If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

I have two arms for my self defence and they work everytime.

Dont know who they actually belongs to but it freaks out the opponent whenever i take them out.

If I had a dollar for everytime I didn't know what was going on

I would be like: "why is everyone giving me all this money?"

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If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a sexist.

I'd not have to ask for dowry.

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Everytime I take an angry poo

I lose my shit

Only if I had a penny for everytime

My boss asked me to work late in the evening. By now, I would have,



Hit him to death with those pennies.

Everytime I get off the couch my dog steals my spot.

He pretends he’s dozed off so I won’t make him move.

I‘d call him out for it but id rather let “sleeping” dogs lie.

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

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If I had a nickel for everytime I had no clue what's going on...

I'd be like "who the fuck is giving me all these nickels?!"

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If I had a nickel for everytime I had no idea what was happening...

I'd die screaming, "Where are all of these fucking nickels coming from?!"

I took part in a boxing match where everytime I was KO'd, I'll get a Pixar movie. It has become irritating.

I get knocked down but I get Up again

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

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NSFW in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house Everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

If I had a penny for everytime I didn’t understand what was going on

I’d be asking “Why do I keep getting pennies?”

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So there was this guys who just loved his bike very much, he'd just put vaseline on it everytime it rains.

His girlfriend told him that she wants him to meet the parents, but the one rule they have is that nobody speaks over dinner and who ever does must do the dishes.
So the man goes over there and everybody is silent so he just starts kissing and making out with his girl right on the dining table, h...

I have my ringtone set to WAP everytime a woman calls me

How does the song go again?

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..

I would have $6.38.

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

I had a joke about Sidney Powell but everytime I tried to tell it

I started Kraken up

There was a husband who used to leave his wife to go for long business trips frequently

The wife used to complain all the time because she missed him terribly and used to feel very lonely. So one day the husband returns from a trip with a puppy.

W: What shall we call him?

H: Great Reluctance

W: Why?

H: Because everytime I go, I leave you with Great Reluctanc...

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Husband at the bar with Larry the ladies man .....

Husband asked Larry. "Man Larry how do you do it with the ladies to satisfy them everytime" Larry looks at the husband right in the eyes and said" want to know my secret? Right before your about to get down to business with your wife go in the bathroom grab your cock and slam it against the bathroom...

If I had a pound coin for everytime I had no clue what was going on

i'd just be wondering why I have so much money

A man walks into a clinic for the first time. The nurse tells him to fill the cup to this line at least. The man replies "Everytime I give blood I never extract it myself the nurse always does it"

Nurse- "I understand but sir this is a sperm bank"

I started out with $20 in my pocket, and if i had a dollar for everytime someone told me I'd be a huge success...

I'd have $5, the antidepressants cost fifteen

I find myself confused everytime I open a can of Evaporated Milk

There is always liquid in it.

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A Female Dwarf

Goes to the doctors and says "everytime it rains my Vagina hurts" The doctor has a good look at her lady garden and can't see anything that could cause it. He advises to come back on the next rainy day.

A few days later the dwarf is back at his office saying its raining and my vagina is hurti...

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

Everytime i lose weight

I find it again in the refrigerator

if I had a dollar for everytime socialism was succesful, I'd have 0$

Which is funny because if it did work, I'd also have 0$

My grandma always asks me when I will stop saying "nice" everytime she enters my room

I just tell her
"I'll stop when you turn 70 next year"

If I had a quarter everytime I got told I suck at math..

I’d have $10,43 right now.

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A guy wants a sex-signal arrangement with his wife. "Listen, everytime you want to fuck, pull just my dick three times..."

"And when I don't want to?" she asks.

"No problem! Just pull my dick 6,244 times."

"Everytime I drink my coffee, my eye hurts."

Those were the words I said to my doctor.

He then instructed me to prepare a coffee, like how I always did.

I poured hot water into the cup. Added the coffee, sugar then the creamer. Stirred a few times, then took a sip. My eye hurt.

He then said "try removing the teaspoon befo...

If I had a dollar for everytime people call me ugly

I'd be broke cause no one ever calls me

A man falls asleep in church

Every Sunday a man and his wife attend church. The man has a bad habit of falling asleep during services, so one Sunday his wife brings a hat pin and pokes him everytime he drifts off. The priest is giving his sermon and asks who gave birth to Jesus? The man is asleep wife jabs him and he blurts o...

Everytime i go out for a meal with my wife she's always like 'enjoying your meat... MURDERER!'

Like geez... Why can't she just forget the time i shot her mom

Everytime I eat fast food I can talk to dead people...

Maybe I should quit ordering the medium fries.

