UPJOKE
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Everytime Jokes

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, "Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...."

I asked, "Are you single?"

She replied, "No, I am a dentist."

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A man was sitting next to a woman on an airplane who after everytime she coughed she would loudly moan

After the 3rd time the man asked the woman if she was ok.

The woman responsed that she had a condition where after every time she coughed she would have an orgasm.

The man said that's terrible and asked the woman if she was taking anything for it.

The woman responsed just pepp...

If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money...

I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.

I have two arms for my self defence and they work everytime.

Dont know who they actually belongs to but it freaks out the opponent whenever i take them out.

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Everytime my girlfriend instigates sex, I put a dollar towards her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..

I would have $6.38.

if I had a dollar for everytime socialism was succesful, I'd have 0$

Which is funny because if it did work, I'd also have 0$

Everytime I eat rice, I run out of breath.

My doctor believes I am Basmatic.

If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you...

I would definitely think about you

Everytime I go to work, I hide because..

Good employees are hard to find

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What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

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I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker...

Cant wait to see my new cock

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Everytime we have sex my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager.

I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."

Everytime I eat fast food I can talk to dead people...

Maybe I should quit ordering the medium fries.

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If I had a nickel for everytime I had no clue what's going on...

I'd be like "who the fuck is giving me all these nickels?!"

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Everytime I take an angry poo

I lose my shit

If I got £1 everytime I thought about my wife

I'd think about her more often

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A Woman has an orgasm everytime she sneezes.

Her friend is worried and asks,
"What do you take for it?"
She says,
"Pepper."

I ask my wife the same thing everytime I knock down 10 pins in one roll at a bowling alley.

"How's that strike ya?"

Everytime i lose weight

I find it again in the refrigerator

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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

If I had a dollar for everytime I didn't know what was going on

I would be like: "why is everyone giving me all this money?"

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My ex girlfriend once told me she gets sad everytime she sees dead goose on the side of the road.

She said it's because when geese mate they mate for life. I know for a fact that's bullshit because as soon as I let go they fly away.

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Everytime I want to have sex, my wife says bye and just leaves the room.

Apparently, I am Byesexual.

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Why does the ashtray tell the truth everytime someone uses it to put out a cigar?

It likes big butts and it cannot lie

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

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NSFW in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house Everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

Everytime I leave home, I'm being followed by a bird with long legs....

I think I'm being storked !!

"Everytime I drink my coffee, my eye hurts."

Those were the words I said to my doctor.

He then instructed me to prepare a coffee, like how I always did.

I poured hot water into the cup. Added the coffee, sugar then the creamer. Stirred a few times, then took a sip. My eye hurt.

He then said "try removing the teaspoon befo...

"Doctor, everytime I play a table-top role playing game I get really distracted."

Doctor: "Sounds like you may have AD&D"

Everytime I see someone with freckles....

I just have to say to myself, "Weird flecks... But okay."

If I had a dollar for everytime people call me ugly

I'd be broke cause no one ever calls me

I find myself confused everytime I open a can of Evaporated Milk

There is always liquid in it.

I have my ringtone set to WAP everytime a woman calls me

How does the song go again?

If i have a penny for everytime i dropped a penny..

I would have none!

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth

Now everytime I speak, I have a weird Axe scent

I had a joke about Sidney Powell but everytime I tried to tell it

I started Kraken up

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Everytime a bird shits on my car

I eat a boiled egg outside to let the cunts know what I'm capable of.

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There's this guy that gets suicidal everytime one of his pets dies.

So he goes to a therapist to see if he can conquer the emotional response. After several sessions his therapist tells him to get a porpoise. They're normal lifespan will allow for him to pass on before the porpoise would.

He also tells the guy that he must feed this porpoise baby seagulls to ...

If I had a quarter everytime I got told I suck at math..

I’d have $10,43 right now.

