Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short

Looks like they ran out of characters.

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A man walk's into a bar the barman says "What can i get for you pal?"

The man replies " I'll have a rum and coke" the barman gives the man an apple. The man says "No i asked for a rum and coke the barman tells him to trust him and try the apple. The man bites into and says " Oh my god this is apple is amazing its taste's like Rum" the barman says "Turn it around" the ...

I wont let the load of one small murder weigh me down...

... because I'm a mass murderer.

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

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Funny Joke (IDK if it has been posted before)

You can never tell a constipated guy your problems,



**he just wont give a shit**

You guys wont believe what happened today

So my friend told me that he didn't like the Lord of the rings trilogy.

And just a minute after that he was hit by a car!

I assume it's a bad sign to dislike Tolkien.



Anyway, I lost my drivers license today.

Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

...because its not a Target.

-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?

\-Have you tried shaving your mustache?

\-No

\-Well you should, Karen.

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Drunken adventure

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all n...

You wont hear a pterodactyl urinate

..because its pee is silent

What are some jokes with multiple punchlines? Here is an example what i mean:

A journalist was about to interview a company that advertised 100% chicken meat sausages.
The interviewer asked if the sausages are realy 100% chicken meat.
Company director:"well this is a secret, but for the sausages to remain juicy, we need to add some horse meat"
Interviewer: "Horse mea...

I'm filling in for my friend who got hung over from yesterday's drinking..

His patients wont be thrilled if they knew I never went to Dental College

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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would
be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers do...

I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids...

Just got back home and they are still here...

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Kid asks for viagra

Little boy w/ diarrhea tells mom he needs Viagra. Mom: Why do you need that?" Boy: Isn't that what you give Dad when his shit wont get hard?

Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer?

She cant seem to kick anything

I guess there wont be many flowers this May

because of how few showers I took this April.

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A bartender starts his shift as usual

and things are going smoothly. He shoots the shit with the regulars, knocking a few back as was his wont. A little later into the night a man walks in and orders a drink. After he gets the drink he sits and starts to talk to his hand. The bartender is confused for sure, he seemed normal enough when ...

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Why wont ducks squat?

They don’t want people to see their butt-quack

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

A guy's looking through the job vacancy ads...

...times are tough and there's not much about.

He comes across a job at the local zoo..."help wanted"... He doesn't  have any experience but he decides to give it a shot.

He gets to the interview and the zoo keeper says..." look mate I'll level with you. I've promised the directors I...

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What do you call an ant that's so fucking ugly every other ant wont go near it?







A repellant.

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

my girlfriend got vaccinated today

now she wont hold any air

They say just doing a little cocaine wont lead to addiction

So I just do a small line every 30-45min

For over a year I've done everything possible to try and lose my extra weight.

I've been eating right, working out, going for daily walks but it just wont work. She's still there when I get back.

My mom wont let me go see the new pirate movie...

Because its rated NC-17 for all of the booty it shows the pirates fighting over.

A Redditor is trying to make a bomb in their garage, but it wont detonate so they decide to make some changes

Edit: wow this blew up

A Lion wont cheat

But a Tiger Wood

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:

“This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me” The son wrote back:”Dad don’t even think of
digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole”
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole fiel...

My Dad installed a shelf in the wall of the shower today. It's nice, but it wont appeal to everyone

It's a bit niche

Why wont Apple ever make a car?

Because it can't have windows in it!!!!

Why wont the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

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My husband is a pussy and wont decide what kind of fruit tree to plant in our front yard.

I told him to grow a pear.

Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm

Because you're annoying and wont shut up

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Running is like anal

If you retry it after not doing it for half a year, you wont be able to stand up the next day

Why wont America ever switch to using coins like in the EU?

Because conservatives don't like change.

“what would you say is your greatest strength”

“i have strong hindsight”

“that wont help us much”

“i see that now”

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Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

Millennials wont get this

vaccines

What do you call the body odor from smoking Canabis that just wont go away?

An Elongated Musk.

I have a joke about universal healthcare

but americans wont get it.