Everytime I do something nice for my girlfriend other girls ask "where can I get a man like you?"

Right here baby, I cheat

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If I had a nickle for everytime I had sex..

I would be the worst prostitute ever.

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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

If i have a penny for everytime i dropped a penny..

I would have none!

If I had a dollar for everytime a girl found me unattractive

They will eventually find me more attractive.

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

"Doctor, everytime I play a table-top role playing game I get really distracted."

Doctor: "Sounds like you may have AD&D"

My friend asked "what would happen if everytime you cumed you got 100$?"

I said i would singlehandedly break the economy.

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My Mom and my Girlfriend have the same name and it sucks cuz everytime we have sex

I think about my girlfriend.

If I had a penny for everytime people complain about the price of a Mac Display Stand,

I could afford a Mac Display Stand.

I tried my best to translate this from Romanian

A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender

Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.

Nun: Yes?

Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a lea...

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Everytime we have sex my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager.

I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."

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There's this guy that gets suicidal everytime one of his pets dies.

So he goes to a therapist to see if he can conquer the emotional response. After several sessions his therapist tells him to get a porpoise. They're normal lifespan will allow for him to pass on before the porpoise would.

He also tells the guy that he must feed this porpoise baby seagulls to ...

Why is everytime saying that getting The N-word pass is hard

I bought mine off The Black market

My wife was fed up watching me play with walkie talkie everytime. So she said , "Our relationship is over"

I replied, "our relationship is what?". Over.

A pencil and a scissors are having a debate.

Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

If I had a quarter for everytime I didn't know what was happening

I'd be asking "why am I getting all these quarters?"

Everytime I see someone with freckles....

I just have to say to myself, "Weird flecks... But okay."

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I asked my Doctor why my willy went soft everytime I saw a snake?

He said I had a reptile dysfunction.

If I had a dollar for everytime some one complained about monopoly addiction

I could put a hotel on all my properties.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 50 said my generation was lazy.

I could finally afford to pay someone for original jokes.

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I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker...

Cant wait to see my new cock

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If I had a pound for everytime someone told me I was shit at maths

I'd have £3.62

One of my friends is a nurse who used to throw up everytime someone with no feet came into her ward.

Turns out she was lack toes intolerant.

Prior to every flight, everytime I prepare a hot non-coffee brown beverage for the A-team

T leaves

You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.

Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

Everytime there's a new hip hop tragedy, I always respond the same way...

Thots & Playahs

If Transformers are cars and cars are Transformers.

Aren't we giving Bumblebee a handjob everytime we shift gears.

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A Woman has an orgasm everytime she sneezes.

Her friend is worried and asks,
"What do you take for it?"
She says,
"Pepper."

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

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After all these years, my wife still finds me sexy

Everytime I walk by, she says, "What an ASS"

My friend told me everytime he goes to this sub he finds new hilarious jokes

I was surprised at first, but then I remembered he has a short-term memory.

Even as an adult, everytime I eat a Werther's candy, it reminds me of my grandmother

Tastes just like her

Everytime I see youtube rewind 2018 I feel better

Seeing the dislike count rising that is.

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(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

A blond, redhead and brunette were arguing over whose husband was most forgetful..

A blond, redhead and brunette were arguing over whose husband was most forgetful.


The redhead goes first and says, "My husband is this forgetful, whenever he goes to get grocery he forgets groceries and only brings the recipt."


Then brunette intercepted her, "My husband is...

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Everytime someone cuts me off in traffic, an angel gets its wings

Because I'm going to kill a motherfucker.

This is a joke my dad told me a few days ago...

A mother calls her son because she is having problems with her car. He comes over and asks what the problem is.

M: I don't know why, but everytime I go to get groceries, by the time I get to the store there is this horrible smell in the car.

S: Well let's drive to the store and let's s...

Netherlands work ( personal experience )

So, English is not my first language, it's my third. I moved to Netherlands some time ago and I got my first job. Apparently people here are nice? And they also pay their taxes? Did you guys know that? Anyway, the manager of the factory I worked in approached me to say ''hello'' and introduce himsel...

My computer sings „Hello“ everytime I walk through the room

It‘s a dell

I always feel nervous when talking to Koreans.

Everytime I say hello, they always tell me that onions are on sale.

If I had 60p everytime I got a maths question wrong...

I would have about £6.30 right now.

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A man tells the doctor he gets an erection everytime he poops.

The doctor says that's very unusual I'll have to observe this to get a better understanding. The man goes to the toilet and starts pooping. The doctor looks down at himself and says oh no it's contagious.

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I used to piss my pants everytime I had to stand up in front of my grade 5 class...

It cost me my teaching career.

