen.

I have a joke about universal healthcare

but americans wont get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wont ducks squat?

They don’t want people to see their butt-quack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an ant that's so fucking ugly every other ant wont go near it?







A repellant.

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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

I wanted to post a joke about sodium

But Na, people wont get it

Got a Covid 19 joke for ya'll

But 99.26 of yall wont get it

Why do jedi always burn their pancakes?

Because they wont turn over to the dark side.

The Kings Servant was walking towards the castle, when he saw a man lying on the side of the path.

The servant asked if the man was ok, and he replies:

"Oh, hi, I'm Will. Nice to meet you! Would you like to buy me?

"What, you mean like a servant?" says the King's servant.

"No, just to have me around"

The servant was lonely, as he had to work day and night for the king,...

A couple of good covid jokes I've heard

1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year...

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Life is like a dick

Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever.

Too bad life is short.

I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids...

Just got back home and they are still here...

Husband and wife had a car accident

Ambulance was called and they both end up im hospital. After some time husband regains consciousness and starts looking for his wife around the hospital. He finds a doktor and asks him:

"Doctor, please, me and my wife had an accident and I cant find her. Can you help me? Is she alright?"
...

Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

...because its not a Target.

They say just doing a little cocaine wont lead to addiction

So I just do a small line every 30-45min

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6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

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Timmy was asked to do presentation about corruption in a country.

He wrote on the whiteboard:
-A country is like a family
-Government is the mother who manage the family.
-Capitalist is like the father who earns money for family.
-The maid is the working class.
-I am the citizen while my baby brother is the future of family.

Intrigued, the te...

My friend was testing his mic for Discord, I told him to get a Scope

So he wont have Troubleshooting

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

Do you know why they wont let unknown women into gentlemens' clubs?

Because those organisations tend to be strictly "Members only".

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A hot single woman wants a strong relationship

She makes a post on a dating site saying that she is looking for a nice guy who wont hit her, wont run away, and is good in bed. A week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door, looks down and sees a guy with no arms and legs in front of her .he lady is confused and asks the guy who is he and w...

A young girl walks into a library and asks for a book about suicide

Get lost you wont return it anyway

Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer?

She cant seem to kick anything

Professor X: whats your super power?

Me: Hindsight.
Professor x: that wont help us.
Me: Yes I see that now

A Lion wont cheat

But a Tiger Wood

My Dad installed a shelf in the wall of the shower today. It's nice, but it wont appeal to everyone

It's a bit niche

Say what you want about deaf people...

They wont hear you anyways.

My mom wont let me go see the new pirate movie...

Because its rated NC-17 for all of the booty it shows the pirates fighting over.

A Redditor is trying to make a bomb in their garage, but it wont detonate so they decide to make some changes

Edit: wow this blew up

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach

"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said

"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"

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Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to line him up 10 shots of his strongest liquor on the counter.

The man proceeds to down all 10 shots in a matter of minutes. The bartender asks him “what’s the special occasion” and the guy responds “I just got my first blowjob”. The bartender responds “congrats, here have a shot on the house”. The guy says “no thanks, if 10 shots won’t get the taste out of my ...

Why wont America ever switch to using coins like in the EU?

Because conservatives don't like change.

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2 morticians are standing by the coffee machine

"Man, you wont believe what I experienced today. I had a woman with a clitorus like a pickle" says one of them.

"What?!" says the other one "That big?!"

"No," says the man "That sour"

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom...

"You know what" says the 7 year old

" I think its time we start swearing. When we go down for breakfast i will swear first then you".

"Ok" Replies the 4 year old.

Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

" I will have Coco pops,bitch"

WHACK, he flew out...

What do you call the body odor from smoking Canabis that just wont go away?

An Elongated Musk.

A king fighting along side his army...

'How many of them are there?' asked the king from his captains
'About twenty thousand of them, my lord' said the captain.
'Fine, hand my my red cape then'.

The captain confused asked 'Why the red cape my lord?'
'So If I get wounded in battle the men will not see me bleed and th...

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My husband is a pussy and wont decide what kind of fruit tree to plant in our front yard.

I told him to grow a pear.

Why wont the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

Why wont Apple ever make a car?

Because it can't have windows in it!!!!

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The pretzel hold

So the wrestling coach comes up to jimmy. "Listen Jimmy, I've seen this kid wrestle 3-4 times. Hes got this pretzel hold man and if he gets you in it your done. Over. So IDK how to avoid it or what but whatever you do watch for that pretzel hold."