A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer

He wont be needing it anymore

I'd tell you a joke about the PS5

But you probably wont get it

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

So we wont see season 8 of Game of Thrones until 2019

They're really dragon it out

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

Stoner thought of the day:

Each time you light your lighter. Your lighter gets lighter.. ... Until your lighter gets so lighter it wont light again

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Young sex

A 25 year old is at a bar with a coworker. He’s telling stories a out all the crazy shit his girlfriend wants to do in bed, that she wants it day and night and wont take no for an answer. The coworker replies”i mean thats gotta be pretty awesome”. The man replies dude you have no idea. It was ...

Why wont a Jewish cannibal eat a German?

Germans seem to give them bad gas...

An elderly couple are having dinner at a restaurant ....

An elderly couple are having dinner at their favorite 4 star restaurant when a gorgeous blonde walks up says "Hey babY!" , plants a kiss on the mans cheek and walks away .

His wife looks over at him and says "Who was that ?"

The man calmly replies" oh her ? That's my mistress"
...

My girlfriend just emailed me a photo of us on our first date together. It's a very treasured memory for me. Problem is, the file wont open on my computer.

I guess I have emotional attachment issues.

My girlfriends father wont let us sleep together when I stay over

Which is a shame because he's a very attractive man.

The wife & I were staying at a fancy high rise hotel when the argument started.

Things didnt get any better as the night went on. She started to threaten that she would jump out the window. In a panic I called the front desk. They asked how could they help? I said you better send body up here right away, the window wont open.

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Life is like a dick

Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever.

Too bad life is short.

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom...

"You know what" says the 7 year old

" I think its time we start swearing. When we go down for breakfast i will swear first then you".

"Ok" Replies the 4 year old.

Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

" I will have Coco pops,bitch"

WHACK, he flew out...

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A Redneck Letter...

Dear son,

Im writing this slow because i know you cant read fast. we dont live where we did when you left home.your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. i wont be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here to...

A cop pulls over a car going 100 mph

The police officer asks do you know how fast you were going

The driver: no i do not sir

The cop: 100 mph

The driver: sorry sir it wont happen again

The officer notices the handicap parking pass and asks

I dont mean to pry but how are you dissabled. You seem perfe...

Q. Why won't Ex Machina still be a popular movie in twenty years?

A. The robots wont let us watch it.

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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

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It was the first session of a packed literary festival.

As was his wont, one particular writer hogged the mic and was refusing to let go.

A seasoned festival-attendee, who had borne the torture of said writer nobly over several festivals, had come prepared this time: with a dozen rotten eggs.

When the writer took a deep breath to launch int...

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a man goes to his doctor ,,,

a man goes to see his doctor .

the doctor asks him " what is the reason for your visit ?"

the man answers in a very deep gravelly voice " its my voice doc , it scares my fiancee. Its okay when we are out in public or the lights are on , but the minute it gets dark or the lights go out...

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

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Attractive women sits in a dark bar when the waiter beings over a drink and motions that its from the gentleman in the corner

The women looks at the man and asks the waiter for a pen and paper. She writes something and sends a note back to the gentleman that had sent the drink.

The gentleman opens the note and it reads:

For me to be able to accept this drink and come and enjoy it with you there are a few th...

Wanna hear a Joke about the Playstation 5?

I would but you probably wont get it.

the boss called me to his office to talk about my frequent use of the n word

some people wont take no for an answer

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My jewish friend wont talk to me anymore.

So my friend was looking to rent a van to help his family members get around during his family reunion and he invited me along.

we came across this big white van with a few rows of seats in the back and he said "how many of my family members do uou think I can fit in here?"

I look arou...

Why do jedi always burn their pancakes?

Because they wont turn over to the dark side.

I wanted to post a joke about sodium

But then I was like Na, people wont understand.

A lawyer walks into a bar and the bouncer asks for his ID

The lawyer says "that wont be necessary as I'm bar certified"

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A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.

He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?"

The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."

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A doctor has sex with one of his patients

He feels guilty all day and no matter how hard he tries he just cant get it out of his mind. This feeling of guilt and sense of betrayal was so overwhelming that he couldn't even go to sleep.

Finally he heard a reassuring voice inside his own head. It told him "Don't worry about it. These th...