I used to have a dog that was an engineer

Everytime I shouted at him, he made a bolt for the door

Everytime I go to the gym, there's this big guy who won't take his eyes off me.

Im pretty sure he's on those stareroids.

Everytime I hear, there's a bun in the oven

I can only think of the inefficiency in cooking one bun at a time.

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If I got a nickel everytime I said "I don't believe in fairies"

I wouldn't give two shits about fairies dying from it

Everytime I leave the house...

I keep getting followed by this really tall bird, I think I'm being storked.

Everytime i go see my drug dealer

He just cracks me up

Everytime i say amy schumer is not funny, people will always reply with "that's because a woman said it" to which i usually say "yes...

Mostly because a guy said it first"

Everytime i get undressed in the bathroom...

My shower gets turned on!

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My ex was massage therapist before we broke up and I don't know why everytime I see her.

But she just rubs me the wrong way.

My Russian friends cringe everytime I tell a joke...

Because in Russia line punch you.

I banned my wife from singing Cascada, but I think she is singing it behind my back.

She denies it of course, but everytime we touch I get a feeling

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Everytime this dude goes to a bar, he orders three beers..

.. but he orders the three beers at once, and sits by himself in his chair, enjoying his loneliness, with the three bears before him. He'd drink one, then go the next one, and then the last one.

Since the dude did this day after day, the bartender couldn't help but notice, and decided to ask ...

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Johnny does the alphabet

Little johnny is in class and the teacher is going through the alphabet a letter at a time. She starts with the letter “A” and all the students eagerly put their hands up to say a word that begins with the letter A. Including Johnny. The teacher knows better, she knows if she picks johnnyhe is gon...

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A woman gets on a plane and takes her seat. A few moments later a man boards the plane and takes the seat next to her.

After about 5 minutes the man sneezes and proceeds to unzip his pants, pull out a hanky and wipes off his dick.

The woman is shocked but doesn't say anything. A few minutes later the man sneezes again and proceeds to pull his dick out and wipe it off. Shocked the woman says to the man, "excu...

An old granny and her grand daughter are chatting about granpa

-Did you love him, granma?
-Oh yes, i loved him so much. He was all my life, even tough he was so lazy.
-How come?
-You see, everytime there was something not working, he would never do anything about It. "Al, the sink Is broken." "Do i look like a plumber?" He would reply. "Hon, a brick fe...

Told by my brother, punchline gets me everytime

Three men are adventuring through the Amazon jungle, searching for treasure. One day, as they were hacking through brush they are ambushed and captured by a fierce tribe. One of the warriors acts as the translator, and tells the three men what the leader of the tribe is planning for them. "You have ...

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After my mother passed away, my wife & I decided that the best care for my wheelchair bound father was to move him into a nursing home.

After touring several, Dad finally agreed on one he seemed quite pleased with, but after only a week he called and wanted to leave ASAP.

"But why Dad?," I asked. "When you first got here, you acted as though you really loved the place."

"They're just too damn controlling."

""Wha...

A magician on a cruise ship

Is doing magic for a particularly rough crowd. There's a man in the audience with a parrot in his shoulder that is giving away all the tricks.

Every time he does a card trick the bird would scream," Its up his sleeve."

Every time he makes something disappear the bird would scream," s...

Italian Computer Repair shop

Everytime I try to use Microsoft's search engine on my Italian laptop, the computer explodes. I took it to my Italian Computer repair store. The Italian repairman said "What seems to be the problem? Please keep it brief" so I said "Bad-a-Bing, Bad-a-boom!"

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A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates

St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heav...

Everytime I pull a prank on Niagara

She falls for it

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Sometimes I like to stroke my cock.

I think he must like it too, since everytime I stop, he starts flapping his wings.


(AFAIK this is my original joke. If you've heard it before it's a coincidence)

My town never changes population

Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

Because everytime they try to pronounce ‟election” everyone starts to giggle

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Joe is talking to his friend Danny...

He goes, "You gotta help me man, I want to stop making bad decisions. It started with drugs, alcohol, and now I can't even stop myself from buying shit off Amazon that I don't need!"


Danny says,"I have a simple trick. Everytime I'm about to make a big spending decision, I have a wank.If I...

I think I might be an alcoholic.

Everytime I get happy I just get this sudden urge to take ibuprofen and chug water.

A guy on the red scooter arrives at the monastery where 1024 monks lived...

The monk opens the door.


-How can I help you? - he asks.


-Could I sleep here tonight?


-OK, come in.


While he was sleeping, the roof has fallen, killing half of the monks. Now there are 512 left.


The next day, a guy on the red scooter returnes.<...

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