Everytime i go see my drug dealer

He just cracks me up

If I had a pound coin for everytime I had no clue what was going on

i'd just be wondering why I have so much money

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If I had a pound for everytime someone told me I was shit at maths

I'd have £3.62

Everytime I see youtube rewind 2018 I feel better

Seeing the dislike count rising that is.

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So there was this guys who just loved his bike very much, he'd just put vaseline on it everytime it rains.

His girlfriend told him that she wants him to meet the parents, but the one rule they have is that nobody speaks over dinner and who ever does must do the dishes.
So the man goes over there and everybody is silent so he just starts kissing and making out with his girl right on the dining table, h...

My friend asked "what would happen if everytime you cumed you got 100$?"

I said i would singlehandedly break the economy.

Everytime i get undressed in the bathroom...

My shower gets turned on!

If I had a quarter for everytime I didn't know what was happening

I'd be asking "why am I getting all these quarters?"

Why is everytime saying that getting The N-word pass is hard

I bought mine off The Black market

My grandma always asks me when I will stop saying "nice" everytime she enters my room

I just tell her
"I'll stop when you turn 70 next year"

Everytime I hear, there's a bun in the oven

I can only think of the inefficiency in cooking one bun at a time.

My friend told me everytime he goes to this sub he finds new hilarious jokes

I was surprised at first, but then I remembered he has a short-term memory.

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I asked my Doctor why my willy went soft everytime I saw a snake?

He said I had a reptile dysfunction.

If I had a dollar for everytime some one complained about monopoly addiction

I could put a hotel on all my properties.

My computer sings „Hello“ everytime I walk through the room

It‘s a dell

I cry everytime I listen to the "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

I really hate Green Day

Everytime there's a new hip hop tragedy, I always respond the same way...

Thots & Playahs

If I had 60p everytime I got a maths question wrong...

I would have about £6.30 right now.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 50 said my generation was lazy.

I could finally afford to pay someone for original jokes.

Everytime I pull a prank on Niagara

She falls for it

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Everytime someone cuts me off in traffic, an angel gets its wings

Because I'm going to kill a motherfucker.

Everytime i go out for a meal with my wife she's always like 'enjoying your meat... MURDERER!'

Like geez... Why can't she just forget the time i shot her mom

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A man tells the doctor he gets an erection everytime he poops.

The doctor says that's very unusual I'll have to observe this to get a better understanding. The man goes to the toilet and starts pooping. The doctor looks down at himself and says oh no it's contagious.

My Russian friends cringe everytime I tell a joke...

Because in Russia line punch you.

If I had a penny for everytime people complain about the price of a Mac Display Stand,

I could afford a Mac Display Stand.

Everytime I do something nice for my girlfriend other girls ask "where can I get a man like you?"

Right here baby, I cheat

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My Mom and my Girlfriend have the same name and it sucks cuz everytime we have sex

I think about my girlfriend.

If I got a dollar for everytime a girl found me unattractive.....

they would soon find me as attractive

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

Told by my brother, punchline gets me everytime

Three men are adventuring through the Amazon jungle, searching for treasure. One day, as they were hacking through brush they are ambushed and captured by a fierce tribe. One of the warriors acts as the translator, and tells the three men what the leader of the tribe is planning for them. "You have ...

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If I got a nickel everytime I said "I don't believe in fairies"

I wouldn't give two shits about fairies dying from it

I started out with $20 in my pocket, and if i had a dollar for everytime someone told me I'd be a huge success...

I'd have $5, the antidepressants cost fifteen

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Everytime this dude goes to a bar, he orders three beers..

.. but he orders the three beers at once, and sits by himself in his chair, enjoying his loneliness, with the three bears before him. He'd drink one, then go the next one, and then the last one.

Since the dude did this day after day, the bartender couldn't help but notice, and decided to ask ...

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A guy wants a sex-signal arrangement with his wife. "Listen, everytime you want to fuck, pull just my dick three times..."

"And when I don't want to?" she asks.