Match starts. Not 2 seconds in Jimmies in a ...

have you read the book "A long way from the bathroom"

By Willie Maykit

Co-authored by Betty Wont

Illustrated by Andy Didnt

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My friend inherited a parrot when his brother went abroad.

So, My friend inherited a parrot when his brother had to go abroad. But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb f*ck, a c*nt, and a bunch of other names. My friend tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing. Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer...

So we wont see season 8 of Game of Thrones until 2019

They're really dragon it out

Robin walks into the garage in the bat cave to test drive the batmobile.

He jumps into the batmobile and tries to get it started but it wont work.
So Robin goes to find batman to help him.
Robin explains to batman that the batmobile isn't working.
"Check the battery" says batman.
"Who is tery?" Robin says confused.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go deer hunting.

They've been out there for hours before one of the men finally sees a buck.

He shoots the buck and they're tracking its blood when one of the other guys says "we need to hurry i need to shit."

They proceed to take the dead buck back to camp and start gutting the deer. That's when the...

Charles visits his grandpa...

On the first morning of the visit, Charle’s grandpa prepares a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Charles notices a weird substance on his plate and asks, “Grandpa, are you sure these plates are clean?”

grandpa replies, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them, just eat your breakfast.”

...

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Learning from Construction workers *long*

So a boy is home from school one day, and he's driving his mother nuts. Finally she gets fed up and tells him to go across the street where they are doing construction on a house, and not to come home until he learns something.
A few hours pass, and the boy comes home. The mother asks "Did you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.

He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?"

The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."

Queen Elizabeth II changed her name to Hope

She wont die because MY HOPE WILL NEVER DIE

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Two hunters are out in the middle of deer season.

One hunter suddenly feels an intense urge to answer natures call and excuses himself to the bushes.

The second hunter, remaining in the deer blind, finds his prey, kills, and cleans the kill without his friend ever showing up. He goes off to find his buddy, soon discovers him asleep, sitting...

Pizza Joke

Q: Have you heard about the pizza joke?

A: You know what, I wont tell it, it's to cheesy

Everyone complains about Alexa

Listening in on conversations. Bezos is releasing an male version. This one wont listen to anything. He's calling the Donald.

Why wont a Jewish cannibal eat a German?

Germans seem to give them bad gas...

My girlfriend just emailed me a photo of us on our first date together. It's a very treasured memory for me. Problem is, the file wont open on my computer.

I guess I have emotional attachment issues.

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Went to library and asked a book about suicide

The librarian said: "Fuck off, I know you wont return it!"

My girlfriends father wont let us sleep together when I stay over

Which is a shame because he's a very attractive man.

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Im tired of chasing people who wont chase me...

from today on the ice cream man can go fuck himself.

To the person who hacked into my reddit account...

I will find you, and I will kill you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tenant goes to the landlord and tells him there are mice in his apartment

-I know these kinds of hoaxes, it wont work on me, but let me see those "mice" you're talking about - says the landlord.

So they go to the apartment that is right on the top of the building, they open the door and ... no mice whatsoever.

The landlord angrily asks the tenant why he so b...

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Once there was a big dick competition at some place

This guy JOE really wanted to win this one as he thought he had a big dick. But he got late. He rushes to the place but the competition was already underway.
He goes straight to the judges and begs them to let him show his dick to audience and get some sweet-ass karma points from the public. He ...

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Renouned psychic medium Derek Acorah died this morning.

Family find no peace in his passing. He still wont fucking shut up.

Very long.

First off, let me describe to you a little creature.

There lives in the forest a little guy known as a 'Twid'. A Twid resembles nothing so much as a Smurf on psychedelics. They have punked out hair, multi-colored skin, tattoos and piercings. Also, the sole reason for a Twid's existence on th...

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

let robots vote like any other person

so they wont have to manipulate elections through social networks

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Drinking for free

Two old friends wanted to go drinking but didn't have any money. The oldest of the two told his friend it's no problem, he had an idea to get drinks for free so away they went to the local pub and ordered a bunch of drinks. After slamming down some beer the friend asked how they would get this for ...

Guy says to his wife mind if i stick it in your ear love?

She says: That wont make me deaf,,will it?

He answers: Hon I have been shoving it in your mouth for 10 years. That didn't shut you up any.

EDIT - Sorry, bad copy pasta, but the joke is still there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into a bar, he was crying profusely

"I need you to give me enough drinks to kill me" He said, sobbing to the bartender.. "My wifes been sleeping with someone else." He explained.

