UPJOKE
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Askin Jokes

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows ba...

Two Leprechauns Knock on the Convent Door (long)

The Mother Superior opens the door and the first leprechaun doffs his hat then stammers and stutters, "T-t-t-top o' the mornin' to ye, sister!"

She replies, "Top o' the mornin' to you, Seamus. What can I do for you this morning?"

"W-w-w-w-well, sister, I-I-I-I'd b-be after a-a-a-a-ski...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chapped Lips

A young cowpoke was sitting on the front porch of the local saloon when an old cowboy rode up and dismounted. The cowboy tied his horse to the bar and then walked around behind his horse and promptly stuck his finger in the horse’s ass. He then proceeded to wipe his finger back and forth across his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Coast Clear

Ben in bed with his wife...


His wife's mobile phone rings at 3AM; Ben answers it, then angrily says, "Fuck off and call the weather office!"

Wife asks, "Who was that?"

He replies, "Some jerk askin if the coast was clear!"

Remember when you were a kid and used to blow bubbles?

He was askin' about you the other day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man buys a parrot after his wife leaves him

A man's wife leaves him and he is lonely so he decides to go to a pet shop to alleviate his depravity.

He walks into the pet shop and one of the first things he notices is a parrot perched in a cage.

The parrot immediately starts talking "You're wonderful I love you your the greatest I...

Doing it the Jewish way

A man goes to the door of a cathouse and asks the madam if any of the girls know how to do it the Jewish way. The madam thinks he is joking and slams the door in his face. This happens several times, until finally a girl overhears him, askin the madam, says, "Wait a minute, I've never tried it the J...

Ole and Sven and two Swedish girls

Ole and Sven are the best of friends, and they have two Swedish girls on the string - Lena and Olga - who live together in an apartment.

One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting juiced. Ole turns to Sven and asks, 'Ven do you spose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?'
Sven...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian in New York

*Note: this joke is best read out loud, in the best Italian accent you can do.*

So, I hear all my friends tell me how much they like New York, so I decide I'm gonna go visit. I take the plane to New York from Rome, an' by the time I get there, it's the middle of the night.

So I go to ...

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