"No problem! Just pull my dick 6,244 times."

My wife was fed up watching me play with walkie talkie everytime. So she said , "Our relationship is over"

I replied, "our relationship is what?". Over.

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I was in a plane when the man next to me sneezed, and wiped his knob with a napkin.

I was dumbfounded, but didn't want to make a fuss so I let it go, hoping it just wouldn't happen again. Ten minutes later, the same again: the man sneezed and wiped his knob with a napkin. I was disturbed but decided it must be something medical, so again decided to leave it alone. The third time it...

Everytime I go to the gym, there's this big guy who won't take his eyes off me.

Im pretty sure he's on those stareroids.

One of my friends is a nurse who used to throw up everytime someone with no feet came into her ward.

Turns out she was lack toes intolerant.

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

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I used to piss my pants everytime I had to stand up in front of my grade 5 class...

It cost me my teaching career.

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It's Bill and Hillary Clinton's fiftieth anniversary...

As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. "Bill," she says. "You know that box in the basement you told me never to open?"
"Yes" says Bill.
"It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it."
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked...

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My ex was massage therapist before we broke up and I don't know why everytime I see her.

But she just rubs me the wrong way.

I went to the doctors....

To get the results of my blood test. He said everything is okay my cholesterol was a little high but nothing to worry about. He also told me I was allergic to rice. I wondered why I got out of breath everytime I ate rice. Apparently I'm Basmatic.

What's the best part about having Alzheimer's?

You get to laugh at all the reposts on here everytime.

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I was told that masturbating too much can make me blind (thanks, mom). Then later I overheard that carrots are really good for the eyes.

So now everytime I masturbate I put a carrot up my ass.

You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.

Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

A man walks into a clinic for the first time. The nurse tells him to fill the cup to this line at least. The man replies "Everytime I give blood I never extract it myself the nurse always does it"

Nurse- "I understand but sir this is a sperm bank"

A guy is talking to a girl

A guy is talking to a girl :

"Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place"

"Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?"

"No, I'm a dentist."

Why can't crows star in a sitcom?

Everytime more than one is on set it turns into a 'murder' mystery.

Going to the gym must be really paying off.

Everytime I leave the room I hear people say 'what an ass'.

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

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Why did Mario get mad on his business trip to Japan?

Everytime he tried to shake someone's hand they would say "Bow Sir!"

I tried my best to translate this from Romanian

A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender

Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.

Nun: Yes?

Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a lea...

I have the best doctor

Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.

I need help with a 17 year old joke about Jello and Communism

So my friend and I started this game 17 years ago where you have to come up with a jello (we altered the rules to allow *some* pastries) that fit a communist theme.

Everytime we come up with a new one we swear there are none left. I know he cheats, cos I cheat too. My sister came up with Ban...

A Chicken walked into a Library

The chicken walking into a library, went up to the Librarian, and said "Book book book"

So the librarian gave the chicken 3 books. The chicken left, and came back around 15 minutes later, to return the books, and again, Said "Book book book"

Again, The chicken left for 15 minutes, and ...

Snakes are the fastest growing animals, said a kid to his father.

The father: how did you know ?

The kid: my old brother killed a 40-inch-long snake, and everytime he tells the story the snake's length increases by 20 inches.

I once met a Welshman who bragged about his virility

I asked him how many partners he'd had and he said 'I dunno, everytime I count them I fall asleep'.

My wife hates to step on a scale

Because everytime she does, we have to replace it

I'm not saying I'm atractive but

Everytime I go into the bathroom and take my clothes off I turn the shower on.

One day John asks his friend Arty to borrow a dollar

Of course Arty obliged and lent his friend the money without a second thought.

A few weeks had passed by and everytime Arty asked John if he could have his dollar back he would reply "no worries mate, I'll have it next time I see you." This went on for sometime until one day Arty passed John...

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After all these years, my wife still finds me sexy

Everytime I walk by, she says, "What an ASS"

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