The bartender, in shock replied "I wont kill you. If I were you, I'd kill the guy who fucked my wife."

"Fine." The crying man replied. He retur...

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My jewish friend wont talk to me anymore.

So my friend was looking to rent a van to help his family members get around during his family reunion and he invited me along.

we came across this big white van with a few rows of seats in the back and he said "how many of my family members do uou think I can fit in here?"

I look arou...

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

Misunderstood

An old joke ..hope you guys enjoy it..

A really hot, young lady was sitting on a park bench and sucking on a popsicle cooling off the summer heat. A young man sitting next to her is staring in amazement at the young woman sucking on the popsicle. Getting annoyed at the young man's gaze, the ...

Young girl goes to a confession ...

"Father, there's something funny happening down in my lady parts.. it feels like i have 100 flies down there, very tickling feeling. Can you help me?" Father says: "oh dear, this is completely normal, but i am afraid i cant help you with this one. Go ask someone else." She walks out and meets an old...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once little Johnny comes home from school.

Once little Johnny comes home from school. He asks his dad 'is hell a bad word', his dad replies 'yes son hell is a very bad word never use that word' after convincing his son to never use that word, little Johnny asks 'is Hello a bad word', the father goes on and explains how 'hell' and 'hello' are...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone told me I'm super vague

Lets just say they wont be saying that anymore

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Whats the difference between a politician and a toilet?

The toilet wont be full of crap forever.

Mother nature has pinned our eviction notice.

I'm pretty sure we wont be getting our deposit back...

Patient: Whats the news doc?

Doc: Well there is good news and bad news.

Patient: Give em both doc.

Doc: Well good news is bad news wont last long...and bad news is good news wont last long either.

Patient: Why's that doc?

Doc: You're only gonna live for
3
2
1

Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Husband: -" You promise if I tell you the truth you wont get mad?"

Wife: -"Yes I promise"

Husband: -"I sleept with your sister"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf. Didn’t bring a caddie . After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her..
“ Sorry, to bother you, but I dont know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, Im in the 6t...

Its time for class, Ms. Smith noticed a few empty seats, 3 students were late.

"Good morning everyone, we have a new student to greet today, his name is Timmy, although he appears to be late."

Just then, Jen walks into class "sorry im late Ms. Smith, I lost track of time while blowing bubbles."
"That's okay Jen, just dont make a habit out of it okay?" Ms. Smith repli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.

They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man loses all his money in vegas, and asks his friend for help on how to tell his wife

Friend : Just say it in a *sarcastic tone* she wont believe you but you technically told the truth.

Man : Thats never going to work.

F: Watch, Hey honey, remember when i went to vegas, you know me *i just lost all our cash like good ol'jim*.

M: Its better than nothing.

la...

how many Brits does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, they'll keep saying that they will, but they wont

A psychic walks into a dress store to buy a new dress

She tries on a new dress but it just wont fit.









Saleslady: Ma'am, this size just doesn't fit you. May I suggest trying on a large?







Psychic: What do you mean try on a large? I'm a medium!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American shoe and an Australian married shoe enter a bar....

The Australian shoes says to his friend

"I got a big favor to ask you,could you nail my soulmate, please?"

"Really? Wont you get mad?!"

"Of course not, youre my best friend"

"But...why?!"

"Its something i cant do myself since i dont feel confident enough"

"....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy call the reception desk at the hotel where he is staying.

The receptionist answer and the man calmly says: please I need your help, my wife wants to jump out the window from the 10th floor. The receptionist says: It is late in the night sir and There is only me and a maintenance guy in the building, no one can help you. Besides it is a personal matter, I t...

Shout out to people who dont know what the opposite of in is

^(Ignore this part im only writing this part so my post wont get deleted)

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

I donated my kidneys

So a week ago i donated 1 kidney to the hospital they were really grateful and i saved a mans life.
So yesterday i donated 4 kidneys to the hospital and now the police wont leave me alone.
Smh
Ungrateful people these days

I really wanna post an Asian joke...

But I'm afraid that they wont Reddit go.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adolf Hitler is walking around in a prisoner camp.

As he is passing through he see a kid who is giving his food rations to an injured dog.

Hitler walks up to the kid and asks him, "Why are you giving your food to the dog? You know you wont get extra."

The boy replies, "The dog needed it more than me, sir."

Hitler felt something ...

What's the difference between a girder and a joist?

it's my cake day, so here's my favorite joke.

An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply. The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn't care for Irishmen, thinks they're drunks and dumb and unreliable. But he knows he can't just come out and say that.<...

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