Scientists have accidentally created immortal frogs

While running experiments, they decided to cut some of the frogs vocal cords.
Ever since then, the frogs just wont croak

Got a Covid 19 joke for ya'll

But 99.26 of yall wont get it

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Timmy was asked to do presentation about corruption in a country.

He wrote on the whiteboard:
-A country is like a family
-Government is the mother who manage the family.
-Capitalist is like the father who earns money for family.
-The maid is the working class.
-I am the citizen while my baby brother is the future of family.

Intrigued, the te...

The Kings Servant was walking towards the castle, when he saw a man lying on the side of the path.

The servant asked if the man was ok, and he replies:

"Oh, hi, I'm Will. Nice to meet you! Would you like to buy me?

"What, you mean like a servant?" says the King's servant.

"No, just to have me around"

The servant was lonely, as he had to work day and night for the king,...

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A hot single woman wants a strong relationship

She makes a post on a dating site saying that she is looking for a nice guy who wont hit her, wont run away, and is good in bed. A week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door, looks down and sees a guy with no arms and legs in front of her .he lady is confused and asks the guy who is he and w...

Moscow in Winter

An American couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, I think that was snow”, she replied.
He insisted, “No, I’m sure it was just rain.”

Well, as couples are wont to do, they were about to ha...

I'm suing my wife...

She wont let me get tattoos of grizzles on each bicep. She's infringing on my right to bear arms

To the person who hacked into my reddit account...

I will find you, and I will kill you.

It was late at night and the salesman had been driving for a while

The rain was as heavy as his eyelids and, as he nodded off and lost control. The car swerved left, then right before crashing upside down into a ditch.

The guy came round, the water in the ditch lapping round his head, he pulled himself loose, feeling the blood running down his head. He stagg...

A young girl walks into a library and asks for a book about suicide

Get lost you wont return it anyway

Professor X: whats your super power?

Me: Hindsight.
Professor x: that wont help us.
Me: Yes I see that now

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The story of the magic Fairy in the wood!

A guy wonders in the woods, seeking for mushrooms

he picks up one, and by magic a fairy APPEARS!

"Hello, im the magic fairy you've been very nice boy, i will grant you ONE wish" say the fairy

the guy, in shock, shruggs

"hmm..Well..**hehe**.., im a waiter..in a restaurant...

A couple of good covid jokes I've heard

1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year...

Husband and wife had a car accident

Ambulance was called and they both end up im hospital. After some time husband regains consciousness and starts looking for his wife around the hospital. He finds a doktor and asks him:

"Doctor, please, me and my wife had an accident and I cant find her. Can you help me? Is she alright?"
...

My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach

"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said

"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"

Say what you want about deaf people...

They wont hear you anyways.

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

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A policeman is riding his motorcycle on a dark, lonely stretch of road on a freezing cold night.

He sees a fellow motorcyclist stopped on the side of the road. "What's the problem?" he says. "Bike wont run" So the cop dismounts and says, "Probably frozen carburettor, just pee on it"
Biker doesn't seem keen so the cop pulls out the meat-baton and gives the carbys a good spray. "There ya go ma...

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I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

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This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies...

But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb fuck, a cunt, and several other names.

The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing.

Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer.

Even from in there, he hears him cussing him ou...

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The pretzel hold

So the wrestling coach comes up to jimmy. "Listen Jimmy, I've seen this kid wrestle 3-4 times. Hes got this pretzel hold man and if he gets you in it your done. Over. So IDK how to avoid it or what but whatever you do watch for that pretzel hold."

Match starts. Not 2 seconds in Jimmies in a ...

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

My friend was testing his mic for Discord, I told him to get a Scope

So he wont have Troubleshooting

A horse walks into a bar

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "My father died today, and my wife was just diagnosed with Malaria. The new insurance wont pay for the case, so im going to have to work 2 jobs to pay for the medical bills, which would have been payed for if my father left me any money in ...

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2 morticians are standing by the coffee machine

"Man, you wont believe what I experienced today. I had a woman with a clitorus like a pickle" says one of them.

"What?!" says the other one "That big?!"

"No," says the man "That sour"

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

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